zoeysdamn

[zoeysdamn]

[5th year]

Is it that time already? Have I finally reached the fifth year of being glad to be alive?

Yes.

1 825 whole days. I never, ever thought I’d reach that step. And even more, for the first time I can write these words: for the past year, I have not once considered committing su!cide. It’s such a fucking big mistletoe, I can’t even realize it yet.

The previous years had been rocky, about surviving and managing to not k!ll myself, but with its lot of struggles, its ups and downs. But now? I have finally spent a year without thinking about it. one. single. time. It’s…incredible.

It feels like I’m finally starting to live. I’m not only struggling to survive anymore, I’m actually beginning to live my life. To consider the future. Maybe make plans.

I’m still working on a lot of things, healing is not a fast process; but I’m getting there. It almost feels weird to wake up every morning without the fog of depression, and go to sleep with no hollowing sensation through the heart. The road still goes on; but now it doesn’t seem so long anymore.

I have fought alone for a very, very long time against my own demons. But I have been surrounded by people too: good, supportive people. I’m not the easiest person to help, it’s very sensitive for me to receive help. Yet, if I can write these words today, there’s only one I have to say: thank you.

Thank you for your patience, for your kindness, for your trust, at times I didn’t think I was worthy of any of it. I owe me, I owe you, to be alive today.

And man, for once, it feels good.

[zoeysdamn]

Lygos project [repost of older work]

3 years back I did a little fanart project to illustrate some of my mental disorders. The goal was to help me retrospect a lot of things, but also in a pure artistic research purpose. I recently came across those fanarts once again, and even if the project is now 3 years old I still think it's pretty good, and still something I have a deep emotional connection to. So I've decided to repost the fanarts here, I hope you'll enjoy them as much as I did creating them. TW: mention of mental illnesses, of su!cide, blood and body dismorphia - be cautious

I. Su!cide attempts Considering taking your own life is never an easy thing. It shouldn't be, for the resolution itself already reflects a dramatic situation in one's life. There is many ways to fulfill this sorrowful goal, but none is easier than another, believe me. I tried to die ; cutting myself, taking pills, drowning myself ; putting myself in dangerous situations in purpose. I don't exactly regret any of those times, but I deeply regret that I didn't seek for help before every new attempts.

II. Body dysmorphia Body dysmorphia is quite paradoxically one of my struggles I've both acknowledged quite recently and suffered from it for years. Many causes are to be taken accountable for it: long years of school bullying, society's unrealistic standards in term of women's beauty, family comments, etc. I grew up hearing from a lot of people that I was ugly, fat, physically unlovable. But as no one said otherwise...the child I was grew up with the idea it was true. The sole and only truth. I wasn't enough, my body isn't enough, such as I'm still sometimes not even able to look at me in the mirror. Not because I think I'm ugly; because the mere thought of this body and the fact I'm trapped in it is unbearable some days. That leads me to some toxic habits; self-sabotaging, starvation, bullimia phases, self hate. I try to go beyond all of that, to try to love my body, not only on esthetic matters. But even if sometimes I look at pictures from 2 or 3 years ago and think I'd kill to have this body, I don't recall a single time when I was happy in it. That is what body dysmorphia feels like.

III. Depression It isn't always easy to realize you have mental struggles, and it can be quite scary to put words on it, especially depression. This word holds so many weight and meaning, often misunderstood and misinterpreted by society. For many years I've refused to admit I was having mental health issues or depression and refused to go on therapy because of society's opinion about it. I was so afraid to be labeled as the crazy one, or be judged because I needed psychological treatment. I often feel like I'm trapped in some unknown and numbing feeling that push me deep into nothingness. Sometimes, restless voices attacks my mind night and day with every dark thought I might have nursed. Depression is at some point feeding every other mental illness I face. This might be the longest fight I'm gonna face.

IV. Self-sabotaging It's strange to realize that I'm sometimes my greatest enemy in term of healing. If I could have an exterior look at myself, I'd wonder why I'm seemingly not doing any efforts to improve my mental health. I'm not doing this on purpose. Even though I hate myself as much as I want to love me, Self-sabotage habits seems to be out of my control. Starvation ; periodic insomnia ; isolation ; not speaking up or daring to ask anything because I don't wanna be a burden. This is my everyday life. Sometimes it's soothing, although it's also crushing my heart, because it feels like it protects me for a while. But deep down I know this habits are unhealthy. Still, I have to go with them on the road of healing, and it won't be any easier even if I try to fight them.

V. General Anxiety & Hypersensitivity I don't know which one started first, but it's feeding each other constantly. Anxiety is making my thoughts running non-stop in my head, amplifying their importance, and hypersensitivity is making it even worse. It's like I never have a quiet moment inside my mind ; ensures insomnia, over-thinking, a dash of paranoia even. Anything that touches me personally can't be rationalized, because it always takes gigantic proportions in my head and making the anxiety even harder. This feels like my heart and my feelings are always raw and vulnerable, naked to the hurricane of the world I'm under the impression of facing.

VI. Hanahaki disease When flowering plants grow in lungs of people who experience unrequited or one-sided love. Although it's a poetic way to illustrate it, this kind of struggle is very much real and painful. Unrequited love is never a funny thing, even if there's ways to live with it ; as a friend, as a part of someone's life, or simply as someone who respects another's choice. More than often, people who have Hanahaki disease are perfectly conscious of the one-sided aspect of their love, and choose to keep it untold to the loved one. It is a kind of self-sacrifice that put the love.d one.s' happiness before their own, and trust it I know everything about that. Hanahaki disease does not only apply to romantical interest, I think. It can also be the case in friendship ; that, I also know about. I tend to love hard. To have seldom such feelings, but strong ones when I do. I used to be mocked and bullied when I was a kid because word spread I was in love with someone at school. Although it wasn't true, I didn't understood why loving someone was so shameful. It wasn't even about who I supposedly loved, it was just it: love was something I was bullied and abused about. So I grew up hiding my feelings, giving the impression I found love gross and that I had no interest in it. But deep inside my feelings for people dear to me bloomed strong ; and as for today I don't know how to express them. So I may have missed some chances, who knows. I'm still currently having this kind of unrequited love, both on friendly and romantic scale ; but I guess that's alright. As long as they're happy, my own pain doesn't seems to much to bare. It is not a mental health issue per se, and that's why I've wanted to end the Lygos project with it. Even if you're struggling with something that is not considered as illness, you can express yourself. You have every right to fight and say what makes you feel better.

Note: once again, this project and the texts are 3 years old. I was in a very dark, concerning place then. I'm doing better today, still healing but definitely in a better mental health than then. Should any of you need to talk about the mental struggles you're facing, both my DMs and my asks are open. You're not alone in this ♥

[Instagram art page] [International mental health hotlines]

[zoeysdamn]

*inhale*

EXCUSE ME BUT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT LARA CROFT'S BISEXUAL FLAG DRESS.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge I'll be forever in your debt, my soul and sword are yours, m'lady

[zoeysdamn]

Even more 10 things I want to say to my fellow poledancers / future pole addicts (what can I say I'm obsessed ksksksks)

It's so hard working on our "bad side" because we lack of coordination. If you work on that on your bad side, you'll make even more progress on your good one (even tho it can be frustrating af).

Repeat after me: you don't. need. to know. how to invert. to be. a good poledancer. Almost 1 year into pole dance and my inverts are still messy and a big source of struggle. It was (and still is sometimes) my biggest pole complex, until my teacher said to me that it didn't make me a bad pole dancer. There's multiple ways and tips to get upside-down, or you don't even have to actually like doing those figures. So be kind to yourself and take your time. It takes around 10 to 16 months usually to master a clean invert, you got this.

Record your improvements! Even if you're not entierly satisfied with the figure ou the combo you're working on, I garantee you that a. you'll have the satisfaction of having a better version after illustrating your pole journey and b. it's so much easier to see what's not working or what to improve on video.

Pole clothes are so expensive, like what the hell. Don't spend too much on them, there's so many other options (cute bralettes, swimsuit tops, gym stuff, etc).

Get off of the pole. At some point, you may not improve anymore because you need to muscle up more. So no, only pole dancing might not get you where you want to go on your pole journey. Do some muscle reinforcement. Ask your pole instructor for tips to really identify which body area to work on.

When your pole instructor shows you a new upside down move, ask them to show you how to secure someone attempting it. It's terrifying to see someone falling off the pole and not knowing how to help them getting securely on the ground. (the key being: remind them to tuck their chin to their chest if they're falling, and guide them by the hips)

Pole during summer = bon chance ((:

For the love of everything, please BREATHE when you're on the pole (we're all going like it's the apnea championships. Yes, all of us).

It's honestly not mandatory to have your own pole at home to make great improvements. First it's quite expensive (even more if you want to buy a pole podium), and trust me you don't have the same motivation when you're at home (and less security too).

Hype your pole buddies!! I said it before, and I'll say it again: not everyone has the same rythm of improving. It can be sometimes frustrating, but there's no better mindsets than supporting those in the same classes as you, whether they nailed the move before you or not. Pole is about having fun, support each other and hype 'em up! Bonus: WHY THE HELL IS THE SUPERMAN SUCH A HARD MOVE TO MASTER????

Take care and stay hydrated ♥

10 things I wished I've heard before starting pole dance (and want to say to whoever wants to pole):

1- This is intense physical activity, man. All your muscles will ache (even the ones you didn't know even existed).

2- No, it won't make you a stripper. Yes, you will most likely end up in (sport) underwears or very little coverage, because skin has a way better grip on the pole than clothes. If you're not comfortable showing skin, that's okay; some special sportwear can give you grip while covering your body.

3- There's no shame wanting to do more sexy or provocative styles of pole dance, tho. You do you, as long as you have fun.

4- SO. MUCH. BRUISES.

5- You can do pole dance no matter what your weight/body type/sport habits are.

6- Improvement will be random. Sometimes you'll ace a move in one try, sometimes in several weeks or months. And that's okay.

7- Again, this is a very demanding activity on a physical level. Muscles will have to become familiar with certain efforts, pulls, pushes. Flexibility will be tested, trained. Finding your own body's balance, a very important thing in pole dance, can be difficult.

8- It's so satisfying. Succeding a figure, or even just a climb, while you had 0 previous skills in it, is SO good.

9- You can do pretty much anything you want, in your own style, and however you want.

10- If you want to try it, do it. Do the weird thing. Try and see, and maybe fail, maybe be the most talented pole dancer, who knows? But try it, if it ever interested you. I promise you it's as fun as it's hard at the start.

Bonus: the floor is HARD and is NOT your friend

[zoeysdamn]

*sending this to my therapist immediately* so as I failed to explain in our previous sessions, here's an accurate way of summing up things--

My therapist: you need to trust yourself

[zoeysdamn]

The babies again bc I’m a sucker for this angst ship dynamic and Art History classical inspo 🥹

Also it feels so good to draw again blblblbl

[zoeysdamn]

Drawing Ciri and Cahir with statues references again bc I’m so weak for them *sob* I want to draw them again so bad

Inspired by Leonardo Bistolfi’s Sacrifice (1907-1911) in Roma

I tried something for the lineart idk

[zoeysdamn]

My second favorite type of magic: Tumblr's obscure witchcraft to unite queer frenchies with Philippa 'mommy' Eilhart, a-woman sis

Shoutout to whoever had made this sign I saw at the Paris Pride ; you know your shit and I love you

(the Lodge of sorceresses should be sponsoring every pride istg)

[zoeysdamn]

Shoutout to whoever had made this sign I saw at the Paris Pride ; you know your shit and I love you

(the Lodge of sorceresses should be sponsoring every pride istg)

[zoeysdamn]

Meet the artist | 2024 ver.

Kept the mental health issues out this time, or my therapist is going to bonk me (((:

(Plus a pic of your local French mess poledancing in the middle of fields bc let’s be a ✨classy✨peasant)

[Instagram art account]

[zoeysdamn]

Ok I just spent a 2h concert of 50's/60's/70's rock, oggling looking at a Charlie Cox's Daredevil twin (with suit, tie, red tainted glasses, smile and everything) on the bass ; I think I might be pregnant now 🫡

[zoeysdamn]

no tarot today? ur jus so consistent so i hope ur doing alright!! thanks again for sharing them on here they really are so lovely and every new one blows my mind!! 💖💖 looking forward to the next one! no rush of course jus checking in<3

Blblblblbl have I ever mentionned how ADORABLE you are ? 🥺❤️❤️

Just marry me already ffs

I'm sorry I haven't made an update earlier, but Yesterday's card (the World) was actually the last one! The 21 major arcanas of the traditionnal tarot are finally done, and I'm so glad you liked them! And so SO DAMN thankful of your never-ending enthusiasm and support through this project!

I wanted to make a more official thank you post for everyone who had enjoyed this art project, but lacked of time bdkdkzisk (I'm doing a musical workshop in Paris the whole weekend it's amazing okay)

Excuse the rambling but I'm so thankful for your support and concern, you're one of the kindest person here, take care of you m'y friend 💖💖

[zoeysdamn]

||Avatar the last airbender tarot | The World | the Avatar cycle||

[click for better quality!]

[Other cards of the ATLA tarot can be found here and on my Instagram art account]

[DO NOT REPOST OR REUSE WITHOUT LEGAL AND EXPLICIT AUTHORIZATION]

The World is considered to be the end of the journey of the major arcanas. To me, it’s somehow similar to the concept of the Avatar cycle, so I wanted to draw several of them. The choice of the composition was the most difficult: I had several ideas, but barely the skills or place on the card to choose them. So I settled on something more easy, and I included Korra. If we started the tarot with Aang, then it’s only logical to give the card meaning the end of the journey to the next Avatar (plus, I really loved TLOK, don’t hit me)

[zoeysdamn]

||Avatar the last airbender tarot | Judgement | Mai||

[click for better quality!]

[Other cards of the ATLA tarot can be found here and on my Instagram art account]

[DO NOT REPOST OR REUSE WITHOUT LEGAL AND EXPLICIT AUTHORIZATION]

I had to include Mai to this tarot, and I just gave her the Judgement card because of the resting bitch face lmao. But also because she does have a pretty good judgment, like when she analyzed her own relationship with both Zuko and Azula for instance. Plus, I loved designing her outfit.

[zoeysdamn]

||Avatar the last airbender tarot | The Sun | Sokka||

[click for better quality!]

[Other cards of the ATLA tarot can be found here and on my Instagram art account]

[DO NOT REPOST OR REUSE WITHOUT LEGAL AND EXPLICIT AUTHORIZATION]

Fun fact, I realized when I did the flat colors of the card that funnily enough, all the water tribe characters had a constellation card (star, moon, sun). It made the switch from the Tower to the Sun for Sokka even more legit. The Sun is about happiness, fertility, success, optimism, truth, but also sadness. Even though he’s often the comic relief in the series, Sokka has been through tough things too. For his grown up version - which I struggled to draw - I really wanted to give him the traditional make up he wore at the beginning of the series, it was really cool. Also the parallel between Sokka/Sun and Yue/Moon *sob*

[zoeysdamn]

||Avatar the last airbender tarot | The Moon | Yue||

[click for better quality!]

[Other cards of the ATLA tarot can be found here and on my Instagram art account]

[DO NOT REPOST OR REUSE WITHOUT LEGAL AND EXPLICIT AUTHORIZATION]

Pretty much like Iroh’s card, it was OBVIOUS who would be on the moon card. I also set my mind pretty quickly on drawing Yue in a shameless pre-raphaelite inspiration ; the painting Ophelia is pretty famous, and given I didn’t want to draw Yue in a full figure, it was an instant choice. Even if the process wasn’t always easy, I really love how this card turned out! Just like the Witcher tarot, I think the Moon might be my favorite card.

[zoeysdamn]

||Avatar the last airbender tarot | The Star | Katara||

[click for better quality!]

[Other cards of the ATLA tarot can be found here and on my Instagram art account]

[DO NOT REPOST OR REUSE WITHOUT LEGAL AND EXPLICIT AUTHORIZATION]

It’s maybe the first card I’ve ever drawn on this tarot, and still my favorite. I enjoyed giving Katara a dynamic pose, with the water, the details on her outfit and such. At first I really wasn’t convinced by the background, but then I found it really pretty so I kept it. Also, the Star meaning hope, generosity and healing, and traditionally being associated with water in the imagery, it just made sense to give this card to Katara.