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well, I did it, folks. I did it. I told my mom about my depression and suicidal thoughts that haunted me when I was young, how it still affected me today. I was having total meltdown.

The thing is, I probably watched too many films and read too many books dealing with this topic, and of course the reality is not as smooth as I expected it to go.

She called me dumb. She said her childhood was more miserable than mine but she just don't tell me about it. She told me that everyone else also feel the same but they don't end up like me. She also implied that I was lying, as I never told her about this before when I was younger and I always told her everything.

I didn't know how to react, I just laughed, giggling madly. Of course this was how it would go if I bared my soul to her. The books and films are great but I guess they never met my mom.

I should have known better.

She then asked me what's my point for telling her this and I was struck.

It made me think too, why did I'm telling her all this when I've been keeping it close to the heart for years? What do I want from her by sharing how miserable and lonely I am? Did i just want her to know her failures in raising me? Am I that horrible?

Took me two rounds of thinking under the shower before I realized I just want my mom to validate my feelings. To acknowledge that I have unresolved feelings to over her dismissal all these years. That she was sorry.

I guess it would never happen, then. I guess the next step will be finding how to stop looking for validation from others over my feelings.

Long winding road it will be but I won't give up. No, I'm not going to let my misery holding a grip over my life forever.

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It's my 14 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

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an incomplete list of unsettling short stories I read in textbooks

the scarlet ibis

marigolds

the diamond necklace

the monkey’s paw

the open boat

the lady and the tiger

the minister’s black veil

an occurrence at owl creek bridge

a rose for emily

(I found that one by googling “short story corpse in the house,” first result)

the cask of amontillado

the yellow wallpaper

the most dangerous game

a good man is hard to find

some are well-known, some obscure, some I enjoy as an adult, all made me uncomfortable between the ages of 11-15

add your own weird shit, I wanna be literary and disturbed

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sudden flashback to 25, 21

I think I've seen this film before and I don't like it

honestly as the first child, I can really relate to them both lol. is this a first child syndrome?

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that scene! that scene over there, officer! when zhuang jie was gaslighted by her mom!

isn't that so relatable for us asian kids lol

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One of the most fascinating details about Gollum for me is that even though it is said that the Ring warps its user’s intentions and makes them commit acts of evil, Gollum never once uses the Ring for any power-seeking purposes. He doesn’t try to assemble an army or rule over anyone. He doesn’t try to conquer lands or replace Sauron. He never uses it with the intent of dominating others. All he ever wants to do with it is hold it, look at it, sometimes wear it, and keep it with him in dark little caves where he can eat anything edible he can find. It’s even mentioned somewhere that the Ring’s temptation in his mind is merely visions of him having enough fish to keep him fed forever. But he never tries to use the Ring’s power to actually become powerful…the very thing that Gandalf and Galadriel were afraid they would do if they had the Ring. I think that goes to show how Gollum still was shaped by his hobbit nature; it’s just an inherent trait for hobbits to be completely uninterested in any kind of absolute power or dominion of others.

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things that made me stop wanting to die that require no effort whatsoever

change the color used to highlight text on your laptop

move the pictures on your wall

stack whatever clutter is in your room into piles even if you don’t have time to clean it all

slightly vary your commute, even just by one street

change where you sit and scroll aimlessly on your phone even if it’s only to the chair in your room instead of your bed

drink water or juice out of a wine glass in the morning because nothing is real

shower with the lights off, without music

buy $3 flowers at trader joe’s—they look bad next to the more expensive ones but they look so good in your room

start typing things you don’t post into your notes. your thoughts can be worth documenting even if you don’t deem them worth sharing

wake up super early just once. you don’t have to make it a habit it’s just extra satisfying to go to bed that night

listen to the entirety of your favorite album from 2015

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Emma Woodhouse Costume Appreciation Series-

White cotton gown with pink underslip and bonnet.

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This has been going around my work and friend group on other platforms, and I thought it deserved a place here too.

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MAY CALAMAWY as LAYLA EL FAOULY

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Surrealist Paintings by Rob Gonsalves

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an incomplete list of unsettling short stories I read in textbooks

the scarlet ibis

marigolds

the diamond necklace

the monkey’s paw

the open boat

the lady and the tiger

the minister’s black veil

an occurrence at owl creek bridge

a rose for emily

(I found that one by googling “short story corpse in the house,” first result)

the cask of amontillado

the yellow wallpaper

the most dangerous game

a good man is hard to find

some are well-known, some obscure, some I enjoy as an adult, all made me uncomfortable between the ages of 11-15

add your own weird shit, I wanna be literary and disturbed

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Xie Wei is anything but compassionate.

Zhang Linghe | Story of Kunning Palace (2023)

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Story of Kunning Palace’s uncredited cast member:

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duolingo just called me out