your-local-whisp

[your-local-whisp]

Ok I know I broke my little resolution already but I don’t care.

Anyways straight into the news. My brother is a very typical 13 year old i feel. He acts a lot younger than his age which is a bit worrying but I’m told that normal. For a while after I came out to him about being Gay and Nonbinary he started having these little moments of wanting to do things like painting his nails or getting his ears pierced or expanding his fashion taste and wardrobe. I’ve been encouraging that by letting him shop for earrings he might like or nail polish in colors that he likes. He’s told me many times that boys at his school also paint their nails and pierce their ears so he doesn’t think it’s that weird. However every time I encourage things like that my mother pulls me aside and tells me not to push my ideas on him. It’s been a thing she does ever since I came out. In fact when I did come out to her the first time about my sexuality she yelled at me saying I’m only like this because of the music I listen to and the shows I watch(I was 13 and listening to BTS)and about a year later when I came out as Nonbinary she told me not to tell my little brother about anything regarding the LGBTQ+ community because she doesn’t want him to think about things like that or get confused with himself.

Honestly every time I try to encourage him to express himself she’s always right there breathing down his neck talking about how “Oh no that’s for girls not boys” or something stupid like that. Just recently we went shopping for nail polish, because I wanted to get a green one to pair with my black nail polish, and while I’m looking my brother tells me he wants to get one as well. He looks through the brand my grandmother recommended and picked out a baby blue and orange polish. When we told our mother we were ready to go she looked at him and told him he can’t get nail polish because it’s for girls. I try to get the colors for him but she tells me I could only get two. So me being the nice older sibling I am drop a hair brush I needed, -well wanted, so I could get the three nail polishes. And today we were gonna paint his nails in the colors HE chose and before the pinky finger could even dry my mother got up and told him he needed to finish his homework. But the way she looked at me as if I was doing something wrong just hurt. My brother ended up removing the nail polish and going inside to finish his work.

I feel like my brother despite wanting to do these things still feels kind of embarrassed or unsure about them. he always dips his toe in but never fully submerges himself. And my mother isn’t much help at all. She always says she’ll support me in everything I do but I feel she only says that because she thinks it’s “too late” for me to become straight again and so she tries her best to keep my brother the way he is. Or maybe I’m just tired and need to drink some water.’

Anyways that was a lot. I don’t really have anything else to say other than my brother still isn’t done with his homework and now my mother is even more upset. Which me luck cause she’s about to go deal with the terrible doctors at this clinic, so she may be even more upset when she gets back.

Bye Bye!

[your-local-whisp]

Dear Diary

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!!!!

So I’m alive i think. School has been… something. I don’t really remember what I wrote last but I’ve still come to update you on my feelings and how the world falls apart around me. Now before I start I must say I am not a very positive person but I try and I feel like I don’t portray that well through all my whining. Despite what you’ve ready whining isn’t my entire personality but it will most certainly be very present in my entries

Ok so I moved to Vegas and started my junior year there. As I’ve found out Las Vegas schools are not the best. You wither sacrifice your education for a good social life or your social life for your education or at least detailed by family members who live there. Me and my family have come down a decision to put me back in California with my grandparents to continue my high school education at my old school. This is cause the teachers suck more in Vegas and also my whole social life is in cali. Unfortunately for this to happen I have to get along or at least ignore my aunt and her demo in spawns my older and younger cousins. The only reason I gotta deal with the older one is cause her and her boyfriend or moving in again to “save money”. My grandparents are giving up the master bedroom for them and i think my younger cousin is going to move into the second big room with her mom so my grandparents can have the smallest room. So that leaves me in the living room.

I don;t mind being in the living room, it’s just gonna make sleeping a bit awkward as I’m not an early riser and everyone else kinda is. What does piss me off tho is my grandparents losing their room AGAIN, because this isn’t even the first time my cousins has moved back. My grandparents(mostly my grandmother)love having us all live with her, but my aunt and her family take advantage of that a lot and aren’t afraid to kick them down to get more out of them. It really hurts to watch and not be able to do anything because my grandparents just say it’s fine and not to worry. I’m still thinking about it cause my cousin will hopefully, if her plan works, stay for six months.

Anyways, enough with the icky family drama, on to my goals for the year. I want to be able to log in a little entry every day. Now I say everyday but realistically speaking like a couple times a week. Along with that I want to make a nice schedule to stick to cause mine is absolute garbage right now now. And also basic things like staying organized and being more independent. I’ll also start trying to post some things like poetry if I come up with some I really like or some random stuff if I’m creative enough. I have a few more things but that sums them all up nicely i think.

Anyways ta ta for now!

Have a great time with your families and friends!!

[your-local-whisp]

Dear Diary, I have been ignoring you.

Seriously tho I’ve been doing absolutely nothing other than moving. School has already started, I’m on my second week. So there will be very little talk of blue and the others(Very sad they will be missed). But anyways story time, so if it isn’t obvious or if I haven’t said it yet I’m gay. I’m panromantic and honestly it kinda sucks in the way i feel i can never find someone to be with romantically which i know “Whisp you can like anyone, just pick one and go with it”. Well i tried with two others and that got nowhere cause they were all straight as hell but that’s ok.

So you know the saying “Never say never”? Yeah well two days ago i tested fate because holy fluff am i desperate.

Anyways it worked.

I have a lunch date with this person. I am very excited for said date with said person. I’m anxious by design so I’ve quite literally made a list of questions to loosely follow to ask them so we can get to know each other. I hope it goes well and will lead to something more than just a few dates but it’s ok if it doesn’t. Wish me luck Diary I’m gonna need it

Sincerely,

Your local Whisp

[your-local-whisp]

I’m friends with idiots.

Also I’m alive.

Kinda.

So blue got her foot run over on what like Wednesday? Yeah.

And she still came to school!

She stayed for our first class because and I quote “I have them” as she points to me. I love you to but like go to the doctor!?! She stays for the entirety of first period before I dragged her ass to the nurses office. She didn’t come to school on Thursday as I barely convinced her not to but she did go on Friday because she payed for a school field trip and was not gonna miss out on going. She agreed to go to the doctors afterwards tho so I was hoping she would follow through. Come Saturday and I’m sent a video at 10:55 after I have knocked out telling me that she just got back and wont be going to the doctors on Chinese new year. I hope she has a really good day today because tomorrow I will be kicking her ass all the way to the doctors office.

Please wish my friends a healthy life because at this point I really think they all just want to die.

[your-local-whisp]

I’m alive

Just rotting in bed for the majority of my winter break. It’s almost over as well so I have to fix my sleep schedule quickly and finish the work I didn’t do for Monday.

[your-local-whisp]

I have not been on here in a bit. But just so you know I’m alive.

Kinda

I’m still going to school and am still in yearbook

I have finals next week.

I am not exited

I think I might throw myself of a bridge just so I don’t have to do them

[your-local-whisp]

I wanted to make cookies. I had everything ready to make them I just need to heat up the damn oven. The fucking devil asked her demon spawn what she wanted for breakfast and she said French toast and this fucking devil decided oh I’m gonna make cookies so she takes over the fucking oven like I’m not even their. My mother told me I could make some and I even got my grandmothers permission even tho I don’t need it. I went to tell my grandma what happened and she just told me to wait until the devil was done and then I could make it.

I’m honestly so done with this. It’s not even about the cookies. I can’t fucking breath

[your-local-whisp]

Remember the cousin that socked me in the eye. Well her friends are coming over today and on Friday. I knew they’d be here Friday so I’m going ice skating with blue since blues mom is also back from overseas with her father and she wants to get out of the house. I was however unaware about them coming over today. My mother was as well and she’s going to a doctors appointment for my brother and I can’t go so I’ll be at home with the snakes. I doubt my cousin told her friends what really happened tho so they hopefully will stay in her room and leave me alone. I’ve been given permission to do my own shit and not listen to my grandmother if she tells me to stay in my room or to be quiet because some girls are over.

On top of I guess the preparations of these friends coming over the devil(my “Tia”) has been washing hers and the demons clothes and sheets all day yesterday and they’ve continued on today. Usually my grandma unforced that my mother must only do two washes a day because she “heard” from the neighbors gossiping about what they heard from the association people walking around. However for some reason the devil is the only acceptance and now the washing machine is pretty much broken. And now everything is being “organized” and moved around outside to make it look like we actually get along and aren’t completely broken or something. It’s kinda nice this but everything is being piled up in the room my mother and brother sleeps in. My shit is also being pushed into my room despite that a lot of it stays outside cause that’s where it belongs.

I’m not excited to see where any of this goes. I refuse to stay inside my room all day tho.

Hope you all don’t ever struggle with this and if you do I hope you get out of that situation safely.

[your-local-whisp]

I realize I haven’t updated in a while

Buckle yourself up people cause this is a rollercoaster

So crush I got her number talked to her multiple times and have decided that while I do still really like her that I’m to emotionally unavailable and not ready for a relationship yet. I would also like to focus more on my studies as I have been doing a lot better this year and would like to continue doing good.

So while I still have a crush on her I will no longer be trying to date her or anything of the such.

Anyways

I’ve been stressing a lot recently. I’ve had a bad migraine that lasted three days and am now back from school early today cause I had a headache.

I’ve got a shit ton of homework to do and not a lot of time. But guess what I’m doing.

Cuddling my cousins dog.

The one that would continuously wake me up at 6:00.

He’s cute but he got a trim and now he looks like Edna from the incredibles or that one short lord guy from shrek.

Anyways I’m gonna go take a nap and try not to worry about my overall mental, physical, and emotional health.

I hope everyone has a better day than me.

[your-local-whisp]

Update on yesterday

So

Crush is still coming today for interview. On top of that two other people will be coming in and ghost and blue decided that they wanted to watch me die while attempting to talk to her. Also my partner won’t be coming to tutorial so I have to interview 5 people by myself.

I think I’ll actually just kill myself

[your-local-whisp]

So

My friends if I can even call them that were very stupid today and they did a very stupid think.

So it’s a regular day right

Wrong

We go to all our classes eat our lunch talk like normal friends do

And then we reach English and it’s like all the niceness just leaves their bodies and it’s back to teasing me about my crush. I don’t have a nickname to call her on here yet so I’ll continue to call her crush.

We leave English bell rings everyone has cleared the halls in a matter of seconds and you know what these assholes(ghost and blue) do? I’m attempting to push them outside and away from the doors of our class and blue fucking screams “CRUSH WHISP LIKES YOU” and at that point I’ve already given up attempting to pull them away and already have a foot at the door to run away. These motherfuckers are laughing while they walk towards me. Thankfully crush gets picked up on the other side of school so I don’t have to worry about her seeing us.

But my stupid ass decided to call her in tomorrow for a yearbook interview. Hopefully she forgets everything that happened today.

I hope you all have luck with your crushes and that your friends support you cause obviously mine want me dead.

[your-local-whisp]

Guess who convinced their mother to let them stay home so they didn’t have to see their crush today

Me

Ok hear me out. I really like her but seeing her at ulta scared the shit out of me and on top of that making plans with an old friend was a lot. Plus I didn’t want to go to school today. I even made it fair and made sure my brother could stay home.

I just texted the old friend who I’m gonna call lion cause it fits him. So I just texted lion with the help of my mother and I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels all awkward talking to someone I knew but now don’t know anything about.

Anyways wish me luck as I cry in the corner of our family car.

Hope you all have luck with friends and crushes

[your-local-whisp]

Guess who saw their crush at Ulta.

Me

I’m gonna throw up.

She’s so fucking pretty dude.

My brother was pushing me quite literally and figuratively out of the line for the register to go talk to her. I was a coward and we bought our stuff and left. And then a childhood friend got back in contact with me again. We have made plans to see each other next Saturday.

I think I’m actually cursed.

Like I’m gonna go and do a whole smoke cleanse on our house and then I’m gonna go and buy some new evil eye bracelets.

Really hope you all have a good life with no bad luck curses

[your-local-whisp]

She’s the “Straightest Girl in Theater” apparently. My first crush and she’s seen as the straightest in the theater program.

Am I cursed because wtf. Ghost who is in theater was the one who told me this and I want to strangle him now. He could have just let me live my life with my stupid crush in peace but nooo.

Anyways if she is actually straight since ghost isn’t 100% sure I’ll just wait out the crush so I do t make her uncomfortable.

But until I find out if she actually is straight ghost and blue are dead set on setting me and her up on a date. Like yesterday at the end of school they dragged me so they could force me to talk to her and thankfully they lost her trail. But she’s in our English class so this will most likely be a reoccurring thing for either as long as I have a crush on her or until we find out if she is 100% straight.

On the other hand my freshmen Tiger plans to help them and if that one doesn’t work out her and ghost will quite literally be cherry picking a pretty girl for me to like next. Which I appreciate the attempt but I feel I may be cursed to fall for the straight meat girls in our school. I’m knocking on wood hoping that isn’t true.

Anyways I hope no one else is struggling with a first time crush and that if you are that it works out and you aren’t left sobbing in the closet that you came out of 2 years ago.

What has my life come to

[your-local-whisp]

I have a crush

And it’s crushing me

She’s really pretty and I don’t know what to do.

She’s in my English class.

I have a crush and I know that. If anyone can help me please I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t know if she’s even any kind of gay. She could be straight with a boyfriend or homophobic. Or even fucking worst she could be really fucking nice and straight.

I told myself I would force the crush away but my friend told me not to cause it fucks you up. I trust her cause she has had a few relationships before and is currently dealing with her own crush.

I really need some crush advice. Specifically how to know if she’s queer and how to talk to your crush.

Thank you

I hope none of you are suffering whatever illness this is cause it feels really weird.

[your-local-whisp]

A I know it’s Saturday but I still have shit to talk about.

So remember poodle. I know I posted that on Friday but all of that happened on Thursday. Friday was absolute chaos. And if I don’t make sense I just woke up like an hour ago and was just kind marinating in sadness on my bed until like 20 minutes ago.

Anyways

Break happens right. Blue, crow, and I (as ghost doesn’t sit with us at break) where standing/sitting in front of the art classrooms as we usually do. And poodle walks up to us which I expected but wasn’t really sure if I liked it. But I don’t know how to express that so I just let him stay. We talk bell rings we go to class. My friend who we will call Tiger warned me of this guy yesterday when I mentioned him which is why I’m a bit weary on letting him join us.

So Tiger texts me saying if she and her friend come over to our group during lunch. I ask and receive the go ahead and tell her of course nobody minds at all. But I warn her that poodle most likely will be there and she says that she won’t let him ruin her fun.

Skip two classes and lunch rolls around. As expected poodle shows up. At the moment it was just crow and I as Blue had to go print something. Everything is going good until chaos shows up in the form of Tiger and her friend who we will call Pomeranian. They come over making a bit of noise and instantly I’m filled with either absolute dread for what’s about to happen or delight because I don’t have to deal with poodle by myself.

Chaos

That’s all I knew for like the first 20 minutes before Blue came back. A little information that I don’t think I mentioned yesterday. I like to fiddle with things a lot, and sometimes I’ll ask people I know if I can kinda just hold their hand if I don’t have anything else to fiddle with. On Thursday I had asked ghost if I could hold his hand and he said no but poodle saw this and held my hand for the entirety of lunch. It was a bit awkward cause I just met him but not uncomfortable. And today as well I held his hand, not all lunch just for a couple minutes cause I didn’t really feel like having any form of physical contact that day. He complimented how soft my hands felt and it was kinda awkward but I said thanks. Halfway through he asks to see my smile and Tiger is weirded out by this and asks why he said that which I’m thankful for cause didn’t really know what to say. A few minutes before the bell rang he asked me if I held hands with anyone else and I mean the fact that I asked ghost should have made it very obvious that I do but I didn’t say anything and just kinda ignored that. I don’t know if he is interested in any way but I’m not. I really hope I’m taking it the wrong way.

I really need help tho. What the fuck do I do if this situation happens again. I don’t know if I can handle having this guy sit with us. I’ve already asked Blue to hold my hand all of Monday to keep me out of this situation again and to hopefully show that I’m in no way interested in him other than being friends.

[your-local-whisp]

I met someone today. Like a new friend and not a crutch. I’m gonna call him poodle.

So let’s set the scene.

It’s lunch and I’m sitting in a shaded area with my friends. I ask ghost “if our group was a bunch of animals what animal would each of us be?”. Ghost like the demon that he is has already fucking prepared for this question and starts rapid firing reasons on why Blue is an otter and why our other friend (I don’t know if I mentioned or gave him a nickname but we call him crow so I’ll call him that) crow is a golden retriever as he is the only one in the group without trauma. His most traumatic memory was almost getting hit by a firework and his parents are divorced but can somehow engage in friendly conversation without fighting. Which I didn’t even know was possible but you know. And whole ghost is “harassing” crow poodle comes in and asks what’s happening and why this poor guy is being bullied. Then he joins in and says that crow is a dachshund which everyone agrees on. I called him a pug cause he kinda gave me that vibe. We ended up on poodle for him cause of his curly hair.

Anyways I don’t know how it happened but I remember asking ghost for his hand so I can fiddle with it cause I’m attempting to work my way up to being comfortable with touch. And like always he refuses but then poodle lightly grabs my hands and lets me fiddle with them. And we kinda just talk a tiny bit about why I do it how it feels and then I kinda zoned out for a while and then the bell rang and I had to go to PE. But like damn I was stressed the whole day then all of a sudden I’m like calm and shit half asleep walking with my eyes half closed. I do t know what it is about soft touches but they just put me to sleep I swear.

Anyways I found out from my freshman that poodle who is a junior is dating a freshman. Now the others minus crow are aware but I have been advised against being his friend but soon contacting the mother ship I have found out as a freshman mother ship dated a senior so I don’t know anything anymore.

I think of poodle wants to join the group he can as long as he is not mean or attempts to do anything bad to our group and others.