yesigototherapyjustletmehavethis
Yes, I Go To Therapy, Just Let Me Have This
18 posts
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Babe, are you okay? You’ve been listening to “You’re Losing Me” on repeat for two hours.
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I don’t really miss therapy because in hindsight having a therapist who actively tries to bring your alters back and them 20% of the way through the process says she’s done with you is uh. Actually worse than NOT having a therapist. I just wish I had someone to talk this through with.
Oh well. I’ll cope. I always do.
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I was starting to struggle with some suicidal ideation issues and then put on ttpd and somehow it helped? It’s like… yeah, we have very different problems but the emotions are there. She gets me. This album feels like when you and a friend are up til 4am and you’re so tired you can’t help being overly honest and suddenly one of you starts crying and then you’re both crying and hugging each other
I miss that experience. My friends can’t visit without risking my immunocompromised ass u_u
Also as someone who is Crazy (so crazy all my therapists have hit a limit passed me off to OTHER therapists who then passed me off and so on)… . Yeah. Yeah…
I mean I don’t think she has DID but honestly it’s so easy to hide it from people that she totally could. Her alters in anti-hero remind me of two of my alters, and she’s played with numerous Taylors in the past…
Like…yeah, it’s probably not DID. Probably. But forming a protective alter in response to the trauma that led into the Rep era would also be totally legit. I cracked from way less.
I think I might crack again tbh. Feel like I’m breaking. Can’t believe my therapist deliberately had me try to bring my alters back to the surface and then fucking dumped me before we did anything about them. She said the problem wasn’t the alters, it was the lack of communication between us? Because my dissociation used to get so bad I would just ‘pass out’ and reappear somewhere else with several hours missing.
‘But you said hiding it was easy’ yeah. Nobody ever noticed me vanishing. People can make continuity from anything.
I need sleep…
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Really missing being able to fantasize about dying tbh. Not sure my therapist realized how tenuous my mental state was because literally if I weren’t a mom I probably would have made an attempt on my own life today!
Unfortunately, I’m a parent, and I can’t take any easy ways out of emotional agony. I have to do the emotional equivalent of lying down on hot coals on my stomach.
Actually I would gladly lie down on something that gave me maybe second degree burns? If it meant my heart didn’t hurt like this. I’m so upset that it feels like physical pain. Acute like a charlie horse or something. A terrible pressure from my throat to my belly button.
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I am a wreck. Idk what to do. That was the least helpful therapy session I've maybe ever had. In fact it was anti-helpful. It made everything much worse.
I'm 50/50 on quitting therapy forever rn. I really, REALLY wish that I hadn't had therapy today.
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I'm 50/50 on quitting therapy forever rn. I really, REALLY wish that I hadn't had therapy today.
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i cannot possibly overstate the psychological damage of growing up being abused in a way that is considered so disgusting as to be literally unspeakable and treated as such.
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Feeling kinda weird about someone replying publicly to my ask and then deleting it without any notice. I mean. There are plenty of reasons to do that, but it feels…weird? Idk.
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I am reeeeeeaaaaaaaally spiraling today. I keep noticing my vision is blurry and then that’s how I realize I’m crying.
I think I’m teetering on the edge of an actual mental break. Therapy is tomorrow. Let’s see if I can figure out how to articulate all this.
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why do people keep saying 'enthusiast' like this with air quotes. this is like the fifth person that's accused me of being an ai 'enthusiast'. the term you're looking for is 'ai researcher' or maybe 'ai engineer', given that the latter is my actual job title. i do this shit for a living! i am not some linkedin frat boy in san francisco, i actually build shit and i have been building shit since before anyone on this godforsaken site has even heard the word 'GPT-2'. really weird!
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Sometimes I really miss being able to fantasize about dying. I mourned that when I first got pregnant, because I knew it would be a responsibility as a parent to not even entertain those thoughts, but… yeah. This is the kind of night where if I WEREN’T a parent I would need to lock up anything I could use to self harm. I am…so lonely and MISERABLE.
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I want to write a song about my experiences with dissociation and multiple personalities but I don’t want anyone to know I wrote or recorded it and idk how to make that happen. Because I don’t want anybody to know how fucked up I was. And that I miss it because at least I didn’t feel so fuckin’ alone then
Also I have a shitty mic and am out of practice singing and suck at writing lyrics but I think it would be cathartic except also stressful? Idek
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I’m so messed up. I can’t tell if I’ve started hallucinating again. I hate when I hallucinate. I hate it. It’s always like. A sound or a smell that someone else could just not notice. No way to know if it was real and they missed it or if it’s Not Real
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Let's Talk About Baeddels.
An (updated) retrospective on Tumblr's movement to make gender essentialism trans-friendly.
This post contains excepts from a longer article on Medium. If you have the time, please read the full article! I also request that you link the longer article if you use this as a source.
All links have been updated with archived versions of posts that have since been deleted (and otherwise might be deleted or lost sometime in the future). I have revised some sections, and included more context and examples, in order to clarify and strengthen arguments.
Disclaimer
Transmisogyny is real, and requires much more acknowledgement than it currently receives. The trans community is very much capable of transmisogyny, and often does enact or enable it; likewise, trans people also often enact and enable transphobia against other parts of the trans community. Trans women suffer at least as much as the rest of us, and trans women — as a class — are not privileged, and do not hold the power to oppress anyone else.
If you take only one thing away from this post, take this:
Trans people all need to work on being better allies to each other. None of us can gain anything without the rest of us.
Establishing an Ideology
The first post on Baeddelism was by Tumblr user @unobject, on October 2nd, 2013:
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The post was quickly liked by @lezzyharpy, also one of the first to call themselves “Baeddels”.
This post first provided the name and defining ideology of the Baeddel movement. The implication of the post was, essentially, that because the root of the word “bad” was “baeddel”, and because “baeddel” referred to intersex people and “womanish men”, this old English slur was proof that transmisogyny was the worst form of bigotry; and even, perhaps, the root of all bigotry. (It’s worth noting that this interpretation of the etymology has been problematized.)
While @unobject was the first person to make this connection, @autogynephile (“Eve”) eventually became, in essence, the figurehead of the movement. Of the other Baeddels, some of them were explicitly aware and supportive of the ideology behind Baeddelism, some of them were young or newly-out trans women seduced by the personalities involved, and some of them were tangential enough to the movement that their understanding of it was wholly different from the understanding those at the core of the movement held and promoted. Baeddelism was a sort of trend, for a time, and many participants wore the name without entirely knowing what it meant.
It’s important to acknowledge that as much as there were dedicated members of Baeddelism, and as much as there was a unified ideology behind it, there were also individual Baeddels who did not understand — let alone support — the ideology.
The Ideology
Baeddels essentially built upon the foundation of @monetizeyourcat’s ideology that had been gaining traction on Tumblr in the years prior, with some additions that ultimately defined their movement:
Transmisogyny is the form of oppression from which all (or most) other forms of oppression stem.
Privilege is granted on the basis of assigned sex. (“AFAB” or “Assigned Female at Birth” vs. “AMAB” or “Assigned Male at Birth”)
These fundamentals of Baeddelism were essentially a rebranded form of Radical Feminism. In particular, they drew from the Radical Feminist idea that misogyny was the “primary” form of oppression; that which all other oppression stemmed from. Baeddels only tweaked this idea to replace “misogyny” with “transmisogyny”, which led to the rest of the conclusions Baeddels drew:
There is no “transphobia”
All “transphobia” stems from transmisogyny first, and transphobia as it impacts non-trans-women (or, sometimes, non-transfeminine people) is incidental.
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There is no “Trans”
If “transphobia” isn’t real, what else is left of the transgender identity?
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While this is by no means the dominant understanding of transgender identity or community, the equivocation of oppression to identity is, in many ways, core to Baeddel ideology (and we see the lasting impact of this in still-widely-used “TME/TMA” termingology). By this logic, if transphobia doesn’t exist, neither does trans identity or trans community (though they obviously believed that transmisogyny, and subsequently trans women, do). Therefore, there are no “trans men”, and belief in the existence of “nonbinary people” is highly contingent on whether an individual believes in the oppression of nonbinary people.
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“AFAB Privilege”
The idea that within the queer and/or trans community, people who were AFAB/CAFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) receive unique privilege and positions of power that people who were AMAB/CAMAB (Assigned Male at Birth, a counterpart to “AFAB” and “CAFAB”) do not.
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Trans Lesbian Separatism
… was what the movement was ultimately defined by, as the logical conclusion of their other beliefs (much like Lesbian Separatism was the logical conclusion of Radical Feminist beliefs).
Baeddels believed that only trans women can understand, or be truly safe for, other trans women; therefore, contact with anyone who was not a trans woman was deemed “dangerous” and highly discouraged.
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Trans Men
… also played an important role in Baeddel ideology, and the resulting treatment of trans men is what is often remembered today. Baeddels generally believed the following, either explicitly or implictly:
Trans men are not oppressed, or experience so little oppression that it hardly matters.
Trans men do not experience misogyny, even prior to transition.
Trans men have access to male privilege, or trans men have an easier time passing, and frequently go “stealth”; thus benefiting from male privilege as well as cis privilege.
Trans men are often (or always) misogynistic and transmisogynistic, and are not held accountable for this.
Trans men oppress cis women.
Trans women enacting violence on trans men is “punching up” at oppressors, and therefore not only permitted, but encouraged.
Trans men are inherently violent, or become aggressive and violent when they go on testosterone HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy)
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The impact of this ideology is often discussed among transmasculine people because of the depth of harm it caused, directly and indirectly — and it was very much intended to. Harm caused to transmascs was not only permitted or excused, it was often actively celebrated.
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Nonbinary People
… are often overlooked when summarizing Baeddelism, but Baeddels did have plenty to say about them. Baeddel ideology relied on the idea that privilege was granted on the bases of assigned sex, and nonbinary people’s genders were thus treated as irrelevent; they essentially did not believe nonbinary people truly existed.
CAFAB nonbinary people are either trans men attempting to invade women’s spaces, or cis women pretending to be trans.
CAMAB nonbinary people are actually just trans women who haven’t accepted it yet. They must transition, or they are transmisogynistic.
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Intersex People
Intersex experiences, and intersex history, were often co-opted and erased by Baeddelism. This was often more a byproduct of their beliefs than an overtly-stated idea, but most notably, the term “Baeddel” itself is likely more applicable- if not exclusively applicable- to intersex people, rather than trans women. Making their reclamation of it as a “transmisogynistic slur”, or their claim that the word’s existence means that “transmisogyny is the root of all oppression”, incredibly ignorant- if not actively harmful misinformation.
Notably, Baeddels also believed that intersex people- being “more androgynous” (a harmful misonception)- were able to pass more easily as the opposite assigned sex, and that intersex people (even within transfemme spaces) had “intersex privilege”. Some even believed, and openly claimed, that intersex people were “hermaphroditic”; a slur against intersex people, and typically implying that the individual has both sets of reproductive systems simultaneously.
Trans Women
… did not receive universally positive treatment, either. Baeddelism was very much a cult-like group built around the firmly-held conviction that they were absolutely correct, and that anyone who disagreed with them was The Enemy. Trans women who disagreed with them were generally seen as brainwashed and self-hating, and trans women who did agree with them were expected to subjugate themselves to the ringleaders of the movement.
Within Baeddel circles, trans women were most frequently victimized by the abusers allowed to run rampant because “trans women do not, and cannot, harm anyone else.” — including, apparently, each other.
“They were also bad shitty abusive people in general. “… a bunch of them passed around a pile of smear campaigns and false rumors about virtually any trans woman that they had a even the slightest animosity for. Including the victim of the kinkster rapist. They’ve done other fucked stuff, like chased two twoc off this site for trying to make a zine, but yeah. That’s like, just some of it. I’m not up for going over the messy details of the whole shitparade. “Full disclosure, I made a lot of excuses for these sacks of crap, even while they were out there spreading false crap about me […] I wasn’t aware of the worst shit they were doing until much much later.” - @punlich
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Inside the Movement
Though individual Baeddels often existed in vastly different social circles from each other- particularly offline- those who lived through the movement highlight commonalities in their experiences.
One interviewee recounts the manipulation present in their initial involvement with the movement:
“It came to me at a point where I was very quick to weaponize anything anyone told me about their experiences, because I was always a fighter. I’ve been an activist for a long time, you know, and when these trans women would come to me with their experiences I would believe them. I wanted to. But the way they acted didn’t add up when compared to what they were saying. I felt really lonely there, and stupid all the time. I felt like I was being a bad trans person.” […] “Online they were more willing to say things that were, for lack of a better word, stupid. They would say things that lacked any kind of logical sense. But in person, they would go into this kind of toxic femininity- this weaponization of weakness. And I think that’s because online they were often in these echochambers, but in person they had to rely on much more subtle manipulation.” - Vera
It seems at points that the environment created within this movement- and the social circles that composed it- was almost cult-like in nature and in need for control.
“It was very isolating. I didn’t see my friends for a while, I was kind of just living with them, cooking and cleaning for them, starving myself, and slowly growing crazy. I was just being consumed by this weird academia and theory that had no basis, because everything was online and Tumblr-based.” - Vera
Perhaps most chilling, however, are the patterns in their attitudes toward sexual assault. One interviewer recounts being subject to sexual assault, and upon posting about their experience to a Facebook group, being met with hostility from Baeddels present in the group- who quickly used their social influence to have them banned from some of their only support systems at the time.
“I ended up with pretty much no one to talk to about the experience at a time when I was already really, really struggling, and it’s one of several factors that led to me dropping out. “The Baeddel who got me banned also messaged me directly at some point during all of this, and I tried to get her to understand the pain she was causing me. She basically laughed it offand said it was my fault. She seemed to find a lot of joy in how much it hurt me, and blocked me soon after.” - Anonymous
Another recounts sexual consent violations from a friend-turned-Baeddel:
“[My ex-friend] had previously been fetish-mining me for her mommy kink. I was freshly estranged from my own mum, and she stepped in to be like, “I’m your new mum now,” and would pester me to call her “mum” in Welsh- as at that point she was going by a Welsh name. I played along, but it transpired that she was basically using that to get off, and she had a thing for infantilising transmascs and being this mum/mom figure.” - Luke
And yet another interviewee discusses verbal sexual harassment during interactions with another Baeddel:
“I had one [Baeddel] directly tell me that I’m beneath her as a trans man, and that I should “Shut my smelly cooch up” and only use my voice to uplift trans women. I was a minor at the time. “She then sicced her followers on me, and they bombarded me with messages telling me I’d “never be a real man”, that I needed to “sit on the side and allow them to have the spotlight”, and even telling me to kill myself- because I was inherently toxic to them. I was 16 years old, pre everything, and I couldn’t even pass at the time. They didn’t seem to care that I was a minor, or a newly hatched egg.” - Anonymous
While Baeddel ideology itself does not explicitly condone or excuse sexual assault, it’s striking how common these stories are; especially considering how small in numbers actual Baeddels were.
It was, in fact, this exact problem that would eventually cause the movement to dissolve.
The Downfall of Baeddelism
Sometime between the group’s formation in 2013 and their downfall near the end of 2014, @autogynephile (also “Eve”), the defacto “ringleader” of the Baeddel movement, began what Baeddels referred to as a “transbian safehouse”.
This was apparently intended as a place for unhoused trans woman lesbians and trans women who, in general, had sworn off contact with men; the ultimate goal of the lesbian separatist ideology at the core of the Baeddel movement. It was thus also referred to as a “commune” by some, and as a “cult” by others.
One occupant of the “safehouse”- Elle- later posted to Tumblr that they had been raped by Eve during their stay, and detailed their experiences.
The Baeddels, rather than believing the victim and ousting the rapist from their movement, chose to close ranks around Eve instead.
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Various reasons were given for this:
The victim must be lying
The victim- and anyone who believed them- was simply transmisogynistic.
Anyone who disagrees with the Baeddels is an Enemy Of The Movement, a “carceral thinker”, and a danger to trans women as a whole.
Trans women are incapable of sexually abusing anyone.
“Standing with Eve” was the ultimate sign of loyalty to the movement, and thus a mark of pride and honor.
It was okay to keep being a Baeddel no matter what, because Rape Accusations Should Be A Personal Matter.
(You can read more about Eve’s own denial of these events here and here.)
Years later, even people involved in the initial group have spoken out against the movement and actions of those involved:
“I was in ~the Baeddels~ for years and like… we straight up did horrible shit. “We harassed anyone that disagreed for any reason, our politics were terrible, our isolationism made an environmental ripe for abuse that I have firsthand experience of, there is nothing in that group worth salvaging or defending. “Also acting like people are just bringing this up out of the blue is silly like… it’s being brought up because people are still trying to defend the shit we did instead of fucking recognizing that it was wrong. “Creating this myth that hate on the Baeddels is just a way of keeping trans women in line is a tacit defense of the horrid shit we did.” - @lezzyharpy
“like I’m sorry but I served my time in shitty awful Baeddel group in early mid 2012s and it fucking sucked ass.” “… Like it’s straight up cult-like the way you build this self-reinforcing network wherein ayone on the outside looking in with any criticism is unsafe, not to be trusted, only there to hurt trans women, and the only people you can trust is this self-selected group of trans women.” - @lezzyharpy
Why It Matters, and Why Baeddelism Never Really Fell
Baeddelism itself has seen multiple attempts at resurgences by various individuals, including documented experiences with self-proclaimed Baeddels as recently as 2018- well after the movement first “fell” in 2014.
Most proponents of “Baeddelism 2.0”, a revival of the original movement, argue that the abuse that occurred within the original movement was either completely fabricated by detractors (sound familiar?) or, at minimum, not actually inherent to the ideology.
And, of course, there are some original Baeddels still active on Tumblr today.
Baeddelism never actually went away.
“Baeddelism” was only one name for a set of beliefs that existed long before the specific term did, and hasn’t gone anywhere since the original Baeddel movement died down.
What the Baeddels did was put a name to the ideology @monetizeyourcat was cultivating before them, and what Cat did was popularize, centralize, and justify a way of thinking that had existed before she ever made her blog.
This ideology has since been referred to, loosely, as “TIRF-ism”: Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminism.
It is rare that anyone actually refers to themselves as a “TIRF”, and there is no real centralized TIRF movement; rather, a loose collection of radical feminist beliefs circulates various transgender spaces. The validity of these beliefs is generally taken for granted: of course (trans) women are The Most Oppressed People; of course (trans) women are Inherently and Unequivocally Victims In All Situations; of course (trans) men are Inherently Oppressors; of course (trans) men are Dangerous and Evil… and so on.
Like Radical Feminism, and subsequently Trans-Exlcusive Radical Feminism (TERF-ism), those ideas are fundamentally dangerous.
The defining tenants of radical feminism are that misogyny is the root of all oppression, and that rather than misogyny being an issue of power and control on a society-wide level, it is instead, or also, a matter of oppression and privilege on an individual level: men are always oppressors, and women are always victims.
These beliefs fundamentally exclude and erase the experiences of other marginalized people.
Namely, people of color and indigenous people, who’s experiences with and concepts of gender do not fall within the strict and rigid lines that white, western, colonialist people’s do.
Radical feminism is not a redeemable ideology. It cannot be reshaped into something good. It is fundamentally broken, and the movements born from it- lesbian separatism, political lesbianism, TERF-ism, TIRF-ism, and Baeddelism- are proof enough of that. They each promote only surface-level variations of what is fundamentally cult-like thinking: only the in-group can be victimized. Only the in-group is safe; the out-group is inherently and universally dangerous. Only the in-group understands you. All members of the in-group are, fundamentally, incapable of abuse.
We cannot allow these ideas to be perpetuated within or without the trans community.
Learn the Signs & Prevent Harm
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Here’s what we can do to prevent this from happening again:
Learn what Baeddel ideology and TIRFism look like, even detached from the name.
Learn what radical feminism looks like, even detached from the name. Even from people who claim to oppose radical feminism.
Act on dogwhistles. Call them what they are.
Do not allow people to downplay the harm all forms of Radical Feminism have caused. Remind each other that Radical Feminism is not a redeemable ideology, and seek out other branches of feminism instead.
Remember the harm that has been caused. Remember that it will be caused again if these things are allowed to go unchecked.
Listen to and uplift marginalized people. Allow them to speak to their own experiences, identify their own needs, and name their own oppression.
Remember who the real oppressors are, and do not pit marginalized people against each other. The people perpetuating and benefiting from transphobia are cis people- and more specifically, cis people in power.
Build solidarity with other marginalized people. One group of trans people cannot gain liberation without liberating all trans people, and one group of trans people cannot be targeted without the rest of us suffering as well.
Remember that there is no group or identity incapable of enacting abuse, violence, harassment, or other harm against another. Victimhood should not be determined based solely on an individual’s identity.
Remember that there are no acceptable targets for violence, cruelty, harassment, and abuse.
For more context and a list of red flags, read the rest of the article here:
#i was there gandalf#i never actually got the word for baeddel introduced to me#but I literally remember seeing these posts#the thing is that trans women are women and women are people#putting anyone on a pedestal is an act of dehumanization#also: intersectionality isn’t about ticking off boxes for Most Oppressed points#it’s about discussing how the experience of sexism/cissexism/racism/homophobia/etc#is different depending on what groups you’re in/perceived to be in#idk if that makes sense#i’m so tired#but holy shiiiiiiiit did this post take me back#around 2015-2016 I was actually almost indoctrinated with this ideology#it can happen to anyone. i can just hear the misunderstandings now…#‘that’s not something to be proud of’ do you think I’m bragging??#anyone can be radicalized. i have seen it. it happens even to very VERY intelligent people#obviously transmisogyny is real. obviously. THIS is about something else entirely#if saying ‘trans people of all genders and gnc people of all genders can experience meaningfully distinct types of discrimination’#‘which can’t be reduced to better/worse without flattening all the meaning out of the words’#is somehow an evil and unconscionable statement#you are welcome to block me#and if you’re willfully misreading this as downplaying oppression/trauma: that is ths opposite of what i am doing#people are not neat and tidy#perceptions are not neat and tidy#systems of privilege and oppression are not neat and tidy#simplifying this stuff ultimately helps no one#reblogging this to my vent blog because I have this nagging feeling that my stalker is the baeddel ex-friend who nearly dragged me into this#not 100% on that. just…an inkling? a fear?#that particular ex friend seriously fucked me up#i can’t believe this was literally a named movement but I only got like. echos of it#this was so fucking traumatic tbh
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I feel like I’m gonna have a complete emotional breakdown tbh I’m full on cracking
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I need to stop spiraling about things that don’t matter. I just wish people would like. Stop lying? And also that people would READ what they’re putting forth as evidence. Like it doesn’t say what you’re saying it does. Literally those words are not there.
You can argue it’s implied or whatever, fine! But you can’t say someone literally did xyz when they literally didn’t.
Why are these posts getting tens of thousands of notes 😭
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Basically. Almost nobody knows this but. I used to be a system. Well—more specifically, while I was never diagnosed because my mother is dead set against psychiatry, I met all the criteria for full blown DID. Like. Really, REALLY bad dissociative episodes. I was totally walled off from my alters. I had out of body experiences. I would black out in one place and come back somewhere else entirely.
I don’t want to get into discourse about systems. Or pathologizing or trauma or whatever. But I, personally, was deeply unwell at the time, and it was absolutely a trauma response in my case.
I don’t feel like explaining why I use past tense for that. I just��I dunno. I have never missed those terrifying blackouts before. But I’m feeling so unwell that sometimes I’ll break down crying and wish I could split again so one of the others could take over and let me stop existing for a couple hours. I want to black out and come back to find my projects done. The discourse over. Etc
I miss my alters. I feel so damn alone. My friends are all bailing. I can count on one hand the number of people I trust not to turn on me since two of my best friends and a longterm pal of over a decade all turned on me with zero warning.
I can’t long for death anymore because I’m a parent and my daughter needs me. Otherwise…idk.
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