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I’m not just attracted to you

Attraction is skin deep

And I’m attracted to your fucking soul

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“I think I might always be in some kind of love with you.”

— F. Cabanes

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26 January 1954: The Queen wore a gown of ice-blue silver brocade with a halter neckline and a low cut at the back for the royal concert held at Dunedin Town Hall.

As for the jewelry, she wore the Girls of Great Britain and Ireland tiara, the Diplomatic Corps diamond floral earrings, Queen Victoria’s Golden Jubilee necklace, the Edinburgh wedding bracelet, and her Jaeger-LeCoultre Calibre 101 watch.

[xclypse]

A word about the man I have loved:

Fuck. He’s so god damn hot when he swears.

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It’s not even that I’m scared of your glance changing with her. It won’t. You’ve never looked at anyone the way you look at me. That’s common knowledge, even to her unfortunately.

And I would even forgive that,

But I’m just not sure that you’ll ever run towards me instead of running away. You’ve always longed to follow the status quo, and what we have just isn’t. We matched, but not on a dating app- through our souls.

- and now I’m lost

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Do you know that I kept asking for more and more instead of showing how thankful I was for what you did? Because I didn’t want to make it awkward. I didn't want to show you how much I cared, like a scared and proud child all at once.

Do you know that there are ghosts everywhere we left? 

I can’t go anywhere without imagining you. You aren’t even gone you’ve just changed. 

Sometimes that hurts more.

Do you know how much I beg for what we had? 

I peek around corners. I opened closed doors - just longing. 

And I pretend it works every damn time. 

But nothing is the way it should have been without you.

-I wish it worked out

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I don't know

how to say I love you

except that I do.

I can’t say it though - you won’t hear me.

It would be like a whisper 

But never from me -

From the wind.

Because I wished on a star last night 

And willed it. 

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I wish it was acceptable to ask people what their favourite poem was when we first met them.

I would learn so much more about people that way.

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“I’ve tried so hard but thank God I know when to stop”

“You see,” she whispered “Once you’ve been scorched it takes the smallest flame to sear into the wound and set you afire. Then once again you rage with passion - just to disappear into ashes. I crave passion but you’re not worth it. Not this time.”

- 00:50 // notes app

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It hurts in the strangest ways... crying at noon, in the night, hearing a song, doing the dishes- when you start to get scared of time passing because it’s already passed so fast. It feels like he was here yesterday but in reality every day you grow a day farther away from knowing him. Soon those days will turn into months, years, decades... and I’m terrified. I’m paralyzed by the thought of forgetting him and his foolish wonderful ways.

- I’m scared of having to miss you//excerpt from a book I’ll never write/ teawithemmie

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“Of course she wasn’t like you.”

He spoke so flatly, so deprived of emotion and I could only stare at him. I had waited for those words or a touch of that sentiment for what seemed like forever- but not like this.

I had never imagined it said like this. I had never even heard it said like this, it almost scared me. He looked so tired but he had given me all the energy I ever wanted, why didn’t he understand... why didn’t I understand. It was the oddest feeling, I should be elated but I was debating between furious and terrified. So I started to cry, really cry. After all these years something broke inside of me and I started sobbing wholeheartedly at a loss of words, while he sat there drinking his coffee, staring out the window, lost in thought.

- where is the romance? my heart is ashes. // excerpt from a story I’ll never write // teawithemmie

[xclypse]

I like fairytales.

I like movies with happy endings even though I know half the point is to teach a lesson. I like books where she ends up with the man she loves in the end. Where we ignore heartbreak that’s never mended, where we pretend that everyone we know will live forever. I like books and movies that avoid pain. I know reality is important... but I think we understand enough of that already.

Where are all the fairytales?// excerpt from a story I’ll never write - teawithemmie

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No, he understands me even in silence. There isn’t anything to avoid - I can be completely and entirely myself. Has anyone ever allowed you to do that?

Don’t look at me like that. He’s destroying it and it breaks my heart. He’s taking every piece of fiery spark we possessed and as if it was an artistic plate shattering it until nothing is left but dangerous pieces of glass that are so minuscule you can’t find them to pick it up to save yourself. But, every time you step there they cut deep. I don’t know where to start to fix the chaos but the pain of it reminds me not to try. No one will ever be able to tell what a beautiful piece of art it once was except those who created it and now it seems as though one has forgotten.

-I guess even the most beautiful things are dangerous// excerpt from a book I’ll never write// teawithemmie

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“and I don’t even have that ‘heart of stone’. I feel the heartbreak just fine.”

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The house is quieter without you.

The sun shines in but it’s still dark. I remember you would close the curtains when it was too hot outside in the summer so that it wouldn’t get too warm inside for us. I used to hate that. but it was still brighter than this.

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And along with him, my childhood died. Every warm embrace in the world vanished. It became a much darker place, my anxieties grew, and overnight I had to grow up

- I still miss you, can you tell? // excerpt from a story I’ll never write

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I can’t wait until we’re older, and I can just google your name and find out all sorts of things about you without having to go through the pain of seeing you again just to ask- and I’ll be proud of you - I always have been you know.

Until we meet again will be until you come back - I won’t have to wait anxiously for a reason to see you.

Then when we do meet, you’ll have a wife and children and I’ll still be terribly heartbroken over you.

But sometimes the look in your eyes will almost be enough to convince me that we’re still in the same place we were when we were teenagers as if youth didn’t strip away every cover we had, and I’ll believe, even for a second, that you believe in heartbreak too.

- and even that will be enough // excerpt from a book I’ll never write