wretchedwomen - Tumblr blog

[wretchedwomen]

where

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isint it odd? no matter where you are it doesn’t feel like you belong. you sit with friends and their family, you know they don’t know you. no one really knows you. you feel so alone, your loneliness leading you to the darkest of places, of habits. and oh, how easy that devil led you away. now after so long, you try and dig yourself out of the hole you dug for yourself, but everytime you scratch and claw, another hill of dirt and mud is revealed, crashing down on you like a boulder. and you sit there, alone in the darkness of this hole and think so many things, like how no one can see you down here, no one can hear you no matter how much you tell scream and cry, and everything you ever done doesn’t matter at this point. what hand reaches down to pull you out of here? it’s like everytime a hand reaches down, you try and grab on but your claws have hurt the hand helping you. you don’t belong anywhere on the surface now, you just have to accept that this hole is where you will be forever, until you die. what will you do then?

[wretchedwomen]

i don’t know

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today in class, students were asked, “how are you feeling right now?” i thought about it and, i don’t know. i don’t know what the feeling is but i know i feel something. i can’t tell if it’s good or if it’s bad. it was a mix of a lot of things. for example, i felt extremely sad, i felt that this feeling wasn’t good. but then, i felt bad for feeling bad because i really had no reason to feel bad, so i guess i felt guilt. but i though about how currently, i am around all my friends. so i should feel good, as they joked around and laughed and smiled around me. i usually join with them, laughing at stupid jokes and smiling awkwardly when we see something weird. weirdly enough, none of this feels right. my friends don’t feel like my friends, and this feeling was getting more indescribable by the second. okay…focus. how do you feel right now? well, good, i’ve been reading up on my bible today and so far, i’ve finished all my homework and so far, i think ive been seeing improvement but oh my gosh, my friend, she is so much better then me. lately, ive actually been feeling really really jealous towards one of my friends and i know thats not good. and right now, im still feeling jealous and to be honest, i don’t know why im feeling so jealous but i know i am. i still don’t know how i feel right now, all the feelings ive ever felt are coming crashing down on me when im asked that question. i look at my chromebook screen wondering what ill answer for the question. “i dont know what im feeling, but its something.��

[wretchedwomen]

a women’s guilt

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I wish i could switch out my thighs with yours. I wish i could squeeze the fat out of my chest and give it to you just to say, “are you a tit or ass guy?” or maybe ask you if you can take 8 inches. how would you feel? knowing that all i see in you is how many holes you have. how long could you go for? i feel guilty for having my body, for wanting bigger thighs, or a skinner waist because i know it definitely attracts male gaze. doesn’t it? i cant feel comfortable in my body knowing a man can see the fat on my body and dislike me. my normal human body doesn’t feel normal when you stare at it.

[wretchedwomen]

blood stained body

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i always felt like my hands were bloodied, like i was a bad person. chained to my sorrow for an eternity. in a dark cage with a well of water infront of me. and no matter how much i reached to wash my hands clean in the well, sink, and shower, the blood would continue to infect my skin, rotting my being as it spread throughout my body. i would stand in the rain, trying to imagine what i would feel like if all the rain was slowly cleaning my body free of this infection, but then as i open my eyes, the rain was my blood. covered my body in the sticky, red disgustingness and now, i am stained. now that i think about it, was it the chains keeping me bloodied after all?

[wretchedwomen]

and really,

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my face blurrs and forms into everything i see negatively. a disgusting sack of skin and fat and blood mushing into one nasty sight of a face. everytime i looked into a mirror that’s all i could see. slowly everyone else’s face is a sack of ugliness, projecting my insecurities on all the rest of the world. objects becoming things they aren’t because they had no meaning anymore. nothing has meaning anymore when you detach yourself from the world. and really, that’s your suicide.

[wretchedwomen]

my blanket

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today i was thinking about just how much i miss a lovers warmth though ive never felt it. its like through all the hurt, abuse and pain i felt comfort of just the thought of their arms. i would stare at the ceiling, the pit of my mattress slowly engulfing me into the feeling that i was being held, the blankets warmth making it just as believable. now, i can’t even fathom the thought that they would even touch me. they have dissected my being to be what they wanted and now i am bloody and disgusting. i can’t be held again because my blood will stain you.