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M31: The Andromeda Galaxy ©

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I caved and downloaded cakewalk. I need to make music or I'll wither away

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who are we to fight the alchemy?

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Man, having a dissociative disorder is confusing.

ALWAYS WRITE SHIT DOWN.

I'm doubly confused when people's actions don't align with their words because I have memory issues.

I did not used to have memory issues, but I do now.

One of the unfortunate side effects of trauma processing work is that shit comes back up.

I am experiencing heavy brain fog and emotional dysregulation because I've been starting parts work and trauma processing and I'm realizing how much horrible shit I've been through.

At my core, I'm pretty sensitive and I think I have largely coped with this throughout my life by dissociating.

I used to spend hours and hours daydreaming when I was a kid.

I still do, but it's mostly just turned into anxious rumination now.

I try to force myself to direct my streams of consciousness into creative pursuits instead of anxiety ridden pursuits.

It feels like a flow of imaginative ideas from somewhere that need to be expressed.

If i ignore the feeling or try to push it away, it gets worse.

Stimming helps a lot and so does gentle movement.

There is a part of my brain that really doesn't want to exist so I have to apply a lot of conscious effort in doing most tasks in order to both placate this part and accomplish the task at hand.

It is exhausting.

I am exhausted.

I have been up all night fighting the compulsion to text my ex.

I talked about urge surfing with my therapist this week and I'm trying my best to just ride it out.

I'm trying to extend the compassion I wish others would have toward me, toward myself.

I am trying to break the cycle of needing to rely on external support for emotional regulation.

My life would be vastly different if I had learned about regulation techniques when I was younger.

My life would be vastly different if I was given actual practical dating, relationship, friendship, and general social advice instead of the horribly judgemental ideas I was exposed to in a conservative christian environment.

I think I've finally found a therapist who can handle walking through my trauma with me and I'm feeling some relief in knowing that I will be able to unburden myself.

It is not easy. It is very painful.

But I can't avoid it anymore.

I am hoping I can create art out of these experiences.

If you're reading this and you can relate at all, I see you and I feel your pain and I hold space for your pain and promise you that your pain is valid and deserves love and support and care.

Keep searching for the answers.

I am learning to find the balance between constantly seeking, and learning when to let go.

It is a painful lesson.

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Can I have advice on how to advocate for myself?

I am one of the alters in a system, I think I front the most often after the host, and I have met a mental health professional I feel very unsure of.

I have developed some skills to stop and analyze situations before I act thanks to a DBT skill course, but I have currently only come to the "stop" and "notice I feel bad" stage in this analysis. Anything else feels fuzzy and difficult.

On one hand, he seems like he is genuinely interested in our general wellbeing.

On the other hand, in my opinion, he seems to be pushing towards integration without having us on board with that. I understand this is not necessarily bad, and that I am in a strong emotion right now, but it is setting off all of my alarm bells. I feel like he isn't listening. I feel like he doesn't understand. I feel like he is pushing us to talk about ourselves in a very specific way as to go towards integration. Some things that I can't put into words makes me feel like we are like a project to him, a problem to be solved, and that disagreeing would make him personally upset. I recognize logically that I could be wrong, and that my impulse to change care provider is just that, an impulse guided by a strong emotion.

Okay, therapy speak nuance over. Cancelling therapy forever. In self defence...

Basically, how do I figure out if this is a real threat or a perceived threat and how I should act in order to get to a place that is actually safe?

(I'm tagging this with different related tags in order to find help, I'm not claiming all these tags apply to me)

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Advice if you love/care about an addict but they're not ready for abstinence. This is meeting people where they're at- the most important part of harm reduction

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this is the hardest any single image has ever gone

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Finally I have time to listen to tortured poets department

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Finally I have time to listen to tortured poets department

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Fuck it, I see this all over my feed, so I'm gonna join in.

If this gets 500 notes, I'll try to go outside once a day. ✔️

if this gets 1k notes, I'll start working on my book again. ✔️

If this gets 2k notes, I'll ask a teacher to call me by my chosen name. ✔️

if this gets 3k notes, I'll get more serious about learning Russian and French.

If this gets 4k notes, I'll get more serious about singing.

If this gets 5k notes, I'll ask to get a bass.

doing this on this blog cause it gets more attention and shit.

Welp, time to stratagize which teacher to tell.

You know, I probably should have swapped number 2 and number 3.

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Here we are

Cotton candy sky

Miles apart

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when she says she doesn’t send nudes

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op of continent poll is a swiftie

im gonna be real this is probably the funniest warning ive received in any context. like damn i had no idea i guess we should execute them in the streets

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me doing japanese homework:

wait a minute….

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i mean, there’s typecasting

and then there’s playing a version of cinderella’s stepsister four times

four

separate

productions