woebegonewaif

[woebegonewaif]

thought autocomplete would take me to outlook dot com not realising id forgotten the T before i pressed enter. However was very much pleased at what it took me to instead. I think I don't want to see my emails now. I think I will stay with the oul.

[woebegonewaif]

i think i just had a regular human experience

[woebegonewaif]

cairn maiden time

[woebegonewaif]

[woebegonewaif]

i like working at plant store. sometimes you ring up someone and there's a slug on their plant and so you're like "Oh haha you've got a friend there let me get that for you" and you put the slug on your hand for safekeeping but then its really busy and you dont have time to take the slug outside before the next customer in line so you just have a slug chilling on your hand for 15 minutes. really makes you feel at peace with nature. also it means sometimes i get to say my favorite line which is "would you like this free slug with your purchase"

[woebegonewaif]

I love when household beasts are like whoa. You were gonna piss all on your own? No backup or companionship or anything? Babe. I got you. I'm right here. You don't have to be alone during this difficult time (pissing), and you won't be. Ever. This is not a discussion.

[woebegonewaif]

[woebegonewaif]

oh what a fine masked fellow

[woebegonewaif]

“Mothership” 🖖🖖

[woebegonewaif]

[woebegonewaif]

can I pay extra to not have a pizza commissar breathing down Sara's neck

[woebegonewaif]

I’m doing the dishes

it’s a warm spring day

I watch out the window as my neighbours wiener dog wanders out into the garden in its little blue bandana

I stop, mesmerised.

It’s sniffing flowers — carnations, I think — for quite some time until it becomes excited by a bird overhead and bounces around to chase it’s shadow

the dog returns to the sunlit spot by the flowers and flops over, belly up, to bask in the warm light

“I want to be that dog” I say to myself. “I want to share with the world the peaceful joy that dog must be feeling right now.”

I try to take a picture; my zoom is not enough. I get weird and grab my pigeon-watching binoculars to get a better zoom, line my phone camera up with the lens. And I take one single, illicit, sleepy dog picture.

I hope the ends justified the means.

I bet that dog is having a really nice day.

[woebegonewaif]

If trench warfare were made-up, it would be the most on-the-nose anti-war satire ever created. Bunch of young men shooting at each other from inside open graves, slowly rotting even as they fight to stay alive. Every so often, they get to move a few hundred metres to dig a new grave for themselves somewhere else and this is called a victory.

[woebegonewaif]

[woebegonewaif]

was measuring out some sugar and i scooped out one spoonful and fucking said "two." i didn't know you could even lose count that fast

[woebegonewaif]

my cat still doesn't get that we have different definitions of 'acceptable breakfast time'