wilting-basil

[wilting-basil]

No, my pain doesn’t go away when test results come back normal.

[wilting-basil]

[wilting-basil]

i think a weird way i’m invalidated is when people hope i “get better” when it comes to my chronic pain. they don’t want to accept that i have irreversible damage and that i will always be in pain. i need preventative care, not reversal. i will never get back to the same body i had 4 years ago and i want that to be okay. 

[wilting-basil]

having multiple disorders with a lot of overlap is just like, trying to untangle a really big ball of string. you have no idea if it's only one string or multiple strings wrapped up, you don't know where any of them start or end, and after a while it all starts to look the same. it's a big jumbled mess and it's exhausting, but you try to sort them out anyway because they're no good to you tied up.

[wilting-basil]

what i want most is to live  the rest of my life desperately  wanting to live it.

Lord of the Butterflies, ‘The Day You Died Because You Wanted To’ by Andrea Gibson (via amouthfulloflove)

[wilting-basil]

i’ve been dealing with some issues for so long 

that i got really good at coexisting with them

and i can’t even imagine a different way of living (even though it might be possible)

[wilting-basil]

“When did I become I and the body? When did the two of us separate?”

Madmen, Aditi Nagrath

[wilting-basil]

[wilting-basil]

it’s been a while

i’ve been having a tough time with my body today. Some days I mourn the body I used to have. Running around, not in pain. I want that back but I know my bones have degenerated enough to not be at 100% ever again.

Later today, I had a conversation with my partner about how my eating is getting worse now that I’m not distracting myself with college work. Today was the worst eating day I’ve had in a while. He said he is worried about me and it’s something he’s always thinking about. I don’t want to worry people. I want to get better and I want them to know that I want to get better.

Everything effects my body. It’s hard to tell what is doing the most damage.

[wilting-basil]

TW: ED

I’ve been having a hard time eating nutritious food. I feel like shit. I know that it’s gonna that I’m eating regardless, but sometimes it just feels better to not eat when I know that my cravings will make me feel groggy.

[wilting-basil]

SO gonna try this tomorrow😍

This morning’s breakfast concoction of chocolate oatmeal (made with cocoa powder and maple syrup to taste), peanut butter, grilled banana, coconut, vanilla almond milk, granola and dark chocolate 😋😋  insta: @veganzoejessica

[wilting-basil]

[wilting-basil]

Tw: ED

I’m binging today but trying to be lenient with myself and see what nutrients my body is asking for. I’m craving really oily foods right now. Going to try to incorporate more essential fatty acids into my meals.

Don’t ignore your cravings! They mean something! It can help a lot, especially when we are recovering and need essential nutrients.

[wilting-basil]

TW: ED recovery talk

I’m wondering if I need to start counting calories for recovery but I don’t even want to know how little I’m eating because I’ll stress out. But also like..intuitive eating my ass!!!

[wilting-basil]

women will say “i am in a great deal of pain” and describe their pain in very precise, measured terms, and men (including doctors) will go “hmm, you’re not screaming expletives aloud or smashing inanimate objects or lashing terrifyingly out at innocent people around you.  verdict: you’re not in real pain.  you’re lying because you have melodramatic lady brain.  also if you are partaking in anything resembling the aforementioned behaviour it’s cuz you’re a crazy bitch and you’re still lying”

[wilting-basil]

CW: food

I have been absolutely loving this pasta I’ve been making. Sautéed green onions and garlic in seasame oil, pasta/ramen noodles, soy sauce, more seasame oil, and agave. So easy.

My biggest struggle is my avoidance to cook meals. I am actually totally fine eating out but once it comes to the kitchen, I can’t even face the task. My goal this year is to cook more hearty meals at home.

[wilting-basil]

Every time I go to the dentist they comment on my weight like how about you never look at my body again 🗡