whatsonmymind03

[whatsonmymind03]

Ko Kyung-Jun x reader: “A Dream?”

AN: this was originally the 1st chapter of a kyungjun x reader story I had planned but I am just sticking to one shots so I decided to just post the first chapter anyways. But if it feels different or off from my usual posts it’s because it was a 1st chapter and also not very edited!

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Lee Sang-Hwan is being executed for breaking the rule. Kim Hyeong-Seok is being executed for breaking the rule.

You scream, but nobody looks, the yell being carried away by the other screams around you. Loud and desperate yells towards the two boys who have passed the “designated area”, everyone watching behind the white lines as they violently bash their heads into one another.

You’re all the way behind everybody else, still near the entrance doors, having been the last one out. Your breath is staggering and irregular, you feel the onset of a panic attack creeping up on you. You feel like everything is suddenly spinning, ears ringing. The screams and voices suddenly get drowned out by the million thoughts flashing through your mind. Everything felt like too much.

You shakily take a few steps forward to the tall frame a few feet away from you. Their tall and strong frame seemingly gives off strength. Their feet, planted on the ground, hands curled into fists by their sides. But just as you reach right behind their back, letting their frame shield you from the horrific events unfolding up ahead, you notice their tremoring. Fists curling and uncurling, their shoulders rise and fall fast like they are breathing irregularly the same as you. You stand on the tips of your toes to peek over their shoulder, seeing the two boys now have rocks in their hands. Just as they are about to bring them to their heads, you bring your feet back down, moving even closer behind the person. Now being so close, you hear their staggering breath. They were afraid just like you.

Without even thinking twice, you reach your hand up to grab onto their jacket. You pinch the fabric between your thumb and pointer finger, a small action to ground yourself, or him, or the both of you.

Kyung-Jun turns his head ever so slightly, peering at you over his shoulder. He doesn’t say anything, or do anything. The two of you are now staring at one another, as if in a mutual understanding. You feel the corners of your eyes start to well up with tears over the situation at hand.

Your gazes are locked on one another. Choosing to ignore the chaos and fear consuming the two of you and instead focusing on each other so intently, it’s enough to forget what’s happening at the moment.

A distraction.

No, an anchor.

You’re suddenly pulled out of the trance as you hear your name being called. A faint whisper at first, until it increasingly gets louder. The yell of your name mixing with the other yells and-

Your eyes shoot open. Lifting your head up and jumping up from your seat. Your thumping heartbeat is all you can hear for a moment as you try to take in your surroundings. School. Breaktime. I fell asleep earlier.

You feel a hand on your shoulder. Yoon-Seo.

“Are you okay?” She asks softly. “You fell asleep towards the end of class, I let you sleep during break but then I saw you turning your head a lot. It looked like you were mumbling words too. When I came over your face was sweating, it took you a while to wake up. I was even shaking you…” she trailed off, looking more deeply into your eyes.

“Are you okay though?” She repeated.

You still felt disoriented looking around the classroom. Many students were out in the halls during the break, so not everyone was here to witness your little scene. You slowly sat back down, Yoon-Seo still hovering over you. You reach a shaky hand up to press against your forehead, feeling the beads of sweat there, then use your sleeve to wipe across it.

“Yeah I’m okay, thanks for waking me up.” You smiled up at her. “I think I was having a dre-” You faltered, trying to remember the events of this “dream”. But already upon waking up the details were becoming fuzzy, the events fading into your mind. One thing was certain though, that was not a dream. “Actually, it was more like a nightmare. I think you were even in it too.” You looked into her eyes. “The whole class was… but I’m forgetting the details already, I just know it was definitely a nightmare.”

You saw something shift in Yoon-Seo’s expression, her eyebrows furrowing a bit. “That’s odd, because I actually have been having dreams, or nightmares as you say, revolving around our class too. They feel so real while I’m sleeping, I’ve been constantly waking up in the middle of the night terrified. But I also don’t really remember much either afterwards.”

“Does Jun-Hee know? I bet he’d be really worried about you.” You couldn’t help the small smirk forming on your face at the chance to tease Yoon-Seo about her not so little crush.

Just as the blush was creeping up on her face, the boy in question walked up to the two of you. “I’d be worried about what?” He questioned. “Everything okay?” He placed a reassuring hand on Yoon-Seo’s shoulder.

“Yes everything’s fine, just someone here has been influenced by Kyung-Jun, falling asleep during class.” Jun-Hee laughed at Yoon-Seo’s comment.

At the mention of his name, you felt your heart involuntary start to race. Kyung-Jun was in my dream. You distinctly remember him, but the dream is a very distant and lost memory now, unable to remember exactly why the mere mention of his name had your heart racing.

You glance over to him now. He sits directly opposite to you, on the other side of the room by the door. Like Yoon-Seo said, he’s also sleeping. Head in the crook of his elbow on his desk, his usual blue pillow hanging around his neck.

Jun-Hee snaps you out of your thoughts. “Hyun-Ho told me we’re playing dodgeball in gym. It’ll be intense I’m sure, just like last time.”

You let out a groan at that. Gym was next, a class you didn’t particularly care about. You weren’t the athletic type, and certainly didn’t act like the games played in gym were the Olympics, which was how most of the boys in class treated gym. You put very minimal effort into that class.

“Remember last time the team Kyung-Jun was on lost to Hyun-Ho’s. He got so angry, he made everyone in class that day miserable. Especially Da-Bum and Joo-Won”, Jun-Hee went on.

“Yeah, Kyung-Jun was a sore loser I guess, but don’t forget how Hyun-Ho was pretty smug during and after the game. He just riled him up more, being all arrogant like that”, you clarified. The “rivalry” between Hyun-Ho and Kyung-Jun was well known amongst the class, the former along with Jun-Hee, often stood up for the students Kyung-Jun bullied. Hyun-Ho and Kyung-Jun often fought a lot, but it wasn’t all Kyung-Jun’s doing. Hyun-Ho could certainly be insulting back, only furthering the anger that Kyung-Jun often felt, doing little to actually ease the situation and only putting more fuel into Kyung-Jun’s fire.

You then looked over to Kyung-Jun, a small gasp leaving you. He was still laying down, but his eyes were open now. Staring intently at you. The physical wall that always stood around him, that being Jin-Ha and Seung-Bin, were gone, probably off to get snacks, leaving Kyung-Jun open to your gaze. He had probably heard what you said too, since the students that were still in the classroom were fairly quiet. Most likely due to not wanting to irritate him by waking him up.

You quickly averted your gaze back to your friends just as the bell rang. Signifying the end of break. You grabbed your backpack and began to walk to the door with Yoon-Seo and Jun-Hee to go to the gym for class.

As you’re just about to step into the noisy and crowded hallway, you pass Kyung-Jun who you hear muttering something, although very clearly.

“That cheeky bastard was being too smug that day.”

The corner of your mouth twitches, a small smile forming on your face as you head to the gym.

[whatsonmymind03]

Ko Kyung-Jun x Reader: “Try”

A Part 2 to my other one-shot “I Love You” on my page

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Now it’s been almost eight months, and Kyung-Jun was feeling restless. Nearly three weeks have passed since he was flooded by, utterly consumed by your sudden declaration of love. To say that it was a complete surprise for him would be a lie. He had known, he had felt, that he and you were getting closer. Physically and emotionally. That despite his best attempt at keeping his walls up, you crack by crack led them to crumble.

He knew he was screwed from the very first time you had reached out to him.

He heard soft, calculating footsteps behind him one day when he was walking home from school. As if someone was hesitant to be heard from him. And they should be, he was the infamous Kyung-Jun, a bully. But as he whipped around, ready to strike, your small stature stood there. Gripping your backpack straps, he could see the hesitation written on your face, but there was no fear towards him. Instead your eyes reflected a sense of determination, like you had something very important you wanted to say to him, and you did.

“Do you want to hangout with me?”

Kyung-Jun was so taken back that the “permanent” scowl on his face dropped for a second. Just a second. Because then Kyung-Jun was morphing his face back to his usual one of annoyance and irritation, he wasn’t going to be caught off guard by you.

“Are you insane?” Kyung-Jun replied. He wasn’t yelling or getting worked up, yet. He genuinely felt this girl was crazy. The one that he always caught glancing at him in class, holding eye contact with him until Kyung-Jun felt so exposed, he had to look away. And Kyung-Jun wasn’t the one to look away first, a sign of losing, a sign of weakness. That his strong resolve was being shaken by some crazy cute girl.

“No?” You looked confused, eyebrows furrowing. “We were assigned as partners today for the science project. It’s a lot of work, part of our midterm grade you know. I thought maybe you could come over and we can start working on it.”

What in the world! Kyung-Jun couldn’t believe this. Since when did he partake in group projects? Kyung-Jun didn’t study, put the minimum effort into his work, rarely did assignments unless he really had to. And yet he wasn’t failing, because he wasn’t dumb. He surprisingly did average, sometimes above average on tests without even studying. To him it was common sense. But putting in work into a project, doing “his” part of it, was something he never did. If there was one, the other person just assumed, knew better, than to ask him for help and did both parts themselves. Even the teacher understood. And yet, here you are. Asking him to… “hang out”?

Maybe you hadn’t fully grasped the situation yet, you were a transfer student, started the school year a month later and hadn’t been there the previous year.

He let out an impatient sigh, “You’re still sort of new so I’ll cut you some slack, but you should’ve caught on by now…” he muttered. “Don’t bother me, don’t irritate me, don’t stare at me in class, and definitely don’t follow me after school to ask me to do a group project with you.” He turned back around, walking ahead. He thought you were odd, but despite it all he wasn’t feeling particularly angry, just annoyed.

And then he felt a tug on his jacket, a small pull. Glancing over his shoulder, you’re right behind him now and holding up an individual sized bag of candy. “I have snacks.”

As if he’s a dog, and treats are going to win him over. You’re stupid, utterly stupid, but it’s comical, really, as he’s watching the grin on your face grow more as you wiggle the candy up towards his face. And that’s when the first crack appeared.

He grabbed the candy from your hand, “You’re lucky that I like these” and started walking the direction you came from.

“Oh my house is that way” you point to the right.

“Whatever. Don’t expect me to do anything. I’ll just watch to make sure you’re doing both our parts, I don’t wanna redo the year because you can’t do a stupid project.”

And against his better judgment, he grudgingly followed you to your home, eating the candy along the way. He didn’t say much at your house, didn’t do much either. Just watched as you struggled with the questions, looking at him with wide confused eyes, and then inch by inch he moved closer to you on the floor to show you how to do it. Finding himself doing a project for once, and finding one person that cracked open his walls just a bit, allowing you to squeeze your way inside.

But that was seven months ago. And now the cracks in his walls were everywhere. His walls were barely standing up strong, and the minute you uttered that “I love you”, they completely broke. Crumbling down and nearly suffocating him from the weight of them.

He ran out of your room, the place he shared so many moments with you. Each time creating a new crack that he was growing accustomed to feeling. He struggled with it all of course. The knowledge that you were working your way into his heart, and the fact that he was beginning to find himself okay with that, almost… wanting that. A release.

But the “I love you” suddenly woke him up.

He didn’t deserve you. Your sweet smile and curious eyes. You had so much ahead of you, he thought. And he had nothing. For the first time in a long time since practically childhood, Kyung-Jun was truly afraid. Afraid that someday you would wake up and regret what you uttered that day. That if he let himself indulge in his desires, his fantasies to be happy and unguarded by his walls with you, that you wouldn’t like what you saw.

Despite knowing deep inside that you weren’t that type of person to, that you showed him before how you were so patient with him, unyielding. Never letting his behavior and attitude sway you. You still waited everyday after school for him in the same spot. Even when his weaknesses would consume him and he’d take some of them out on you.

Those moments were the moments he hated himself even more than he usually did. A part of him wished, willed you to leave. To stop trying with him. But you were always there. And never pushy either, you saw right through him despite him never fully and properly opening up and revealing all his darkness to you. You never asked, you waited till he was comfortable.

He took it all for granted. And now after he responded like that to you, saying you “disgusted” him, he hated himself the most he ever did in his life.

So after he lashed out at you, which is what he does best, he did the second thing he’s best at. Pushing others away.

He ignored you for three weeks.

The immediate next few days he saw from the back of the school you still stood waiting for him in your spot. Watching you look around for him. But then after a week, Yoon-Seo came to you, asking you to go somewhere it seemed. His heart ached at the sight of you giving one last look around before you reluctantly left with her.

After that week you stopped waiting for him. Good, he thought. Deserved. But he still could see in the corner of his eye the glances you threw at him in class. The saddened, yet determined expression on your face. It was hard to control himself not to look your way. Please. Give up. He thought. As much as he hated that prick Hyun-Ho, he thought that he would even be a better pick for you.

When the third week arrived, your absence finally got to him. He found himself going back to his severe and relentless insufferable behavior in school, which had lessened overtime since being with you. He was having trouble sleeping at night. And most of all, he found himself still hating himself, if not even more. And that’s when he realized that all those times he was with you, he found himself hating himself just a little less.

That he truly enjoyed being with you, that your presence calms the storm inside him. That he didn’t mind the new cracks in his walls because you began to make him feel that having weaknesses wasn’t so bad. He wanted to impress you, make you happy. So he started being a so-called better person for you, but along the way he realized he started to do it for himself too. And he was liking the person he was becoming.

Is it really okay for me to be happy like this? With… her?

So when that third week was coming to an end, on Thursday Kyung-Jun raided the vending machine for your favorite candy, the same one that he liked too, the one you gave him the day you asked to do the project together.

(Little did he know that wasn’t your favorite candy, but you had watched him frequently getting that one from the vending machine, and because of him you grew to like it too.)

He wanted to do something, something small in comparison to all the things you had done for him that he couldn’t even begin to vocalize. The next day, Friday, was White Day afterall.

Shockingly, Kyung-Jun came early to school. He opened up your school shoe locker, having learned the combination overtime, and filled it with the candy. It was stupid, really, but at this point he would do anything to see that sad expression on your face morph into a happy one. To hear your contagious laugh. Anything in an attempt to fix what- no, to rebuild, because he knew he couldn’t simply fix and take back what he had said to you, the hurt and confusion he caused. But he wanted to show you that he was willing to. That he was now ready to take a step forward. And together with you finish breaking down all his walls, so all that remained was the raw Kyung-Jun ready to give you the love you deserved.

He waited a long time behind the lockers for you. Trying to keep himself looking busy. Scrolling on his phone and finding the ceiling to be very interesting that morning. Jin-Ha and Seung-Bin found him as they were walking in, bewildered as to why he was just standing there. He suddenly sent them away with a slap to their necks and a glare because he saw you come in out of the corner of his eye. Or rather, heard. That incessant clanking bell noise on your bag charm. It was a Sanrio charm, stupid in his eyes, but you had eyed it in the mall one day when the two of you were walking around. He went back the next day to buy it for you. It had a tiny bell hanging underneath the character that made noise every time your bag moved when you walked.

And despite once finding it so annoying, he found himself to be happier than ever to hear it. You still had it.

He peeked out from his position a bit more, watching you put in your passcode on the lock. A neutral expression on your face.

He hadn’t thought of just how loud the noise of the candy pieces in the bags would sound upon hitting the hard school floors. He watched you immediately take a step back, confusion adorning your face as you looked down at the candy plummeting to the floor. Some other students passing by were just as confused, whispering to their friends. But he didn’t pay them any attention, his gaze too focused on watching your expression. Watching for any changes that would hint at you still wanting to try with him.

The note he had put in your locker amongst the candy, neatly folded over, hiding something beneath it fell to the floor too. You bent down, picking it off the floor. He watched you release a deep breath, taking a moment before removing the tap and opening the note up fully.

He had wrapped in the middle of the white paper his nametag, not caring if the school discipline committee would grill him for not wearing it today. A piece of fabric that in their customs meant you liked someone. And underneath the specifically placed name tag was 8 letters, 3 words, but one meaning addressed solely to you.

“I love you”

Your hair was now hiding the side of your face from bending down, he couldn’t make out the expression on your face. He moved forward, closing the distance a bit.

Just as he moved forward, he sucked in a breath upon seeing you lift your head up to his direction. You were staring right at him now, did you know he was there?

His pulse immediately increased, the sound hammering in his ears. He knew you had every right to not accept this, he ignored you for three weeks after all. But all he kept pleading to himself was please, please, please, until he had managed to softly utter one of those pleases out loud,

“Please…”

And then he noticed the tears starting to well in your eyes. Or maybe it was actually his own growing tears making his vision fuzzy.

His gaze drifted from your eyes to your mouth, looking at your neutral expression.

The corner of your lip twitched up suddenly, and you let out a very small breathy laugh, but it was a laugh.

And he released a sigh of relief, an overdue one, at the small, but soft closed lip smile now gracing your face.

For the first time in his life, he felt that he wholeheartedly wanted to try for something in his life. So he was going to continue to try, for himself and you. The person to make him realize that maybe he had deserved to be happy, and the only person he could ever feel that way with was you.

[whatsonmymind03]

Ko Kyung-Jun x reader: No One Noticed (But You Did)

A Part 2 to my one-shot titled "Umbrella" on my page, although this could kind of be read separately, lots of studying what Kyung-Jun's inner thoughts would be like with a crush Idk lol

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Kyung-Jun felt like a complete idiot, a fool, when he came home from school yesterday. Embarrassment bubbling inside him, making his cheeks feel hot. More than embarrassed, he found himself angry. Angry at himself for allowing a moment of weakness to slip out of his tough exterior. And most of all, you had been the one to bring that out. At that moment, it was like Kyung-Jun was a normal teenage boy, conversing with a friend and goofing around. Walls lowered themselves a bit for the real Kyung-Jun to peek out.

He felt even more of a fool now in school the next morning, walking to class with the pointy tip of a certain someone’s black and white polka-dotted umbrella sticking out of the top of his backpack. Why did he even bring it? Kyung-Jun was a taker. He took from people and didn’t give back. He took money from Joo-Won and Da-Bum. Took answers from someone else’s homework. Took basketballs from the gym. Took snacks and drinks from students. He took anything he wanted from anyone. So why was he giving back her umbrella? She had said he didn’t even need to, was it just because it was girly and he didn’t want it? 

No. Really he hated owing anyone anything. He didn’t want to have her have one over him, an excuse to bring up what happened yesterday. A moment of weakness, that’s all it was. And he didn’t want to be reminded of it again. He was having a bad day from the moment he woke up yesterday. The disapproving and judgemental stares from his father and older brother started the day. A hard smack on the back of his head from his father after hearing from his homeroom teacher he skipped class one too many times the past week. Hyun-Ho being extra cheeky with his remarks. Da-Bum being absent, letting the anger inside Kyung-Jun continue to build, not having an outlet to unleash it on. Jun-Hee’s perfect attitude irritating him. Then Seung-Bin and Jin-Ha annoying him with their idiotic conversations. But worst of all? Just as he was about to go outside, which was pouring rain by the way, he suddenly remembered what the date was. His mother’s day of passing. 

So, he walked home in the rain. Letting it soak him and make him cold. Not even bothering to use the hood on his windbreaker, feeling the raindrops fall from his now ungelled hair onto his face. Threatening to mix in with the tears brimming in his eyes. But he roughly wiped his eyes with his wet sleeve, not letting them fall because Kyung-Jun doesn’t cry. It was just a bad day. That’s all it was.

So when you insisted on shielding him from the rain with your stupid umbrella, it wasn’t your action per say that made him take a step back. It was your face. Your expression. The concern, no the curiosity, that was laced within. He suddenly felt exposed. Like you saw past the anger and aggression he presented and was looking at the complicated boy within. He knew that there was no way you could suddenly understand his actions, the reasons for his behavior. Or suddenly see all his weakness he felt he had, but it was that look of concern and curiosity that was enough to make him falter. Confidence dropping. The fact that you seemed to actually want to ask if he was truly okay had his head reeling. And then just your behavior in general, you were talking to him seemingly unafraid. Your nonchalance, your normalcy, your aloofness… it was suddenly rubbing off on him. 

No one noticed him in that way, but you did. And it made him feel a mix of emotions. So maybe bringing your umbrella back wasn’t just because he didn’t want to owe you, but also to interact with you again. To assess you, in a way. Because he couldn’t figure out your intentions. You spoke to him, willingly. No one does that, he thinks he doesn’t even want that. So were you maybe some kind of threat to him? Going to expose the moment of vulnerability he had grudgingly shared with you?

But he knew better than that, because he had actually been noticing you for some time.

How could he not? Because just as he arrived to the classroom, late as usual, he was reminded of where you sat. Where he sits, in the corner of the classroom by the door, you sit directly opposite of him on the other side. In the corner, by the window, which he noticed you frequently gazed out at. Despite the distance of three rows between you, every time he laid his head down on his desk to take a nap, he had a perfect view of you. When he’d wake up, there you still were.

And of course, he also happened to live right near you. Taking the same main road home every day after school. Depending on who left school first, one would be in the other’s view walking home. And still though, yesterday had been the first time the two of you had a full conversation, if you’d even call it that.

The class was filled with chatter and laughs. The homeroom teacher getting ready to silence them to take attendance. As Kyung-Jun took out his blue neck pillow, pushing the umbrella to the side to grab it, he eyed you. You were sitting slightly hunched over, your head in your hand. You looked unamused, or tired. A slight frown featured on your face. Kyung-Jun had learned pretty quickly that you seemed to be a very transparent person. In both senses. You were expressive, and your expressions often told when you disliked something you ate, were bored with class, annoyed by Heo-Yool’s antics, irritated by So-Mi’s snarky comments, and even the disapproval etched on your face when you caught him picking on the weaker students. 

And you seemed to also be transparent in the sense that you were rather unassuming. You kept to yourself, not going out of your way to stop him from calling Da-Bum out to the gym to “play” basketball for instance. You didn’t seem to have any close friends, always walking home alone from school. You talked to your classmates mainly only when spoken to and sat at lunch with Yoon-Seo and Se-Eun, though it was evident the latter had a closer relationship. And yet you weren’t totally quiet either, like you lacked a presence or something. If So-Mi for instance, or anyone for that matter said something to you that bothered you, you were quick to remark, but without getting heated about it. It was like you didn’t care about things, but he felt that you did inside. Which led him to continue his silent observations, curious in who you were beneath the simple and aloof personality you had. Just maybe, he felt a small invisible string, pulling him to you. 

And he was suddenly ripped from his deep thoughts about you, from no other than yourself. He watched you sneeze, rather loudly he thought, and then not even a full second later, another sneeze. 

Your eyes widened, your hand coming up to cover your nose. You turned to Yoon-Seo next to you, your hand covering your mouth partly so he couldn’t tell what you were saying, but then Yoon-Seo was unzipping her bag and pulling out a packet of pocket tissues. From the front of the classroom, the teacher began taking attendance, the class silencing. And then if on cue, you sneezed again! He was still looking at you, your face flushed now. He caught Heo-Yool who sat in front of you snickering. You mumbled a “sorry” to anyone who could hear for your disruption. 

The teacher continued down the line, getting to your name. Kyung-Jun watched as you opened your mouth to say you were here when you literally sneezed again. Kyung-Jun couldn’t help himself, he laughed. 

Several heads turned. Including Seung-Bin and Jin-Ha who seemed surprised to hear a laugh erupt from him. Especially because it wasn’t a sarcastic one, he was genuinely amused by the situation. Were you sick? From yesterday? He couldn’t help the boyish grin that fell on his face, of course you were suddenly sick. Not even being without your umbrella for long after giving it to him and yet here you were, pulling your vest back and forth from your shirt as if you were feeling hot. It even looked like your nose was a bit red. 

He couldn’t adjust his expression back to his usual scowl quick enough because you finally turned to look at him, having heard the laugh too. Finally you’re looking at me. He forced a cough out of himself, making his expression look normal. Your face suddenly flushing more upon eye contact. 

“Are you feeling alright?” The teacher called out to you. “I think you should go to the nurse just in case. Go now so you don’t miss the quiz later.”

“Yes Miss.” You gathered your things, getting up from your desk. He heard Yoon-Seo whisper “are you okay?” in which he heard you softly reply with, “yeah, I think I caught something from the rain yesterday, I didn’t have my umbrella with me.”

He felt his own face start to flush from simply being reminded of the umbrella in his bag. He was getting second-hand embarrassment from his own actions yesterday. He had to give you back your umbrella so he could forget all about it. 

You were just about to pass him, your eyes darting to him. And he swore he could see a ghost of a smile, a small, but genuine smile. He just stared as you walked out, and he heard Seung-Bin whisper to him and Jin-Ha, “noisy snot-nosed bitch.” Jin-Ha immediately snickered.

“Shut the fuck up” Kyung-Jun replied. Not giving a chance to see their bewildered expression and lowering his head to his desk to take his usual nap. But instead of finding himself agreeing with the fact that you were being noisy, and well you did have a snot filled nose at the moment, all he could think of was that you looked kind of cute instead. 

Sometime later, Kyung-Jun rose from a failed deep sleep attempt. It was break now. He knew why he couldn’t get a clear mind to sleep, his thoughts were occupied by you and your stupid umbrella. He hated how he knew he was letting this one act of kindness get to him. He couldn’t shake off that expression on your face yesterday, like you were taking a peek inside him. And it essentially felt like you really did. As he got up from his seat grabbing his umbrella-filled backpack, Seung-Bin and Jin-Ha rose too.

“Don’t follow me, I’m going somewhere. Alone.” He gave them a look, don’t press me today.

After he left, Seung-Bin muttered to Jin-Ha, “the fuck’s wrong with him today?”

Jin-Ha just shrugged.

Kyung-Jun opened the nurse’s office door, glancing around the room to see if anyone else was there to witness what was about to come. Aside from the nurse who glanced up from her paperwork at her desk to look at him, he saw a figure occupying the last cot in the back. You were facing the wall, your back turned to him and he briskly walked over.

“Excuse me, are you not feel-” and one piercing look from Kyung-Jun sent her mouth into a fine line. Most of the faculty knew about him, “the delinquent”. She didn’t press any further, but as he reached your cot and was standing over you, she was still watching curiously. Kyung-Jun sighed loudly, grabbed the curtain hanging on a rod above the cot and pulled the rings across to cover him and you.

Kyung-Jun just watched you. You were sleeping, your mouth slightly open. Your vest laid next to you, you must have been feeling hot, feverish perhaps. He quietly and slowly unzipped his backpack, he suddenly felt this was a perfect opportunity to give you back your umbrella without having to bring up yesterday, despite the certain lingering he felt in his mind… and his heart. 

But as he placed the umbrella down, the hard and cool handle brushed against your thigh. You must not have been in a deep sleep either, because the sudden intrusion stirred you. You turned on your back, stretching a bit, slowly opening your squinted eyes.

She caught me. He looked down, but upon seeing your sudden movement causing your skirt to ride up pretty high, exposing your thighs, he turned his attention to the wall, finding it to be very intriguing. He felt his cheeks burn again. Idiot. It’s just thighs. “Her” thighs though…

She then looked down, seeing her state and adjusted her skirt. She noticed the infamous umbrella next to her then. “So, I take it you really don’t like polka dots then huh… did you end up getting a black one for yourself?” Your lips quirked up. He noticed your nose still red and slightly swollen. You had gotten sick because of him. Yeah it was your dumb actions that did so, but still because of him. He wondered again, Why had you done that for him, truly?

He composed himself, “No, I just don’t want your belongings, don’t wanna owe you anything.”

He noticed your expression faltered a bit, confusion striking your face. “You don’t owe me anything, I just saw you walking in the rain and well, I felt like shielding you from it.” You smiled a little now. “I did that because I wanted to, I wasn’t expecting anything back, not even my umbrella. I was even going to just get a new one figuring you’d keep it because you clearly didn’t have one.”

You were so honest, blunt. But in a way that he wondered if you even registered what you were saying to him. Did you even care if he decided to lash out at you? 

You felt like shielding him from it? So, protecting him from it? Did you think he was some small and helpless weak animal that couldn’t handle a bit of rain? He felt anger bubbling inside him now. He was right earlier, he didn’t like that you saw this vulnerability in him, this weakness that you felt you needed to concern yourself with. You weren’t his mother.

“Well I didn’t ask for that, and I don’t want your umbrella. Any umbrella for that matter.” He mentally face-palmed himself, he sounded so stupid, not like his usual domineering and aggressive tone. “So don’t do something like that ever again, or even bring it up or I’ll-I’ll” he stumbled over his words, thinking of something to come back with. “Or I’ll kill you… or something like that.” He mumbled the last part. He needed to get out of here, this was a bad idea. 

He looked off to the side, until he heard a breathy laugh, like you were trying to hold it in. He darted his eyes back to you, seeing your amused face. So now you think he’s a joke, unserious. Your face quickly morphed back to neutralism upon seeing the scowl on his face deepen, his eyebrows furrowing.

“I mean it.” He confirmed. “Stop aggravating me or I won’t stop Seung-Bin and Jin-Ha from wanting to harass you later.”

“But you always stop them. They, you never harass me.” You replied, your face softening.

Shit. So she has noticed me. Noticed I was practically singling her out from it all. Treating her differently than the others. Was that why she had done that, did she feel obligated to because I wasn’t outright mean to her or something? He didn’t know you, your inner thoughts and intentions were a mystery despite your expressive faces. He didn’t know if he could even trust them. He didn’t trust anyone. 

“If that’s why you did it,” he gestured to the umbrella, “don’t. Just because I happen to find your presence less annoying and irritating than others doesn’t mean you have to start doing nice things to repay me for it or something.” He ran his hand through his hair, he decided to not gel it today, making it easy to run his hand through now. “Because if you do things like that, then you will annoy and irritate me.” It wasn’t a lie. From quietly observing her to now practically going crazy over what she did was annoying him. You couldn’t have just remained unassuming!

He watched your face carefully, waiting to gauge your expression. And he suddenly felt his heat twinge, like in pain upon seeing the hurt cross your face. Well, that’s expected. Deserved even for what you've been making me feel. But seeing the hurt on your face didn’t really make him feel any better, didn’t suddenly gain clarity from it. Instead, he just felt more confused by everything.

“Honestly” you took a deep breath then, “I wanted to approach you because I have been wanting to be friends.” You suddenly raised your hands to cover your eyes and cheeks, releasing a small laugh. It was obvious you suddenly felt embarrassed.

Kyung-Jun shifted. He was taken back. Lost at words, really. He felt that similar feeling he felt yesterday. The high stone wall he had up that guarded him so fiercely fell down a row, letting what was hidden behind peek out a bit. 

“Friends… with me?” He laughed bitterly. “I think your sickness is messing with your head.” 

Your fingers spread out, showing your eyes now. “I just thought that we both don’t have many friends, we walk the same way home. It’d be easy to hangout… or something.” She dropped her hands, sighing. “I realize how this sounds, but I mean it. I just watch you sometimes in school and I don’t know, I want to be your friend.”

Kyung-Jun didn’t know how to feel, could barely process your words before he felt his usual anger boiling up and down inside him. 

“Why?” He heard his voice rise with that. “Do you feel sorry for me or something? Watching me and wanting to be friends with me because you pity me? Pity me because I’m a bully? Is that it?” He was getting increasingly accusatory, if he didn’t calm down the nurse who could surely hear all this would come and finally intervene. “I’m disappointed, honestly.” He whispered the last part so quietly, he didn’t know if you heard, didn’t care. “And I have friends by the way, I’m not some loner like Da-Bum.” He thought of his two “friends” in question. He really didn’t think of them as what one would call “true friends”. That’s because Kyung-Jun never had that. Never had a friend of that caliber to compare to. If Seung-Bin and Jin-Ha were the closest thing he had to a so-called friend, then maybe he didn’t even want any friends at all.

You pulled him out of his thoughts. Raising your eyebrow at his last remark. “I don’t pity you because you’re a bully, or whatever you think it is that I’m pitying you for. I don’t know how to prove my intentions to you, but I really just want to be friends. Does every person who asks you to be your friend you think they are pitying you?”

He scoffed at that. Come on. You weren’t that aloof, you knew nobody is asking to be his friend. Acting like he has a whole line of people out there. Now he just felt mocked. 

You seemed to look inside him again, reading his expression. Your eyes widening at what you had said. 

“Sorry.” You said, looking directly into his eyes. He wanted to look away, feeling exposed again but he had to hold his ground. “I understand how that sounds, I know your position in school… what I mean is, can you just try to see that I’m being genuine here?” No, it was actually quite hard for him to see that. She suddenly reached out, going for his hand, but stopped. Dropping it back at her side. 

Good he thought. He didn’t know how he’d react if she suddenly touched him, not only reaching out with her words, but now with her hands as well. “I promise you” and she stared fiercely into his eyes now, looking very determined. “I never pitied you. I really just want to be friends… I could use a friend too, you know?” Her expression turned somber a bit. He recalled how she isn’t really close to anyone in class. Maybe she struggles too. Maybe they had some similarities with not being able to connect and be close with others. Maybe, just maybe, she had her own demons inside akin to his. 

He released a long breath he didn’t realize he was holding, closing his eyes for a second.

Fuck it.

“We could try. I guess”. He tried to sound nonchalant. 

Her eyes instantly brightened at that. She jumped up from her position on the bed, standing up now in front of him. She was a whole head and more shorter than him, he noticed. He saw the excited expression completely covering her features. A wide and toothy grin. 

“I said I guess we could try being friends. Doesn’t mean we will” he clarified. 

“Yes, yes, of course. Try” she emphasized. 

Her smile was contagious. Or her sickness was. Because he suddenly couldn’t stop the corner of his lip from twitching upwards, threatening to curve into a grin, copying her. 

And so a routine started between them. Now conversing on their walks home together, side by side, from school. The large distance between them, both physically and emotionally, was closing in. Because after all, he owed it to her, to himself, to try. You had noticed something in him, and he had noticed something in you too.

[whatsonmymind03]

Ko Kyung-Jun x reader: I Love You

———————————————————————

It’s been seven months. Seven months was how long this thing between the two of you has been going on. Seven months may not seem like a long time, but when you’re busy peeling back the layers to one’s heart it can feel like you've been doing that for a very long time.

Seven months of this pushing and pulling between the two of you. You never give up in trying to pull at his heart strings and get him to open himself fully to you. You take what you get from him. Deciding when this all started to let him create the pace. Knowing fully well what would happen if you pushed him too hard. It was difficult having to walk on eggshells most days, but slowly you learned more about him and ever so slightly you began to see changes in him. The effort was paying off. It was a relationship of slow progression, but after the first month you already knew that you had loved him.

You knew he liked you, it was evident and he practically said so as much. And he knew that you liked him back. It was clear in the way you never gave up on him, even when he would ignore you for days. Coming to your doorstep waiting for the day you rightfully shut him out, but that day never came. It was almost like he acted like that on purpose, giving you an easy way out. But something kept drawing the two of you together, and it continued for those seven months.

But what he didn’t know was that you truly loved him. That you dearly loved the boy and wanted to continue learning about him, helping him to want to change on his own. And going at his own pace, following in his slow declaration of acceptance and feelings was fine at first. But now that the love for him was consuming you, your patience was wearing thin. You knew a confession like that from you was bound to have the two of you taking steps backwards, that it wouldn’t be easy at all. You figured he would shut you out, probably yell and get angry, but you hoped that after some time he would come back to you. Letting you run your fingers through his hair and massage his scalp which he let you do on occasion. 

Which led you to today. You didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, making it even worse for him to accept. You wanted to be casual about it, while also ensuring that today would be a day he was in a good mood. And for Kyung-Jun to be in a good mood took a few factors: he didn’t throw any punches at school, his bullying was at a low for the day, he didn’t have an altercation with Hyun-Ho, he didn’t mention anything bad about his home, and he wasn’t more agitated than usual to you because of those factors. And today was one of those days. Which was proof to you that he was changing, and you knew you were part of that reason. He did too.

He was even feeling touchy today. The two of you were practically cuddling on top of your bed as you watched television. It was one of those rare days he let your hand run through his hair, scratching his scalp. And you knew that he relished in the moment as his usual stiffness and tension began to dwindle, letting himself relax into your touch. 

And then suddenly the words just tumbled out of your mouth. You always have been impatient in nature. When you wanted something, you often forgot to fully and logically think through things. Which would’ve been helpful today, knowing Kyung-Jun similarly ran on his emotions, namely negative ones.

“I don’t just like you, Kyung-Jun, I think I’m falling in love with you.” It just spilled out. One sentence is not nearly enough to convey the overwhelming feelings you had for him, but it would do for now. It’s been seven months after all. 

It was like the T.V. suddenly shut off, or the Earth stopped rotating because you felt his breathing stop and so did yours. You couldn’t feel his breath on your neck anymore from where he was laying, and you even felt his chest against your arm stop rising. And then you added to the growing fire inside him by softly speaking, nearly mumbling,

“…I mean I don’t think. I know that I love you.”

And that was all it took for the dam inside him to break. No extinguisher to take out the flames. 

He suddenly sat up. Eyes still glued on the television, practically burning through it. You expected what was to come…

“You can’t.” He simply stated. Finally turning to look at you, he was breathing heavily now like he was about to burst. And yet, his expression wasn’t necessarily angry, it was a mixture of… fear? Sadness? Defeat? You could’ve sworn his eyes looked a bit glassy.

So maybe you weren’t expecting what was to come. Because you hadn’t expected him to look so… hurt. You wanted to suddenly hold him and tell him he deserved this. He deserved your love and he deserved to love. 

You reach out a hand as you start to sit up and he swipes it away. Well that you did expect.

And as usual he gets up, grabbing his things and heads for the door. But before he leaves the bedroom door frame completely, you desperately reach out to him with your words, trying to ground him.

“You matter. Let me be the one to prove that to you. I-I want you, all of you. The good and the-“ And you suddenly stop. He turns his body slightly around to look at you. Your heart nearly breaks at the new expression of emptiness on his face. Loss of usual furrowed eyebrows, his lips neither turned up nor down, and then his eyes… 

It was almost like he was urging you, pleading with you to finish that sentence. Say that he had “bad” aspects to him and make it easier on both of you to walk away. It was so much more than him being labeled as “bad” because you knew he wasn’t bad inside. He was buried by his insecurities and unresolved traumas, losing himself in the process.

“It’s just good.” You state. “I know you’re just good. It’s deep in here” and you bring up your hand to pat at your heart for emphasis. 

He starts to open and close his mouth, unsure what the right insult or negativity he can use to throw at you to make you see this uphill battle of loving him wasn’t worth it. 

You thought you were mentally prepared for it, an “I hate you” or a “Stay away from me!” but instead he says,

“You disgust me.”

And what made it worse was that lack of anger and aggression. That you can deal with, knowing it could die down. Instead it was the emptiness, the seriousness of it. Like the very thought of someone loving him was disgusting to him. You felt your throat tighten and the tears start to well in your eyes. It wasn’t just because of what he said to you, but rather the fact that this teenage boy just felt so incapable of being loved. 

The front door slams shut. You can still smell his lingering cologne as you lay down and let the tears out. 

What’s another seven months? 

[whatsonmymind03]

Ko Kyung-Jun x reader: Tomorrow

———————————————————————

You heard a knock at your front door. Sitting up from your position on the couch, you went to open it fully knowing who would be at your doorsteps. Him.

You open it without asking who it was, finding him standing there with open wounds on his face. A bloody lip and nose, furrowed eyebrows, and you glance down at his hands suddenly. Specifically his bloody knuckles. You open the door fully now, turning around and already heading to the bathroom. Closing the door behind him, he follows you silently. You’re rummaging through the cabinets knowing what you need to find and he plops himself on the toilet seat, arms hanging loosely between his legs and his face bent downwards, his once gelled back hair hanging messily and shielding his expression. 

You stand in front of him and reach out, gently pulling his chin up. Putting whatever strands of hair that can stay behind his ear away from his face so you can do your work. He lets you clean and bandage his wounds silently. He watches you, but every time you make eye contact with him he glances at the wall. Although, his eyebrows are still furrowed and his eyes seem as if a million different thoughts are passing through them. You toss the garbage in the small trash can when you’re done and go to your room which is next door. 

You don’t know if he will follow you, he might just leave as he sometimes does. This is a daily routine of silently pushing him to confront his feelings, whether he closes the gap between you a bit more and takes a step forward, or hurries out and takes two steps back on the progress you made.

You already knew what happened, leaving school during the midst of it. Being not surprised by his actions, but still finding yourself disappointed. Him and Hyun-Ho were throwing punches after the latter confronted him about his behavior today towards Da-Baum. 

He caught your eyes as you left the crowd of people gathered. You didn’t have to silently convey anything with your expression, he knew you would be disappointed, but that didn’t stop him from fighting him or seeking you out afterwards too.

Your back is facing the door, the T.V. playing a cartoon on low volume. Your eyes are closed but you're not trying to fall asleep, just waiting to hear either the front door close to signal his leave or the bed to dip beside you. It’s the latter, and you feel his presence next to you, but today isn’t a day where he closes the distance between you. There are some days where he allows himself to be embraced by you. But today he stays still on the other side of your queen sized bed, body facing the ceiling and his hands behind his head and eyes closed. He’s trying to appear nonchalant, but you knew he was far from it. You’re turned facing him, just watching. 

“Why do you do the things that you do?” You softly ask. Not in an accusatory way. Or demanding or aggressive. You’re simply curious. Although, over the past few months of slowly getting to know the boy, you were able to piece together some stuff to explain his actions in your head from the little bits of his heart that he’s allowed open to you. 

You didn’t expect an answer, so your eyes widen a bit when you hear his soft reply. Eyes still closed as he surprisingly softly answers back, no hint of his usual aggressiveness.

“I don’t know.” Kyung-Jun replies.

And that’s the only words spoken between the two of you. Watching him till it’s evident by his breathing he’s fallen asleep, and then you follow suit, falling asleep to the growing mumbles of voices from the television. 

When you wake up a few hours later, you’re facing the wall again. The sun has almost completely set. You don’t need to turn around to see if he’s there, because you know he isn’t. But you do so anyway, hoping today would be different. 

Of course it isn’t. You’re naive to think it would be any different than the day before. 

You see that his notorious green jacket is left in place of him on the bed. Something he sometimes does. Like a silent reminder that he’ll be back again. Or that he appreciates you. Or that he’s sorry. Or that he’s not giving up. It could mean everything or nothing, you’re never sure.

And just like the day before, it doesn’t make your love for the boy any less. As each day goes by, you just feel an increasing curiosity for the boy, an urge to look inside him and hold the small crying child inside desperately asking for someone to see through his actions and listen. 

Maybe tomorrow will be different.

[whatsonmymind03]

Ko Kyung-Jun x reader: Umbrella

———————————————————————

It’s absolutely pouring out as you leave the school building. Rain rapidly falls down in pellets, wetting you a bit before you can fully open your black and white polka dotted umbrella. You’re squinting through the thick rain, hearing splashes from the footsteps of students rushing to get home or catch the bus. You lived about a ten minute walking distance from school and began your uncomfortable wet trek home. Your zip up hoodie is not enough to shield you from the cold going through you. After about half way home, you see a figure some ways ahead casually walking in the rain. No umbrella and not even a hood. What struck you the most was how casually he appeared. Hands in his pockets and hair seemingly plastered to his head from the rain and just simply walking. Not even a jog to get home. You start picking up your pace a bit, curious to how they don’t seem to care that they will most certainly catch a bad cold from their endeavor, and you suddenly stop. A splash emits below you from your sudden stop as you see more clearly that infamous green windbreaker.

Ko Kyung-Jun.

And it wasn’t the first time you’ve seen him walking home from school. You weren’t sure where exactly he lived, but on several occasions you would spot him walking home, sometimes with his little gang. He seemed to live a bit further than you as you would turn down a side street where as he would keep going. You rarely interact with him. Both in school and on your walks home. You would usually try to walk a great distance behind him and his gang, trying to be discreet, but on some occasions where you left school first you would be in their view on their way home. Kim Jin-Ha and Shin Seung-Bin would sometimes yell out to you, trying to pick on you or start an altercation, but oddly enough it never escalated to anything as you would hear Ko Kyung-Jun slap them on their heads and tell them to knock it off. You never knew what you did to warrant a pass from bullying from the Ko Kyung-Jun, but you let your curiosity of the boy simmer and remained in your place. Although now you were quite curious about him.

Kyung-Jun stopped in his tracks a few feet ahead after hearing the splash and turned around. You slowly looked up to meet his eyes and noticed an odd expression. He didn’t really seem angry, which he always seemed. Or pissed off which he always seemed. He did look a bit annoyed though, which he also always seemed. But, this time he also looked… defeated? You suddenly felt some sort of tug on your heart. He didn’t seem okay, who casually walks uncovered in a rainstorm? His eyebrows pinched together. Ah, there’s that pissed off expression brewing. Before he could even say anything, which probably would’ve been to tell you to fuck off, you ran up to him.

Stopping a bit in front of him, he took a step back looking down at you, now just confused as to why you would even think to go near him, and then you suddenly jerk the umbrella upwards so it was mainly covering his head. You felt the rain hit you hard on the part of your head and body that wasn’t being covered by the umbrella.

“Here.” You thrusted the umbrella a bit more for emphasis. “Use this. You’re completely drenched. Don’t you know you’re going to get sick uncovered in this rain?” You felt uncomfortable now from said rain, but the next street was the one you turned down, you’d be able to run the rest home without the umbrella. He still had some ways to go.

He’s now looking at you like you’re crazy, and maybe you are. He shoves your hand away, having to duck a bit under the umbrella to get out of it due to his tall frame.

“I don’t want your fucking umbrella or your concern. You’re not my mother.” He scoffed and began turning around.

“Why? Is it because it’s polka dotted?” You honestly were asking, considering he would be the type to make a comment on it.

He glanced up at it now, not realizing the pattern before. He scoffed again, feeling a bit amused by your question. “Yeah, if you’re so concerned I’m going to get sick, go get me a plain black one then.” He smirked down at you, the rain having now completely stuck some hairs to his face, covering his eyes a bit.

You frowned a bit at his remark and went to get beside him, reaching the umbrella up once more. “You just seem pretty cold… and soaked. I know that’s an uncomfortable feeling for anybody.” Your expression never wavered as the two of you stared at each other. You didn’t really know what came over you, but a part of you felt bad for Kyung-Jun. There had to be a reason for his actions and bad reputation. A kindness deep inside him begging to be released. And maybe there was a small part of you that also found him very attractive…

“Take it. And you can give it back to me tomorrow at school.” His eyebrow raised at the command, “or don’t…” You faltered a bit at his intense stare. “You can keep it if you do happen to secretly like polka dots.” You stuck out your tongue at him playfully on impulse, dropping the umbrella and completely getting out from under it. You just teased and stuck your tongue out at Ko Kyung-Jun. You suddenly felt embarrassed, you were definitely going to get it. He caught the umbrella on reflex and watched you start to jog away, instantly getting soaked. He stared up at the polka dots and reluctantly put it above his head. As you jogged off, he noticed something before you turned down your street. It only took him a few of his long strides to catch up to you. He reached out to grab the unused hood from your zip up and roughly pulled it up over your head. You suddenly turned around surprised, putting your hand to your now covered head. You totally forgot you had a hood.

“Idiot. Don’t you know you’re going to get sick uncovered in this rain?” Mimicking, or mocking your words from earlier, he smirked at you as he started walking ahead. Before turning around, he suddenly felt a giddy feeling wash over him. His smirk dropped and was replaced with a poke of his tongue, so fast if you blinked at that exact moment you would’ve missed it. You stared at him in disbelief over his behavior. He continued on ahead with his polka dot umbrella, feeling his mood a bit lightened. He’s the real idiot, doesn’t he have his own hood he didn’t use either? As you continued on towards your house, you couldn’t help but feel more curious about Kyung-Jun, like you wanted to open him up and peer inside, while also feeling your heart speed up and suddenly your cheeks feel very hot…