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This continues to be a top contender for favorite tweet

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i was jumanji’d too when i was a kid but no one cared

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santa's elves can only exist in a world where toys are made of cloth and wood, in my mind. they're still up there making wooden cars and rocking horses and teddy bears and then santa loads them all in his sack and they magically transform into plastic action figures in clamshell packaging and an Xbox 360 and no one worries about it.

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When people say “there’s nothing worse than hearing about a dream someone had” they actually mean D&D campaign instead of dream.

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Always been confused about the marketing of this as “empowering female friendship” and not “Your Problematic Rich BFF is a MAGA sycophant”???

Glinda really had an entire musical number expounding on the theme of "success in life is not about being highly qualified or even competent, but manipulating people's superficial perception of you." and then she went into POLITICS. truly the #girlboss representation the world has earned

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Here are the types of backgrounds you can choose from when you post a dick pic on a Sniffies/Grindr profile:

1) Sparse living room filled with office waiting room sofas. The room has large windows, concrete floors, and exposed ductwork. This is a “gentrified” building. The room is decorated either like a TJ Maxxinista showroom with faux fur throws and brass statuettes/millenial geometric rugs OR Fro-Yo/Bubble Tea Shop royalty free artwork.

2) Hoarded bed room. The bed is wrought iron and oak (often sled shaped) either inherited from parents or purchased from the show floor of Value City (with matching dressers and double-wide mirrored vanity). The side tables are black manufactured wood with silver legs ($20 Walmart) and every surface is covered in lotions and ointments, tissues, Funko Pops, vapes, laundry in plastic baskets, oil diffusers and air fresheners. The wall art is from Kohls with a sort of Tuscan flair: reds, golds, maroons collaged with damask patterns. The room is carpeted in beige.

3) A bathroom from the 1930s that hasn’t been cleaned in equally as long. The shower door is frosted glass and the sink isn’t big enough for one person let alone all the shaving supplies plugged into the outlet next to the dirty mirror. Towels inherited from the nursing home. Stains and mold spores that make you wonder how they ever get clean, let alone feel sexy enough to photograph themselves and make this their first impression.

4) “Mom’s House” guest bathroom. The walls are wallpapered in 1990s stripes & florals with a clashing border 3/4 up the wall. Kohl’s Tuscan-style artwork makes a return, this time in motifs of clawfoot baths and scrolling italicized fonts. There are shadow box frames of dried flowers and an oak towel rack with stacks of decorative hand towels that aren’t functional for drying, and have probably been a permanent fixture in the decor for decades. You know theres a matching furry rug set on the floor and wrapping around the toilet.

5) Crotch shot POV in drivers seat of car after gym. You can’t tell if the logo on the steering wheel is meant to be a flex. Alternatively, with work boots and jeans that might be saying “im a trucker on the road” or “Im just a non-fancy working man who probably isn’t going to shower before meeting up because I only get on the app when I’m running errands.”

Please feel free to add your own observations— these may be regional observations (Northern, Midwestern, East Coast).

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Gobble gobble, Turkey Thots 🦃🦃🦃🍗🍗🍗💯

Hope today you’re holding space for GRAVY 🍲 (and maybe something to stuff 👀). Don’t forget: Pumpkin spice might be basic, but you’re anything but. 🎃✨

May your day be full of:

• Buttered rolls 🥖 (and maybe some buttered souls, too).

• Hot thighs 🍗🔥 (turkey or otherwise, no judgment).

• Extra helpings 🥧 (because we’re ALL about seconds, amirite?)

And if you ain’t sharing memes or leftovers, you’re CANCELLED like a preheated oven with no turkey in sight. 💅

Pass this on to 5 other Turkey Thots to secure a plate full of good vibes, gravy boats, and drama-free family convos today. If you don’t, you’ll be haunted by the spirit of dry turkey for 13 years.

Stay saucy, stay stuffed, stay grateful. 🦃🍷❤️

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Tonight I put “take mushrooms and see Shen Yun” on my bucket list.

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How do you describe your artistic impulse?

Mine is that I feel a core responsibility to contribute to human culture by leaving cool, thoughtful, and insightful things behind. To share my understanding and interpretation of what I’ve learned about being a human with future humans.

I’m genuinely driven by the need to be archived. I want my existence to be a riddle that’s purposefully solved.

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Theme songs that slap: part infinity

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Pay me $3mil for this idea: Oreos but the cookies are Chips Ahoy. Not chips ahoy flavored cream, not Little Debbie Oatmeal Pie crème between two Chips Ahoy, normal Oreo crème with Oreo-sized Chips Ahoy.

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Enough analysis- we all get it. What are the solutions?

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“don🦍t believe anything your brain tells you after 9 pm” wrong. the prime time for decision making is when you🦍re sleep deprived

^example of what life would be like if we used gorillas instead of apostrophes

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If you swim through the middle you get a red coin and your air meter refills