whataboutdom

[whataboutdom]

Hello Stranger, I'm Sorry

You saw me in ways I never saw myself. All the masks I didn't know I was wearing. The softest place to ever land, I couldn't appreciate the love you had to give me then, but I do now. Staying with you would have meant staying here, I knew I would hurt you more. I saw the dreams we had but it wasn't you and I. I regret how I made you feel, I hope I never made you feel strung along.

There's something to say when you see people as a star, you want to watch the shine, whether near or far. Your light was too bright for me at that time, blinded for the moments.

You gave me love I will forever cherish, but you've moved on and I know thats for the best. Thank you for being a chapter in my life, the light in the darkness, that kept me alive.

You deserve someone to show up for you all the time, I hope she's everything you craved and desired. That she lets you in, and sees your worth.

Sweet love, keep shining. You are divine.

[whataboutdom]

Valentine's Day Eve

Be sure to press play.

This story is written like I talk and honestly hurts to even type. There are pieces missing and these are the things that are currently going through my mind.

Here I am waiting to count down until Valentine's day, a historically terrible day for me over the years.

In recent years, testing positive for COVID, while my partner at the time was on a trip with some friends in Kenya.

This year its not just the 3 years since COVID knocked me down, its one whole year since you told me to leave on the morning of Valentine's Day.

The evening before I was so excited to spend the whole next day with you. I had gone to a produce stand and used the last of the cash that I had to get some veggies for us for the week since cash was tight. I spent the afternoon/evening making fresh juice, and an garlic onion orzo soup for us to eat that night or the next day. I even made sure to clean up the kitchen before I settled down for the evening, but I was SO incredibly proud of the things that I was able to accomplish that day.

I don't know when you stopped eating the food I prepared for us. I had just finished cooking when you woke up from your nap and told me you were going to spend the evening with friends/coworkers at the bar we met at, and the to the usual friends place after close. I mentioned I had made up soup if you were hungry and that I was so proud. I would love for you to try it. You declined. I mentioned your family wanted to get together with us, and if it was okay for me to go alone. You seemed annoyed that I was asking, but I had became so sensitive I didnt want to do anything that might upset you. You told me of course, finished your blunt and took my car for the evening.

I don't remember how late I stayed up that night, but I remember waking up the next morning excited for you to come home. But when you got home you didnt seem like yourself. I was so excited to have juice shots that I made the evening prior. You declined and it hurt, I was just trying to take care of you. I had been feeling like we weren't actually communicating, so I asked if we could connect for 8 minutes a day. You say no, that you were done. I wasn't trying hard enough. You wanted me to leave. I asked if you were sure, and I said I would be out by the end of the month..

Then I sat by myself all day, trying to regulate my emotions. Hoping to not do something erratic. You hadn't known how I used to handle rejection, and it was not taken well at all. I had been explosive in the past few months, since going on medical leave. I dropped the ball in a lot of ways and when I thought I was getting a handle on things more stress would hit. I would become a version of myself I didn't recognize. Sure there were moments when It was great, but we were not the best versions of ourselves. I didnt eat until my dad offered to buy me dinner, and even having to go upstairs while our roommate was home and had company over, sent me over the edge I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. Their comments about how they didnt hear me or know I was home was met with a shitty tone of well Im here. It frustrated me because I was just like ive been in the basement, where no one has talked to me checked on me in this house. I was so concerned about something happening to me and no one noticing for days.

So here we are a year later.. its officially Valentine's Day.

I didn't think I could make it through the heartbreak that was last year. I didn't think I could make it through the chronic fatigue, the post exertion malaise, depersonalization, derealization, constant sleepiness, brain fog, confusion, and all the other plethora of symptoms that were keeping me bedridden.

We were always eating out, now I mostly eat at home.

We were always drinking soda and snacking, now I drink maybe one a week and only have the occasional snack outside of my meals.

We went out to see movies all the time at the theater, in the last year I've been to only 2.

We used to go for drinks and eat edibles, I've been sober for a year and rarely smoke weed.

We would spend hours watching things you wanted that I was caught up on all the marvel movies and series, I've hardly opened youtube and I only watch the things that make me happy.

We were always buying something for one another, now I don't care about physical objects as much as I care about quality time, showing up, and following through.

I'm finally back to the weight I was when you met me, and I can't wait until Im able to be physical enough to be able to work out again.

You didn't want me or worry about me, so now I will want and worry about myself again.

You only liked the masked version of me and when I tried to tell you who I really was you didn't listen.

I'm not a victim, I'm not a hero, I might be a villain. I haven't been perfect. I'm human and I know what mistakes I don't want to make again.

One day, I'll have the Valentine's Day that I deserve.

[whataboutdom]

The Holidays

Growing up with no extended family nearby, I grew up knowing that family can be the friends you keep. And tradition can be ever evolving.

Then suddenly I had this other person that I wanted to spend all my holidays with, I hoped to create traditions together.

We had one semi normal holiday season before the pandemic hit and everything changed so drastically.

It felt like I stopped doing most of my traditions, because I wanted to create with you. Yet, I was left waiting for you to want to spend time with me.

From this all, I understand the relationship I'm looking to build. Someone who wants to compromise to make sure that we are both fulfilled. But we make sure to slow down and spend time together.

Whoever I love next, Let's build our traditions together, connect, and compromise.

[whataboutdom]

Before You

Before I met you, I looked for love in any person that I met. I would fantasize about intricate futures that could be had. Anywhere I went was an opportunity to finally find "the one."

I didn't respect the boundaries of others relationships, this was a bad habit that I picked up in high school. In my mind he was mine first, and if I could get him to cheat with me, that gave me hope he could want me later. I didn't care about the damage I could cause and while I never drank or did drugs, it was my first addiction.

This eagerness followed me into college, though I wasn't actually dating, the people I was most interested in were rarely the ones looking to commit. Having survived the chaos that was my parents divorce, I couldn't admit how the idea of someone actually wanting to spend their life with me terrified me.

With you, there was no feeling of pressure. You didn't overwhelm me with you interest. You had your own interests and gave me plenty of space to follow my own interests. You allowed me time with my own friends and travels. You weren't seemingly overbearing or jealous and the way our mutual friends would tell me how much you cared about me, made me feel supported in ways I had never felt before. I felt community unlike any other.

When the pandemic hit, I was exhausted and tired of showing up for others in ways that I refused to show up for myself. I finally started prioritizing my health, I was fearful of getting sick and the repercussions that could follow. I wanted to build our partnership, and as I slowly burnt out, I had little energy outside of my work day to do much else. I was constantly looking for new jobs so I could get paid more and find some relief from the debt I had built. After my aunt's sudden death and covid finally getting me, I returned to work desperate to find a way out. But my days off were spent sick and exhausted. I was having trouble managing my time and was using all of my sick days and PTO in ways that kept me from actually being able to enjoy the benefits that I had at the time. It took 8 months to get my diagnosis of Long Covid.

I kept pushing forward for 6 more months, until I had to let my body rest. Even then, I craved connection through music and concerts. The aftermath would leave me exhausted for days where I was unable to move. I didn't want to let you down, but taking time away from work was the only way I felt I could focus on my health and be more present for us both.

Except you stopped blocking out time for me. I started to put down my phone and tuned in, and you were distracted. Phone was in hand. In those moments we started to disconnect. Unless there was a movie, you didn't really see me.

Now I'm sober, the fog is starting to clear. Im regaining my strength back and you won't be here.

I miss my best friend, thats the worst part.

I'm glad I'm not the me I was before you anymore. You may never know the me after you.

[whataboutdom]

What about Dom?

A question that if asked seems to rarely makes its way to me.

I battle that myself as I've created the Jekyll to my Hyde, a version of myself that seems quite well adjusted and always knows whats right. Im approaching towards one year of sobriety, clearing my head, and understanding myself. In combination to breaking down the mask that I had held for so long, I look in the mirror with no face on and I struggle with how to exist. The stepford wife version of myself made sure things were to always appear neat and tidy. She crumbled and my body stopped performing the way it used to.

No one tells you what its like when your mask drops, your body dead weights you, and your mind becomes so distorted. Your systems may keep you afloat for a while, but when things start breaking down the repairs you need are no longer anything in your repertoire. The software is no longer able to take updates, and the parts once previously used are officially obsolete. Until in time, you stop being able to function in any capacity.

Between chronic illness, a long term relationship ending, and moving back in with my parents (something that was almost unimaginable to me), Im honored to have the clarity that I have right now. Im not sure where my future may go, as well as this page. Im looking forward to the hope and creativity its future may hold.

-Dom