whataboutdom

[whataboutdom]

The Holidays

Growing up with no extended family nearby, I grew up knowing that family can be the friends you keep. And tradition can be ever evolving.

Then suddenly I had this other person that I wanted to spend all my holidays with, I hoped to create traditions together.

We had one semi normal holiday season before the pandemic hit and everything changed so drastically.

It felt like I stopped doing most of my traditions, because I wanted to create with you. Yet, I was left waiting for you to want to spend time with me.

From this all, I understand the relationship I'm looking to build. Someone who wants to compromise to make sure that we are both fulfilled. But we make sure to slow down and spend time together.

Whoever I love next, Let's build our traditions together, connect, and compromise.

[whataboutdom]

Before You

Before I met you, I looked for love in any person that I met. I would fantasize about intricate futures that could be had. Anywhere I went was an opportunity to finally find "the one."

I didn't respect the boundaries of others relationships, this was a bad habit that I picked up in high school. In my mind he was mine first, and if I could get him to cheat with me, that gave me hope he could want me later. I didn't care about the damage I could cause and while I never drank or did drugs, it was my first addiction.

This eagerness followed me into college, though I wasn't actually dating, the people I was most interested in were rarely the ones looking to commit. Having survived the chaos that was my parents divorce, I couldn't admit how the idea of someone actually wanting to spend their life with me terrified me.

With you, there was no feeling of pressure. You didn't overwhelm me with you interest. You had your own interests and gave me plenty of space to follow my own interests. You allowed me time with my own friends and travels. You weren't seemingly overbearing or jealous and the way our mutual friends would tell me how much you cared about me, made me feel supported in ways I had never felt before. I felt community unlike any other.

When the pandemic hit, I was exhausted and tired of showing up for others in ways that I refused to show up for myself. I finally started prioritizing my health, I was fearful of getting sick and the repercussions that could follow. I wanted to build our partnership, and as I slowly burnt out, I had little energy outside of my work day to do much else. I was constantly looking for new jobs so I could get paid more and find some relief from the debt I had built. After my aunt's sudden death and covid finally getting me, I returned to work desperate to find a way out. But my days off were spent sick and exhausted. I was having trouble managing my time and was using all of my sick days and PTO in ways that kept me from actually being able to enjoy the benefits that I had at the time. It took 8 months to get my diagnosis of Long Covid.

I kept pushing forward for 6 more months, until I had to let my body rest. Even then, I craved connection through music and concerts. The aftermath would leave me exhausted for days where I was unable to move. I didn't want to let you down, but taking time away from work was the only way I felt I could focus on my health and be more present for us both.

Except you stopped blocking out time for me. I started to put down my phone and tuned in, and you were distracted. Phone was in hand. In those moments we started to disconnect. Unless there was a movie, you didn't really see me.

Now I'm sober, the fog is starting to clear. Im regaining my strength back and you won't be here.

I miss my best friend, thats the worst part.

I'm glad I'm not the me I was before you anymore. You may never know the me after you.

[whataboutdom]

What about Dom?

A question that if asked seems to rarely makes its way to me.

I battle that myself as I've created the Jekyll to my Hyde, a version of myself that seems quite well adjusted and always knows whats right. Im approaching towards one year of sobriety, clearing my head, and understanding myself. In combination to breaking down the mask that I had held for so long, I look in the mirror with no face on and I struggle with how to exist. The stepford wife version of myself made sure things were to always appear neat and tidy. She crumbled and my body stopped performing the way it used to.

No one tells you what its like when your mask drops, your body dead weights you, and your mind becomes so distorted. Your systems may keep you afloat for a while, but when things start breaking down the repairs you need are no longer anything in your repertoire. The software is no longer able to take updates, and the parts once previously used are officially obsolete. Until in time, you stop being able to function in any capacity.

Between chronic illness, a long term relationship ending, and moving back in with my parents (something that was almost unimaginable to me), Im honored to have the clarity that I have right now. Im not sure where my future may go, as well as this page. Im looking forward to the hope and creativity its future may hold.

-Dom