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Cheesy Ways to Fall in Love

The Best Option

1. You are walking down a street and literally bump into them, because it’s raining and you are looking at the ground. You have an awkward but also amazing moment  where you  look up and realize you are incredibly attracted to each other. You don’t even have to say anything, you just start making out. 

2. Coffee Shop

 This would be one of those glance up, lock eyes, glance down. Repeat 10 times until he comes over and says, hey this might be weird but do you want to grab a drink after you are done? You are so overwhelmed by the courage, you say yes right away. People look better in coffee shops. 

3. Airplane

On an airplane. He would notice what book you are reading, say hi, and tell you he just read it. This would force you to realize how much you have in common as fast as you can because you know the flight will end eventually. Potential for some hot airplane sex if the attendants aren’t paying attention. 

4. Neighbor 

He’s been your neighbor for a few months- and suddenly one night you happen to be getting your mail at the same time. This initial connection from awkward forced casual conversation spurs both of you to seek each other out in the least obvious ways. You check your mailbox 10+ times a day in the hopes of meeting him there. Once you finally express your feelings- its very convenient cause both beds are right upstairs. 

5. Online. 

Has some really cute pictures. Asks you a lot of questions. Doesn’t mention anything about sex. Suggests casual date like coffee. 

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Every Brilliant Thing

Coffee in the morning 

Warm evenings 

Being sweaty when it’s dark out

Sun rising at the airport

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk

A warm newspaper after its been left on the porch

Clean toilets

Long matches

Bananas (when you peel it and know it will be perfect).

Old men on busy street corners

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Shoot two birds with one stone.

Why is it a good thing to shoot two birds with one stone? Shoot any more and it would be a bird massacre. Don’t try and shoot more than two birds.

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Animals, as they pass through the landscape, leave their tracks behind. Stories are the tracks we leave.

Salman Rushdie

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How to Hang out With Your Friends Without Your Friends

(a guide to modern world friendships)

Sometimes friends have different schedules than you. This is more common today than it has ever been because people do so much that windows of free time don’t match up as often as you want. But you still have the same interests as your friends and want to do the same things. So here’s an idea, if you can’t actually make the timing work, just hang out with their space. 

Example of Hanging out with your Friend’s Space

(Hike is the example) 

Step 1: Determine the location. Choose a location that equal-distant from all parties involved so commuting time is fair and reasonable. 

Step 2: Plan what snacks you are going to bring. For this to be successful, it is important for everyone to be okay with the snacks chosen and to be equally excited about them. If person 1 doesn’t like yogurt covered pretzels, choose Barbara’s Cheese Puffs so everyone is happy. Share snack list with group. 

Step 3: Choose what podcast you will listen to on the way there. Make sure no one has heard it before. Best way to avoid this is to choose one that is recently released. 

Step 4: Choose which fast food spot you will stop at on the way back. (Hint: In-n-out or Chipotle are generally crowd pleasers). 

Step 5: Choose when you will be going on this hike. 

Step 6: Drive to hiking location while listening to assigned podcast, hike, eat snacks, hike, drive, stop at assigned fast food location, drive home. 

Step 7: As soon as everyone else has had a chance to do the hike, eat the snacks, etc, share and talk about it on social media. You were pretty much there together. 

(Helps if you set a one week time frame for everyone to “hang out” so it doesn’t become irrelevant) 

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Diary of a Wimpy Chef

What Industry People Think About Other People: 

There’s this sense in the industry that industry people are inherently better than everyone else in the world. I mean we actually believe that everyone else in the world kinda sucks. Their careers are means for useless ends and their livelihoods are boring routines filled with adulting trivial dramas. Watching a parade of giddy holloweeners walk past as we are taking the trash out really solidifies this superstition that the rest of the world is garbage. The weaving walking, loud giggles, shouts about a forgotten phone at the last bar, it all disgusts us, and makes us feel even more separate from the rest of the world, which in turn just makes us hate it more. 

The End of the 8 hour workday: 

“We’ve been here for 8 hours and now we just have another 8 hours to go, like normal people would already be done. We are just getting started.” 

“I’ve been here since 7a.m.” says the pastry chef to everyone at 1am. 

“Why does he get here so early?” (says everyone else behind his back). 

“If you can’t get it done, you should probably get here earlier.” (Chef to a line cook)

“I don’t understand why you’re here early, you should be able to get everything done.” (Same chef to same line cook). 

“Was just about to send out a search party!” (Pastry chef to line cook who shows up 10 minutes before their shift starts instead of the expected 2 hours before).

Once you make it big- we hate you! 

In every single kitchen I’ve worked for, gossip and blame run rampant. But this is more true about the chefs who have somewhat “made it.” So after 10-15 years of working inescapably long hours and scrubbing floors on your hands and knees, once you “make it” aka travel for cooking competitions, gain several Michelin stars, start being able to go on vacation for the first time in your career, suddenly anyone and everyone who works for you hates you. They say your lazy and not really involved ( oh sorry but any past work just doesn’t count). Since the industry runs on such a one day at a time clock, work well done in the past means nothing, today is the only day that matters. The countless times I’ve heard every “great” chef be ridiculed and criticized for every human trait they possess truly showed the massive insecurity that is so apparent in the kitchen. 

What Cooks do on their days off:

“Slept”

“Slept a lot”

“Slept all day and then went to dinner at Cotogna”

“Lay in bed for most of the day, was going to go to Berkeley, but ended up just falling asleep again”

“Did laundry, cleaned my apartment a little, and then slept some more”

How to hold back tears: 

Focus on the corners of your mouth. This takes away pressure from your eyes, and gives you a serious not sad face. People won’t notice the few tears that escape down your cheeks.

Pretend its really steamy and you are reacting to the heat. 

Pretend you got something in your eye. This one attracts attention that might backfire. 

Drink water. You can kind of close your eyes while you do this so to trap in escaping tears. 

Walk home in the rain: this doesn’t help holding back the tears, but you can cry all you want and no one notices or cares. 

Typical Servers:

Type A: usually mildly aggressive and somewhat competent at their jobs. Likes to boss others around and declare emergencies in the smallest of situations. Becomes very very concerned when spots someone else doing something wrong. 

Mopey: usually wears an assortment of darker makeups, hair dyes, or colors. Melodramatic. Melancholic. Tends to only complain whenever you come and say hello or whats up. Moves a little too slowly for it to not be on purpose.  

Super Sweet: Hasn’t been tainted by the industry yet. Usually younger and just there to support a failing career in opera singing, photography, art or the like. Is very considerate of other peoples feelings. It an anomaly in the industry. Can’t believe how many hours people work. Great person to talk to if you’re having a terrible day. 

Wino: Super into wine. Any question about wine send them into a whirwind of explaining and trying to make points. They can’t wait to share their knowledge with anyone who will listen. Their instagram is closeups of different wine bottles. 

Reactions from non-industry people when they find out I’m industry: 

“Wait why do you get there at 10 if you don’t open till 5?”

“What takes so long?”

“Do you hate cooking at home?”

“OOh have you read Kitchen Confidential?”

“Oh my god that’s so cool.”  (end of conversation) 

“So is it just like chef’s table?”

How to Eat Delicacies 

Foie Gras

Any and all extra foie gras, like if there was a private dining group that didn’t finish a lobe. Stuff fistfuls of brioche smothered in as much foie as you can fit in your mouth in the five second window before guests come around the corner. 

Sea Urchin

Saturday night wasn’t too busy? Urchin won’t last until Tuesday. Lap up those tongues, washing down the night with the ocean. 

Trout Roe

Another post private dining event, eat it all by the spoonful crushing the delicate pebbles with force and determination. 

Cheese and Charcutterie 

Big parties never eat it all because there is too much talking to distract them.  Stack slices of prosciutto, lardo, duck ham, on top of Point Reyes Blue and Wagon Wheel from Cowgirl, don’t stop with one stack, continue until you’ve had least 10. 

Brioche and Butter

Common rich snack. Available every night. Make a sandwich with 4 slices of bread and 5 tablespoons of butter and call it a night. Whatever you do, don’t forget the crunchy salt. 

Extra Ice Cream Pastry Chef Deemed too Icy

Get a big spoon. Ice cream takes longer to eat than you would thing. You will get a brain freeze so its better to finish it all before you do so you’re at least enjoying it a little.