w-rennie

[w-rennie]

Thought Dump

I just want to be a better person. I don’t know what that is, but I want to be it.

I feel like my time in the IT field is up. I’m not making the world a better place by resetting passwords every day... but what can I do to make the world a better place? I’ve thought a lot about either medical assisting or becoming an LPN but I honestly don’t know if I’m cut out for it.

I’ve told everyone I’m going to go back to school medical assisting but honestly I’m scared. I’m talking myself up like I’ve got it on lock but I don’t. I was a CNA for a bit back in the day, but I quit and didn’t intend on looking back. That’s been.. almost 7 years ago. Shit.

I’m established in the IT world and I have a great paying job so I feel a little weird about abandoning this. The company I work for now was my ���dream company” a few years ago.. but things just haven’t went the way I thought they would. I feel really hopeless and dumb and like it’s too late to change things. SOS.

[w-rennie]

It’s been two years.

Hi, my few tumblr followers. I’m still around and doing mostly well. Just thought I’d check in after two years.

[w-rennie]

The Purple Buddha Project upcycles weapons of conflict in Cambodia, one of the most bombed countries in the history of mankind, into jewelry while working with fair-trade artisans and to spread awareness of the consequences of war. With the purchase of each piece, we make a donation of 9 meals to schools in Southeast Asia that sponsors children to attend school free of cost.

http://www.purplebuddhaproject.com/

[w-rennie]

[w-rennie]

Nerves.

I start a new job this morning and I feel sick to my stomach but so full of energy. I don't know how to calm it all. I've felt pretty wild all weekend and I've got a lot accomplished. I have no reason to think something bad will happen today, but I'm really nervous.

[w-rennie]

[w-rennie]

Mental Illness Recovery Series Book Campaign

Story # 1  Depression /  anxiety & insomnia

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Story # 3   Depression

Story # 4  Depression & Anxiety

Story # 5   Depression & Social Anxiety

Story # 6  Depression

Story # 7   Major Depressive Disorder / Post-traumatic Stress Disorder /  Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Dermatillomania

Story # 8  Depression & Dissociative Disorder

Story # 9  Dissociative Identity Disorder / Depression, Anxiety / Post-traumatic Stress Disorder & Phobias

Story # 10   Depression

Story # 11   Depression /  Social Anxiety Disorder /  Generalized Anxiety Disorder / Panic Disorder & Agoraphobia

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Story # 28 Depression

Story # 29  Major Depressive Disorder / Borderline Persoality Disorder / Dysthymia / Anorexia / Bulimia

Short Stories # 30 & 31  Panic Disorder / Depression / Bipolar Disorder

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Story # 33  Chronic Depression

Story # 34  Depression / Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Story # 35 Bipolar Disorder

Story # 36 - Schizoaffective Disorder

Short Story # 37 -  Depression / EDNOS

Story # 38 -  Anxiety / Depression / BPD

Story # 39 -  BPD / PTSD / Depression / Anxiety / Eating Problems

Story # 40 -  Depression / Anxiety / Attention Defect Disorder

Story # 41 -  Depression / Anxiety

Story # 42 -  Depression

Short Story # 43 -  Depression / Anxiety / EDNOS

Story # 44  BPD / PTSD / Anxiety NOS / DP / DR

Story # 45  Bipolar Type II / Panic Disorder / Agoraphobia

Story # 46  Bipolar Disorder / ADHD / MDD / GAD / PTSD

Story # 47  Clinical Depression / Eating disorder

Story # 48  PTSD / Trichotillomania / GAD

Story # 49  ADHD / GAD / Depression

Originally posted by dumbyboy

Story # 50  Autism / ADHD / Social Anxiety

Story # 51 PTSD / body dysmorphia disorder

Story # 52  depression and anxiety

Story # 53  depression / panic disorder / general and anxiety disorders

Story 54 Depression

Story # 55   major depressive disorder - MDD

Story # 56  Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) / Depressive Disorder NOS (DD-NOS) / Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) / Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

Story # 57  anxiety & seasonal affective disorder (SAD)

Story # 58  depression / rape recovery

Story # 59  obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) & Schizophrenia

Story # 60  borderline personality disorder

Story # 61 BPD / anorexia / anxiety / depression

Story # 62  panic disorder & depression

Story # 63  clinical depression / dysthymia / social phobia / borderline personality disorder / narcissistic personality disorder / post­-traumatic stress disorder / gender dysphoria / dissociative disorder not otherwise specified

Story # 64  SAD-Seasonal Affective Disorder

Story # 65  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder / agoraphobia / GAD

Story # 66  clinical depression / chronic anxiety disorder / PTSD / panic disorder / sleeping disorders

Story # 67  GAD & Depression

Story # 68  social anxiety /  panic disorder / depression

Story # 69  anorexia nervosa

Story # 70 depression / anxiety disorder / emetophobia: fear of vomiting

Story # 71 Borderline Personality Disorder

Story # 72  depression, post-traumatic stress disorder,  borderline Personality Disorder

Story # 73  depression, anxiety, ADD, eating disorder, & alcohol and drug addiction

Story # 74  anorexia, bulimia, panic disorder, OCD & depression

Story # 75  anorexia

Story # 76  depression & generalized anxiety disorder

Story # 77  Bipolar Disorder

Story # 78  depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD

Story # 79  depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and Social Anxiety

Story # 80  dysthymia with major depressive episodes, GAD, eating disorders not specified, PTSD, ADHD, dbulyslexia, mood disorder unspecified, BPD

Story # 81 Major depression & anxiety

Story # 82  Autism, depression & eating problem

Story # 83  Depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Story # 84  Bipolar type I and anxiety

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Story # 86 ADD, Bi-polar depression, general anxiety, with a history of binge eating disorder and self-harm/suicidal thoughts/tendencies.

Story # 87 Depression and anxiety

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Story # 91   Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), ADHD, & Gender Dysphoria

Story # 92 Burnout

Story # 93 Anxiety & depression

Story # 94  Post-traumatic stress disorder

Story # 95  GAD, insomnia, suicidal tendencies

Story # 96  Dissociative disorder, bipolar disorder with psychotic features, delusional disorder, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), schizotypal (STPD), and personality disorder.

Story # 97  Depression, anxiety, PTSD

Story # 98  PTSD & anxiety (rape)

Story # 99 Major Depression Disorder (MDD)

Story # 100  Recurrent depressive disorder

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Mental Illness Recovery Series Stories

[w-rennie]

[w-rennie]

If you feel yourself panicking, it’s going to be okay. Focus on your surroundings. Focus on a visual, a sound, a smell, or anything that you can sense. Focus on a thought in your head that will help make you feel relaxed and at ease. It’s okay to wait for the relief and relaxation to come to you. Remember to breathe and be patient. You’ve got this, I’m proud of you.

[w-rennie]

If it costs you your peace, it's too expensive.

[w-rennie]

Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

[w-rennie]

At first I hated this song, but then I listened to the words and..

Why is everything so heavy?

Linkin Park’s recent collaboration with Kiiara, Heavy, came as a huge surprise. We never expected the future pop artist to suddenly pop up on a Linkin Park song, and we were quite elated over the fact. Heavy, as it turns out, is a very polarizing song. It’s as infectious as can be of an anthem, but for long time LP fans, it’s a surprisingly pop and dance leaning jam versus the ol’ edgy gruff alt of yore. Regardless, Heavy is a massive hit, and it’s been remixed by French maestro Nicky Romero into a mellifluously lifting future meets electro dance anthem. It’s impossible to resist this luminous remix bursting at the seams with feel good vibes. The official edit is available now on iTunes.

[w-rennie]

Getting Started

Hi Tumblr!

I’ve had an account on here for years and I thought.. Well, maybe I can have an account that’s actually for real blogging, like how blogging used to be. For writing, and all of that.

What I wanted to post about is bipolar disorder. I know the internet hates self-diagnosed people, but I’m only self diagnosed because I couldn’t get in to see my psychiatrist for six fucking months.

ANYWAYS.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression since I was roughly 14-ish? That’s when I started going to my pdoc, anyways. It seemed like that was the answer and I had a really hard time with medicine until 2014 when I started Wellbutrin, Wellbutrin was my miracle drug. I lost about half of the weight depression had made me gain in high school. Everything was sunny again. I wanted to go out and do things and while, of course, I had struggles, but things were still so much better.

The last year though.. It’s been rough. My pdoc visits are really just check-ins so I can keep getting my prescription. I’d fibbed some and said things were fine and normal because everyone has highs and lows.. Right? That’s part of life. Some days you hate yourself and some days you think you’re the fucking shit and no one can handle how great you are. .... Right?

I had an appointment with my pdoc in January and had to schedule the next appointment for six months away because I was in trouble for missing so many days of work, EVEN when I had doctor notes. I knew after my one year anniversary, I’d get two more days I could miss and then 5 vacation days. So, even though I really didn’t want to, I thought I was making the right decision. I was wrong.

I have a crazy coworker problem (that’s a whole different story for a different day) and coupling that with moving and stresses and other things.. I felt like I kinda just snapped. I felt like it had been building since February when we moved, but once April hit.. Oh man. I had toyed with the idea of bipolar a year before but had let it go because I wasn’t like my bipolar I friend.. I mean, I spent money I didn’t have (see: credit cards) extremely quick when I was feeling good and happy and I thought that was just normal. I didn’t have the insane mood swings or promiscuous behavior or the drug abuse issues she had, so I didn’t have bipolar, right?

I saw an article about how this woman’s depression sort of morphed into bipolar. In particular, how she had been misdiagnosed with depression when she really had bipolar II. That piqued my interest and I spent probably 5+ hours a day for a straight month finding EVERYTHING I could possibly do to learn more about bipolar. I know those who self diagnose are extremely shunned (or where I’ve seen on the internet, at least) so I’m not trying to walk in like I own the place.. But the puzzle pieces fit bipolar II perfectly. I checked into other things like borderline personality disorder and I’ve already known almost everything there is to know about depression, and those don’t fit like bipolar II do. The more I think on it, the more I realized I’ve been this way for years and just thought it was normal.

I started paying closer attention to my moods and habits and feelings. I have streaks of “ups”, as I like to call them, where I don’t need sleep. I feel super pumped about life and myself. Nothing can stop me. I clean the house nonstop as soon as I finish getting ready for work in the morning until I have to leave for work, then come home, eat dinner, and clean. Sure, I have gym visits and allergy shots between work and coming home.. But I have literally left work early to come home and power clean the entire fucking townhouse. I HAVE LEFT WORK EARLY JUST TO COME HOME TO CLEAN. My anxiety gets high and it’s like a frenzy. I feel like a tornado going everywhere and into everything, all at once. I get hyper. I talk so fast I forget to breathe and can’t stop talking. I budget the fuck out of my finances. And then blow money I don’t have sometimes (???). I get inspired. I take on new tasks and ideas and projects. My diet (I’m trying to lose weight) is impeccable. I am productive in just about every possible way. And sometimes I get insanely hateful out of nowhere. I seriously considered purposefully hitting someone with my car once (and that’s not like me at all. My car is like my own child.) I snap at my fiance. I get irritable and yell and snap at people when I don’t even mean to. I can’t stop going and going and going. My head is racing and I can’t stop my thoughts and I feel like I’m vibrating. I want to be lazy and sit on the couch and sleep in until noon on Sunday but I just CAN’T. I’m wasting my time if I’m not doing anything! There are so many things that can/should be/need to be done! I can’t just waste away my life here sitting in front of a TV! Bills need to be sorted and papers need to be shredded and floors need to be swept and mirrors need to be cleaned and toilets need to be scrubbed and trash needs to be taken out and plastics need to be recycled and laundry needs to be washed and the beds need to be cleaned and the bills need to be paid and and and and and and and!

And then.. There’s the down swings. I’m in bed by 6:30pm. I just go up stairs and lay in bed because watching youtube/Supernatural/Arrow/playing video games just seems pointless. Life has no purpose. The chores don’t get done. I cry.. and I cry.. and I cry. I hate myself. I loathe myself. I despise myself. What would the world be like if I wasn’t here? No one loves me, do they? Whatever my illness is, it’s just a burden on everyone else and I make everyone’s life hard. I consider overdosing on sleeping pills. But I think of my mom and my fiance and my cat and I feel guilty. I couldn’t hurt them like that. But what if I just disappear for awhile? What if I just fold into myself and don’t exist for awhile, so I can give them a rest? A breather? So that they can relax? Wouldn’t that be nice for them, and for me, because I wouldn’t have to exist? But how do I do that? Hint: I can’t. I go to work and I cry in my car. I have to hold a teddy bear in my lap while I drive to feel some kind of comfort. I hide in my cubical and wipe my tears as soon as they fall. It’s allergy season, so they think I’m sniffling because allergies. There is my crazy coworker factor that has made this worse and it’s a big part of some of my issues, too. I cry because I can’t find a new job and I can’t. Fucking. Get. Away. From. HERE!

Good things, though: I found a new job and I start it Monday. I have finally found a counselor with an opening that I see on Monday, too. My visit with my pdoc is about two weeks away (6/26).

I’m in an upswing right now so I cleaned the entire house this morning and reorganized things. I’m trying to tell myself no to cleaning some objects and just leaving things messy, so you’d really never know I was a compulsive cleaner right now. 

I felt normal from 5/26 until about 6/1. I was able to take my time.. I didn’t clean all the time.. My fiance and I have binge watched Supernatural.. We went camping with no cell service and just enjoyed the lake. Nature helped me slow down, I really do think. I’d camp every damn weekend if I could.

Anyways, I just wanted to start this blog so I could get all of this stuff in my head out. My fiance is a wonderful being and listens and tries to understand the best he can but.. He’s never had any kind of mental illness. I’ve been dealing with this for over half of my life now. He tries to understand, but the way he was raised, mental illness is just a cop-out and you need to be a man and get over it. And I get it, I really do. He is truly trying hard to understand it. But I just need people who really get what I’m saying and can fully sympathize.

If you actually read this far, thank you so much. I do appreciate it. 

[w-rennie]

Executive Dysfunction

The more I find myself having to explain executive dysfunction to people the more I realise it’s near impossible. There’s a thing. I wanna do that thing, I really do. But no matter how hard I try to tell my brain to do the thing, it won’t do the thing. I can’t tell you the amount of hours I’ve spent scrolling mindlessly through social media wanting more than anything to stop, but I can’t. This concept is so ridiculously alien to abled/neurotypical people and makes awareness/acceptance for it so hard to achieve. If an abled/nt person wants to, say, have a shower, or get some food, they just up and do it, no second thought. But the amount of mental exhaustion that goes into getting myself to get up and do one of those things can honestly be disabling in itself. It’s not laziness, or not caring. It’s a total mental block between wanting something and doing something about it. I really wish the concept of this was more widely acknowledged. We are not lazy.

[w-rennie]

There is one generation that has been consistently defined by its obsessions: avocado toast, memes, Harry Potter … and self-care. They are often perceived as entitled snowflakes, but millennials might be the generation of emotional intelligence.

Self-care existed long before millennials did. Ancient Greeks saw it as a way to make people more honest citizens who were more likely to care for others. In her 1988 book, A Burst of Light, Audre Lorde wrote that “caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare.”

Today, self-care, as it’s defined by Gracy Obuchowicz, a facilitator and self-care mentor and coach in Washington, D.C., “assumes that we’re OK as we are and we just need to take care of ourselves … Self-care alone is not enough. You need to have self-awareness too. Self-care plus self-awareness equals self-love.”

The Millennial Obsession With Self-Care

Illustration: Malte Mueller/Getty Images

[w-rennie]

7 Daily Reminders

1. My self worth does not depend on what others think and say about me.

2. My self worth does not depend on how I look or what I weigh.

3. My self worth does not depend on my marks or performance.

4. My self worth does not depend on my number of followers.

5. I am enough just as I am.

6. I can succeed despite a bad day.

7. I am beautiful and valuable – and will treat myself with kindness and respect.

[w-rennie]

Types of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar I Disorder Bipolar I is characterized by one or more manic episodes or mixed episodes (which is when you experience symptoms of both a mania and a depression). Typically a person will experience periods of depression as well. Bipolar I disorder is marked by extreme manic episodes. Bipolar II Disorder Bipolar II disorder is diagnosed after one or more major depressive episodes and at least one episode of hypomania, with possible periods of level mood between episodes. The highs in bipolar II, called hypomanias, are not as high as those in bipolar I (manias). Bipolar II disorder is sometimes misdiagnosed as major depression if hypomanic episodes go unrecognized or unreported. If you have recurring depressions that go away periodically and then return, ask yourself if you have also: Had periods (lasting four or more days) when your mood was especially or abnormally energetic or irritable? Were you: Feeling abnormally self-confident or social? Needing less sleep or more energetic? Unusually talkative or hyper? Irritable or quick to anger? Thinking faster than usual? More easily distracted/having trouble concentrating? More goal-directed or productive at work, school or home? More involved in pleasurable activities, such as spending or sex? Did you feel or did others say that you were doing or saying things that were unusual, abnormal or not like your usual self? If so, talk to your health care provider about these energetic episodes, and find out if they might be hypomania. Getting a correct diagnosis of bipolar II disorder can help you find treatment that may also help lift your depression. Not Otherwise Specified (NOS) Bipolar disorder that does not follow a particular pattern (for example, re-occuring hypomanic episodes without depressive symptoms, or very rapid swings between some symptoms of mania and some symptoms of depression) is called bipolar disorder Not Otherwise Specified (NOS). Cyclothymia Cyclothymia is a milder form of bipolar disorder characterized by several hypomanic episodes #youmatter #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthcoach #YourMentalillnessMatters #bipolar #bipolardisorder #mentalhealth #mentalillness (at London, Ontario)