vixxven-alt

[vixxven-alt]

kenergy on point

[vixxven-alt]

SUNNY'S SKETCHBOOK - he always insists on drawing on lined paper. It's something uniquely him.

i realized that id never posted this! which is so sad because im very fond of it! giving characters very specific handwriting is something i have an absolute blast doing.

it was also a lot of fun to translate things into sunnys art style ehe.

[reblogs appreciated!]

[vixxven-alt]

school starts in around 2 days as of writing this.... I am not prepared mentally at all in order to get back into the routine of dealing with that much socialization- i have Isolated myself so much all summer that my touch starvation is literally screaming at me for something. I hate this feeling. I just want to break down into tears but at the same time I dont. I fucking hate myself for letting myself get this low, im going to be a senior in high school and here I am just the other day sleeping in until 9 pm. Summer went by too fast and I don't want to go back to school yet. I barely spent time with friends, i fucking wasted my life this summer. If anyone asks me what I did this summer I literally barely did anything. Wow I played video games.... how, thrilling. I'm just- hhh I want someone to fucking hug me tight and tell me that everything is going to be okay or something.

[vixxven-alt]

WHY WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME WHAT THW FUCK DID I DO TO YOU.

We WERE BEST FUCKING FRIENDS. YOU DIDNT EVEN FUCKING LOOK AT ME why? WHY? WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!? WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU DO THIS. WHY DIDNT YOU EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE ME?!? WHY? I DIDNT EVEN HAVE FUN BECAUSE I COULDNT ENJOY THE TIME WITH MY FRIENDS.

WHY?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????!!! JUST TELL ME WHY! ILL FIX IT! WHAT did I do wrong?

Why won't you even look my way?

Why cant everything just go to FUCKING plan?

WHY DOES STUFF ALWAYS HAVE TO GET IN THE WAY? WHY???? I JUST WANT A SUMMER WHERE I SPEND IT WITH MY FRIENDS THAT I LOVE. THAT I LOVE SO VERY MUCH. BUT I CANT EVEN HAVE THAT. WHY?

NO. I'm not okay. I'm tired of putting on a persona that I'm happy when I'm not. I'm tired of faking everything I do. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it all God dammit.

[vixxven-alt]

I'm a bit.... how do you put it, scared or nervous.

It's my first time back at the pool in my town and every time I let my mind wander it keeps going back to one of my friends who... offed themselves... they worked here last summer and this was the last place I saw them...

I'm just going to try and drown out these thoughts with invader zim characters cause I think zim is probably one of my favorite comfort characters.

[vixxven-alt]

FUCK! IM SORRY! shit

I dont want our friendship to end but I don't know what's going on or that you felt this way I'm sorry. I'm a clingy little bastard that has a bad habit of wanting to be in the middle of things. It's not like I mean to or anything but I just do it and I hate myself for it but this isn't about me it's about you. I'm sorry that I didn't catch on earlier that I was annoying you. Now that I know I was it's kind of obvious... my apologies.

And I just can't take it why is there so much going on.... I just want to go to the movies with my friend! Oh but you can't find a ride and your families won't take you WELL IVE BEEN PLANNING IT FOR WEEKS AHEAD OF TIME WHY CANT YOU JUST CARE ONCE AND ACRUALLY PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN I SAY ANYTHING ITS LIKE YOU DONT CARE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY AND WHY DO I SAY ANYTHING AT ALL WHEN ALL THAT COMES OUT IS EMPTINESS AND THINGS THAT HURT PEOPLE. Why can't everything just go right? Did I do something? Why? Why didn't you tell me before I got it? Why must you force me to eat it and whenever I say I'm full you tell me not to fucking pout WELL IM FUCKING SORRY BUT DON'T COMPARE MY ACTIONS TO MY MOM. IM NOTHING LIKE HER AND I WILL NEVER BE SO DON'T YOU EVER. EVER. FUCKING COMPARE ME TO HER AGAIN.

Just.....

Fuck.

[vixxven-alt]

I had a dream that I peed in an elevator and then went along my day forgetting it ever happened. In this dream someone threatened to shoot outside of my dream schools building. I tend to have re-occurring dream buildings. For some reason I also was a super hero in a political party fight with qtaro burgerberg from yttd. Yeah, we had super powers.

[vixxven-alt]

My appreciation for Kel

Tw : mentions of suicide ; spoilers for omori

Kel has been my favorite character from omori for a while now, but that was because of his chaotic nature. Recently I lost a friend to suicide and I can appreciate the character because whenever Mari died he stayed positive and didn't change. My friend died yesterday morning, and it's difficult to just... accept the death of a friend without knowing why. Thank-you omocat for creating such a character that is probably going to be my comfort character for a while now. <3

[vixxven-alt]

I need to stop always being so scared of every little thing for no reason because I keep on feeling left out of my friend group because I'm never with them aside from school usually and the occasional sleepovers. The thing that's made me most realize this is not being invited to the burial of one of my bestest friends that just killed themselves recently. The day of posting this it wad his funeral. I don't know why I'm even posting this here... maybe because I'm too scared to actually tell anybody face to face or something.

[vixxven-alt]

I just came back from the pool and it happened to be that some of my friends were there. Ok, that's cool and all... so I decide to hang out with them. I end up finding out that two of them are together and about the entire time that I was there they were all up over each other and stuff. And this has made me think and mostly realize even more how fucking lonely I really am. I've never had anyone. I've only dated online and... I just want affection. I'm tired of always ending up a third wheel in any conversation.

I just needed to share this somewhere... I know here may not be the best place but I rarely ever communicate with my friends and I isolate my self most of the time because no one talks to me outside of being in person. So I never get notified about anything or even get invited to things... the other day was the first thing I did with my friends as a gathering this entire summer.

[vixxven-alt]

This may sound selfish of me and really weird and stupid and dumb but... oh well... recently my phone has been acting up and the screen won't shut off, the flashlight is flickering, and a notification saying a USB is connected and disconnected keeps appearing. Earlier today I tried cleaning the port... I couldn't do it by myself... immediately bad anxiety hit me. I hate having to ask for help, I know I should and I know how... but what if I say something wrong what if I ask too much of them, what if they're already busy and I'm just annoying them... like fuck man... why did my phone have to start acting up in the first place. What if I broke it? I'm not getting another one and I know that. Even though my little cousin who punched his fucking tablet, got another one, and then dropped another tablet in the toilet, and got another one. I don't know why I can't be given anything. I know my family is trying and they tell me I can tell them anything but they will tell me stuff like I won't do or I can't do... it just makes my mind feel linear like I have no freedom almost.

[vixxven-alt]

I had this dream a couple of days ago where I was married to hatsune miku because... I belive I did her dishes so that's why we were married. So this tall woman that looks scary comes by, and steals my ring! She also murdered everyone else in the neighborhood for some reason who were just basic anime girls. So I go to a party in which I'm invited to and I go inside a warehouse type shed, well... me and hatsune miku ATTEMPT to get in. But it was locked. So we go around back and try to open the other door, it opens and in there is absolutely nothing. But I look behind me and I belive I see Mikus' body in the parking lot, completely mutilated. I run, I knew it was the doing of that one tall scary lady. I run all the way to my house which happens to be a block away in which I can look down out my window and see the remains of her. I end up shutting my door and shutting my self in my room for about a week, only sleeping. But I wasn't normally sleeping, I was decomposing. In my room on the shelves were skeletons of babies. My cousin opened the door, asking where I've been for a week and what that smell was. I belive after she left I went down to the remains of miku and tried to put the body in my room or something.

You might be thinking this was a nightmare right? No, I didn't wake up in a cold sweat or something in particular. I felt neutral and yet mentally unstable at the same time throughout the dream. I didn't feel any fear.

[vixxven-alt]

Last night I had a dream I was going to be a sacrifice for a hooker demon and I was going to be possessed for a little while or something. And for some reason the world once got turned into a jazz party with a ginormous elephant that dropped into the abyss with my unidentifiable parents.

[vixxven-alt]

Hello! Welcome to my dream archives (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ practically what this blog will be, is me ( @vixxven ) describing my dreams, whether or not it'll be in somewhat detail is up to time I have to write, and my memory ... which isn't the best at times (◞‸◟；) But I will try, even if I forget practically the entire dream, I'll still make an attempt. I will probably write up something in the early morning when I first wake up if possible.

Note : most posts may be edited throughout the day, adding more details I happen to remember!

Edit: fuck it I'm making this also a venting blog.