vegasicilia

[vegasicilia]

Quick update. Used my weekend to rest and we’re back, babies. We are so back. I went to work. Went to the gym. I’m meeting with friends later. House has been cleaned. Nice.

My bad, I forgot I had autism.

So, big f*cking week at work. Very f**king big week. I crushed it. I rose to the opportunity and finished better than anyone thought a project of mine at work. Boss huged me. Parents said they were proud. My LinkedIn was soaring. I was happy. I'm still happy.

I spent a whole week being more social, more hyperactive, more organized and more talkative than ever. I met people after people and made small talk. I f*cking orchestrated, directed and executed an event I had been planning for since May. Working 13 hours a day for 3 days. I FREAKING KILLED IT. All while going to the gym, keeping my diet in check and taking care of myself (bedroom clean, teeth brushed, nails clean, beard shaven).

Side note, for you my readers (is anyone reading this?). There's a thing I haven't told you officially, my dear Tumblr blog, and that is that I have a big fat autistic brain with ADHD sprinkles on top. And since I didn't know about any of this since I was 20, years have passed and my subconscious stil thinks I don't have autism and ADHD and that I can just function as a normal human being.

Back to the main story, an hour after the event was done and everyone was going home, it hit me. Like a train. My regular delusion that I can be a normal person for extended periods of time came to an end faster than I can say "autism". Like a freaking tsunami had reached my shore, I broke down at a friends house and slept for 12h straight. My brain had had enough. Dopamine wasn't flowing. Adrenaline rush was gone. My frontal cortex announced early retirement as I said goodbye to the few people who stayed until the very end.

I was down on my friends's sofa for about half a day. I thought that would be it, that I would get home and go to work the next day and everything would be fine. But it was not. I've spent the last few days as a zombie, walking around the office as if anything around me had anything to do with me. I came home at the end of my 9 to 5 to have dinner at 7 and be in bed by 8-9 every day. I stopped going to the gym, I couldn't care less about my diet and my skincare has stopped. And I can't do anything about it. I just don't care. I can't make myself care.

I have to stand aside as my brain repeats the cycle again: work hard & play hard until you can't take it anymore. And it's not something I can't really control. My roomates don't understand why I'm home so much and I'm not out and about all day like always. My friends reach out to hang but I just wanna wear my new pajamas and watch the new Doctor Who special (it was awesome btw, love you David Tennant)

I need recharging, but it feels like the world is made only for Duracell AA batteries I'm a potato in salt water trying to power a Tesla in the highway.

[vegasicilia]

It's not that I don't want to visit, it just wasn't on the list I made in my head

[vegasicilia]

My bad, I forgot I had autism.

So, big f*cking week at work. Very f**king big week. I crushed it. I rose to the opportunity and finished better than anyone thought a project of mine at work. Boss huged me. Parents said they were proud. My LinkedIn was soaring. I was happy. I'm still happy.

I spent a whole week being more social, more hyperactive, more organized and more talkative than ever. I met people after people and made small talk. I f*cking orchestrated, directed and executed an event I had been planning for since May. Working 13 hours a day for 3 days. I FREAKING KILLED IT. All while going to the gym, keeping my diet in check and taking care of myself (bedroom clean, teeth brushed, nails clean, beard shaven).

Side note, for you my readers (is anyone reading this?). There's a thing I haven't told you officially, my dear Tumblr blog, and that is that I have a big fat autistic brain with ADHD sprinkles on top. And since I didn't know about any of this since I was 20, years have passed and my subconscious stil thinks I don't have autism and ADHD and that I can just function as a normal human being.

Back to the main story, an hour after the event was done and everyone was going home, it hit me. Like a train. My regular delusion that I can be a normal person for extended periods of time came to an end faster than I can say "autism". Like a freaking tsunami had reached my shore, I broke down at a friends house and slept for 12h straight. My brain had had enough. Dopamine wasn't flowing. Adrenaline rush was gone. My frontal cortex announced early retirement as I said goodbye to the few people who stayed until the very end.

I was down on my friends's sofa for about half a day. I thought that would be it, that I would get home and go to work the next day and everything would be fine. But it was not. I've spent the last few days as a zombie, walking around the office as if anything around me had anything to do with me. I came home at the end of my 9 to 5 to have dinner at 7 and be in bed by 8-9 every day. I stopped going to the gym, I couldn't care less about my diet and my skincare has stopped. And I can't do anything about it. I just don't care. I can't make myself care.

I have to stand aside as my brain repeats the cycle again: work hard & play hard until you can't take it anymore. And it's not something I can't really control. My roomates don't understand why I'm home so much and I'm not out and about all day like always. My friends reach out to hang but I just wanna wear my new pajamas and watch the new Doctor Who special (it was awesome btw, love you David Tennant)

I need recharging, but it feels like the world is made only for Duracell AA batteries I'm a potato in salt water trying to power a Tesla in the highway.

[vegasicilia]

Can't have it all. Choose, please.

How am I supposed to work, go to the gym, have a social life, sleep, eat well, and achieve personal growth at the same time?

ADHD won't let me do it all. Autism won't let me do it all. How the fuck am I supposed to do it all. I can't. Can't I? Can you? Can anybody without doing drugs?

I wanna be someone else. I really do. I wanna be the clean, fit, always well-put together friend, the always has money to make plans friend, the guy who doesn't look like they just woke up. I wanna be that guy. In my head, I am that guy already.

In reality, I'm an ADHDer who can't focus on a single thing. My doctors and my body tell me I have to go to the gym. I prepaid to go to the gym for 4 months. I haven't gone once.

I have to eat better. I need to. My body is asking me to take care of myself. I can't do it. Or won't I?

I have to be more clean. I had scabies last June and my body was screaming at me: "boy, can you take care of yourself?"

I CAN'T.

Can't I?

Sometimes, I think I can't because I can't because of my disabilites. Sometimes, I think I give too much of myself to my friends because I am scared of losing them, so I always say yes to their plans even when I shouldn't.

Sometimes, I am afraid of being all alone when, in my case, removing me-time to do friends-time is what's keeping me more alone.

Have I become the "dependable and reliable" friend? Is that what I am to everybody? The guy you fill up your time with until better people come along? Everybody keeps saying no, but sometimes I feel that's it. "I'm bored, let's hit up Jake!"

Why do I feel that if I spent more time on myself I would have less friends?

Also, is this just an excuse I have made up for myself because I don't wanna go to the gym, so I go with friends to not think I am lazy?

[vegasicilia]

I don't get

People who settle

People who get a shitty job and shitty pay and are happy

I don't get it.

Go out and get it.

I am disabled. I have problems working as a functional man.

Yet I got a good job. A good salary. I am very young and I could afford to have a child.

I don't get people.

[vegasicilia]

Show me like you really care, that you really care, show me that you're gonna stay, on my worst days.