uncrownedwords

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Mary Oliver, from “Hum Hum”, A Thousand Mornings

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When do they let you grow up?

when does a mother stop trying to turn her

daughter into herself?

how many girlhoods does it cost?

how many times does a girl need to die where is the girl gone?

to make a good daughter?

what did you do of the woman she was supposed to be?

where has she gone? what did you do to her?

will she ever come back? where is her grave?

is that what you wanted?

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Sometimes I wonder if I am not just a walking trauma waiting to happpen

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When you have a mental break down for as long as I have , they simply just call it life

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Spiraling down the rabbit hole , lost in translation of lucid thoughts filled with melancholy meanings. Drifting this way and that , turning from eat me , drink me , to intrusive words and shaking hands . Collapsing tunnels as I shrink and grow, still the spiral goes. Days go by and lost I am ; rabbit late as ever more with still no concept of time for sure. Folding cards and shaking hands this is where the tunnel lands. The queen of hearts she rules me well, colliding my head with the end of her mallet much like an unaware hedgehog as her commands bring weight upon my much to tiny head. Flamingos this way and that drink me, eat me , still onward to intrusive thoughts and shakes hands , dear wonderland , if I make it out madness , I promise I’ll never be the same , stain me crimson and let me decent .

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If my head could pound any louder I would swear it was a door, baring an intruder on the other side. Calling themselves temptation while hiding the knife of intrusive thoughts behind their back with a convincing smile.

07|28|2023|00:50

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By olga.nikolaaenko

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the darkness might be hiding a monster

I’ve become scared to take walks at night,

my enemy might stand next to me

telling me to cross the road with

no hesitation.

too many times I’ve walked the same road

thinking that my angel was keeping me safe,

when in fact,

he was the demon that tore me apart. 

I’ve become scared to take walks at night,

these abandoned roads lead me to nowhere

and these roads are the only ones that I know.

[uncrownedwords]

If you cant say something nice, say something cruel

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You changed, you became someone new, no not new. Hidden. You found someone there, in the darkness of your mind and I cant always be beside you, and that's eatting me alive. You changed and expected everyone to see as you pushed them away and hide inside yourself. You changed and you got worse, then better, then hundred times worse; and you swear no one noticed as you repeat 'your fine' in your head maybe half a million times. You smile yet it doesn't meet your eyes. It just reconfirms the lies you tell yourself sometimes.

You dont understand all the complex thoughts inside my head and the moments I tried to capture the thoughts I failed, I reached for the moon to fix every last thing and ended up not even getting the chance to see the stars. It's crazy and chaotic thos story that's woven and I'm nervous so I mask it the best I could, I tried for laughter . You don't seem to comprehend how you changed . You changed the day I appeared and you changed every moment since like a roller coaster I valued your words in my darkest of times even when I tried to run far away , even when I tried to hide. Here I stand and I can't belive it because I'm still blaming myself when you changed and I'm still blaming myself for the lack of your smile, because I cant fathom how you helped me hold on when you whwre crumbling like a falling wall. It's what I do, I blame myself till I'm blue in the face but never once did I give up , never once did I stop trying. Even in this silence I'll try again and again as long as I never give up , but I need some help here. You changed and here you stand, and I see your fake smile and the lines through the cloths, and I hear the words echoed in the darkness and I'm sorry is all I can seem to echo back because I do not know what to do and I wish I could fix things and make this thing all easy make thoughts and life... easier, that I'm sorry, I couldn't seem to help you more and I'm sorry in this blindness I didn't notice you became so numb, that nothing mattered. I'll keep pushing though here I am never giving up because--- your worth it and you always have been . Even if things change.

December 11th 2019 @2:06 am1

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I relized, through all the good and bad times I've been scared, you where there. Through the happy and sad times, it was hard to see why my brain was over thinking and racing but , I relized you where the constant the person who made me feel safe the thing that made me feel safe and I feel like I'm losing inch by inch and im clinging and I dont know what to do and im petrified as Icgrip to one thing after another desperatly trying not to feel the ship im standing in sink .--- minds are a dangerous thing to be stuck inside of . I admire you and always have, it took me a long while to understand what my feelings actually were .. but you are safe, I always get upset because you are safe, my brain a long time ago picked you to be the person I felt safest with. A constant, then things started changing and yet it still craves saftey. I dont know how to turn it off or explain that I'm hurting without sounding scared and needy. I have regrets sure but I miss the calls , the answers, I miss the games and all the talks as I try to rebuild Ifeel like i have made an even bigger mess , missing pieces of the puzzle, while I try to play chess...... because I miss-- the normal. I miss not feeling abandoned, not thinking you would leave or being scared of messing up my brain is trying so hard, it hasnt had this much pain in a while. But I miss the normal... and the normal is you.

12|21|2020||1:48

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Come back

Come back to how it was, come back to normal, come back to patterns , come back to it being a give and take, come back to wear it all feels safe. Come back to answers and questions and ways to escape that feel whole and in place . Come back to normal I desperatly scream, do i not matter ? Do I not mean a thing-- come back is all I am asking because now its been a week of this travisty and My body is trying as it shakes and it cries , my body is trying to convice itself with these lies, i am begging and pleading because I CAN NOT TAKE IT THIS TIME, come back to whats normal 30 options to be normal, 30 ways to change, 30 times I'll beg for things to stay the same because now im drowning and im expressing whats on my brain . -- please for me come back . Normal , is needed-- normal is supposed to be safe, your supposed to be safe. Whats safe your safe. This is safe and for once I just ... half assed replies welcome--- Im at that point in tears begging for something to stay the same, i have been abused and abandoned. Beaten and raped, i have been lockef up and shut down but you stayed all the same, you are the constant the only persom i havent ignored its funny as im drowning here , --- wondering if this will change i have 30 reasons for you to respond i have 30 reasons to beg , i have 30 things to type in -- please just stop leaving please answer , please stop leaving because this doesn't feel okay . At all , this is not normal and its what my brain craves --- patterns, normal. You reply , I reply, we repeat--- please.

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Patterns

Normal rythms , I answer, I repeat , I answer , I repeat . I stop breathing , days tick by and still I'm trying. My head is screaming to fix it, against the ears that are trying so desperately not to listen. There is no way to fix it, I practiced , I repeated , I begged and I pleaded . The world kept turning days to a week, a week to how long... desperately drowning as I try so hard to be patient. Patient something I have been sitting here with whys and hows , patient because I'm scared. I answer , you answer, I answer, you answer... its a pattern. We have a pattern so neither side is dying from the overwhelming crushing urges the world brings.. you read them , i read them, we answer--- normal one, two, three..three..three..... please. She told me not forever, I would have to be patient but still I am sitting, I am writing , I am hoping--- I am dying. Losing my mind in the possiblities, losing my mind in the empty silence that fills my head and the clock ticks by. You are awake, you always answer, you read them , you always answer, closure, repetition, patterns, normal....normal. A six letter word i have never craved so much in my whole life. Normal the need to have things not change, the aneixty I feel that makes me nausues. The sickning social skills I have in a desperate plead to have you see this is effecting me. Normal the craving inch by inch for this to not just mean something to me for it to mean something to you. Normal not breaking a pattern. Staying on course convincing my head that all good things happen in time is like trying to convince it not to explode rapidly and without cause, normal because even on good days i crave the consistency of you understanding me on a level most dont , how our words and turn of pace are diffrent then most. I will improve. I will change to be what is needed for just an answer--- because im so desperately tired of things feeling sweaty, nauses, sickingly, fidgeting and nervous I do not want to fill a space with some thing abnormal something not-- you, and our normal patterns . You have always been there and still the lack of normal, leaves me questing if you'll come back.... and leaves me wanting to beg you for one more inch of normal . I am going insane , I think -- desperately so insane , the heart racing faster, my body shaking as i try not to bug you as i try not to cause fights as i try to be -- excatly what you want me to be. Without being selfish , without being crude, I want to be there for you, can you be there for me to --- at this point, my brain just cant comprehend all the mix signals as i try not to get over excited about being left on read. As i try not to have this be the emotional push i need to have a nervous break down as i try to be sane... and normal with a pattern broken, fractured and in need of repair. I answer, you answer, you answer, I answer. Half assed replies now courgaly accepted . ---- Normal.

You where always there, please come back. Now I am desperately pleeding with you in a gane aginst my sanity where i am struggling overly hard not to spam you , you answer, i answer. I answer, you answer -- patterns. Patterns are normal, craved , they keep things in balance , predictable, stable, needed. You answer -- I answer, we answer , please... patterns... please normal. Please its your turn. I NEED you. I am losing myself to the panic and i need you to see that, because we are friends and this is not normal and i need you to see... patterns. You answer , I answer, I answer, You answer... patterns... Normal .

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I wish, I was normal--- I wish everything was not a struggle. That acting normal wasn't so draining that understanding what people mean wasn't so hard. I wish i wasn't so broken. That I didnt upset anyone. I feel like I dont understand how to be human and it keeps getting worse and I am trying so hard core, but still I am sorry again and again because I cant figure out how to act like everyone else.

Im broken --

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Love & Other Drugs (2010)

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“It is terrible to be alone. I don’t mean to live alone— to be alone, where no one hears you.”

— Louise Glück, From Averno; “Averno”