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letting my light wash dry among the trees

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Afternoon paradise//More @wander-uploads

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u know the trope of mean girls saying something nice to someone’s face then badmouthing them when they walk away, well yesterday I experienced the better version which was a girl walking past a group of girls and waving and they all demurely said hi and kept walking and when she was out of earshot one of them said “I seriously think I would die for her” and the rest said “RIGHT??”

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ae.rami

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By tashatudorandfamily

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all I want is a cute apartment with big windows, sunshine streaming through, a full bookcase, the smell of coffee and to be content and at peace with life

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tired because now most days i wake up at 5am, but happy to be on GI/liver and always learning, thinking, forcing myself to question everything more. i need to remind myself that i grow through discomfort, in the gray area of uncertainty. my senior complimented me on my presentation today! i know more than i think i do. one of my mentors said that i come across as shy and soft spoken, but i have leadership skills. i’m steel wrapped in velvet! i’m not here to get pushed around! and onward we go!

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ALWAYS BE MY MAYBE (2019) dir. Nahnatchka Khan

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i’m home now and i’m going to take step 2 tomorrow. it’s been a bit strange-- sandy is in india for the next two months to do her food internship, and my parents just sold our house the day before i got home. they are moving out in two to three weeks. i’m alone for most of the day because wesley is taking a coding class and my mom is trying to get our house in order and gardening outside. i feel baseline anxiety about this exam, stress over all the tasks i have coming ahead of me, and pretty sad that so much of my past is being packed up in boxes and put away. i expect that the latter two emotions won’t come into full force until after my nine hour long exam (cry) tomorrow. yesterday i got pretty freaked out and cried on and off throughout the afternoon. today i am alternating between reviewing last minute topics and watching old kpop youtube videos. this year is passing by so quickly and i need to remember what my mom told me last night-- i should look at my problems in a different light. how many people get to be where i am now? 22 and graduating med school in one year, planning a national conference, at home with my family members that are healthy and happy. i have so much going for me and i need to recognize that too, along with everything else that my life comes with. i need to believe in myself. i just feel scrambled? weird? like i am having an out of body experience, almost. 

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this time, im cooking and exercising. finding joy in the sunshine and wind and rain on my face. trying to remind myself that i am manifesting this progress and this pace to reach my destination, and i can’t attribute it to anyone else (this piece of wisdom was gleaned from a lovely, rambly conversation with another girl at my fav dive bar! i love drunk girl conversations-- they are the most wholesome, especially when they are unexpected). i am making more food that taste like my ma’s instead of microwaving shitty frozen vegetables (no hate tho) because it’s been a while since i’ve been back, but it’ll be ok. i’ll be back.

 maybe this is all because im so tired from last year. if i dont take care of myself, who will? but i wonder if i am being too kind to myself. but im doing what i wrote down i would do in my assignment book, my uworld percentages havent been bad, i am juggling multiple things at once. but i still feel like i am obligated to feel inadequate, that i will always never ever be good enough and everyone is lying to me that i am ok but secretly they think the opposite! again, also, forever-- the constant refrain of ‘another’s success is not your failure.’ 

i play skin by dijon and lover boy by phum viphurit and my heart hurts. not as much as it did before, but it feels pretty shitty to be dropped so quickly after being vulnerable for the first time in a while. but i dont regret it. i just wonder sometimes if i’ll find someone good for me. 

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Vader: [opening a desk drawer in Obi-Wan’s old room] Let’s see what this old fool kept in here…[picking up a piece of paper]  Obi-Wan: [in a letter] 

Dear Anakin, 

If you’re reading this, then you must be rifling through my belongings, which means you are either extremely bored (in which case I suggest going and tidying up your quarters, which I don’t need to see to know are a disaster,) or I’ve been missing for an extended amount of time and the Order needs the room to store extra chairs, or I’ve died, possibly while trying to rid the galaxy of General Grievous. If I am in fact dead, I hope this letter finds you well in spite of it, and that you have not gone off the deep end or murdered anyone in an attempt to avenge me. (…unless it’s Grievous, I suppose.)

You will find attached to this letter the receipts for several items in my room, such as the electric tea kettle. I hope you can at least return them for store credit. 

I’ve set up a college savings plan with the Galactic Bank of Coruscant, because I noticed that Senator Amidala is obviously pregnant, and since I am not nearly as dense as you apparently think I am, I presume the child is yours. The account information is in my safe, which I would give you the combination to except that I know you have been breaking into it since you were 14. 

If you do intend to eventually leave the Order, as I suspect you might, please make sure that you give the Council two weeks’ notice. It’s only polite, and you never know when you may need to use them as a reference. Even though I know you clash with them, they do care about you.

Finally, please make sure Duchess Satine’s nephew gets the inheritance I’ve left him (the information is also in my safe, and no, I’m not going to tell you any more details about this. I realize how much this is going to torment you, and I’d be lying if I said that’s not bringing a smile to my face.) 

Your blanket is in the hamper. Wash it on the gentle cycle. The password for the wi-fi, in case you’ve forgotten, is BuyYourOwnDataPlanAnakin.

Be well, my Padawan, and I shall see you again someday – hopefully many years from now – when you, too, rejoin the Force. Don’t forget to change the payment settings for Netflix now that I’m dead or you’ll fall behind on your programs. 

Yours,  Obi-Wan Kenobi  PS: Don’t let Vos speak at my funeral. 

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i think i am feeling more angsty lately because i don’t know if i am smart enough to do IM. my shelf score was not that great, i only got an excellent in my rotation, i didn’t get asked to apply for AOA. like should i even be allowed to take care of people? what even gives me the right? but then i think about all the other people who are in similar shoes as me and who i would trust with my life because they are great people. i’m great too, right? i’m not bad, right? i’m doing ok, right? i feel so lost sometimes. wow this is so sad lol. i guess it’s just slightly saddening for me (but still happy for everyone else!) when i realize that most of my friends have achieved the things i want. too much self comparison is bad for the soul.

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屋根裏部屋は本の森 / The attic is a forest of books

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light and shadow in the alley by kazu saito