twiggy47
twiggy
2 posts
username is a manic street preachers reference, 18M. 171cm 44kg
Last active 60 minutes ago
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twiggy47 · 4 days ago
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twiggy47 · 5 days ago
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i have C-PTSD, and it’s so much easier to cope/forget about things from my past when the only thing i can think about is food.
people say @n@ will make your brain go foggy, but somehow my head feels the clearest it’s ever been. i can identify my thoughts now, because they’re all about food. my brain is now solely focused on calories and losing weight, instead of repeating the same shit from my childhood on loop.
even my nightmares are better because they’re no longer about the trauma i experienced, they’re about food and me starving.
this may bit a bit dark, but there’s sense of happiness and peace i get from knowing i’m dying. i don’t have to worry about what happened anymore, because i am slowly killing myself. i don’t have to stress because in a couple months ill either be dead, or in the hospital— where people will finally take of me.
Having an eating disorder is easier.
I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s really fucking hard and awful. However, it’s easier than having to face my life and the things I hate about it. It’s easier than having to deal with the trauma I went through.
I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s easier to focus on my weight and what I eat because it gives me a sense of control I never had my whole life. It’s a good distraction to live in a fantasy world where if I just lose enough weight, everyone will adore me. Instead of the cruelness I’ve faced so far. I get to change something about myself, because I hate myself. Romanticize it, because if I don’t, I’d kill myself.
I like living in a fake fantasy world and worrying about problems that I create for myself, rather than the real problems and pain people have given me.
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