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Little update, I’ve been having ewcm for the past couple of days, which I haven’t had in a long time. I’ve also been tracking ovulation, today I saw a rise and based on my app it is considered high at .53, so fingers crossed I ovulate this month

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A year ago today I lost my precious angel baby. Something I prayed for and continue to pray for. It took us 2 medicated cycles to conceive and lost baby at 9weeks. What started as a subchorionic hemorrhage quickly turned into me birthing my child in the bathroom. I’ve managed to make it through today without full blown tears, but my heart still aches for what could have been. Since then we have had 3 failed medicated cycles, an HSG, and surgery to remove polyps and endometriosis from my uterus and fallopian tubes. Since surgery I had my thoughts of our fertility journey shattered by a hospital policy saying my dr wouldn’t be able to accept me as a patient if I’m over a certain weight pre pregnancy. I am now on a weight loss journey, it’s been 3 months and I’ve lost 17lbs. I am struggling to get past that mark but I’m still trying. It’s hard knowing I am still struggling to have a baby when I should have a 5 month old by now… I just pray this next year brings us what we have been hoping and praying for. 

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I find it real ironic that I’m having the worst period almost year to date of losing our baby. So not only am I emotional about the day but now I get to experience heavy bleeding and cramping like I’m losing it all over again.. you can’t make this shit up

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I had my post op surgery Monday. I needed to process everything before making a post.

For starters I am healing fine, which is great. My dr showed me my pictures which showed proof that I ovulated, but since she scrapped my lining I won’t have a cycle from it. She asked if I’ve been having periods on my own, I haven’t. So she prescribed me progesterone to trigger a cycle. I’ve been told to take it the first of every month till it comes on its own.

She broke some news I was not expecting. The hospital that she delivers at is a lower level hospital and they don’t have an obgyn on staff at all times. Because of this they have made a policy change, if you are over a certain weight pre pregnancy the dr is not allowed to accept you. I am over that weight by about 35lbs.

Since I’m on semiglutide she wants to up my dose to help me lose weight. Since I’m on the shot she can’t give me clomid because of the risk for a potential pregnancy. Which means I have to lose weight before continuing the process. She doesn’t want to see me for 6 months to see if I can lose the weight in that time frame.

Here I was excited that we may have a chance of maintaining a pregnancy just to find out I won’t even possibly be starting any medicated cycles till November. If by a miracle I get pregnant before then and haven’t lost enough weight then I have to find a new dr. It’s a lot and extremely disappointing.

So my journey to a baby has taken a turn into a serious weight loss journey… I’ve got my work cut out for me and I have to keep myself motivated with the thought of potentially having a baby one day.

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Surgery Update

Surgery went well, they were able to clean out my uterus and the endometriosis, my left tube was open so she didn’t have to do anything to it. She said there was no signs of scar tissue either. Now we recover!

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Surgery tomorrow!!

I had pre op on Friday, which turned into an entire day thing. My ob didn’t realize I had heart surgery as a child and once she found out she freaked out. She called anesthesia and they said without an echo to show my heart is strong enough and healthy, they wouldn’t do the surgery. So began the scramble to get an echo last minute. I was able to get one stat and I also had to get an ekg and bloodwork. Everything went good and I’m scheduled for 6am tomorrow.

I am full of feeling but anxiety seems to be the biggest one. Pray for me yall!

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As I roll into this week, there is a lot of feelings. Friday I go in for my pre op appointment for my surgery next week. Which is exciting and stressful. I have a lot on my plate. Monday starts with a new training class I’m facilitating at work. Which my boss was not happy about me missing days during. It also starts week 3 of my psychology of social media course, which has been more than I expected when it comes to course work. On top of those two things I’ve been stretching out household finances thin to come up with 2 grand before this surgery. Thankfully I have an FSA that has some of the money on it and my recent promotion has been able to provide additional funds to assist, but it’s still a lot. We have had to sacrifice our luxuries of going out to eat and having a little cushion money to cover it. It is absolutely worth every bit of it. I’m just ready to get through this so I can actually enjoy my raise and move forward to the next chapter in our journey.

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Follow Up Results

My dr advised that I have a blockage in my left tube and some growth in my uterus which is most likely polyps. She scheduled me for surgery later this month to clean out my uterus and clear the blockage. I am excited and a bit nervous. I haven’t had surgery since I was a kid. I’m just glad to be getting some answers and making steps towards getting issues fixed so we can try again

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HSG Update

HSG is done!! First it was not painful, I was nervous as hell thinking it was going to hurt, and honestly I didn’t feel anything. The worst part was him trying to get my cervix in the right spot and keeping my feet in the stirrup cause the thing kept moving. Now I wasn’t expecting him to tell me anything but he did which I’m glad for. My right tube was great, but my left tube was blocked. So I assume I will be needing surgery to open it up but I’m not 100% on that. I have a follow up with my regular OB in a couple of weeks and she will fill me in on next steps. I am absolutely relieved that they found something and it’s fixable. I was a little emotional about it but in a good way.

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CD1

I’m officially on CD1, I called and scheduled my HSG for next Friday. Let the nerves begin 😓

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March 10th

Today should be one of the happiest days of our lives. We should be giving birth to our precious angel baby, but instead we are here with empty arms and a broken heart. Today will be a rough day for the rest of my life. I pray that one day I will get to hold my babies tight on this day, but for now that seems like just a dream. I can only hope that these next few months bring some clarity to our fertility journey and we can move forward trying for another baby. Until then I’ll mourn the loss of our rainbow baby and be grateful for the opportunities that have been laid before me.

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I knew going to a baby shower was going to bring feeling. I was able to hold myself together but watching the expecting couple open the gifts for their sweet baby that is due just days before what would have been my due date, had me on the edge of tears. Luckily I had a drink to suppress my emotions. In my head I just kept telling my self I was fine, and I can cry in the car.. as I walked to the car it was taking everything I had in me to keep it in. Once I got in the car I started sobbing… I was trying so hard to conceal it.

It’s such a battle, I am extremely happy for them and the journey they are about to embark on, but I am devastated that it isn’t me. Seeing people experiencing the milestones of pregnancy and preparing for what I was robbed of. Meanwhile I’m trying to maintain this facade that I’m okay, because I’m supposed to be okay, it’s not supposed to be breaking me apart inside. How long can I continue to hide this from everyone in my life? Acting like I’m perfectly fine around friends and family and then laying in bed crying myself to sleep while my husband is asleep next to me… granted some days are not this hard, but the bad days hit like a car going 100mph hitting a brick wall.. I just want to be me again.

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I got invited to a baby shower this weekend. So I’ve been buying items for the gift. It was a real punch in the gut when I saw Amazon giving me a discount on items in my registry cause it’s almost my due date. I also saw someone I used to know had a baby this week. I’m not sure if I’m just numb at this point cause inside I want to cry and release but outside won’t let me. It’s going to be a rough couple of weeks/ month

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Still no AF and still no positive test. I’m now convinced I didn’t get a high enough peak to ovulate. I have provera to bring on AF so I can get the HSG done, but I’m going to have to plan it correctly. Hubby and I have a vacation in 2 weeks so I don’t want to be on AF then or need to be doing the HSG at that time. So I plan on taking it while on the trip and then I’ll start when I get home.

On another note, this week has been mentally exhausting. At work I had a new class start so I’m training 8 hours a day plus any OT I’m putting in to prep. Then I’m spending time on my college course. I have an argument paper due Sunday night and in the art of procrastinating because I was dreading it. I have just started writing it this week. So I’ve had and still have a lot of work to do on it. With that being said I was so tired after work I was literally falling asleep in the middle of doing things. So I took a much needed nap!

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I am 16 DPO and 2 days late now. I took a test this morning and I feel like I saw a faint line but I could be having line eyes. So we will try again In the morning. With my first pregnancy I didn’t get a positive until I was 4 days late and with my last pregnancy I found out 3 days before my missed period… so really it could be any time if I am pregnant

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Just got the results for the semen analysis, everything came back normal so that’s a relief. Also got in touch with the pharmacy so they will be sending my shots to me soon. Now we wait for AF to schedule the HSG.

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8 DPO

So far everything seems pretty normal, some days I have tender breast and some days I can’t really tell. One thing I have noticed is vivid dreams, it’s like watching tv in my sleep almost and it’s every time I’m asleep. Which this was one of my symptoms with my last pregnancy soo fingers crossed!