too-much-imagination

[too-much-imagination]

"So, what of next year's resolutions?", I heard my friend ask the other day and found myself stuck in a quiet storm, stirring the ache of all the changes I'd wished for but never lived this year. New days, new weeks, new months, new years—how often I've chased the illusion of 'new', convinced that everything would start from the very beginning—only to find myself, each day, pleading for the following day—begging each week for another week. How dearly I've celebrated the turning of each year, like prophets ushering in salvation, only to discover the freshness of the same calendar fading by February, the corners dog-eared, and promises—so solemnly sworn—becoming ghosts lingering in the silence of unkempt rooms. As if the trees that shed their twigs in autumn do not grow the same leaves with the same roots in spring—as if when flipping pages in a book, the story never retains its plot—as if the mere change of a night could unshackle the chains of a lifelong sorrow.

Shayan Das, New Year's Resolutions

[too-much-imagination]

Eleanor of Aquitaine.

One of the wealthiest and most powerful women in Western Europe during Middle Ages.

Queen Eleanor; Frederick Sandys, 1858

[too-much-imagination]

Lying Female Nude; Victor Casimir Zier, 1881

[too-much-imagination]

If I was a poet, I would write only about you.

If I was a painter, I would do the portraits only of you.

If I was a singer, I would sing only for you.

I’m not any of them, the world didn’t give me any of those gifts, but it presented me you.

So how am I to bear the burden of your love?

[too-much-imagination]

Dante and Virgil in Hell; William-Adolphe Bouguereau, 1850

[too-much-imagination]

Salome; Francesc Masriera Manovens, 1888

Salome’s Dance; Leopold Schmutzler, 1905-1907

[too-much-imagination]

Tomorrow’s my first day at university. I have to make it work.

I have to be as good as I was in high school.

No. I have to be better. I have to get higher and higher, be smarter, more organised, more focused, more disciplined.

I have high hopes so don’t disappoint me, please. Because I won’t disappoint you.

[too-much-imagination]

It’s over.

It was over a long time ago.

But now I say it’s over.

It’s over for me. And I think this is the best thing that could happen to me - finally stopping dreaming about us and dwelling on our past.

It was over a long time ago.

Now it’s over for me.

Even though you said you couldn’t be with me, I have to ask:

Is it over for you?

I’d like to see you struggle to answer this question, I’d like to hear your awkward mumbling. Because I know the truth. I know what you’re doing with any boy you meet now. I know what you’re telling them.

You do everything to forget that still

it’s not over for you.

[too-much-imagination]

I was taking a test today. I finished writing but I always stay a little longer just in case. I started to look around the classroom and I could feel that something was drawing my eyes. It was him. He was staring at me. He was staring at me.

It’s funny because when I looked at him he looked away and lowered his head over the test immediately. Like a child.

I’m so satisfied by that situation.

It is clear that I’m becoming better. It is clear that he’s not going to be on top of the class anymore. I’m going to take his place. It is just a matter of time.

So yeah, you can stare at me however long you want. It will bring me nothing but pure pleasure.

[too-much-imagination]

As usual, some men can’t stand it when a woman is independent, not focused on them, horribly inteligent and educated and who has connections and friends almost in every field.

Hypatia; John Watkiss, 2003

[too-much-imagination]

There’s no destination, no fate.

People aren’t born to be somebody, they’re just born. They grow, they learn and do what they like or need to do.

There’s no destiny.

Please, tell me there’s no destiny.

Because she told me that even if we’re not together, we are destined for each other. For ever.

And this hope is too heavy to carry all the time. All these years.

[too-much-imagination]

Almost there

April 23, 1929 Journals of Anais Nin 1927-1931  [volume 4]

[too-much-imagination]

I’m tired.

But I cannot stop studying. I just can’t.

I have to know as much as possible. I have to pass these exams with the highest grades.

I just have to.

Like I always do.

Because I always do.

[too-much-imagination]

I was meant to be a lover.

But I’m so lonely now.

[too-much-imagination]

Plan for next four months: study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study.

Drink coffee and water, eat healthy, give up on sweets, work out every second day, do face masks and peelings, take care of my mental health.

And study study study.

[too-much-imagination]

I want to love. I want to love someone so badly.

It’s not about being loved.

It’s about loving.

I want to be in love.

[too-much-imagination]

There are no excuses. There’s only your laziness.

You can do it with a head ache, you can do it without that one certain book, you can do it no matter what.

But no, you chose to lie on your bed and scroll mindlessly on your phone.

Wake up, get up, focus, think for fuck’s sake.