too-much-imagination

[too-much-imagination]

Salome; Francesc Masriera Manovens, 1888

Salome’s Dance; Leopold Schmutzler, 1905-1907

[too-much-imagination]

Tomorrow’s my first day at university. I have to make it work.

I have to be as good as I was in high school.

No. I have to be better. I have to get higher and higher, be smarter, more organised, more focused, more disciplined.

I have high hopes so don’t disappoint me, please. Because I won’t disappoint you.

[too-much-imagination]

It’s over.

It was over a long time ago.

But now I say it’s over.

It’s over for me. And I think this is the best thing that could happen to me - finally stopping dreaming about us and dwelling on our past.

It was over a long time ago.

Now it’s over for me.

Even though you said you couldn’t be with me, I have to ask:

Is it over for you?

I’d like to see you struggle to answer this question, I’d like to hear your awkward mumbling. Because I know the truth. I know what you’re doing with any boy you meet now. I know what you’re telling them.

You do everything to forget that still

it’s not over for you.

[too-much-imagination]

I was taking a test today. I finished writing but I always stay a little longer just in case. I started to look around the classroom and I could feel that something was drawing my eyes. It was him. He was staring at me. He was staring at me.

It’s funny because when I looked at him he looked away and lowered his head over the test immediately. Like a child.

I’m so satisfied by that situation.

It is clear that I’m becoming better. It is clear that he’s not going to be on top of the class anymore. I’m going to take his place. It is just a matter of time.

So yeah, you can stare at me however long you want. It will bring me nothing but pure pleasure.

[too-much-imagination]

As usual, some men can’t stand it when a woman is independent, not focused on them, horribly inteligent and educated and who has connections and friends almost in every field.

Hypatia; John Watkiss, 2003

[too-much-imagination]

There’s no destination, no fate.

People aren’t born to be somebody, they’re just born. They grow, they learn and do what they like or need to do.

There’s no destiny.

Please, tell me there’s no destiny.

Because she told me that even if we’re not together, we are destined for each other. For ever.

And this hope is too heavy to carry it all the time. All these years.

[too-much-imagination]

Almost there

April 23, 1929 Journals of Anais Nin 1927-1931  [volume 4]

[too-much-imagination]

I’m tired.

But I cannot stop studying. I just can’t.

I have to know as much as possible. I have to pass these exams with the highest grades.

I just have to.

Like I always do.

Because I always do.

[too-much-imagination]

I was meant to be a lover.

But I’m so lonely now.

[too-much-imagination]

Plan for next four months: study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study.

Drink coffee and water, eat healthy, give up on sweets, work out every second day, do face masks and peelings, take care of my mental health.

And study study study.

[too-much-imagination]

I want to love. I want to love someone so badly.

It’s not about being loved.

It’s about loving.

I want to be in love.

[too-much-imagination]

There are no excuses. There’s only your laziness.

You can do it with a head ache, you can do it without that one certain book, you can do it no matter what.

But no, you chose to lie on your bed and scroll mindlessly on your phone.

Wake up, get up, focus, think for fuck’s sake.

[too-much-imagination]

I need someone who will see me. I need someone who will see right through me.

I need someone that loves me passionately, intensely.

Most ardently.

I equally need someone who loves me slowly, patiently, sensually.

I dream of somebody being ready to be with me no matter what.

Somebody who would have gone with me to the end. Into the very fires of Mordor.

I don’t want a holiday fling, a weird and awkward feeling, a casual and basic relationship.

I want love. And by love I mean loyalty, courage, understanding. By love I mean smile, laughter and a warm hand on my shoulder. I want commitment, devotion.

I need the purest affection. The most genuine feeling.

One more thing…

I desperately need somebody to give all of that to. Because my heart is prepared. Waiting.

[too-much-imagination]

Sylvia Plath

[too-much-imagination]

I have to study. I have to play the piano. I have to read. I have to write. I have to think.

I have to be better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better.

[too-much-imagination]

I’ve just realised that if you really care about someone you wish that person the best. You’re glad that they’re happy in an other relationship. You don’t have a grudge against them. You’re happy that they’re happy even if you’re not the source of this joy. You’re glad that they smile even if they’re looking into someone else’s eyes.

You can sometimes feel pain, ache in your chest because of that. But what important is that you care about the wellbeing of that person - despite that you’re not the reason why they’re happy.

[too-much-imagination]

This is how I’ve been looking since Monday and how I’ll look for the next three days. I’m panicking slightly.

Please, let me be better than ever on all of these tests.