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[tobeabetterwoman]

Stress Will Be Stress

Didn’t add a post for yesterday because I was incredibly busy with work, since a colleague was out and I had to pick up the slack. I’m pretty new to my position so I wasn’t completely comfortable with filling in BUT you won’t learn if you won’t try. Was okay overall. Stayed positive and didn’t let the stress get to me. Sure I didn’t have a chance to even use the bathroom once but I got a ton done and learned some new things. Things I’d usually drink away and forget. 

Was happy to come to an understanding between hubbs and I about re-setting. The way I feel about it now is less of a “fuck you. I’m going to show you how sober I can be! Just you see!” and more of a “at this point, with or without your support I’m doing this shit for me”. I reached that point that I wasn’t at before. I kept trying and trying to do it for him. And failing and failing over again because maybe it wasn’t enough for me. I won’t even try to go inside my head and begin the thought process of what an asshole I am for taking this long or being selfish or not doing it for my son because non of that shit matters right fucking now. What matters now is I’m still staying sober. I’m the chick who doesn’t drink. Who doesn’t NEED to drink. Who can be who she is and fuck whoever doesn’t like me any other way.  

In the grand scheme of it all, what I want from a lifetime of living is to live and stop allowing myself to live around what makes everyone else comfortable. Oh, and to not be lazy about it. That’d be nice too. Every day is work. It’s just less scary work now. Staying mindful of that today. 

[tobeabetterwoman]

Another Day Another Chance To Prove

Received a passive aggressive note from my husband with the takeaway being I can’t forgive you, I won’t forget and I’m done. However the note asks for me to decide what to do. 

Now, what this does is tell me that this person has checked out but would rather I end things. The note asked to be put in his shoes. Often, I have asked him the same thing. Where he is intentionally trying to bring me down, punish me, I was also punishing myself when I drank. 

At this point, I’m done punishing myself. He can’t hurt me any more than I’ve already hurt myself. The thing is, what else can I do at this point other than not drink? I literally have nothing but time to answer anything. I can’t make the future happen any faster. I can’t make things better magically. What I can do is make sure I’m doing what’s right for me by not drinking. Using coping tools I know will help and pushing all of this negativity far away from me. The LAST thing someone who is trying not to drink needs is someone telling them that it won’t last. That I’ll just go back to my old ways. That I’m predictable. I’m strong but please don’t also fucking throw extra weight on me. That’s life though. I don’t get to choose when things get to be easy on me. Right now, they’re not. This is exactly my test to show that I won’t buckle anymore. Big girl panties activate! 

One fucking day at a time it is and these are some long days ahead. So be it. Bring it. 

[tobeabetterwoman]

4/1 - I Wish This Was A Joke

So what I thought might happen but was hoping not to happen did. My husband barely wants to engage in any conversation with me but agreed to hangout. (why?) After nothing but one word answers and my mind swirling with questions as to why someone would opt to spend time with someone they resent and hate SO much, I asked to be dropped off. There is so much pain right now. Pain that is deep and hurtful and all-consuming. Pain that I don’t know will get any better.

Of course the first thing I want to do is drown out my thoughts. I can’t. I can’t do shit. I hate myself for causing this. I’m not going to drink today because I don’t need it. I need a fucking hug. I need to cry. I need to know that there’s hope for me. I can’t consume my thoughts that I’ve fucked everything up permanently. It’s too toxic. I’m toxic. I fucking hate myself so much right now.  

[tobeabetterwoman]

Another Day Another Opportunity

Ah yes, around this day of sobriety (into day 5) is all jazz hands and optimism. There’s more of a pep in my step, ideas brewing and an over-overwhelmingly idealistic attitude that tells me “why WOULD I consider drinking again?! I feel great!”.

I know that there will be one of two things that will happen. My brain will tell me “reward yourself!” and then that struggle of how I normally will reward myself will start. Luckily I have a busted toe so I can’t really go far. The other will be to keep myself ridiculously occupied. 

At this point even though I’m feeling pretty great, I’m thinking that I’m nervous that the weekend is approaching. I get really antsy on the weekend and I know during that time there is a higher percentage of me making a mistake so I like to make plans so I don’t have the downtime to think about drinking. I don’t really have any plans though, so I feel a bit anxious. Also, having extra tension around my husband and having more time around him makes me nervous. Will he ignore me? Will he only give one word answers to any statements or questions? Communication is awkward but I’m hoping in another month it can start to get better. 

Keeping to staying committed and optimistic. 

[tobeabetterwoman]

A Really Hard Road

Today I talked to my husband, who has little to no faith in me. I discussed that my cycles of doing really well and then falling off the wagon every few weeks is because I get to a point where I’m not getting any validation for what I’m doing (not drinking). I’m also feel like I’m just not getting any attention at all. It’s very isolating. That’s when I want to check out mentally. Put the thoughts away that I’m in a sort of purgatory where I get to have a husband and child but I don’t get a husband who loves me and I get a child I basically only get to spend time with on the weekends b/c I work. It feels like being punished every day. Sure, I can try to motivate myself, read positive slogans but I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I don’t know anyone in my position and I am struggling to always lift myself up. I’ve been mostly insecure my entire life and granted to lift myself up for even a few weeks with the knowledge that I am un-trusted and resented is still good for me. 

I have a therapist but she’s kind of like talking to a Grandma who reinforces ideas you already knok. Yes, I know to tell myself I’m loved. That I’ll be okay. That when I get stressed to take deep breathes. It’s just SO hard to lift myself up every day. To push down the thoughts of my past, to push down the thoughts of a future where I’ve lost everything. 

Today is a hard day. It’s only been about 4 days of my new (again) sobriety and I want to stay hopeful. I want to stay positive but I’m entertaining some negative thoughts right now. I know it’ll become easier. I know I need to focus on the fact that I have the power to change this. To take this situation and overcome. 

[tobeabetterwoman]

Starting Again... From The Last Time

Things I like about drinking: I can feel relaxed, I feel fun, energetic,  it enhances the typical situations socially or alone.  It makes me better at being social. 

Things I hate about drinking: It is a super crutch for when I feel anxious, over-whelmed, anti-social. As soon as I drink every thought of how I should approach drinking goes away. I hate that I only drink to get drunk. I hate how I act when I drink. I hate how any small amount of time I have the feeling of elation that alcohol initially gives me, that in return I feel awful, depressed, stressed for a day after.  That I will drink to the point of blacking out sometimes. What I’ve done when I’ve blacked out. I hate that even if I didn’t plan on drinking there’s always a reason in front of me to drink. Most of all, I hate drinking because if I don’t stop altogether I’m going to lose what I love the most, my family. 

You would think it would be so easy to quit since the negative clearly out-weighs the positive. The positive itself I thought was so important. I needed to be social, to be fun in order to be a better person, even if that meant I felt like crap all the time for keeping it up. I thought it was important that I reward myself for being awesome with drinks to prove I earned to “relax” or take a mental break from the endless stream of things to do, things I’m not doing and things I’m doing but failing at. 

You see, I never learned how to properly deal with stress or failure or anxiety or depression properly. What I did learn was that you mask it by shutting it out with a substance. I’m at the point where I got myself to a place where I’ve tried to stop but it seems something always stands in my way and I pick up a drink.  I have not learned. But this needs to be fucking it. 

I have something to lose and I can’t give up. I was able to stop drinking for a year twice. I need that mindset again. I do not drink. I’m not a drinker. And FUCK what other people think of me. This is MY journey and I need to make it happen. 

So here’s what I’m going to do:

- write here every day what’s going on, what I’m thinking, pain and all and if I want a drink, I’ll write about that too

- I’m not going to tell anyone that I have this blog b/c I just need this for me. I will know deep down that I am making progress and that I am not hurting anyone 

- I need to figure out a plan for rewards. 

- I need to remember no one is going to respect me until I achieve a goal. I need to earn respect. 

- I am loved.