tiredofname

[tiredofname]

How is it that the world keeps going, breathing in and out unchanged, while in my soul there is a permanent scattering?

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, from Notes on Grief

[tiredofname]

“I don’t know what they are called, the spaces between seconds — but I think of you always in those intervals.”

― Salvador Plascencia, The People of Paper

[tiredofname]

A Dying Friendship

Do you know what’s really sad? 

Realizing that you have to end a friendship with your best friend for their own happiness, and for your own. Looking in their eyes as they ramble while feeling like something has settled inside of you. Smiling even as realization hits that it’s time to part ways.

This isn’t over a big fight, or a romantic reason, it’s the affection you have for them pushing you to make a decision so that both of you could live in peace. 

It’s the feeling of acceptance with a taste of sadness because this has been your person, for so long, and now you have to slowly push them away. You have to manipulate the situation little by little to make them believe that it was just life that got in the way. That it’s what always tends to happen with people that have known each other for years, since teenagers, that “life just happened, and you lost contact.”.

Because the sad thing is that you’ve outgrown them. That you’re ready to let them go, not only for your own health because it sucks to look back, and realize you’ve always given more to the friendship than they have. That you were more of a mother than a friend. That all the plans you’ve made together will fade away in the air, and now you’ll have to do it alone. It’s better to end it quietly then let it end in disaster. The good thing is when you know you’ll leave them in good hands, that they have good friends to keep them safe, to listen to them, that they have other best friends. Being more of a mother makes you realize that it’s going to be hard on them, that you’ve been guiding them for so long that now they’re going to have to face it all alone. That you won’t be there to see them accomplish all their dreams, to see them outgrow their insecurities. 

It’s different to know that letting them go will essentially leave you alone because unlike them, you don’t have a group of friends, they’ve been your one true friend, yet it’s also freeing because now you know you’re ready to create another path where you’ll find people who truly fit your life, who understand many things that your best friend never could because both of you were the definition of opposites in every little thing. Opposite in personality, in childhoods, in mentality, etc. Everything, and now it’s time to walk different paths, and you’re the only one that knows that you can’t look back even if they try to follow. That it’s better for you both even though they’ll go on believing that you just grew apart without ever knowing that it was by choice, for their own sake. 

It’s hard, but when you finally have that feeling wash over you, you’ll realize that as hard as it is, it’s also freeing, and peaceful. Because it’s time to chose yourself than always choosing them.

[tiredofname]

It’s so crazy how you can be sobbing your eyes out at 2:30 in the morning and then wake up like nothing happened and go about your day.

[tiredofname]

you ever feel so grown up bc things aren’t the same as before. everything’s so changed and now you’re caught in the crossfire??

for a moment time stops, nostalgia never ends, and deep down there’s smth missing, smth hallow and you try to fill it up with anything but the crack is opening even more.

eventually you’ll have to press resume. even tho you can’t wrap your mind about how time passed so fast, even tho you can’t believe how one day everything, everyone, will fade into memories, and even tho it’s so damn hard to “live your best days” with people you’re so scared of losing, even tho all that you still have to wake up from the daydream.

moving on is terrifying, everyday closer to the end i lose a piece of me, i’m scared soon i’ll have nothing left to lose.

[tiredofname]

i’m trying so hard to hold onto that rope,

not to let go,

but my world is shaking,

and my hands are bleeding.

i’m tired.

[tiredofname]

what it is to wake up everyday,

and question your purpose?

your goals,

your beliefs,

your actions,

basically your life. 

you don’t have an answer to any “why” question in your head, and you feel utterly helpless. 

you wake up now and there’s a new test everyday 

they’re waiting,

watching,

will you fail today?

or will you pass with a low mark?

will you crumble over and give up?

or will you bear small scratches and survive?

everyday,

i’m being tested beyond what i’ve known as my limits. 

because what are limitations when you’re in a constant, exhausting, and energy-draining battle with life??

i got a lot of days when life was beating my ass 

only difference this time,

i don’t have time to recover from the bruises when i feel another hit coming. 

and i don’t think i’ll ever recover from the trauma either.

[tiredofname]

You were unsure which pain is worse - the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.

Simon Van Boy, Everything Beautiful Began After

[tiredofname]

I saw that nothing was permanent. You don’t want to possess anything that is dear to you because you might lose it.

Yoko Ono

[tiredofname]

i'm sorry i built

a home out of you

like you were made of clay.

i didn't realize you had

no intention of

inviting me to stay.

[tiredofname]

I can say with great certainty and absolute honesty that I did not know what love was until I knew what love was not.

[tiredofname]

Moving forward

I met an old version of me.

I recognised her;

the chaos felt familiar.

It was almost an invitation to step back.

I just have to remind her

of how far she has come.

Just a few more layers to shed,

to break the chains of the past.

of ancient beliefs and systems.

They have to remain with the old version.

She is moving

forward.

[tiredofname]

you went.

and i didn't know what to do.

i still don't know how to grieve

and still don't know how to accept your loss.

now whenever someone is gone.

i relate it to you.

it takes me right back to the starting point.

takes me back to the sleepless nights.

takes me back to the tear-spilled pillows.

takes me back to the dark nights,

i wish to forget.

you're everywhere,

but nowhere.

i still wear your watch,

but i forgot how you used to look at it.

i still hide your shirts,

but i can't smell you in them anymore.

i still sleep in your bed,

but i wake up cold and lonely.

everything seems the same,

but without you everything has changed.

[tiredofname]

my favourite thing about writing is slipping in totally innocent lines that will absolutely DESTROY the reader on a second readthrough

[tiredofname]

"How do you tell people?

How do you tell them that you're exhausted even though you slept for 10 hours?

How do you tell them that you need a break from talking and smiling and simply being near them?

How do you tell them that although you love them, you so desperately need to be alone tonight?"

- Midnight thoughts (I'm burnt out)

[tiredofname]

Let's talk about how hard it is to open up to someone about being sad for no reason. Let's talk about how hard it is to explain to your friends and family that you have this heavy feeling in your chest for no reason. Let's talk about how hard it is to understand why you're having a panic attack while just taking a walk back home. Let's talk about how hard it is to understand your own self and how scary it is to feel like the whole world is falling on your shoulders and you have no idea why.

[tiredofname]

maybe we feel empty

because we leave pieces of ourselves

in everything we used to love.