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FF7: Random Bits 02 - Chaper 4

Setting - Zack and Cloud are introducing Inspector Baerbotamm to all the unique aspects of their new training facility, much to the Inspector's dismay]

[Location - Training field - After a brief and exciting tour of the Plain of Pain, and a mildly worrying introduction to The Course, it's off to a less stressful tour of the Main Building, or so Percival thinks.]

Zack manhandled Inspector Baerbotamm toward the army's main building. A multi-storied structure of steel and glass squatting on a blanket of grass like a diamond on velvet.

"This is the Main Building," Zack said, effortlessly pronouncing the capitals as he walked the nervous Percy up the concrete path. "It's name is 'Main Building'"

Percival followed the line of Zack's finger as it pointed his attention to the area above the entrance. Large steel letters confirmed that yes, this building was named 'Main Building'.

"We thought we'd keep things simple, to avoid any unnecessary confusion." Zack said cheerfully. He could see that this oddly pleased Percival. Points for being clear and concise had just been awarded. There was nothing more annoying to Percival Pinwinkle Baerbottam than the printed word being vague, unclear, contradictory, or worse: open to interpretation.

"Well, it certainly is very correct!" Percival responded, a note of satisfaction creeping into his voice.

"Well, we kind of had to make sure everything was very simply and clearly labeled."

"Especially for the Cadets," Cloud interjected. "Since some of them come in needing 'front' and 'back' written on their underwear."

"Oh, my..." Percival said, sounding dismayed.

"Yeah," Zack agreed," We decided it would be a good idea after all that trouble with that one Cadet..." he ended with an ellipsis, a tempting trail of conversational breadcrumbs left to entice the Inspector's timid sense of curiosity.

Percival was quite certain that he didn't want to know what 'all that trouble' meant. Surely, it would involve something disastrous, disruptive, or--gods forbid--unstructured! His fragile sense of Spontaneity, Adventure, and Free-spiritedness huddled in the corner and screamed in panic as Curiosity said, "I'll just take a little peek..." and reached for the doorknob of their Panic Room.

"What sort of trouble?" Percival found himself asking in spite of his better judgment.

"Weeeeell," Zack replied "Let's just say we had to write 'Goes on Head' on his uniform caps, and 'Goes on A**' on his underwear."

"Goodness gracious!"

"He got the hang of it, eventually." Zack assured him as they climbed the short set of concrete steps," It seemed that his 'confusion' was just due to a bad case of Petty Obstinance. It took about three days, but his malady was completely cured after intensive treatment using a rather...unconventional method."

"Oh?" Percy said weakly. He was beginning to dislike ellipses.

"Oh, yes. We cured him by allowing him to wear his underwear on his head. *After* his platoon mate, who just so happened to have a medical condition causing excessive sweating, got done wearing them."

Percival's stomach shriveled up and gave Curiosity a fiery glare as it peeked sheepishly from behind the door, while his other sensibilities had a group vomit in the corner. The rest of his faculties mounted a desperate search for the fabled Brain Bleach, which was rumored to have the ability to scrub away even the most horrific mental image.

A sudden blast of cool air distracted Percy from his inner turmoil. Zack and Cloud had just ushered him through the double glass doors of the Main Building.

Percival was rather impressed, in spite of himself. The lobby was tidy, spacious, and brightly lit by both natural light and pleasantly old-fashioned incandescent light fixtures and furnished in cozy, somewhat informal furniture pieces that punched Percy right in the nostalgia. It was an odd mix of clean and warm elements that undulated up to Percival's ear and breathed in a seductive whisper like a fancy perfume commercial: 'organizaaation!'

"You okay, Percy?" Zack asked as Percival shivered, and his eyebrows did a little wiggle.

"Er...Oh, yes. Quite. I was just, er, admiring the design."

"I know, it's great, right? Much more 'homey' and inviting than the old one!" Zack said, pleased.

"I especially like the floor," Percy continued, his attention glued to the lobby floor like a magpie with a shiny bauble. "It's so clean and glossy!"

"It's polished every day with the tears of Cadets and SOLDIERs," Zack said. "It seems like the saltier the tears, the shinier-!"

A strange, halting squeak, like a squeegee on damp glass stuttered through the air, tripping into the conversation. All three men turned, ears following the auditory sputter as it grew steadily louder. Finally, from behind the reception desk's mahogany paneled wall, one of the ELITEs appeared in his wolf form, slowly dragging his backside across the floor.

Percival's hands flew to his mouth, stifling a sound that was half a gasp and half a gag.

Wrapped up in proctologial locomotion the ELITE let out a startled yelp as he was abruptly grabbed by the scruff and a deceptively calm voice hissed into his fluffy ear, "What by Minerva's bra straps do you think you are doing?"

The wolf tried to play dead in the hopes that Cloud's ELITE form's preference for moving victims would make him lose interest. No such luck. Cloud hissed, a sound like a cross between a snake hiss and a piece of paper being violently ripped in half, and gave the ELITE a hard shake.

"Did I just see you butt-surfing across my floor, leaving your butt-pucker streaks where I have to walk?" Cloud said in that calm, off-handed tone that eventually even Cadets learned to fear.

The wolf whined again and attempted to grovel, but deep down, he knew there was no getting out of this mess unscathed. Hope of a mild punishment bloomed on the wolf's face as Cloud sent a passing SOLDIER off to Janitorial for a bottle of cleaner. The wolf even went so far as to relax as the bottle was brought, and Cloud lightly spritzed the floor with it. This wasn't going to be so bad after all! It looked like he was just going to have to clean the floor. That wasn't going to be too hard!

Hope withered as Cloud gave the soiled floor a final misting, then grabbing the wolf by two handfuls of back fur, turned to the 3rd Class SOLDIER who had brought the cleaner and asked "What do we do when faced with hardship, Private?"

The SOLDIER snapped to attention and screamed "Improvise, Adapt, Overcome, Sir!"

Cloud nodded and said, "Well, Private, seeing as I lack proper cleaning equipment, I will just have to improvise." Then, without even a grunt, Cloud gave a heave, slapped the wolf down on the floor, and proceeded to use him as an impromptu mop. When he was done, Cloud dismissed the wolf, now damp and smelling of lemony fresh pine trees, sending him scurrying off, tail tucked, and belly low to the ground. It could have been worse, the canine part of him thought. He could have used The Rolled Up Newspaper!

With the minor interruption cleaned up, Zack led Percival down the hall behind the reception desk, pointing to the hallways leading off to the left and right.

"The left wing contains the Infirmary, storage, and the Lab, and the right wing contains the cadets' barracks and officers' apartments. The President's office and rooms are in the upper floors of the Main Building, along with the administrative offices, lounges, and other boring stuff." Zack said as they started down the main hallway. He pointed out the important places, even though they were clearly labeled.

"That is the Assembly Hall, the Recreation Room, the Restrooms, that's the door to the gardens, and this," Zack said in a very quiet whisper as they started coming up on a plain, unobtrusive door. "Is the janitor's closet where Corporal Wharton arranges what he thinks are 'secret' canoodles because he doesn't know that practically the whole base knows he's banging the President's secretary."

"My goodness!" Percival whispered, scandalized. "That is most certainly against regulations! He should have been reprimanded a long time ago!"

"Oh, I agree," Zack whispered with a sly grin as they paused a good distance away. "But I need solid proof, and not just hearsay."

A playful titter fluttered out from behind the door. Zack motioned to Cloud, and they both flattened themselves dramatically up against the wall. Zack put a finger in his ear as if using an invisible earpiece and whispered. "Alpha Wolf to Paper Snake, the fox is in the hen house, over!"

"Paper Snake to-! Wait, why am I 'Paper Snake'?" Cloud asked, sounding slightly offended.

"Dude, have you heard yourself hiss?"

"So? I don't want to be 'Paper Snake'. That sounds like a kid's toy! I want a cool code name too!"

"Fine, you can be 'Danger Noodle'"

"That's not any-!"

"Alpha Wolf to Danger Noodle, I'm going in! Repeat, I'm going in!"

Zack made a few hand signals and then started crawling towards the door. He paused and hopped into a crouch behind an invisible bush, making a show of looking around before rolling out from behind the bush to take cover behind an invisible tree. Cloud made the signal for 'all clear', and Zack waved and began moving again. Arms held out to the sides, he proceeded down the hallway, taking long, exaggerated steps with two little skips in between. You could practically hear the Pink Panther theme playing in the background. He pulled up next to the door, which giggled again, and silently gripped the handle before looking back at Cloud and Percival. Cloud nodded and gave the 'ok' signal.

In one fluid motion, Zack pushed down the handle and yanked the door open. There was a pair of surprised screams as a Second Class SOLDIER fell out of the closet at Zack's feet. A disheveled young woman in a rumpled white blouse and equally wrinkled gray pencil skirt bolted out of the closet, clearing the fallen man with a surprisingly athletic leap before rabbiting away.

"Corporal Wharton!" Zack greeted the man cheerfully. "Finally got caught with our pants down, did we? Wipe that cheeky grin off your face, SOLDIER-! Oh, my bad, that's not your face! On your feet and stand at attention, Corporal!"

Corporal Wharton flipped over and shot to his feet, standing at stiff attention. There was a long moment of silence in which Wharton began sweating nervously. Zack stared him in the eye, unblinking. He could see Wharton thinking: All those horror stories...are they true?!

Zack Shifted into his half-form. His black wolf ears and tail were held proudly and at a dominant angle. He growled and gave Wharton a grin with fangs in it.

Wharton instinctively looked away.

"You know the rules against fraternizing while on duty, especially with the President's personal secretary." Zack growled. Wharton swallowed hard and managed a passable. "Sir, yes, Sir!"

Zack snapped his fingers, and one of his Mako wolves materialized at his side. "You will be escorted to your rooms, Corporal, where you will remain until this matter is handled."

Corporal Wharton saluted, brown eyes staring straight ahead in terror. "Sir, yes, sir!"

"And pull up your pants, Corporal!"

"Sir, yes, sir!"

Zack Shifted back and turned to Percival and Cloud, grinning happily. "Alpha Wolf to Danger Noodle, Mission was a success! Repeat, Mission was a success!'

"Copy that, Alpha Wolf." Danger Noodle replied.

Zack patted Percival on the shoulder. He looked a little unsettled, which was nothing new. The man seemed to live in a state of perpetual anxiety, but he was looking a little more anxious than usual.

Better get him that drink fast, Zack thought Before Cloud ends up having to mop again! Percival's eyebrows twitched nervously as they walked to the end of the hallway and stopped at the double doors under the sign "Mess Hall".

"Here we are, the Mess Hall!" Zack said, flinging open the double doors with flair, to reveal a room with long rows of tables split in two columns. At the tables were more of the large wolves Percival had seen earlier. They were all crouching over the tables, muzzles buried in their chow bowls.

"Oh my Shiva!" Percival squeaked in horror, "There are dogs at the tables!"

Cloud and Zack both winced, and hissed "Shhhhh!"

"We dont use the 'd' word around here!" Zack whispered with a grimace of distaste.

"The 'd' word?"

"Dog,", Zack clarified. "That's a four-letter word around here,"

"A three letter, four-letter word," Cloud added.

"But..."

"These are wolves, not dogs. Calling a wolf a dog is an insult. It's like calling someone..." Zack leaned over and whispered one of the worst, most profanity ridden insults he knew into the Inspector's ear.

Percival's face took on an almost corpse like pallor as the color drained from his face, his very blood trying to get as far from his ears as possible.

"Acceptable alternatives are 'doggo', 'pupper', and 'majestic floof'" Zack continued as Percival tried to regain his mental balance.

"But, there are animals in the Mess Hall!" Percy replied, clinging to his love of rules like a security blanket, while his sensibilities gagged as he imagined layers of dog, er, majestic floof hair covering every surface in the room, drifting in the air in clouds, and peppering the food.

"It's against Health Regulations!"

"It's cool," Cloud said smoothly, "They're Service Animals, so they're allowed."

"Yeah, we don't discriminate here." Zack added.

"But, the hair!" Percival insisted.

Zack heaved a mental sigh. This guy was way too uptight! "Oh, well, if that's all you're worried about,"

Zack turned, whistled loud and sharp, and barked "Shift!"

All the wolves immediately turned into men, three of which briefly continued to eat with their faces in their bowls before their brains nudged them and whispered Psst! Wrong shape!, and they sheepishly picked up their spoons and continued eating.

"I-is that dogfood?!" Percival asked in a scandalized gasp as he witnessed one of the Mess Hall servers slap a heap of mixed canned and dry dogfood into a bowl for a waiting ELITE.

"Top shelf quality!" Zack said with pride.

You're feeding the men dogfood?"

"Well, they are animals," Cloud interjected.

"But-!"

"It's nutritionally balanced, is high protein, and it's only served to the ELITEs." Zack said, taking pity on the high-strung man. "I can get you the formula from the nutritionist, along with the research notes. The notes are pretty interesting, and they detail the research methods quite extensively."

The mention of formulas and carefully recorded notes seemed to appease Baerbotamm, at least a tiny bit. He stopped vibrating like a plucked bowstring, and his eyebrows suddenly unscrunched in a twisting motion that made Cloud so uneasy that an inovluntary hiss ripped its way from his throat.

It startled Percival so badly that he appeared to just teleport to the opposite side to the room like a bad special effect.

"Woahwoahwoah!" Zack said, looking back and forth between a bristling Cloud and a jittery Percy. "Let's dial it back a little!"

Cloud muttered an embarrassed apology while Percival maintained his death grip on his clipboard, which he was clutching like a terrified Duchess clutching her pearls.

"How about we get a drink, huh?" Zack said, extending the proverbial olive branch before Barebotamm shook himself to pieces.

By now, Percy's nerves had gone from merely jangling to fraying. He desperately wanted to go back to his tidy, quiet office where rules were respected and not changed with total disregard all willy-nilly. But he couldn't just leave! He had an inspection to complete, which had been assigned to him by the President himself.

"Come on, Percy, drinks are on me and Spiky," Zack said, giving the olive branch an encouraging shake. "You'll be doing us a favor. We need someone official to inspect the bar. I mean, it is part of the Army."

A raw nerve whispered to Percival that maybe, this time, it would be acceptable to have a drink while on duty. Just one would certainly be alright. And besides, the host had offered. Then it made up some very convincing BS about etiquette and social interactions, which it submitted in triplicate along with some official looking sources that had just enough truth about them to avoid being categorized as outright lies.

"Do...you happen to have a good dark stout?" Percival inquired meekly.

"We sure do!" Zack affirmed happily.

The olive branch had been accepted, and the party took a good twenty minutes thoroughly inspecting the bottoms of two bottles and a pint. Percival even inspected a second pint, just to be sure that the drinks were up to par.

Once the beverage inspection was complete and had earned an A+, a visibly less frazzled Percival Pinwinkle Baerbotamm was escorted to the next part of the tour.

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