timberfigure

[timberfigure]

you said you wanted someone willing to go to war for you; I went in your name, with your banner waving above my head, only to find you on the other end of the battlefield.

[timberfigure]

here are my hands, sweetheart. i give them as a reminder of my love for you. these hands will work for you and bleed. they will cook for you and make art for you. they will hold you when you ask and break themselves when you need them to. this abstraction is my dedication. take my hands, sweetheart. the rest of me is here as well. take whatever of me serves you.

[timberfigure]

I will heal through loving, not as an exchange. I will heal through loving when it is returned to me and when it is not. If all of the earth receives all of my heart and still turns its back to me, I will still heal. This is my resolve, my core, and my prescription.

[timberfigure]

a fear of ghosts makes me terrified of anyone who dwells in my past. my fear of angels makes me fear you more than anyone.

[timberfigure]

I'm the only contact on your phone without my real name and I hate to admit that I didn’t save yours until the 6th date. Calling it a date might be generous if we meet after 11 and neither of us attempts to communicate. I still find myself washing both of our clothes in the morning. I know you well enough to make your latte; and short pull. I love being an artist cuz I set my own schedule, today I’ll leave before you're up cuz all our battles are uphill.

[timberfigure]

June has danced her way into her grave; yet still, I am here.

[timberfigure]

she said she's gonna do this part alone and for the first night in 3 years i don't walk her home. tell me it would mean something to you if i carried your soul. cold nights lost while snow piles up will you fold?

[timberfigure]

I love you, and you know it. I believe that is why you are unable to meet my eyes.

[timberfigure]

I have a hard time romanticizing death but to die in a bed that you visit every day I can idealize. A blanket that smells like you and a bedside table with the candles you love. A window with the same natural light that woke you up every morning. I get weaker and slower. My words are more delicate every day but I'll say as many as possible. It is terrifying to go slowly; you have to think about passing for much longer than you should. And I have a hard time romanticizing death but to die in a bed that you visit every day I can idealize.

[timberfigure]

every time I tell someone I love them, I can taste you in the back of my throat.

[timberfigure]

i started growing a garden the same month we met. i broke your heart and i watched as the flowers wept. i gave it a month. you gave it a text. rotated the crops, us, our final rest.

[timberfigure]

I’m over it, I think. Past it, mostly. But I fear one day I will walk past a stranger wearing your perfume and be brought to my knees.

[timberfigure]

im not fond of your brutal honesty. it is more brutal than what the truth could be. you attached daggers to words and called it a necessity.

[timberfigure]

He said he finally figured out what was wrong with me. Lilith and her friend were forbidden to enter the garden. There are no lovers in paradise. There is no room for error. She would make the space impure with her love. That is what I was told. I saw them together outside the metal gates. They were loving each other. They held no sin; they embraced only each other. He said it was selfish. They chose each other over him. I really cannot blame them. He clearly chose himself over them. He said I am not his if I were to love my own. I cannot blame him. I clearly chose myself over him.

[timberfigure]

winter brought me bloom, now spring has brought me rot; you’ve turned my very existence backwards.

[timberfigure]

A baby entering the world will hear another infant cry and emulate it. You always said that we are innately evil; you said that empathy is a learned trait. I've found that it is one of the few traits that is not learned. I think you unlearned it on purpose. I think you want the world to be like you, so you call it evil.

[timberfigure]

This time of year we pause and suffer in retrospect. Everyone is talking about the people they loved 6 months ago. I never cared for it; I miss who I was 6 months ago. I hate to tell him that he will not become the dream he has been dwelling on. I hate to tell him that nothing works out. I hate to tell him that I am suffering in retrospect yet again, and writing a letter to a version of me that has passed on. That boy will keep dreaming in heaven. I keep a light on for the children I have been. I am not them now, they are not returning, and I remember them as friends. I love them still. I will honor their brief time on earth with a candle and a prayer.