till-i-can-be-calm

[till-i-can-be-calm]

Hiba Abu Nada, from I Grant You Refuge (trans. Huda Fakhreddine)

Hiba Abu Nada was a novelist, poet, and educator. She wrote this poem on Oct. 10th, 2023. She died a martyr, killed in her home in south Gaza by an Israeli raid on Oct. 20th, 2023. She was 32 years old.

[till-i-can-be-calm]

"A Mirror of Our Childhood."

I saw a little sister and big brother playing today.

She hovered curiously,

As he played with his older friends.

And slightly annoyed,

He said, "go play."

She wanted to say hi to you,

Hug you I'm sure,

Even if she didn't know how to ask that,

Because he'd be embarrassed.

Knowing from the times she tried in the past.

So she hovered curiously.

Seeing her hover, now nervously,

He knew she just wanted a reminder,

That he loved her.

So he chased her,

And they laughed,

Until she ran to play with some other thing.

I saw a little sister and big brother playing today.

It felt like a mirror of our childhood.

It reminded me of you.

×+ ticbc ♡

[till-i-can-be-calm]

The tragedy of girls and their best friends from childhood.

It's never throwing away that bracelet she gave you. It's much too small for you now but to bin it would be a betrayal to what it meant.

It's remembering how time felt like it wouldn't move in childhood. It's remembering how you and her felt like forever. The bounce of the trampoline, the pleats in the hair, the wind in your face while you played. You could swear you were still with her.

It's the sleepovers, the long nights making dances, staying up late for the first time. It's holding in your laughter, so her parents don't hear. It's the 'she told me not to tell anyone but, of course, l'm going to tell you'.

It's knowing her better than you know yourself. It's wanting to see each other as much as you can. It's the melding together, the struggle to tell where you begin, and she ends.

It's the first type of love you know.

It's aging and moving away. It's going to the same school but drifting away. It's trying to stay in contact, but no one has the time now. It's realising she's went out with friends without asking if you wanted to go.

It's the ache you feel whenever her photo appears on Instagram. It's the brief conversations you have with her on the streets, with the promises of catching up one day. It's watching time move more rapid and realising you haven't spoke to each other in five years.

It’s knowing she knew you in a way no one ever could. Mourning for the loss of what it meant to be known briefly.

It's the first type of heartbreak you know.

[till-i-can-be-calm]

“we have not talked in a while, but it does not matter. reply my messages when you can. you will make tea and i will call you and we will talk to midnight while it’s raining outside.”

— we will be fine. // aumirah

[till-i-can-be-calm]

in a friend, i find love concentrated in the strength of their grip. their glance when making sure they didn't lose me in a crowd, putting food for me on my plate, offering me the last bits of a snack we shared, the anger settled on their brows when they heard someone wronged me. it's all love. i have it and there's nothing more beautiful to me in this entire universe.

[till-i-can-be-calm]

Ellen Bass, “The Thing Is”

[till-i-can-be-calm]

"Streetlights"

Walking in the dark doesn't seem so bad

Watching from afar, I watch streetlights pass

Looking ahead I see it there waiting for me

A streetlight ready to set me free.

Maybe I fear it, maybe I don't

I'll never know still light shines below

On my head and into my heart

Maybe I fear it, maybe I don't.

Streetlights are a scary thing

People try to avoid them all the time

Streetlights are a mean theme

No one wants to face them.

I look afar and see one waiting for me

A streetlight prepared to set me free

My steps hesitate and my breath hitches

I hyperventilate and my skin itches

I'm terrified of what is to come.

The light is so bright what may it do?

Will I walk away from it as a person anew?

Or will I stay under it for all eternity

Never wanting to leave the warm, comforting light

Because once you know the comfort of a light

You're never the same when walking in the night.

You just want to stay in a hospitable spot

Where you can just stay and everything stops

But everyone else walks in the dark ahead

Yet you're stuck with the light and the thoughts in your head

This is what makes the streetlights a scary thing.

Suddenly, I realized I could see my shoes so clearly–

×+ ticbc ♡

[till-i-can-be-calm]

"I Hope Your Heart Stops Bleeding"

If your heart is bleeding,

And your eyes fail to identify,

The person that is weeping,

The person that fails to lie.

I hope your heart stops bleeding,

Away with endless time.

'Cause you deserve much more than bleeding,

You deserve a happy time.

×+ ticbc ♡