tikser

[tikser]

“I know. I was there. I saw the great void in your soul, and you saw mine.”

— Sebastian Faulks

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<3

Night lovell - still cold / pathway private

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i hate that kind of sadness where your chest physically hurts

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Today I dreamt of beating up my brother.

I made him bleed and cry.

But still loved him.

Then I realized I am just as fckd up and toxic as my mother.

I hope that I will be different.

And that I won’t repeat those physical abusive mistakes.

Cause I won’t anything to do with her now.

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My mother was so unhappy with my dad that she wanted to make me the perfect husband by beating it into me.

Now I am half woman half man lol.

[tikser]

Summoned to this world to lead a prickly life.

My love and attachment died when I was young.

Love, hate, rage and sadness dominated my world from the beginning of my life.

A loving mother with a lot of issues and an absent father without much care.

I never wanted to be home. Because being home meant conflict, shouting, screaming and violence.

Even then I was loved.

But this love came with a lot of pain. Pain that I couldn’t stand as a child.

Pain that left when my parents got divorced.

The pain left my world and so did my love.

All that was left was emptiness and the feeling of being not enough. I felt like the world hates me.

And when everyone hates you so do you hate yourself as well.

A fight for my life. A fight for staying alive. A fight to find reasons to keep on living.

Dreaming of things that seem unreachable. Dreaming for something that will heal my pain.

I became emotionally dead and tried to be a lovable person. A person that won’t be hated. Someone that will make you smile and felt loved.

But this couldn’t make me happier. The sadness remains and the empty feeling never fades.

Being without emotions for the longest time and not caring about anything.

I got up again and tried to face my feelings. I tried to let go of the things that were tormenting me. But my thoughts were endless.

No time to stop thinking about my past. Living in the past. Cursing the past. And cursing the present as well.

After letting my sadness go for almost 13 years, rage got a hold of me. But I’m not an angry man. I am a sad man. I can’t stand angry for too long because that is not who I am.

But the anger helped me to let go a bit and to try to live for the future again.

Now I am still sad.

And I got a little angry.

But at least I am living for the future now.

The depressions still remains but the anxiety and the issues left.

Now I can try to be happy and I can try to be me again.

~TiK

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