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Marianne, opening the door to her hotel room to find Claude & Hilda there: What are you guys doing here?

Claude : Hey, what’s it look like we’re doing?

Marianne: Um, breaking into my room and watching “Days of Our Lives”.

Hilda, eating a snack: “Young and Restless”.

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Dimitri: The team broke up. We’re toast.

Claude: Broke up? Like- Like a band? Like the Beatles?

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Marianne: Nothing left to do here but get depressed.

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Ingrid: You know, when Professor Byleth comes over, Dimitri can get a little…

Sylvain: Psycho?

Annette: Scary?

Mercedes: Drunk?

Felix: All three.

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Ingrid: ......

Ingrid: This date is boring.

Felix: This isn’t a date. I said I was going to the market.

Ingrid: Then why did you invite me?

Felix: I didn’t. I specifically said ‘Don’t come with me.’ And you said, ‘Fuck you, Felix. I do what I want,’ and got in the carriage.

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Hubert: I know we’ve always had this unspoken rivalry.

Byleth: It’s not a rivalry, you’re just always mean to me. And it's not unspoken, you talk about it all the time.

Hubert: Anyway, since we’re stuck together until the carriage is fixed, I figured we could at least be civil.

Edelgard: Hey, can someone-

Hubert: I’ll do it! I’ll do it better!

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Dimitri: Me? Jealous?

Dimitri: Absolutely.

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Claude: So yeah, Edelgard's good now.

Dimitri: She tried to kill me!

Claude: Me too, you're not special!

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Felix: Idiot! Why did you put on so much make up if you’re just going to sweat it off when you go into battle?

Ingrid:…But I’m not wearing any make up?

Felix:

Felix: Fuck, you’re gorgeous.

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Claude: Haha, you’re short.

Lysithia: I will saw off your limbs while you sleep you coward.

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Byleth: [flirts with Edelgard]

Hubert: [staring at them silently]

Dorothea: You’re really quiet today, Hubert.

Hubert: [still staring] Nobody plans a murder out loud.

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Byleth: I want to see us grow old together.

Dimitri: Are you assuming I want to live?

Byleth: ... Are you ok?

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Annette: You heard me! I will kick your ass to Mars! You have been warned!

Dedue: Dear, please get inside, you're only 5'1", and you cried last week when we ran out of cookies and milk

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Ingrid: Oh, my God! Felix, you're bleeding out! Quick, what's your type?

Felix: Bright yellow hair, strong, can stand up to me--

Ingrid: Your blood type, you idiot!

Felix: Oh. Red? *passes out*

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Edelgard, walking downstairs: Is something burning..?

Byleth, leaning seductively against the counter: Just my desire for you.

Edelgard: Professor, the toaster is on fire.

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Lorenz: So my mom asked me, “is your ex already seeing someone else?”

Lorenz: AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN ASK ABOUT /ME/

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Mercedes: I’ll speak french between your legs.

Sylvain: That’s… the hottest thing I’ve ever been told.

Dimitri: I’m just picturing someone screaming ‘BONJOUR!’ at a penis.

Ashe: SACRE BLEU MADEMOISELLE VAGINA HON HON HON TITTY CROISSANTS

Annette: TITTY CROISSANTS

Ingrid: Literally none of you should be having sex, ever.