thoughtsofayoungwomanblog-blog

[thoughtsofayoungwomanblog-blog]

“Real depression isn't being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is when everything in your life is going right.”

[thoughtsofayoungwomanblog-blog]

My Wrongs

I am toxic.  I am aware of my destructive behaviors. I am always reminded of the wrong things I do to people. I play victim. I say things to make people feel bad for me. I cry and throw pity parties. I never do the right thing. I am the reason why were in the place we are in. I verbally abuse my partner and put them at an all time low. I want to feel all the pain I have given them. I want to hurt and discipline myself.

If I were looking at myself from another perspective, I wouldn’t give myself a chance. Told that not everything is my fault but as I observe my actions, I am responsible. Everything is my fault. I blame myself for everything. Once blame is already embedded in my mind, I put blame on others. 

[thoughtsofayoungwomanblog-blog]

Can’t rely on someone for all my happiness. I understand it’s not healthy but with the way my life is going, I can’t help it. 

70% of the time, my happiness is no where to be found due to my actions of “stupidity”. It is because of me. It maybe because the attention I got from previous people isn’t like theirs. I’m not use to feeling neglected in ways that aren’t right. I feel neglected for the wrong reasons my mind puts me through instead of what really happens. Why must I go through this constantly? Why must I always feel the need of someone who is always there for me. 

[thoughtsofayoungwomanblog-blog]

Just the beginning.

All my life I’ve realized that I was trying to impress the wrong people. I grew up thinking just cause someone or this group of people who have many friends do certain things, I should do them too. Become the popular kid, have the joys of being wanted. I grew up as an only child and being raised in a Filipino family, I had to be perfect. I had to make my parents proud. I did everything I could to just make them happy and proud of me. I was taking my own happiness to impress others and it took a great toll on who I am today. I hide behind my everything is okay shell but deep inside I’m just one person trying too hard to make other happy besides me. 

As I grew older, I have found someone who deeply cares about me. Someone who is also going through depression and anxiety. They helped me improve and realize things that I never even thought about or considered. As I open towards certain things in my life, I feel like I’m always wrong. I constantly apologize about things i’ve done and I get being petty or guilt tripping. I realize my issues and want to open up to this person and did but I just feel as time goes on, I feel the need to just shut up and not even talk about it because it causes more damage to the relationship. All I do is be honest and really try my best but it’s just never enough. Our personalities just don’t mix well and they made me realize that I am passive-aggressive and I think is a good thing but it’s not. The more I open up about how I feel, I set myself up for disaster. All I want is for us to be happy because they really do make me feel like something that I’ve been missing in all the previous relationships I did have. Overall things is that we’re both constantly depressed and argue on little things. Are we toxic for each other? Are we better off just leaving one another for each other’s health.. We both want to work things out and I don’t picture myself with anyone else. 

Negative thoughts always come up in my mind and create scenarios just to pull me more down into depression and it sucks that my past relationships did set me up for failure. I never had a real relationship compared to this. Surprisedly, they mention that all my relationships were basically long-term fuck buddies and when they said that, I was shocked about how true that was. That’s all I was to my ex’s and it hurt me. They used me for multiple things, they took advantage of me. Never went through real life conversations with them. Every time fights were present, we would brush it off as if nothing happened. We could basically kick it with our mutual friends and once we’re alone, they would be busy on social media and when they want, we would have sex. That’s all it was and it makes me sad that I go through that and have carry the things I’ve came across through my new relationship. I know the things that was wrong with it and when I try to fix things in ways I’ve seen my parents do or people I’ve seen do, it’s wrong. Everything I do is wrong and I am always sorry for the things I do constantly whether it’s right or wrong. 

I am a confused woman who is going through tough depression due to my past and I didn’t realize it until this year. There are times where I wish I wasn’t existent but the thought of leaving my mother hurts me but all my problems and the things I do to people will no longer affect them. As much hurt I went through, I do that to others without realizing it. If I disappeared, I will no longer be the reason why I hurt someone. I know the feeling and I try my best to fix things but nothing works out anymore.

Thoughts after relating to this person post on Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/8pdw7s/i_am_going_to_kill_myself_100_eventually_i_really/