thissummerisviolent

[thissummerisviolent]

Oh okay.

I dont want to upset him in anyway but sometimes I just cant bring myself to care. I deal with this, the way I survive this, is by shutting down, by going blank and just tanking everything. But that doesnt work here when the end goal is not me hurt and sorry. I know im not going to walk out of this conversation borderline suicidal, but my brain still reacts like its talking to my mother. And fuck that text message did not help. And now I just find myself saying the words im supposed to say and saying sorry like I destroyed someones life.

I keep forgetting Im allowed to be alive and talk about myself. Sorry.

[thissummerisviolent]

See I put this pressure on myself to be the perfect partner and perfect friend and everything. And im not very good at it but im still trying and wow am I failing. But im sooo nice im so cruel and gentle I can make you laugh. And no one is stopping me from communicating my own issues but myself, but you dont understand. I can be perfect, I can become the perfect emotionless lover, I just have to try harder.

[thissummerisviolent]

I HAVE BEEN FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGED BY YOUTUBE FISHING VIDEOS

[thissummerisviolent]

-Zoë Lianne

[thissummerisviolent]

I drew an animation based on a piece by @malatalia_ 

Stills dyed in indigo using the katazome method by @malatalia_

[thissummerisviolent]

summertime sadness (every summer carries the ghosts of all the summers that precede it)

[thissummerisviolent]

I’ve been trying to learn how to take up space and it’s not going super well. It’s come to the point where I’m questioning if it was a good idea to get into a relationship so soon after realizing I was happy not being in one.

It’s like I don’t have the best handle on my emotions, I am not the stable one in relationship. I’d like to be the rock but I don’t think I am. I think what I, trying to say is I need to work on myself more (my confidence, emotions, and self image) before I’m able to be fully present in a healthy relationship. It doesn’t help that I feel like there’s so much pressure because of how bad things have been in the past. And I can’t communicate !!!!!!!!

[thissummerisviolent]

It’s genuinely suffocating being a queer kid with homophobic parents. And it’s even worse when I can’t talk about this with anyone because everyone I know has accepting parents. Good grief what do you mean you didn’t have to worry about your parents sending you to a conversion camp ???

It’s so aweful when even the most “progressive” members of my family are still homophobic, like use gay as an insult and flinch at the mention of pride parades. These are the people I used to dream about coming out to! It hurts so much and I feel so alone. The queer experience baby !

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A composer but never composed~

This is the private vent blog of @/ [*>{>![>&. I might post art eventually. 18+

I dont wanna walk about it- Talk Tag

87 degrees- Night posting

102 degrees- Day posting

Family Jewels- family tag

No Children- Relationship tag

I wish you were a girl- Gay tag

Sayaka because

Dividers by: @/ sseuda

[thissummerisviolent]

see I’ve got to figure out a healthy way to works round this or this ain’t going to work out.

I’ve got to set more boundaries, and clarify when things hurt me because they do, alot. But that begs the question is it worth staying in a relationship which hurts, when I could just not hurt. Sure there must be some benefits, but right now all I can think about is, it makes them happy.

And is it even worth it when half the time it’s just rhythms, just repetitions I can say on autopilots not even really meaning it ? I need to sit and think on this more, once again discuss. I fear I was too hasty with this (once again because I knew it would hurt them if I hesitated). I probably should not have gotten into a relationship in this state.