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thiddlestoffiction · 4 years ago

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Falling For You Was My Mistake

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Genre: Angst / Smut | Word Count: 3,891

Summary: Reader loves Bucky. And Bucky loves someone else. That’s how life works sometimes.

Warnings: unprotected sex, a lot of feels, unrequited love, people using people to forget about other people.

Author’s Note: I’ve been listening to The Weeknd for three weeks now. His songs have sparked a lot of ideas for fanfics in my head of all sorts, but Call Out My Name made me land this fic idea. Can’t believe I’ve written Bucky again after nearly 2 years. I feel like I’m a litte rusty, but I hope you enjoy it anyways <3

Taglist: Tags will be added in the reblog.

[ Masterlist ]

[ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ]

The time on the clock sitting on the bedside table read 3:30 in the morning. The cold, empty spot on the bed beside you let you know Bucky had gotten up as soon as you’d fallen asleep. This had been going on for a month now, exactly since the day he ran into his ex-girlfriend.

He’d told you he didn’t have feelings for her anymore, that she was his past and you were his present. But his demeanor had changed ever since that day. It almost felt like he just fucked you to sleep so he could be alone with the thoughts of her. Your patience was wearing thin, but you loved him. And you’d convinced yourself that this was just a rough patch he was going through. It wouldn’t take long for him to go back to normal.

‘It’s going to be okay,’ you kept saying the words like a mantra, but every night he snuck out of the bedroom when you were sleeping it became harder and harder to believe it. To say you were scared was an understatement.

You loved him. If he loved you, you weren’t so sure anymore.

The night was hot despite the windows being open in Bucky’s room. The silky robe felt cool against your skin, creating a delicious contrast. You fastened the robe belt around your waist loosely and walked barefoot out of the room.

It wasn’t hard to find Bucky. This had become a routine. You’d always wake up around the same time and find his spot in the bed cold and empty. And you’d always find him sitting on the window sill in the living room, looking out in the empty streets of the city. He’d always have a glass of water with him, but by this time, you knew it wasn’t water. It’d never been.

You knew he was thinking of her. That much was clear. You could see the sadness in his eyes despite the small light that came from outside. He seemed to long for her. And you knew he missed her. She was still his present, and you just knew he wanted her to be his future, too. You were just a distraction, a façade.

All of it had been a lie from the very beginning and you felt stupid for not having realized before, for not having walked out of his life before your heart got too invested. But it was too late now. No matter whether you stayed or not, you’d be the only one left with a broken heart. So, why prolong the pain? Why prolong the inevitable? If neither of you were happy, there was no point in keeping this lie up. It had to end now.

“I can see the gears turning in that head of yours,” you said lightly. There was no need for this to end badly. There was no need to add more salt to the wound.

He turned his head in your direction, startled, and a small smile appeared on his face.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Well, not feeling you beside me did the trick. Like last night. And the night before.”

He lowered his gaze to the almost empty glass he held in his right hand, and his smile faltered. Guilt.

Your felt bad for saying those words. You didn’t really want to make him feel bad. You loved him. And he loved someone else. And that was okay. You couldn’t blame him for it. That’s how life worked, that’s how life has always worked. If people could choose who they loved, you definitely wouldn’t love someone who didn’t love you back.

You made your way to him in silence. Your bare feet only making a small sound against the tiled floor. You placed yourself in front of him, and when you tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear, he looked up at you. His eyes were glassy, and you knew he had been crying over her.

You felt your heart sink in pain, for both you and him. Why weren’t you enough for him? Why was your love not enough for him to forget her and love you instead?

And against your will, your eyes welled up with tears. And damn him, he noticed. Even in the darkness he noticed. This isn’t what you had planned.

“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” He grabbed the hand that had tucked away his hair and brought it to his mouth, placing a sweet kiss on your knuckles. And you choked back a sob. Why on earth did he have to do this harder than it was, with his sweetness and gentleness?

He worried when your body shook with sobs, and he got up, towering over you and embracing you in his arms. And you let him hold you. You knew you wouldn’t have this in the mornings to come.

You wrapped your arms around his waist and clung to him for dear life. You wanted him to feel the way you felt. You wanted him to feel all the love you had for him so he could finally understand, so he could love you with the same intensity. If only it was as easy as hug.

“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked as he ran his left hand over your hair while he held you tightly against his body with his right arm.

You felt safe in his arms, safer than you’d ever felt in other men’s arms. And you hated it. You hated that your haven relied on lies. You hated that your sense of safety was a complete fraud.

You wanted to scream, yell at him, punch him in the chest and run away. But instead, you choked out words that left him stunned: “Why can’t you love me?” Your voice was barely a whisper, but in the quiet night, he heard you perfectly. He heard you so loud and clear, it may as well have been a scream.

He stopped stroking your hair, shocked. Of all the things he could’ve thought you were going to say, he never, in a million years, would’ve thought you’d say the words that had just escaped your mouth.

He placed both his hands on your upper arms and pulled you away just enough to see your face. Your gaze was locked on the floor, and your body shook lightly with sobs. His eyes on you were intimidating, and you felt vulnerable. So you wrapped your arms around yourself on instinct in an attempt to feel somewhat protected.

“What��s going on, Y/N?” His voice was soft, and he started brushing your arms with his thumbs. “Talk to me, baby. What was that about?”

You took a deep breath, trying to calm your nerves. You closed your eyes tightly, and the tears that had pooled in them fell freely down your cheeks. You let out a loud sigh and opened your eyes before looking up at him. Your eyes were glassy and red-rimmed. Your face was stained with the tears that kept flowing from your eyes.

Something in his chest snapped, like a twig. He saw the pain in your face, the ache, the loss, the realization. He knew them all too well because that’s exactly what he felt because of someone else. You didn’t have to explain yourself anymore because, suddenly, he knew exactly what you’d meant before. The words that had escaped your lips were the exact same words that had escaped his a while ago, when someone else had broken his heart the way he was now breaking yours.

“Why am I not good enough for you, Bucky? Why is my love not enough for you to forget about her?”

“It is, baby. It is enough. You are enough. More than enough,” he said in a rush, trying to convince both you and himself.

“Stop lying, please.” Your voice broke.

“I’m not. You are more than enough. Ever since I met you, I’ve had nothing but happiness. Everything is better because you’re with me.” He took your hands in his gently and kissed your knuckles.

“Then why do you keep thinking about her? Why do you keep spending entire nights awake, drinking and thinking about her?”

“I-“ but words failed him. He didn’t have an honest answer to that. And he didn’t want to think right now. He felt you slipping between his fingers, and fear engulfed him. He didn’t want to lose you. He couldn’t lose you. Not you. Not the one person who had loved him for who he truly was. He couldn’t lose the one woman who did make his days better. He just couldn’t.

He knew he was being selfish, because despite all the love you had for him, his didn’t even come close. He was very aware that his heart still belonged to someone else, and you didn’t deserve scraps of love from anyone. He knew it. He knew it damn too well. But he didn’t want to think about that right now. He just wanted you to stay. Just for tonight. If only to quiet down the demons in his mind.

He let go of your hands and cupped your face gently. His thumbs brushed away the tears on your cheeks before placing a soft kiss upon your lips. And you knew it was just a trick for you to stay. A trick for you not to leave him alone tonight. Not tonight.

“I love you, Y/N,” he lied against your lips. And it broke your already shattered heart. But you took it. You took it one last time.

A sob threatened to escape you, so you kissed him again, this time more intensely. You wound your arms around his neck, and he picked you up off the floor. You wrapped your legs around his waist, locking your feet at the ankles behind his back.

He carried you to his bedroom easily while placing wet kisses on your lips and neck. He didn’t trip, not once. He knew the way too well. And you couldn’t help but wonder if he’d learned that trick when he used to fuck her.

“Bucky,” you called, and he stopped just before entering his room. He looked up at you, and you could see confusion in his eyes.

And fear.

You brushed his hair away from his face gently with both your index fingers, caressing his cheekbones in the process. You cupped his face in your hands and looked him in the eyes; a small sad smile appeared upon your lips. You wanted his face to be imprinted in your mind. You knew this was the last time you’d ever see him. But as much as you were hurting, you didn’t want to forget him at all.

“Babe-“ But you cut him off when you pressed your lips against his in a kiss that begged to last for an eternity.

“Make love to me tonight, Bucky,” you whispered against his lips, your eyes still closed. Your voice was laced with need, but not lust. You needed the last memory of him to be something as close to love as possible, even if he didn’t feel it.

He didn’t reply. He just kissed you back and entered the room. He put you gently down onto his bed, brushing the hair that had fallen on your face away from it oh so gently. He was looking at you with such tenderness that you almost took it for love.

Almost.

“Kiss me,” you whispered, and he obliged.

He kissed you slowly and gently, savoring the taste of your lips, as if he somehow knew this was going to be the last time he’d get to kiss you.

His lips migrated from your lips to your chin. You pushed your head back, exposing your neck while your hands ran softly up and down his sides, and you felt his muscles contract under your touch.

He left a map of wet kisses on your neck, licking and sucking on the spots that he knew made you weak, wrenching soft little moans from your mouth.

He made his way from your neck to your cleavage, licking and kissing the skin that the robe exposed. The fingers of his right hand danced across your left covered breast briefly, barely even touching you, but the action made your nipple harden, pressing up against the flimsy fabric of your robe. His fingers continued their journey down until they reached the belt of the garment. He pulled at one of the ends, undoing the knot. The robe fell open at your sides, exposing your naked body underneath.

He admired the sight before his eyes, running the pads of his fingers over your breasts, your hardened nipples, the valley between your breasts. His fingers made their way down to your ribs, your stomach, circling your belly button. His feathery touch made your muscles contract under it, and when his fingers stopped just above the patch of curls at the apex of your thighs, you gasped; your hips bucking upwards slightly in an attempt to get him to touch you.

He lowered his head and placed an open-mouthed kiss on the hollow between your ribs. His hot breath made you shiver, and when he started working his way lower down your stomach, your legs fell open on their own accord.

When he reached between your legs, he didn’t dive in right away. Instead, he started kissing your inner thighs painfully slowly, alternating kisses, licks and little soft bites that made you whimper with need and anticipation. You could feel your pussy getting wetter by the second. You wanted his sensual torture to end already. You wanted his lips to make contact where you needed it the most.

When he placed both your legs upon his shoulders, you knew what was coming next. He nestled his face between your thighs, and you looked down at him. All the teasing had you all flushed, and he loved the sight. So, looking right into your eyes, he pressed the flat of his tongue against your pussy. Your brow furrowed and your lips fell open slightly. You tried to focus on his face, doing your best not to close your eyes. But that was short-lived when, after a few broad licks across your folds. He captured your clit in his mouth and started sucking gently. You let out a moan and couldn’t help but close your eyes. You let your head fall back onto the soft pillows, and your hands threaded through his soft hair.

He’d alternate between broad licks across your pussy, kitten licks against your clit and sucking on it. The combination had your head spinning, and as time went by, your legs would try to get close together. You were close. He knew it by the way your pussy was flooding with your arousal. So instead of stopping, he sped up. He licked a few times before closing his lips around your clit and starting sucking and licking it at the same time.

He placed both his hands on your thighs and pried them apart as far as he could. Your fingers fisted his hair, and your lips started rocking in circles against his face. And it wasn’t long before your orgasm washed over you in waves.

Your backed arched off the mattress. Your legs closed, trapping his head between them. And when he didn’t let go, you tried to push his head away from your pussy. He lapped up at every single drop of your nectar until he was satisfied.

He made his way back up until his face was in front of yours. He swooped down and pressed his lips against yours. The kiss was needier, hungrier, and you couldn’t help but moan into his mouth. You could taste yourself off his tongue, your juices smeared all over his lips and chin.

Your hands traveled down his sides to the hem of his grey sweats. Your thumbs hooked in the hem of them and pushed them down, but he was already painfully hard, his erection was a hindrance. So he stopped kissing you just long enough to get rid of his bottoms completely.

He hovered back over you, placing his elbows on either side of your face. You snuck your left hand between your bodies and grabbed his dick gently. You pumped it a few times before lifting your hips up and aligning his dick with your entrance. The tip was lodged at your opening, and all it took was a soft push from him. He pushed into you gently and slowly while his eyes were locked on yours. Both your mouths parted open in the shape of an o and your brows furrowed in pleasure. A moan escaped both of you in unison. It was the most in sync you’d ever been since you started dating.

Your legs wrapped around his waist and you locked your feet at the ankles. Your hands traveled to his face, your fingers threading into the hair at the nape of his neck. You pulled him towards you in a sweet kiss, and he let his weight drop on his triceps. Now his body was completely on top of yours. You could feel his heat, his breath. You could feel the muscles of his pelvis contract every time he thrust into you.

His lips migrated from your mouth down to your neck. He sucked, licked and nibbled on the spots that he knew made you wet. And you reciprocated by giving his neck the same treatment. Your arms wound under his arms and around his back. Your fingertips danced across his soft skin, and you could feel the way his body reacted under your touch.

You knew he was close by the way his breath hitched in his throat and the way his movements grew more and more erratic. So you wrapped your arms around his body for dear life and started whispering in his ear words of encouragement. You knew the end was close, closer than what you would’ve liked. And you could feel your heart starting to break into a million little pieces.

“Bucky,” you called, and gathering all his will power, he looked into your eyes. “Cum for me,” you whispered.

And he did. Your words and the velvety feel of your tight pussy contracting around his dick were his undoing. He spilled his hot seed inside you, moaning and closing his eyes as he captured your lips in a needy, clumsy kiss.

He let all of his weight fall on top of you, and he nestled his face in the crook of your neck. He took his time to get his breathing back to normal while he stroked your hair and you stroked his back.

This was it.

This was the last time you’d ever see him. The last time you’d ever have him lying on top of you. The last time you’d enjoy the heat of his body, his scent, his kisses, his company. And the realization hit you like a bucket of ice cold water.

You knew that you’d be leaving your heart in his hands the moment you’d walk out his door. But you would also be setting him free. And isn’t that what love is all about in the end?

“I love you,” he whispered upon your neck, his breath tickling your skin, and placed a kiss upon your shoulder.

And up until now, you hadn’t realized that every time he’d said those words, not once had he said them straight to your face. He always hid to say them. Even now, after ‘making love’ to you, he couldn’t bring himself to say those words to you while looking you in the eyes.

A single teardrop fell from your left eye, and it got lost quickly in your hair.

“I love you too, Bucky,” you said in a barely audible whisper.

He lifted his face off your neck and looked at you, a cute, dorky smile curved the ends of his lips. You hadn’t left yet and you already missed him.

“Let’s get some sleep, doll,” he said. You just nodded.

But before he got off of you, he captured your lips in a slow kiss that left you wanting for more. Both of you moaned into the kiss when he finally pulled out of you.

He lied on his back with his right arm outstretched on the bed as an invitation for you to lie on it. So you did. You lied down on your left side, placing your head on his naked chest. His arms wrapped around your body and his fingers brushed lazily the curve of your hip and waist. He let out a content moan and closed his eyes. He fell asleep in seconds.

You looked up at him, and the hand that was resting on his chest traveled up to his face. You let your fingers dance ever so lightly across his features; his damp hair on his forehead, his eyes, the bridge of his perfect nose, his cheekbones, his plump red lips.

Tears started prickling in your eyes –hot and stinging- and you knew it was time to leave. If you stayed any longer, all your resolve would dissolve, and you’d stay. And you wanted to stay. God knew just how much you wanted to. But it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to either of you. So the best thing you could do was to let him go.

You got up slowly and carefully off the bed. You got dressed quickly and placed a neatly folded note on his bedside table. Your eyes went in his direction one last time. If only he could’ve seen the love you had for him written in your eyes, perhaps he would’ve finally reciprocated.

But he never got to. And now, he never would.

You leaned forward and placed a feathery kiss upon his lips. “I love you,” you whispered, your voice laced with pain.

And before your sobs threatened to wake him up, you walked out the door…and out of his life for good.

It was his turn to wake to an empty, cold spot in his bed. It had never happened before. Every time he’d wake up, he’d always find you by his side. And he felt an uneasy feeling in his gut.

He put the covers aside and swung his feet out the bed, placing them on the cold floor. When he made to get up, he saw the folded white note on his bedside table. And his heart fell to his feet.

He didn’t have to read the note to know what it said. He remembered your eyes last night, when you found him in the living room trying to drink her memory away. He knew you’d left. And he knew he’d never see you again.

But he read it anyway.

‘Falling for you was my mistake, and yet, I don’t regret having made it. You gave me comfort when I needed it the most, and I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same for you. I love you, but I can’t keep living a lie. My heart can’t take it anymore. It’s not fair for neither you nor me. So this is me setting you free, Bucky. This is me setting both of us free. Goodbye.’

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