thelifecusp

[thelifecusp]

the amount of times...

...that ive thought about ending it all...

...that ive thought about what you would feel if i just ran my car into a tree an didn’t say a word and just went away...

...tha ive wanted to just go... go far far away... would it even matter?

maybe i need help.  maybe i need you to just open your heart to me. 

I feel lost. I feel like maybe I just need to run far fr away from this life.  i just need something to pull me back. to tell me tat evrything is going to be jus fine.. I need it... crave it. i don’t now why i self medicate. I just do... 

[thelifecusp]

Drive safe...

...something that I say to him now when he drives home from my house, something that he tells me when I drive home from his house, something that I said to you that day in your driveway.

I thought that it would be easier now.  But whenever anything bad happens, my brain goes back to you.  I thought that it would have gotten more bearable to live through.  I thought that at least I would have forgotten what it was like to be around you.

Instead of forgetting, the memories just keep feeling more recent with every additional time I get lonely or sad.  I still can feel your arms around me, like they were that day in my living room - we were doing a project.  That was eight years ago and somehow I can still feel it.  How is that?  That last day... that wonderful last day, you looked at me and said “hey, babe...”  What you said after that eludes me, but the sound of your voice saying “babe” somehow still rings in my ears.

I love him.  I do.  I hope that he will be the father of my children, the chest I rest my head on, the one that I hope to depend on for years to come.  And maybe you and I would have never ended up together.  Maybe you would have gone on and I would have never joined you in Florida.  Maybe I would be in Michigan, married to Evan, expecting a kid.  But that isn’t what happened.  What happened was that I couldn’t stand to be without you.  So I left my life behind, and I ran to you.  Somehow, I knew that I wanted to be right here, with you.  And as soon as I made that decision to be good to myself, life took you away, and I never got to see what would have been.

I’m happy with him, most days.  Sometimes he does things that I think to myself that you would never do things like that.  I give too much of myself to him.  It’s hurting our relationship and it’s all my fault.  I expect too much from him in return for the too much that I’m putting into the relationship.  But is it so wrong to want him to love me back the way that I love him?  You wouldn’t do the things he does.  But I’m afraid.  Every person that I’ve wanted has disappeared somehow, and every person that has tried to keep me around has been a burden on my heart.  With you I felt finally unburdened.  I felt that with him... until recently.

I just don’t understand why I want him to be different, and why he isn’t different, and why he doesn’t want to be different, and why I believe him when he says he’s different, and why I am surprised when he isn’t.

I love him. He has my heart. Somehow, he doesn’t realize that my heart has been broken so many times that when I’m betrayed... I’m very much betrayed. Somehow, I don’t know if he cares.  If he does then somehow I’m either missing the signs that he shows it, or he hasn’t bothered to show it.  I just wish I had you around.  Maybe we’d be together and I’d never have another care in the world.  Or maybe I’d still be with him anyways and you would tell me what to do.  You always knew what to say.  My heart is seasick.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know where to go.  I’m drowning.

Lately I’ve been getting sad - just out of the blue.  Not because of my stupid relationship drama, but because I’m just lost.  I don’t know which way to turn.  I’ve been feeling... just sad.  Out of nowhere.  And my relationship issues isn’t helping.  I’m pretty sure he thinks depression isn’t a thing.  I’m scared to tell him because I’m scared that he’ll think I have issues and leave.  But the fact is that I do have issues.  And I need support.  I need love, understanding, and someone for fucking show me for once that they are there for whatever it is that I need because I feel like I’m going to go crazy if one more person tells me that “it’s all going to be okay.”  That’s fine, I get that.  But as of right now, it isn’t ok, and I’m not ok.  And I need someone to be ok with that and just... hold me.  Just show me that they understand what I’m feeling.  I don’t feel the same anymore.

Sometimes I think I should have never came back here.  That I should have gone off to another state, and figured out my own life somewhere else.  Sometimes I’m scared to lose him because I moved back for him, and for him only, and I get scared that if it doesn’t work out, all this effort and all of my heart that I’ve put into this will all have been for nothing - that it will go unappreciated.  When did I become this person?  When did I start to care what a guy thought of me, or when did I get scared that someone would leave me?  I feel like I used to be so strong.  I don’t want to be anymore.  I want to have someone be strong for me.  For once.  Maybe this is a little bit of a pity party.  Who the fuck cares.  I’m tired of not feeling like I’m receiving the appreciation that I know I deserve.  I’m tired of feeling scared and out of control.  I’m tired of being dependable for the sake of others and not getting to fully depend on someone without being afraid that they’ll think it’s too much.  Everyone else is too much.

I don’t think anyone knows how much I cry at night.

[thelifecusp]

So the other day...

... I heard that song again.  The one that we accidentally started listening to when we went to the Eastman, and just let it happen.

Last semester when I was in class, my professor played the song to make a point.  I’ll be honest.  I had to leave the room.  Memories of you flooded my head and it was too hard.

...my friend says that it’s ok because “there’s no time limit to get over the loss of a loved one...”

I haven’t seen your mom in a while.  I think I’m nervous.  They sold your house.  And honestly, I’m pissed about it.  Now there is some other person in that house, in your room, looking out of your window.

I just wish you didn’t have to leave this earth.  I hate it.  I just wish I could talk to you.  How do you get closure in a situation like this?

[thelifecusp]

If you really want someone...

...you will do anything for them.  You will do whatever they need and whatever they want no matter how intense it is.  If you really want them, you will do it without the expectation that they will do the same things back for you or even without the expectation that they will want you back.  If you really want them, you will do whatever it is they need and want just because you want to see them smile, just because you want to make life more enjoyable for them.

If you really want someone, whether you are in a relationship with them or not, you will do what it is that they want NOT what you wish someone would do for you, or what you think would be nice, you will do what THEY want.  If you want them badly enough, you will know what it is that makes them happy - specifically.  So many of us feel that we should do things for others that WE appreciate, when really we need to think about the things that make that person who they are and what types of things they appreciate and do those things.

The hope is, that they will want to do the same for you...

And if you do all this for them and they don’t return the effort, you have no right to be mad, because you didn’t do it SO THAT they would do the same for you, you did it purely to see them smile.  You are the only person that chose to do those things for them.  You do not deserve to be mad if they don’t return the effort.

However, if you do all this for them, and they don’t return the effort, maybe you won’t feel the same way - or maybe if it gets you really upset, maybe you don’t like them as much as you though you did.  But still, you can’t be mad.  If they do not have the incessant urge to do anything and everything for you, they simply do not feel the same way.  That is not their fault, nor is it yours.  Think about it - imagine someone who you definitely do not have feelings for, and imagine them doing anything and everything you want because they care for you - can you honestly say that you would for sure be in love with them back?  I’m sure that many of us can say that we might not be.  If someone does not feel the same way, you cannot get angry with them, you cannot change them or force them into loving them, you can merely appreciate them, and walk away.

If you are already in a relationship with this person, maybe it is time to realize that they do not feel the same way and no relationship should be like that.  BUT you can only say that IF you can also say that you did anything and EVERYTHING in your power to give them all the things they want.  And not just for a short time, but for an extended period of time to show that you are committed to making them happy.

In the same way, if you can tell that your significant other is doing all that they can for you, if you do not feel that it is the need of your heart to do anything and everything for them, then maybe it is time to realize that you don’t feel the same way about them as they do for you - that perhaps it is time to walk away.

Of course, these things are not realized at first.  When two people begin to belong to each other, they will both be in different spots for a long time.  Which is why it is important not to just do things for them once and when they don’t return the love, walk away.  It takes time for feelings to develop.

Know your feelings.  Don’t walk away to soon if it could be right. Don’t stay too long when it is wrong.  Love unconditionally. Respect yourself.

[thelifecusp]

I still miss you...

...but I feel like I don't have the right.  What do I do?  You were my friend and you're just not here anymore.  This isn't right. I just want to be done with this shitty feeling inside of me.

[thelifecusp]

If someone understands...

...I would probably feel a lot better right now.  It's hard when people think that their problems are so huge.  No one ever has time for me.  seriously I help so many people, I feel like, but still no one gives two shits about me.  but whatever, ts ok. I'll survive just like I always do...

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Missing Davio today especially (#obviously) but always happy to be his (: happy to belong to each other ❤

[thelifecusp]

@clarkkent02 I miss you all the time. you always had the right #perspective and the right words to make me feel like everything was ok. there are so many times I wish we could sit outside java's, just talking. I remember when we took this photo... that was such a good day. it started off horrible, but you made me feel #invincible. wish I could hear some of that good advice right now. but just knowing you're smiling down on me is hope enough. I will always #remember you. #RIP

[thelifecusp]

Before I met you...

I was always sad. I was always depressed. I had recently gone on medication but it didn’t work and it made me worse. I had severe anxiety and depression and ptsd. my mind was dark and cloudy and I cried all the time. I felt small, inadequate, pathetic, and worthless.

I felt like love was something made up, that people could care about each other, but love was something that no one could actually hope to aspire to.

Before I met you I was wanting all the time. I was always searching but didn’t know what I was searching for. I was always crying but I didn’t know who I was crying for. I was always reminiscing but I didn’t know when the time was that I was reminiscing about or what it was that I was missing. I was always trying to change but I didn’t know how I wanted to change or what I wanted the results to be.

And sometimes I still get sad, and I still feel small. Sometimes I doubt love and think it may deceive me because it feels too good to be true. Sometimes I still want and search and cry. And I still reminisce and seek to change.

But I have met you.

So now when I’m sad, you make me happier. When I feel small, you make me feel more than adequate. When I doubt love, you prove me wrong. When I search, the road always points to you and I don’t feel so lost anymore. When I cry, you wipe my tears. When I reminisce, I am reminded how much my life is better with you in it. And when I seek to change, I am encouraged and inspired.

Life is never perfect and I’m glad that it’s not. Because if it was, I wouldn’t know how important you’re presence is in my life.

I still get sad. But it’s better.