thegoddamcaretaker

[thegoddamcaretaker]

              I know I’m not whole. 

                        I know I’m not a good person. 

And yet

        when you ᏞᎾᎾᏦ at me,            I feel like I COULD BE.         

[thegoddamcaretaker]

Drabble #2

He had been stood staring at the boiler for a little over fifteen minutes, listening to its familiar wheezing and whirring. Currently it was warming the East Wing, and the little dial was within the safety zone, for now. Absent-mindedly, he wiped his tingling lips with a handkerchief.

What do they pay me for? Jack wondered privately. The question had come to him with all the sharpness of an existential crisis and would not let go. What do they pay me for? For fixing the dang shingles, trimming hedges, being some overqualified janitor? They pay me for the jobs nobody else wants. They pay me for the jobs no man with my brain or degree would do in a million years. But that man isn’t me... that man doesn’t have to do these jobs. That man’s living my life, the one I had before George... that little prick.

Where had that come from? Jack blinked and looked around himself, as though he had heard something disturbing on the radio or coming from behind him: because surely that thought hadn’t come from within? Surely not. George had been a stand-up kid, one of those students you always secretly root for and maybe give a tiny bit extra in exams. Jack could never stomach his folks - having always resented those with wealth and influence on account of his upbringing - but George had been fine. Swell, if Jack felt like adding on a cheery adjective. He did the work, never threw his weight around, and he was humble in a way Jack liked to see. He was an efficient member of the debate team... aside from his stutter.

A Freudian slip perhaps? No... that would mean Jack resented George in the dark matter of his brain, the place not even he knew the contents of. He didn’t, he swore to himself that George was not some nemesis. Heck, I’ve used him as the basis for my play’s hero!

It had been the drinking. Not George. George was just the straw that broke the camel’s back - or was that an appropriate term in this case? - but he was not the problem. George was just a synapse between Jack’s unstable home life and his spiraling career, that had brought the two together in one swift drunken adrenaline rush. Yes, but doesn’t that mean he WAS the instigator of my downfall? I could’ve kept working for God-knows-how-long if only he hadn’t punctured the tires. Maybe I’d have jumped on the wagon of my own accord?

But didn’t that mean he had jumped on the wagon against his will? That he hadn’t been ready nor willing to quit drinking just yet, and that he did it begrudgingly?

No, it wasn’t like that! Sweet Jesus, not like that. I did it for all of us, for me and for Wendy and Danny. I had to, sure, but I made the decision myself. Sitting in our room and looking at that gun, I made my choice. I was gunna stop being selfish and start appreciating what I had. I’d lost so much... it was going to be Wendy and Danny next, I just knew it. I can’t... I love them. God help me, I love them and I don’t regret being on this wagon.

It was a long, bumpy ride on the road of good intentions however. It was hell on the wheels. So many times he had wanted to jump off, straight in to a sweet pool of beer. He hadn’t though, and he had no plans to. It was hard, every day an uphill struggle, but it was worth it. If he could be a good father and a loving husband, then he would keep going through hell. Heaven was on the other side.

[thegoddamcaretaker]

“Well, you know what they say: don’t go looking for trouble, because trouble’s already looking for you.” The comment was delivered with his usual cool aplomb, the martinis giving him an edge that was not to be blunted. “But you HAVE heard some odd things since coming here, huh? Everybody does. Heck, hotels have ghosts the way MOTELS have roaches. And this is a BIG hotel. Depends what you want to believe of course, but... it really don’t matter what you believe when you see something dead, up and walking around like it owns the dang place.”

Like someone not a hundred miles from her right now, whom sat swirling a little umbrella in his glass; but Jack wasn’t about to tell her that. Let her work it all out. It was fun this way. Much more fun than the instant reveal where they would run screaming. Time had taught him to play with the guests, the way a cat toys with a mouse.

[thegoddamcaretaker]

Headcanon/research: So there’s a very interesting theory about how Jack could potentially have a little bit of ‘shining’ to him, aka psychic ability. Hear me out on this, because honestly, having examined this a second time, I’m definitely taking it & going to be toying around with it in my portrayal.

When Danny and Hallorann talk privately on closing day at the Overlook, the topic of Jack's ‘shining’ is raised: [Hallorann] had probed at the boy's father and he just didn't know. It wasn't like meeting someone who had the shine, or someone who definitely did not. Poking at Danny's father had been…strange, as if Jack Torrance had something—something— […] he was holding in so deeply submerged in himself that it was impossible to get to.

Hallorann decides to leave his doubts at the door and tells Danny, "I don't think he shines at all". Yet we are made aware that much of what Hallorann tells Danny at this point is to comfort the boy and soothe his fears. Bear in mind too that Hallorann tells Danny that people who have no shine whatsoever are safe from the Overlook’s influence & cannot perceive anything wrong: if this is true (there’s no evidence to say it isn’t), then Jack most definitely has some ‘shining’ to him as he & Danny are the only characters who strongly perceive the influence so early on in the book (Wendy, whom Hallorann believes has a bit of ‘shining’ to her because she is a mother, does not begin to perceive anything wrong until after them - she does not even actually properly hear/see anything until after them).

Consider the parallel experiences Jack and Danny have. Almost everything that happens to Danny also happens to Jack, with some variation. They both have a bizarre experience with the clock in the ballroom; they both enter 217 and have a scary time; they both have visions of Jack murdering Danny and Wendy; they both encounter the hedge animals and Roger, the dog-costumed spirit; & they both "sleepwalk." All in all, Jack experiences a roughly equal amount of paranormal activity with Danny.

Compare the moment before Danny sees REDRUM with Tony (His brow furrowed and […] his hand clenched in tight fists. Danny sighed quietly and his body slumped on the curb as if all the muscles had gone out of it.[…] His chin sank into his chest. Then there was a dim painless tug as part of him got up and ran after Tony.) to before Jack goes into a state and breaks the radio. He's in the cellar, going through the Overlook's papers (the receipts slipped from his relaxing hand […]; his eyelids, which had settled shut with his father's image tattooed on their backs […], opened a little bit and then slipped back down again. He twitched a little. Consciousness […] seesawed lazily downward.): there are similarities here. Danny’s experience comes from the chapter titled "Shadowland" and Jack’s is from the chapter titled "Dreamland." This seems to be a deliberate distinguishing between Danny's self-induced experience, and Jack's experience when he's involuntarily drifted off. If Jack does shine, he is not aware of it, whereas Danny is completely aware of his ability and has some control over it.

Like Danny, Jack often loses time: his experience with the wasp nest and with the hedge animals both include moments of slipping away. He forgets himself, either while considering his book or remembering his father. This is similar to Danny's own experience. Danny has some control, but not much: when he concentrates on reading his parent's minds, he might get taken from the world of "real things."

I’m not saying this is 100% book canon nor that this is what Stephen King wanted his readers to think. I’m not even saying that Stephen King meant for this theory to happen. All I’m saying is there are odd similarities here & I personally will be incorporating the theory in to my writing. I understand that the Overlook needing Jack (albeit for differing reasons as to why it needed Danny) may explain why Jack was so susceptible to the hotel’s influence, but you have to bear in mind that the characters that are mentioned seeing spirits are those with at least a little of ‘the shining’ - Hallorann, Danny, Wendy, & one past chambermaid at the Overlook are mentioned as having a ‘shine’ & they all, at some point, witness first-hand the entities in the hotel. So why not include Jack in that group too?

[thegoddamcaretaker]

[thegoddamcaretaker]

A winter wind blows In from the north Scratches your spine Cold like the forth But you're a long way from home Through the dark we tiptoe...

“Walk the Fleet Road”, Editors

[thegoddamcaretaker]

I, I might seem a bit peculiar A bit not right For though, though I try I remain a stranger Not of this time... I know I'm with strangers I recognize And I, I realize my own disowned me Were never mine

“Where We Used to Play”, AFI

[thegoddamcaretaker]

I never meant to hurt no one Sometimes you gotta look the other way It never should've lasted so long A shame you'll never see my face again I never meant to hurt nobody I know I'll never be the same again No taking back what I have done I think of what I have become

“Hurt No One”, The Used

[thegoddamcaretaker]

Your dream vacation Smile, hostage, refuge A work in progress...

“Pretty Handsome Awkward”, The Used

[thegoddamcaretaker]

“Glad to have made you think,” he nodded amicably, appreciating her intellect and of course, the open-mindedness that often accompanied such wit. As an intelligent man, a scholar in his own opinion (after all, a man whose family had no power nor wealth, the only child to have gone to college and used his damn brain, was something to cling to like a nightlight in the darkness of self-loathing), he often found himself surrounded by fools. There was little to be said with those people, little to connect to, and plenty to desire. He had been born for great things, not the life he had settled upon once upon a time; that life had held him back, Wendy and Danny had been standing in his way, and he had wasted far too much time in blind denial.

BUT THEY GOT THE BETTER OF US, DIDN’T THEY? DON’T FORGET THAT, JACKY, NEVER-EVER. DON’T FORGET. DON’T FORGET, YOU’VE TASTED YOUR OWN MEDICINE, AND WE DON’T CARE FOR ITS TASTE. WE HAVE NO PALATE FOR IT. WE ARE ABOVE IT.

(Never-ever. Never again, not to worry! It’s all dandy now, it’s gonna be good. We’ll find them... they’ll see things our way and learn their lesson. They’ll get their medicine. Then we can be happy together, the way a family ought to be. Just a lil’ discipline.)

And then Mrs Addams’ own train of thought came forth from the tunnel of her mind, bright and fast, and it just so happened to be set upon the same course as his own. “That makes all kinds of sense!” he brightly stated with pleased laughter, his smile a little unnatural - too wide, the laughter too loud - but the sentiment was genuine. He believed there was a common ground here, an agreement between two sharp minds and of course, two parents. “See, THIS is what I prescribe to as a parent: discipline your child, can’t have the poor scamps going rudderless in to the world, but ENCOURAGEMENT. That’s just as important! Way I see it, even if your son or daughter says ‘ hey, I wanna be like Ted Bundy! ‘ then it’s your DUTY to encourage them. People FORGET that all those boogeymen were INTELLIGENT, DECENT, GOOD people! A little murder is good for the blood pressure, I say. Besides, BACKBONE. Somebody messes with you or your family, they MUST be reprimanded. They HAVE TO be corrected. Somebody like that needs to LEARN their manners.”

[thegoddamcaretaker]

“I'm not the killing type, I'm not! 

I'm not! I'm not the killing type, I'm not!”

[thegoddamcaretaker]

RULES: TAG NINE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW BETTER!

Tagged by @plasticslasher (ty!)

Relationship status: It’s complicated rn but taken I guess

Favourite colour: Purple / Silver / Turquoise

Lipstick or chapstick: Chapstick

Last song I listened to: ‘The Killing Moon’ by Echo & the Bunneymen

Last movie I watched: Mad Max 2

Top three tv shows: GOT, BtVS, & A Scare at Bedtime

Top three characters: (picking these at random) Patrick Bateman, Eli (Let the Right One In), & The Joker

Top three ships: Idek?? I don’t really ‘fan’ over ships (apart from the ones on my main blog)

Books I’m currently reading: ‘Jack the Ripper: An Encyclopaedia’ by John J. Eddleston (highly recommend it for Ripper enthusiasts)

Tagging @unshincd @mctriarchy @abrastcne @jesteriina @turnedhimloose @whatagloriousstainsir @dollcursed @tiiffcny @deorumxmonstra &anybody else who wants to

[thegoddamcaretaker]

//Letting everyone know I’m on the mend now that we’ve given my gran the send-off she wanted & I got to say goodnight to her. We’re getting there, m’dears, so I’ll be hopping back around Tumblr & settling back in to things. I’ll be taking things a little easy for the next couple of days, but I’ll be around.

I’d just like to say to the wonderfully kind peeps who gave condolences or beautifully supportive messages - thank you from the bottom of my heart. Seeing all your heartfelt words really touched me & made me feel a little stronger inside. Thank you all so very very much, I’m beyond grateful. I love you all. Your good wishes count & are stored in the bank of my growing strength.

[thegoddamcaretaker]

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[thegoddamcaretaker]

“She had never DREAMED there could be so much pain in a life when there was nothing physically wrong. She HURT all the time.”

                                              ind. and sel. wendy torrance of the shining.

[thegoddamcaretaker]

@mctriarchy wants to PLAY

A tilt of his head, minor surprise, but not enough to be considered normal. Logically he ought to be afraid, or at least uncomfortable; but logic, while a perfect thing, does not always enter in to life where it should. As when you stare at a darkened door to the cellar, knowing you must go down to retrieve laundry, and knowing too you will not return... but you do it anyway, calling your instinct’s bluff, ever-loyal to the smooth running of your home. Who ever said logic could explain everything?

“Well, I’ll be damned,” he said softly, perhaps summoning up a sliver of sympathy. “Y’know, I think parenthood is relative. Each to their own. If you want to hand out a cleaver to some trick-or-treater on Hallowe’en, I say the squirt’s folks should be grateful to you instead of fussing: a lot of NUTS out there, ‘specially on that night of ALL nights. You’re only thinking of the kid’s safety.”

[thegoddamcaretaker]

@unshincd wants to PLAY

He had to grin, his facial muscles working all by themselves. It was his first reaction to her worry, while on the inside his own mind raced ahead, thoughts getting clouded and tangled. Black thoughts, with shapes creeping out from the recesses. Shapes that looked like hedge animals and red-haired old ladies.

He couldn’t admit his share of concern or even tell her that he had seen some things... things that just had to be a trick of the light or a hallucination brought on by stress. Now that was funny: they had come here looking for peace, and thought they had found it. Indeed the past few weeks had been blissfully idyllic: they had both been talking more rather than arguing, laughing and re-connecting. It was just like before, when he still had his teaching job and they lived in a nice place, all cosy and perfect. Danny had been having nightmares, sure, but kids will do that in a strange place. Other than that, even he had seemed content with their family’s newfound state of tranquility.

Yet stress was building. It got a little higher with each snowfall. The snow reached the first floor windows now, covered them, and had the family trapped... would the stress slowly smother them too?

“Wendy, you’re letting this place get to you. It’s just cabin fever, playing games with you.”

No. That sounded forced and wrong. He tried again, allowing himself a chuckle. “I get it, no, I really do; big place, snow coming down harder... you think too much to yourself. Heck, it’s NORMAL. But believing in that stuff going ‘round your head won’t do us any favors.”

There... that was better. Yet for a moment, a sheer blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment he had to wonder... had she found something out? Had she been in the basement and found the scrapbook with all those gory clippings of this place’s history? Was that what this was about?