thebrowneyedlolita

[thebrowneyedlolita]

ROM-COM

I’ve come to accept a few things about me in the recent years. You see, I used to spend hours trying to convince everyone around me including myself of how cynical my view of the world was. I suppose it’s cooler to reject any notion of romanticism as a capitalist plot to ultimately lure you in with chocolate and flower sales on the infamous Valentine’s Day. And damn it works, you see I looked so cool wallowing in my own philosophical concoctions about how PDA and love displays are evil and I’m too above that. 

It looks way cooler to limit love songs to Nirvana ones and truth be told, I’m a little over that.

You see, it took one song the other day to remind me of the painful truth. Truth is I love romance, and I mean that in the most vehement way possible.

I want the 80s rom com I’m coming to pick you up outside your window with a boombox and Chicago’s “you���re the inspiration” track blasting.

Possibly a huge banner that says “come to prom with me” and who are we kidding. I wanna be wearing the pink puffy dress in Pretty in Pink, and I don’t even like the colour pink but for the sake of this argument, I’m just gonna go with it.

I’m beyond the let’s go for a pizza scenario. 

And while we’re at it, what happened to mixtapes? Sharing music as a form of intimacy? Gimme more of that.

I want the grand gesture, the running to stop me from taking that plane or train because the thought of letting me go is just unbearable. 

I want the, I’m gonna make it just in time for a New Year’s Eve kiss. 

There I said it. Now we got that out of the way, I’ll have you know Chicago is an amazing band at making me feel like sharing. 

Now the funny thing is “Gimme some lovin’” by The Spencer Davis Group is playing on my phone and it just really proves my point. I’m a hopeless romantic with good music taste (a little arrogance too but hey at least I admit it?) 

[thebrowneyedlolita]

Let’s make a run for it

Has any of you ever heard the expression “let’s make a run for it?”. You know the one. It comes in handy when you’re being chased by serial killers or you stole that bar of candy your mum said not to. I’ve never really seen anyone use it in an everyday context but I found myself wanting to use it more and more recently. 

What am I running from? Well I suppose if we were to ask one of those highly qualified psychologists they’d probably tell you I’m running from myself, from the fear of failure, that same fear that halts you right when you’re about to make a move. You see, the human psyche is quite stupid like that. Are you scared of failing? No problem just sit still and you won’t fail. Problems tend to come in when sitting still yields no results (the positive too). So what do we do now? Do we jump and risk falling or do we just relax. The pandemic certainly didn’t help your cause did it ? But I suppose you gotta hit a wall, a harsh reality, a moment of stillness before you decide that’s enough of me watching reruns of Seinfield on tv, time to get a life. Something soothing about Seinfield, no phones for starters, no social media, 80s haircuts, that funky bassline at the start of the show, and let’s not forget Jerry. He’s just so calm at dealing with life, there’s no moral of the story. People make mistakes, they move on and make mistakes again. I recently been re-reading for the 8th time High Fidelity by Nick Hornby and boy does it look a lot like a future I’m going towards. 

So really all I’m tryna say is and I’m gonna quote Nick for this one:

“I lost the plot for a while then. And I lost the subplot, the script, the soundtrack, the intermission, my popcorn, the credits, and the exit sign”. 

I’m happy to say that as of the last week I’ve started making choices and taking chances and here I go resilient in my quest for the same shit I’ve been wanting since I could say the words DA- DA and MA- MA. 

Here we go with the second chapter of my life and I’m not making a run from it so that should be interesting.

[thebrowneyedlolita]

POEM

I was born at 5 am on the 14th of August 1994. Who am I? I’m that girl. 

Now it’s 10 pm on a Thursday night and the years have gone by.

I remember learning to play basketball on a field in the mountains, it plays over and over in my head ‘til I’m left unsettled and cold in my own bed.

I should say my couch, ouch you shouldn’t pour out your heart like that.

It’s a little like breathing. You take it for granted.

I know I always wear my heart on my sleeve.

But winter is coming to an end and I won’t be wearing long sleeves anymore.

What a bore it is to feel nothing at all anymore.

They love me cause I am a mess and they try to unravel.

They like that I’m well travelled and play jazz in a world of pop.

They like that I am different and read, but they don’t know that I feed my mind to make it stop.

They like me cause I drop my clothes on the floor and they think they have me as a whole.

There is a hole inside my guitar, is that cause I want to learn it all?

I opened a window in the middle of the night, pushed my head out and looked down and suddenly my fear of heights was gone.

It’s the air that I breathe, it sends a wave of shock through my body.

I like the colours of this spectrum.

The one of you and I.

Where would I be if I was even half of the person that I was last year.

I’m doing much better now, I have confidence and a whole new set of fears.

We can run away together when this is all over.

I can’t believe I feed all of my worries on the daily.

I like my coffee black.

Sociopathically happy with the facts. 

I put my movie on silent. 

How dare they use his song? 

Maybe I’m doing it all wrong?

[thebrowneyedlolita]

MILLI

A long time ago, during what I would call a moment of self doubt, I remember writing to one of my friends this particular message: “ Wish I didn’t feel this much all the time”. I guess the signs were all there already… Now, his reply is the best part. He simply, without any further context given, just said: “I thought about it, but I always end up with the conclusion that I’d rather feel too much than too little”. And there you go. Here I am at the brink of my mid twenties, coming to terms with the reality of it all, and it is slightly terrifying but definitely liberating. I feel too much, I internalise every single little movement and word spoken and to feel for me is to live, experience in strong waves that exaggerate and amplify ‘til my whole body and mind are left exhausted.

My sadness, no matter how little, comes and leaves a mess of shattered glass everywhere, which I diligently and continuously pick up again and reassemble in the best way I can, ‘til the next wave of hurricanes hit the port. And the regularity of it has made me the best of my class at it. I have developed different techniques and methods to regroup and return to a formation, fit enough to fight the next battle. This shouldn’t inspire feelings of pity in the reader, as there is nothing quite as vulgar and easily manipulated as pity. I don’t want pity, in fact it’s not at all as bad as it seems. Happiness for example, can translate into a very strong and powerful emotion to me too and trigger a beautiful wave of intensity that washes over me and leaves me feeling complete.   

For as long as I’ve known how to talk and fully understand emotions, my cognitive ability to process the world around me has always fascinated and scared me at the same time. Every stimuli from the external world has the ability to single handedly knock me off my feet and affect me in such a way that I can’t quite put into words. I’ve decided to scrap up a list of things that I am, the good and the bad, in an effort to come to terms with all of it and hopefully use this as a therapeutic ground for acceptance and growth. 

When I was a kid, my grandparents had a cassette of Riverdance (Irish dancing),the whole thing fascinated me so much I spent two weeks learning the dance over and over again until my legs hurt. I devour books and songs, to the point where people don’t get how excited a bass line makes me feel that it changes my whole mood. Not to mention the immeasurable amount of times I’ve attended a concert and felt my heart would explode, or the times I’ve fallen into a complete trance whilst listening to musicians play jazz at my favourite spot. 

I hate confrontation to the point where I physically feel pain after an argument and my stomach closes up, I frequently laugh and smile whilst walking on the streets which I recognise might scare the people surrounding me but I can’t help it. 

I associate every track to a moment, a word, a feeling, an image, a time and space. I daydream on a regular basis which causes me to miss my tube stop very often. I am obsessive about my hygiene and will floss and oil pull and wash myself way more often than necessary but strangely am not compulsive about anything else. If I think a song sounds like another one I will spend the whole day trying to find what the other one’s name is. I look at colours and images very often and associate them in my head.

I am extremely responsible and I never wanna rely on anyone so am often the person that takes you home at night, tucks you in and leaves water by your bed. I don’t like change to be honest, I love the routine but only if it has excitement in it, if not I try and construct a new set of habits that incorporate that. I dance when I brush my teeth, when I take a shower, when I cook and when I’m supposed to work out. I am not great at sleeping, I am very wired at all times so to ask my head to shut up is a mission.

I love people that are passionate about something, and I will surely fall in love with you if you spend time trying to explain to me how much your passion means to you and let me into your crazy little world. I don’t care if your passion is collecting pencils, just walk me through it with lit up eyes and excitement and I’ll love it.

I love to make other people feel better even if I am not feeling great, I have a bit of a nurse complex but hey it is what it is. I don’t like criticism unless it’s feedback. I have developed a fear of heights which particularly affects my ability to climb up ladders.

I find comfort in music and being alone. I work well in social environments but thrive alone. Sometimes I am very hard on myself and it sucks cause no matter how well I do, it’s still not good enough to my ideal standards. I’ve been put on a pedestal my whole life and I’ve just recently found pleasure in stepping down from it and doing the unexpected. In fact being a bad girl turns me on. I love studying and academics is something I do miss a lot. I love past times and nostalgia for places and people I’ve never met. I’m extremely anxious about missing out and not knowing enough so I try to listen and learn as much as I can about history and science and music and movies and cultures and all the rest this world has to offer.

I can be a bit of a moon in scorpio but I guess it balances out with my sun in Leo. I make a lot of playlists and wish the days of mixtapes were still around. I idealise everything and everyone and it always bites me in the ass when reality hits. I find it hard to receive affection these days because of a rotten apple I’ve had in my past relationships but I’m working on it. I love the mountains and I could spend my whole winter season there. I can be very spiritual as well as very cynical and it’s a weird balance if you ask me. 

I don’t suffer from PMS nor have a painful period which is usually very short lived and I thank the gods every time for this. My mother says I was born to be a mumma and to be fair I can’t wait to have lots of kids and have them wear Led Zeppelin t-shirts and buy them as many instruments as they want. I write a lot and it helps me process stuff. I eat pretty healthy but would down an IPA and pasta every day of my life if I had the chance. When I was a kid my dad used to cook pasta with tuna when my mum was away flying and that was pretty much the only dish he knew how to cook.  Still to this day, I make the best pasta with tuna and vinegar and it’s my favourite dish ever.

I am a very sunny person that lives off of light and warm energy but unfortunately find myself contemplating the darker side of things more often than I wish. 

I am extremely sensitive to people’s emotions and can usually get a good sense of how the other person is really feeling, therefore I go out of my way to make them feel comfortable and give them whatever they need which in return drains the energy out of me. 

I love Woody Allen’s movies and walks at night in lit up cities. I love breakfast, it’s my favourite meal of the day. I have a necklace my grandad gave to me before he passed away and I always carry it with me so when I walk it sounds like him walking in the house. I am not scared of death and would be okay if I had to leave tomorrow cause I believe in fate. 

My favourite movie is When Harry Met Sally and it’s a comfort blanket for me, I used to be able to recite what Billy Crystal said to Meg Ryan at the end. For a long time I wanted to be an actress and got into the actor’s studio in NY but decided I wanted to pursue music instead as I couldn’t see myself living without it. I also wanted to be a ballerina for many years and pursued ballet, frequently visited Julliard with my mum until I grew up and decided it wasn’t for me. 

I don’t get along with technology and partly, I admit, it’s due to my rejection of all things that I find lack human touch. I am extremely fascinated by complex individuals, people that have different layers to themselves and think too much. 

I am scared of clowns and anything relating to the circus.  I have found out after an unfortunate incident that I talk a lot and calmly in situations of danger as an adrenaline release, like this one time where a robber came into my house whilst I was home and as a 15 year old girl at the time, I had long meaningful conversations with him although in a situation of panic and terror. 

He caressed my face before leaving and said “You’re a clever girl”, that episode is still stuck in my mind. He was actually nice to be honest. I also didn’t cry for a while after that.

I don’t like to look at violence not even in movies. I am constantly split between a more tomboy aesthetic that comes naturally and a less comfortable feminine look. I can definitely tell the difference between filtered and unfiltered water and admit I might have a slight addiction to coffee. I don’t like to relinquish control, that’s why drugs have never really had a hold on me. 

My dream is to get to see Michael McDonald perform live. I also wish I could just take a plane and go to New York tomorrow, see Allen perform and eat the best bagel from Zabar’s but I also have rent to pay. I never go shopping for clothes, and if I have to I will smash it out in a couple of hours. Lord knows how people find that interesting. 

I sing because my granddad made me fall in love with it and was my biggest supporter. I love high end fashion but have mixed feelings towards it as I realise the negative impact it has on the environment. Sometimes I wish I could just be reckless and impulsive instead of a responsible routined human but can’t do much about that. 

If I tell you I love you, it means I love you. I once had an outer body experience at a Tinariwen concert and I keep trying to see them live as much as I can to get that feeling again. My favourite instrument is the bass and unfortunately I have a tendency to start many things and never finish them.

I am a bit of a hypochondriac and am always freezing, always. Leo in Titanic was my first ever crush and as a funny coincidence, I too, draw with charcoal. In the summer of 2017 I couldn’t get out of bed, a really special person helped me get out of bed, gave me a job, a purpose and helped me get over it. I weighed 48 kilos, I made a promise to myself one day I would always make sure to never let myself get to that place anymore and I’ve been pretty good at that. I am thankful for people in my life that saw me at that time and helped me through it, I will never forget.

Other than that instant, I am generally very happy and my favourite flower is the sunflower. My favourite colour is dark green and if I could have a superpower I’d probably wanna fly. I have a very bad habit of chewing loudly and I’m tryna work through that. I also have a long time dream of doing stand up comedy but am not great at delivering punch lines. 

I do believe that Christopher McCandless really hit the jackpot when he wrote “happiness is only real when shared” in his diary and I also think that people should put down their phones and talk more. I’m trying to make an effort to improve on that. I think that sums it up, although I do think I’ve left out a lot of stuff for sure. Ah yeah one last thing, no cilantro and Waffles over Pancakes any day. 

EL xx

[thebrowneyedlolita]

3 seconds

I’ve decided tonight. Right at this very moment in time that I am writing this, writing this for me, for you, for them.

I’ve decided from this day on to stop making excuses in this life. 

I don’t want to excuse myself from going out, from taking that turn, from kissing that person, from writing to who I feel like writing to and speaking my feelings.  

I don’t wanna excuse myself from the next glass of wine, or the next book. 

I build up a life of expectations and dreams and forget in the process to follow the course of action and execute them. 

I want to do it, all of it. 

The absurdity of our human nature is that we feel the need to overthink everything, we dissect it, we develop it and test it in the lab so as to get all possible options laid out on the table, and in the time it takes to do so, we manage to unravel all of the negatives, which in return become fear that stops us in our tracks. 

Apparently it should take us a mere 3 seconds to act. You see, 3 seconds is enough to take a deep breath but not enough to think of the bad that can come out of our doing. So from tomorrow, I will take 3 seconds of time and I will act. And for every time something gets thrown at me, I will make sure my excuses don’t pile up into a bunch of regrets. 

3 seconds, take a deep breath and ... 

[thebrowneyedlolita]

Maybe

Okay. Once again we are here. Now, I’ve been here a fair share of times so I’m pretty sure I have it in me to be here again, heck I’m here anyways so might as well swim in it. It’s that very lukewarm water, the kind that is not ice freezing and refreshing, but not quite warm that you feel comfortable staying in it and relaxing. 

It’s lukewarm. 

God I hate the word lukewarm, I don’t like the in-between. When I was asked to learn the Divine Comedy, I devoured the books about Hell and found the Purgatory a rather boring read. This is a little like Purgatory. I’ve tried crying but it’s not really working out, tried laughing but that doesn’t help. 

Maybe Hurt by Johnny Cash does it, okay yeah maybe a little tear from that. How surreal. You know what I think about a lot these days? The 3 second rule.

In whatever length of time I’ve got I wanna kiss him, I wanna hug her, I wanna look up and see the sun shine on London Fields. I  wanna say ‘ yes fuck it let’s go to that event’. I wanna sit at Ronnie Scott’s with the dimmed lights and have a whisky. I wanna get that tattoo I’ve been postponing for a while now. 

I wouldn’t mind if they pulled my Levi’s down.

Would it be weird if I asked you to hold my hand? I know I don’t usually do this but this is not a usual circumstance so I guess it doesn’t matter? 

What do I pack? My whole life again in a suitcase? I say, yeah I’ll see you in a month to everybody. Maybe I’ll leave half of it here so they can’t stop me. Hey I have a dream. Not the Martin Luther King type of dream, this one is a little more selfish. I close my eyes and I’m up there on stage. I finally found a place I wanna stay in a little longer. Let me stay. 

Maybe I’ll play Johnny Cash and nothing's gonna change my world.

[thebrowneyedlolita]

Do The Right Thing

At this moment, gosh I’ve written this first sentence 4 times now, but the words won’t come out right. So many thoughts, so many things I wish I could say, or maybe I don’t even know what exactly it is I want to say. I wake up and it’s all a mess. 

Not long ago, governments from all over the world decided it would be a great idea to go back in time, to cancel out and wipe out years and years of social and cultural achievements, years and years of people coming together, free movement of people and goods, human rights those before us fought so hard for, all wiped out with laws, tweets of hatred, walls, Brexits and so on and so forth. 

To make matters worse, we get to see the development of this, implemented for different reasons, as we now try to contain the spread of a virus that has single handedly caused a state of panic equal to a post apocalyptic scenario, where people are held in quarantine, whilst the rest of those who are not yet in that position empty out supermarkets in fear of having a shortage of supply of food, businesses shut down early, any public gathering is avoided and the rest of the world watches in disbelief whilst the news carry out a string of scary numbers of increasing deaths and closed borders. All of this which further ignites episodes of racism and fear the person next to you might give you the same virus. 

We are all going backwards. 

The reality of all of this is even sadder, because none of this matters in the long run at the rate with which our carbon emissions are rising. The planet has fully reached a point of no return with temperatures sky rocketing in Antarctica, to bushfires destroying all of Australia’s flora and fauna, to animals approaching extinction in different parts of the world, partly because of our constant need to clear up spaces for ourselves and our ever multiplying population, partly to fulfill our constant growing hunger for more, more food, more clothes, more of everything just so we can get a chance to consume. 

We are consumed. 

Consumed by greed and selfishness and it’s unbearable and unsustainable.  We have wiped out all trace of a possible future and as we proceed to wipe any last chance of protecting an incredibly beautiful and self sufficient ecosystem which was never ours to destroy, we worry about colour of skin, we grope a woman’s ass, we talk about war and guns, about dividing and destroying when the punchline of the joke is us. We have completely lost any touch with what truly matters as we proceed to spend the extra 6th hour of the day on a screen, so as to not miss the latest video of a cat falling from a chair, or the latest Apple launch. So much so that we have become masters at talking through a screen but the actual human interaction has become a source of anxiety, and we find it hard to speak to a person face to face.

As we grow lonelier and more disconnected, as we take people for granted because we know we can call them at anytime of the day we want to, if we need to, with our ‘amazing’ technological advancements but never truly do, as we replace an emotion with an emoticon, we have lost the human in human, and the word has no more value if not negative. How funny that we let ourselves worry about the daily when we don’t even worry about the future and our survival. We focus on the micro and ignore the macro. 

I am to blame, I write this full of guilt and hypocrisy and I am ashamed but I will never hide it. I am the same. The trouble is that I feel no joy and satisfaction anymore from just being and ignoring. It hurts everywhere because I realise how important it is to care, to understand, to be open and loving and accepting, to be aware, to be human (I don’t like to use this because to be human these days is the worst adjective I can think of). 

“Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred. How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children out into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return but knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name”.

Do I even want to have babies and welcome them in this reality, or an even worse one in the future?

I make music. I don’t have answers, I spent the last week feeling discouraged at how this world is going and as I write all of this, I know I’m projecting an incredible amount of fear and heaviness on you guys and I apologise for that. I spent a week feeling down for all of it and I asked myself if it is all worth it and what the point of all this is. The answer is I don’t have an answer. I know though for some reason that deep down I still have hope, and although they say that hope is the last thing to die, I believe there is hope in hope, so I keep it lit up every day and every night, like trying to keep a fire going in the midst of a storm. I put logs of wood in it, I put paper in it, if it’s a good day I sit by this fire and marvel at the way it burns, because it burns and it burns bright.

I know it seems hard to conceive, but I know we have to hold on to that fire of hope because for as long as those flames keep going, there is a chance for us, for the planet. A chance to go back and start putting value on what matters, to start being conscious about how our choices affect the whole future of our earth, to being mindful about our waste production and the way we treat our neighbour, to start picking up the phone for a phone call, to writing letters and spreading love and not hate.

We got this. Somehow, we got this. No giving up, just making sure we do the right thing. So let’s do the right thing.

[thebrowneyedlolita]

Be Still

Since a very young age, I’ve been accustomed to traveling the world. Having a mother as a flight attendant for many years, meant that within my first year of life I had already crossed the whole globe and reached far destinations such as NZ and Tokyo. 

I remember boarding flights beaming with joy every single time I would get to hear my mum on the speaker of an airplane, proud that it was MY mum making those announcements, and if I was lucky enough I would get to fly in the cockpit and see the plane cross a fiery pink and red sky in the early hours of the morning. 

I was curious but shy, a sunny child that would take everything in, little by little and process it with wandering eyes. Ever since I was 19 I made a conscious choice of leaving Milan and go study abroad, since then I have lived in the UK, in Australia and the States too. It’s been a whirlwind of experiences and a mess of emotions and I now feel the same painful gut feeling whenever I’m forced to leave home again. I don’t like to live sedentary but this Gypsy feeling is getting harder and harder to accommodate and I’m starting to realise what a privilege it can be to just stand still and let the world rush its way into an uncertain future. 

So today, as I take yet another plane, I want to learn how to stand still and just be. Whatever it is I will be able to face tomorrow but for now just let me be still. 

[thebrowneyedlolita]

‘O Italia Mia

Today I think of you. 

How silly to think you can be anything but what you truly are. How beautiful it is to be the product of your land. To breathe the history of your people. 

How far can my soul wander until I get back to you my darling? I am not sure if I have it in me to stray much longer. I truly wish we had met earlier, I wish my desire to escape hadn’t pushed me away from a place I can finally call home. I see it now, for the first time in a while, the clear sky on a summer day, running barefoot through a tired land, weighed down by the hopes of a religious tyranny, exhausted by the weight of the unspoken truths and wars that plague and divide you, shaken by the depths of your sorrow and yet you’ve never looked so powerful in my eyes. I can hear the sound of your music, your unashamed cry for a better life, yet you power on, your joy of life astonishes me and attracts me like no other. 

I treasure the food that made you into a star and am grateful for each bite I can take, for every bite brings me closer to you. I cherish your mountains and your seas, your cities and your ruins, for they remind me of a greatness unknown to mankind, that was lost in the river of greed and corruption, that so sadly reminds them of you. But I don’t see that. I see a land of hope, but not the kind of hope where money and fortune arise, a deeper truth, a hope that rings every time a song is sung by your people, every-time your name comes up in conversations about films and art and architecture and all the belle arti that you so generously and selflessly gave the world to enjoy. 

I understand now why she spent so many hours looking out at Portofino from across the harbour. I know now why she sang her song with so much truth and defended your honour with all her strength. I get it now, the taste of your wine, the history of your language, the power of a Turandot and the tear that you give those who see you for what you really are. I wish your children would cherish you as much as the rest of the world does. For you are a piece of art. One which has withstood the test of time, you are classic and eternal. 

Somehow my long winding road leads to you. Your magic eludes me Italy but it doesn’t go unnoticed. Che bella cosa una giornata di sole. ‘O Italia mia.

[thebrowneyedlolita]

My Ideal World

If there was a way to best describe my ideal world, this would be it. I imagine it to be colourful and bright, but partially cloudy, enough so to evoke my favourite and long time friend “Nostalgia”. I believe the Brazilians like to call it Saudade.

I wouldn’t say no to a few rainy days a week to wash away all of our regrets and build up tensions, all of those unspoken words that make interactions difficult and hearts full of weight. A bit of rain so we can allow ourselves to be romantic and free, a few drops to teach us to not fear being damp and uncomfortable, a break from our constant need for warmth and shelter.

I imagine it to be musical and silent all at once, where silence is just the pause between different tracks that shape the playlist of our lives. A place where the distinction between flat and sharp is merely seen as the result of two opposite notes that would not exist without the aversion of the other as a B flat wouldn’t be called such without a B sharp to demonstrate so.

In this world I would turn fear into excitement and wouldn’t spend my days wishing I knew more about the surroundings. I would be sure to know why Brahms died and the year the Spanish Revolution happened. I would talk for hours about all kinds of things with strangers, the good and the bad, the heavy and the slow. They would listen to my words with the same intense , burning desire we have to speak them and be listened to. 

I would take all of the in-between and make it worth the while. My world would move slowly and constant and the increase in speed would result in adrenaline and not a race as the finish line would not exist. 

I would get to touch his belly once again and hear him sing to me, as there cannot be colour without him in my world. If I close my eyes I can see it clearly, the fresh snow, the first track, the sunny seaside and a Rat Pack album for Christmas. My hands are not cold anymore and there’s pasta on the kitchen table. My world is full and bright and my favourite song is on repeat.