theautisticmidwife

[theautisticmidwife]

~ Ya gal's published! 😊

Oh lord, I did not do well at keeping up to date with this blog and posting regularly 😂 I started my role as a band 5 midwife on the 10th October, and my feet haven't touched the ground since. It's going ok so far.

What pushed me to post today was that the UK Maternity and Midwifery Forum published an article that they asked me to write, on my experience as a student midwife with autism. It's on their website, it was sent out in their newsletter (my article title was the email header! And first on the list of articles), it's been posted on their Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. One of my uni lecturers, who was also my personal tutor and massively supportive throughout my degree, happened to see it, and reached out to me in an email saying absolutely lovely things. I've also already had an email from a lady who's read the article, which just bowled me over.

Today has been emotional, uplifting, and overwhelming! I feel very seen, and I'm not sure I like it 😂 I definitely couldn't be famous, because this is what it'd be like x1000000000000000, and today has been quite enough for me! Like if nobody else has anything to say about it after today, that'll be absolutely fine, because today has been amazing enough. If anyone would like a read of the article, I've included the link 😊

[theautisticmidwife]

~ Posted this on my Instagram a few days ago 😂 Thought some people might be able to relate?

[theautisticmidwife]

~ End of an era 🥺

This morning was a pretty big moment! I completed my 4th nightshift in a row, and that marked the end of my last week of placement, last week of my degree, and last week of being a student midwife. I am in a state of massive WTF and I'll most definitely have a cry later once everything's sunk in. I can't decide if the last 3 years have flown or dragged. So much has happened in between and it's been really f*cking difficult, but I don't regret a single moment, of anything. I just wish that I could've told myself a few months ago to hang in there, to put pen and paper down from writing a plan for my own funeral even, that things will get better and everything will be ok.

I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that things happen as they are meant to and that some events need to happen in order for other, better events to occur. I'm one strong little f*cker and I've worked my arse off. Plus, I've brought 47 brand new little lives into the world. I'm proud of me. Being a student midwife is hard. Being a midwife is difficult. Being a student midwife/midwife with autism is DIFFICULT IN CAPITALS.

I have a bit of time off now to put my brain back together, before I start my procured job as a newly qualified midwife and start the rest of my life; what I consider to be the start of my 'real adult life'. I should have more time to post entries on here hopefully, as this blog fell by the wayside but I'd really like it to keep on going and raise more awareness.

🖤💜🤘💜🖤

[theautisticmidwife]

🤔 Autism/sensory/OCD problems: Touching things in shops because the texture looks intriguing, but then instantly regretting it because you start thinking how many other people might have touched the item too and they won't have been as scrupulous with their hand hygiene as you and germs and where's my hand sanitiser and 🤯

[theautisticmidwife]

~ The story so far 🦋

I did say I didn't have the attention span to keep up with a blog 😂 Or did I not say that? I dunno, anyway, I'm spinning a lot of plates but the next thing I think is important to talk about is the back story! As best I can anyway 🙂

My mum suspected something was a bit different about me at a young age, but it was the early nineties and autism wasn't really a 'thing'. We were having a rough time too though, so I think subconsciously she maybe didn't want to acknowledge that I had something 'wrong' with me when she was already having to deal with so many other things that were problematic. I don't blame her for it or hold any ill feelings towards her at all of course! My mum's been my best friend when no one else has been, for 31 years now.

Right from nursery, I really struggled to 'fit in' and make friends. I've struggled to make and keep relationships with friends or partners my whole life. I was teased at nursery and there's this bloody awful photo of my whole nursery group after a dance class where all the other girls are wearing dark blue shimmery leotards and grinning at the camera, and I'm right on the end wearing a pale blue non-shimmery leotard gazing off in the wrong direction with my finger in my mouth. All the other girls had long straight hair, and I had short blonde curly hair, just to make me even more the odd one out 😂 It's a corker. I haven't been able to find it for years actually, I think my mum might have burned it...

At birthday parties I didn't really like to join in with the games or dancing and I had to actually be removed from the room with someone else's mum if there were balloons, cos I was terrified in case they popped. I've always been very sensitive to noise, especially loud noise or sudden noises that could give me a fright. I once let a door slam in my friend's face in Junior school because the fire alarm went off and I turned and legged it along the corridor cos the noise made me like ARGHHHH. In my last job, I used to cover my ears discretely when I knew they were gonna be testing the fire alarm, and if I see an ambulance coming silently along the road I tend to discretely cover my ears in case the siren suddenly starts up. In Infants school, if this one particular girl started getting upset about something (you know, daft things that little kids get upset over, like wanting to use the pink pen but someone else is using it) then I'd run off along the corridor and hide in the cloakroom under everyone's coats until the teacher realised I was missing and come to drag me back to the classroom. One particular teacher once didn't give me any sweets that she was handing out to the class the day before Christmas holidays started, and told my mum it was because I'd been a 'naughty girl' who 'kept running off and hiding'. Ignorant cow. I was never naughty. I was too quiet to be naughty! But, again, it was the nineties and that teacher wouldn't have had a clue what might really be going on.

I've never liked joining in with games in general (Someone made the mistake of buying me Monopoly when I was younger and I only made it about 5 minutes into my first and only game before I threw a little paddy and walked off, because I couldn't understand the rules and I hated maths). I've never liked being forced to sit with other people to eat. I'd much rather eat on my own (the eating disorder did nothing to help this of course).

I have my routine and I like things to be a certain way, and god help us all if my routine gets disrupted 🙃 I notice tiiiiiny things. My mum knows she can't do anything secretly where I'm involved, because I notice everything. I'll notice that one small object has moved about a millimetre to the left of where I left it. I'll focus on something that's miles and miles away in the distance out the window and be gazing at it for as long as I can. My long term memory is incredible, but my short term memory is terrible. I was a very creative kid and loved drawing, writing and reading. My reading was advanced, so sometimes the teacher would let me sit in her chair and read to everyone, all the other kids sat at my feet on the carpet 😅

~ To be continued 🦋

[theautisticmidwife]

Today has been pretty f*cking special because I had my first interview for a newly qualified midwife role, and I was offered the job 😁 I'll start in September, when my degree is finished.

I only applied for my local hospital where I've done all of my placements for the last 3 years because I knew that I'd need to start off as a qualified midwife in familiar surroundings, to prevent as much disruption as possible so that I don't get overwhelmed and socially anxious. Y'know, autism stuff and it's a 5 minute drive from my house, cos if I had to suddenly start driving a far distance to another, different hospital I'd be like *scream* 🙃

I actually was bold enough to mention my autism in my job interview, in terms of how I notice small details as one of my beneficial qualities, but also I was asked generally how I handle stress at work and how I unwind. I was candid and honest and said that sometimes I can get overstimulated and overwhelmed and that, if possible, it's best if I can just go sit quietly somewhere for a moment and be left alone when that happens. Obviously in the hospital there's a lot of noise, it's extremely busy, there's a lot of people talking all at once, it's loud, it's bright, it's hot, etc etc so it's very easy to get overstimulated and overwhelmed. Admittedly sometimes I don't cope too well with it and have just shut down/disassociated in the past, but I'm hoping I can try and come up with some coping techniques for when I'm holding a hell of a lot more responsibility as a NQM. I was meant to be getting referred to an organisation who'd help me with coping techniques but I got let down by the system 🙄 So if anyone can recommend any, please let me know!

[theautisticmidwife]

It was my 31st birthday today and this was my cake 😂 Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're too old for a birthday cake in the shape of a guinea pig.

I ate his party hat while I was waiting for my pizza to cook, because I'm a terrible excuse for an adult.

🎂

[theautisticmidwife]

The way I like to describe autism to people, is that I see the world a little differently to everyone else, and that sometimes that's a beautiful thing and a blessing, but other times it makes day to day life really bloody difficult.

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[theautisticmidwife]

Hello! :)

I'm new to Tumblr and, after creating my account and spending far too long getting my colour scheme the way I wanted it (it's still not bloody right) and then spending even longer scrolling other posts, I finally remembered to concentrate and get this show on the road.

Just a little bit about me first, as I'm currently on my exercise bike with one of those neck fans on that makes you look SO COOL (not. But FYI it is actually the best £11 I've ever spent and the fans change colour so I'm happy as a pig in sh*t) and that's not really an ideal situation for serious typing.

I live in the North-East of England, on the coast. I love the seafront and can't imagine ever living somewhere that's not near the sea. I'm 30 years old, but turning 31 on Monday 🥴 I listen to mainly rock and metal music. I'm vegetarian. I'm single. I have a black and white hamster called Pepé. I'm a very active person. I wear a lot of black but I also love glitter. I was very hardcore goth as a teenager but I styled it out, though a little goth girl still lives inside of me who screams if I enjoy the odd song by a pop artist or whatever.

I'm in the final two months of my 3-year-long Midwifery degree. In September, all going well, I'll be qualifying as a midwife. This blog is mainly going to cover the frustrations that I've experienced particularly in the last year whilst being a student midwife with autism. The autism has also been linked to my current and/or historic obsessive compulsive disorder, dermatillomania, anorexia, anxiety and depression; the majority of which I'll probably not mention much again after this.

I want this to be a safe and respectful space. I'm certainly not here to ruffle any feathers, so don't ruffle mine 🙂 Don't anyone start any fights or whatever because I really hate confrontation, it makes me flush red hot and start sweating and I'll just start crying and shut down.

I need an outlet beyond my poor mum 😂 and if I can help a few folk out along the way, then even better. 💜

~ Stay tuned.