the-ultimate-oof

[the-ultimate-oof]

tsukishima: i swear, every talk i have with you people gets more and more absurd!

kuroo: you say “you people” like you’re not already part of the group.

bokuto: yeah, i’ve got news for you, bud. you’re already on the christmas card.

[the-ultimate-oof]

kageyama: [interrupts tsukishima]

tsukishima: don’t interrupt me.

yamaguchi: [interrupts tsukishima]

tsukishima: go ahead babe, i’m listening.

[the-ultimate-oof]

ushijima: you are... flower

tendou: explain?

ushijima: you make me happy

[the-ultimate-oof]

oikawa: okay, let’s stop using the word “butthurt”, we’re not twelve anymore.

hanamaki: you sound fannytroubled.

matsukawa: a little bootybothered if you ask me.

iwaizumi: someone’s having a tushytantrum.

[the-ultimate-oof]

kuroo: how much money did you spend on your date with akaashi?

bokuto: $1400. but it’s all on my credit card, so it’s more like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.

kuroo:

[the-ultimate-oof]

kuroo: i’m so useless

kenma: what! no you’re not!

kenma: you can be used as a bad example, for one

[the-ultimate-oof]

akaashi: i’m like an onion.

bokuto: what? you have layers?

akaashi: no, i make people cry.

[the-ultimate-oof]

kenma: i am going to stay closeted my whole life and i will never date a guy, instead i will marry a girl to please my family and-

hinata: hi

kenma’s gay: [shoves open the closet door, bursting out]

kenma: i’m gay

[the-ultimate-oof]

oikawa: iwa-chan, if i could rearrange the alphabet, the first thing i’d do is put U and I together <3

iwaizumi: shittykawa, the first thing you’d do is spell S E X and then laugh about it for hours.

oikawa: you got me there

[the-ultimate-oof]

tendou, sadly: why am i not a banana?

ushijima: because your genetic code dictates that you are human. however, you should be pleased to note that humans share 50-60% of their DNA with bananas.

tendou: wait, so some people are 10% more banana than others?

[the-ultimate-oof]

hinata: have you been yelled at by kageyama-kun yet?

yamaguchi: i’m not scared of him!

hinata: ...so that’s a no then

[the-ultimate-oof]

no one:

oikawa: if i ever spike and shrimpy blocks it, do not avenge me, that’s MY fault, he caught ME slipping!

[the-ultimate-oof]

kenma, holding out a bag of chips: do you desire a crisped potato?

hinata: don’t mind if i do- wait, crisped potato? what?

kenma: how about a toothed brush?

hinata: what-

kenma: KEYED BOARD

[the-ultimate-oof]

hinata: [stubs his toe] ouch! hot belgian waffles, that hurt!

hinata: wait, technically i’m not a kid anymore... so i can swear without feeling guilty

kageyama: HINATA NO

hinata: [takes a deep breath]

hinata: FUCK

[the-ultimate-oof]

kuroo: stop saying “i wish” and start saying “i will”.

kenma: i will my parents still loved me

[the-ultimate-oof]

daichi: knowing what to do in an emergency is very important, so i’ll teach you some basic first aid procedures. for example, what would you do if i got shot?

suga, eyes darkening: avenge you.

[the-ultimate-oof]

oikawa:

iwaizumi: you know what your problem is? you’re really cute, so no one’s ever told you to shut your pie hole.

oikawa:

oikawa: you think i’m cute

iwaizumi: SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE