the-polite-lurker

[the-polite-lurker]

My Story: A Journey into Faith

After some time and careful consideration I’ve decided to share my story of my life so far and my journey to discovering the love of our lord. I’m sharing this out of hope that it’ll inspire the faithful to keep going forward and bring any potential converts to the church. I will have to warn that there will be mentions of bullying, manipulation, satanism, and child abuse but I’ll keep it as vague as possible where I can. If that’s not something you can handle, your health should be your priority and I’ll be praying for you all! :)

Anyway, let’s go to the beginning. My mother was raised in a strict Methodist household and abandoned any faith she had in God as a result of how my grandmother treated her. My father was raised in an atheist family and suffered physical abuse along with his parents divorcing. My parents met in university and were married for about a decade before having me. Initially, my parents never wanted children but one day during a holiday in New Zealand my mother just suddenly had the urge to have a baby. After a lot of convincing I was conceived. I believe that God convinced my mother to have a child because he has a genuine purpose for me, as much as she’ll never believe it, she experienced something divine in that moment. My mother had a difficult pregnancy but I was born healthy a week before I was due because of my mother’s high blood pressure.

I have very little memory of being a young child. I went to a poorly maintained daycare where myself and many other children were mistreated, given improperly cooked food, kept within the vicinity of toxic plants (myself and a boy both needed medical attention after eating one, because toddlers do that. Our parents only noticed something was wrong because we couldn’t talk as our mouths were so swollen. The staff didn’t care. I remember none of this but my mother remembers it vividly), made to sit outside in the rain to eat and had comfort objects taken away from us if they weren’t “proper toys”. I wasn’t diagnosed with autism at that time and I preferred to play with leaves or read alone. The staff would photograph me playing with leaves and make printed documents of “evidence” against me, for the crime of being different from the other 2-5 year olds. One of the only vivid memories I have of being a toddler is of nap time when I was 3 years old. I couldn’t sleep so I got up to find a staff member but instead of being put back to sleep or given a quiet activity in another room I was forcibly dragged outside where the 4-5 year olds were having story time and I was sat where I couldn’t see the book and had my ears plugged as punishment. Much worse things probably happened but I cannot remember them due to my young age and my PTSD.

It was my school years that were really hard. 2012 to 2023, some of the hardest times in my life. As much as things got much worse after starting school, it’s also when I first started experiencing the grace of God. It was at school that I was first exposed to the concept of religion, and it was through other students. Other kids in my kindergarten class would mention church or Jesus and it intrigued me, but when I asked my parents about it my mother said that we didn’t believe in that stuff and my father straight up called it bullshit (swearing at a 5 year old, great job dad!). It was also around this age that I likely first started being sexually abused by my great uncle, though I have no real firm idea about when that started, I won’t mention it again but it stopped when I was 14 and resulted in an addiction to lustful content which I’m finally getting the upper hand against thanks to the healing power of the lord! It was also around the age of 5 that I would’ve first been exposed to Satan’s manipulation and began to actively sin, mostly through theft of school property and hurting myself and other kids.

To change to a much happier subject, I’ll now discuss my first true divine experience of God. I was around 7 years old and still barely knew anything about God. I had just finished my bath and when I got out of the tub I suddenly felt compelled to pray. I initially kneeled but I eventually curled up in the fetal position with my towel draped over my body like a veil. I prayed for peace and for my pain to end and then I saw it. I saw a small tree in a beautiful field where everything felt safe. The tree had a golden glow around it and what I didn’t know at the time but know now is that it was an olive tree. I smiled, I wept, and I said Amen for the first time in my life. It lasted only a few seconds but it’s impossible to forget it and how that experience of God made me feel. If I look back at old art from the time, I see mostly demons, monsters and rainbows with the colours in the wrong order. But I found one that was just crosses drawn all over the page in yellow pencil. I have no memory of drawing it but it gives me more hope that I was receiving Gods love even then.

Fast forward many years to this year, 2024. Following covid I developed POTS, which I was finally diagnosed with on Halloween. In combination with an experimental birth control that I was taking at the time I was far too sick to continue my schooling so I dropped out of school in February of this year. It was after I left that the true intentions of ex my best friend became clear. If you’re part of the ttte fandom you likely came across an account by the name bluecanofbeans14 on this website. That account was initially created by both myself and my ex best friend to post ttte content. This changed very quickly when he began making satanic posts, following satanic blogs and making me join in on satanic rituals. He’d also in the previous years convinced me that I was a trans man. I am not, I am a woman and I was being manipulated because I was experiencing extreme self hatred and identity confusion. This forced transition has a silver lining as it’s how I discovered my true name. My name is Gabriel, but it’s not my birth name. During this period of my life I was considering a more masculine name and while listening to my mother read off of a list from google I had my second vivid experience with God. When my mother said my name “Gabriel” out loud I felt a rush of joy and felt like I was being screamed at by some divine force telling me to pick that name, so I did. At the time I thought I just liked the name but now I’m sure that my guardian angel was telling me my true heavenly name. Gabriel means “God is my strength” and it is a name that fits me and I’ll always cherish the gift of receiving my name.

Back to my ex friend. I initially went along with his satanic beliefs because I was lonely and didn’t have the confidence to find better friends at that time. The boiling point came when he started harassing other users who had Christian beliefs. He was initially more relaxed and widespread but soon focused all his anger on one person who’d done absolutely nothing. I’m not tagging them for privacy reasons but they know exactly who they are and are someone I’d now consider a friend or at least a close acquaintance. It was around the same time that he posted a picture of MY dogs on the blog and claimed ownership of them. He has his own pets so I’m unsure exactly why he did that, but I suspect it was to trap me so that I wouldn’t be able to post pictures of my own pets without being dragged back into association with him. I eventually came to my senses after he tried convincing me to also harass this person with satanic messages. I wrote a message down, deleted it without sending and cried my eyes out because I felt so guilty despite not having become part of it. After revealing himself as the bully and essentially getting cancelled, I deleted the account because it was linked to my email and made a personal account for myself. I stayed in a terribly strained relationship for a few months after that before finally getting the courage to ditch him forever.

It was during this incident that I attended my first ever mass, and the joy I felt being in that church was so incredible I cannot find any words appropriate to describe it. After attending the mass regularly for a couple weeks I started helping out in the garden and taking part in praying the rosary on Wednesday mornings before mass. It’s then that I began receiving dreams. I had one where I encountered Saint Dymphna and the Virgin Mary in a field of marigolds, where my holy mother gave me a marigold in place of her heart and gave me the commandment of modesty. I’ve also experienced sightings of the Virgin Mary, Saint Dymphna and Saint Ignatius of Antioch in the background of otherwise ordinary dreams and have experienced dreams of hell. I’ll have to cover those dreams another time.

As of right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! I’m due to start the RCIA, I’m making friends, I’m getting healthier, I’m praying more, I’m dressing modestly, I’ve completely stopped taking birth control (I’m a virgin anyway so I don’t know why my doctor put me on it at all) and I’m overall just loving my existence! I have never felt such love as I have from Jesus Christ and I’ll forever love him above all. God heals, and if I’m still going it means that anyone who is struggling can, by the grace of God of course. If you’re still alive, it means you have a purpose. This is my story, and God bless all of you!

(I ran out of tags crud)

[the-polite-lurker]

I’m considering sharing my life story and how I found the Catholic faith despite all I’ve been through. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been and I want to give others with similar experiences confidence that they aren’t broken or horrible.

[the-polite-lurker]

This gives me comfort.

[the-polite-lurker]

My not very good dad wants to spend time with me today and there’s no getting out of it. Please pray that it goes smoothly and nothing bad happens.

[the-polite-lurker]

Please pray for my mother. She’s become obsessed with The Walking Dead and I think it’s having a negative impact on her mental health. Every time an important character dies she comes to me crying. I keep telling her to stop watching it but she just laughs it off. I’m really worried about her…things could be worse but I still really don’t like this… :(

[the-polite-lurker]

The same train goes past at the same time every day and you’ve never cared. WHY ARE YOU BARKING AT IT NOW?! WHAT CHANGED?

[the-polite-lurker]

First truly hot day of the season, I’m burning up it’s like 32*C! And it’s only going to get worse in Summer…

[the-polite-lurker]

Why oh why do I keep getting ads for dating apps? I’m not interested thank you very much! I’d rather stay a virgin for life.

[the-polite-lurker]

Happy 18th Birthday to Me!

My mother took me out to high tea! My dad did absolutely nothing but that’s typical of him.

Also happy All Saints’ Day!

[the-polite-lurker]

Being firmly centrist is hard. I can’t like one anti-homophobia post without getting recommended leftist junk and I can’t like one pro-life post without being recommended MAGA junk. I have left wing values and right wing values mixed together but no I have to join a side. I’m not even American, this election has little impact on me (though both options suck, pray for America). I’m just frustrated that everything has to be political these days.

[the-polite-lurker]

These are much needed!

[the-polite-lurker]

Don’t ask questions, there is a situation. Anyone who sees this, pray your hardest. Even if you don’t believe in God, pray. It’s about as much as I can do.

[the-polite-lurker]

Seriously? Get lost AI advert!

[the-polite-lurker]

A fourteen year old boy ended his life over a relationship with an AI chatbot and yet people still think that AI and social media doesn’t cause children harm? The world we live in…lord have mercy!

News Article for proof:

[the-polite-lurker]

I really hate AI “art”. It’s abysmal and when used in Christian contexts it’s blasphemous. However, this one made me laugh. What is supposed to be portrayed here?

Why is the sun smoking?

Worst thing is some people wouldn’t know it’s AI…I’m considering making a side blog about how to spot AI images as I’ve gotten quite good at it.

[the-polite-lurker]

I managed to resist a temptation that I struggle with today! I’m so proud of myself!

[the-polite-lurker]

Through my prayer and reflection on mental health that I’ve been doing this week I’ve come to the realisation that I might have a hoarding disorder…I mean…I haven’t used my sewing machine in months because this is what my desk looks like…

Please pray for me I’m such a doofus.