terracalaway-blog - Tumblr blog

[terracalaway-blog]

PROJECT: Hate Can't Win

Hate Can't Win.

In the world today, we see hatred on every corner. In person, on social media, on our tv screens. We are surrounded by negativity and hate. But hate can't win.

We are teaching our children, our teenagers, our young, impressionable adults that hate is ok... That hate wins.

Hate can't win.

Love all genders. Love all races. Love all sexual orientations. Love all body shapes. Love all humans.

We are in this together, this world should be left better than when we arrived.

Hate can't win.

Become a driving force in bettering our future and proudly show your fight against hate with one of these t-shirts. This shirt is available in every color under the rainbow as well as black and white. These are unisex fit t-shirts. We want to thank Kevin Brittingham for the wonderful inspiration.

Available at http://www.dropkickdepression.com/product/hate-can-t-win

[terracalaway-blog]

THIS IS NOT OK.

I keep typing and deleting because I'm just so flabbergasted. I don't add fans on here, fans add me. So this dude ADDED ME at some point in time. This dude added an OVERWEIGHT FEMALE WRESTLER on social media and then spent his time blasting a gorgeous woman on her body. So make up your mind, bro.

Here is the thing. I do not think promoting an unhealthy lifestyle is good. I do think promoting loving your own body is good. I do think being healthy as good. There are large men and women who are healthy. If she wasn't healthy, she wouldn't pass the physicals or be on TV. She's obviously healthy. Some people are big and healthy, some are shredded and healthy. To each their own. But how dare you, how DARE YOU try to discredit her because of her weight.

As a fat, overweight female wrestler, I take offense. As a woman working on her body and trying to fix years of mental and physical abuse the caused depression which lead to the weight gain, I take offense. As a woman, I take offense. As decent human being, I take offense.

If you feel that you can shame or discredit anyone, male or female, due to their shape, size, gender, sexual orientation, race, or beliefs, get the hell off of my page and join this guy in asinine arrogance.

[terracalaway-blog]

rough morning.

This morning was a bit of a rough one.

This morning I heard audio of an altercation between a couple. You all know what I'm talking about. Why did a short clipping of an argument spark a rough morning?

"It'll get me away from you" "Anything to get away from you"

I've never gone fully in detail with my personal life, but I feel today is a good day for it. You see, I've screamed those same words. Those same tears. I know how it feels to be so blind and naive when you think your feelings are those of love. That the hurt and anger isn't real. But it is...

I was in a toxic relationship. He wasn't just toxic for me, but we were toxic for each other. It started out great. We were happy. Then around 6 months in, I saw the first bit of anger out of him. He called me names that no man should ever say to the "woman he loves". He told me how worthless and pathetic I was. But the next day, he apologized and hugged me and kissed me and "made it all better". Then a few months later, it started again. Over small things. Things that shouldn't be that big of a deal. But every time, we'd fight, I'd cry, he'd apologize hours later or the next day and it'd be fine.

I told myself the good days outweighed the bad, so it was ok. This continued and got worse as time went on. By the second year, I was afraid of him. He would snap for anything. Now, I'm not a combative person and I hate conflict, but at the time when he'd get into my face, I would then get defensive of myself and scream back. Even if I knew it was a stupid argument and over nothing. I would scream back just to hide the fact I was afraid. Then things started being thrown at me. Dishes, decorative pieces of furniture that were in range, a cat climbing tower. It was getting worse. At one point, I was so afraid and on crutches from a wrestling injury that I called the police. Again, all these arguments were over nothing or something that shouldn't escalate to that point.

I was told I was worthless, I should kill myself, I was a piece of shit. I had a door slammed into my head that broke the door.

Yet I stayed. Why? Because "the good days outweighed the bad". When he was happy, it was great. We got along so well. It was like Jekyll & Hyde. I started believing I was a bad person. I started believing I should kill myself. I started believing I was worthless. But on those good days, it was good.

Toward the end, it was never good. But no one knew that. I went on Facebook and posted how happy I was, how awesome he was, what a wonderful life we lived. I smiled through social media. I made it seem like we were the perfect couple. I don't know why. Maybe I didn't want people to ask because it'd set him off, maybe I didn't want people to know because they'd judge me. Just something in my brain told me "Don't let them know..." I made up lies to cover what I was going through. I was happy. So "happy" I wanted to die. So "happy" I tried to die.

Then the day came where I knew it was over. I finally got the courage to go. I was so scared, I called my friend who lived an hour away to come get me. We were most of the way back to her place when he called, begging me to come back. Halfway between begging and telling me he was going to destroy my stuff. I panicked and had her take me back, where I swore to her I would leave in the morning. My mothers ex-husband was in town for a softball tournament with my sister, so I knew I had a way to escape. I went back, we fought, we screamed, and it came to the point where he gave in, stormed off and told me to have myself and my stuff out by dawn.

Dawn came, my stepfather arrived, and I started to leave. He grabbed me by my arms and told me I wasn't leaving. He shoved me into the wall and bear hugged me, screaming at me he wasn't letting me leave. That I wasn't allowed to leave. I shoved and screamed for help, hoping my stepfather would hear me. I finally got one arm free and elbowed him as hard as I could in the head. He gave up and went back to screaming and throwing things. He threw my things outside our two story apartment, onto the lawn. He screamed threats at my stepfather who was below, putting my things into my car. I grabbed what I could and ran. I ran and never looked back.

When people noticed we had split, they were so confused. Why did the happy couple just randomly disappear from each other? It caused more questions than I wanted. Than I expected. It was hard. But I'm alive, I'm happy. I will forever be scarred, I still cry about it, I still have moments where I'm scared when I shouldn't be.

But it gets better because I know one thing -- I'm safe.

So this morning, when I heard the familiar screams of mental pain, it hurt. Now no one truly knows what happens behind closed doors, no one knows both sides of the story if only one is present. All I can say is if you are one of those girls or guys that know what it feels like to "love" so much that you are no longer sure if it's love or hate... You are not alone.

If you need help, please reach out. If it ever escalates to where you are afraid, to where you fear for your life, please do something. Not everyone escapes but you don't have to be that person.  Get help. Be safe. No one will judge you, no one will ridicule you. I've been there, like millions of other women and men... It will be ok.