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[teatoohottohandle]

I know what my mother is thinking. I know she's pissed. In her eyes, someone who continues to give so much to a man she despises, she sees me, giving too much to my partner. She thinks I'm foolish. And maybe I am! Maybe I am foolish to trust and be vulnerable. But at least I am not with someone for the sake of not being completely alone.

[teatoohottohandle]

[teatoohottohandle]

lately i have been so uneasy around men.

I will be walking the boys and if a man happens across our walking path, we will cross or if we can't then I'll hold my breath and try to hold my gaze steady straight ahead. it's like i want to disappear and be invisible and also want to come across as unbothered and completely unfuckwithable.

lately 2 boys in my neighborhood have been harassing me and calling me racial slurs.

last week I saw a boy cuss out a janitor and then the people around him who called him out on it.

2 months ago, a boy accidentally or purposefully brushed his arm against my chest.

every Tuesday and Thursday when I'm supervising a high school club, I see boys act hard talk big and never do shit.

I'm perturbed. I'm sensitive to all of these things and freeze when toxic masculinity disrupts my peace or what could have been a pleasant moment.

it's so easy to write "next time I will _________" but to unfreeze and change my conflict avoidance tendencies is so hard. it is so difficult because I am also scared.

those boys who call me racial slurs won't do shit.

that high school boy who cussed out the janitor won't do shit.

that boy whose arm brushed against my chest is someone I'll never see again.

why am I scared then??? if I know these boys won't ever do shit because all they do is talk the walk, then what? what am I so afraid of?

[teatoohottohandle]

Grief, healing

Earlier today, I got dinner with my cousin and my brother. As we're catching up, we talk about our gay uncles who are living their best lives. My cousin says, "At least one of them is happy," referring to our aunts and uncles. To which I respond, "I think our mom is happy too."

My brother releases a snide comment, "Well she would be if she could get the family together."

My cousin attempts to diffuse this situation by stating, "Well first things first, she's gotta get her siblings together."

It's a snide comment because this is the second year I've gone without talking to Lisa, who is my biological sister. And in actuality, I have another sister who also doesn't speak to Lisa, which I personally feels like says more about Lisa than it does the rest of the family.

I didn't know what to say to his snide comment or to my cousin's quick diffusion but as I was showering after dinner, I decided to practice saying things:

Let me ask you this, what do you think the actual problem is -- that her children don't talk to each other or that her children have hurt each other and don't apologize or acknowledge their harmful actions?

What makes you say that?

You saying that makes me feel a little attacked and makes me feel like you're insinuating I'm the problem. Could you explain what you mean?

What do you think would help this family heal?

I got the last question from my partner who asked me this last week -- what would I like for Lisa to do to feel like we could have an amicable relationship?

I told my partner that I wasn't sure. A formal, sincere, authentic apology would be one... Therapy. Family therapy. And the understanding that conversations are only going to be limited to small talk like the weather. Because Lisa demonstrates high / extreme narcissistic patterns...

[teatoohottohandle]

Spotify Blend~December

Listening to me and Jose's Spotify Blend and I think it's just the sweetest thing ever. Sometimes when I think about our love, I just feel the most comfortable and softest being ever. I feel like butter melting on toast, fried rice, eggs, noodles, etc...

Our love is so soft and tender and it's like soft, mellifluous voices echoing in a cozy room filled with blankets, pillows. Our love is precious and it's something I've never experienced before. I'm thankful for Jose, Chaco, and Iago. They remind me to be soft, to be sanded down, to be smooth.

[teatoohottohandle]

[teatoohottohandle]

November love letter

In an act to center joy and joyous moments in my life, I want to dedicate a love letter to myself. Not a to-do list, not a checklist, not means of "productivity" to showcase how I'm successful or to try to discern meaning into my life by believing crossing something off my list is enough (though it is satisfactory).

This month, I want to be present. This past weekend I had the most positive and lovely experience being with my partner. I felt surrounded by love in their presence. We had no official plans, we just met up at my place, ate, talked, laughed, and took everything one thing at a time. We got to workout together on Sunday. They're my first romantic partner where I feel comfortable enough to expose myself like that. Where I feel comfortable enough to act silly and get a tough workout done -- no matter how ridiculous I may look.

In that same vein, I've only been going to the gym if someone else is going. I'd like to go by myself, for myself this month. I'd like to experience the confidence I feel when I'm working out with my partner. But I'm also questioning it -- do I feel comfortable working out because my partner is there or am I deflecting discomfort in the inconsistent belief that I'm not capable of doing things by myself and that I need someone to validate me? I think in challenging myself to go to the gym once alone will motivate me this month and see for myself which one it is.

---

I fell asleep writing this love letter at the beginning of the month and now I am revisiting it at the end of the month.

I just want to say that I did go to the gym by myself this month. Just for me. I got a leg workout done on the leg machines and it felt great. One, just to know that I went for myself. And two, I didn't have to wait on anybody.

As I reflect on this month, there were some unforeseeable things and things that were planned, I just didn't plan for them intentionally. For one, I'm dog sitting for my sister right now. Her dog had gotten sick on my rug and then my robot vacuum went off on its scheduled time and ran over it. I caught Chaco on my camera barking at something. It was the fact that my sister's dog was doing his business and Chaco was probably upset and barking at him to get him to stop.

Secondly, my partner and I aired everything out -- everything we felt like wasn't right or going as well as it could in our relationship. Although we've been experiencing some really great and wholesome moments of rest, relaxation, and comfort, we had admittedly gotten too comfortable in some aspects of our lives like the ways in which we communicate. I had gotten too comfortable with the ways in which my family dislikes my partner. I had gotten too comfortable with the ways in which my family talks about my partner.

While it was a tough conversation, it was a much-needed one. I think we're stronger for it.

Thirdly, I had been expecting this for a minute, but I just found out that I won't be teaching next semester. It's disappointing. I really enjoyed teaching.

Lastly, even though this wasn't planned -- I finally hung up some frames. Granted it's not complete, I still have more to add, but I like how my office looks and I love the view from my desk now more than ever :)

I have really enjoyed writing this love letter instead of a to-do list. I resisted the urge to write a to do list on purpose because I wanted to effuse love in everything I do this month. To encourage intentionality and impact. I deserve more love and so do my loved ones <3

[teatoohottohandle]

Fuck capitalism & micromanagers

hands in soapy water

wrapped around a rag

to clean and mop my home.

I am thinking about how I am grateful.

For warm and cool shelter,

for protection,

for a loving family -- chosen and born into,

for my two dogs,

for a loving partner.

I am satiated. I am full. I am tired.

I am sending healing thoughts to those who don't feel full.

To those who feel like their lives are not complete but they have work, a 9 to 5, a Monday through Friday, an "and other duties as necessary," 40 hours spent being ineffective and difficult because

They are not satiated, they are not full, they are still tired.

[teatoohottohandle]

high schoolers/gen-z

I have been teaching high schoolers in a dual enrollment class for the past 4 months now. Dual enrollment meaning they are able to earn both high school and college credit.

I started out with 11 students and it's since whittled down to 5 -- these 5 are seniors and going various routes and pathways, but they are 5 close friends. It's endearing to have 5 close friends in class. It's something that you won't find too often in college at least. I appreciate them and I like having them, I think they're hilarious in their own little Gen-Z ways.

One time, I had walked into class, late, and I saw that one of the students was crying. There were 2 other students I had never seen before who were comforting this student. She had looked up at me and resumed crying. I was about to start class but noticed she had her face buried in her hands still, her elbows on the desk. So I paused and I asked, "Are you okay? Do you need to see a counselor?"

I kid you not she was faking it. She then launched into a verbal attack against a fellow classmate and claimed, "He fucked my boyfriend for the 4th time!" To which some of the class exploded in unstoppable laughter and I, being an adult who wasn't sure to take this seriously or not, repeated again, "Do you want to see a counselor?" They then proceeded to "pretend fight." It was one of the worst classes I had with them. They later apologized for having a "Fake Jerry Springer episode" but I wasn't pleased with that at all.

I've noticed over the past 4 months that they enjoy opportunities to touch each other.

The student who was fake crying for their fake Jerry Springer episode has attempted to squat several of her classmates.

Today, another student wrestled another student to the ground.

There was another pseudo, less dramatic Jerry Springer-esque fight that took place but because I had given those students 0 (zeroes) for participation and attendance that last time, they had quickly stemmed it before it became an episode.

And maybe touch is a way to communicate. Touch through an act of playfulness, touch as an act of recognizing each other, seeing each other, attempting to connect with one another.

I wanted to write about this and reflect on it because I saw someone I went to middle school with post on their IG Story, "Remember how in middle school you used to hug everybody you knew."

In high school we stopped and then in college I resumed my freshman year and then I became cognizant of touch and became uncomfortable with touching, with hugging, with any display of affection.

I long to hold my friends' hands, to give loved ones kisses on their cheeks as greetings. I just don't know where to start.

[teatoohottohandle]

A mother

*Listen to pRETTy by Lil Yachty*

I know that my relationship with my mother isn't the strongest. We have clashed a lot over time as I grew older, went through puberty. All of the fun stuff right?

But for some reason, as I cried silently and then sobbed into my partner's shoulders after crawling into bed, I could not help but think to myself, "When did my relationship with my family become so fucked up?"

These past 2 years, I stopped talking to a sister I was born with -- not that we're twins, she's about 8 years older than I am. Through therapy, I found myself realizing that I was the scapegoat to her narcissism. And I hated that for myself so I stopped talking with her and stopped associating with her. I have even started telling people that I have 2 sisters instead of 3.

Everyone is on a different growing path.

As that relationship ended, my entire dynamic with my family changed.

My mother became more judgmental.

My brother and I grew distant.

My third sister -- now I guess second -- and I grew closer.

My oldest sister and I have been closer than other siblings -- we have our ups and downs, which is natural. But she and Lisa were never on good terms so I feel like sometimes our hatred/disdain for Lisa feeds onto one another and it becomes a toxic hate fest.

With my mother, I feel constantly judged for being distant with the family. But my partner said something last night that resonated with me, "Everyone is on a different growing path." And it soothed me.

Two days ago, my mother called to yell at me, scold me, and judge me for making decisions without her input. While I value my mother's opinion and input, if I disagree with her, she will immediately tell me that it's my fault if things don't go my way. It's not the best feeling or the best thing to hear when I am struggling.

I want a supportive mother. I want a supportive family. I want a family that will recognize that I am on my own growing and healing journey and to respect that.

[teatoohottohandle]

Manifestations on this Aries sun and new moon

I want to be honest in a thoughtful way.

I want to be tender and to work on being compassionate even when I don't feel l can be.

I want a new job with better coworkers, better pay, better benefits.

[teatoohottohandle]

My partner and I have been spending a lot of time together. And it's through them -- and specifically their journal that they let me read -- that has brought to the forefront how I want to practice expressing my gratitude more often.

Some may know that I have been struggling at work for the past year. I have struggled with being the only social media lead / person in a "digital-first advocacy organization." And I have also struggled with the idea of radicalization, of activism, of advocacy, and my own ideas + identities within these concepts. I have struggled to maintain healthy energy levels and eating habits because of work. I have struggled with relationships -- maintaining, nurturing, holding all relationships because of work. In writing this and reflecting on it, I feel like I am suffering.

When my partner concludes their journal entries, they always write about how they appreciate the people in the life. They once wrote that they appreciated their mother and father for being such loving parents -- and for having a loving family. Another time they wrote about how they were appreciative that I expressed how grateful I was to him and his family for letting me stay with them over the holidays. It is not only endearing, it is heartwarming.

To see these appreciations written down with so much heart and love made me realize how often I don't express my own gratitudes, thanks, and appreciation for others on a consistent basis. I often think about loved ones and how/why I love them or why I appreciate them, but I hardly ever write it down. Writing it down feels like a commitment, an honored telling of what this person means to me and how I feel about them.

I can't necessarily blame the lack of my written word on work, but I will say that when I get my phone to text a loved one and let them know I'm thinking about them, I do get distracted by work emails and Slack messages. By the time the thought comes around of texting my loved ones, my phone is not on me or dead.

In reflecting on my relationships, I want my conversations to be full of joy, knowledge, care, empathy, respect. Not just me bitching about work and how I feel like I'll get better when I find a new job. Work will always be problematic -- my friendships and conversations and the things I think about shouldn't be full of complaints though.

Funnily enough, we had a training with Charlene Carruthers at work the other day on abolition and in her presentation and reflection questions, asked us:

What would it look like to rehearse this?

I was hung up on it for a while -- rehearse? What does she mean by rehearse? Does she mean practice? How am I going to practice envisioning an abolitionist future? But instead of saying practice, Carruthers intentionally chose rehearse.

So that is what I'm thinking about now. How can I rehearse expressing my gratitude, even when I feel drained and exhausted by the lack of meaningful and actually radical relationships at work? When I feel like the idea of radicalization actually appeals more to people (especially those in nonprofit advocacy spaces AND community-led/organized by community "activist" groups) than the actual work of rehearsing?

Sometimes I often feel like people want the final show -- the final product. But in thinking about rehearsal, it's not necessarily to get everything right come performance. It's about practicing, going through the motions to understand what comes next and to feel comfortable with what does or doesn't come next.

Tonight, I'm grateful for my partner, who is not here with me at this moment, but encouraged me to put some written thoughts somewhere and allow the words to guide me towards a rehearsal.

[teatoohottohandle]

new moon

letting go of old interpretations and visions; reimagining what is possible.

finding a new path, one that is more aligned with my authentic desires.

don't necessarily have to go anywhere for the revelations to unfold. all that is required is to set intentions to find my own truth and be open to all possibilities, however unconventional they may seem.

intention of this moon phase is to open my mind to different avenues to help me from limiting myself.

my visions are being supported by the universe.

the passage of time can assist me on my journey.

dissolve my worries and concerns around figuring out all the details of how to make my dreams come true, focus on how I can stretch my imagination and faith to new heights.

remember the dreams and wishes of my inner child.

becoming more conscious of my instinctive nature helps you naturally gravitate toward what brings you joy, contentment, and fulfillment.

Can I make more time to play and get in touch with my desires?

Does my life have a sense of meaning and purpose? What advice would you future self offer at this point in my journey?

Is there something you'd like to explore that you've been putting off?

Do any parts of you fear letting go of control and certainty?

What is something that I want to do and have never done before?

[teatoohottohandle]

“Your journey will be much lighter and easier if you don’t carry your past with you.”

— Unknown

[teatoohottohandle]

Love in Color by Bolu Babalola

"Their mouths met and answered every question they'd ever had about life's meaning; they discovered themselves to be philosophers, questioning and debating despite knowing, asking just so they could answer again and again and again," - From the myth of Siya

[teatoohottohandle]

I am walking down the aisle,

towards my seat.

there's a lingering awkward silence.

and the words are caught in my throat again.

I want to say it out loud, over the phone.

I'm terrified.

of flying, of being the first again.

to fall.

but I'm already caught

the words are falling back down into my stomach.

butterflies.

flying.

all I can muster on most days:

I miss you.

I don't want the feeling of rejection. again. I don't want to fly only to fall. to soar only to get burned by flying too close to your radiant beam. to crave, yearn, long. to feel like the air is knocked out of me & like I can't force these feelings down any longer.

I love you.

[teatoohottohandle]

growing

sometimes I think of the kids who bullied my cousin. the kids who made him feel terrible, feel like he wasn't enough. and how despite all of that, his parents still invited those kids to dinner, still asked if they had ate, still wanted to feed them, to put nourishment in these kids who were ripping away my cousin's self-esteem.

they have all grown up. my cousin has moved past the bullying and pain for the most part, but I think about it from time to time especially when I came into the scene. finally, someone who was family. someone who was older and theoretically had more authority. but I never sought to play this role. a punitive role. just wanted to let them know that they hurt him. and he hasn't moved past it quite yet.