teatoohottohandle

[teatoohottohandle]

My father is dying

My father was diagnosed with heart failure in 2015. He had a stroke in 2005, and another in 2015. He also was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease in 2015.

I know, as a Buddhist, as a person with logic, as a person in general, that everybody dies. Death is a cycle of life.

But I don't think I am ready to be someone who has lost their dad.

In 2024, my dad was starting to feel light-headed and like he was going to faint. His breathing was irregular. He had finally gotten on top of exercising, his medications, his cardiac defibrillator. His diet was better, not the best, but he had stopped drinking coffee and alcohol and soda so much. He was doing better and yet he was fading at times.

They found a leak in his left heart wall. A tiny leak because as the doctor explained to me, he has heart failure. I think it was the first time I heard "Your father has heart failure" as in my dad's heart is no longer working as well as it once was. And there is no recovery. There is no remission. There is no getting better. There is only getting worse as his heart is no longer able to pump blood as efficiently as it could.

This was September/October 2024. I dropped my dad off for his mitral clip surgery where they would insert a clip in the left ventricular wall to mend the hole. It would be a small insertion in his groin and they would take a tube from the groin to his heart. It would also require a small poke through his heart wall, which is actually very common in people. For the most part, a good majority of us do live with a hole in our hearts. When the surgery was done, the doctor called me and told me it went well. It was a 4 hour surgery and my dad is waking up. I can pick him up and take him home tomorrow but he'll still be experiencing shortness of breath, tiredness, and fatigue but he'll be starting medication therapy where a nurse will give him regular calls and ask how he's doing to see if they need to adjust his medications.

I don't know what came over me, but I asked what his life would look like now. And the doctor was straightforward:

About 50 percent of patients who have heart failure will be around in 5 years.

I think about that statistic everyday now. I'm 28 and I have been thinking this past week about how my dad may not live to see me turn 30, to see me make more important life decisions about potentially getting married, starting a family. He may not live long enough to see my brother graduate from medical school. He may not live long enough to experience the joys of being a grandparent.

In 5 years, I may not have a dad.

I may have to tell people that my dad is gone. And I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to accept that my dad is dying.

My father and I have always had a rocky relationship. When I was young, he used to work the third shift meaning he'd leave for work around 3-4pm and come back around midnight. Before he left for work, my brother and I would run into his arms and hug him goodbye.

But my dad had anger issues. He wouldn't be happy to hear us yelling, jumping on our beds, laughing in the mornings. He wanted to sleep after work and in the morning. He would wake up and beat the walls and tell us to be quiet. I was terrified of making him angry. Cowering in fear, we grew apart. My brother and I got older, too old to jump into my dad's arms and tell him bye.

In 2010, my dad was laid off and was unemployed for two years. I began to resent him because my mom picked up the slack. She did everything for us. She cooked, cleaned, bought new clothes for us, shuttled us from home to school to Chinese School to lion dance practice, to aunt and uncle's house, back home. She managed our schedules with our aunts and uncles to pick us up and made sure we were safe. Meanwhile my dad would spend all day watching movies, playing Solitaire, and then we had to help our dad apply for unemployment and for jobs on top of our schoolwork. It was a hard time and my resentment kept growing until suddenly, I just felt sick looking at him. I felt disappointed he was my dad. I felt disappointed he was my mom's partner, the dad to my mom's kids.

From there, we hardly spoke. And I took my mom's side.

I moved away in 2019 and then moved back in 2021 during the COVID pandemic. In 2021, I saw my dad cutting cucumbers on the kitchen counter -- no cutting board -- and I asked him why he was doing that on the counter and he immediately flew into a rage. He slammed his hands on the counters and pointed the knife at me. Sometimes I remember what he said, today I don't. I took the dogs and left. We walked to the park, I was crying the entire time. I've never had a knife pointed at me.

Since 2021, my dad has been in and out of the hospital. I didn't speak to him or look him in the eyes until he went to the emergency room in 2023. He drove himself because he felt like he couldn't breathe. They readjusted his heart meds, gave him new ones to take. In 2024, the complicated breathing increased along with feeling light-headed and like at any moment, he might faint.

It's in 2024 that I choose to let go and move forward with my dad. And it was a week ago that I decided no matter what, no matter how he has treated all of us and my mom, I can still help give him the best last years of his life.

Maybe it's a form of grieving and mourning, but when my mom's dad died, she cried happy tears.

We gave him the best life he could have ever had

is what her and my aunts and uncles keep telling me over the years. They all loved my grandpa, flaws and all, despite everything he didn't do and did do, throughout their lives, they have asked for forgiveness from him for the ways they disappointed him even if they were disappointed by him. I could never witness or experience that tenderness until these past couple of weeks. I felt like a loose string allowing myself to billow out and to let my feelings come and go, come and acknowledge, go and heal.

Dad, you will never read this. But I want you to know that a lot of people have tried to make this the best life you could have ever had.

[teatoohottohandle]

I took a risk and was honest and vulnerable. Thank you universe for responding.

[teatoohottohandle]

A love letter in December 2024

This year was emotionally tumultuous. I felt a creeping, stalking numbness attempt to and at times, successfully enter my body and force me out - an out of body experience truly.

When I think back to those times, it was mostly the spring and summer before I left UltraViolet. Those last moments were times when I attempted to logic my way out of my feelings and emotions - tried to reason that I "was being too emotional" and I had to think about my house, my car, my payments, my bills, the boys. I don't have anyone to help me financially anymore because truthfully I still owe my sister $4k and my mom $4k. Both of which are due to house projects. I tried to reason my way out of panic.

I should have let it settle in. I should have let my panic happen. Even though I'm always going to be at peace with leaving UltraViolet, I'm not sure if I left at the right time. I always knew I was gonna leave, it was just a matter of when.

It's led me down to a path where I'm questioning my worth and who I am meant to be. I'm not meant to be a cog in a capitalist machine or capitalism in general. But I do want to make a positive impact. One that is long lasting. Sometimes, I think about how I could have changed and transformed - especially when I'm teaching these dual enrollment classes. Teaching puts you in a position where you should constantly evaluate your power and control over students. How will you anchor that positioning of power, if at all? Teaching is a grounding job that i wouldn't mind doing. But does it mean that I would be "meant to" teach?

Sometimes I feel like I'm wrapped up in the journey of destiny vs appreciating that right now, things are far from perfect, and maybe that is exactly how it was supposed to be. When I was younger, I used to dream about when things felt right all the time and question when I would finally be at the place I'm supposed to be. Nowadays, I question if the decisions I'm making make sense and furthermore, if I got the $$$ to make such dumb decisions anymore.

When I was younger, I used to think those big purchases were when you'd be close to attaining something, but now, big purchases like a mortgage and a car are just bites in your ass. It ignites you to reconsider what adulthood means and looks like in a capitalistic society.

Teaching my ethnic studies course and my AAPI Cultures class, we talk about what's "normal" and what's not. Normal to them is being heterosexual, straight, cis, and growing up or raising a 2-parent household. You're being raised in a house. Your family owns a car. Family gatherings have some arguments, but generally everybody gets along as long as you say sorry.

All of this is encompassed in the American Dream. We've normalized the American Dream because we operate in a capitalist society that demand more = good and good = better and better doesn't exist for people of color, queer and trans communities, and disabled communities. Better simply is unachievable even if we have the house, the car, the clothes, the purses, the wallets, the shoes.

And our relationships are about length and not about navigating conflict well or communicating well in a capitalist society.

I watched a TikTok recently from Isaiah Frizzelle (sorry it's the Instagram link) who talked about how rare friendship is. It's not that our friendships are falling apart and that we have falling out, it's more so that the friendship was never there to begin with because not a lot of people know how to be good friends. It was motivating for me as I begin to reflect on the year and who I want to be for everybody I appreciate, respect, and want to be in community with.

For me, next year I want to be a better friend. I want to be someone who's not just appreciative of proximity and convenience, but fully and wholly express gratitude for who the person is. I want to be a good friend. I want to grow with my friends.

I'll keep in mind that conflict is good even though it feels awful to be embroiled in conflict / in the middle of it. I know that I can navigate conflict well. It's just a matter of trusting myself and others in the process that we'll move through the conflict. It won't be easy. But it will help my relationships grow stronger and that's what I seek -- growth, strength, resilience.

My communication needs to be better. I need to learn how to ask for help and be okay with being vulnerable. My pride gets in the way. My ego gets in the way.

To my December 2024 self, I love you and I love the growth you've done. Let's continue to unwind

[teatoohottohandle]

I know what my mother is thinking. I know she's pissed. In her eyes, someone who continues to give so much to a man she despises, she sees me, giving too much to my partner. She thinks I'm foolish. And maybe I am! Maybe I am foolish to trust and be vulnerable. But at least I am not with someone for the sake of not being completely alone.

[teatoohottohandle]

[teatoohottohandle]

lately i have been so uneasy around men.

I will be walking the boys and if a man happens across our walking path, we will cross or if we can't then I'll hold my breath and try to hold my gaze steady straight ahead. it's like i want to disappear and be invisible and also want to come across as unbothered and completely unfuckwithable.

lately 2 boys in my neighborhood have been harassing me and calling me racial slurs.

last week I saw a boy cuss out a janitor and then the people around him who called him out on it.

2 months ago, a boy accidentally or purposefully brushed his arm against my chest.

every Tuesday and Thursday when I'm supervising a high school club, I see boys act hard talk big and never do shit.

I'm perturbed. I'm sensitive to all of these things and freeze when toxic masculinity disrupts my peace or what could have been a pleasant moment.

it's so easy to write "next time I will _________" but to unfreeze and change my conflict avoidance tendencies is so hard. it is so difficult because I am also scared.

those boys who call me racial slurs won't do shit.

that high school boy who cussed out the janitor won't do shit.

that boy whose arm brushed against my chest is someone I'll never see again.

why am I scared then??? if I know these boys won't ever do shit because all they do is talk the walk, then what? what am I so afraid of?

[teatoohottohandle]

Grief, healing

Earlier today, I got dinner with my cousin and my brother. As we're catching up, we talk about our gay uncles who are living their best lives. My cousin says, "At least one of them is happy," referring to our aunts and uncles. To which I respond, "I think our mom is happy too."

My brother releases a snide comment, "Well she would be if she could get the family together."

My cousin attempts to diffuse this situation by stating, "Well first things first, she's gotta get her siblings together."

It's a snide comment because this is the second year I've gone without talking to Lisa, who is my biological sister. And in actuality, I have another sister who also doesn't speak to Lisa, which I personally feels like says more about Lisa than it does the rest of the family.

I didn't know what to say to his snide comment or to my cousin's quick diffusion but as I was showering after dinner, I decided to practice saying things:

Let me ask you this, what do you think the actual problem is -- that her children don't talk to each other or that her children have hurt each other and don't apologize or acknowledge their harmful actions?

What makes you say that?

You saying that makes me feel a little attacked and makes me feel like you're insinuating I'm the problem. Could you explain what you mean?

What do you think would help this family heal?

I got the last question from my partner who asked me this last week -- what would I like for Lisa to do to feel like we could have an amicable relationship?

I told my partner that I wasn't sure. A formal, sincere, authentic apology would be one... Therapy. Family therapy. And the understanding that conversations are only going to be limited to small talk like the weather. Because Lisa demonstrates high / extreme narcissistic patterns...

[teatoohottohandle]

Spotify Blend~December

Listening to me and Jose's Spotify Blend and I think it's just the sweetest thing ever. Sometimes when I think about our love, I just feel the most comfortable and softest being ever. I feel like butter melting on toast, fried rice, eggs, noodles, etc...

Our love is so soft and tender and it's like soft, mellifluous voices echoing in a cozy room filled with blankets, pillows. Our love is precious and it's something I've never experienced before. I'm thankful for Jose, Chaco, and Iago. They remind me to be soft, to be sanded down, to be smooth.

[teatoohottohandle]

[teatoohottohandle]

November love letter

In an act to center joy and joyous moments in my life, I want to dedicate a love letter to myself. Not a to-do list, not a checklist, not means of "productivity" to showcase how I'm successful or to try to discern meaning into my life by believing crossing something off my list is enough (though it is satisfactory).

This month, I want to be present. This past weekend I had the most positive and lovely experience being with my partner. I felt surrounded by love in their presence. We had no official plans, we just met up at my place, ate, talked, laughed, and took everything one thing at a time. We got to workout together on Sunday. They're my first romantic partner where I feel comfortable enough to expose myself like that. Where I feel comfortable enough to act silly and get a tough workout done -- no matter how ridiculous I may look.

In that same vein, I've only been going to the gym if someone else is going. I'd like to go by myself, for myself this month. I'd like to experience the confidence I feel when I'm working out with my partner. But I'm also questioning it -- do I feel comfortable working out because my partner is there or am I deflecting discomfort in the inconsistent belief that I'm not capable of doing things by myself and that I need someone to validate me? I think in challenging myself to go to the gym once alone will motivate me this month and see for myself which one it is.

---

I fell asleep writing this love letter at the beginning of the month and now I am revisiting it at the end of the month.

I just want to say that I did go to the gym by myself this month. Just for me. I got a leg workout done on the leg machines and it felt great. One, just to know that I went for myself. And two, I didn't have to wait on anybody.

As I reflect on this month, there were some unforeseeable things and things that were planned, I just didn't plan for them intentionally. For one, I'm dog sitting for my sister right now. Her dog had gotten sick on my rug and then my robot vacuum went off on its scheduled time and ran over it. I caught Chaco on my camera barking at something. It was the fact that my sister's dog was doing his business and Chaco was probably upset and barking at him to get him to stop.

Secondly, my partner and I aired everything out -- everything we felt like wasn't right or going as well as it could in our relationship. Although we've been experiencing some really great and wholesome moments of rest, relaxation, and comfort, we had admittedly gotten too comfortable in some aspects of our lives like the ways in which we communicate. I had gotten too comfortable with the ways in which my family dislikes my partner. I had gotten too comfortable with the ways in which my family talks about my partner.

While it was a tough conversation, it was a much-needed one. I think we're stronger for it.

Thirdly, I had been expecting this for a minute, but I just found out that I won't be teaching next semester. It's disappointing. I really enjoyed teaching.

Lastly, even though this wasn't planned -- I finally hung up some frames. Granted it's not complete, I still have more to add, but I like how my office looks and I love the view from my desk now more than ever :)

I have really enjoyed writing this love letter instead of a to-do list. I resisted the urge to write a to do list on purpose because I wanted to effuse love in everything I do this month. To encourage intentionality and impact. I deserve more love and so do my loved ones <3

[teatoohottohandle]

Fuck capitalism & micromanagers

hands in soapy water

wrapped around a rag

to clean and mop my home.

I am thinking about how I am grateful.

For warm and cool shelter,

for protection,

for a loving family -- chosen and born into,

for my two dogs,

for a loving partner.

I am satiated. I am full. I am tired.

I am sending healing thoughts to those who don't feel full.

To those who feel like their lives are not complete but they have work, a 9 to 5, a Monday through Friday, an "and other duties as necessary," 40 hours spent being ineffective and difficult because

They are not satiated, they are not full, they are still tired.

[teatoohottohandle]

high schoolers/gen-z

I have been teaching high schoolers in a dual enrollment class for the past 4 months now. Dual enrollment meaning they are able to earn both high school and college credit.

I started out with 11 students and it's since whittled down to 5 -- these 5 are seniors and going various routes and pathways, but they are 5 close friends. It's endearing to have 5 close friends in class. It's something that you won't find too often in college at least. I appreciate them and I like having them, I think they're hilarious in their own little Gen-Z ways.

One time, I had walked into class, late, and I saw that one of the students was crying. There were 2 other students I had never seen before who were comforting this student. She had looked up at me and resumed crying. I was about to start class but noticed she had her face buried in her hands still, her elbows on the desk. So I paused and I asked, "Are you okay? Do you need to see a counselor?"

I kid you not she was faking it. She then launched into a verbal attack against a fellow classmate and claimed, "He fucked my boyfriend for the 4th time!" To which some of the class exploded in unstoppable laughter and I, being an adult who wasn't sure to take this seriously or not, repeated again, "Do you want to see a counselor?" They then proceeded to "pretend fight." It was one of the worst classes I had with them. They later apologized for having a "Fake Jerry Springer episode" but I wasn't pleased with that at all.

I've noticed over the past 4 months that they enjoy opportunities to touch each other.

The student who was fake crying for their fake Jerry Springer episode has attempted to squat several of her classmates.

Today, another student wrestled another student to the ground.

There was another pseudo, less dramatic Jerry Springer-esque fight that took place but because I had given those students 0 (zeroes) for participation and attendance that last time, they had quickly stemmed it before it became an episode.

And maybe touch is a way to communicate. Touch through an act of playfulness, touch as an act of recognizing each other, seeing each other, attempting to connect with one another.

I wanted to write about this and reflect on it because I saw someone I went to middle school with post on their IG Story, "Remember how in middle school you used to hug everybody you knew."

In high school we stopped and then in college I resumed my freshman year and then I became cognizant of touch and became uncomfortable with touching, with hugging, with any display of affection.

I long to hold my friends' hands, to give loved ones kisses on their cheeks as greetings. I just don't know where to start.

[teatoohottohandle]

A mother

*Listen to pRETTy by Lil Yachty*

I know that my relationship with my mother isn't the strongest. We have clashed a lot over time as I grew older, went through puberty. All of the fun stuff right?

But for some reason, as I cried silently and then sobbed into my partner's shoulders after crawling into bed, I could not help but think to myself, "When did my relationship with my family become so fucked up?"

These past 2 years, I stopped talking to a sister I was born with -- not that we're twins, she's about 8 years older than I am. Through therapy, I found myself realizing that I was the scapegoat to her narcissism. And I hated that for myself so I stopped talking with her and stopped associating with her. I have even started telling people that I have 2 sisters instead of 3.

Everyone is on a different growing path.

As that relationship ended, my entire dynamic with my family changed.

My mother became more judgmental.

My brother and I grew distant.

My third sister -- now I guess second -- and I grew closer.

My oldest sister and I have been closer than other siblings -- we have our ups and downs, which is natural. But she and Lisa were never on good terms so I feel like sometimes our hatred/disdain for Lisa feeds onto one another and it becomes a toxic hate fest.

With my mother, I feel constantly judged for being distant with the family. But my partner said something last night that resonated with me, "Everyone is on a different growing path." And it soothed me.

Two days ago, my mother called to yell at me, scold me, and judge me for making decisions without her input. While I value my mother's opinion and input, if I disagree with her, she will immediately tell me that it's my fault if things don't go my way. It's not the best feeling or the best thing to hear when I am struggling.

I want a supportive mother. I want a supportive family. I want a family that will recognize that I am on my own growing and healing journey and to respect that.

[teatoohottohandle]

Manifestations on this Aries sun and new moon

I want to be honest in a thoughtful way.

I want to be tender and to work on being compassionate even when I don't feel l can be.

I want a new job with better coworkers, better pay, better benefits.

[teatoohottohandle]

My partner and I have been spending a lot of time together. And it's through them -- and specifically their journal that they let me read -- that has brought to the forefront how I want to practice expressing my gratitude more often.

Some may know that I have been struggling at work for the past year. I have struggled with being the only social media lead / person in a "digital-first advocacy organization." And I have also struggled with the idea of radicalization, of activism, of advocacy, and my own ideas + identities within these concepts. I have struggled to maintain healthy energy levels and eating habits because of work. I have struggled with relationships -- maintaining, nurturing, holding all relationships because of work. In writing this and reflecting on it, I feel like I am suffering.

When my partner concludes their journal entries, they always write about how they appreciate the people in the life. They once wrote that they appreciated their mother and father for being such loving parents -- and for having a loving family. Another time they wrote about how they were appreciative that I expressed how grateful I was to him and his family for letting me stay with them over the holidays. It is not only endearing, it is heartwarming.

To see these appreciations written down with so much heart and love made me realize how often I don't express my own gratitudes, thanks, and appreciation for others on a consistent basis. I often think about loved ones and how/why I love them or why I appreciate them, but I hardly ever write it down. Writing it down feels like a commitment, an honored telling of what this person means to me and how I feel about them.

I can't necessarily blame the lack of my written word on work, but I will say that when I get my phone to text a loved one and let them know I'm thinking about them, I do get distracted by work emails and Slack messages. By the time the thought comes around of texting my loved ones, my phone is not on me or dead.

In reflecting on my relationships, I want my conversations to be full of joy, knowledge, care, empathy, respect. Not just me bitching about work and how I feel like I'll get better when I find a new job. Work will always be problematic -- my friendships and conversations and the things I think about shouldn't be full of complaints though.

Funnily enough, we had a training with Charlene Carruthers at work the other day on abolition and in her presentation and reflection questions, asked us:

What would it look like to rehearse this?

I was hung up on it for a while -- rehearse? What does she mean by rehearse? Does she mean practice? How am I going to practice envisioning an abolitionist future? But instead of saying practice, Carruthers intentionally chose rehearse.

So that is what I'm thinking about now. How can I rehearse expressing my gratitude, even when I feel drained and exhausted by the lack of meaningful and actually radical relationships at work? When I feel like the idea of radicalization actually appeals more to people (especially those in nonprofit advocacy spaces AND community-led/organized by community "activist" groups) than the actual work of rehearsing?

Sometimes I often feel like people want the final show -- the final product. But in thinking about rehearsal, it's not necessarily to get everything right come performance. It's about practicing, going through the motions to understand what comes next and to feel comfortable with what does or doesn't come next.

Tonight, I'm grateful for my partner, who is not here with me at this moment, but encouraged me to put some written thoughts somewhere and allow the words to guide me towards a rehearsal.

[teatoohottohandle]

new moon

letting go of old interpretations and visions; reimagining what is possible.

finding a new path, one that is more aligned with my authentic desires.

don't necessarily have to go anywhere for the revelations to unfold. all that is required is to set intentions to find my own truth and be open to all possibilities, however unconventional they may seem.

intention of this moon phase is to open my mind to different avenues to help me from limiting myself.

my visions are being supported by the universe.

the passage of time can assist me on my journey.

dissolve my worries and concerns around figuring out all the details of how to make my dreams come true, focus on how I can stretch my imagination and faith to new heights.

remember the dreams and wishes of my inner child.

becoming more conscious of my instinctive nature helps you naturally gravitate toward what brings you joy, contentment, and fulfillment.

Can I make more time to play and get in touch with my desires?

Does my life have a sense of meaning and purpose? What advice would you future self offer at this point in my journey?

Is there something you'd like to explore that you've been putting off?

Do any parts of you fear letting go of control and certainty?

What is something that I want to do and have never done before?

[teatoohottohandle]

“Your journey will be much lighter and easier if you don’t carry your past with you.”

— Unknown