talibunny30 - Tumblr blog

talibunny30 · 5 days ago

Text

Sometimes you need to drift apart from someone to truly understand how much you belong together.

Almost exactly a year after their painful breakup, Azriel and Eris unexpectedly meet again and find themselves trapped together in a snowstorm. With no choice but to spend time together in a small space, the long hours lead to conversations of their past, memories of their adventures togethers, unresolved feelings and heartbreak…

This is my @acotargiftexchange gift for the lovely and absolutely wonderful @daycourtofficial It was a delight being your secret santa💛 I hope you have a very peaceful and calm Christmas filled with so much joy! Sending you love!🎄

Story Playlist

Let Her Go - Passenger

Wish You the Best - Lewis Capaldi

Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi

Last Christmas - Wham!

O Holy Night - Mariah Carey

Flowers - Miley Cyrus

Let Me Down Slowly - Alec Benjamin

It Gets Better - Martin Luke Brown

read the whole story below the cut // or on ao3

Dimmed by the snowstorm that has been raging on for days, New York is blanketed in an endless, thick sheet of white. It crunches beneath his polished boots as Eris hurries down the streets, the cool air burning down his throat and landing harshly in his lungs as he tries to catch a cab within all the holiday chaos — many people are leaving, others are returning. The city has turned into an even more intense bustling hub of people and traffic, full of flashing lights and noises.

Eris blows out a long breath, watching the gleam of the street lanterns flicker behind the snow swirling in the air. Traffic is crawling through the mud-coloured slush on the streets and he hopes to finally catch sight of a cab. Otherwise he will be late (he is already late, but not yet too late). He fears he will miss his plane and only over his dead body will he stay alone in New York for Christmas. He has been alone enough in the last year, but certainly not on Christmas. Not on a holiday that is all about family and being together with your loved ones.

Family. His suitcase is filled to the brim with presents for his family. His mother, his youngest brother, his sister-in-law and his beloved niece, Dalia. If his other brothers will show up, is still in the stars – they never announce their visit beforehand.

The harsh, cold wind and snow bite through the layers of his clothes, slowly creeping under his skin. He shivers and clenches his jaw. He‘ll be damned if he catches a cold now…

As he waits, lifting his hand every now and then to signal a cab to stop which still hasn’t happened, Eris watches snow collect on the bare branches of trees and pile on window sills nearby. His breath hangs in the air, each exhale a small cloud in the freezing cold that surrounds him. He can’t wait to leave the city and get back home. To be inside the warm and cosy living room of his mother’s and his step-dad’s house, the smell of the delicious dishes his sister-in-law has cooked wafting through the air.

He likes going home. He likes being home. For a few days, a few weeks. He always quickly realises he misses New York. New York is his new home. The place he loves to live at. However, there’s a loneliness here he can’t shake—there is too much anonymity, too much loneliness in this big city. And Eris hates it. He craves connection, friendships, a sense of belonging. He wants someone—

A sharp honk jolts him from his thoughts, startles him so much his eyes widen in shock and the breath gets caught in his throat.

"Been waiting for me, buddy?"

At last—a taxi! Eris thinks and exhales a relieved breath. He nods in answer, a hint too excitedly. And as he slides into the back seat, pulling his suitcase and bag in with him, he says, "To the airport, please."

The cab driver glances at him in the rearview mirror, cheerful and unfazed. "Alrighty," he replies brightly, his voice nearly drowned out by Last Christmas blaring from the radio. Pushing his foot down on the gas pedal, he sets off immediately. The cab ploughs through the thickening slush, its tires skidding slightly as it moves down streets illuminated by streetlights and colourful Christmas garlands decorating shops and buildings.

Eris rests his head against the window, watching as snowflakes swirl under the streetlights. Despite the Christmas spirit and him looking forward to seeing his family, his chest all of a sudden feels heavy with longing and sadness (not so suddenly actually, he has been feeling like this almost all throughout December). Only a year ago, he had spent Christmas with the most amazing person in the world and then—

"My name’s Suri. I came here, three—no let me think, five years ago. Love that city, great place for people, isn’t it?"

Absently, Eris answers with a quiet, "Mhm", his gaze still locked on the outside world and the snow.

Unaffected by his indifference, Suri continues. "Yo, stranger, where I picked you up, that’s close to my fave Italian restaurant. Have you tried the Pepperoni pizza there? Changed my life, let me tell you that. And don’t even get me started on the Burgers from … man, I don’t remember the shop. The one with the blue sign, it glows at night, right next to the shop selling all those designer bags …"

Eris, even if he deems it rude, zones out. Finally, he can get some rest. Finally, after months full of stress and emotional exhaustion. A few days with his family, with his niece and his beloved dogs. Deep within his heart he knows he deserves it. He deserves this time after everything he has been through. After him.

"Ever been to Times Square on New Year’s Eve? Did you like it? I think it’s magical, but way too crowded to really enjoy it."

Perfect for the first kiss with a man you think you will spend your whole life with only for him to tear your heart out and rip it into shreds a few years later, Eris thinks but doesn’t say out loud. He only sighs loudly and closes his eyes.

They have moved from Last Christmas to O Holy Night and Mariah Carey‘s voice fills the inside of the cab, singing happily and cheerily.

"But you know, despite all the noise, the people and the large crowds, there’s something about this city" … Suri pauses. A dramatic pause that turns into him singing parts of the lyrics along with Mariah before continuing. "No matter where you are from, no matter who you are, you will always find someone who understands you. Who sees you for who you are. Who likes you. Who sees the good in you and who loves you for who you are."

Eris‘ breathing deepens as the back of his throat starts to ache. He hates that. Hates that Suri‘s words shake him to the core. Hates that suddenly silver lines his eyes.

"One day you randomly meet a stranger, and five minutes later, you are sharing life stories or you will end up snogging in the restroom of a bar and then end up in their bed. And two years later you are happily married and you are expecting your first child. But whatever, what‘s your name stranger?"

It takes him a moment to answer, sharply ripped from his thoughts, from all the memories of their time together flooding his mind like tidal waves. A lump has formed in his throat that makes it almost impossible for him to answer, to breathe.

Eris coughs. Once. Twice, not wanting to be rude and not answer. "Eris," he eventually replies, his voice tense as he clutches his bag to his chest. "My name is Eris."

“Funny name,” Suri replies with a chuckle. “Isn’t that a Greek goddess?”

“The goddess of strife and discord.” Eris presses his lips in a thin line, turning his head to the side again. Piles of snow line the edges of the sidewalks. Eris' gaze follows them as the traffic is moving slow, his thoughts unfocused now that old wounds have been ripped open. He can’t be necessarily mad at Suri for bringing up all the things, but he somehow is.

He tried so hard to get rid of all the thoughts, the memories and now … now it’s all he can think about. As they pass Central Park, the usual vibrance seems muted by the snow, colder and darker and a shudder courses through Eris – either from his longing or the cold he is still feeling. He knows that Central Park’s appearance mirrors the feelings deep within him. Cold. Dark. Sad.

Suri continues to ramble, to sing cheerily, unaffected by Eris’ indifference.

Eris is no longer listening to him, or rather no longer listening again, the only sound in his ears the sad beat of his heart. And his voice, his laugh in his mind and it hurts just like a year ago. Hurts just like every damn day of the previous year.

Finally, the airport’s glow appears through the haze, bright lights cutting through the heavy snowfall and Eris straightens. The taxi pulls up close by one of the entrances, tires crunching over snow and then stops. His eyes close for a moment, and when Suri tells him the price for the ride, Eris lets out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. Finally. Finally he is going home and can forget about all the sadness for at least a few days.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

The relief about having arrived at the airport vanishes within seconds. It feels like a harsh slap to Eris’ face, one that almost knocks him off his feet, sending him flying through the air, and ends in a brutal landing on his butt.

“Fuck,” Eris curses under his breath and his stomach drops at the sight of him. His ex-boyfriend—his ex-fiancé.

The dark-haired man looks equally surprised to see Eris, equally uncomfortable, a forced smile stretching across his lips that Eris doesn’t reciprocate when their eyes meet. He only walks towards Azriel - well, rather towards his gate. Or their gate apparently. It only makes sense that Azriel is here but at the same time doesn’t. They grew up in villages that weren’t far apart, but what are the chances that Azriel would also wait until the last minute to fly back home for Christmas?

Eris‘ heart pounds in disbelief, heat rising in his face when the smile, this stupidly handsome smile, doesn’t fade from his ex-lovers face. The audacity!

The boldness makes Eris’ nostrils flare and anger blaze through his veins, the audacity of Azriel to smile and act like everything is alright when he had been the sole to destroy his heart.

"We aren’t meant for one another," he had told him back then and it butchered every part of Eris‘ heart that hadn’t been broken before. He was left in pieces when the man he loved most left him and now said man dares to smile at him.

The only thing that brings Eris comfort is that Azriel isn’t as chill about their surprised meeting as he pretends to be. He is nervously clenching and unclenching his hands—his scarred hands, caused by a kitchen fire in his childhood.

Eris remembers how often he rubbed salve on those hands in winter, how he kissed them, how he held them close and warmed them. Not that it ended up meaning anything to Azriel.

Eris‘ eyes dart away, hoping that when he looks back, his ex is gone. But luck has never been on his side. Obviously Azriel, and his awful smile are still there.

It‘s only a few more steps and Eris can feel how his chest tightens more and more, how awkward he suddenly thinks he must look walking towards him. He gets a sudden urge to flee, run, but he is rooted to the ground (and 32 and running would be very, very childish in his mind).

A forced calmness, almost like cool boredom, falls in place on his face and masks his swirling emotions, masks the hurt that is rooted so deeply within his heart.

"Hello Eris." Azriel is the one to speak up first and despite feeling an enormous amount of anger, his smokey voice still causes the same reaction in Eris—chills all over his body. "It’s—"

But Eris holds up a hand to stop him. "Don‘t say it’s good to see me, I really don’t need another lie on top of all the lies you have told me in the past." He shows him a sardonic grin and steps past him, hating that he let his mask drop and his bitterness could reach the surface.

Before Eris can settle into the awkwardness of their first conversation after a year of not talking to one another and his frustration over this conversation even happening, a loud noise sounds through the speakers of the airport. The screeching makes him cringe but doesn’t shock him even half as much as the announcement that is made a second later.

"Dear Passengers, due to the worsening of the snowstorm and the current weather situation we are sorry to inform you that all flights have been cancelled. No planes will leave John F. Kennedy airport this evening and throughout the night. Thank you for understanding. Hotels and hostels closeby will be offering…"

Within seconds, the airport erupts in chaos, frustrated groans and sighs rippling through the shocked and furious crowd and making it impossible for Eris to hear the rest of what is said but he can assume that hotels are offering rooms to those stranded at the airport without a place to go for the night.

Well, at least I can go home and not have to find a hotel, Eris thinks to himself even if a peach-sized weight settles into heart that makes him feel nothing but sadness and disappointment about not seeing his family anytime soon. On Christmas. It means he will be alone on Christmas, and as much as he tries to ignore the fact, the back of his mouth starts to ache as tears start to burn behind his eyes.

Reluctantly, he turns back and finds Azriel still standing where he last saw him. The man’s face has fallen in disbelief and for a split second Eris feels bad for him, knowing Azriel will probably be all alone as well. The moment of compassion, however, passes too quickly to really leave an impact on Eris. He shakes it off, thinking that if Azriel hadn’t ruined everything, he wouldn’t be alone now. If Azriel hadn’t ruined everything they would have spent Christmas together…

Eris feels how his head starts to spin and buzz from all the noises around him. Phones are ringing as passengers search for ideas on how to escape the airport and queues, long queues, form instantly at the desks of the airport. The tension in the air thickens with frustration and involuntary him and Azriel exchange an uncertain glance before his ex turns away and heads for the exit.

Finally he is gone, Eris thinks, hoping to not see Azriel again so soon. Or ever. He hopes he never has to see him again. Never has to have an encounter with him again.

Mutters of annoyance and disbelief fill the air around Eris, and it almost gets to the point of being overwhelming. He wants to get out of here immediately, but not before trying to book another flight in the morning. Eris approaches the counter, or rather the queue in front of it, his heart beating unsteadily.

The lady at the counter shakes her head, “I have no information, I have already told you so. Come back in the morning, we will know more by then.” Without another word, she turns the sign on the desk so that it says "closed" instead of "open", turns off her computer and locks up the counter.

Frustration and sadness flicker in Eris’ eyes and he rubs his hand over his chin before summoning the strength to turn around and walk away. He somehow doesn’t fully want to believe it. He will truly be alone on Christmas and only God knows when there will be a next chance to see his family. This hurts. Christmas all alone. Without his family. He wasted a holiday at work only so he could see his family and only to end up completely alone in the end. What a shame!

Seeing Eris again after all this time has unsettled Azriel more than he likes to admit. Covering his face with his forearm, Azriel heads out into the snowstorm and realises that it has indeed worsened.

"God," Azriel breathes and his heart drops even lower than it did when seeing Eris before. New York has turned into a snow chaos, you can barely make out any buildings, or trees or people, or anything.

In addition, speaking to the cab drivers lined up in front of the airport is equally disappointing as getting the flight being cancelled and having to run into Eris out of everyone he could have run into. So, reluctantly Azriel returns inside a heavy weight of sorrow resting upon his chest about not seeing his family—his found family and his mother— for Christmas and having to spend it all alone once more.

Last year he wasn’t alone, last year he was with—Speak of the devil!

Just as he steps inside, his body collides with the one person he really didn’t want to bump into again.

Eris’ expression is equally grim as his own and as he tries to hurry past him, however Azriel’s arm flies forward before he can think about what he is doing and he holds Eris back.

“No cabs,” Azriel says, frustration ringing loud in his voice. “It’s too dangerous, streets are shutting down and the cab drivers won‘t take a risk. Only option is to call someone for a ride." He lets go of Eris‘ arm when he feels the man’s body tense beneath his palm.

Eris’ face falls instantly. “I have no one to pick me up," he breathes and the look on his face almost makes Azriel want to wrap him into his arms and tell him that he will be fine. “I was going to my family, no one is here, no one can pick me up.”

Azriel nods and a deep sigh parts his lips, “Same.”

Silence falls upon them like a heavy sheet that almost crushes them beneath it, and yet an unspoken bond of shared helplessness forms between them.

"So I guess we need to find a hotel then. Come on."

We. We! Azriel has long ago stopped hoping he would ever hear Eris referring to them as we. He stopped when he ended things between them. When he became the reason for Eris to stop referring to them as we. Azriel never wanted to, but it was for the best. For Eris. But now the We is back and a kernel of hope, of happiness, flickers back to life deep within Azriel’s chest.

>>>>>>

"We are sorry but there is only one room available." The lady with the tight bun on top of her head presses her lips in a thin line, clearly frustrated. "I have told you before and all the money in the world that you are willing to give me won’t make another room appear, Mr Vanserra. There is only one room left, you're not the only one stranded at the airport tonight." Her tone is so sharp, it could almost cut through the wood of her desk.

It’s now the third hotel close to the airport. The first two had no room left, this one only one.

Eris begins to nod, reluctantly, and gives in. It is what it is, he thinks. They will have to stay here, because walking back to their apartments in the snowstorm is definitely not an option. For neither of them. He doesn’t know where Azriel now lives, but he guesses it isn’t close-by either.

"All right, we‘ll take it." He snatches the keycard from the desk and tilts his head towards the staircase, signalling Azriel that they are moving now. Azriel looks equally annoyed over the fact of having to spend at least the rest of the evening and the night with no other than his ex-boyfriend in a hotel room.

A very small hotel room.

The room is even smaller than expected, but at least somehow cosy, Eris thinks. With a double bed and a small desk and drawer and a lamp on top that casts a warm glow upon the dark brown carpet and wallpaper, it looks almost comfortable. But who cares about cosy and comfortable when you are trapped with your ex?

Eris realises that Azriel is worse at hiding his obvious irritation about the size of the room than he himself when he catches him cringes.

He takes it as a chance to shoot something at him, and make his frustration air. The door falls shut behind them and Eris turns to Azriel, scowling. “Don’t make a face like this. It’s not like we haven’t shared a room before,” Eris grumbles and Azriel flashes him an incredulous look.

"You wouldn’t even properly say hello to me at the airport and now—"

"Now we are trapped in a snowstorm, so we better accept our fate and move on."

"Right," Azriel groans, pressing his lips in a thin line. "Then I get the bed."

"Obviously, not. I get the bed. Remember, my sensitive back."

"You‘re just old," Azriel bites back.

Eris glares at him, bracing his knee on the mattress. "I have a sensitive back!"

Azriel mirrors his movement. "And you‘re old."

"I‘m only two years older than you."

"You‘re closer to forty than I am."

"You‘re impossible, Azriel." Eris shakes his head.

"You‘re egoistic. That’s probably why we broke up in the first place."

An emotion, almost like regret, flashes in Azriel’s eyes for having said these words.

Yet, he gets no chance to apologise. Eris won’t give him one. He turns away sharply and plops down onto the carpeted floor. He says nothing as he leans his head against the wall, and closes his eyes.

His heart hurts too much to speak.

>>>>>>>>

Azriel knows that it was wrong to say what he said. Eris had not once been egoistic. And so it clearly wasn’t the reason for their break up. The reason for their breakup was … far more complex.

Azriel loved Eris, but knew he had never been good enough for someone like Eris. Eris is perfect and Azriel is … far from perfect.

He has never stopped thinking that.

Eris comes from a rich English family that moved to America when Eris was only a few years old. Their family business thrived even more here—boomed, to be specific. Eris, other than most of his brothers, didn’t enter into the company but became a doctor instead. Which is still a completely different world than the one Azriel lives in—growing up only with his mother who had worked three jobs at a time so she could make a living. Azriel loves his mother, and he liked his childhood—to clarify, the parts that he didn’t have to spend with his awful father.

A sigh parts Azriel’s lips, cutting through the heavy silence that has fallen over them. He cast a sidelong glance at Eris, watching the deep frown on his beautiful face as he concentrates on something on his phone.

Azriel has absentmindedly been watching the news on the TV, the volume turned silent, only looking at the pictures, too distracted by the tension in the air to truly focus. Unsaid words linger in the space between them, words of apology and forgiveness, but neither of them is ready to speak up yet.

So Azriel retreats to his own thoughts, turning off the TV and leaning his head back, resting it against the bed frame. Memories of their past—of their shared past— slowly start to slither into his mind like greedy snakes, feasting on his pain.

The first time they met was at a party of his best friend Rhys and his girlfriend Feyre. Their first meeting was all stolen glances across the room, soft chatter and a too-drunk kiss in the kitchen, sloppy and needy, both of them using too much tongue and tasting of liquor and smoke. It made them both laugh.

He remembers when they first held hands in public, the looks people gave them and how Eris had assured Azriel that they were fine. Eris had dated men before him, Azriel hadn’t. Eris was his first. His first everything when it came to being with a man. He was worried, almost scared, at the beginning, but everything eased quickly and he fell madly in love with Eris Vanserra.

He has never stopped being in love with him.

The thing he loved most about their time together were their late-night conversations where they shared dreams and memories. Another thing he loved was going to concerts with Eris. They went to see Hozier and Ed Sheeran, and went to Coachella together.

Azriel’s eyes flicker open and he glances at Eris again, but the man is still focused on his phone. His posture is tense and stiff, his jaw clenched.

Azriel desperately wants the frown to vanish from Eris’ face and see his ex smile again. He loved when Eris smiled, loved it even more when he laughed—it was the most beautiful sound in the entire world. He loved hearing it. He wants to hear it again.

They had so many inside jokes they could probably laugh an entire day about them. And their playful teasing was one of Azriel’s favourite things in the world. He always acted annoyed but deep inside him, he loved them.

His eyes close again. Involuntarily, a sad smile appears on his lips at the memories, at the quiet mornings they spent in bed, limbs entangled. At the shared meals they often cooked together, or simply held each other close, talking softly until late into the night. The I love yous they shared. So many of them. And each one was sincere and honest.

As his thoughts start to stray, Azriel cheeks start to warm.

He also loved sex with Eris. The man always made him feel like he was a king, like he deserved the world, like it was all about his pleasure, about making him feel good. And he did, every time they were intimate, even if it was just a quick, shared moment of desire in the bathroom before both needed to go to work.

Work. It hits Azriel like a slap and makes his blood run cold. Work was a major reason for their breakup. Or at least, in Azriel’s opinion, it was.

It started with small arguments, mostly fueled by Azriel’s frustration about finding a job, then losing it because the company had to reduce its number of employees. Obviously, Azriel thought that he wasn’t good enough and so they chose him and kicked him out. Then months of hopeless searching for a new job came, only to lose the next one as well. The stress had got the best of him and he found himself unloading it all on Eris, reminding himself over and over again that he wasn’t good enough for the Vanserra and Eris deserved much better.

He didn’t even have enough money to take Eris out on a proper date or buy him large, fancy gifts. Obviously Eris would never say that it bothered him. The doctor never said that it bothered him that Azriel lived in his flat without having to pay a penny, and always assured him that he would soon find a job. Azriel wanted to believe that, but failed.

Working in IT can be incredible, but only when you had a secure job—and finding that security was the biggest challenge he ever faced. Only recently, around four months ago, he finally managed to land something secure. Hopefully.

Azriel swallows thickly and the back of his mouth starts to ache. He clenches his jaw.

The silence in the room feels almost oppressive at this point, pressing down on him and making it hard for him to breathe. He opens his eyes again.

Apparently, Azriel isn’t the only one to think so, the only one who can no longer stand the silence between them.

Eris is shifting uncomfortably, then he turns to Azriel. He clears his throat and his eyes briefly brush Azriel’s. "Your mother, Eleni, … have you informed her that you are trapped here?"

After all this time, Azriel thinks, Eris still worries about my mother. He still worries. He still cares.

"I sent her a message." Azriel’s voice is hoarse, raspy from not talking for a while.

A curt nod is Eris‘ answer, lips pressed in a firm line.

"Did you inform your family?"

"I told Lucien, he will tell mum. I believe my father couldn’t care less about me coming home or not. I think he couldn’t care less about me not being there. I’m not even sure I will go see him this year…"

In the past, Eris always found it difficult to talk about his family situation and Azriel knows that he was one of the few people that Eris opened up to. He told him about his mother and her new partner, about Beron staying in the family home and that Imala had to move out when they got their divorce.

And there it is, Eris opening up again, not shutting him out. Azriel will take this as a chance and a kernel of relief blooms within him. He shifts on the bed, moving closer to his ex-boyfriend still sitting on the carpeted floor.

"The situation hasn’t changed?" Azriel carefully asked. It is a stupid question, he knows this. As long as Eris loves men, his father will despise him. Nothing will ever change about that—it is the same with his own father.

"He won’t change. He will never change, Azriel."

Finally, Eris really meets his gaze, his eyes are nothing but sad. Azriel fights the urge to reach out, to brush his cheek, his hair, his shoulder and kiss the sadness away. He can’t stand it, seeing Eris like this. He never could.

"But whatever. It‘s just my father and I only have to see him two to three times a year." Eris wears a sardonic smile as he shakes his head. "How‘s life been treating you lately?"

I miss you every day, Eris, Azriel thinks, but doesn’t say out loud. Obviously he doesn’t say so. He was the one to end things back then.

So, he only shrugs his shoulders. "I can’t complain. I landed a job in this start-up company and it’s looking really good. Finally something that seems secure."

"I’m glad to hear this." The honesty in Eris‘ smile, mirrors the one in his eyes. He means it.

"Meaning I can finally give you back all the money and—"

"The fuck you will, Azriel!" The smile on Eris’ lips immediately turns into a scowl—his eyes ablaze with anger. "It wasn’t like I was your sugar daddy. I paid for the flat because it was my flat and—"

"I lived there as well."

"It was still my flat. I got to keep it after our breakup while you had to find a new place to live. Hell, where do you even live now?"

"Staten Island," Azriel answers flatley.

Eris acknowledges the information with a curt nod.

"You took me on dates—"

"Because I wanted to. I wanted to take you out and go to places with you. I also benefited from these dates and trips, it wasn’t just for you. I enjoyed myself too."

"You paid for my Coachella ticket."

"It was your birthday present." Eris shakes his head again. "I have never cared about spending money, and especially not about spending money on things we could do together. That we would enjoy together. As a couple. I loved spending time with you and I couldn’t care less if we needed money for it or not. It was never about the price, only about being with you."

The words shake Azriel to the core, landing like a harsh slap on his cheek.

He is frozen in place for a moment, unable to say something. Then after a second and a deep breath, he opens his mouth. "I liked spending time with you as well." Azriel throws his statement into the room like it physically pains him to say so.

"Clearly,” Eris says, his tone sarcastic, “so much that you broke up with me."

"These are two completely different pairs of shoes, Eris," Azriel groans. "And don’t make it sound like breaking up with you was so easy for me."

"Well it seemed rather easy for you." Eris crosses his arms over his chest, glowering as he looks up at Azriel.

Azriel presses his lips in a thin line. His eyes close, then open, and he flexes his fingers. "Can you please sit up here with me. I can’t talk to you like that. Not when you are still sitting on the floor."

A frown graces Eris‘ face, but eventually he rises —reluctantly and slowly— and joins Azriel on the bed, sinking into the soft cushions, but keeping a fine distance between him and Azriel.

He seems to hesitate, but eventually says, “I never got closure. I have never stopped thinking about what I have done wrong, how I could have fixed all the things broken. Why I didn't see the signs before it was too late." Eris’ voice is low and vulnerable.

Azriel looks away, guilt flickering in his eyes. “Ending our relationship wasn’t as easy as I made it seem.”

"Right." A sardonic chuckle from Eris‘ lips.

"I mean it." Azriel’s frustration rises as the pain from the past resurfaces. Memories of many nights crying alone in bed, or in Cass‘ or Rhys‘ arms, or drunk at a bar at three am, resurface.

"And still you just left… and my heart was torn apart and broken into a million pieces," Eris spits, the hurt loud and clear in his voice as he turns his head away sharply, almost as if dismissing Azriel as his gaze fixates on the storm still raging outside the window.

Emotionally charged silence hangs between them in the moments that follow. Azriel’s stomach twists with regret, his throat tightening when he says, "I’m so sorry." He knows it is a stupid thing to say, too little, too late, but he really is sorry. Their relationship should have never ended like this. It should have never ended.

>>>>>>>>

They exchange a look after Azriel‘s unasked apology. Their gazes linger and it twists his gut. The hurt is palpable, and eventually Eris says, "I have never moved on." His voice is barely above a whisper. "I couldn’t. I couldn’t imagine myself without you."

Azriel releases a deep breath as the words settle between them. "I‘ve felt the same way."

After their mutual revelations, they lose the eye contact again as if looking at each other would make them do something irrational. Something stupid. And yet, unconsciously, Eris‘ pinky finger brushes Azriel’s. The other tenses, body going stiff and Eris notices how Azriel suddenly holds his breath. But then, to his surprise, he moves his hand as well, and slides it into Eris‘.

Eris freezes, almost shocked, his heart lurching in his chest. He can feel the sparks between their hands. The chemistry has not faded, electricity still erupts between their palms whenever they touch. Even a year after their break up.

Eris steals a quick glance at Azriel, noticing how his cheeks have turned rosy and how a small smile plays on his lips. He promptly averts his gaze again, looking at the frost-covered windows and the still heavy snowfall outside. A deep breath parts his lips, and he realises that his chest no longer feels so heavy, so tight.

“It’s scary, but also beautiful, isn’t it?” he murmurs.

"The snowstorm?" Azriel asks in a soft whisper.

"Love." This time when he turns his head, Azriel is already looking at him, eyes heavy-lidded as they momentarily brush Eris‘ lips and then immediately snap up to his eyes again.

For Eris it somehow feels like the moment he saw Azriel for the first time. How he fell in love with Azriel at first sight. The moment at the party when their eyes met for the first time. Azriel is more beautiful than any other man he has ever seen before. He isn’t only beautiful on the outside, but also deep within his heart – the part Eris fell in love with.

The Vanserra shifts uncomfortably on the bed, the space between them too big but at the same time too narrow. He tears his gaze away from Azriel, not wanting to do something irrational like all of a sudden kiss him. He really wants to, but knows how stupid it would be. It would make everything ever more complicated and if there is something he really doesn’t need in his life on top of everything else than it is complication. Especially when it comes to his ex-boyfriend.

He turns his attention back to the snowstorm, to the frost outside while his own heart - fully of its own accord - starts to warm within him. His voice is a quiet mutter, almost swallowed by the silence around them when he says, "I never understood your intentions, Azriel. One moment you were here and everything seemed fine, and the next you grew distant and threw everything away."

Azriel’s face falls, the small smile fading as frustration flickers in his eyes. "There had been a distance between us long before."

"A distance you forced between us," Eris cuts in sharply, voice laced with bitterness. His jaw tightens, and he turns back to look at Azriel with a mixture of pain and anger in his auburn eyes.

"It wasn’t just me or my fault. You played your role in it as well."

Eris‘ eyes widen in surprise. "I loved you, Azriel. And I would have given everything for you, for our love. I even cut strings with my father, for you. For us!"

Azriel flinches at the words, a flash of hurt crossing over his face before he quickly hides it. He breathes in deeply. Once, twice, a few times. Then he exhales a long breath and lets his chin fall to his chest. "That‘s part of the problem. I didn’t want you to do it. To have to do this. Not because of me. He is your family. I wanted to protect you from … losing him." His voice is thick with emotion, trembling as silver starts to line his eyes.

Eris lets out a shaky breath. "Protect me from losing them? I would have never lost my family. My real family, the people who care about me and love me. And when it comes to my father? I wouldn’t really call it a loss. I hate that man." He shakes his head with a loud snort. "You should have talked to me. You made the decision of the breakup for both of us without even giving me a chance to talk to you. Wanting to protect me but destroying me in the course of it.”

"I was scared you wouldn’t understand and I’d only end up hurting you more. I thought you would be much better off without me and eventually would forget about me.”

Eris is shaken by his ex-boyfriend's revelation. His anger falters as his hands start to tremble. "Forget you? Forget us and everything we had? Azriel, you were the only person I could never forget. I loved you more than my own life. You were my world.”

Azriel’s eyes glisten, his shoulders lifting and falling with deep breaths. "I could never forget you either. You were … everything to me, Eris. Everything I had in this damn city and everything I loved… I love the most in the world."

Eris reaches up to wipe away a tear, then swallows roughly. He wants to say something, anything, but he is at a loss of words. Especially when Azriel continues, his truth shaking Eris to the core.

“I never stopped loving you, Eris. Not for a single second," Azriel admits in a voice laden with regret.

A sheet of heavy silence falls over them as the words sink in. Eris is unable to answer, to do anything. He only looks at the wall across from them, replaying Azriel’s revelation in his mind.

Eventually Eris lowers his gaze, his voice barely above a whisper when he says, “I couldn’t move on either. It was simply impossible.” He gives his head a little shake before lifting his gaze again. "Did you… try moving on with someone else?"

Azriel’s throat bobs. "I’ve tried it. Tried dating. But … nothing felt like it did with you," he admits. "Nothing felt like you. No one did."

Their fingers are still naturally laced together, as if they belong together. Because they do, Eris thinks. Because their hands belong together just as much as they do.

"What do you mean?" he asks in a quiet voice.

Azriel’s features soften. "With you, I felt good, seen and loved. Respected and happy. I felt alive. I loved being with you, and experiencing everything the universe had planned for us. I was a fool for what I did. For ending … us. It is my biggest regret in life. My biggest mistake."

When their eyes meet again, there is a spark in Eris‘ eyes—a silent question, a flicker of hope.

The space between them grows narrow, their breaths mingling as they slowly lean closer. Azriel’s gaze drops to Eris’s lips, then back up, as if silently asking for permission. Their foreheads touch, their eyes close and then, slowly, tentatively, their lips meet.

The kiss is hesitant, almost as if they have never kissed before. As if their lips have never touched before, as if their lips have never kissed every part of the other‘s body before.

The moment is too precious, too fragile to rush anything. They want to enjoy it. Bringing one hand up, Eris lets it glide over Azriel’s arm, to his shoulder and eventually to the back of Azriel’s head where he tangles his fingers into the silken strands at the nape of his neck. He wants to deepen the kiss, devour Azriel‘s lips and savour every small moment of it.

However, he makes the plan without Azriel‘s mum. A sudden, shrill ringing cuts through the moment, making them pull away from each other sharply.

Azriel seems to be needing a moment to gather his thoughts, appearing slightly confused as he looks around him, confusion flickering across his face, before reaching into his pocket to fish out his phone. "Mom!" he exclaims, his voice tinged with surprise as he presses the phone to his ear. "I'm fine, yes. And yes, I have food. What—I didn’t get that?"

Eris chuckles softly, the sound low and teasing, before he drags his hand down his face. Then with the confidence of a man who has just kissed his ex-boyfriend who seems to miss him just as much as he does, he reaches out, tipping Azriel's chin up with two fingers, a warm smile playing on his lips.

"Tell her I miss her," he mouths to Azriel.

The man, his phone still against his head, shoves Eris’ hand away and then flips him off.

"Hopefully tomorrow," Azriel says then, smiling as their eyes meet again. "Don’t worry about me, I‘m alright. More than alright. I‘m looked after." His smile turns into something akin to a grin and then he begins to nod. "I will tell you everything when I‘m home. Love you, see you soon. Bye—yes, don’t worry. Yes! Mom! Good, Love you."

Azriel is blushing when he lowers his phone to the mattress, a sheepish smile on his lips. "Where were we?" he asks and leans in again.

Eris mirrors his movement, yet the moment their lips brush, he doesn’t kiss the other, but instead says, "There is something else, right? Another reason you broke up with me. Tell me. Be honest with me. Please. I deserve that."

Azriel’s eyes flutter shut, his trembling lids mirroring the quivering of his lips. He seems to fight with his emotions, struggling to find the right words, but also finally ready to reveal the whole truth he has been holding back the past year.

He swallows audibly and opens his eyes again. Unshed tears form in them as they lock with Eris‘ auburn ones.

"I felt like a burden to you, Eris," Azriel admits, and releases a deep sigh. "You always paid for everything. You worked so hard, while all I ever did was search for jobs—only to find one and lose it within a month. Someone like me will never be good enough for someone like you." He shakes his head, but Eris catches his face gently in his hands. His palms soft against the stubble on Azriel‘s jaw.

"I don’t deserve you, Eris," Azriel continues before his ex can speak. He is not done yet pouring out his heart and putting all the cards on the table. "I never did. I’m not a good guy and—"

"You are!" Eris interrupts, his voice shaking as tears start to line his eyes. "You are and you always were. This is absolute bullshit you're saying. You were never a burden to me."

"Maybe you didn’t realise how much—"

"How much I loved you? How little I cared about the fact that I was paying for most of our dates as you said before. I wouldn’t even have noticed if you hadn’t told me. I loved you, everything about you, every small detail and I couldn’t care less about how much money you brought into our relationship. We are not living in the Middle Ages anymore where the betrothed has to bring a certain amount of money into the marriage."

He drags in a deep breath, sliding his hands from his face to his shoulder, then gently, he pulls Azriel’s closer. “Azriel,” Eris begins, his voice low, “you were everything to me.”

Azriel’s lips part, and a shaky breath escapes. “You were everything to me.”

Eris’s hands begin to tremble, his own eyes watering. “I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped loving you. It was always you, Azriel. And it will—”

“And will forever be,” Azriel finishes, his voice barely above a whisper. "It will forever be you, Eris."

A faint smile tugs at Azriel’s lips as he adds, “Fucking fortunate that we were caught in this damn snowstorm.”

Eris lets out a quiet laugh at that, the sound easing some of the sadness between them.

"Otherwise we would have never talked…"

"We‘re idiots."

"You‘re an idiot, Azriel. You should have talked to me and not ended things without—"

"I know. I know I am and what I did was the worst mistake I could have ever made. I’m sorry."

Eris shifts on the bed, lying down. Azriel follows and lays his head down on Eris’s chest, right above his heart. Naturally, Eris’s hand finds its way to the nape of Azriel’s neck, his fingers threading softly into his hair.

Eris exhales a long breath. "I missed this."

"I missed you," Azriel sighs and his tears start to run freely.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

When Eris wakes, an odd feeling of familiarity overcomes him. His face is pressed against the juncture where Azriel‘s neck meets his shoulder, his arm tightly wrapped around the other man, their limbs entangled. In his nose, there is only the scent of Azriel, the cologne he always uses, dark and musky.

"Good morning, baby," Eris drawls in his sleepy, morning voice and his eyes open wide within an instant, while his heart slams to a halt. He notices his mistake immediately.

Baby.

God! It has just slipped through his lips. However Azriel, much to his own relief, doesn’t seem to mind, doesn’t seem to consider it a mistake.With a lazy smile playing on his lips, the man turns in Eris‘ hold, then kisses Eris’ jaw.

"Morning, baby." The lazy smile quickly turns into a silly grin that makes Azriel, even though he is in his thirties, appear oddly boyish. "God! I missed the sound of you calling me that." He blows out a happy breath. "And I missed calling you that."

"I did too," Eris hums and lowers his forehead to Azriel‘s. He smiles, his heart oddly at ease. However the man below him starts to pout and wiggle in his hold. "Where is my good morning kiss?"

"Right here." Eris kisses him softly, carefully, and yet the hunger of all the time missed between them pours into it. Eris slides his tongue over the seam of Azriel’s lips, gently asking for entrance which the man happily grants him.

It is wonderful, Eris thinks, the feeling so familiar and warm. Their lips are made for one another, perfectly sealing, becoming one.

They kiss for a long time, so long they don‘t even notice that the snowstorm outside has started to calm, now only single, small flakes of white swirl around in the frosty December air.

Azriel’s starts to tangle his fingers in the hair at the nape of Eris‘ neck, almost as if never wanting to let go again. He deepens the kiss, pressing his mouth against Eris‘ with quite an urgency as if to forget about everything that happened between them, as if to erase the 11 months that separated them.

The kiss is intense, needy, hungry, Eris realises, and suddenly the room feels too small, the walls too close, the space too narrow and he can’t breathe anymore.

He can’t keep kissing Azriel—not when their paths will part after today, anyway. Too much has happened between them, and some things can’t be undone. They can’t just go back to how things were before they broke up, can they?

Azriel must have noticed Eris’ sudden distraction, that he no longer focuses on the moment, on the kiss and so he slowly pulls back. And so does Eris.

Eris’ eyes shut and he wipes his hand down his face, his heart slumping.

"Fuck," he curses, and yet his voice is soft, and slightly hoarse. His hand lingers on Azriel’s face a moment longer, before he lets it drop to the pillow below.

"We still need to talk about—What this—what last night, what all of this means … to us." He exhales a long, shuddering breath. "For our future. And for us."

Azriel sucks in a shuddering breath. "I was an idiot." His jaw flexes as he grinds his teeth in anger. "I projected everything I was feeling on you and that was wrong."

Their gazes finally meet again and lock. "I want to give us another chance. I want us to try again—" He stops himself, wipes his hand over his mouth and then adds, "Given that this is also what you want."

Hesitance and doubt settles in Eris gut like a heavy weight, making his breathing deepen.

"I promise I’ll do better this time. I‘ll stop convincing myself I’m not good enough for you. I‘ll stop believing that we don’t work out together."

A mix of many emotions flickers over Eris‘ face—worry, longing, fear, … love. He has never stopped loving Azriel, isn’t even sure he would ever be able to do so, but trying a relationship again when last time‘s end tore him into pieces…?

"Azriel…” he starts, but his voice trembles so hard he needs a moment to breathe. He turns his head away and his eyes close.

"I don’t want to lose you. Not again, Eris. Please … let me fight for us. I messed up. I messed up a lot, but I won’t make this mistake again."

Eris exhales sharply, running a hand through his hair, still not looking at Azriel. "Last time the break up destroyed me. I can’t do this a second time. I won‘t survive it a second time."

"It won’t happen again. Never again. We will try and we will fight. I will fight to do better, I will—"

"I don’t want you to have to do this. I don’t want you to try and be better or do better. I want to be able to love you and that‘s all, Azriel."

Eris closes his eyes again, and when they open, he turns his head back to Azriel. "I want us to just love each other, without worrying about money or some similar bullshit. I want you, Azriel. Exactly how you are and not some other version of you, some fake version, some act you put on for my benefit. I want you the way you are right now, honest, sincere, vulnerable. I want the Azriel I got to know all those years ago." He pauses to breathe again.

"I’ve never stopped loving you. I want to be with you. All the distance between us, the time we couldn’t spend together showed me how much I actually love you, how much I need you in my life ,” he admits and of their own accord his hands reach out to pull Azriel in again.

"So, that‘s a yes to trying again?" Azriel places a soft kiss to Eris‘ chest, then fully snuggles his face into the other’s shirt.

Eris is about to answer, but takes a moment to consider. Then he kisses the top of Azriel‘s head. "I want us to give time." His fingers travel down the length of Azriel’s back and up again. "Let's not rush things now. We should give ourselves the time over Christmas to think about everything and then—"

"We‘ll meet and talk?" Azriel pushes up from Eris‘ chest, his sparkling eyes and his sheepish smile hopeful. "I‘ll be by back by the 28th and—"

"Me too." A faint smile forms on Eris‘ lips before he blows out a long, pent-up breath. "Don’t make me regret this."

tags: @azrielsbabyg @lady-riel @moonlightazriel @aayo-whatt @brekkershadowsinger @ladyelain @banasheefan56 @a-frog-with-a-laptop @ofduskanddreams @acourtofladydeath @secret-third-thing @born-to-riot @chunkypossum @jules-writes-stories @unanswered-stars @christeareads @mistandmemories @bookishbroadwaybish @c-starstuff-man0 @talibunny30 @nestasgoodside @baileybird71

thank you so much for beta reading @queercontrarian @born-to-riot and @moonlightazriel🫶🏻

#azris #acotar #azriel #acosf #azriel x eris #secretsanta2024 #acotar gift exchange #eris vanserra

79 notes · View notes

talibunny30 · 6 days ago

Text

Hollowed out

Azriel x Eris

This is the fic I made for my giftee; @gravitysthrall! I'm so excited and happy I got to participate in this and a big thanks to all the amazing people who organised it. Dividers by @tsunami-of-tears

Word Count: 6039

Warnings: Angst, Swearing, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, some suggestiveness, brief panic attack/breakdown

The halls are quiet. It is to be expected, given the late hour, most are in bed by now, yet here I walk, up and down halls, waiting. For what? Eris, the High Lord of Autumn, to finally come out of his hobbit hole of an office and take a break. My pace slows as I cross that door, the royal bed chambers. Neither Eris nor I have used them since Berons' death. It bears too many bad memories, haunts the residents of the forest house.

My gaze lingers on the ancient wood arch, the intricate pictures carved meticulously by skilled hands. It must have taken hours, such a shame that the details get overlooked by everyone because of a reputation left by someone else.

My footsteps continue on silently as I make my way to my mate, guided by that golden thread. He has blocked his side of the bond. Again.

I try not to let the hurt creep in, I understand he's a High Lord now, his duties and responsibilities have grown exponentially since the war, he can only split his time between so many things. The logical part of my brain tries to convince me of this, but my heart cries out for help. Lately, the bond is blocked more often than not and between paperwork and my missions, physical contact hasn't been available either.

I stop in front of his door. If it weren't for the wards, I'm sure I'd hear the furious scratching of a quill on paper.

Pushing aside the barrier, I walk in, making my steps audible for his benefit. Eris doesn't lift his head, or hum, or acknowledge me in any way shape or form and my heart cracks a little more. It's been like this, cold and unfeeling, for far too long, I don't know how much more of it I can take.

"Eris?"

Nothing.

My jaw tightens.

"High Lord" I grit out between clenched teeth. Is this really what I've been reduced to? Just another fae begging for the favor of his Lord instead of the love of his life, his mate, his husband.

"Yes, Azriel?" I swallow down my rising anger, I didn't come here to argue, and the sound of my name on his tongue almost drowns my temper anyway. The soft care in my voice comes naturally.

"Eris, don't you think it's time to take a break? You've been in here for hours, you haven't eaten or had something to drink since this morning, come, have dinner with me" The time for dinner has long since passed, but I'd do anything to make him walk out of this room, where he has unknowingly imprisoned himself.

"Please" The desperation in my tone isn't subtle, and I can't bring myself to be embarrassed about it because that's what I am. Desperate. A child begging for scraps of attention.

He stays silent for what feels like an eternity longer, the clock ticking, time running through my fingers, unable to grab hold, just swept along with the tide like dust under the carpet.

The scribbling of his quill pauses, he sighs, looks into my eyes, and for just a moment, I see the affection he once had for me. For a moment, hope squeezes my heart and I don't want it to end.

Eris's amber orbs study me, then wander back to the paper, however the reluctance to do so is the thread I grasp to tug him back to me.

"I promise the paper's will still be there when you get back, an hour is all I ask" I wanted to ask for two, but I feel I'm already asking for too much. At this point, I'd cherish ten minutes.

He sighs again and rubs his eyes, the bags beneath them a stark contrast to his sallow skin. Even his freckles seem to have lost their vibrancy.

"Alright, I'll have dinner with you, right after I finish this document, I'll come down to our room" In any other situation, I would have bristled at how he made spending time with me sound like a chore, but I was too happy with his acquiescence.

I walked calmly out the room, giving my mate a smile, which he returned in a grimace like fashion. Once I crossed the threshold and was out of Eris's line of sight, my shadows hurtled themselves toward the kitchens. I invited Eris to dinner, but I didn't actually have anything prepared, and none of the staff would be awake, it's almost one in the morning.

The shadows were giddy, skittering along the walls and floor, some of them climbing the ceiling. Their voices all flooded me at once, fighting for space in my head, they were yelling about what to make. One of them suggested a three course meal and they were all too happy to jump on that idea.

We don't have time to make a feast, and Eris certainly won't have time to eat all of it. Think simple, we'll prepare a charcuterie board, gather some crackers, bread and cold meat, then we'll return to the room.

They grumbled their dissatisfaction, but complied anyway. They scoured the kitchen, slicing sourdough, whole grain, flat bread, and gathering different crackers, as well as an insanely wide assortment of cheeses. They had ham and pulled pork and salami, plating it as if it were to be presented at a banquet. They had always loved doing these sorts of things for Eris, and after being deprived of it for so long, they were going to turn simple into gourmet.

They helped me carry it all to our room, the bed was still made, telling me that Eris hadn't slept at all last night. Servants weren't allowed in our room, I was on a mission, and Eris never made the bed, he didn't see the need if you were just going to mess it up again the next night. I closed my eyes, letting the memory wash over me.

"You don't make your bed in the morning?" Eris rolled his eyes.

"No. Not anymore at least, not since I was the general" He picked up the pillow I had just placed putting it askew again and I huffed.

"Why not? You're a neat freak with everything else, but your bed is the only exception?"

"I see no point in making our bed when we mess it up so frequently" He pulled me toward him by the arm, wrapping his around my neck when our bodies collided. He guided the both of us backwards until the back of his knees hit the bed frame, Eris spun us around mid-fall so I was pinned under him. He leaned in so close we shared each breath and his eyes darkened, flitting between mine and my lips. I surged up, closing the distance, and threaded my fingers in his red locks.

The bed was indeed, messed again.

I set down all the plates, leaving enough room for Eris and I to sit against the pillows, the shadows fussed over every detail while we waited for my mate.

Ten minutes passed.

Then thirty.

Then an hour. Still no sign of my husband. I couldn't even feel the exhaustion, the anger was too great, but still I stayed.

The sun was starting to peak over the horizon when I finally decided to leave. The shadows drooped like wilted plants, my wings dragged slightly. I tried to figure out what I was feeling.

I had every reason to be angry, to be furious, but I wasn't. Was I worried? Did some part of my subconscious think something had happened to Eris? It didn't feel like it. My mind raced through all the options, as I trudged to one of the spare rooms. I didn't want to sleep in our bed, so I lay awake in another, but it wasn't till the first bell rang, signalling five am that I found the word I was searching for.

Hollow.

That's how I felt. Hollow.

It sent a pang through my heart and I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, but I had no tears left. Day after day, night after night, Eris and I had become strangers and it hurt. It fucking hurt.

My eyes wandered over the mahogany ceiling aimlessly, my mind swimming in doubt and shattered expectations. Expectations. I scoffed at myself in my head. More like childish wishes.

The pain seeped back into me, and I made my decision.

I have to leave.

Leave Autumn, leave Eris, leave this entire mess of a life. Just for a bit. Just for some space to think and gather myself, to figure out my next move because if this is to be my life with him, my mate. Even in my own thoughts, my voice cracked.

Then I'll have to- I couldn't complete the thought. Rejecting the bond, ending what Eris and I had spent years building... I don't think I could survive it. I don't think I'd want to.

I packed a bag. It didn't contain much, just some clothes. I still had a few pairs back at the cabin, but I preferred these, they were more comfortable.

And they smell like Autumn! The shadows pitched in, I ignored that comment however. I didn't want to admit that even while angry at him, I still sought out Eris for comfort. I did not need to be reminded right now that I need him much more than he needs me.

Usually when I wanted to clear my head, I'd fly, but the weight in my chest was so heavy, I feared I'd plummet like a rock.

The shadows swarmed around me, pulling me from my empty bedroom, to the empty cabin. The second I had fully materialised, Rhysand was in my head.

Azriel? What are you doing here? Are you alright? Did something happen?

It had taken time for the inner circle to accept my mating with Eris; they had eventually come around, but none of them really trusted him, especially not Rhys. He was always just waiting for something to happen, waiting for Eris to do something so that he could take me back to the Night Court.

I knew it was because he cared, and that the worry in his tone was genuine, but I was too tired to explain to him what was going on.

I'm fine, everything's fine.

I could feel him lift his eyebrow, could picture the 'Do you think I'm a blind idiot' look on his face.

I just need a break from... From what? Eris? I couldn't say that, not because it wasn't true, because technically, it was, but because it would hurt to admit it.

I decided to forgo the rest of my sentence. Is it ok if I stay here? Just for a few days.

A pause ensued, then in a much softer tone, an understanding one, he said; Of course Azriel, you will always be welcome here.

And I felt in my bones that it was true, I just didn't want to think about what that might mean for me.

Eris's Pov

I was going to break that infernal clock, tick tick ticking in the back of my head like the pressure of how little time I had wasn't enough already.

I had just finished the paper I was working on, but one more couldn't hurt, it would just mean less work for tomorrow, maybe then I could spend some time with my mate. Liar, there is always more work to do the next day.

I pushed the voice down, trying fruitlessly to smother it. Azriel was right, I needed a break. And right after this paper, I'd get one. Azriel and I would have dinner, and maybe, just maybe, we could fall asleep in each other's arms again. What I wouldn't give for that?

I finished putting the last signature on the bottom of the page to approve the project. It was for some agriculture thing, I didn't have enough head space to really go into too much detail, just enough to know it would help.

I got up from the desk, stretching, but my eyes got caught on another document. That one is quick to fill out, it will take me five minutes at most, Azriel will understand, he always does.

I haven't thanked my mate enough for the patience he's had with me, I haven't had the time to, but I will. Once all the things from my father's reign have been sorted, I'll be able to show him how much I appreciated his love and support.

The clock continues its ticking, and I'm only vaguely aware of the time passing, pulled once again into the onslaught of paperwork that buries my desk. One report turned into two, then to five, then a stack.

I'm pulled out once again when a thud is heard to my right. My head snaps up, eyes locking with the target. It's one of the early rising servants, dropping off another stack of papers and documents for me to sign. I whip around to look at the clock to see it is indeed eight o’clock in the morning.

I look back at her and she smiles sheepishly, then leaves. They may be light footed, but I should have heard her open the door. Had she been an assassin, I'd be dead. The lack of sleep really is getting to me.

I run my hands over my face and pick up the quill again, resigned to another day filled with endless words on paper and that bloody clock.

Sliding over the next thing, I can't help but pause at this nagging feeling that I've forgotten something. It claws at my insides, churning my gut, but I have to focus on what's important, I have to-

Azriel

Shit!

I completely forgot. I drop my quill, and shove the doors aside. I'm walking so fast that it could be considered a run but I need to see Azriel, my mate. I need to apologise, to explain, to-

The room is empty save for the spread of meat and cheeses with an assortment of bread and crackers now plagued with flies. My head pivots, searching for any hint of Azriel, the only sign he'd been here was his lingering scent.

I took a moment to breathe it in. Night chilled mist and cedar. Cauldrons I loved his scent, and his wings, and his smile. I just loved him.

His wingspan could sometimes be a pain in my ass (literally) but cauldron boil and fry me, it felt heavenly.

I opened my side of the bond reaching out, but all I was met with was solid walls. My heart stopped. Have I finally pushed him too far?

I tug harder, but am met with no response, dread settles in my stomach. What have I done?

I get the creeping feeling of being watched, and a few of my mate's shadows twirl into view. Usually the sight of them would reassure me, but something about their presence now was foreboding.

"Where is Azriel?" My voice is a mere whisper, but it seemed to echo in the room. They just sat there, dancing on the spot, never still, never motionless. It was unnerving. The slow fluidity of this dark entity, nothing in nature moved like that.

They finally left that spot on the floor, racing down the hall. "Wait" They did not.

I chased after them, barely keeping the swirls of black in view, every time they turned a corner, I thought I'd lose them. They slithered under one of the guest bedrooms, and without question, I flung the doors to the side.

Nothing.

No Azriel.

I looked to the shadows in question. "Why have you brought me here?" Obviously they gave no verbal response, they couldn't, but they just... disappeared. Vanished into thin air. Leaving behind a note in Az's handwriting. I just looked at it, thinking of all the effort he'd put in to be able to write in fancy script.

I picked up the note, reading it quietly to myself. Then reading it again, and again until it stuck.

Dear Eris,

If you're reading this, you've finally come out of your office. You do not need to worry about me, I'm safe in the Night Court, Rhysand knows I'm here.

Don't come get me. When I'm ready, I'll come back, but for now, I just need some time to think.

Sincerely, Your Shadow Azriel

In so few, simple words, I felt my heart crumble. I desperately clawed at the wall blocking me from my mate, but it held strong.

I could feel the panic rise within me, my breath coming in short gasps. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening. I can't- I can't do this without him. I can't. I need him, I need my mate I-

My knees gave out from beneath me, and I hit the floor hard, the sudden bite of pain becoming a small drop in what was quickly gathering to be an ocean.

Azriel left. My mate left.

The words clanged through me with such clarity, I couldn't have stopped the tears if I tried. I broke down for the first time in centuries. Azriel was gone and it was all my fault, I drove him away, I neglected him.

Just like my father did to my mother.

That was the last straw. Loud ugly sobs fell from my lips, my body caved in on itself. How could I let this happen, how could I do this to him?

I stayed there for hours, until I had no more tears, until my throat was raw and no sound could come out. I crawled up onto the bed, curling my body around the pillow he'd used on his last night here. He said not to go after him, that he needed space. I could give him that. I will give him that. Even if it hurts.

3rd person Pov

Eris got up the morning after, feeling more tired than he had all month, his bones felt like they were made of granite but as frail as sandstone.

Days passed by painfully slow. He tried to focus, to tackle those papers that had driven him from his mate, but everything felt overwhelming. The sun was too bright, the stacks too high, his bed too warm, nothing felt right. Eris couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, he couldn't breathe. He felt like he was suffocating, choking on his own actions and he just wanted his mate back in his arms. He was prepared to do anything to bring Azriel home.

But alas, no word from the shadow singer had reached his ears. It had been twelve days, neither Az nor anyone else from the Night Court had told him anything. It was driving him mad. Had something happened? Or was this really the end?

Another tear slipped out. His eyes burned from all the crying, all the sleepless nights filled with worry and anxiety. There was this perpetual feeling of nausea that he couldn't seem to shake, no tonic or pill worked.

He couldn't take it anymore, he needed to know. Eris winnowed into the town house. He knew Rhysand didn't live there, but it would get his attention.

He didn't have to wait long before the High Lord and Lady of Night as well as the general stood before him, all with scowls on their faces.

"Eris" Rhysand said tersely, his jaw clenched. Eris's eyes were bloodshot, but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

"How is he? Is he alright?" The High Lord's voice came out soft but clear.

"Azriel will speak to you when he is ready" Feyre spoke this time, eyes narrowed.

"I know, I'm not here to force him to see me, I just- I need to know he's ok" The waver in his voice was slight, but there. They all picked up on it, however, had no intention of faltering.

Cassian was about to add his two cents when Azriel appeared in the shadows.

His face was unreadable, but the knotted black curls and massive eye bags were a testament to how much he had been struggling despite being the one to have initiated the space.

Eris swallowed but didn't speak. Just stared at his lover with desperation.

Everyone stared at Azriel, waiting for him to say something.

"Thank you for defending my privacy, but I would like to speak to Eris alone" It was not lost on the red headed fae that Azriel had called him by his name, instead of saying 'my mate' like he usually would have.

Rhysand, Feyre, and Cassian slowly left, they didn't winnow away, just vacated the room, and Rhysand put up wards to give them privacy, staying close in case Eris tried anything.

For a long time, they stood in silence, neither knowing what to say until Eris cleared his throat. "Are you sure you're ready to talk to me? I did not come here with the intention of forcing an interaction between us." The words hurt him, he didn't want to leave without his mate, but if that's what Azriel wanted, he would give him that.

"If you need more- more space then-"

"No"

"...No?"

"I'm done with space. We need to figure this out. Now or never."

Eris nodded, but he was unsure if he should say something, or wait for Azriel to speak first.

Azriel sighed, and sat down at the table, motioning for Eris to do the same. Somehow, this felt worse than standing, but he complied nonetheless.

Azriel rested both arms on the table, fingers interlocked. He raised his hazel eyes to look into Eris's amber ones.

"I'm going to ask you a question, Eris, and I need you to answer honestly, can you do that?" He nods.

"Do you still want this bond, or would you rather have us reject it?”

How could he say that? Eris was appalled, he knew he'd been neglectful, but Azriel couldn't actually believe he regretted this, regretted them, could he? No, it was unthinkable, Eris refused to believe it.

"Azriel, you don't mean that, you can't." He shook his head, his heart felt like it was being squeezed to the point it might explode.

"Answer the question." Azriel's voice was devoid of emotion. Eris grit his teeth, not liking the tone his mate was using on him. That voice was for prisoner's, not him.

"No, Azriel, I don't want to reject the bond" There was a little bite to his voice before a realisation hit him. His words came out small, and meek.

"Do you?"

Eris prayed that wasn't the case, he would beg on his hands and knees if he had to, he would burn those papers, and close off his office if that's what he wanted. Eris was prepared to give up his throne if it would make Azriel reconsider.

"No, I don't, I never have" The relief flooded Eris, the grip on his heart loosened just a bit, just enough for him to breathe again.

"But things cannot go on the way they have. I am tired of not being your first priority, of not even being your tenth!" The spymaster raised his voice for the first time that night. "There is always something that needs to happen. There's always paperwork; documents, complaints, reports, there is always some tradition in one of the villages that people barely remember because Beron forbade it that suddenly wants you to attend."

His breathing was growing heavier with each point, and it was clear he'd been keeping this bottled inside for a long time. "Then finally we find a time in which our free times could align through no small effort, and out of nowhere, the Lords call for an emergency meeting, to discuss their decreased cash flow."

Everything he was saying was true, Eris couldn't defend himself, not that he had any ground to stand on in the first place, so he just listened to Azriel lament.

"And I know, believe me, I know that being a new High Lord is a lot of pressure. I don't pretend to understand what you have gone through nor what you are currently going through, and I've tried to be patient but-"

Azriel's voice cracked mid sentence. He took a deep breath, and Eris had to stain his ears to hear him now.

"I can't. I can't live like this. Barely seeing you for weeks on end just to be brushed off I-" He was visibly shaking now, the tremor in his words reflected his state and his eyes, his beautiful hazel eyes had taken on a glassy sheen.

"Eris, it should pain you to be away from me-"

"It does" He promised, staring at Azriel's face, committing every detail to memory like he was going to slip out of his grasp.

"Not like it hurts me" Az was shaking his head, his heart on his sleeve.

Eris scoffed. "What are you talking about? I hate the distance just as much as you do, more, even. This week especially has been so painful-"

"Clearly not painful enough!"

"What do you mean 'Not painful enough'? It has been excruciating for me! How would you even know? You haven't been around-"

"Because you're not the one falling apart!"

"Of course I'm falling apart Azriel! You left! How was I supposed to feel about that?!"

"Nothing. You were supposed to feel absolutely nothing"

"What the fuck are you trying to say?" Eris was seething now. How dare he insinuate that this hadn't been hard on him too?

"That you. Don't. Care, until there are consequences"

Eris opened his mouth to retort, but was interrupted before he could. "I was gone for three hours. Three hours, Eris, before you even noticed I'd left. Three hours before you came out of your office like you'd said you would. 'My word to you will always be true, this I promise' that was one of our vows to each other, and I cannot count the amount of times you've broken it."

He was stunned into silence, the weight of it all crashing down on him hard. "You had been blissfully unaware while I second guessed our mating"

Tears were streaming down both their faces, wild and unrestrained. Their breathing was ragged, and despite the cacophony of emotions, they both just wanted to comfort the other. But too many feelings left unresolved prevented them from doing so, instead, they stewed in the silence, the only sounds being the occasional sniffle or sharp exhale.

"Azriel I- I'm so sorry. I didn't realise what all this was doing to you. I should have known, should have seen the signs. As your husband, as your mate I should have- Cauldrons Azriel, I can't express how sorry I am, words don't do it justice, but I will find a way to make it up to you. I will. I don't know how, yet, but that, I can promise you."

The shadow singer nods. Eris wants to ask what happens now, does he return, or will he stay in the sanctuary of the Night Court? He waits for him to say something, but is left empty handed. He is the one to nod this time, winnowing back to his court.

Eris lies awake, thinking of ways to make it up to Azriel. If it were anyone else, he'd formulate a plan to execute some grand gesture, but this was Azriel. Azriel does not do grand gestures. It should make it easier but instead, it leaves Eris walking circles in his head, tormenting himself with wanting to do more, but knowing his lover wouldn't like it, and everything else just feeling like it would fall short.

It wasn't until well into the night that Eris felt Azriel return to the forest house. He held his breath, both wishing for him to take the corridor to the bedroom he occupied (It didn't feel right to sleep in their shared bed without Az there) and praying he didn't. What could he say? He was nowhere near ready to talk to Azriel, yet that was all he wanted to do.

Azriel went to a different bedroom, one just a few passageways to the left. His heart sank, however he scolded himself saying it was for the best, and that he hadn't earned being in the same bed yet.

Although when a small little shadow crept up, twining itself in between Eris's long fingers, he couldn't help but bring the little creature closer to his face, and smile.

Time skip

Over the next two weeks, Eris tried his best to earn Azriel back, he had started by showing up at his door and asking him out on a date. He half thought that Azriel would decline and slam the door in his face but by some miracle, the shadowsinger found it in him to take Eris's olive branch.

That first date seemed to open the flood gates. Every other day they'd be out, in the forest, a village, they'd even gone out of Autumn once or twice. The Lords made sure to make their displeasure known and the piles of paperwork were stacking up again faster than Eris could make them go down, but he ignored it in favor of his mate.

He obviously couldn't neglect his High Lord duties completely, he still held audiences when requested, and he did what paperwork he could, but he'd finally taken a leap, and removed many of the lords from the board.

He still hadn't found replacements for all of them, but it was some much needed progress. Having people he could trust to surround him and try to guide his rule instead of the power hungry toads admittedly made it quite a bit easier. Eris felt like he was in control of his responsibilities for the first time in years, since he started his reign, actually.

But it wasn't until recently, that Azriel truly forgave him.

Eris had walked up to Azriel's door, just like he had numerous times in the past fortnight. He waited nervously for him to answer, running his fingers through his hair and smoothing out his clothes. He loved Azriel, truly, but he absolutely hated how he was reduced to a twenty year old with no experience every time he asked him out.

The door opened, and there stood the love of his life donning Autumn finery. They had gotten into many teasing arguments about the garments over the years, Azriel always claiming it was over the top and Eris countering that he was technically a High Lord now too, even if he didn't bare the title (Because Azriel had refused, not because Eris hadn't offered) so the clothes were befitting someone of his station.

Azriel had laughed uproariously at that.

"Hello," Azriel said from inside the door frame. "I don't believe we had a date scheduled, unless I'm mistaken?"

"You're not, mistaken, that is. I wanted to surprise you, if that's alright?" Azriel wasn't overly fond of surprises. To be frank, neither was Eris, but he'd think this might be an exception.

Azriel raised both eyebrows. "Consider me surprised"

Eris blushed. Fucking. Blushed. What in the name of the mother did this male do to him?

"Would you- ahem- Would you please come with me into the dining hall?" Eris said, clearing his voice when it came out a bit too timid.

Azriel nodded slowly. "Sure, just let me change into something else"

"No one else will be there, so just that is fine." He insisted, because if he waits any longer, he might get cold feet and back out.

Once again surprise spreads across the Illyrians face, usually it is Eris who is so adamant on being 'properly adorned' for such occasions, even in the comfort of their own home.

"Alright" He says, closing the door behind him. "Lead the way, High Lord"

Oh, Azriel was trying to kill him, wasn't he? He never calls him High Lord unless he's angry, or wants Eris's attention on him for... other reasons. Much more pleasurable ones. He really hopes it's the second option and gulps as he steps in front of his mate to lead.

He holds the door as his beloved shadow steps in, taking in the spread laid out before them.

"Apologies if it's not on par with the usual cuisine served, I'm not the best cook, even with specific, and detailed instructions."

The male whips around staring at him. "You made all this?"

Eris nods "I did. Figured I had to make up for the dinner I'd missed. And, you know, all the ones before that." He breathes in deeply, preparing himself for his next words. "Look, I know that what I did was wrong, even if I never meant to hurt you, I did. And I'm not afraid to admit that I still don't quite know how to fully bring you back to me, but I-"

The air is knocked out of him by a body colliding with his, preventing the rest of his speech from leaving his lips.

"You just did" The words are mumbled into the junction of his neck, but he hears them just fine. The stress, and tension melts away as he wraps his arms around Azriel for the first time in way too long.

Tears of joy appear in the corners of his eyes but they are wiped away by his mate's thumbs as his scarred hands cup Eris's face. The words he so desperately needed falling effortlessly from the spymaster's lips.

"I love you, and I forgive you." Their emotions flood the bond and they fall to the floor together, holding one another in a tight embrace.

"Thank you, I promise, I will never treat you like that again. Never."

A few days later

Sunlight fell through the curtains onto their faces, gently waking up the two lovers. They were having a slow morning, it was ten and they still hadn't even gotten up for breakfast. They chose to instead lay in each other's embrace, enjoying the tranquility of it.

Tranquility that was broken by a knock. Eris sighed, running his hands over his face. He stretched and quickly threw on some pants along with a robe to at least cover himself a little.

He opened the door, shocking the servant on the other side who hastily lowered her gaze upon realising her High Lord was shirtless, choosing instead to speak to the floor rather than look him in the eyes.

"High Lord, I'm greatly sorry to disturb you, but the Lords are requesting a meeting on an improved payment plan for the agricultural contributors of Autumn, as well as some trade routes."

He nods, thanking her. When he walks back, Azriel is still in bed, eyes closed, the covers only concealing half of him. Eris smiled and dreaded leaving him.

"The lords want to hold a meeting about a few comings and goings of Autumn." He was sure Azriel had heard, especially with the little shadows constantly whispering information to him.

His mate only hummed, the picture of relaxation. "It's alright, you can go" Damn Azriel and his uncanny ability to read him, of course he knew that was the real reason why he'd repeated the information to him.

"Are you sure?" He asked, he never wanted to feel that again, never wanted to drive his mate away, so he just had to ask one more time.

"Yes, I'm sure." Eris accepted this. If Az really wasn't ok with it, he would say something.

Eris busied himself with getting ready, he took a quick shower, combed his hair and got dressed. It wasn't until he had just finished primping and was almost out the door that Azriel spoke up, calling Eris's name.

"Yes, my love?"

"I'm going to organise lunch for us, so I'll be waiting for you in the dining hall, go there once you're done." Eris stayed in the doorway, sensing there was more. "And afterwards... would you like to mess the bed with me?" A mischievous grin painted his face.

"Always"

A/n: That's the end! I hope you enjoyed, it was a bit longer than I thought it'd be but I'm just glad it's done on time. This was the first fic I've ever written proper angst for, hope it wasn't horrible.

Have a very Merry Christmas

From: @azrielsshadows42

To: @gravitysthrall

Thank you @acotargiftexchange

54 notes · View notes