#zipperhead

[paulftompkins]

PHILADELPHIA:

Varietopia is coming to youse!

June 16th & 17th, Underground Arts

NOT TO BE MISSED

FRIDAY TICKETS

SATURDAY TICKETS

Art: Nathan Diffee

[tmt-sketch-a-day]

Sketch a Day 2875-Zipperhead- 1/7/24

[kevzinudeep]

[tributes-vamps-and-ginnyweasley]

I haven't been able to read for over a year (and have had problems with it for 2 years before then) due to medical reasons. I just recently was able to get a surgery to help that and have finished my first book.

And whenever anyone asks, I will have to explain the ABO, smutty, AO3-inspired thing that is Bride by Ali Hazelwood...

But honestly it was worth it

[boopsloop363]

Me at the Korean restaurant

[thechiaripillow]

Chip’s Surgery Special

$88.00

Chip’s Surgery Special – One Zipperhead Chiari Pillow ™ and One Pain in the Neck Pillow

A FANTASTIC combination to soothe you and comfort you. Guaranteed, and awesome!

The Pain in the Neck Pillow is specifically designed to protect surgical incisions at the area of the base of the skull after surgery.

The Zipperhead is adjustable for YOUR comfort and is designed to be your all-time favorite pillow ever…for every day of your journey.

Shop Now!

[cass-selfshipping-wonderland]

Hello! My name is Cas (They/Them) and i am 20 years old and this is my selfshipping blog!

My account 16+, only because theres going to be some suggestive stuff on here, and any explicit stuff will be under a cut

Feel free to spam posts on my account

Anti and proship dni

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My F/O list!

~Romantic~

Loki from Son Of The Mask (Filed under "Mischief management")

Eli Gold from The Good Wife/Good Fight (Filed under "pure gold <3")

Glitch/Ambrose from Tin Man (Filed under "Zipperhead Inc.")

~Familial~

Brackish Okun from Independence Day/IDR (Filed under "Science bros: the reboot")

Crowley From Good Omens

Azriaphale from Good Omens

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[pattonvirglsanders]

TMA as quotes from my friends

Elias: Kids, if you murder someone, just change your name to Not Guilty!

Melanie: Do you have a knife? Like a sharp one?

Jon: I’m dead on the INSIDE not OUTSIDE! There’s a difference!

Jon, very drunk: Did you know that humans can hear with their ears?

Martin: There’s nothing wrong with looking like an aspirin pill!

Jon: Mayyybbbee your right

Martin: YEAH YOU ARE.....wait-

Martin: Do you think Jesus can read minds?

Melanie: Are you on Jesus’s side or my side?

Tim: Shaggy had no idea he was on crack

About Martin and Peter Lucas: Newest Headline: Stubborn introverts pick a fight in a Shake Shack

Martin: I don’t like confrontation......USUALLY-

Elias: You have been DUPED, bamboozled, thunderstruck.

Martin: I don’t feel the need to be run over by a bus at this time, please come back later.

Martin: According to google, you’re JESUS-

Basira: Only serial killers drink warm Bacardi

Martin: It’s not memory foam as much as it’s TraumaFoam ™

Jon to Gerry: Where were you the night you were murdered?!

Distortion!Helen: Who needs gender when you can have pockets!

Martin: Well then you’re a noodle!

Tim: What type of noodle?

Martin: A weak noodle!

Tim: Weak isn’t a type of noodle!

Martin: Then you’re spaghetti!

Sasha: No not spaghetti, it’s too nice. What about that weird chickpea pasta?

Tim: I do not want heterosexual skittles!

Martin: We’re not gonna murder anyone today

Georgie: The cat loves getting high at our house

Melanie: *sending you good vibes and the permission to commit 1 felony*

Jonah Magnus: Life is a lot tastier the less morals you have

Elias/Jonah: Authoritarianism is great when I’m the authority

Elias @ Peter: I don’t fuck losers!

Also Elias @ Peter: I will win sex!

Distortion!Helen: Stick it to the MAN man.

Melanie: You’re not a MAN, man!

Tim: I just have a fifth sense for those things

Martin: Ah it’s melting and covered in hair! I’ll throw it out

Jon: IM melting and covered in hair! Are you gonna throw ME out?

Jon: I am now British Jesus

Melanie: If someone slaps you, kill them

Tim: I WAS BLACKOUT DRUNK THIS ENTIRE YEAR

Elias: I shall hang him instead, ROPES are reusable! :)

Elias: *looks at the aromantic flag* Is that the Italian flag?!

Jon: My gender is an ER patient

Tim: I have a politician- a PETITION- I don’t have a man I have an idea

Basira: My week has been uninteresting and Jon is probably transfem

Jonah Magnus: I accept king, queen, ruler, god

Jon: Cuocally described as quote, “a bitch”, unquote

Martin: *with the most ire you’ve ever heard* …happy salmon

Elias/Jonah: *to a telemarketer* I’m already dead

Elias: A bumpkin, a buffoon, a zipperhead

Tim: I am secure in the fact that I am a pretty, pretty princess

Elias: I want to practice tyranny

Jon about basically any Lightner: This book is about killing the hell out of each other

Elias: De Kooning wouldn’t like it but HA he’s dead

Jonah Magnus: I don’t care about the normal life expectancy, I’m going to live forever

Jon: We can call all sorts of shadows into doubt

Georgie: God’s out there chilling

Daisy: Cease and decease

Jon after accidentally starting the eyepocalypse: I appear to have made a fucky-wucky

Melanie: Elias is gone and it definitely wasn’t my fault

Peter Lucas: It’s not funny when I help people

Elias: Remember kids it’s not a felony if it’s a misdemeanor

Jon: Now I need to bring my tomes to work

About Jon: He is now no longer a little guy, he has become an instrument of destruction

The Distortion: I speak no lies… unless I speak lies

Jon in Somewhere Else: My best friend had to murder me, it was SO MUCH FUN

[dearabby1990]

Chapter 1 Can I help you?

Today was the start of a lot of firsts and new things for you. You left New Jersey to get away from your toxic father. After your mother passed of cancer you father became a bitter shell of his former self. Blaming everything wrong on you & making you feel less then human for even breathing. You couldn’t take it anymore feeling as if the weight of the world was crushing you. You decided one day to pin a map to your bedroom wall you spun twice & threw at dart at the map promising yourself wherever it landed is where you’d be going. So that’s why you’re here now in Hawkins Indiana working stocking the new dock martins that just came in next hanging all the new jackets that came in today. Nearing your lunch break you couldn’t be more excited to eat and catch a cigarette. The moment you were about to go you here the bell of the door. Not looking up you speak to the customer “welcome to zipperheads is there anything I can help you with today?” You hear the person walk forward no reply you lift your head to see the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen in your life. Brown eyes that looked like warm pools of caramel and Amber his dimples as he smiled at you his long curly hair falling perfectly around the frame of his face. You felt like the air had been sucked out of your lungs. “Hey there pretty girl I don’t know could you help me I’m looking for a new pair of jeans and some new boots” pretty girl?? Oh he’s laying it on thick but who are you to complain when such a gorgeous creature gives you a compliment . “Sure right this way we have fitting rooms in the back to the right just give me your measurements & I’ll pull some stuff for you to try and pull out our boots for you to take a look at” he smiled as he followed behind you you gesture to a chair for him to sit he does willingly smiling watching you as your fingers run across the hanger’s grabbing items and looking at him with the smallest smile each time. Finally coming back with a handful of items “Okay here you are sir go ahead and try them out and if you need anything else I’ll be right over there getting some boots together for you” you smile up at him and he looks at you with confusion. “Uh.. umm sir??.. no please that makes me feel so old you can call me Eddie by the way I didn’t catch your name??..” you cheeks are burning red in embarrassment. “Oh my… I’m so sorry! I feel like an ass!” You huff out in frustration that you just made yourself look a fool “Jamie but my friends call me Jame” you say extending your hand to shake his. He smiles at you & you get lost in his eyes for a moment why does he have to be so damn beautiful?! “I love your name pretty name for a pretty lady” oh my he’s definitely flirting you can’t help but giggle. You scurry to the back to get him some men’s size 13 boots he steps out of the dressing room in one of the jeans you picked for him he looks at you with this softness to his eyes then smiles “wow I really like these they fit great you have a good eye” you giggle “what can I say I know my clothes & they look amazing on you turn around let me make sure they’re a good fit” he smiles and dramatically spins for you as if he’s a model on display “you checkin me out princess?” Your face feels like it’s on fire & he doesn’t fail to notice it. “So um.. I don’t wanna be to forward but do you like… have a… boyfriend or anything?..” your eyes go wide words fail to register what your mind wants to say he looks nervous “look I’m sorry I didn’t mean to..” you cut him off “NO! I mean no I don’t have a boyfriend” you look even more of a bundle of nerves now. He laughs “Okay so would it be alright if I asked you to goto a movie Saturday maybe grab a bite to eat?.. I mean if you want to that is?” You couldn’t believe it excitement ran through your veins this gorgeous man wanted to take you out and who were you to tell him no. “I’d really like that Eddie” he fist bumped the air before quickly recovering smiling at you. “Okay cool & I’ll definitely be taking those jeans and that black pair of boots on your left thanks for your help princess”

[istherewifiinhell]

Sewing bar tacks on the shitty plastic zippers on the 10 dollar wallet i had to by cause my last shitty wallet was literally disintergrating and shedding.... itself. Every time i took it out. And the zipperhead fell off. Immediately. Modern problems, historic solutions.

[h0spitalwaste]

I've Spent Years Listening To Powerviolence And Fastcore Why Would I Listen To Some Zipperhead Writing Misogynistic Pop Punk Songs When I Could Just Listen To Infest Or Crossed Out

[chungledownbeamcannon]

Meanwhile, on a Saturday at Zipperhead

[iamdangerace]

One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead I met a girl there and she almost knocked me dead …

[kitkatt0430]

Iris arrives at the remains of the old Kent farm in Kansas where, five years ago, the Kent family and the author - and conman - HR Wells disappeared when a tornado tore through the farm. She's supposed to be fact gathering for a follow up story - the Kent family isn't exactly a big deal outside of Smallville, but HR Wells had been part of a rather big scandal at STAR Labs. One that had caught the whole nation's attention. Of course, five years later it's barely going to be an interest piece, but Iris is curious to find out what really happened anyway.

No one ever found the bodies. If Iris can, then she can give the Kents' friends and family closure. She can give Randolf Morgan his friend to bury. She can close the book on what really happened when the tornado destroyed the farm.

Of course, a storm comes out of nowhere while Iris is investigating the farm and she takes shelter in the half-destroyed barn. Which does nothing to protect her. The rest of the barn is ripped away, but the room Iris is in stays intact as it glides up into the tornado and... far away.

When Iris wakes up and leaves her little shelter, she finds herself in a land unlike anything she's ever seen before. But some things stay the same. She's on a farm. Run by the Kent family. A very alive Kent family.

Martha and Jonathon Kent are very nice, but Iris quickly realizes their son Clark is still missing. Taken by the Wicked Warlock, they tell her. Just a little over a year ago, when the fighting in North OZ got too close to their little midland farm. HR Wells had gone to try and find the kid, but had lost the trail somewhere around the capital city. He was still looking, according to his latest letter anyway. But he'd gotten tied up in some political problem that he was certain was related to Clark's abduction. The Kents would've gone themselves, but between Jonathon's bad heart and Martha's difficulty walking... better they stay at the farm with the Munchkins in the nearby town looking after them.

Iris has no idea if this is a weird dream or really real - yet - but she ventures into town to learn more about this Wicked Warlock fellow and the fighting in North OZ. There she gets an earful about the Wicked Warlock of the West - in rhyme, which quickly loses novelty - and how the Evil Eobard Thawne is trying to take over the North, protected by the Good Witch Caitlin. And the equally evil Warlock of the East, Hunter Zolomon, has been threatening the southern and middle countries (fighting hasn't broken out in earnest yet), though the Good Witch of the South - Frost - has been keeping them safe for now. Though word is Frost hasn't been seen in a few weeks.

After thinking things over, Iris starts heading North along the Old Yellow Road, which leads to the capitol city. Along the way she finds a political exile - a zipperhead (yup, taking influence from the Tin Man mini-series here) - calling himself Barry. He can't remember much more than his name given that his brain was stolen by the Warlock of the West, but he's certain he was a good person and definitely not a criminal before his brain got taken away. Iris needs a guide so she gives him the benefit of the doubt.

Then Iris and Barry find an old iron maiden type device - a cryochamber, according to Barry (who briefly remembers he used to work as an inventor before forgetting again) - and release the man inside. Eddie Thawne, a Tin Man (lawman, of course, more mini-series influence) who'd attempted to arrest his own cousin, Eobard, before he ascended to being the Warlock of the West. He failed, of course, and Eobard thought it'd be funny to torment him for the rest of forever by leaving him in the cryochamber, able to watch the world but not ever be a part of it. He joins Barry and Iris and they head for what should be a shortcut through an old orchard.

Except the orchard is dead, it's former keepers are hungry, and they accidentally save a seer on the run from the West. Cisco escaped the castle and has no intention of ever going back. Or ever having visions again.

The four make for an odd group, but they head to Central City - the capital city, of course - together. The old Emerald City on the hill... where they learn an old tradition's been re-instated by the new Mayor. Everyone in the city must wear green sunglasses, tinting the whole place a lovely Emerald. A moral booster, thought up by Mayor HR Wells.

Iris manages to get an audience with the Mayor by name dropping the Kents and he explains the situation as he knows it. Eobard got his hands on some ancient magicks and kidnapped Clark because he's got super powers, being the last survivor of Krypton. Iris revisits the 'am i dreaming' question at learning now there's magic and aliens going on. Eobard was using magic to control Clark, making him Eobard's enforcer but the magic grew weak in the rain. HR thinks that getting the kid soaked would give him a chance to break free but they'd yet to successfully pull off the equivalent of dumping a cooler of water on the teen yet.

Eddie is determined to take out Eobard and Barry's now dedicated to helping Eddie (it's Iris/Barry/Eddie/Cisco for the ship, give Iris all the cute boys) and Iris decides to go with them. Cisco is terrified but he cares about the other three too much by now and agrees to guide them to Eobard Thawne's lair.

It eventually turns out that the water thing is actually Eobard's weakness and he melts. Barry observes that it's a side effect of the artifact Eobard was using to artificially expand his powers. Iris just kind of stands there holding the bucket, staring at the goo that used to be a person, and wonders if mis-aiming a bucket of water counts as a self-defense murder.

Clark goes home and Iris takes her little group back to Central where HR introduces them to Caitlin. Her ex-husband Ronnie (amicably divorced) is going to take over as the Warlock - non-evil - for the Western region since he's part of a group known as FIRESTORM. They'd been fighting Eobard's forces, unable to break through the line (or sneak through, like Iris's little group had) until Eobard's death caused a number of mind controlled servants to come back to their senses.

Big party because ding-dong the evil Warlock #1 is dead. Sure, there's Hunter Zolomon and Caitlin's worried about her sister Frost, but there's half the OZ's biggest problems fixed. Barry's brain is located and re-installed, though he'll always be a bit absent minded. And probably late.

They head back to the Kent farm to check on things there only to learn that fighting has broken out in the South after all. And by fighting, they mean Zolomon has been razing towns for the fun of it. To the East it is. The polycule's got another evil warlock to off.

And by that point? They are absolutely a polycule. Barry and Cisco are cuddlers so having lots of people to cuddle at night? They are both thrilled. And while Iris started off wanting a way home, she's decided she is home now that she's got Eddie, Barry, and Cisco.

[intercal]

One Saturday I took a walk to zipperhead,

[temporarysecretary22]

A Zipperhead's Guide To Snagging Your Tin Man

Haaaapy belated birthday, oldlunchmeat~! Enjoy some of the most cracky fic I have EVER WRITTEN, which is saying something. ONLY FOR YOU, HAPPYACID. ♥

Also, I'd like to note the inspiration for this: Love, For Drunken Mass Murderers and the sequel, Love, For Sugar High Detectives, both by Macvanaly. Spectacularly hillarious and hot Death Note fanfic. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THEM.

Title: A Zipperhead's Guide To Snagging Your Tin Man Rating: NC-17 Summary: Glitch gets stuck on a roof running from Pen People. Then Cain comes to his rescue. And somehow it ends up with Cain in a sequins red dress and Glitch kicking down doors, all with The Guide's inserted narration. ♥

A Zipperhead’s Guide To Snagging Your Tin Man (And Possibly Love And Lots Of Hot Kinky Sex, But The Love Part Is More Important! Maybe!)

--- So you’ve only got half a brain and can’t remember much! WHO CARES?! Certainly not you – you forget to do it! You forget a lot of things, actually, which is why this book has a bookmark and you have a bracelet on that reminds you that you own it! Now, remember, the first step to snagging your Tin Man is persistence! Make sure they remember you’re there, and make sure they remember you’re important! If they don’t remember, kick your Tin Man really, really hard. VIOLENCE MAY BE THE ANSWER YOU SEEK! ---

Being suddenly famous in the OZ wasn’t something that any of the gang particularly enjoyed. Walking out of a restroom in Central City only to be swarmed by people who recognize you and want your autograph on inappropriate pieces of the human anatomy wasn’t what any of them had signed up for.

But then again, Glitch couldn’t remember if he actually had signed something. He certainly wasn’t signing anything in the swarm of people around the bathroom, pushing himself firmly against the wall and looking frantically around for an exit. He’d just gone to the bathroom, for Pete’s sake, and they had found him. The only good thing about the adoration they got was that the mobs weren’t trying to kill them. Sometimes that sentiment wasn’t returned on Glitch’s part, though, especially while being assaulted via bathroom exit.

Luckily, said bathroom exit had a roof, and he had practice climbing onto things, so he grabbed a roof tile and pulled himself up onto the slanted, curved plane, thankful there was only two stories in the building and also cursing that, considering that meant someone could come out a window to get him.

They were all out to get him, with their pieces of paper and ink and pens and…and…gah. It was practically blasphemy, but sometimes Glitch wished they hadn’t taken the Witch down. Maybe in permanent darkness they wouldn’t be able to see him.

“…Glitch?! Glitch!”

A voice! A voice he knew! Glitch was practically straddling the top of the roof, waving frantically at the approaching, fedora-wearing man.

People tended to not swarm Cain. Glitch appreciated that. Or more specifically he appreciated the gun that kept the scary pen-slingers away from Cain and anyone near him.

“I’m being attacked by people who want me to sign things!” Glitch shouted back down, standing up hesitantly. “I’m pretty sure I never signed up for being attacked by signing-seeking people! I don’t think I ever signed anything!”

“Glitch, just shut up and get off the damn roof!” Cain snapped, shooing the crowd away. They didn’t start moving until he pulled out the gun and said “Shoo” in that scary I-Will-Shoot-You voice.

“But they’ll come back! I’ll just wake up one day and they’ll be there with their notepads and scribblers and questions about my underwear,” Glitch called back down as Cain holstered his pistol. “You have a gun! They don’t pester you like they do me! All I can do is climb on a roof and pray nobody assaults me when I leave the bathroom!”

“Glitch, you’re getting hysterical,” Cain sighed, hands on his hips as he frowned up at the other man.

“There’s nothing funny about this, Cain!”

“I meant you need to calm down and think – actually, you know what? Just jump,” he said, putting himself at the edge of the roof. “I’ll catch you.”

Glitch stared at him.

Cain frowned. “What?”

“You’re asking me to jump off a roof for you! And then onto you! It could kill us both!”

“Stop shouting,” Cain shouted. “And it’s only ten feet, we’ll be fine.”

“I’d be falling at the speed of gravity even without jumping. You know how fast that is?” Glitch asked, crouching on the rooftop and glaring down at Cain.

“I’m guessing it’s fast, but I’ll humor you. What is it, Glitch?”

Glitch paused, blinking. “…I have no idea.”

“Then just jump, and I’ll catch you, alright?” Cain pleaded, without really sounding like he was pleading. It was one of those ever-so-masculine things Cain could do.

“Jumping off rooftops is commonly considered suicide for a reason, Cain,” Glitch said dryly.

Cain grit his teeth. “Listen, do you trust me?”

“Of course I trust you!” Glitch said, affronted at the very thought he would do otherwise.

“Then jump.”

Glitch was quiet for a very, very long time, until he said, very calmly, “You are not very smart sometimes, Cain.”

Cain grinned up at him. “That’s what you’re for, sweetheart.”

“It’s gonna hurt,” Glitch warned, slinging himself towards Cain, calculating trajectories and velocities without even realizing he was doing so.

“Can’t hurt steel.”

“That’s because steel is a metal and doesn’t have a nervous system,” Glitch grumbled. “And you’re associated with tin and iron, not steel.”

“It’s a saying, Glitch.”

“Well it’s a dumb one,” Glitch muttered to himself, and let his body slide off the roof and straight towards Cain.

The two landed in a painful, shouting tangle on the ground, Cain staring up at the sky, eyes wide and mouth open. Glitch had a face full of Cain’s armpit, and one of his legs had bashed against the roof, only to bash against the ground. He was fairly certain it was broken, and pretty certain Cain had a concussion.

“Ow,” one of them said. Or maybe both.

“Yeah,” the other, or both, said. It was confusing and everything was sounding muffled.

But Glitch could already hear the whispers of the crowd, getting closer and closer as they approached from a nearby alley, talking quietly about how they could get Wyatt Cain’s autograph too.

Oh, gods. The pen-men wanted them both now.

Glitch got up onto his knees, trying to pull the dazed Tin Man up, and looking around frantically for somewhere to hide or, even better, get some transport out of Central City and back to the palace, where they were sure to have someone to fix them up all nice and splinted.

“Ow,” Cain said. It was definitely Cain this time, particularly since Glitch was leaning on him, using the pained and concussed man as a crutch for the time being.

“Don’t worry,” Glitch said a little fuzzily, but managed to give Cain a reassuring smile. “I’ve got a plan.”

--- Now that you’re certain your Tin Man knows you and it isn’t just from a wanted list (unless that’s another sort of ‘wanted’ list that doesn’t involve criminal activity), the next step is foolproof, which is excellent for you! Confuse your Tin Man! Switch places! Help the helper! Protect the protector! Just don’t get killed doing it, or all your hard work will be for nothing! (And remember, not dying also includes not being killed by your Tin Man! They have tempers sometimes, after all!) ---

The back alley they walked through (well, limp-hop-stumbled through, to be accurate) wasn’t actually all that dirty. There was smoke in the air, there was a small gutter in the middle, but no rats, no crates, no bums. Glitch decided he really had thought up a great plan, since even the alley was pretty good.

Cain was still a bit fuzzled in the head, so it was up to Glitch to open the door. Normally he’d let the Tin Man just kick it in, but his leg was broken, so Glitch just twisted the doorknob and let them stumble into the building nice and quietly. Well, aside from the almost constant “ow” that escaped his lips with every limp-shuffle-step they managed. He closed the door behind him, and grinned at a job well done.

“…are we in a closet?” Cain murmured his question, looking around at all the dresses and suits and boas and feathers and fake jewelry that surrounded them.

“Nope, even better. We’re in a wardrobe room,” Glitch said, pride filling his voice. “Ten times more a closet than an actual closet.” He lowered Cain down onto a fake gilded velvet chair – really just painted wood and felt, but it was still a real chair. “Don’t go to sleep.”

“Head hurts too much to sleep,” Cain muttered, only to blink as Glitch pulled out a fake torch and the wrappings off a mummy dummy nearby. Glitch then eyed the wood for a moment, made a quick ‘mm-hmm’ noise, and literally ripped the torch apart, straight down the middle. “Where’d you learn to do that?”

“No idea,” Glitch said, and quickly splinted his leg, from ankle to knee, wincing as he drew it tighter and tighter, finally tying it off. “But it’s about finding a seam or something. Props have seams or. Something.”

Cain started to say something, and then paused, blinking. He frowned. “I think I’m beginning to understand how you feel all the time.”

“No, I don’t have a concussion,” Glitch corrected, grinning and pushing himself up. “I’ve just got half a brain. It’s not fuzzy, it’s…hm. It’s lost. Yeah, that’s a good word for it.” He grabbed a convenient prop crutch and used it as a real one.

That earned him another stare from Cain.

“Ten times better than a closet, Cain,” Glitch said smugly, and looked around. “Now we have to leave.”

“Then open the door and we hobble back home,” Cain said, pulling his hat off and checking his head. “No big bumps, no bleeding.”

“Oh, good,” Glitch beamed. “I’d hate if you died. And by catching me when you demanded I throw myself off a rooftop. And what color do you look best in? I’m thinking this copper-red.”

Cain stared at the dress. “No.”

“The pen-people will find us, Cain!” Glitch said, using his spare arm to gesture emphatically at the horror of the situation. “They’ll try to steal your hat! They ask questions about keeping such a pearly complexion when out in the sun so often! They try to get you to sign things, Cain!” He glared, and yanked out two dresses – the copper-red, and a dark blue. “Now. Pick.”

“For me or you?” Cain asked. Glitch’s look clearly conveyed his sentiment of ‘YOU, dumbass’, so he sighed. “Fine. The red thing.”

“Oh, good! Much more flattering, although the blue would certainly bring out your eyes-” Glitch began, only to pause and gasp excitedly, grabbing something bundled up on the floor. “Perfect! You change and I’ll change over here and…oh, hey, can you hand me that cane?”

Cain looked behind him, and without even really looking at the thing, tossed it to Glitch, who beamed at him. “See you in a second! Oh, and I found a bag for our stuff!”

“Good. I like this coat.”

They were changing now, the rustle of clothing an almost pleasant background to their conversation.

“I like your coat too! And the hat. Well, the whole outfit. Very…Cain.”

“Thanks, I guess. You look very Glitch, too.”

“Lot of time spent in these clothes, Cain. They’re going in the bag. It’s a great bag, just wait until you see it.”

“I’m worried about you seeing me in this thing, honestly. Got any stuffing or…whatever back there?”

“Hmmmm…aha!”

Two gooey-looking pieces of…something flew towards Cain. He caught them, and grimaced, and stuffed them in the top.

“I’m dressed, I guess.”

“Then accessorize!”

Cain frowned. “With what?”

“Accessories.” There was a thump from Glitch’s area, followed by an “OW I’m okay wow that hurt.”

“I’m new to this whole dress thing, Glitch. What accessories?”

“Red things! Copper things! Shiny things! Feathers! Anything and everything to distract from your face.”

“Should I even ask what you’re doing back there, if this is what I’m doing?” Cain paused, and then grabbed a styled blonde wig and tugged it onto his head, finding a mirror and stuffing some dull red feathers on one side of it and copper-colored clasps on the other. He found some sort of drapey red hair thing, and took the wig off long enough to attach it, then tugging it back on. “…I really don’t look like a girl, Glitch.”

“You’re not supposed to.” A top hat was grabbed off of a shelf, and something jingled, and there were some scraping noises, finally followed by the thump of a cane. “You dressed?”

“Yes. You sound way too excited about this.”

“No, I’m excited about this bag! It’s almost like it’s bigger on the inside!”

A grinning Glitch stepped out, wearing a big top hat with something feathery wrapped around the top, shiny sunglasses, and a loose black-with-purple-pinstripes suit. He had a collared white shirt undone under the suit, and was wearing pants flared enough to not get in the way of his splint. “See? The creepy people with papers and pens and stuff wouldn’t even try to look at us!”

Cain gaped. “You’re a pimp, and I’m a drag queen.”

Glitch grinned. “Isn’t it brilliant?!” He had a hand firmly planted on the cane – which had a fake diamond skull on it. “And now we just get back into the palace. You know every guard knows us by our voices even, so then we get in, get changed, and we can just…what’s that look for.”

“I’m a drag queen, and you’re a pimp.”

“Did you want to switch?” Glitch blinked.

“I want to shoot you.”

Glitch glared, leaning on his pimp cane. “I saved our lives, Cain. And I’m doing it again with this…clever camouflage of the night! Or something! And now you’re just being mean.”

Cain sighed, rubbing at his forehead. “You have a point. I’m sorry I threatened to shoot you, but…Glitch, Jeb is in the palace.”

“Oh, don’t worry, we’ll change as soon as we get the palace doors closed behind us. And I would never tell Jeb!” He paused. “Besides, you can always chalk it up to a head injury.”

And really, Glitch did have a point there.

“Alright, so the plan is to-”

“Walk home in disguise.”

Cain blinked at him, startled by the lightning-speed answer.

Glitch shrugged guiltily. “Figured the simpler it is, better chance of success.”

“…well alright,” Cain said, and picked up the train of his dress after stuffing his clothing inside the blue bag Glitch seemed so excited about.

“And we’re off!” Glitch grinned, and swung the door open.

--- Never underestimate the power of a compromising situation! And don’t let it slip by, either! Use every last synapse in that zipperhead of yours to strike when your Tin Man is weakest! Trip them! Pretend to faint! Comfort them when they’re in pain! By whatever means necessary, snag and snog your Tin Man. In a chase like this, failure is not an option. ---

Walking really, really hurt. The pimp cane helped, but they’d been walking through alleys for…how long now? Over an hour. Their pace was slow, their pace was in pain, and Cain was having trouble with the heels.

The night was getting deeper, the city was getting darker, and everyone but Glitch and Cain were more inebriated by the second.

“Are we there yet?” Glitch hissed at a particularly bad footfall.

“I’m guessing twenty minutes more,” Cain said, nearly falling over again, making Glitch grab for the translucent red sleeve of his dress. “How do women walk in these?”

“Different bodily center of gravity, not to mention better posture than you and practice,” Glitch rattled off, trying so very hard to ignore the growing number of swaggering men and women who were walking by. Every second was more dangerous. Sure, this had been a brilliant idea, but he’d thought they’d already be at the palace after the suns set, not still wobbling their way back home as a six-foot-four cross dresser and the only known pimp that actually used his cane to do something it was originally intended for.

…he did kind of like the suit, though. It felt nice, all silky and shiny in the city lights.

He also thought Cain’s dress actually was pretty flattering, but wasn’t about to tell Cain that. It was also very cute to see him with a long, frilly blond up-do with all the trimmings. Cain had always been attractive, but for some very strange reason, Cain not being very Cain-like at all made him realize that even more.

“Need to sit?” Cain asked, looking around the alleyway and finding a nice trash can to sit Glitch down on.

“Oh, no, I’m just staring,” Glitch apologized, earning a frown from Cain. “It’s just that you’re Cain, but don’t look Cain-like at all.”

“You don’t look very much like yourself either, Glitch,” he said, nodding specifically towards the glittering sunglasses.

“Yeeeooowwwww, baaayybeeee,” someone called out very, very slurred from behind them, and the two shared a frantic look before hobbling and wobbling down the alleyway as fast as possible. Clearly it wasn’t fast enough, considering a drunken teenager came running just as sloppily as them and stopping in front of them. The kid was thoroughly sloshed, wobbling like they were.

Glitch realized that he and Cain probably looked very, very drunk, and that something like that could be very, very bad.

“How much fer a smooch?”

Glitch stared at the grinning, drunken man. “From who?”

“Don’ get snappy with me, whippysnagger!” the teen said, pointing an accusing finger at Glitch, in all his pimp glory. “M’ mom’s on th’ counsel. One shout an’ I can get all th’ Tin Men in th’ area down here.”

He didn’t even need to look to see Cain go white as death. He could hear it just in the clack of his heels.

“Ten!” First number that popped into his head.

Cain gaped at him. “Ten?”

“Ten fer a smooch? PAH! Tha’s gotta be some s’rious action I’m seein’ then,” the teen with dangerously high and even more dangerously believable connections said.

“Seeing?” Glitch frowned.

“…Glitch, this is Central City. Voyeur pimps are more common than-”

“TWELVE!” Glitch shouted out.

“Glitch!”

“I’m trying to outbid him,” Glitch whispered back frantically. “Nobody would pay twelve for a voyeur pimp!”

“Then I wan’ under the skirt, at least,” the teen glared, and to their shock dropped twelve platinums into Glitch’s palm.

“YOU want under the skirt?!” Glitch gaped, only to get a surprisingly effective scathing look from the teen.

“At leas’ a hand. YOUR hand, fellers,” the teen said.

Cain sighed. “Well at least he knows we’re both men.”

“Tin Men or smoochin’!” the teen roared, startling Glitch into action, scraping Cain up against the wall with a kiss that was more like Glitch falling on top of Cain’s lips really really hard. Which, really, was what happened, but still. It was a kiss.

“…Glitch, I will never be able to show my face if-”

“I get it, Cain,” Glitch hissed, gritting his teeth. “We’re stuck.”

Cain blinked, and noticed the glaringly absent and vitally important pimp cane. “Oh no-”

Glitch kissed him again, this time an actual kiss, and not a fall-on-top-of-your-closed-lips type. He dug into Cain’s mouth, wincing at the searing, jarring pain in his leg. It lessened a little bit as Cain quickly wrapped his arms around Glitch (albeit loosely, since his suit was so slippery), taking some of the weight as he kissed back very slowly.

Oh no, Glitch thought dismally, remembering that Cain had just been smashed into a wall after he’d already been smashed into the ground earlier. The wig had to have padded the slam, but Cain had to be seriously hurt. Determined to not let that happen again, Glitch decided to screw his broken leg – he could get DG or Az or someone to magic it back up, hopefully – and pivoted hard, putting himself against the alley wall, squishing the poor hat. Cain gasped at the move, and Glitch yanked the suit jacket off so that Cain could hold him up easier.

“Kiss me,” Glitch hissed, and Cain complied, their lips moving hard and hot against each other, one of Cain’s hands sliding up to the back of Glitch’s head, tangling in his hair and making Glitch whimper, instinctively arching, grinding against Cain. He could feel the sequins through his shirt, smooth and sharp and sliding right over them both. Cain yanked off the sunglasses and flung them to the side, snapping them in half and biting Glitch’s ear.

And that was not pleasant. He hissed, digging his dull fingernails hard into…Glitch blinked. Apparently Cain’s dress had a very low back, and wow, his skin was…

Glitch practically purred, kissing a wide-eyed Cain long and indulgently, dark eyes smirking as he ran his hands up to Cain’s shoulders, and then he dragged his fingernails right back down, barely touching, and ended up slammed into the wall, practically wrapped around Cain (surprisingly good for his broken leg!), who seemed determined to kill Glitch with his tongue. Which seemed quite a pleasant death, really, Glitch thought to himself as he instinctively pulled the wig off, tossing the loose thing aside and feeling that short, real blond hair on Cain’s head.

He was trying to remember something about skirts, but Cain was just…intoxicating. He was getting as drunk off this as the kid-

The kid!

Glitch moved down, biting Cain’s shoulder, only to whimper when Cain started on giving him a very, very thorough hickey that felt so damn good – no! Skirt! Lift the skirt! End of contract!

But gods, the things Cain could do with his tongue…

Glitch gave up his morality, deciding he could chalk it up to a glitch, and pressed himself flush against Cain, and that startled the blond enough that he looked up at Glitch, who grinned viciously and kissed him painfully sweetly, nice and slow and probably driving them both crazy at being so warm, so close to each other, the massive amount of feeling that Glitch hadn’t felt in so long. Hands around his waist, a leg between his own, Glitch thanking all that was holy that the dress had a slit, sliding his hand across the fabric and down, through the slit and around Cain’s thigh-

“Niiiice,” the teen said, and it took them a moment to wake up, to remember to breathe without each other, to think that oh hey, they didn’t have to be kissing and it was all to get rid of a troublesome drunk kid. “Best I’s seen in a looooong time.”

“Th-thanks,” Glitch said, his body literally shaking, Cain’s head resting on his shoulder.

“I’mma go home now. ‘S a beau’ful night, have a nice’n,” the teen said amicably, and actually waved goodbye, running off.

“…shit,” Cain said, very clearly, into Glitch’s shirt.

“Um.” Glitch said, for some reason feeling like punching a wall or screaming or crying or something, but instead staring straight at the opposite wall. Now is not the time to ask if he would be interested in a romantic relationship, that logical part of that empty part of his head said. You are both in pain, tired, and were pressed into a physical relationship. Even if you ask and he says yes, your relationship will be shallow and fail very quickly.

So, instead, Glitch said “My leg really hurts” and Cain practically leapt aside, scrounging around the considerable amount of clothing and accessories now strewn about the alleyway and finding the cane. Glitch grabbed the suit’s jacket and put it on slowly.

Cain looked more like Cain now, even though he was still wearing a red (backless oh gods) dress. But he handed Glitch the cane and immediately pulled the heels off and grabbing the bag. The hat came out, along with the boots, and his coat.

And, most notably, the gun. It looked strangely elegant, crossed over the dress and tied securely.

“We can move faster if I’m not wearing heels,” Cain muttered.

Glitch jut nodded, still staring and hating himself for it.

“…Are you feeling okay? Your leg, I mean?” Cain asked, blushing slightly.

“Hurts, but I’ll be fine,” Glitch managed to say reasonably normal.

“Good,” Cain said.

“Good,” Glitch nodded.

And they headed back out, making it to the palace in eighteen minutes.

--- When you’ve snagged your Tin Man, the hardest part is keeping him! Remind him it’s not just a one-time fling! Tell him it’s not just a one night stand! If you have to, tell him you’re pregnant! The best way to keep his attention is lots of hot, kinky, dirty, heavy sex, and the addiction which comes with that! But most importantly remember that the addiction is there for one reason – to keep him hooked to you, and hopefully, to fall in love with you. ---

The palace guards stared, but let them through. Cain immediately retreated with the bag while one of the palace’s healers looked over his broken leg. Apparently he had splinted it better than anyone untrained could ever have done, so he guessed he’d been trained at some point. Within five minutes they had his pants off and an official cast was put onto his leg.

Cain had brought the bag back unnoticed during the procedure, which made Glitch want to slam his head into the wall because he needed to talk to him, and hopefully do more than just talk after said talk, but he could tell when The Avoidance Game was about to begin.

So, Glitch decided to ignore that intelligent bit of the nothing in his head, and, still in the white nightgown and crutches, dashing down the hallway, he managed to dodge the furious, terrified healer and reached unheard-of-on-crutches speeds. He raced up the ramps in the palace, heading straight for Cain’s bedroom.

He didn’t turn the doorknob or knock this time. With a grimace of determination, he slung his feet straight into the door, sending both it and him crashing to the ground of Cain’s quarters.

A very surprised Tin Man stared at him from where he was hanging up a ridiculous sequined, backless red dress in the corner of his closet.

“You…I…YOU,” Glitch panted, shaking his head to get rid of the blur the world had turned into. “YOU. I…I wasn’t finished with you!”

Cain helped him to his feet, and then when Glitch screamed at the pain in his leg, helped him onto the only horizontal surface in the room aside from the floor – the bed. He stuck the crutches next to the bed, and stood at the baseboard, just…staring at Glitch.

“You just kicked down two-and-a-half inches of oak.”

“I need to talk to you!” Glitch snapped, pointing at him. “The alley, the…the kissing or whatever you want to call it, I wasn’t done and I really really like you and have for a while but never thought to think of it and YOU, Mister Tin Man, you just just just STOPPED and…I. I don’t know, I just was happy and felt like everything was-”

Cain kissed him.

Honestly, they’d had MUCH better kisses, but it’d do for now.

“Not done with me?” Cain smirked over him. “Well, that’s pretty good for us both.”

“Then why’d you stop?!”

“YOU stopped, that’s why!”

“I didn’t stop! I was more than happy to keep going!”

“You said your leg was-”

“Oh come on, Cain, you know that was just an excuse-”

Cain kissed him again. It was a lot better this time, and Glitch was pretty happy that it wasn’t a Cain in a not-Cain way, but Cain, completely, utterly Cain.

“Feel like having your wicked way with me?” Cain grinned.

“Oh do I ever.” Glitch smiled back, and completely ignored his leg for the rest of the night.

--- :D