#zhak rambles

[zhakyria]

Today’s happy thoughts.

Remembering that time on Manaan during Shadow of Reven where Kahl is discussing what happens next with Lana and Theron and he flirts with Theron. Theron gets so flustered and walks away.

I can’t help but grin at what Theron must be thinking. Like why is this Imperial Agent flirting with me? What’s his end goal? He is the enemy, and this alliance is only temporary. He is kinda cute though.... What am I thinking?! He’s just trying to get under my skin. Throw me off balance.

At this point I’d like to think that Kahl’s shell is cracking under his past and maybe he’s thrown some caution to the wind. He meets this very competent Republic spy, one who’s willing to set aside the war for the greater good, and he takes a chance.

Just makes so happy. These two are just my fav.

[zhakyria]

Yeah. You know how I restarted the Cimarron AU? So....I had another idea and now I'm on my third attempt at writing it. Think I am gonna wait to post anything until I actually have a chapter finished. Cause my brain can't seen to make up its mind. >.>

[zhakyria]

Lets talk about Tezsla Zharkova. One of my oldest characters, both in terms of her original creation and in terms of her age. Artwork by the ever amazing @catbatart.

Tezsla served in the Imperial Military, married a moff and had twins with him. Three years before the Treaty of Coruscant she had grown annoyed and tired of the Imperial policies. She's been overlooked for promotions, given backwater assignments, and grew disgusted with Sith interference.

So she leaves. Walks away, taking her 10 year old son with her, but leaves his twin sister behind because she was away with her father at the time.

At first she tries her luck with the Republic. The Jedi there recognize her son is force sensitive and take him in for training, she figures this is better then the Sith. A few years later Tezsla has given up on the Republic as well considering the amount of corruption she encounters.

She turns to gun running, not caring who she works for at this point. Her children are gone, one to the Imperial academy and the other to the Jedi.

She runs afoul of the Exchange 5 years after the Treaty, and is rescued by Xhai'tan. He offers her a proposal, join him or return to the life she is living - a fugitive of both powers and an enemy of the Exchange. Owing this Sith her life, she reluctantly agrees to join his crew.

She becomes his second in command, and starts proving her loyalty, her respect for this sith growing with each mission. When Xhai'tan is named traitor, she returns to smuggling, but kept her ear to the ground for information. She is who find his location and contacts Kahl about breaking Xhai'tan out.

She stays with him and remains his second in command when he forms his group of mercenaries. She still has a terrible relationship with her children, whom both wish she's stayed gone.

[zhakyria]

Just needing to get a few personal things off my chest and into the void. Since apparently they are weighing more heavily on my mind then I ever expected.

Last couple days have been rough. Spent nearly all day yesterday on the verge of panic for no apparent reason. It's still not fully gone. That sensation of a hand griping my heart, and ache that threatens to tear myself apart.

My guess a lot of stems from loneliness. I've always felt somewhat alone, even when surrounded by friends and family. There are very that I have really ever felt like I have connected with.

I don't do well with long periods of solitude and yet I have no desire to seek out the companionship or company of strangers. I know I should, find some group activity to enjoy. I often hide who I am or want to be in those situations and it's now become more of struggle to do so.

Though I have an older brother, I don't remember a lot from before he left for college. So, at times it felt like I was an only child, and we both agree that though we had the same father - he wasn't the same at the same time. He'd mellowed a lot as he got older and that is the Dad I knew. Watching old westerns, or bbc comedies on the tele. Working together in the shop. Being yelled at when I messed up or forgot to do the chores I was asked to do hours previous. Dad wasn't perfect, but he did care for us and he was one of the few people that would hug me. Mom doesn't like to hug, she will if prompted or asked but she doesn't care for it. Dad's hug was the hug that chased the fears away, made me feel protected, and secure, and happy.

I have longed for that hug every god damn day since his passing. I found it briefly among the few boyfriends I've had, but those relationships are in the past and I'm still so very alone. So very lost.

I thought about high school this morning, about the few guys I had interest in back then. I was told not to date, it wasn't worth it and well, I hated to disappoint my parents. And I was still under the illusion of traditional gender roles and never asked anyone out. There were a few though. Two came to mind. The 1st was a recent transfer student, a boy with reddish hair and who felt comfortable to be around, though I never really became close friends with him. Back then I ghosted between groups and cliques. Only really feeling in my element playing cards at lunch when those of us who couldn't or didn't leave hung out regardless of clique. Anyways, last I heard he joined the military - marines I think.

The other boy was the son of one of the science teachers. He was smart, wore big glasses and had an even bigger smile. He was kind. And yet....and yet. I can't remember his name.....I can't remember....

[zhakyria]

So the last couple days have been really bad chronic pain days. I done screwed up and am paying the price. Anyone want to send me asks about my characters or the Arclight AU? I need distractions.

[zhakyria]

More 'it's a weird kind of day' ramblings.

Sometimes I annoy myself. Show me a little kindness, and interest in my hobbies, stories, etc, and I can quickly find myself falling down the rabbit hole that is caring too deeply for someone I might not know very well.

It's burned me more then once in the past. Yet here I am. Again. Most days I can ignore the feelings. Just shove them away and tell them no, but some days....like today, they are definitely in the forefront and very hard to ignore.

[zhakyria]

Some thoughts I’ve been having. Don’t mind me.

Me in middle school: Wish I was a boy.

Me in high school wearing baggy clothes to hide my body: I’m just a tomboy. Totally just a tomboy.

Me in college: I’m just gonna have to accept being a woman. Not like I can do anything about it.

Me in collage the second time: Who cares what other people think. I’m who I am and apparently non-binary is a thing.

Me now: Well fuck me….maybe middle school me was onto something.

[zhakyria]

Just need to speak into the void. Don't mind me, and feel free to just scroll pass.

This was a bad week for me. I have an alright life. I had a decent childhood, I make enough money to pay the bills, I have a nice apartment, two lovely cats, and no obligations outside of work.

Loneliness is a bitch though. I don't have a lot of friends and I struggle to make new ones. I've become ok with being alone....but me being ok with it, doesn't lessen my fear of growing old alone. Hell it's hard to put that into words. It's not something I talk about it cause it never feels important in the grand scheme of things.

But it is there, gnawing at the back of my mind with each passing year. That fucking loneliness. Which usually compounds into depression, which then proceeds to mess up the rest of my life.

I always pull out of it and go back to my "normal" routine. This was a bad week though cause it coupled with my body dysphoria. Another thing I've grown ok with and try not to think about.

I grew up in a small town where queer people were just not out or very common. I didn't have the words for what I felt. When I came across nonbinary, that clicked better then woman. I've always been a tomboy but that never felt perfect. I've always wanted to be more masculine, but grew up not knowing trans was a thing, or that you could get top surgery. Now I know those things, I have the words to express what I want and at 34 years old, I don't know what to do. I don't want to be just ok anymore. I am tired of this constant internal struggle just to get through the day.

I cope with fantasy. I lose myself in games, d&d, fandoms, and books. I've done it since I was a child. Losing myself in a world of fantasy. Sometimes it even got me into trouble, always daydreaming, playing games on the computer too much, etc.

Then a few weeks ago swtor waltzes back into my life and things may have started to unravel a little. I'm usually pretty good keeping fantasy and reality apart, even if I daydream a lot. But playing through the agent storyline and romancing Theron with my boy Kahl made me realize what I was missing and what I wanted. It hurt more then I wanted to admit.

I'm not a trans man. I don't care for he/him pronouns, I prefer they/them but still use she/her for ease of dealing with everyone else in my life. I love my online handle. Being called Zhak is great. I don't hate my birth name but it's just never been me. I want top surgery. I hate these balloons attached to my chest, (I bought my first binder and am both excited and scared to try it out when it arrives). I don't want bottom surgery. I'd like a lower voice, but I also speak in a higher register when talking to people on discord or over the phone, which is a hard habit to break. I want to look more masculine, which I could do with makeup, but I don't know where to start even learning how to do makeup. I want to be healthier, exercise more, and even lose some weight, but I struggle with motivation and without someone pushing me I just fall back into my routine that doesn't include exercise.

All of this to say, I'm so tired of living and being alone, and just being ok with my life. That's the end of this rant. Just had to put a voice to what I'd been feeling. Can or will I do anything about this? ....hell if I know. I'm a hermit and a lurker by nature so it'd probably take a miracle for any of my dreams to come true.

[zhakyria]

What if....