#zero confidence. zero self esteem. no one to talk to but the voices in my head. camera roll full of mental illness memes.

[m-a-d-e-l-e-i-n-e]

As bad as life may get in the future can I just say thank GOD I’m not this person anymore… 😭

[harry-styles-obsessed]

Story does include smut. Minors do not interact with this post, thank you.

Trigger warnings: description of near assault/ bullying, age gap, dominant, dark Harry (kinda?), praise, dad! Harry, younger reader (early 20s), body image issues, self esteem issues… reader is just incredibly insecure… everything that goes hand in hand with that basically— and lots of smutty stuff! This will be kind of slow burn!! Long story so get comfortable! Also please read with discretion lovelies. You all matter.

This story was requested but the requester asked to remain anonymous so I will not be mentioning anything about their request but please to anyone out there struggling with any type of body imagine problems please PLEASE know you’re absolutely beautiful and I hope one day you will see that.

©️ please do not copy or translate my work.

Harry x plus size Inexperienced fem! Reader (Harry is not famous in this story)

Make you mine

"You cannot be serious Anna"

Your voice was annoyed and frustrated "oh I'm deadly serious”

You throw a glare directly at Anna who's grinning at you mischievously "you’re unbelievable. I’ve got work to focus on anyways so… no.” You murmur a flush of red appearing upon your already reddened cheeks. You didn’t do parties. You didn’t like parties. Full stop. Parties were where bad things happen and you were not planning on getting involved with that type of shit.

"Don't change the subject! Y/n please... PLEASE. You know it'll be fun!! Plus Jamie is fine as hell... his tattoos and shit like-" you felt annoyance spread throughout you your hand coming up to pinch the bridge of your nose "alright alright! Fine.. whatever. I'll come with you to your friends stupid party." You mutter rolling you eyes watching out of your peripheral as Anna does a little happy dance, before tightly wrapping her arms around your neck

"Thank god! Now we've got to choose your outfit. That red dress looks real good on you." She spoke suddenly sporadically searching through your wardrobe making you roll your eyes. She cannot be serious. Going to a party is one thing but dressing up with zero body confidence is another thing.

“Anna.” You spoke in a warning tone, fear and worry spreading across your features “I am not skinny. Im not even pretty. I don’t have your body confidence!” You didn’t feel beautiful whatsoever. You felt like an absolute failure and mess most of the time. You just felt ugly. Sure Anna would beg to differ but she was your best friend, of course she would boost you up. You hated the way you looked it made you feel sick... you hated your body. You hated yourself. You hated everything to do with yourself. “Y/n! Enough. You’re beautiful. Keep talking shit and I might just have to get a handsome guy to show you how perfect you really a-“ “NO. Anna. Oh my god gross— no.”

You say exasperated as you plop down onto the bed, laying down- your arms dangling just above your head as you breathe quietly hearing hangers clattering together as your best friend continued viciously searching through your wardrobe.

Jamie Goodman was.... Something else. He was annoying. The class clown basically. He used to be in your tutor group in school and he just had to fucking follow your path to college classes and annoy you further. Anna thought the world of him and you were almost 100% certain that they had slept together once or twice.

"Found it!!" Anna cheered spinning around with the red dress held in her hands grinning widely "c'mon put it on! I want to get there early!" She spoke and you squeezed your eyes shut, exhaling. You loved Anna. She was your best friend, you adored her, but god could she get so fucking annoying sometimes. She made you want to rip your hair out but... she wouldn't be your best friend if she didn't do that occasionally.

"I cannot believe you made me agree with you" you mutter before standing up yanking the dress from her hands, stripping off your clothes as she too began getting changed into an outfit far too revealing- a tank top that was more like a bra top. And short shorts, her entire stomach and rib cage exposed along with her long legs. Gods to have her confidence and carelessness…

"Might want to pack condoms." You speak to her, hearing the shifting of material pause as she glances at you brows raising before a slight laugh leaves her lips "I'm on the pill, babes. Chill." She smiled assuringly and you sigh shaking your head. You and her were complete opposites- her full of confidence however you were a mess. No confidence. No body confidence... no dates... no boys... you’ve never had a first kiss or even had a man touch you before... you’ve never been intimate with anyone before— ever. And quite honestly you were afraid to even experience it.

—

“Come on!!”

Anna shouted from downstairs and you stood up after contemplating your life decisions— spraying your perfume all over yourself leaving your face bare from any makeup. You didn’t want any advances being made upon you just because you looked a bit different with makeup on... although you highly doubted that would ever happen. No man wanted to touch you. If for a dare they would but not for any other reason. Or so you thought.

You jog downstairs to where Anna is keys in hand before she smiles grabbing onto your hand and dragging you out of the home intertwining her fingers with yours "it'll be fun girl. Loosen up."

The drive there was fairly fast and you had almost twenty minutes to spare. "We're here too early." You spoke but Anna only shook her head grabbing a present from the back and you raised your brows "it's Jamie's birthday. That's why we were both invited...." your lips parted eyes widening Anna laughing, “you shouldn’t told—“

"Shh y/n. Don't worry. Here." She then shoved a smaller wrapped present into your hands winking at you as relief wrapped around your body. Thank fuck.

You then got out of the car with her, walking with her towards the front door, the door being opened by the familiar dirty blonde who quickly pulled Anna into his embrace hugging her for a little too long to be “just friends” before his eyes turned to you and he smiled. genuinely.

"Didn't think you'd come, y/n. But glad to see you here." He spoke and without even hesitating he pulled you in for a hug your eyes widening at the sudden hug shared between the two of you. You hugged him tenderly, awkwardly almost— not entirely knowing how to act.

"Anna persuaded me. But c'mon.. how could I not come see the birthday boy." You smile awkwardly after pulling back, soon holding the present out for him to take his baby blues smiling as he smiled taking the present from you "well nonetheless- glad you could make it. And thank you… I appreciate it.” You only nod not saying anything else, a slight nervous smile remaining on your lips— Anna purposely elbowing you in the ribs to attempt to loosen you up more her eyes saying it all.

Jamie was way different without all his friends around... he was kind. Real. Genuine. How strange... "c'mon let's go into the living room. We can watch a movie before the others arrive. Would you girls like a drink?"

—

A while passed before eventually more people were filing in, you remained sat on the sofa drink of Pepsi in your hand as you took occasional nervous sips. Anna had been whisked away by Jamie and you were certain they were creating the slight banging noises coming from upstairs... and well... that said something didn't it?

You grimaced just at the thought before shaking your head clearing your throat before you decided to stand up, the living room becoming a major crowded area and so you feeling your anxiousness grow quickly left the area, walking around for a bit before finally stopping stood just in the doorway to the kitchen your fingers grasping onto your Pepsi tighter as you took more sips from it. You exhaled softly leaning into the doorway slightly your brows creasing as you stared at a mixture of young adults and what looked to be literal 16 year olds dancing together... what the fuck? That's not creepy at all… however that became the least of your worries as you suddenly felt a rather warm presence behind you, your stomach fluttering anxiously,

"Excuse me"

You quickly turn around expecting a teenager only to come face to face with dad-like material. Old enough to be a dad... he wasn't a teenager. Your mouth was working faster than your brain as you only managed to stammer over a word before finally backing up "I'm so sorry..."

You smile nervously allowing your eyes to scavenge the man— he had piercing green eyes. Beautiful chestnut brown hair that had slight curls to it on the top and a beautiful smile that showed two pretty dimples. Tattoos were layered up and down his skin, a butterfly one seeming to be on his chest from what you could see. He wore a loose fitting shirt that was unbuttoned at the top revealing some of his toned chest. He was... god like.

"No need to apologise, love." He assured with a smile as he went to walk past you, shoulders brushing momentarily before he stopped glancing over his shoulder looking back at you “you look a bit young to be here..."

He spoke some sort of amusement in his eyes not revealing whether he was toying with you or being genuine. Shyness wrapped around you momentarily before you soon answered in an attempt to stick up for yourself— "I'm twenty two, sir." You speak politely the man fully turning so his body was facing you "you look a bit old to be here." You soon retort as he doesn't respond, instead only raising a brow as if pushing the idea of you telling little white lies to him. "Call me Harry."

"You look a bit old to be here, Harry." You rephrase

His eyes glinted with amusement before he cleared his throat "got off work... decided to come have some fun."

You narrow your eyes at him as if showing you didn’t believe him but really you were poking fun at him… exactly what he was doing with you. “What do you do for work?" You ask noticing the palpable tension that was between you and him. It only seemed to be growing more intense as the seconds went by.

"Surgeon"

He spoke simply and you raised your brows "like plastic surgery? Butt lifts and-"

"No." His words were light and airy as he laughed shaking his head "reconstruction surgery."

"Reconstruction?”

“There seems to be an echo in here.” his tone was playful but still nonetheless he nods to confirm your question but he still saw the curiosity on your face "say someone gets into an accident or— a kid falls off their bike let's say he wasn't wearing any protective gear apart from a helmet. No sleeves. No knee pads... no nothing... if he hits the road and skids down it, his skin is either going to be red and sore or his skin is going to be torn off. There's no exact way we can put that dirty infected and broken skin back onto him so we have to reconstruct the skin somehow..."

Your brows raise in interest "so like take it from somewhere less obvious? The leg.. or something?" You speak and he nods taking a sip of the beverage in his ring covered hand,

"Yeah. I mean my job is to simply make the skin look top condition... in the end it doesn't matter where the skin comes from. If it can stretch far enough to cover the wound then you know... it's good enough."

You hum in response clearly rather interested before you smile "that's interesting..." you study him carefully trying to figure him out. You weren’t sure what was wrong with you but Harry seemed to beckon a different side out of you…

"I didn't think a surgeons "thing" was parties..." you soon murmur

"There's a lot of things you don't think, love. If I remind you quickly we've only just met..." his emerald eyes twinkled with amusement brows raised as he smirked.

Your cheeks immediately flush red and you stare at him slightly dumbfounded a nervous smile forming on your face "sorry" you giggle out Harry only shaking his head as he smiled "I'm just kidding. But you're right... parties aren't places surgeons often involve themselves with.. me particularly" he admitted and just as you were about to say something, a different voice cut mine off— “Hey dad can we order pizza?" Your eyes immediately move to the voice. Jamie. His hair slightly dishevelled some red marks left on his neck. Wonderful. But that barely mattered anymore as you looked at who he was talking to… harry. Your heart immediately stops in your chest. Jamie's dad was Harry. The man you were flirting with. That wasn’t flirting though was it? Your stomach flutters nervously. This absolutely was not happening no way…. Your cheeks were a crimson red colour, your eyes slightly wide and your lips slightly parted and god were you glad Harry’s attention wasn’t on you anymore.

"Jamie there's pizza in the fridge. As your mother said, we cannot afford takeaway right now. Remember?" His voice snapped me back out of your thoughts as you focused back on the handsome man, eyes flicking to look at Jamie.

"But dad there's like 80 people here!" He exclaimed Harry's face remaining calm and unfazed "who invited them?" He spoke Jamie's brows arching "you cannot be serious! Oh my god!" The boy yelled before storming off not saying anything else. Childish much? At this old age? Talking to his father like that? Wow the disrespect.

You look back at Harry only when he speaks— "sorry for his behaviour." He spoke as you remained shocked "it's okay... but... I didn't realise you were his dad..." you admit and he smiles slightly "he took his mothers last name. His mother and I are divorced, you see… he doesn’t exactly like that his mother has gone out for a pamper evening and has left me to look after him.” He explained— so Jamie really did have daddy issues? Huh. Your lips part slightly as you realise what he was saying "oh... that makes sense... i- uhm... wow."

Harry nods "Jamie still holds a grudge against me. It's diff-" harry cuts himself off realising what he was saying to his sons friend before he sighed pinching the bridge of his nose "I apologise... uh..." your eyes snap back up to his eyes from roaming across each of his tattoos “Y/n…” you speak with a small smile "I'm sorry y/n... you've come here to party and-" the way your name rolled off of his tongue so perfectly drove you insane and you weren’t sure why. "No sir..." "Harry." He cuts you off making your cheeks flush red "sorry, no Harry. I came here not on my own accord..." you let out a nervous laugh. "My friend begged me to come. I didn't really want to be here anyway so... it's okay. You're far more interesting than this party anyways." You speak soon realising how weird that sounded your eyes widening, Harry quickly catching on as he let out a small chuckle that sounded like honey to your ears— waving one hand at you to signal you not to worry. Dismissing your concerns. "Don't worry. I know what you mean."

You smile feeling the conversation become dry and although you didn't want to leave you knew you should best go find Anna. "I'll see you around, Harry." You speak with a small smile and he nods his head at you "yes you will. I'll see you around, y/n." He tilted his head at you and you smiled before quickly leaving to go and find Anna. As you made your way through all the dancing bodies your eyes finally locked on Anna who seemed to be totally black out drunk. Already. Great! Another time where you had to look after her for her stupid decisions. Her eyes immediately found yours and she practically jumped up and stumbled towards you, lips smushing against your cheek leaving a nice red lipstick mark “Anna you’re so drunk… you really don’t know when you stop.” You murmur to her, watching Jamie drunk too but sensible enough to remain vigilant assuring you that he could deal with her. You were unsure but eventually accepted it walking back to the kitchen and grabbing another drink, sticking to yourself yet throughout the entire night you felt eyes on you… which was an extremely rare occurrence. But this night— someone couldn’t keep their eyes off of you. He couldn’t.

The night continued on, you didn’t touch a drop of alcohol but eventually nearly everyone was filing out and just as you were about to go and find Anna again a cold hand grabbed a hold of your wrist yanking you harshly back into the kitchen where you were roughly slammed against the kitchen counter a pair of dark brown eyes meeting yours— your breath hitched your eyes wide, drink that was once in your hand now on the floor the liquid spilling out of it,

“You’re so pretty…”

The boys wandering hands began groping at your body “p-please get off of me.”

“P-p-p-p… scaredy cat. Never been touched by someone before hmm?”

Hi words were vile and cruel making your stomach churn. “I—“ you tried to gather your thoughts “I don’t even know you! Get off of me!” “Well my names Evan and your name is Y/n. Correct? You know me just fine babe..” a low chuckle left his lips your eyes widening further as you felt his hand suddenly trailing further down your body,

“Somebody hel—“

“Shut up!” His hand clamped over your mouth as he glared into your eyes “don’t you want to not be a virgin anymore? Isn’t that embarrassing? But it makes sense doesn’t it. Have you taken a look at yourself in the mirror lately?” His words are cruel amusement flickering in his dark eyes your breathing growing laboured as tears formed in your eyes “what? Babe I’m telling you the truth don’t you get that? I just want to help—“

“What the fuck is going on here?” The sudden voice made both yours and Evan’s head snap towards the door the once horrible guy now stumbling back, eyes wide as his eyes remain upon Harry. Your breathing trembled, hands shaking “nothing” “nothing? It didn’t look like nothing.” Harry spat out taking intimidating steps towards Evan “I have half the mind to break your jaw…” “you’d be arrested” Evan spat back, Harry raising his brows “on what terms? Self defence? I saw you touching her. I saw her cry. I heard her scream for help whilst you covered her mouth. Now that isn’t very consensual now is it?” You watched with horrified eyes as Harry was now eye to eye with Evan not touching him whatsoever but the clear domination he had, had Evan pressed into the wall looking scared out of his mind “but you’d be arrested. Assault. bodily harm. Sexual assault… I doubt you’d want to find out anymore of the charges you could face… isn’t that correct Evan?”

But before Evan even said anything the once confident asshole had ran straight past Harry, practically shitting himself.

Harry’s jaw was clenched, tempted to go after him but decided not to knowing he had better things to worry about. You. He attempted to calm himself down before he eventually looked towards you noticing how you remained against the counter— still trembling “y/n…” he took a slow advance towards you and your breath hitched “hey… it’s me. It’s all alright.” His tone was softer than before, extending his hand out towards you his concern clear, and before either of you could’ve prepared yourselves you had practically slammed yourself into him arms wrapped securely around his waist, your fingers curled into the material of his shirt as you trembled his tall figure towering over you as he peered down at you, shaking in his embrace, scarred… he secured both arms around you and pulled you closer to the point your face was smushed completely into his chest the smell of his strong expensive cologne drifting into your senses… he smelt like heaven.

His hand slowly traced up and down your back in a soothing manner. “You’re okay, y/n.” His voice was assuring as he kept a tight grip on you attempting to console you as best as possible yet you refused to let him see your face, remaining practically glued to him. “Is there someone you’d like me to call? Someone to take you home?” He questioned but he didn’t get a response out of you, you were shutting down completely as a flight or fight response. He however didn’t push you, instead wrapping his arm around you again as he began leading your half aware self upstairs walking you into the guest bedroom of the large house— closing the door behind the both of you before he sat you down, your shaking hands rushing to grab onto him again scared he was going to leave…

“I’m here y/n. Right here.” He exhaled softly sitting beside you on the bed, his large hand resting upon your shoulder gently— thumb caressing lightly against the material of your dress his eyes watching the top of your head, you refused to look at him and that saddened him. “Hey…” he reached his free hand out towards you finger pressing underneath your chin as he guided you to look at him your eyes filled to the brim with tears “h-harry..” you whimpered his eyes softening and he without even thinking pulled you in close “I’m here. I’m right here…” “please don’t leave.” He silently shook his head and exhaled softly before he kicked his shoes off, the thump of each one landing on the ground making you realise your friends friend dad was sharing a bed with you… to comfort you of course.

Harry leaned back, tattooed arm being quick to pull you close giving you no choice as he simply pulled you on top of him “i— too heavy—“ you breathed out shakily but that didn’t stop the man from pulling you onto his chest, arms tightly wrapped around you “nonsense. Relax.”

Those two words were the only words he spoke to you, forcing you to relax against him, his hand trailing up and down your back soothingly making sure to give you all the comfort possible. He held you tight not daring to let go of you, his eyes constantly checking on you until he believed you were asleep your breathing much more calmer and quiet, but despite the fact that he knew he could leave… he didn’t want to.

9PM slowly rolled to 11PM until it was 4AM— Harry was still wide awake, eyes however slightly hooded his breathing slow and quiet along with yours. You hadn’t stirred at all you remained silent, Harry stayed convincing himself it was because he was worried you would have a nightmare but he knew it was much more than that. Much more. His eyes tiredly focused on the red digital clock 4:15AM… he never called in sick for work— ever. But if he had to, to look after you then he would. He had spent the time you were asleep trying to figure out his feelings, telling himself how wrong it was… but you ignited something within him. Something he couldn’t quite figure out.

“Harry”

Your morning voice was cute somethings harry noticed immediately. “Y/n.” He responded, voice deep but soft his voice confirming he had stayed there for you. He had protected you… something no other guy had done for you… “what time is it?” You ask him groggily as you slowly force yourself to sit up, Harry’s arms unwrapping from around you “4:19” he spoke simply and you rubbed your eyes letting out a quiet groan your head pounding from the events of last night. You were now sat on top of him, slightly straddling him— innocently so Harry’s eyes searching your face tiredly his hands lazily grasping onto your hips mindlessly. “Can I ask you something personal?” You soon question him, his brows arching flawlessly as he tries to figure out what exactly you meant but nonetheless he nodded his head. “Do guys really not like fat girls?”

The question clearly alarmed him, his eyes readjusting on you before he furrowed his brows “what makes you say that?” He murmured quietly “what he said last night… or what he was hinting at. The reason I haven’t lost my virginity yet is because I’m too fat.” Harry stares blankly for a moment or two before he blinks his eyes a bit of surprise lingering on his face not expecting you to be so honest with him seeing as you had only met last night…

“Y/n that was a boy. A boy looks for magazine cover girls… skinny… big boobs big butts— fake. Edited. A man looks for what’s on the inside. A pretty smile. A pretty personality. What’s on the inside… sure people will have their own preferences…. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful. Because you are.” His eyes remain glued to yours, searching your face for any look of doubt which he could shut down immediately but there was none detected… only surprise. “I’m beautiful?” He nods silently to confirm your shocked question, a smirk forming on his lips making his dimples appear and your breath hitches as you search his face and in those moments you finally realise the position you were in— legs straddling him, hands touching lightly against his chest your eyes widening slightly “I’m so sorry I-“ “stay.” His voice was stern green eyes staring into yours “what?” Your voice is shocked yet again and he smiles

“Be a good girl and stay.”

You felt your heart pounding wildly in your chest your eyes searching his face “you’re beautiful, y/n… you want to know something?” His hands remain resting upon your hips and you nod hesitantly “yesterday when I met you… I was certain you weren’t as innocent as they say you are… but maybe you are… have you ever touched yourself before?” His words leave you shocked, your cheeks furiously heating up as you stare at him shocked “w-what?” “Have you ever touched yourself?” Your breath hitched feeling him rub soothing circles into your hips your eyes searching his face certain he was toying with you…. To make you feel some sort of hope… or maybe he just felt bad for you and at that thought your heart dropped “Harry I— I don’t need your sympathy please… I—“

“Who said anything about sympathy y/n? Have you touched yourself before? A simple question.” His words made a hot fever like wave flush into your stomach a shaky breath leaving your lips “yes… but…” your mouth got as dry as a bone as you attempted to wrack your brain to not say something stupid. “But…?” He coaxed delicately your eyes snapping to meet his again “but I can’t get what I want.” He quirks a brow and you knew that he knew what you meant. He wasn’t stupid. “It’s embarrassing—“ “oh no it’s not.” His large hand caresses against your cheek, finger tips soon curling around the nape of your neck as he began pulling you closer to him until you were practically inches away from one another…

“It’s okay y/n.”

You search his eyes nervously and he smiles a slight twinkle in his eyes making your stomach flutter with butterflies “life is a learning curve…”

You stare at him expectantly, confused, watching as he smiled “you just haven’t had the right teacher.” His words made your stomach leap as your breath caught in your throat… what did that mean? He was going to teach you? But before you could’ve even asked he had sat himself up, back against the headboard— lips finding yours in a deep sensual kiss his fingers pressed against the nape of your neck keeping you still the kiss getting deeper, more passionate, leaving you breathless— you weren’t even sure you were doing it correctly, Harry pulling back momentarily to look at you “Harry I don’t know how to do this.”

“Don’t worry, love.” His tone was reassuring as he smiled calmly at you. “Just follow my lead.”

His lips attached to yours again his kiss making you dizzy. It was addicting. His hands trailed up and down your sides delicately, before his hands carefully began prying at the hem of your dress guiding it further and further upwards before finally removing it from your body his eyes studying you. He looked at you as if you were a supermodel…

“Lay down.”

His tone was demanding but you still did so. Getting off of him and laying down, left only in your bra and underwear which was highly vulnerable for you but you tried not to stress too much.

He got onto his knees, the bed creaking slightly as he adjusted himself over you, his lips pressing against yours gently as he began kissing down your neck— sucking slightly every so often hearing the sweet sounds that left your mouth “that feel good hm?” You nodded your head gently the simplicity of him kissing your neck drove you absolutely wild your stomach in knots but it felt good. He began trailing kisses down your body, lips pressing softly against your tummy insecurity immediately getting the best of you as you whined attempting to cover up “hey..” he strict voice grabbed your attention “you’re beautiful.” He spoke making you remove your hands which were nervously remaining close to your body. He eventually continued to leave kisses all over until eventually he had reached your thighs his eyes flicking up to meet yours “get comfortable.” He spoke simply watching you grab a few pillows before you laid down comfortably “good girl.”

He peered down just between your thighs— closing his mouth as he sucked in a sharp breath as the sight of you before him… all for him. To devour. To ruin. To make sure you knew your worth… all. For. Him. “If you want me to stop at any point. We can. Understood?” He spoke watching you nod “use your words, Angel.” “Yes Harry.” You spoke shakily and he smiled. Boundaries were always good to have in place. He wanted you to know that you were allowed to have boundaries. You felt the sensation of your panties being slid down your legs, exposing your heat to him— using one single finger to trace up and down your slit a shiver running directly down your spine a low whimper leaving your lips “feels good hm” your breath only hitched no words leaving your mouth as the odd but wonderful sensation soon becomes your favourite thing. His finger didn’t linger too long in any specific place— sliding up and down before mercilessly toying with your clit. Pointer finger delicately tracing around the bud whines and moans leaving your lips as he watched your every reaction as if he was taking an image of the moment in his mind. Not wanting to forget it. “That’s it relax… relax for me y/n.” He praised delicately watching how your body relaxed further into the bed his tongue soon adding to the pleasure, flicking over your clit and all over your body shaking with the new feelings erupting throughout you “feel good angel?”

“Yes sir” a cry of pleasure leaves your lips and for the first time Harry didn’t correct you— instead he smirked, tongue lashing more fervently against your heat.

As your body began to squirm his large hands grasped onto your thighs, holding your still keeping you down for him as he continued flicking his tongue all over your core. “A-ah harry..” you cried out your back arching up off of the bed as an unfamiliar feeling surrounded you— tingles running up and down your body “that’s it… that’s it… oh such a good girl…” incoherent whimpers of his name left your lips until eventually your first orgasm ripped throughout you— Harry moaning, the sound of his moan enticing something within you a look of pride within his eyes “good girl.” He smiled genuinely as you panted, attempting to calm yourself down. He repositioned himself on his knees his hand beginning to trace up and down your arm slowly and carefully soothing you, allowing you to catch your breath your hands working before your brain as you reached out towards his jeans— his ring covered hands immediately stopping your hands,

“Ah ah impatient our we?”

A smirk tugged at his lips “please.” You spoke and he studied you carefully “tell me.” He spoke tenderly “tell me what you want to do?” One hand traced up to your cheek which he caressed gently, thumb brushing over your lower lip delicately “make you feel good…” you murmured softly Harry quirking a brow at your innocence but he decided not to pry. Instead he nodded “are you sure?”

He watched you nod your eyes meeting his again “you’re my teacher right?”

He smirked slightly and let out a low chuckle before he only nodded. Allowing you to undo his jeans as he leaned back. His length was hard— his hand immediately beginning to rub up and down your eyes watching him carefully “see what I’m doing?” He spoke, you nodding. “You do that.” You slowly took over your hand beginning to pump up and down, his head leaning backwards eyes rolling into the back of his head slightly and the more comfortable you got the more quick your pace grew “you’re doing it darling… you’re doing great.” He praised breathy moans continuing to leave his lips— he continued guiding you until his hand was in your hair, helping you as your mouth began hollowing out around him, tongue swirling around the tip— doing everything almost naturally Harry’s groans and moans growing louder

“Fuck y/n your mouth feels so good… fuck!”

His grip tightened on your hair helping move your head up and down until eventually his cock twitched and his orgasm wrapped around him his moans gravelly and beautiful driving you insane making you want more… desperate for more… greedy for more… and as he pulled you up and off of him by the hair his eyes were glazed over with hunger “fuck… you felt so fucking good.” He spoke clearly feeling the same. Just as hungry for more his hand coming to caress against your cheek lightly your eyes showing your hunger into which his thumb stroked against your lower lip “next time.” Next time? His eyes searched your face and he smirked slightly “next time when we’re alone in the house I’ll teach you some more.. but for now… we don’t want to get caught do we?” He smirked slightly before shaking his head chuckling slightly “you did so good.” He pulled you in for a light kiss a little confident grin tugging at your lips…

“Learnt from the best.” You whispered his green eyes glowering into yours as he grinned keeping a hold on you… it was very clear neither of you were forgetting each other anytime soon.

I hope this was okay and you enjoyed it! I kinda just went with the flow rather than with an actual idea in my head so I hope it isn’t awful… I haven’t written smut in a while so excuse it if it’s bad… anyways more stories coming hopefully soon! Thanks for reading loves!!

[iamthecomet]

Worthy

[Kinktober - Day 10 - Body Worship] Rating: Explicit.

Pairing: Dewdrop/Cumulus (Cumdrop my beloved)

Featuring: A little bit of angst. Body worship. Cunnilingus. Biting. Marking. Dew having a six sense about these things. It's so soft and not very kinky. I can't help it. Zero projection, none at all.

Word Count: 1.2k

Cumulus' self-esteem slips. Dew's there to fix it.

Read on AO3 or below the cut.

Cumulus is  expecting Cirrus back to their shared hotel room any moment. It’s been a long day, a hard show. Her skin feels too tight. When she catches sight of herself in the full length mirror on the bathroom door she retreats across the room with her tail between her legs. She can’t help it. Most days she loves her curves. Loves herself. Knows that everyone else does too. She’s confident. It’s easy. 

Today? After long, fully glamored, flights and treks through crowded airports? After a show that never seemed to end? She can’t. She cannot keep up the facade of self-love. She’s too tired. She’s weak to the voices in her head that say she would be so much happier if she looked like Aurora, or Sunshine, or even Mist. 

She knows Cirrus will help get her out of the funk, that she will whisper words to her and tell her how beautiful she is and reassure her. But she doesn’t want to talk about it–doesn’t want to hear it. She wants to sink into herself. Curl up under the blanket she brought from home–the one that still somehow smells like Aether, and sleep for the rest of the week. 

There’s a quick rap at the door. Two knocks. And then the swipe of the keycard in the door. Cumulus has already showered and changed. Dressed in one of Aether’s oversized t-shirts and underwear. She’s cross legged on the bed, caccooned in her fuzzy blanket just as the door clicks open. She’s expecting Cirrus so she doesn’t look up right away. She keeps her eyes on her phone, some game Sunshine told her helped keep her mind off of things when she was anxious on tour. 

It’s late, past midnight, but the city is still wide awake outside the hotel. Sirens wail, people talk, engines rev. Cumulus leans back against the generic headboard and tries to focus. To turn her brain off. They have another long day tomorrow whether she is in a good mood or not–the least she can do is sleep. 

Bony fingers slip into her view, hover near the edge of her phone before they pluck it from her grip. She looks up, finds Dew looking at her from the side of the bed. Arms crossed over his narrow chest, her phone in one of his hands. 

She blinks at him, confused. “Where’s Cirrus?”  “We traded,” he says and doesn’t elaborate on why. Cumulus doesn’t think he needs to. 

On her worst days, Dewdrop finds her. She’s not sure how he always knows. Always finds his way into her space, her arms, her bed. He can tell from across the stage. From down the hall. The word comes crashing down around her, and Dew is there like he can smell it on her.  Maybe he can. 

She’s never asked. Afraid that if she does, she’ll break the spell. Disrupt the magic. That he’ll stop doing it. She can’t even talk about it with him, thank him properly. She’s usually good with words, with feelings. But there is something scared about these moments. 

Dew hops onto the bed, settles in front of her. His knees touching hers as he mirrors how she’s sitting. He tosses her phone onto the other side of the bed and looks at her. He reaches across the distance to catch a corkscrewed curl in his fingers. He straights it out, lets it go and watches it spring back up before he tucks it behind her ear. Fingers gentle over her skin as he does. 

She wonders if she does this for the others. If they find Dewdrop waiting outside their doors when it feels like their world is imploding, like their skin is too tight. Or if she is special. She knows she gets a side of him not many people do. Easy, gentle, devoted. 

He sinks his fingers into her hair and leans in, rocking up onto his knees to kiss her. No more words. Just action. They won’t talk about it–not yet. Maybe he’ll weasel her problem out of her after he’s made her cum upwards of a dozen times. But until then they are done speaking. 

He licks into her mouth when she sighs. Tongues sliding together. He pushes until she’s laying down and he’s kneeling between her thighs. One hand on her face, the other slipping up under the hem of her shirt to drag calloused fingers over velvet soft skin. 

Cumulus lets herself be carried away on it. She’s shirtless before she knows it, wearing only her underwear now. And then Dew is too. Kneeling before her in a pair of skin tight skinny jeans and a studded belt and not much else. He leans back on his haunches to really look at her. Head tilting as his eyes drag over her collarbone, her tits, the softness of her belly and thighs. 

She waits. Wants to hide, to cross her arms, to close her legs, but she digs her fingers into the bed sheets instead. She allowes him this indulgence, half expecting this will be the time he scoffs and turns away. 

“So fucking gorgeous .” He whispers instead. Bending to press their bodies together as he latches his mouth onto her pulse. One hand braced by her head, the other cups one of her breasts. Dragging his overwarm palm over her nipple as he squeezes. 

Cumulus’ eyes flutter closed as his mouth dips lower. Tongue dragging over her collarbone. Licking at the sweat beading in her sternum. He latches onto her other nipple and she moans. Hand flying to his hair as her rolls her piercing between his teeth. 

She slits her eyes open to find him looking up at her. Staring at her face. Molten copper eyes blown nearly black already. 

“Dew.” 

He pulls way, a string of spit connecting his mouth to her nipple. “Shh, lay back. Close your eyes, Lus. Let me take care of you, please .” 

She could argue. Part of her wants to–to assert that she doesn’t deserve this. But there is something in his tone, in the way he rolls his hips against her thigh, that makes her think this is for him too. That the lust in his eyes is genuine. 

So she listens. Lets him call the shots just this once. She drags her nails over his scalp as he sucks a deep purple mark next to her nipple and lets her head fall back into the pillows. She closes her eyes. Dew gives her other nipple the same treatment. Then works his way downward, sucking and biting dark marks into her skin the whole way. On her ribs. Her hips. The slope of her belly. The inside of both thighs.  By the time he finally pulls her panties down and licks into her cunt she’s boneless. Eyes slitted open so she can watch. He groans low at the first taste of her. Tongue flicking out over her clit. Pulling her thighs over his shoulders, tight around his head like he would gladly die between her legs. 

“Can’t believe I get to have you,” he muses like he’s the lucky one here. He’s lost in her, drunk off of the taste of her, the feel of her curves beneath his hands. Cumulus feels holy when Dew gets like this. Worthy of his worship. His devotion. 

She settles in, gives in to pleasure. Allows him to pray at her altar.

[mireyaaaaaaaaa]

𝕌𝕟𝕣𝕖𝕢𝕦𝕚𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖

"As long as he's happy, I am too..."

Pairing/ Non idol!Ni-ki × Reader

Synopsis/ Reader likes Ni-ki but...

Genre/ a bit of angst in a few chapters, other than that mostly fluff

Warnings/ none

Pt.1

----------------------------------

♡𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕎𝕒𝕪 𝕆𝕦𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕙𝕒𝕕𝕠𝕨𝕤

--------------------------------

I was sitting. I was zoning out. I felt lonely. I just wanted to cry. Why me? What did I do wrong? I already had a friend in this new class... Or so i thought. I thought she would help me make friends. But instead... My old friends (turns out they never considered me as their friend...) have turned their backs on me. I feel lost. I'm wandering around, without a clue, what to do?

Suree i know what the adults would say- Focus on your studies, your social life can come later, when you grow up.

Look, I know my studies are important. But I just can't focus anymore. Everyone has high expectations I can't fulfill. I'm pathetic and a loser. I have no brains, beauty or talent. No friends and zero self esteem. Who would want to be friends with this piece of negativity?

Everyone has fit in... All 5 of them. Why am i an exception? Why do I lose everyone? Everyone has someone. Someone who would pay attention to them, who would talk to them, who would trust them and love them. Everyone has that one bestfriend. But why do I have no one? No one to confide in when I'm hurt. No one to share my joy with.

I wasn't always this... dark. I was quite cheerful. Because I thought I had friends.

Why are friends so important to me? Idk. Why am I so messed up? Idk.

I'm alone. I'm a nerd. I'm a dork. I'm not close to cool and likeable.

I'm happy when others are happy because of me, themselves or someone else. But I'm also bitter. I always manage to get outshined.

And no one would ever care about ny success. No one cares. That's what he said. No one cares about me, he said. My ex-bestfriend, Denise, said.

No one knows I exist. It hurts. I hurt.

"Hellooooo?" someone said, waving their hand infront of me. That broke my dark reverie. It wasn't pleasant at all.

"You okayyy?" that same voice asked.

"H-huh? Oh yeah I-I'm fine. I guess." I replied.

"Scoot over." She said to me. I did as she said. It was Eunchae. She's the most popular girl in my class. Everyone loves talking to her. She's very cool. She has cool interests, she has a confident aura lingering around her. She sings beautifully. It's mesmerizing. To put the cherry on the top, she's a good person. She doesn't put others down nor does she consider herself superior to anyone. She treats everyone with respect. She cares for everyone.

"So," she started, "one word. That's all I have for you. Spill."

I was confused. So confused. "Huh?"

"Don't pretend to be happy. Don't smile when it's fake. Cry when you want. Laugh when you feel like it. Show your emotions, don't hide them."

"You won't get annoyed? You won't think I'm being an attention seeker? You won't think I'm self centered, I'm a-"

"No! Just talk about your feelings. It helps. And I'm here. I'm here for you."

"I- thank you" I smiled. Genuinely. When was the last time I did? Not as a mask, but as myself.

I started talking. I told her everything. But mid way... I heard sniffling. "Eunchae... are you okay? I'm sorry"

"Stupid. Ask yourself that! Why are you saying sorry?! Can I hug you?" she asked. I nodded.

"You're so sweet. I'll be here for you. Always." she said as she hugged me.

"Can we stay like this?" i asked. "of course y/n"

----------------------------------

ᴀ/ɴ > ⁱ ˡⁱᵗᵉʳᵃˡˡʸ ᶜʳⁱᵉᵈ ʷʰⁱˡᵉ ʷʳⁱᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʰⁱˢ. ᵗʰⁱˢ ʷᵃᵃˢ ᵈᵉ���ⁱⁿᵗᵉˡʸ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵐᵉ ˡᵃˢᵗ ʸᵉᵃʳ... ᵐᵃʸᵇᵉ ⁱᵗ ⁱˢ... ⁱᵐ ˢᵒ ᵐᵉˢˢᵉᵈ ᵘᵖ

ɪᴋ ɴɪ-ᴋɪ ᴅɪᴅɴ'ᴛ ᴀᴘᴘᴇᴀʀ ɪɴ ᴛʜɪs ᴘᴀʀᴛ. ʜᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴇxᴛ ᴘᴀʀᴛ! sɪɴᴄᴇ ᴛʜɪs sᴛᴏʀʏ ɪs ʙᴀsɪᴄᴀʟʟʏ ʜᴏᴡ ɪ ғᴇᴇʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴀ sᴘᴇᴄɪᴀʟ sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ, ɴᴏᴛ ᴊᴜsᴛ ʜɪᴍ ʙᴜᴛ ᴍʏ ʙᴇsᴛɪᴇ ᴛᴏᴏ. ᴡʜᴏ ʙᴛᴡ ɪs ᴇᴜɴᴄʜᴀᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜɪs!

ᵃⁿʸʷᵃʸˢ, ᵗʰⁱˢ ᶠⁱᶜ ᵐⁱᵍʰᵗ ˢᵉᵉᵐ ᵃ ᵇᵒʳⁱⁿᵍ ᵃˢ ᵒᶠ ⁿᵒʷ, ᵇᵘᵗ ��'ˡˡ ᵇᵉ ᵍˡᵃᵈ ᵗᵒ ᵃᶜᶜᵉᵖᵗ ᵃⁿʸ ˢᵘᵍᵍᵉˢᵗⁱᵒⁿˢ ᵒⁿ ʰᵒʷ ⁱ ᶜᵃⁿ ⁱᵐᵖʳᵒᵛᵉ!

ᴛʏ ғᴏʀ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ᴘᴀʀᴛ 1! ᴘᴀʀᴛ 2 ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ᴏᴜᴛ sᴏᴏɴ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[uva-academy-vio]

redoing my pinned AGAIN! anyways,

Hello, Rotomblr! My name is Vio Alberich, though you can just call me Vio, and my close friends can call me Vii. I'm 15, my pronouns are he/him, & I'm gay, trans, and demisexual. I'm a student at Uva Academy in Paldea (don't ask me how I got in, I've no clue), but I'm currently at Unova's Blueberry Academy for the student exhange programme. I'm known as the Uva Academy's Ghost Whisperer, due to my ability of communicating with ghost-type pokemon! (However, it's not always a good thing.)

My older cousin is @furiousjasper, she's Galar's one & only electric-type gym leader in the minor division, and he's practically a big girlbrother to me :] My absolute best buddy is @sour-herba-sandwiches, he's the best guy man person ever >:)))

Please, do NOT talk to me about Area Zero. I've never been there. I know nothing about it. TOTALLY!!

my battling team consists of:

Ray the Quaquaval [he/him] !! my first partner pokemon !!! he's mighty strong and confident too! he helps me with my self-esteem AND my acting skills :] aqua step and liquidation are his specialties !!

Ian the Kilowattrel [he/him]! my other bird buddy! he's silly but really tough, acting as a big brother to my team [and to me] !! hurricane and volt switch are what he does best!! :D

Sympthesis the Tsareena [she/they] !! being my only grass-type pokemon, she may have several type disadvantages, but she's very capable of striking your team down with a trop kick!! >:D

Riri the Azumarill [he/it]!!! he may be small, but he packs a punch !! his dragon tera type makes him all spiky and stuff!! he's tired a lot, but he's still happy inside!! hydro pump and play rough'll rattle you to the very core !!

Rick Blades the Ceruledge! [he/him]!!! my ace pokemon AND my good friend !! i'm able to talk to him since i'm able to talk to ghost-types! he's somewhat serious, but just likes making friends ^_^ bitter blade's his special talent, slashing through opponents and stealing their hp !!!!

i also have my ride pokemon, Maurice the Miraidon Cyclizar! [he/they/it] he's this purple colour due to being attacked by a grafaiai a few months back when i first joined uva. a seperate incident left him unable to battle but he's still a ride mon AND one of my best friends :DDD

MY OTHER POKEMON !!!

Cotton Candy the [shiny!!] Sylveon [he/they]!! a good buddy of mine that i found in a tera-ice raid den!!! his tera type makes his ribbons look like a glaceon's, and his pixilate ability makes moves like hyper voice and tera blast pack an extra punch !! >:]]

Wysteria the [shiny!!!] Alcremie [she/he]!! she was a gift from my cousin's partner for delibird day, and her and i have been friends ever since! her ribbon sweet and achromatic creme colours match my own colour scheme quite perfectly!!! moves like dazzling gleam and alluring voice are what she does best!! ^_^

//ooc info under the cut

//this is an unreality/pokemon irl blog where i pretend that pokemon are real. if you're triggered by any of that, i suggest not interacting.

hi! my name's hugh! i use he/him and i'm the only mod for this blog, and my main is @shingetsu-online ! vio and i are both minors, so please so nsfw asks or interactions. no pro/comshippers either.

all of the art in the pinned is by ME!! i used juxtaposition (miiverse revival) for those specific drawings, but I use ibispaintx and aggieio regularly.

I DO POKEMON IRL BLOG PROMOS!! If you run a smaller blog, feel free to let me know, I'm very willing to help you out!!

homophobes/racists/terfs/transphobes/sexists/mysoginists/other basic dni criteria, please do NOT interact.

also HUGE spoilers for pokemon s/v (but mostly violet) as well as sw/sh (but mostly shield) as well as other pokemon games.

content/trigger warning for self harm/eating disorders/abuse/gender dysphoria and mentions of the like.

thank you for reading!! vio's one of my few characters that i've actually spent a long time [about 2 years as of the 29th of May, 2024. holy shit] developing/writing so i'm glad that i get to post him online and stuff!! again, thanks ^_^

[therealvinelle]

How do u think Alice and Rosalie’s relationship is?

Not close.

This is one of those metas where I don't have to guess, because Rosalie says it herself in this outtake from Meyer's website. For reference, she's contemplating her phone call to Edward, and the reasons why she called:

I might as well be honest with myself, because Edward would see every bit of pettiness in my decision as soon as he got home. Might as well acknowledge my bad motives, accept them now.

Yes, I was jealous of the way Alice felt about Bella. Would Alice have raced off so rashly, so wild with panic, if it had been me she’d seen jumping off a cliff? Did she have to love that commonplace human girl so much more than me?

But that jealousy was just a small thing.

(For the record, that "Edward would see every bit of the pettiness in my decision" line - good god, let it never be said this girl has good self esteem.)

Alice openly prefers Bella to Rosalie, she makes Bella her best friend based on visions (which, to be sure, is simply how Alice works), and devotes herself entirely to being BFFs with Bella. She's attentive, takes the initiative, never runs out of enthusiasm where Bella is concerned.

In Midnight Sun, Alice is blatant about this. Bella is to be her friend, her very best friend in this world, someone she has longed for. She loves her already, why hasn't Edward introduced them yet, Bella Bella Bella-

Bella is very much going to be a novelty in Alice's life. Bella is the sister and friend Alice wants and delights in.

Rosalie is not. And Rosalie knows it. Sixty years together, and they never got as close as Alice got to Bella in just a few months of knowing her.

It's very clearly one-sided, too, this jealousy and desire for closeness on Rosalie's end. Alice makes it clear she's not interested in Rosalie beyond getting along because they're in the same coven.

Again, the outtake is depressingly helpful here.

Alice calls the house phone, Rosalie picks up. What proceeds it a tense conversations where Alice tells Rosalie that Edward is going to kill himself, and Rosalie, faced with the prospect of losing her brother, succumbs to despair. Alice shows zero empathy:

“I—I didn’t mean it like that, Alice! I just wanted him to come home!” My voice was almost a howl.

“It’s a bit late for that, Rose,” Alice said, harder and colder than before. “Save your remorse for someone who believes it.”

I'd be lenient because Alice is also on the verge of losing her brother, and it's human (heh.) nature to not always react appropriately to that. Taking her fear and worry for Edward out on Rosalie is regrettable, but not necessarily representative of how Alice treats and regards Rosalie on the regular.

However, when they get back from Volterra, Edward is fine. They're all fine, everything turned out well, there was a happy ending. Alice can safely lower her shoulders, and let Rosalie know they're fine.

Instead- well, Alice and Rosalie don't interact in the reunion scene, instead it's Edward piling crap on Rosalie while Emmett jokes that Bella forgiving her doesn't count because Bella's half asleep. But it speaks of a family dynamic where Rosalie's a bitch and it's okay to treat her accordingly, which, combined with everything we know about Alice, makes me feel pretty confident in guessing she never apologized for her words.

Not once in canon, not to my recollection anyway, do we see them have a sisterly moment. Alice never brings Rosalie along on a shopping trip with Bella (or pouts because Rosalie didn't want to go), they never sit together just to talk about anything, Alice never plays Barbie Rosalie.

Do they do things together every so often, yes, that's canon, Alice designs dresses for her and they made a photo album of Renesmée together. That's it. However, that merely means that two people living under the same roof sometimes do things together when it's a hobby they share. More, fashion is Alice's passion. Designing clothes for Rosalie isn't necessarily about Rosalie the person. And Renesmée's album, again, just means they both wanted to do a thing.

There's no instance of them seeking each other out for the sake of company.

So, no, I don't think Rosalie and Alice are close. At all.

I think Rosalie would love to be, has probably made a few overtures over the years, at least in the early ones, none of which can succeed when she on a very fundamental level is not a person Alice is interested in as friend.

Alice, on her end, tolerates Rosalie.

[dreamteamspace]

We hit 400 so here’s a- ✨ DREAM APPRECIATION ESSAY ✨

(by Yours Truly. Much thanks to the one, innocent anon who just wanted to ask a small talk question but hit my serotonin-providing hyperfixation.)

1. Self-esteem

I love the way he’s confident in his abilities when it’s become such a “trend” to either be completely and utterly self-depricating about your own skills out of fear of being labelled an asshole or overconfident nowadays.

At the same time you can still tell he doesn’t want to pull anyone down ever, and will always be really careful with that and take every oppertunity to lift up the people around him. Dream has a very emotional voice that gives him away a lot, so you can really tell he genuinely admires the people around him and he’s never afraid to say that they could totally easily beat him in something if he doesn’t have practice with it.

He tends to be a bit too hard on himself, so his friends always encourage him in his abilities, and that’s just. So nice. He celebrates his victories! He gets so so excited and happy when he wins in the manhunts, and I think celebrating your hard-earned victories isn’t something that should be villanized.

He won, and we should KNOW by now that doesn’t mean he thinks he’s somehow better than everyone. He has a pretty good eye on his abilities, and that allows him to really use them to the max.

2. Morality

He isn’t afraid to change the game! His adhd picks out a Cool New Thing and he just goes, You know what? Why not! His adhd goes “do this thing repeatedly another 3847 times” and he’s like, yeah sure!

Nobody expected him to release a song, but he just went for it! He’s been speedrunning so much, but he isn’t afraid to stream it every day 5 days in a row for hours while his friends bicker in the background.

Dream genuinely does the things he finds fun, but at the same time puts in so much effort to make them good and entertaining to watch and never forgets about his viewers.

He’s kidfriendly because he wants to be! Fame-wise, at this point he could definitly swear more if he wanted to (and he does when in other people’s content who don’t care about swearing), but despite that he doesn’t swear on his main because he wants his content to be accessable for everyone.

Sure, on one hand it could be for clout/money, but consider: Dream doesn’t stream the DSMP because he doesn’t want to take attention away from other people. He participates in the videos of his friends. He lets compilation channels and the like do whatever they want and even monetize his content. He lets his friends stream Road Trip on twitch as much as they want for free.

Dream doesn’t not swear just for his fanbase, but he does it because he has so so much respect for people. No matter how high he goes, he’s always consciously focused on respecting and admiring the people around him.

He has genuine respect for creators so much smaller than him, and he has respect for people in his fanbase that are younger than him. He isn’t afraid to go against the norm and STAND for that, either (see the video where he defends his stans).

And he defends his friends so much too! So much so it could almost be a little bit of a flaw sometimes, but I feel like he truly wants to learn from his mistakes. He apologizes for things even when nobody asked him to, and that just shows that he does it out of genuine guilt and fear of hurting someone.

He’s always seemed like someone who is genuinely willing to change to be a better version of himself, who isn’t afraid to challenge what he thinks and what other people think and what the norm thinks in order to improve everything for everyone.

Dream also doesn’t let any of the fame get to his head! As I said before - he’s confident in the things he’s good at, but in a way that doesn’t pull other people down, and he still remains firmly admirable of other people.

And even when OTHER people let fame get to their head (it was a while ago, but there was a video he made about five block jumps, where he added in a clip of a video of another guy doing it complete with credit and link etc. The guy was 100% alright with it at first, but when his video started getting more views because Dream’s video blew up, he started accusing Dream of “stealing” his content (when dozens of other videos of the 5 block jump already existed, and Dream could’ve just put in a clip of himself doing the jump)),,, but he insisted in his reponse that fame gets to people’s heads sometimes, nobody should blame anybody, he genuinely was never upset at him and just said that this just... happens sometimes.

He’s a very forgiving person all around, in part due to being willing to challenge his own norms and give people the benefit of the doubt JUST in case he’s wrong. He lets people enjoy things so long as they aren’t hurting anybody, like allowing people to ship him w people who are also alright with shipping, but at the same time taking a hard stance on, say, how shipping minors is absolutely wrong and should not be done ever (and he’s right).

3. Fandom

He appreciates said fanart and fanworks as well! He thinks dnf fanart is cool and he even appreciates the fanfic part of his fandom, something many ccs wish to ignore or forget it exists altogether (and it IS ofc in their right to do so or be uncomfortable with such content!), but Dream sees the work put into it and how people find connections and friendships through the fandom and appreciates it all the same.

He loves his fandom. So much. But not in the overdone, fake-feeling way I’ve seen other ccs be,,,, he’s just. Quiet and shy and genuine about it but not afraid to defend it.

He’s said before - and I QUOTE - “If you send hate to people or have sent hate to people, in the form of hateful comments or DMs, you aren’t welcome in my fandom. You’re no fan of mine”, which is the HOTTEST take he’s ever uttered and I love that. He really just went and said that. And he’s right. I like that despite how he’s usually more held back and waits things out before taking a stance, he chose this topic to really take a hard stance on and not budge and stick to it.

Pmbata has also said that he believes his fans have his back no matter what!! And that he really loves them a lot!!! And I am!! Emotional!!!!

4. ND/Adhd

He has adhd which is something I relate to personally (I have it as well sdlkfj). He gets excited sometimes!! I love how he shows being fidgety in mc, always pacing and parcouring around,, the way that in manhunts you can SEE when he’s thinking or bouncing back and forth between two options,,, or the way he gets close to people in mc to laugh with them.... He shows so much with his movements by them being quick and daring and calculated (and it’s especially hilarious to watch other people react to it in the video “mc but three people control one player”, where he’s the one moving and Sapnap and George will gasp or go “Dream!!” in surprise when Dream was THIS close to falling off a ledge, but he just laughs sdlkfjsdf).

When he’s not moving around he stands perfectly, perfectly still (which, idk if thats what all adhd ppl have, but I know I have something similar? Like when I’m nervous I’ll sometimes just. Freeze in place. No movement at all). He’s just relatable sdkjf.

There was one Manhunt extra scenes where he,,,,, stims by clapping,,,,,, the lil excited clap in the background,,, I’m gonna cry. I’m so soft for excited Dream that one is such a comfort clip for me!

He also tends to stim by getting under trap doors and then jumping back out of them, or jumping up a block and then walking back down over and over (especially noticable in The Village Went Mad tftsmp episode, where they were all discussing who the murderer could be and he was the only one moving, hopping up the log and then running back down again).

Also it is. Really Soft when he starts rambling and overexplaining something. What’s even better is that George, who is usually present at such moments, will laugh a little at his antics, and Dream will automatically laugh with him.

5. Rp/Uplifting other ccs

Dream wasn’t all THAT into the rp at first, but his server has been so strongly supporting and giving attention to smaller creators that he’s since completely rolled along with it. Being a villain in the RP is a difficult role because you will, inevitable, as much as it is just roleplay and all scripted, always get some amount of dislike from people for it.

Despite that, he’s basicly the main big villain on his own server where he let a bunch of theater kids beat him up in character and imprison him on his OWN SERVER. He wasn’t as into the rp at first, but has obviously been practicing and joins every Tales of the SMP when he can, despite getting zero clout for it.

What Dream also tends to do is find small content creators, see their talent and lift them high. His entire discord server is dedicated to give smaller ccs a place to grow, and when he first found Tubbo, Tommy, Ranboo, etc., they were much much smaller than they are now. He truly wanted to help them make it big.

He’s also added Foolish Shark and Hannah onto the SMP, both much smaller ccs (not tiny, but you get what I mean), allowing them to grow. He doesn’t stream on his OWN SERVER. He let himself get imprisoned to let the good guys win on his OWN. SERVER. He’s willing to play the villain and everything.

An interesting thing though! A lot of people used to/still do clown on Dream a bit for his sometimes uncertain acting,,, but when he’s around people he knows well (Sapnap and George, Tubbo and Tommy) we’ve seen him go ALL OUT. I have the theory Dream might be genuinely afraid to accidentally be mean to someone in character and have them misinterpret it sldkfjsdf,,, so he’s rly careful when he goes into the rp, and sometimes even when he’s in it he goes quiet, especially with other people around.

But also the fact that he needs time to feel comfortable around ppl is,, a mood,,, and adorable,,, sdlfkjsdf-

Apparently he’s also shared his youtube algorithm secrets with Tommy?? Which he had only shared with Sapnap and George before?? Dream took one look at that chaotic kid and immedietly adopted him as his little brother. He literally got up super early to rp the prison visit. Idk about ya’ll but I would die for someone first and get up horribly early for them second-

6. Friends!!

Dream?? Considers so so many people his friends?? And despite having so many friends, he also has his few closest friends (George and Sapnap) whom he would absolutely die for in a heartbeat. He WILL defend them with everything he has and loves them so so much.

He listens to them and really, truly wants them to succeed. He respects them so much and will go OFF about how good they actually are and how talented they are and how important they are to him.

I can’t even COVER everything about how much he is SOULMATES with Gorg. They live in each others heads rent-free. He mentions him all the time. They get!! So happy when they’re around each other!!! Their voices get so soft,,

And I can’t even BEGIN to explain the energy of Sapnap and Dream just moving together permanently. Imagine moving together with your best friend. Like, permanently. Into one house. They’re best friends Your Honor,,,,

Also,, remember the Techno and Dream rivalry? And Dream has recently said that he’s hesitant to make a serious manhunt against Techno because he doesn’t want there to be any feud between them or have them be compared to each other. He said that while he absolutely wanted nothing more than to beat Techno at first, now that he knows him better he just wants to be friends with him. He wants to be FRIENDS. With his, essentially, mc RIVAL. Friendly rival, but still. He doesn’t even wanna fight Techno or have ppl compare them cause he,,, wants to be friends with him,,,,

7. Vulnerability

What I feel like really sets Dream apart from some other ccs for me is that he’s willing to be vulnerable. He will tell George he loves him. He defends his friends. He sounds so, so genuine when he tells his fandom that he loves them.

What’s just really rare to see, especially in male ccs, is that vulnerability. It’s becoming more acceptable as time goes on, but it’s certainly not easy, and a lot of people become and stay long-term fans BECAUSE they can see how genuine he is.

I know Dream looks up to Mr. Beast a lot, for example, but honestly? I think he’s a little better than Mr. Beast. Because he feels more genuine, more bound to what he believes is right. I’m sure Mr. Beast isn’t a bad content creator! But ultimately they have different target audiences and I’m very glad Dream is the way he is.

Less of that insecure masculinity and more willing to be vulnerable, to care about things, to get emotional and to encourage and uplift the people around him.

8. Pure Brainrot

Green boi has nice deep calm soothing voice. Little shy laugh. Wheeze laugh. Gorg live in his head rent-free. He lov friends. He lov block game. He good at block game,,, a little shy but confident,,, big heart,,,, soft voice,,,,, rambles sometimes....

He also Gender. He’s so gender. I don’t know how else to describe it. I want That. Whatever That is. My gender is Dreamwastaken

[suchalonelysunflower]

Tell Me What You’re Thinking (c.h)

Pairing: Calum Hood x Fem! Reader

Summary: You overhear something you shouldn’t hear. But Calum will make it right, won’t he?

Warnings: ANGST. Language (including insults), mentions of alcohol, drugs and cheating. MC with low self esteem. Some grammar mistakes (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word count: 4 k

Author’s Note: hi I’m back with the angsty shit. This is very self indulgent, and I put Mitchy as a bad guy here, so sorry if you like him? Reblogs, Commets, Feedback and likes are very welcomed and encouraged! I love to hear from you guys ❤️ hope you like it and Happy Reading ✨🦋🌻

My materialist // wanna be part of my tag list?

You sighed as you finished your last paper. It was finals week and you were officially done with your exams and term papers for the semester. The last couple of weeks were rough and no one knew that more than you and your boyfriend Calum who has been by your side through this whole stressing process.

You smiled to yourself as you remembered the encouraging words that Calum often said to you. He knew how hard you worked in school and at your part time job in a law firm, and you appreciated how much he cared for you in times of stress and frustrations. Always cheering you up from the bleechers as you made a name for yourself.

Calum promised that once you were done with school for the semester, he was going to take you out on a well deserved Holiday, just the two of you and Duke as you celebrated another six months worth of work done. Everything was already planned for the next weekend and you couldn’t wait.

You reread your final essay one more time and decided that it was enough for today and if there were any mistakes left, then you’ll deal with them tomorrow. Now the only thing in your mind was a cozy blanket and a feel good movie. But first, you needed to get some food and drinks for your mini celebratory self care session.

The thought of asking Calum to come join you crossed your mind, but you quickly remembered that tonight was boys night. Every couple of weeks Calum and his friends have a little night out to catch up and decompress all of the stress of the week. Tonight was Calum’s turn to host boys night as they decided to have a quiet night in, so they must be having a good time downstairs and you didn’t want to ruin the mood.

With that thought in mind, you carefully placed your laptop on Calum’s side of the bed and carefully untangled your legs from under the covers so you wouldn't wake up Duke, who snuggled with you every time you had to work to keep you company. You put on one of Calum’s hoodies and headed downstairs trying your best to not make any sound.

Before you even reached the last step of the stairs, you could already hear your boyfriend’s laugh and it made your heart flutter. Even after almost three years of being together, his laugh still gives you butterflies every time you hear it, falling even more in love than what is possible.

Once you were in the kitchen, you started looking into the cupboards as you searched for your favorite snacks, but in the end you were unable to find any, thinking that maybe Calum has hidden them somewhere on the top shelves where he knows you can’t reach.

Letting out a small huff, you debated with yourself the option of climbing up the counter or admitting defeat and go ask your boyfriend for some help. Luckily, you didn’t have to decide as you heard a familiar voice behind you.

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite scholar” Said Ashton with a light chuckle “What are you doing here? I thought you’d be out tonight since it’s boys night”

You smiled as you let him wrap his arms around you to give you a hug. Ashton was the first friend you made when you moved to LA a couple of years back, he was the one who introduced you to Calum in the first place, and you were very thankful for having him as a best friend.

“I had to finish up some term papers, so I had to reschedule my girl’s night for tomorrow” You explained to the black haired man “And what are you doing here? Need a refill?” You ask, pointing to the empty glass he was holding.

Ashton nodded, “Yeah, but I also needed a time out. Mitchy is kinda being very obnoxious today” He said with a sigh.

Mitchy Collins was a close friend with the boys for many years now, but you can’t say that he is a friend of yours. It’s not like you haven’t tried to befriend the singer, on the contrary, you both had multiple chances to get to know each other but he either ignored you or made things very awkward between you. And, to be honest, you were not that excited to become his friend either. There was something weird about him, a bad vibe per se, that made you not trust him at all. He was always very loud, obnoxious and downright rude sometimes and it made you very uncomfortable. Both Calum and Ashton knew about your uneasiness with Mitchy, so they didn’t push it too far and you were thankful for that.

“Oh?” You asked, trying to mask your discomfort “What is he saying this time?”

“Just a bunch of bullshit, to be honest. He is very high right now and thinks he’s above everyone else” Ashton said, taking a seat on one of the kitchen island stools. You did the same as you offered him a glass of water.

“Are you high right now?” You chuckled.

“Nope. Calum and I decided to stay clean tonight cause tomorrow we start early in the studio and the weed kinda messes up our pipes” He explains.

“What about Luke and Mikey?”

“They are not here yet, they said they needed to finish up something for a song and then they will meet us here” Ashton shrugged, not giving it too much importance “And what about you, darling? How was your day?”

You began to tell Ashton about how you finally finished the semester and how excited you were for your little getaway with Calum next week. However, every couple of minutes you were interrupted by a loud laugh or an obnoxious comment coming from the living room where the rest of the boys were sitting. Sometimes their loud comments started loud conversations that neither of you could help but overhear, but you did your best to ignore them. But some things are easier said than done.

“I’m telling you man! You can do so much better” You heard Mitchy’s voice echoing through the house, followed by a chuckle from Calum who mumbled something among the lines of “Fuck off”

You furrowed your eyebrows as you stopped the conversation you had with Ashton in order to pay attention to what was being said down the hall. You looked at Ash with a confused face, wondering what they could be saying but at the same time not knowing if you should continue listening to their private affairs. You were about to open up your mouth to continue what you were saying until another comment made by Mitchy caught your attention.

“You have to admit she is the worst sometimes. All she does is boss you around like you are some kind of puppet. She is the definition of annoying”

You sat up straight as you looked at Ashton, who mirrored your puzzled expression.

“Is- is he talking about me?” You asked in a whisper.

Ashton shook his head “I don’t thi-”

“I swear! What does she even do besides work and study all the time? She barely has time for you. You said it yourself! And when she’s not doing any of those things? She’s nagging around and clinging to you like you’re a damn purse! That’s who Y/N is”

You froze in the spot. So they were talking about you… and did Calum really say you don’t have time for him? You don’t even get time to yourself and he knows that! He said he was okay with it, that he understood and supported you through and through… Guess not.

“I still don’t know what you saw in her, dude. She’s just plain boring, playing to be a good girl when in reality she has zero personality” He continued his rant “She does nothing for you! Honestly! I’m surprised you made it this far with that bitch”

You knew that wasn’t true. He never really made an effort to get to know you! how could he be saying all those stuff? You did everything for Calum, all your goals, your plans are for the both of you. How could he know that if he never really talked to you? But you had to admit that that first comment really hurt. You were always doubting yourself at the beginning of your relationship with Calum, always feeling like you weren’t good enough, or pretty enough, or smart or fun or hot… To fight off those kinds of feelings was a difficult job to say the least, but Calum was always there to fight them with you, reassuring you that he loved you. He loved every part of you and he will love you forever.

“Is she at least a decent fuck? Cause I don’t see her doing anything remotely interesting in bed” Mitchy laughed “If she’s not she’s just wasting your time”

You noticed how Ashton suddenly stiffened next to you when he heard Mitchy’s comments. His knuckles turned white as he gripped his fists at the side of his body “Okay, that’s enough” But you were quicker, grabbing onto his shirt as a sign to make him stay there with you and not cause a scene.

His eyes found yours and you could see the anger build up on them, you knew that he would defend you no matter what and you loved him for that. But you knew Calum would defend you over there, he wouldn't let him talk about you that way.

“Ash, please” You pleaded, tugging on his shirt for him to take a seat again. But he preferred to stay standing next to you, almost like guarding and shielding you from any other comment that might hurt your feelings.

“I can’t let him talk about you like that!” He hissed. But you just shook your head.

“I know, Ash. I know. But Cal will handle it” You said confidently, trying to keep yourself together.

You knew Calum would not let those comments slide. Even if you weren’t in the room with him, those comments were awful and very hurtful, no one deserves to be treated like that, especially by someone as close as a friend of his.

You waited for his intervention, but your heart crushed when the only thing you heard from him were laughs.

“She’s a good fuck” That’s all he said.

The grip you had on Ashton’s shirt suddenly flattered as you fought the lump in your throat “Y-you said he wasn’t high” You whispered to Ashton, who was just as frozen as you were after hearing his best mate’s comment.

“He’s not” He said, standing tall next to you. As much as he wanted to go in there and give the guys an earful, he knew you needed him here with you.

Out of all the things Mitchy has said, out of all the insults and belitments, that’s what he says? That you’re a good fuck?

You knew that you could be annoying sometimes when you got happy. You just wanted to share that happiness with everyone around you and you thought… you thought that Calum liked that. You were not a bad girlfriend, you always tried your best to make him as happy as he makes you; to love him as much as he loves you, cause he loves you. Doesn’t he?

If he loves you then why is he letting his friend say all of this stuff about you? Why is he not saying anything? Does- does he agree with him?

The tears started rolling silently, half of you not believing what you were hearing while the other half clang to the idea of Calum defending you at some point.

“Oh I know!” Said Mitchy after a while “I can introduce you to someone! Right now, actually. Her name’s Vanessa and she’s crazy hot, dude”

He can’t be serious.

Ashton looked at you with pleading, furious eyes. Almost begging you to go and let him deal with them. But you grabbed his hand and made him stay. This has to be it. This has to be the chance for Calum to say something.

“You’re kidding right?” The curly haired man asked. Making you let out a breath of relief.

“Not at all! Think about it. We go, you meet her, you fuck her and done!” He said like it was nothing “Y/N will never find out cause she’s stuck up her ass. Your fans will never know or they won’t care cause they don’t even know you are in a ”relationship” to begin with! You are single to their eyes. And you get a decent fuck from someone who looks the part and knows how to have fun! It’s a win - win!”

Your heart stopped as you waited for Calum to answer. To tell Mitchy to go fuck himself. To tell him that he loves you and would never do that to you.

“I don’t know, man. I’ll think about it” Calum shrugged “Plus, if we go out I’ll have to tell Y/N. She’s upstairs finishing some shit for her university”

“Fucking hell… see! I told you! A stuck up bitch” Mitchy said, making Calum laugh.

But their laughs and the rest of the conversation grew numb to your ears. Your body trembled as the tears came flooding in, holding in the sobs that were tearing up your throat. How could he? He was really thinking of cheating on you.

You could feel every little piece of your heart shattered as you search for some kind of leverage that could hold you still so you don’t fall and break. You felt ill, disgusted and heartbroken.

As you tried to get up, you felt your knees buckle and almost fell to the ground if it weren’t for Ashton holding you up. He was still there and you knew by the look in his eyes that he was not going anywhere.

He was just as disgusted and angry as you. He couldn’t believe all the things that were said tonight, all the things that Calum failed to make it right and hurt you in the process. He knew that if he were in that room that the conversation would’ve died the moment it started. He would never let them talk about you that way.

“I-I can’t-“ You cried, moments away from hyperventilating “I can’t stay here, Ash”

He nodded, pulling you into a hug and kissing the top of your head for reassurance “Go upstairs, love. Grab your stuff and we’re getting out of here. You’re staying with me tonight, okay?” Ashton let go of you and started walking towards the living room where the rest of the guys were still talking.

“Ash” You called, making him turn around “D-don’t make a scene, please”

He sighed as he muttered a quiet “okay” before turning around, leaving you alone as you went upstairs to grab the bare necessities to spend the night, you’ll figure out the rest later. Right now you just needed to get out of here.

You opened the bedroom door and almost collapsed at the entrance. Duke came running towards you, sensing that there was something wrong as he started to whine and tried to jump into your arms. That only made you cry harder as you realized that you were leaving him too. You fell to the floor and patted the puppy as he tried to wipe off your tears with his tongue, breaking your heart even more.

A loud voice cut you out of your thoughts. You could hear Ashton yelling, although you couldn’t exactly figure out what he was saying. This meant that Calum knew you heard everything and that, if he had at least some decency left in him, he would come and get you. You needed to act fast.

You stood up and grabbed the first big bag that you could find. Inside of it you threw your laptop, your books, your charger, some clothes and some bathroom essentials. You debated on whether or not to take with you a picture of you, Calum and Duke… it was your favorite memory with them. But the damage was stronger than the nostalgia, so you threw that picture to the ground before you left the room that once belonged to you.

You were running down the stairs when you passed Calum running up them. You ignored him as he stopped in his tracks and followed you to the hall.

“Y/N!” He said, desperate to try and stop you “Y/N, baby, please! Hear me out!”

“Hear what?! I already heard enough!” You said as you turned around.

Calum’s face was almost unrecognizable. The fear in his eyes, the desperation in his voice and his close off body language was not something you’d normally see in him. The “I fucked up” expression showed all the regret in the world, yet you didn’t seem to care at the moment.

“I. Heard. All of it, Calum” You cried through gritted teeth, anger boiling inside of you as you stared at the man you thought you’d marry “All of it and not once did I hear you say something to try and defend me. How do you think that made me feel?!”

“Baby-“ He tried, but you cut him off.

“I work my ass off all day and night for you, for us. For me to go and see you on tour like you ask me to, knowing damn well I would go to the ends of this fucking earth for you! Catching up extra classes and shifts so I can go with you. I cancel everything to be with you. I gave up everything for us to be together. I barely even have time for myself as I try my best to be something worthy of you!” Your tears were staining your face, but you pushed away the pain for a moment, knowing that once you break down it’s over “I try my best to be a good girlfriend, a good friend! I loved you with all my heart and this is what I get after almost three years? A good fuck? That 's it?”

Calum’s world fell to the floor as he tried hard to fight off the lump in his throat, whispering in a broken voice “Loved?”

“That’s all you get from it?” You ask defeated “Calum I would’ve never let my friends call you names, insult you or offend you in any way. I would’ve gone to the ends of the world for you, defended you till the day I die. All because I trusted you to do the same for me and you failed me, Calum. You broke me. You let him call me a bitch, a stuck up, worthless, stupid, bossy, annoying… should I go on? Cause those words are now printed in my memory, next to you agreeing to all of those things. Is that what you think of me?”

“Baby, I swear it’s not like that!” He said, grabbing your hand and trying to make you stay “I fucked up! I know! You are right, I failed you and you don’t know how much I hate myself for it! But please, love. You know I could never think of you like that… you are the most wonderful person there is! You are kind, smart, loving, beautiful-“

“Did you cheat on me?” You ask bluntly.

“What?”

“Did you cheat on me?”

“No!” Calum said instantly “No, I would never!”

You nodded “Yet, you thought of it.”

Calum opened his mouth to say something, but you cut him off again “Is that why you never made our relationship public? So you could have a free pass whenever you want to? Cause I thought it was to protect our privacy, for us to have a normal life in the midst of the chaos that is to date a celebrity. When you told all of that I thought “wow, this is a guy with integrity and with values” Yet I don’t know what to believe now. I thought you loved me-“

“I do love you-“

“I thought you loved me” You said, the tears were already dry as the anger came flooding in “But you don’t hurt the people you love. You don’t break them like you did to me. You don’t let anyone hurt them, even if they are not in the room with you. And you don’t cheat on them like you were going to tonight with that girl Vanessa while I waited here like an idiot for you to come home and spend some time with me”

You pull your hand out of his grasp, holding onto your bag as you heard Calum cry “Y/N-“

“You are free to do whatever you want now, Calum. Cause to the eyes of your fans you are single, and I am as well”

You turned around and saw Ashton waiting by the door with his keys in his hand. He opened up the door for you as you walked by, ignoring all of Calum’s pleads for you to stay.

“So you are just going to leave?!” He yelled, not knowing what else to do. “Whe- Where are you taking her Ashton?”

The black haired man made sure that you were already sitting in his car before turning around to face his friend “I’m taking here with me and away from you cause that’s what she needs now. So don’t bother calling or showing up cause you are not welcome right now. And don’t even try to call Luke or Michael cause they already know and we won’t support you on this” Ashton said as calm as he could. He already told him off, but the anger of seeing you cry in front of him still resided in him.

“I- I love her , Ash! You can’t just take her away from me. I’m her boyfriend!”

“Correction, you were her boyfriend. And I can take her away and I will cause she asked me to” He said taking an intimidating step closer to Calum “Cause while you were here talking trash about her behind her back, planning on how to cheat on her. I was back there, holding her while she broke down crying cause she couldn’t believe that her boyfriend didn’t stand up for her and let a fucking stranger insult her all night long! You weren’t there to see her eyes water or her lip tremble. You weren’t there when she begged me with tears in her eyes to not make a scene cause all she wanted to do was to get out of here. She is the most amazing person ever, she is a light in all of our lives and you extinguished her without a second thought. You might be my friend, but she is too and I love her and I will defend her no matter what, she doesn’t deserve this kind of crap you just showed to her. So don’t count on me to try and help you get her back, I won’t blame her if she doesn’t”

Calum felt small as Ashton walked away from him, closing the door with a bang and leaving him all alone in his big house. Well, almost.

“Dude, that was intense” Mitchy laughed as he placed a hand on Calum’s shoulder “So, wanna go now?”

A blind rage fell over Calum as he heard the mocking laughs of his so-called friend, acting like his life just didn’t fall apart in front of him.

Calum grabbed the singer by the neck of his shirt and pushed him forcefully against the wall “You are going to get out of my house and never come back. You hear me?!” He yelled to his face, almost letting out steam from his nostrils as he was sure he could kill him right now.

“Dude, what’s wrong with yo-“

Calum quickly grabbed a bottle from his nearby mini bar, suddenly gaining all the courage he should’ve had hours ago, and throwed it to Mitchy’s feet, making him jump “Get the fuck out!” He yelled, grabbing bottle after bottle, glass after glass and throwing them into the ground “OUT!”

Only when the last bottle was smashed into pieces did he realize he was completely alone.

And only then did he allow himself to cry for the loss of the love of his life, walking away from him and leaving him to pick up the pieces of two broken hearts.

part 2

Tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @talksoprettyjjx @mystic-232

[glassartpeasants]

Dead to Me

Neito Monoma x Reader

Warnings: Angst, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, this gets dark so read at your own risk guys

A/N: Like i said this is one of the darker things iv’e wrote on this so blog so far. Not for the faint of heart.

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You sat in the cafeteria looking across the head of your fellow classmates to see your boyfriend Monoma sitting with his own class. You tried to catch his attention but it proved to be a failure.

“Well that didnt work...” You saw with a grumpy look on your face.

“Man how did you even end up dating him (y/n)? He’s an asshole to the entire Class of 1A!” Your friend Mina said as she gave you a little pout.

“I dont know he just ended up asking me out and now we’re dating!” You said happily. Even though Monoma could be a bit much sometimes you still loved him with your entire being.

You turn your head again to see to bright baby blue eyes looking at you. You smile and wave at him waiting for him to wave back. You hand slowly went down as you saw him laughing and pointing at you. 

You never head good self esteem so your mind immediately went to thinking that he was making fun of you. Your cheeky smile turning into a small frown as you glanced again to see him still laughing.

‘Maybe he’s just laughing at someone else?’ You thought to yourself, trying to convince your mind that he wouldnt make fun of you. He loved you...

Right?

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A few days after the cafeteria incident you had begun to notice that Monoma was starting to hang out with you less and less. You wanted to ask him about it but you didnt want to be seen as clingy. So you just suffered in silence as you watched him slowly drift away from you. Your head sending you all the signals to ask him, but your heart wanted to believe that there was a good reason to why he was doing it.

You were walking towards the 1A Class when some upperclassman decided it would be funny to pick on you.

“Wow would you look at this little baby! How did someone so usless get into a school such as UA?” Him and his buddies only laughed as you try to stutter out an insult. You turn your head towards the door and see Monoma walking out, you tried to get his attention, which worked this time but instead of helping you he only turned his head and walked towards his classroom. You turn your gaze back to the upperclassman before getting a quick slap to the face by one of them.

“Speak when spoken to bitch.”

================================================

The bullying from the upperclassman had started to really take a toll on your mental health. You would try to do anything in your power to avoid them but they always found you. You wanted to tell the teachers but you were afraid they would believe you. They planted that thought in your brain as you slowly believed them.

You begged Monoma to walk you to class, hoping if he saw the fear in your eyes he would listen. Much to your dismay he didn’t.

You would always come to class with some sort of new bruise on your body. Everyone started to worry about you, they slowly started to think Monoma was abusing you. Which you said wasn’t the case. When asked who did it, you tensed up and froze in fear, worrying that they may be near.

You finally told someone about it when you were hanging out with Jirou. She had asked you what was going and you finally told her what was happening. And everything that has been happening with Monoma. She looked at you and gave you a nice bone crushing hug as she asked you why you didnt tell anyone.

“I was afraid they wouldn’t believe me..”

“Oh (v/n)...were going to report them. Im not standing by and watch as you get hurt!”

================================================

A few weeks have passed since then and things were finally starting to be looking up! The upperclassmen who were bullying you had gotten expelled since, ‘bullying is not what hero’s do’. You were finally able to walk the halls with being in constant fear again. Your mental health still wasnt at its peak but it was slowly getting better!

But only one more thing still wasn’t looking brighter. And that was your relationship with Monoma. He kept on acting the same way, maybe even worse then before! As much as you hated the feeling you had started to grow bitter. Why was he ignoring you? What did you do to make him pissed at you?

You finally swallowed your anxiety and went up to talk to him. Taking a deep breath as you went up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. You were the only one’s in the hallway.

“Hey Monoma..did i..did i do something wrong?” You said trying to sound confident.

“What do you mean?” He asked. You sense a hint of smugness in his voice.

“Like you’ve been ignoring me all this week...what happened i thought we were doing-”

“Ah ah ah ah, im going to stop your right there. You see my dear our little ‘relationship’ was all but a dare.” Your eyes widen as sadness washed over you like a tidal wave. That couldn’t be tu\rue he said that he had loved you..was it all just a lie?

“W-what? B-b-but i thought y-you-”

“Well you thought wrong dear (y/n).” A snicker after his words. Your eyes swelled up with tears before pushing away from Monoma and running back to the dorms. Not caring if you missed class.

================================================

You sat in your dorm, crying your soul out. You had loved him and told him secrets that no one else knew. You thought he truly loved you. The more you thought about it the more it hurt. You felt like your whole world came crashing down. Your tears burning your face as they kept coming.

Ding!

You looked down at your phone to see a text from Kirishima asking why you weren’t in class today. You could see the text message with it counting as reading it. You have to click on the app to do that. You throw your phone to the other side of your bed before laying back down and crying some more.

Once you woke up from your nap, the thoughts came rushing back again. What if they were just like Monoma? What if they were only your friends because of a dare too? 

All those thoughts running through your head at inhumane speeds, until one stayed still.

What if you just ended it?

Your heart stopped at the thought. Why would your brain even think about that? But no matter how hard you tried to forget the said thought more and more voices plowed there way through your head filling it with horrible thoughts. Slowly picking at your insecurities. Feasting on your every flaw. You slowly get up from your tear stained bed. And you look at yourself in the mirror.

Fat

Ugly

Worthless

All but a dare

The last thought hit you like a brick as you fall to the floor with your head in your knees.

Your quirk was called Frost. You pretty much had the power to manipulate Frost. Meaning everything you touched would become covered in an a sheet of ice. That why you had to wear gloves, kinda like Shigaraki you needed to have all five fingers on said target for your power to work.

You just stared at your hand, tracing over every curve and looking at it with deep intensity. Before you could do anything else you put all five fingers on your ankle, causing your ankle begin to have a sheet of ice covering it. The frost started to quickly spread around your body and onto the floor. You head you head in your knees as you felt your body heat lower, the Ice completely claiming your body as one. A single tear slipped down your face before your entire body and room was covered in a layer of ice. Your phone buzzing with texts from worried classmates.

================================================

After class had ended practically the entire class of 1A ran to their dorms to find you. You never missed a class. 

As soon as they entire the dorms they all shivered. It had to be below zero in there. As they hugged themselves tightly they walked up to your room. As the tried to knock and upon the door they had realized the handle had been frozen solid. Bakugo having enough time worrying blasted the door open with his quirk. Everyone gasped as they saw your frozen form on the other side of the wall. They were quick to grab you out of the ice and bring you to Mr. Aizawa.

Once they reached him, he asked what happened. Which they all replied with i dont know. You were quickly taken to the nearest hospital everyone doing their best to thaw you out of your frozen cocoon.

Once at the hospital your body had been completely thawed out and was ready to be put in EC unit. You body temp was so low that they put every heater they had in the room.

The nurse looked at the class and told them that if they were a minute later you would have died from hypothermia.

================================================

Monoma walked into school the next and was met with angry and ugly looks the entire time.

‘They hell did i do?’ He thought to himself. You never once crossed his mind. 

Liar

After he said those things to you the look of betrayal and sadness in your eyes shot a spike of guilt through his chest. Before he could say anything you had run out of the building. 

Now here he was the day after you got put in the hospital reciving ugly looks from everyone.

“Hey Kendo do you know what everyone is talking about?” The blonde boy asked his ginger friend.

“Wait, you didnt hear? (y/n) is in the hospital. Apparently they tried to commit suicide. Sad right?” A wave of guilt, sadness, and disgust completely takes over his body.

 How could he live with himself knowing what he did to you? That he made you take that dark path.

News Flash he couldn’t.

The next day the blonde boy walked up the he hospital you resided at and getting ready to see you.

Once he saw your lifeless form he dashed his way to the bed to slowly stroke your hair. Sitting on a chair to get closer to you before hearing you wake up.

You slowly turn to Monoma, your eyes once filled with happiness was now full of hate and disgust.

“What are you doing here?” You snapped at the boy. Disgust evident in your voice.

“i just came to say-” 

“Leave.”

“What?” Your words shushed him as he looked at you with wide eyes was he tried to grab your cheek to make you look at him.

“You heard me leave. I never want to see you again you understand Neito Monoma?” You looked him right in those blue eyes you use to love so much and said something you could never go back on.

“Your dead to me.”

[shihozaki]

TW mention of anxiety

hi!! im so excited for your matchup event and i’ve really liked your writing style so far :) if it’s not too much trouble, i’d like to request a haikyuu male matchup please!! my name is joyce, i’m 17, and i use she/her pronouns. (i’ll message you my appearance and stuff :D )

i’m ISTP-T, a slytherin, and leo. my voice is pretty quiet and i’m just a quiet person overall when i’m around new people (social anxiety goes brr). i love baking, making hyper specific spotify playlists, and reading. i don’t really show my emotions well and i have pretty bad RBF so i usually come off as cold even when i dont mean to according to what my closest friends told me. also my self esteem goes from *i am the sexiest mf to walk this earth* to *im an ugly POS and deserve nothing* with no in between

my love language is anything tbh but especially gift giving and physical touch, even though i’m terrified of initiating it bc i didn’t really grow up in an affectionate household and i think i might be touchstarved :/. quality time is also nice since i’m completely down to just sit in comfortable silence with them, spending time together

in an SO, the most important thing is that they need to understand sometimes i just need time to myself. i’m not mad at them at all but i tend to isolate myself whenever my mental health deteriorates and i sometimes go a few days without contacting people simply bc i don’t have the energy to do so. whenever it does deteriorate, it’s usually because i just feel really down out of nowhere and it lasts 12 hours to a week.

i don’t really mesh well with clingy or unloyal people. i feel like i’d be okay if my SO focused on volleyball a lot bc i respect that they need time to work on their own things, so i wouldn’t say i’m necessarily needy in relationships. an ideal first date to me is going to an amusement park. i LIVE for the adrenaline roller coasters give me and i just think everything about it is super fun. plus it minimizes the chance for awkwardness bc there’s so much to do :D (i’m kinda awkward around people i don’t click with so uh yeah)

my favorite relationship dynamic is light hearted bullying. making fun of people and getting made fun of (with love ofc) is definitely a love language, and i’m not taking criticism <3 but i still want to be able to talk to them about serious stuff so knowing that i can wholeheartedly trust them is big for me

my athleticism is close to zero so in the HQ universe i’d probably be a manager. actually, i would give ANYTHING to be able to manage a team in haikyuu so rip 😔🤚

other facts:

i have a huge caffeine addiction bc i’m usually tired/sleep deprived (monster energy, coffee, whatever)

i also just love coffee in general (the aesthetic, the smell, everything is *chefs kiss*)

i’m more of a cat person but i still think dogs are so cool

my relationship w my parents SUCK so bad

i’m 90% book smart (my one flex is being good at math) and 10% street smart/common sense

even though i can bake well, i can’t cook for sh*t unless it’s avocado toast which i can make surprisingly well

i can be eliminated by a single peanut

Big Anxiety bc the only way i could get approval from my parents growing up was straight As and now my biggest fear is being unsuccessful 😎

artists i’m obsessed w right now are cigarettes after sex, chase atlantic, lil peep, the 1975, arctic monkeys, conan gray, and lana del rey

i love wearing my SO’s clothing and all of a sudden, their closet is now ~Our Closet~

thank you so much for doing this, and i look forward to the progress you’ll make in writing and whatever else you choose to set your mind to <3

Hi! Thank you for requesting! I’m also a Slutherin and a Leo, happy to meet you :)

I pair you up with Tooru Oikawa!

- You guys first met when you signed up to be your school’s volleyball team’s manager. Oikawa was immediately intrigued. A girl who doesn’t immediately faint when he waves at them? Wow.

- When he first made you smile, he KNEW he had to ask you out.

- First date at the amusement park, just like you suggested. Oikawa was a bit shocked that you enjoyed rollercoasters but that just made him more interested in you.

- Since he is the captain of his Volleyball team, and quite obsessed with the sport, he is willing to give you lots of time for yourself. He does check on you from time to time though, maybe by texting or giving a call :)

- Never makes you uncomfortable. He knows how you don’t do well in social situations, so he didn’t even tell his volleyball mates that you had started dating (of course they somehow found out later)

- Teases you SO. MUCH. Always makes some type of remark about your height and how much you drink coffee (even though he buys you coffee for Volleyball practice)

- He can always make you smile. He brings out the “Leo” side of you often, and raises your confidence up. In return, you help him with the “book smarts.”

- You guys trust one another and understand each other well. Even if you guys have a “silent date” (where you are reading and he’s watching videos of volleyball matches), you don’t feel any awkwardness.

- He hates it when your self esteem is low. He doesn’t understand how such an amazing girl could feel that way.

- Oikawa’s self esteem is sometimes kind of low too, so whenever you give him a motivational playlist on Spotify, he listens to it on repeat.

- Overall you guys bring out the best out of each other :)))

Scenario: When you guys talk about the future.

“We could get a cat.” You suggested. “A cat?” Oikawa quickly wrote down ‘cat’ on the list named ‘our future’. “We need a name.” You claimed. Oikawa shrugged. “How about… ‘Peanuts’.” “No.” Oikawa laughed. “I think it would be ironic. It’s a cute name too.” You rolled your eyes. “Okay, let’s scratch that then. What about our jobs?” You asked. “Quite obvious. I want to be a professional volleyball player.” Replied Oikawa. He grabbed the pillow from the couch and pretended to set it, acting as if it was a volleyball. “Yeah… I believe you can do it.” You smiled at Oikawa. Oikawa’s eyes met yours. “What about you, Joyce?” He questioned. You stayed silent for a bit. “.. I’m not too sure. I just don’t want to make a mistake and choose the wrong career, you know? I don’t want to fail.” You mumbled. Oikawa slowly moved towards you and pulled you into his arms. You immediately relaxed on him, your heartbeat going slightly bit faster. “You won’t.” Oikawa declared. “I’m sure no matter what you do, you’ll be great. There’s so many things to choose from, Babe. You’re gonna be okay.” You smiled. “Besides,” Oikawa added with a smirk on his face, “You might not need a job if you have me as your husband.”

Song: Campus by Vampire Weekend

I hope you enjoyed it, thank you once again! Constructive criticism is encouraged :) I hope to see you again soon!

[timetraveller29]

At Last

A Doctor Who fanfiction for #WhouffleWeek2020

Day 4 - Coat, outerwear / Food

Featuring the Thirteenth Doctor and Clara

The Doctor was working on a problem that had plagued her for not just days but weeks now. She danced around the console, from tweaking measurements one side to dials on the other, glanced at the displays, grimaced, then changed something yet again. It was proving difficult at the very least. She stopped and exhaled.

Maybe she should stop bothering about it.

But she couldn't help it.

It was so hard to be alone! And she adored her new TARDIS team, sure, but they didn’t know her. They didn't understand the darkness of her past, and if they knew, they'd probably leave her... just like so many companions had left her. And then there were others she had left behind...

The Doctor missed all of her friends with a burning constancy. Bill Potts, Missy, even Nardole! And she knew it was foolish to hope to find any of them, but there was a slight possibility that there was one person she could meet.

On second thought? Maybe it did make sense to give up.

She turned around slowly, boredly, expecting to see that same result she’d grown used to... null. Nothing. Zero. A blank space, and then she’d have to start all over again with a new plan...

Wait!

A wild, crazy grin grew on her entire face, a grin that popped at the eyes and wrinkled her nose.

“Yes,” she whispered. Then, louder and louder: “Yes, yesss, YESSS!”

And she prepared the TARDIS, pressing a number of buttons, turning dials, entering coordinates, until she finally gripped the lever in her hand. At last, long last! She felt the power course through her veins as she held off for a mere second, relishing what she was about to do. And down went the lever with a satisfying, resounding thrum from the engines...

She was off.

“So! Where to, next?” Ashildr said, in a distant and second-hand set of dimensions.

The room was white and blaring. They hadn’t been able to change the desktop theme yet. The manual hadn’t been particularly helpful, and it made Clara understand why most of the time the Doctor preferred to steer through trial and error...

“I don’t know,” she said to her, standing up and staring at the vision screens. One of them showed a rolling peach coloured ocean at a pearly white coast, one of the most gorgeous planets they’d visited in their travels. They didn’t get into nearly as much trouble as the Doctor would, though. That was heartening, what with her delicate... health... She placed a hand on her wrist, subconsciously looking for a pulse again. It had become a bad habit. She noticed, and scratched her ear instead. “Maybe we’ll just... Stay here for a while... We could just have a stroll, look at the view, and have a swim in the eveneing! Who knows what we'll find? And we could always leave the next adventure till tomorrow.”

Ashildr was unconcerned. “Sure, whatever you want.” She sat down on a chair and propped her feet on a footrest, both silver as the floor designs, with a journal on her lap.

Clara rolled her eyes. Her companion could be really unenthusiastic sometimes. Well, what she thought of as her companion.

“Right,” she said, “I’ll be out in reception if you need me... I’m gonna finish up some of that banana icecream from the pantry...”

“You know that eating is probably not recommended in your case, right?”

“It helps me think, okay? And so what if I don’t have a metabolism anymore, I still have senses!”

“Okay,” she said, holding up her hands in a concilliatory fashion, knowing it was a touchy subject. “Okay, go ahead.” And she went back to writing.

Clara glanced at the screen again. “What -?” She flipped her head around at Ashildr, then back again. “Do you –”

“I see it.”

“Should I -?”

“Go! Find out.”

She put her journal aside and stood to observe the second screen, the one that had changed. Her companion dashed inside to change into her waitress uniform. Well, what she thought of as her companion.

Meanwhile, the figure on the screen moved to the counter and sat down.

“Hey!” Clara said to her with a smile, entering the main hall of the diner at last.

It was like water bursting out of the ground in a barren desert. The Doctor looked at her, and everything came alive, fervently and insistently: the Ice Warrior in the submarine, the mummy on the Orient Express, the portrait of her in Time Lord Hell where it hung for billions of years, and the dazzling euphoria of bringing her back on Gallifrey... It filled her heart, and there was only one thing to be said...

“Doctor,” Clara said nodding at her confidently, interrupting her train of thought.

She raised her eyebrows, impressed.

“You recognised me! Clara Oswald, ever full of surprises.”

Clara grinned. “As are you!” she countered. “Where did you find your memories? Guess that Neural Block didn’t work on you for too long, eh?”

“Nah,” she said, broadening her shoulders. “It’ll take more than that to get you out of my head, Clara Oswald! Although I did have a lot of help... Tell me," she said, remembering her point, "how are you? I'm so sorry I couldn't help you more last time, that I –"

"Don't! Don't apologise," Clara shook her head, her ponytail bouncing with it. She looked serious. "You were so amazing, Doctor. This? Me being here, talking? That's all you! So don't ruin the effect by being humble. It doesn't suit you."

The Doctor closed her mouth. Oh, yeah. That's who she had been, after all: proud and entitled. And Clara was the same. Neither her past self nor Clara had ever dealt well with raw emotion. Good reminder; something she would have to work on this time around.

"No matter," she said. "So, go on," she added, raising her tempo to something more cheerful, "Clara, the Time Traveller! Have you travelled much? I see you've picked a scenic spot to park yourself. The vagabond life treatin’ you well?”

“I’ve had some okay adventures,” she shrugged. “Nothing too crazy, thanks to your esteemed absence.”

“Hah! Well, I’m glad you’re taking care...”

“And nice look, by the way!”

“Thank you! I was wondering if it suited me... Brand new face and all!”

“I love your new coat! Very Doctor-y.”

“Oh yeah? I thought you might approveñ”

“It’s gorgeous... On the other hand, the colours? Yellow suspenders? I can see there that you’ve started to call back the... ahem!... fez-like... fashion choices...” Clara read the growing offense on the Doctor's face and popped herself underneath the counter to hide –

“What's wrong with yellow? Plus! Fezzes! Are cool!”

She jumped out of her seat and began to lean across to get a glimpse of Clara and where she was hiding.

“No they’re not!” she teased. “Fezzes have never been cool, and neither are bowties! Come on, it's a new face isn't it, grow some new taste!”

“How dare you! You know I never criticised you for the way you –”

“Oh? Oh yeah?” She popped up from the opposite end of the long table, holding some plastic jars in her arms. “She’s got a face so wide she needs three mirrors!” she said trying to do a deep, gruff voice. The Doctor scrambled over the counter and raced to catch her, but Clara slipped open a door and locked her on the staff-only side. “Oh! Stay there,” she giggled, “stay there, or I’ll call in security!”

“Clara, let me out! – and I only said that because it’s true! What did you need three mirrors for?!”

“It helps to make sure my makeup is even! You know, the face colouring you never understood!”

“Well, I do now!” she lunged her arms forward to get at the latch and escape from her trap behind the counter but Clara slapped her away and raised up her hand, balancing jars dangerously with the other.

“Peace,” she called. “Peace offering! Doctor! Look, I’ve got banana icecream!”

The Doctor dropped her arms at that and rolled her eyes at Clara, who was comically supporting the jars between one arm and knee. Then she chuckled and gave her a warm smile, one that reminded Clara of the way the Doctor would look at her in a earlier, simpler times... “All right,” she said, leaning her elbows on the counter and raising her eyebrows. “Okay, we'll let it rest. Just for the banana icecream... Bananas are good.”

“That,” Clara said, settling herself on a stool and setting the ice cream between them, “That, we can agree on...”

The Doctor reached into a drawer to produce some spoons, her heart swelling. It was a strange thing, but it was so refreshing to be around Clara again, to be surprised, to be challenged, even criticised... to be known.

When the universe turns you upside down, there's nothing that can bring you back on your head like an old friend.

... All the while, Ashildr watched them and gave a heavy sigh.

She disabled the audio and stepped away.

It wouldn’t last, she knew. Even with her memories back, the Doctor would have to leave Clara once and for all. The girl was on the final thread of her life, maybe streached out a bit longer, but final nonetheless. There would have to be a goodbye, a difficult one, and simple comfort food wasn’t going to help either of them with that...

Still. At least it happened.

She turned a page of her journal, thinking.

Perhaps, in some cases, it’s better to focus on the good times you’ve had with someone, even the fleeting ones, instead of the pain they leave behind. Perhaps temporary happiness does beat permanent indifference.

Well... for mortals, at any rate.

She glanced up from her chair from time to time as they conversed, gesturing animatedly at each other, as the day wore on. Clara seemed to have forgotten about her plan to go swimming. She was so happy just talking to the Doctor, did she dare interrupt?

No. She smiled. This was what Clara had been waiting for. She'd let her have one day to herself, one day pretending to be alive and with the Doctor, at last.

[toastie-the-know]

The canon bases of RudeAggro!Felix and Apologetic!Dimitri

(Since I actually spent an entire evening doing this, I’m posting it because I don’t want to feel I “lost” all that time haha! I sort of do this kind of stuff for work sometimes, so this is clearly the sad fate of a person who can’t leave their work at work and brings it into their hobbies 😂 )

I’ve read a lot of Dmlx fic (in English), and have seen a lot of art, and there’s a trend I’ve noticed in the characterisations of both Felix and Dimitri that stands out to me: Rude and aggressive Felix, and Apologetic Dimitri. More specifically, Felix being rude/aggressive to Dimitri, and Dimitri apologising to Felix. The characterisations stand out to me only because my hc characterisations are more like “tsundere” Felix, and polite Dimitri. There’s obviously an overlap between “rude/aggressive” and “tsundere”, as well as “apologising” and “polite”, but they are not the same thing, at least from the part of the world I come from (I played with the JP audio on English text). I wanted to figure out if I was missing something from canon, so decided to take a short dive and check out the source material.

This meta isn’t an attack on people’s preferences. Creators of fan works depict characters in a variety of ways for personal reasons, and it’s no one’s business to pass judgement on that. I’m not trying to legitimise my hc, or delegitimise othere people’s hc. All I want to know is whether there is  strong canon basis for the characterisations, which I might have missed. I’m also not saying that “unless a characterisation is based off canon 100% it’s not legit”.  I don’t believe in that statement. Looking at canon is one way for me to see whether the “RudeAggro Felix”, “Apologetic Dimitri” is more a case of creator extrapolation, or based off something very clearly there in the canon.

So I’m gonna look at three bits of text. 1) The words and expressions used in the support conversations, both JP and EN 2) The tone in the voice acting, both JP and EN in the support conversations, and 3) Dimitri and Felix’s lines in Azure Moon route chapters + in the monastery, but only in the JP (it was easier for me to search the JP text quickly, more effort required for the EN). Of course there’s more you can glean about their characters from other supports etc, but I don’t have that much free time… 

Heads up I’m a bilingual and bicultural Japanese/Aussie (have lived in both countries), so I’m pretty confident in my interpretations of the JP text and audio.

Rude and Aggressive Felix

There’s a lot of canon for this characterisation to be based on. Listing the words and expressions Felix uses when talking to Dimitri is pretty aggressive, and is meant to be demeaning if we take it at face value.

Felix insults/expressions of aggression 

Support C

その気味の悪い笑顔で話しかけるな。/ Go away. (I would add “Don’t talk to me with that creepy/spooky/grotesque smile of yours.”)

見ているだけで胸糞悪くなる。/ Just looking at your face makes me wanna retch 黙れ。獣は獣らしくしていろ。/ Shut up. And stop walking around on your hind legs. 獣 / beast 猪 / wild boar ならばさっさと失せろ、邪魔だ。話しかけるな、この化け物が。/ Hurry up and get out of my sight.  I don’t make a habit of talking to beasts.

Support B

猪 / wild boar 貴様 / an aggressive form of addressing “you” in Japanese, although in this sentence it’s not used aggressively 阿呆が。/ Do you take me for a fool?  (I took the Japanese more along the lines of “Are you stupid?”) 腹立たしい……。/Looking at your face is making me angry (No JP equivalent) / Farewell, Your Beastliness.

Support A

獣 / beast (but used in the context of the “the face of a beast vs the face of a man” line) 手が滑って斬りつけないうちに、答えろ。Answer quickly before my hand slips and I cut you in half お前の辛気臭い顔が、癇に障って仕方なかっただけだ / I couldn’t stand the pathetic look on your face.

Stepping out of the Dimitri/Felix support conversations for a bit, we know from Felix’s other interaction he is also rude and aggressive. Calling Dedue “dog” is probably the rudest and most demeaning example we have. Telling Ingrid to go and get married is also pretty rude. So overall we have a lot of evidence that Felix is ok with being abrasive, at best. Intentionally hurtful and malicious at the worst.

So Felix is rude to Dimitri in their support conversations, but the rudeness lessens as the support levels increase.  As you can see from the list above, the number of expressions of aggression go down between conversations C and A. Felix doesn’t call Dimitri “boar” once in the A support conversation. The last line “癇に障って仕方なかっただけだ / I couldn’t stand the pathetic look on your face” is a bit tricky, since I think there’s a bit of a divergence between the JP acting and EN acting. The JP is very clearly a "tsundere" intonation, meaning there’s a vibe of “I care but am too embarrassed to admit it”. The EN was a lot less obviously for me, so if you only got the EN there’s a chance that Felix’s  “I couldn’t stand the pathetic look on your face” comes across at face value - an actual insult.

Outside the support conversations, Felix uses the words “boar/beast” to describe Dimitri specifically quite often. But the intention behind the use seems to change (from an attack on one’s character to a nickname). Looking at the AM route, lines within each chapter + in the monastery phase, we find he uses the words ten times in total. That’s a descent amount, considering the number of lines he probably has overall (I’m not that dedicated to count all his lines… proper methodology would want me to do that though…). The last two times he uses “boar” it seems more of a nickname rather than as a way to attack Dimitri’s person.

A surprise find was that Dimitri uses “beast” five times overall , in the same contexts that I checked for Felix’s use (AM route, lines within each chapter + in the monastery phase in JP). In all cases he is describing either Imperial soldiers, or the baddies at Remier village. Never in reference to himself (which I thought might come up, but didn’t).So 

TLDR; There is canon basis of Felix being rude to Dimitri, but it looks like he mellows out a lot by the end of the game.  The JP flags the “tsundere” vibes a lot more than the English.

Apologetic Dimitri

I’m gonna start with the numbers from the chapters + monastery sections first, because these are the bits that clearly form the canon basis of “apologising Dimitri”. But with some interesting twists!

As a quick and dirty measure, I searched for the characters 謝 (to catch 謝る、謝罪 etc), 悪 (to catch 悪いな、悪かった), and すまない. I didn’t search for ごめん/ごめんなさい (gomen/gomennasai) bc I bet you three cups of coffee that you won’t find Dimitri using this expression.  ごめん/ごめんなさい is more typical of children and women, or super casual. So Edelgard and Claude might use these, but not Dimitri.  

Dimitri apologise a ton in the chapters and monastery sections. For all three words, we have 16 expressions of “sorry” from Dimitri. For comparison, I just checked the first five chapters for Claude. Chapters 1-5 Dimitri apologises 7 times, while Claude apologises once. So yeah, canonically, we find good grounds for Dimitri being a person who apologises often. We’ll see later that in his other supports with Blue Lions characters, he apologies to them also.

Dimitri apologises 6 times after Rodrigue dies in chapter 18. And 4 of these apologies are concerning his behaviour while he was disengaged with the war effort/unwell. These kind of feel a bit different to the “sorry to inconvenience you” type apologies that are more typical of his sorries (see list below)

To Byleth: 4, for being boring (1), for making a weird request (1), for Byleth helping out (2) To Edelgard: 2, once about making Edelgard feel bad bc she thought he was underestimating her, and once about the poor choice of gift he gave her during their childhood. To Lonato: 2, for the general badness of the situation To Claude: 1, (but unclear to me what exactly he’s apologising about) To Dedue: 1, for surprising him To Mercedes: 1 (need to check again To a Kingdom soldier: 1, because the soldier was looking for him To Lonato’s soldier: 1, for the general badness of the situation

Most of these apologies are of the “sorry for being an inconvenience” type. This could be interpreted in a variety of ways ranging from just being polite right through to low self-esteem. Whatever the construal, it does seem objectively that Dimitri says “sorry” a lot more than other male characters who might have as many lines.

Dimitri and apologising to Felix

Dimitri apologising to Felix, we have exactly one example in the chapter conversations. In chapter 18, Dimitri says to Felix “I have no words to apologise adequately” or something along those lines, regarding Rodrigue’s death. (And shortly after, Felix addressed Dimitri by name).

We have zero cases of Dimitri apologising to Felix in the support conversations. For a quick comparison in his other support conversations, Dimitri apologises to Ashe once, Sylvain once, Ingrid once, Annette twice, Mercedes three times (but the expressions he uses are different to the three I mention earlier). Interestingly, Dimitri also doesn’t apologise to Dedue.

These numbers might just be reflecting the fact that Dimitri and Felix’s support conversations aren’t really topics where apologies would be made. Dimitri and Felix’s support conversations aren’t about burdening each other, being a nuisance, or supporting each other. Their support conversations are actually about Felix coming to terms with Dimitri’s dual nature, while Dimitri himself seems seems unbothered by it.  (The only place in canon we really see Dimitri using his words to express remorse and discomfort over his dual nature seems to  be his A+ support with Mercedes).

Dimitri’s responses to Felix’s rudeness in support C are more like indirect affirmations of Felix’s characterisations of him (“A beast craving blood, am I? I assume you’re speaking of the events two years ago”, “I deny nothing, Felix.”, “Perhaps you’re right.”). Maybe a little bit resigned. There are a handful of sad-faces. It actually seems to me that Dimitri is in general agreement with Felix.

In support B, Dimitri is unbothered by Felix’s abrasiveness. When Felix gives him a hard time, Dimitri tends to push back (“As though I would be careless with something so valuable.”, “Come now, that was so long ago!”).  In this entire exchange it’s only Felix who is bothered by something, while Dimitri seems quite oblivious to Felix’s turmoil. The final line in this support is Dimitri saying “What is going on with him…”

Support A Dimitri is quite assertive of himself  (“ Do not waste your breath on questions with such obvious answers / 当たり前のことを聞くな”, “ You are wrong/ ……違う”), still a it resigned (“Always so ominous / お前はいつも物騒だな。”), but unlike supports A and B, showing awareness of Felix’s internal state, and thanks Felix.

Dimitri seems generally unbothered by Felix giving him a hard time, and Dimitri does not apologise for his character. Dimitri seemed ok with his dual nature, while it was Felix who was more bothered by it. But by the end of the game, if support A is reached, Felix also comes around to accept the dual nature. Dimitri and Felix aren’t really in an “apologise to each other” relationship, because it seems from Dimitri’s POV, there is nothing about himself that he needs to apologise to Felix for.

So TLDR

There is good canon basis for rude/aggro Felix. There is good canon basis for apologetic Dimitri. Dimitri apologises a lot in canon, but not really Felix. The one time he apologises is concerning Rodrigue’s death. But given that Dimitri does apologise to people often for inconveniencing them, it’s not hard to imagine how Dimitri would apologise to Felix for inconveniencing him in some way.

So I don’t think I missed anything in canon, but fan creators extrapolate these canon bases into various directions. Which is cool! Because isn’t that the fun of doing fan works!

The end.

Links out: JP Text, EN Text

[timdrakegeocities]

hate the path im taking with my evening, hatereading peyton and following a link to an andrea long chu essay and then getting emotional about it, but

I am being tendentious, dear reader, because I am trying to tell you something that few of us dare to talk about, especially in public, especially when we are trying to feel political: not the fact, boringly obvious to those of us living it, that many trans women wish they were cis women, but the darker, more difficult fact that many trans women wish they were women, period. This is most emphatically not something trans women are supposed to want. The grammar of contemporary trans activism does not brook the subjunctive. Trans women are women, we are chided with silky condescension, as if we have all confused ourselves with Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, as if we were all simply trapped in the wrong politics, as if the cure for dysphoria were wokeness. How can you want to be something you already are? Desire implies deficiency; want implies want. To admit that what makes women like me transsexual is not identity but desire is to admit just how much of transition takes place in the waiting rooms of wanting things, to admit that your breasts may never come in, your voice may never pass, your parents may never call back.

Call this the romance of disappointment. You want something. You have found an object that will give you what you want. This object is a person, or a politics, or an art form, or a blouse that fits. You attach yourself to this object, follow it around, carry it with you, watch it on TV. One day, you tell yourself, it will give you what you want. Then, one day, it doesn’t. Now it dawns on you that your object will probably never give you what you want. But this is not what’s disappointing, not really. What’s disappointing is what happens next: nothing. You keep your object. You continue to follow it around, stash it in a drawer, water it, tweet at it. It still doesn’t give you what you want—but you knew that. You have had another realization: not getting what you want has very little to do with wanting it. Knowing better usually doesn’t make it better. You don’t want something because wanting it will lead to getting it. You want it because you want it. This is the zero-order disappointment that structures all desire and makes it possible. After all, if you could only want things you were guaranteed to get, you would never be able to want anything at all.

its just like. yknow. spending this year with a semi-forced semi-fortuitous delay on starting t has had me stressing so much about do i really want it and will it really fix anything and like. i know it wont fix anything. i keep justifying it to family like ‘if i Feel Better then i can finally start being In Society and get a job and stuff’ but its laughable actually to claim that someone with so much inherent like, shame, and terror of being looked at, like essentially varying degrees of agoraphobia due to how thoroughly i believe i’m ugly and incompetent and most importantly ugly, will suddenly become confident and normal after undergoing a process that the average citizen genuinely does think is like, disgusting. 

like i do think a good amount of what i process as like, horrible self-esteem, that terror of being looked at, is because of a gender disconnect, like the fact that i feel like people witness me as some kind of inherently Wrong and irritating and pathetic creature has got to be rooted in projecting the incongruence i feel. because literally like... being fat and gaptoothed is not a social death sentence. its not fun but its not as horrific as i feel like it is. most of the time when i look at myself im like, ok whatever could be worse, and the horror just comes from Other people looking because... theyre seeing the wrong thing. but it’s wrong to Me, not objectively to someone else. but like there is no way to know if i’ll actually feel any better when i make changes because then what if i just fixate instead on being considered ugly not by the standard of ‘girl who doesnt try hard enough’ but the standard of ‘unnatural and confusing and gross.’ 

but like... idk what else im supposed to do. i feel like You could at least try it, yknow. its embarrassing to ever admit that i felt more like a girl when i felt like i made a more attractive girl, aka when i was thinner, and a big portion of why i so badly want to be a guy is that guys are allowed to not be thin and oh thats just horrifically unwoke, it’s illegal to have that be your motivation, you need to go to therapy and learn to be a proud curvygirl instead. but like... bro i dont want to. i never had any particular fun thinking of myself as a girl especially because i just didnt feel like there was a difference between me and guys besides in like, individual personality differences, or in a way that different subcultures will find each other corny, not in this like deep-rooted us vs them way. and supposedly you can be cis and not believe in that but it seems um, rare, and i dont want to make that effort. if we get to pick teams then i’m picking ‘effeminate man’ bc thats what i shouldve been. i dont want to have cis guy friends or looked to as an automatic authority in a workplace or be socially obligated to be Brave or Tough or whatever but like, i wanna have a deeper voice and do anal sex in cars parked in the woods so yknow. why not. im not going to Become Happy and participate in society but granted also hey, even if i get even more scared of Having A Job at least maybe i can finally start making irl friends because it wont be so humiliating to try to say ‘i’m a he’ if i actually like, look like one. like... basically... its a choice im making on purpose and i dont have woke academic reasons and im also very scared of making it so ive made 3000 excuses over the past three years for why i cant start yet while also several times genuinely being like ‘i will kill myself if i cant start soon’ and its just like. good to know that that contradiction can be a Thing, like. i dont have to have the right reasons and it doesnt have to solve anything. i just like, want to, when i dont have to worry about justifying it. i wish i was a guy because i think it makes everything i do more exciting so why not just pursue that

[ailuronymy]

Book Club: Tallstar’s Revenge, chpt. 10-18 overview.

Human voices as heard by cats, courtesy of two experts in the field of ailurolinguistics:

"ghghtaa'ppgthannneetltssssa!” - S. 

“Nnghavva'thalpssasann!” - K.

This week we’re discussing this chapter through these nine questions. Please feel welcome to do the same and @ailuronymy + use the tag #ailuronymy writing challenge. Happy reading and I’m looking forward to seeing your feelings about this book.

1. First impressions? 

K. Everyone has many important discussions, that actually hold zero weight at all. Many things happen for absolutely no reason. I'm in pain.

S. REAL.

2. How did you feel reading this section?

S. Emotionally conflicted. There's always some frustration, but there were also moments of genuine joy, which was a very welcome surprise.

K. But for real: pleased to see some genuine growth and goodness from my favourite characters, but so upset at the bad directions taken.

3. What chapter did you find most interesting/moving/effective, and why?

S. I keep forgetting to mark things out by chapter in my notes, but I feel like the time Tallpaw spends with Reena really brought me the most pleasure to read.

K. I think I got the most out of the first half of Chapter Twelve, the Gathering. I loved the back-to-back of Heatherstar making good choices, the new warrior trio jumping around and being sweet, and Dawnstripe Finally Giving Us Some Good Fucking Advice. K. Honorary shout-out to Tallpaw finally telling his dad off in Chapter Eleven though.

S. YES. 

4. What chapter did you find least interesting/effective/most frustrating, and why?

S. Most frustrating is absolutely the aftermath of both Brackenwing's death and later Sandgorse's. I was not coping with how stupid and unreasonable everyone was being, but in a way that felt entirely manufactured, and not actual grief.

K. Chapter Eighteen pissed me off to see Tallpaw be taken in such a tangent. Like, everyone else I can kind of ignore because I wasn't expecting Windclan to be very good about any of it since Erin's doing her bullshit.  K. But Tallpaw.... I was hoping Tallpaw would be better.

5. Is there a passage that stuck in your mind–for good, or not-so-good reasons? What is it, and why did it stand out? Try breaking it down and analysing what this passage does and how.

S. I really loved Dawnstripe's conversation with Tallpaw. That stood out to me as basically unique in Erin Hunter's writing so far, especially in this book.

K. “Tallpaw stiffened. Did Sandgorse think he’d change his mind about becoming a moor runner now that he’d been underground?” K. I loved seeing him just finally Snap. K. Not to mention the very real young gay feeling of having that dread in your stomach, of going "Oh no, am I going to have to keep this up?"

6. Have your feelings changed towards any character in this next section? What caused this change?

K. Sandgorse lost all rights! K. Can't believe I almost liked him for a second, the hope for an okay dad got me there.

S. It’s okay. I was too jaded to be taken in, but your optimism isn't a weakness. S. I hate their relationship and I Love that Sandgorse died but God I Hate Tallpaw's reaction to that so much. It's so jarring and feels way off from reality.

K. Also: I would die for Doespring/Stagleap/Ryestalk, I adore them so much. Same with Reena, she can stay.

S. For me, the biggest change is that I'm losing a lot of affection and attachment to Tallpaw the longer he keeps up this Sandgorse whinge. Like, I was ecstatic when Sandgorse died, but now that Tallpaw's only personality trait is being miserable about Sandgorse, it's really like he never left and I hate that passionately. 

7. How do you feel about pacing in the book so far? Is the story moving too fast, too slow, just right? Why do you feel this way?

S. Way too slow.

K. The pacing is dry and slow and sad. So much of what's happened so far could be condensed and written so much better.

S. You could cut out a solid half of what's written and it'd be a better story. It's all fat right now, where it could be lean and tasty, medium-rare spiced narrative.

8. How do you feel about the visitors in this section? Is it a new element you really like, or does it feel out of place? Share your thoughts on this new development!

K.  From the notes: Okay, I don’t like what’s happening with the visitors and I don’t think they should even be here, but I do think that they seem like fun little people. Like for all intents and purposes the visitors should not exist, but boy am I always glad to see characters I don't hate!

S. Oh, that's so interesting! I actually feel quite positively to the idea of Windclan's regular visitors, and it's definitely something in my canon. I don't like any of how canon's handling it (surprise, surprise) but I like that this idea has been broached, and it feels entirely right to me that Windclan is the one to do it.

K. I don't disagree with you there, I think for me it's just frustrating seeing how the Erins are introducing and handling it that's bugged me. Like, Windclan is on the outskirts of everything and it makes total sense that they'd be much more likely to run into like... farmcats and the like more than other clans. That doesn't bug me. It's just like... literally everything about how they've been set up and how secretive things are and blah blah blah that makes me lose it a little. 

S. Totally. I’m with you. 

9. If you could change one significant moment in this section–a piece of dialogue, an event, a bit of world-building–what would you want to change, and what do you think would be the ramifications of that for the rest of the story?

K. THE CLAN NEEDS TO STEP UP FOR TALLPAW, END OF STORY K. But yeah no, there's lots of shit that needs fixing but DAMN if the clan doesn't need to stand up for Tallpaw and defend and support him. Boy takes SO much blame and he deserves none of it.

S. I honestly wonder how much difference there would be if Palebird had more support/Brackenwing half-adopted Tallpaw (you know, the way queens are said to co-raise kittens but never do). Because this boy is so unloved and his self-esteem comes from feeling totally unwanted and undervalued, so he clamours for Sandgorse's approval because he doesn't get it from Palebird, but Sandgorse rejects him and makes it worse, so Tallpaw is stuck really craving validation and not really having any outlet to develop his sense of self or confidence in his own value and abilities. Obviously Dawnstripe is doing her best, but that's not a substitute for parental neglect and abuse.

K. Dawnstripe: Look at him! You fucked him up, is what you did. He has anxiety!

Final notes:

S. I knew Sandgorse was going to die because it was mentioned in some of the pages I looked at for the story I'm writing. And I thought he was going to be murdered by Sparrow, because that's how all the wikis talked about it.  S. So when he died of his own idiot hubris, I was like, "wait what" and kept waiting for it to be revealed that Sparrow killed him in the tunnel and then made it collapse to cover that up. S. So I thought it was going to be a story of Tallpaw Solves A Murder No-one Will Believe Was Committed. And that... didn't happen. He just got shitty and hateful. K. Tbh that would make more sense and also be leagues cooler than. Any of this S. Yeah! I thought it would be kind of dope and then Talltail would confront Sparrow and be like, "you're not worth it," and be the bigger man or whatever, that whole thing, learn the meaning of friendship or whatever, and go home.   S. Instead! Sparrow didn't do it, so now Tallpaw's just a wreck out of control lashing out at everyone and decides to hunt down someone to kill them for not dying and/or saving his outrageously shitty dad. S. To me, a much more likely story is Tallpaw experiencing guilt because he's relieved that Sandgorse's gone and he's like, 'oh my god I'm a bad person I shouldn't want my dad to be gone.' Like that's a trauma narrative that people who've, you know, experienced significant abuse can actually relate to. K. Not to mention that like. Before Sandgorse dies, his one action is to blame his son for being awful at everything and to pretty much disown him.  K. But YEAH, lets feel Sad for That Guy

K. [Shrewpaw] was bad before and frankly I am beyond tired with him now. S. He has no real narrative purpose, is what peeves me. I know that's a bit highbrow for an Erin Hunter story, but like. You should be thinking about function in a story, especially one for children, because in children's lit., you don't really have the space for excess. You should keep the story trim and clean. S. Giving Erin Hunter more pages, like they do in these super editions, enables their worst habits, which is the fact I don't think they consider function like ever. So you have all this... flabby, pointless dialogue that doesn't move anything forward or reveal any new characterisation.

K. Oh, some other choice notes from the Gathering: K. Stagleap: Hey bro, come see this hot Riverclan babe with me.  Tallpaw, gay: Uhh I’m very interested in the announcements, actually, K. Dawnstripe accidentally playing wingman for her apprentice is coincidentally very funny. “Tallpaw didn’t like the way the young tom was eyeing him—like a hunter assessing prey.” Hmmmmm Okay Buddy, S. I was genuinely so charmed by Stagleap's crush on Shimmerpelt. That felt real and true and I loved it. The rest of the gathering let me down a lot, but like. Erin Hunter gatherings always do. They don't know how to let a scene breathe. K. Stagleap, Ryestalk, and Doespring are so charming. I love when they come onscreen. They inject a lot of cute moments into a very dour book. K. Gatherings are my favourite in concept so I always get SO excited to read them. But they almost always suck.  S. It's wild to me that Erin Hunter is never like, "maybe fun is fun." I do resent it. S. I love the organised chaos of a gathering, and how different it is to literally every other part of warrior life. It's something that I actively have to resist putting in stories, because I always want to do it even when it adds nothing to what I'm telling. It's just so fun to write and to read. S. Literally one of my notes is just "Ahh!!! A Gathering! Finally!" K. Me too!! Mine was "GATHERING TIME, GATHERING TIME, my favourite part of any book!" S. [dabbing frantically because cats are going to hang out under a full moon] K. Like if you were going to let a scene have its moment and play it out, it would be the Gathering. Like I'd love for the announcements to happen and then they all just mingle and enjoy themselves until the moon clouds over. Instead of Announcements, Moon Over, Scene Done, Go Home.  S. Gathering speedrun: if you clip through the deputy, you can skip the personal connection and go right to the leaving while being kind of bored and miserable.

S. [after Sandgorse’s suggestion of hiding from invaders in the tunnels or using them to run away] why. [Raiders are] literally not going to be like, “oh I guess Windclan’s not here and we should go home,” they’ll be like, “great Windclan’s not here, this IS our new home.” Sandgorse talks a big game about not being a coward, but the tunnellers’ solutions are literally only “just hide in a hole” or “run away.” S. I got so mad about that. The tunnellers being like, "we were doing important tunnel business to protect the clan, we could be here to protect the clan," and they get chewed out for that and Sandgorse has the brass balls to be like, "well our tunnels will save lives." S. I'm like, will they? S. Or will you die in one in a pathetic final display of defiant idiot masculinity?

S. That said, something that did chatter my suspension of disbelief like cheap glass: the visitors' names. K. They’re bad.  S. Algernon???? K. ALGERNON K.  ALGIE??? S. "They were named by twolegs" please say psyche S.  I just... cannot believe in a world where a cat hears some word humans repeat at them a lot, and goes, "that's my name, I will introduce myself to other cats using this sound." Instead of like... getting a name from other cats, or picking a name for themselves. Especially if the cat doesn't live with those humans. S. It's more real to me for a cat to be like "oh yeah that's what the humans think my name is, they don't speak cat very well but they're trying," than being like, "I will take that garbled junk as my name." K. I love that so much better. S. I find it so funny that cats would hear human languages basically like cthulhu speech, and be with a friend like, [listens] Human in the garden: ghghtaa'ppgthannneetltssssa! Cat: "hold on, my person is calling, I need to check on them." Cat, returns: "It's fine, they forgot where the door was so I showed them. What were you saying?" K.  Cat: "Are you good?? Do you need assistance?" Human: Nnghavva'thalpssasann! Cat: "Ohh, you want pets. Here, I can give you some chin rubs. You like those? God, you're so stupid and I love that about you." S. Cat: "my humans are so smart, they know about seven words, kind of." S. Cat: "I call that one 'Very Tall Getter of Things From the Shelf' and I call that one 'Cuddles Me Warmly.'"

[hey-hey-chan]

Friend-zoned - Seungmin

❀ Comedy&slightangst

❀ Word Count: 8.7K

❀ Tired of being friend-zoned, Kim Seungmin swears to not let the next girl think of him only as a friend. Unfortunately, his plans start to fall through as a spunky and eccentric girl comes into his life, knocking him on his feet. Will he finally win his crush’s heart or will he be friend-zoned once again?

❀ a/n: YES THIS IS A SPINOFF TO “Fake Boyfriend - Changbin” hehe , this is Seungmin’s life! I brought back the o/c in Fake Boyfriend as well as Changbin too heeheh I hope you guys like this despite this being hecka long :)

P.S. You don’t need to read Fake Boyfriend to understand this fic but it is recommended! :)

❀ ❀ ❀

I stood awkwardly to the side as my best friend, Kyungmi, made out with her boyfriend in the hallway. The two of them had negative zero shame about PDA, which was absolutely disgusting. I was no prude, but I certainly disliked seeing people stick their tongues down each other’s throats. It was horrific.

I coughed loudly to make sure they both knew I was still there. My best friend leaned away with her eyes glazed and starstruck. Her boyfriend, Changbin, aka the biggest asshole with an attitude on campus, smirked at me and shrugged like he did nothing wrong. That prick.

I had supported their relationship, even when they both mutually lied to me, but Changbin was still irritating. I was used to winning every argument, but this boy would start screaming out of nowhere which caused me to go crazy. 

We didn’t get along to say the least.

“Sorry, Seungmin. Got a lil’ carried away there.” The girl smiled shyly at the older boy while he gave her a soft kiss back. 

“Maybe if Seungmin had a girl, he wouldn’t be so uptight.” Changbin closed his locker and nudged me to the side. 

Changbin always, and I mean always, pressured me to get into a relationship. And I would never admit this out loud, but I just wasn’t the type of guy girls wanted to date. I was always friend-zoned left and right which left me no girls to flirt with.

“Yeah, what’s the hold up, Minnie? You are a good-looking dude with charm! Girls should be falling at your feet.” I blushed at the girl’s compliments. 

“Maybe it’s you who we should be setting up on tons of dates.” 

As soon as Changbin said those words, my best friend punched him on the shoulder in excitement. I shuddered. 

“YES! That’s fantastic! Oh please, Seungmin, let us set you up with girls! Please??” The girl whined while tugging on my arm. Changbin smirked at me like he was finally getting his revenge on me. I raised a brow and sighed, knowing I was going to lose this fight. Plus, I was better than my best friend at talking to the opposite sex. If this turned out badly, I would just make more friends. Which would hurt my ego once again, but what can I do about being “best guy friend material”?

“Ok, fine, set it up.” I looked up at the clock in the hallway, eager to get away from the devious couple. “Look, I gotta go, but text me the details I guess.”

“No worries, bro, you’re in good hands.” 

When I looked back, Changbin was giving me a devious smile. I knew he still didn’t forgive me yet for forcing Kyungmi for going on dates she didn’t want to go on, but that was just our dynamic. If she wasn’t up for it, she would’ve told me. 

I gave the boy a glare back and walked into my first class of the day: English.

❀ ❀ ❀

As soon as I plopped down in my chair, I felt another presence plop next to me. 

“Hey, where were you all morning? I was waiting for you.” My other friend, or classmate, or whatever, Yeji, noted. I took off my glasses and wiped them on my shirt for dramatic effect.

“The couple caught up to me again.” Since the two always stuck together, everyone just called them ‘the couple’. Demeaning yet cute at the same time. 

“Ah, as always. I still can’t believe your cute little best friend ended up with... Changbin.” I laughed loudly and nodded. 

“You and me both. I still can’t wrap my mind around it. But, she always had a knack for liking bad boys.” I shrugged. My best friend was constantly reading books about nerd girls ending up with the baddest boy in school. It was rotting her mind obviously.

“Hm, most girls do.” Yeji noted. I examined her cute and sharp features that were now scrunched together. “I’ll admit, even I fall for them sometimes, but the nice guys always win my heart in the end.” I gave her a small smile back as she looked flushed.

Okay, okay, I like this girl. 

She was cute, but intense; shy, yet independent. She was perfect. 

“Hey, are you going to prom?” I asked curiously. It was only the biggest event of junior and senior year. I was always at the event, as it comes with the title of being class president every year.

The girl blushed and looked down. I had enough female friends that I knew what that meant. “Um, I-”

“KIM SEUNGMIN!” I heard a female voice yell my name. I recognized the irritating voice immediately. I smiled tightly at Yeji who was now staring at me with confused eyes. 

I sighed and turned sadly, which now I was staring at a girl who I had always found annoying.

“What, y/n?” 

Y/N. 

She was the typical emo kid in high school. She was annoying, but she really only had a few close friends. She only talked to you if it benefited her and her only. She had dark black hair but it was dyed purple at the tips. Her eyeliner was thick, and no, I don’t makeup shame, but it definitely made her look more like the “rockstar” she claimed to be. She wore all black; black skinny jeans that were ripped everywhere and probably breaking dress code, black long sleeves that hugged her every curve, and even paired her outfit with black Doc Martens. She screamed angst. 

We never got along and we had gone to school since our freshman year of high school. She was the only girl, or person really, in our grade that I never could befriend. 

“Well, today I talked to the principal about my band playing at prom, but they said to ask you, mister president. So, what is it?” 

I rolled my eyes at the girl. “Y/N, I told you, no one wants a live band. Everyone just wants stuff that’s on the radio or whatever.”

“Well, shitty music plays on the radio. And shitty singers. That I can sing better than. So, that’s why you should let me play at prom. Plus, wouldn’t letting us play promote like... school spirit?”

“Yes, a group of angsty teenagers would really boost the moral of the school.” 

That poked the wrong buttons on the girl. She bent down to my level and glared at me. “Really? Stereotyping me now?” She spat. 

I felt myself waver at her intense gaze, but I wouldn’t let myself lean back. “It’s nothing personal.”

She scoffed. “Yeah, because no matter how ‘angsty’ I appear to be, I probably have higher self-esteem than any of these bobble heads.” She raised a brow at the girl sitting next to me, Yeji, which made me feel territorial. 

“Hey, you’re talking to me. You don’t need to drag other people into this.” Yeji shrank back in fear at y/n who was now smiling.

“Aw sorry, I don’t mean to upset the girlfriend.” 

“Oh, you’ve misunderstood, we’re not together.” Yeji answered quickly which sparked sadness in my heart. I tried to not look hurt, but after hearing those words so many times, I was used to them. 

I never understood girls’ needs to shoot down dating someone so quickly. Especially when they’re sitting right next to the accused.

Yeji’s words and my reaction caused y/n’s eyes to flicker with interest. 

“Well, I hope you’ll take my proposition seriously. Bye, Seungmin.” She strutted away with a little sway in her hips. I tried not to look at her ass since that was rude.

I quickly snapped out of it and turned to Yeji. “Um, sorry about her. She’s kind of... a lot.” Yeji nodded.

“It’s ok, I’ve heard rumors about her. She’s bad news, everyone knows that.” 

For some reason, I accepted her words. Y/N technically was bad news. Everyone knew she skipped school too much to count, but I wouldn’t necessarily call her a bad girl. But to impress Yeji, I just nodded.

“Yeah, um, so prom?”

Yeji’s eyes wavered now, which was a bad sign. Bad bad sign. “Uh, yeah, thinking about it.” 

My confidence diminished and I decided to go the friendly route. “Well, hopefully if you go, they’ll be playing shitty pop music than whatever y/n wants to play.”

The girl laughed, which shot my confidence back up. 

I not going to be friend-zoned, not this time. 

Before I could plot out how to win Yeji’s heart, the teacher walked into the class. 

“Good morning class.” 

“Good morning, Mrs. Park.” The class hummed back. Mrs. Park set a pile of packets on her table, which caused the class to stare at the large stack.

“Today class, I’ve been wondering what to do since it’s your senior year and all. I was thinking about fun English inspired things.” 

“This doesn’t sound good.” Yeji hummed under her breath. I chuckled, making sure she knew I was interested in what she wanted to say. 

“And finally, the idea popped into my head! A group project!” The class groaned, even me. Everyone hated group projects. “Oh hush! This will be fun! I’ll be pairing you guys up in pairs of 2 to write your own creative story. It has to be at least 10 pages and fit all the components of what I’m about to hand out. I have some prompts on here as well, but you’re free to write what you want. The prompts are just to get you guys started.”

The class glared daggers at her head as she droned on about how good this project would be and how excited she was to read our stories. All we heard was how we had to arrange irrational times with our classmates who had completely different lives than us. Fantastic.

“Now, I’m sure you guys have been anxiously waiting about who you’re paired with.” 

Mrs. Park slid a piece of paper out of her folder and started reading.

“Yeji and Hyunjin.” 

Hyunjin, who was sitting in the front row, turned around to smile at Yeji. Who had turned a light shade of pink at the boy. Oh great. 

“Jeno and Jaemin. Haechan and Somi.”

Mrs. Park droned on with names until I perked up at mine. 

“Seungmin and....”

Please don’t be y/n. Please don’t be y/n.

“And y/n.” 

Fuck.

I looked over at the girl who was already looking in my direction with a smirk. She gave me an evil wave and laughed silently. 

“The story is due 2 weeks from now. It shouldn’t be too hard with two heads working together and you guys would be surprised on how quickly 10 pages will go. Good luck!” 

The last 10 minutes of class were dedicated to meeting up with your partner and scheduling times to write the paper and how to organize it.

“So, are you going to write our paper mister president?” y/n asked mockingly. I hated when she called me that.

“First of all, my name is Seungmin. And second, no way in hell am I going to write this for you.” The girl rolled her eyes as I opened the packet. 

“Well good to see you still have strong morals even when working with me. So, I have rehearsals with my band every Friday night, and Saturday and Sunday afternoons. but anytime besides that I’m free.” 

I groaned internally.

“Well, I have leadership meetings every Monday and Thursday after school. So I guess that leaves most of the weekdays.” She nodded. 

“How about on Wednesday after school?” She suggested. I nodded, surprised she was the one who initiated a time. She gave me a cool smile. “Fantastic. See you then, lover boy.” She whispered the last two words in my ear, which I couldn’t lie, made me tingle at the close proximity. 

She walked away with a smirk and this time, I refused to check her out. 

I had morals.

❀ ❀ ❀

“Wednesday. 6pm. The Red Lobster across from that Subway.” My best friend, Kyungmi stated. Changbin was attached to her by the hip.

I sighed and shook my head. I had already forgotten about their plans to set me up with random girls. “Already got plans that day.” 

Kyungmi gave me a suspicious stare. “What plans?”

“Plans to whack off?” I glared at Changbin who was giggling at his joke which wasn’t even funny. Kyungmi smiled, but hit the boy. I never knew she was such a perv. 

“No. I have this project I have to do with y/n and Wednesday is one of the only days we have free this week. And the project is already due in 2 weeks so...” 

“Y/N? She’s the annoying bitch, right?” Kyungmi pinched his arm.

“Hey, don’t call her that... She’s just annoying and emo.” The two laughed.

“Yes, that y/n. But I mean, I have no choice. We have to work together.” I argued. I unwrapped my ham and cheese sandwich and bit into it. 

Kyungmi shook her head. “No, I mean, you could just write it and slap her name on it too.” I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, nerd.” Changbin poked my side which made me want to slap him in the face.

“I already told her I wouldn’t do that. So, sorry, but you’ll have to reschedule or just cancel.” Kyungmi and Changbin sighed unanimously. 

Changbin then pulled out his phone and started to type something in. “Maybe you would change your mind when you see the girl.” 

I furrowed my brows in interest. As the egotistical boy stuck his phone in my face, my eyes widened. 

“Is that Yeji?” 

Kyungmi smirked, knowing she had gotten me. “Yup, Changbin’s friend is friends with her and heard she wanted to start dating so she would have a date to prom. And luckily, Changbin had overheard their conversation.” 

My head spun with excitement. “And I know you’re sorta into her. I’ve seen you look at her in the halls.” Kyungmi squealed giddly. 

“So you in?” 

I took a sip of my juice and my eyes fell on Y/N who had walked into the cafeteria. She raised a brow at me when she saw my stare. What, she mouthed. I rolled my eyes. 

“I’m in.”

❀ ❀ ❀

It was 5:30pm and my date with Yeji was in 30 minutes

It took lots of convincing with y/n to cancel. After I lied to her that my mom was sick and I had to take care of her, she finally let it go. I felt bad for lying, but her being busy on every day of the weekend caused this. 

Thankfully, the girl said she could push back her Saturday practice to night time and we could use the morning-afternoon to write the story. 

I threw on my best looking shirt and dark jeans. For some reason, girls liked dark jeans on boys. I looked at my hair and saw the mess. I groaned and started to style it. I felt dumb with the small straightener in my hands, but I had to do what had to be done to look good.

Once I was satisfied, I threw on my fanciest shoes and ran out the door. Yeji was coming from cheer practice and she said she would just meet me at the restaurant. I sped all the way there, hoping to be early. 

I looked down at my watch. 5:53pm. I looked around and there was no sign of her. 

This was a blind date, so she didn’t know who I was. Changbin just told her I would be waiting under the large Red Lobster sign.

“Seungmin? Is that you?” I spun around after hearing the feminine voice. I gave the girl a shocked look.

“Yeji, oh wow, what a surprise.” I lied lamely. The girl smiled and hugged me. I wasn’t sure if this was a friend hug or a happy hug or what. But I mean, I liked it. 

“I’m so glad it’s you! I was so nervous I was going to get a weirdo or something, but I’m glad Changbin set me up with someone as nice as you.” Nice. What a word. A word for friend-zoning. 

I smiled forcefully at her. “Let’s get inside so we don’t freeze our asses off.” She laughed loudly at me joke, probably more exaggerate since it wasn’t that funny. That boosted my ego slightly. 

“Table for 2.” I said to one of the staff. The girl nodded and led us to a table. I was glad it wasn’t extremely crowded on a Wednesday night. 

“Thank you,” Yeji said to the staff. I nodded in thanks as the waitress walked away. 

“So, getting into the dating scene are we, Kim Seungmin?” Yeji teased. I blushed, but grinned at her curious glance.

“Yeah, after Kyungmi and Changbin spent so much time together, I realized I was either sick of seeing them together or wanted to have a relationship like theirs.” Yeji cooed at my words. 

“Aw, that’s so cute! They’re really a cute couple, aren’t they?” I nodded. 

“Hi guys, are you guys ready to order?” We both nodded. 

Once I looked up from my menu, I saw someone I hadn’t planned on seeing here tonight.

I could spot that dark, yet wild hair from anywhere. Her black and purple hair was tied into a ponytail and she looked calm as she sat across from a boy much older than her, Chan, who I remembered was her brother.

She looked like she was finishing up her meal as she stood up from her booth. As soon as she stood up, her eyes met mine. 

Fuck. I was in deep shit now. 

Expecting her to call me out on my bullshit, I held my breath. 

Contrary to what I believed, the girl only looked at me with fed up eyes and walked away with her brother. I couldn’t help but feel like shit. 

“Seungmin?” Yeji’s voice snapped me out of my trance. 

I glanced up at the waitress who was waiting for me to order. Great, now I look like a weirdo.

“Sorry, um, I’ll get the steak and lobster.”

I forced myself to carry a conversation with Yeji, but all I could think about was why y/n didn’t stomp her way to my table while I obviously was on a date. 

Maybe she’s different than what everyone thinks about her.

I shook my head, no, that girl is bad news.

❀ ❀ ❀

I had done a great job at avoiding y/n all week. It was helpful she wasn’t here Friday either.

But it was Saturday now and I worse knowing that she pushed back her scheduled practice with her band when we had scheduled a time I should’ve been free for. 

I was dressed more casually today with blue jeans and a red hoodie. I wasn’t impressing anyone today. 

I drove to y/n’s house, scared of how she would react when I saw her again. Her house wasn’t far from mine. I held my breath as I walked to the front step. 

Her house looked more normal than I thought it would. For some reason, I thought it would be dark and gloomy like how she dressed, but it was a light brown with flowers all around it.

“Are you going to just stand there or are you going to ring the doorbell?” 

The voice startled me as I jumped back. 

Y/N was staring at me with judgmental eyes. I noticed the leash in her hand and then felt a small dog jump on my leg. I smiled, forgetting the scary girl right next to me, and pet the happy thing.

“Aw, aren’t you the cutest?” I cooed. Y/N scoffed and unlocked her front door.

“You’re early. Probably to make up for cancelling on Wednesday for some girl?” She taunted. I turned a dark red at her accusation, even though it was true.

“Ok, I’m sorry-”

“For what Seungmin? Getting caught or for lying? Or for causing me to push back my already scheduled plans for your impromptu dates? Hm?” 

I felt a rush of anger run through me even though I had no right to be mad. 

“Why are you acting as if we’re dating? We’re not even friends. I have no loyalties to you.” 

I wanted to take back the words as soon as I said them. Y/N’s jaw dropped.

“Wow, you’re an even bigger asshole than I thought. We made plans and if you were a decent human being, you would keep them. We could be arch enemies but you still had a commitment, especially since we don’t have many free days.” She spat. I had nothing to say and took her words in.

“I’m sorry, fuck, I didn’t mean to say that. And I’m sorry for cancelling plans, but I just really like Yeji so I just had to take the chance. I’m sorry.” 

Y/N stood in silence for a few moments before taking a step back. 

“Maybe if you let me play at prom I would be more forgiving.” 

I rolled my eyes. “I-”

“I’m teasing. I don’t want to hold this over your head since Yeji is hot. A shitty person, but hot.” 

Y/N opened the door for me to let me in, but her words didn’t go over my head. I quietly shut the door and examined her house that I knew she was secretive about. It looked... peaceful. Normal.

“What? Yeji is not a shitty person.” Y/n smiled at me.

“Oh really? Are the things she says about me nice?” I had nothing to say to that.

“She’s only saying what’s true.” Y/N stopped walking and glared at me.

“What? That I skip class? Big whoop, everyone does that. She makes huge accusations about me when I only characterize her because of the things she says about me and the way she looks at me and the way she talks to me.” 

Before I could get a word out, the girl shoved me into her room. 

“Now, that’s a good story idea. We could write about a bitchy cheerleader and how she sabotages people’s lives so that she looks good.” The girl suggested. I rolled my eyes. 

“Or, we could write about not that.” I tugged the packet out of her hands and stared at the prompts. “Write about a boy who finds a time machine and travels through all of his best/worst memories.”

“Lame. I hate time travel stories. They confuse and bore me simultaneously.” I sighed and looked at more prompts. 

The girl sat in her spinny chair and spun around like a child. I couldn’t help but scan her. She was wearing shorts, probably because she only left the house to walk her dog. Even when being at home, her clothes were still all black. She was wearing a black over the shoulder t-shirt with black shorts.

It felt weird to notice this, but her nails were painted black as well. Both her fingernails and toenails were the same color which Kyungmi told me girls liked to do.

“Wow, checking me out even when you have another girl in your heart? Hm, I didn’t know you were such a bad boy, Seungmin.” 

I felt my heart skip, noticing how she said my name when she usually called me “mister president”. 

I blushed at her words and looked away quickly. “S-sorry, um, I was just curious as to why you wear black clothes all the time.” The girl laughed softly and twisted her hair over her shoulder.

I tried not to read into her movements but girls playing with their hair always meant something. At least according to web articles.

“Well, I wear black clothes because I like the color. You wear blue a lot, probably because blue is your favorite color right?” I nodded slowly, but surprised she noticed the clothes I wore. 

I felt proud of myself for some reason, my felt my heart warm as she paid attention to the small details of me.

“Uh, I guess. Anyways, any more story ideas? Maybe a character you would wanna write about?” The girl crinkled her nose and swiped her side bangs out of her face. She scooted closer to me and suddenly, my male hormones were heightened. 

She smelled fruity, but her scent wasn’t that heavy that I was choking. Her hair matched the fruit theme of her perfume and I couldn’t help but get lost in it. I hated myself at this moment.

I hadn’t been so close to a girl who wasn’t a friend in so long. 

"You’re wearing perfume.” I noted lamely as she was taking a while to think. She looked up me in surprise and smiled. It was different than her usual smiles, but they always made my heart flutter.

Stop, you like Yeji, stop letting your hormones take over you like some basic asshole.

“Hm, yeah I am. I wear it whenever I go out or whenever I have guests over. I’m surprised you noticed.” She wiggled her brows and opened a word document on her laptop. “Is there any genre you prefer writing?” 

I snapped out of the girl’s charm and looked at the laptop. “Yeah, yeah, I like to write fantasy I guess.” Y/N smiled.

“Good. We’re on the same page then. Do you like supernatural themes like ghosts, fae, vampires, werewolves...?” She babbled on. I wasn’t that surprised y/n was that into this stuff since she was quite weird. I guess that made me weird too when I was excited. 

“All of the above.” 

“And before we get ahead of our selves, let’s remind us that the expected page count is 10 and we only have 2 weeks to write this.” The girl noted smartly. I nodded and adjusted my glasses as she leaned over me to grab her pencil. “Sorry, I like to plan on paper.” 

I watched as she grabbed a piece of paper and started drawing circles. I let out a chuckle before I could stop myself. She glanced up at me with rough eyes.

“What?”

I shrugged. “Nothing. Just you planning things out is cute.” She froze at my words, and even I was surprised at my confidence. 

“Shut up,” she said, but I knew there was a faint blush on her cheeks. 

Huh, maybe this flirting thing isn’t so hard after all.

❀ ❀ ❀

After discussing for a long 30 minutes, we had finally decided on a basic plot and characters. 

“After being assigned a dangerous mission, Yoon Sehun’s life starts to crumble. He is tasked with the mission to infiltrate a high school and seduce and kill an innocent girl who is holding secrets of her own. Is that a good summary for Mrs. Park?” I nodded at the girl who looked much happier at writing than I did.

She smiled happily and kept going. “And basically, he starts to fall in love with her seriously... do we want a happy ending or sad?” 

I fiddled with my glasses, a habit I had when I was thinking. “Um, which do you prefer?” The girl groaned.

“Making me do all the hard work. Ugh, well, I like to read happy endings more, but with the short time limit we have and page limit of 15, I’d say we just leave it off on a cliffhanger.” 

I agreed. “You right. Now, let’s get it started.”

❀ ❀ ❀

We had been typing for hours, constantly asking one another if writing something was ok. We switched off every 30 minutes to write which made the flow hard, but we agreed we would edit it in the end. I was surprised to see how good of a writer she was. 

And I was more surprised on how well we were getting along. 

“Wow, this is looking really good. You’re a really good writer.” I complimented. Y/N was laying on her bed, scrolling through her phone as I scanned over her work. 

I heard her snort. “Well, I do write songs on the daily. I am in a band you know.” 

“Ah, right.”

“Talking about my band, any new thoughts about us performing at prom?” I sighed, but said nothing for a few moments, trying to decide on what to do. 

I settled with a question. “Why do you want to perform at prom so badly? No offense, but you don’t seem that connected to this school.” 

I heard the bed rustle and I knew she was walking over to me. Her hair was messy and I tried not to imagine if I was laying next to her on that bed.

Her face was serious as she sat next to me.

“First things first, we go to a rich school that has major connections. If my band performs there and some rich kids likes it and has connections to the music scene, it could be big for my band. Second, I really love performing, as do my band mates. And third, rich kids with connections.” 

I chuckled at her honesty. 

“Ok, how about I let you perform a few songs-”

I saw her eyes light up. 

“Wait, seriously, you would let me perform?!” Her voice was laced with excitement and shock that I couldn’t help but smile. 

“Um, yeah, you put up a good argument and-” She didn’t wait for me to finish before pulling me in for a hug. It felt weird since I was sitting down and she was standing up. She felt the same and pulled me up to stand. I laughed as she pulled me in for a proper hug when we were standing.

“Thank you thank you thank you!” She cheered. “You’re the best, Seungmin.” She then released me and sat down. 

“Speaking of prom, are you thinking of asking anyone?” She looked at me with curiosity in her eyes.

I took a while to answer, but before I could, I heard her phone alarm go off. 

“Shit, that means my band mates are coming over real soon. Um, we can finish on Wednesday, of course, if you aren’t busy?” I rolled my eyes even though I still felt guilty. It wasn’t like me to cancel on people for a date. 

“Sure. After school Wednesday and if I cancel, you can whip my ass.” 

“And what a fine ass it is.” She teased with a hint of flirtiness in her tone. 

I choked from shock. “Wha-”

“Bye, Seungmin. See you Wednesday.” 

She closed the door on me as I was left in the cold to think about what just happened and why the girl I had thought was annoying was super attractive all of a sudden.

❀ ❀ ❀

“Hey, Seungmin.” I gave a small nod to Yeji who I surprisingly didn’t think about to much over the weekend. 

“Hey, how was your weekend?” I asked respectfully. Kyungmi told me that girls always liked to be asked on how their day was. It showed like the boy cared.

She smiled and curled a strand of hair behind her ear. “It was good! I got lots of cleaning done, ugh, my room was an absolute mess. How about you? How was working with y/n?” 

I didn’t miss her nose crinkle as she said y/n’s name. I felt a burn of anger run through me as she did that. 

“Hey, y/n isn’t that bad as I thought. She was actually really helpful.” I defended. I didn’t know why I was defending a girl to the girl I was interested in, but the words left my mouth as soon as I said them.

Yeji looked guilty. “I-I didn’t mean anything bad, I thought we were on the same page about her.” Now I felt guilty. I had a soft spot for blubbering girls.

“Hey, I get it, but surprisingly I didn’t go mad with her around.” Yeji nodded and looked to Hyunjin.

She leaned close to me. I felt my nerves come alive as I felt her hair tickle my neck. “Just between us, Hyunjin is good-looking and all, but he sucks at writing. He couldn’t decide on characters and a plot. We had a rough time. I’d rather have you as a partner.” 

As she pulled away, I noticed how she was biting her lip slightly which tugged at my heart. Her smell was much stronger than y/n’s though, which forced me to hold down a cough. I wasn’t fond of floral smells which Yeji reeked of. 

The door opened once again which caught my attention. 

The familiar girl walked in with a sway in her steps. I felt my breathing stop as she locked eyes with me. She gave me one of her infamous smiles and sat down. 

“You two seem friendly.” Yeji whispered. 

“Oh no, no, it’s not like that.” I defended. Now I knew how girls felt when they were accused of dating someone.

“Not like what?” Yeji teased. I realized then that she said nothing about a romantic relationship. I’d just assumed it. I blushed as she squeezed my hand.

“You’re cute.”

❀ ❀ ❀

It was a normal Monday night that I was spending with Kyungmi and Changbin. I swear the two lived together at this point.

“So, spill about your date with Yeji! You’ve been holding out on us for way too long!” Kyungmi cried out. Changbin and I were immersed into the video game were playing, but Kyungmi paused it.

“Hey, we were-” Changbin was cut off by Kyungmi’s glare. “Yeah, Seungmin, how was your date?” 

The boy was whipped.

I sunk back to the couch and tried to remember the events. My mind wasn’t in the moment on the date. I kept feeling guilty about ditching y/n. 

“Um, it was good.” I settled on saying. 

The two narrowed their eyes at me. 

“Good? That’s it?” Kyungmi interrogated.

I shrugged her off as she got too close to me. “Yes, good, she’s pretty and nice and sometimes funny.” 

“Dude.” Changbin added.

“What?” 

“Good isn’t the way you’re supposed to describe a date. Did you even feel a connection with her?” Kyungmi asked.

I shrugged. “I mean, yeah, I guess? It wasn’t awkward. And she seemed to be flirting with me today so I would take this as a good sign.” 

Kyungmi then hit me with a pillow. “Ow, what the fu-”

“Do you like, not like her anymore? What’s the deal with you?” Kyungmi babbled. I was confused. I had said I had a good time with her, I didn’t understand the problem.

“Ok, honestly, I was sort of out of it on the date. I saw y/n there and she saw me and I felt bad about cancelling and lying to her about why I cancelled.” I confessed.

I thought the two would show signs of disgust of the girl, but the two simply just looked at each other. I hated when they did that.

“What?” I barked. Changbin held up his hands in surrender.

“Well, I’m going to just say it, I didn’t think y/n was your type.” Kyungmi hit his shoulder to shut him up, but the damage was already done. 

“What do you mean by that?” I tried to think back on past girlfriends I had which never lasted long because they realized I was “better as a friend”, but they weren’t that different.

“Changbin, stop it.”

The boy shrugged and kept spilling. “What? It’s true. The girls you’ve dated before are like... nice. And social. Y/N is... not those things.” 

I felt something burn in my chest. I wasn’t sure what it was but I recognized part of it was anger. 

“Don’t be an asshole, Changbin. I’m not even into y/n anyways.”

Kyungmi sighed and sat next to me. She patted my head like she always did and spoke softly. “Just, be careful not to get hurt. And try not to hurt anyone in the process.”

“What do you mean? Y/N doesn’t even like me. She thinks of me as a friend.” 

I felt my phone vibrate and I peered down at it.

‘Hey Seungmin, I am highkey bored in my room on a Monday night with millions of story ideas running through my mind. is it ok if i add to our story and edit it?? u can change it wednesday if u dont like it but i felt the need to ask u first’

“If that’s from y/n, I’m going to scream.” 

I glared at Changbin. “Well it is and don’t fucking scream or else I’m leaving.” Changbin and Kyungmi both attacked me for my phone. 

Changbin started laughing and tossed me my phone back.

“Dude, she totally likes you. She’s trying to start a conversation with you.”

“She literally just asked me about our essay, how the hell is that a sign at all?” I spat.

I texted the girl back.

‘yeah sure youre a great writer anyways’

Soon, she was typing back. 

‘yay thanks~ for both complimenting me and letting me write lol’

“What did she say?” 

“None of your fucking business.” 

Y/N couldn’t like me... there was no way. She knows I’m into Yeji.. right?

❀ ❀ ❀

Wednesday came soon enough and I was instead in a library with y/n. She had snagged our own private room for a couple hours and we were currently adding and editing to our story.

She came in wearing a red shirt and I was shocked at the change. I hated that I noticed it. And that I liked it. 

“You’re wearing color.” I said before I could stop myself.

Y/N looked down at her outfit and shrugged. “What? I can’t wear color now?” She crossed her arms in that defensive way girls did. 

“I just mean you look good.” She raised her brows.

“Well, you should’ve started with that.”

The girl sat down and I tried not to check out how good her legs looked in her black skinny jeans. 

“Anyways, thank you for letting my band perform at prom. It means a lot to us.” She thanked while getting out her things. I noticed how her black nail polish had changed to dark purple. I wondered if she redid her toes as well.

I gulped and stopped thinking about her so much. “Uh, no problem. I hope you won’t let me regret it.” She laughed.

“No sir. Anyways, are you going with anyone to prom? Mister president has to have girls lined up at his door, right?” She teased but I could tell there was a hint of curiosity in her eyes. 

I laughed and felt nervous at her question. “Uh, if I’m being honest with you, there aren’t many girls lining up at my door.” 

She looked surprised at my comment. “Really? I find that surprising.” 

I shrugged. “I get friend-zoned by most girls. When I say most, I mean all.” I said spitefully. I heard y/n sigh and blow out a large amount of air. 

“What?” 

The girl shrugged. “Nothing, it’s just so, so, annoying when boys say that.” I furrowed my eyebrows at her statement. 

“It’s annoying when girls do that.” 

She gasped at my statement. She stared at me with her jaw dropped and judgmental eyes. “Oh wow, I didn’t know girls had to fall for you if a boy becomes their friend or if a boy shows interest in them. Excuse me for that.” 

I rolled my eyes at her, but the more I talked about it, the dumber I sounded. “Ok, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just... frustrating when all the girls I like end up only thinking of me as a friend. And I know that they don’t have to like me, but after so many, it just bums me out I guess.”

“That’s understandable, but also, how are you so sure that those girls only thought of you as a friend? Did you ask them?” 

I furrowed my brows. “Uh no, I can just tell.” Y/N gave me a tight smile like she was holding back. 

“Wow. Amazing that you have that talent.” I scowled at her.

“Ok, well, sometimes I get signs a girl doesn’t like me and then I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. Plus, girls always fawn over the bad boys which I’m not. I’m just a nerdy nice dude with some attitude.” 

The girl sitting next to me said nothing, which made me nervous. 

“Not all girls like bad boys.” She noted. I licked my lips while she scooted closer to me. “Bad girls don’t like bad boys. That’s too much bad for one relationship.”

“Then what do bad girls like?” The question slipped from my lips before I couldn’t stop myself, but I didn’t regret my question. 

The girl lifted an eyebrow and lightly flicked her tongue over her teeth.

“Hm, bad girls like good boys.” 

Suddenly, the atmosphere in this tiny, private room changed. 

I tried not to focus on the way her hand rested on my thigh. I tried not to focus on her lips that had a sheer coating of lip gloss across them. I tried so hard but I failed as she pulled me closer to her.

“Want a sign? I’ll give you one.” 

Before I could process what was happening, she kissed me.

Her lips hovered above mine for a split movement before she kissed my bottom lip slowly. I felt my heart pounding out of my chest. I felt more alive than I’ve ever felt before. 

I didn’t know when she got on my lap, but I felt a jolt when she get comfy. 

She ran her fingers through my hair as I tried not to let out any noise. I gained courage and deepened the kiss which made her sign in content. 

Oh fuck. 

I gripped her waist to keep her from falling. She took off my glasses and rested them on the table. 

“So, right now, you have the option whether to keep kissing me or to finish this essay. Which do you prefer?” My head was spinning. All I could feel were her legs on mine and her hands in my hair. All I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss her, not some stupid essay for English.

“Kissing you.” 

She chuckled.

“Good choice.” She whispered before taking me lips again.

❀ ❀ ❀

I slammed my door shut, wondering what the fuck just happened.

Did I just make out with y/n for... god knows how long. Did I just do that? What even happened? We were just talking about how bitchy I was and then she did that. How did that even escalate? What am I doing? Was this just a one time thing or does she like me? Do I like her? 

I took a deep breath and laid on my bed. 

What about Yeji? Am I still into her? Was I ever really that into her? I didn’t even know her.

I slapped myself. “You shit, stop thinking about this.” 

I tried not to fantasize about how much further we could’ve gone if our time wasn’t up in that tiny room but that’s all I could think about.

“Fuck, Changbin was right. She’s into me.”

❀ ❀ ❀

The essay was due on Monday and luckily, y/n had written enough that we didn’t need to meet up again. I decided to write the ending then edit, and then she edited it. 

I hadn’t talking to y/n much since Wednesday and my lips burned every time we made eye contact. 

Y/N was right. I had never gone after girls who were adamant about what they wanted and it excited and scared me at the same time. 

“Hey, stranger.” 

I jumped up, forgetting I was in a public place. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Yeji said with a small smile. I shook my head and gave her a forced grin.

“No, no, it’s okay. Um, how did your story turn out?” I asked. 

Yeji’s eyes zoned out for a few moments before focusing on mine. “Um, the story was okay, but things with Hyunjin? Way better.” 

I raised my brows in surprise. Not just from surprise at her infatuation with the boy, but surprise I didn’t care that much. 

“Oh? Do tell.” I teased. Yeji fidddled with her thumbs nervously.

“Ok, ok, so, we were just working on the essay and then he just asks me to prom. It was kinda cute ‘cause he stuttered over his words, but still cute nonetheless. So, yeah!” She grinned widely with hearts in her eyes. 

I smiled back at her. “That’s awesome, Yeji. You two are cute together.” 

She nodded, barely hearing what I was saying when Hyunjin walked in the room. Hyunjin gave her a nod in acknowledgment, but he didn’t say anything. 

He was just those types of guys. 

❀ ❀ ❀

Prom night.

The biggest event of the year. 

The time of year when mainly juniors and seniors lost themselves in one big crowd and the night when everyone lost their virginity. It was a mess honestly, but it was a mess that we all experienced together. With it being my senior year, prom held a deeper meaning for me this time. 

Since I was a senior this year, I wasn’t required to come early, but I did so anyways. 

“Hey mister president, here so early? Don’t you have some pictures to take at a lake or something?” 

I turned and saw Y/N. She was wearing a dark black dress that hugged her in all the right places. Her hair was curled and more voluminous than usual. I couldn’t help but notice she put on a stronger amount of perfume.

I grinned at her teasing words, but shook my head. 

“Nope, I came to set up. As the president should do.” 

She frowned faintly. “Aw, you should be having fun. I’m only here early to help my band set up.” 

I had almost forgot her band was performing two songs tonight. I had never heard them play and prayed they were good. 

“Hey, um, you’ll watch my performance right?” 

I snapped out of my trance and looked at her. Her eyes were wide and hopeful as she gave me her best puppy-eyed look.

I smiled at her as she jut out her bottom lip. “Of course, I wouldn’t miss it since you worked so hard to play.” 

She laughed wildly and held my arm in that flirty way. I started to wonder what she wanted us to be. Were we just friends who made out with each other sometimes or enemies who made out with each other or did she actually want an actual relationship? 

Girls are so confusing. 

Suddenly, we both heard someone call her name. 

“Um, I gotta go set up now. See you soon?” She said hopefully. I nodded and gently sent her off. 

❀ ❀ ❀

It was 9pm which was the official time prom started. The music was blaring as the band hadn’t gotten on stage yet and someone brought streamers of their own, which coated the dance floor. 

Kyungmi and Changbin were somewhere dirty dancing and on the verge of being kicked out while I hung in the bigger crowd.

Kids were kicking their shoes off and soon there was a dance contest in the middle of the dance floor. Cheers and hollers erupted through the air as rowdy people flew through the air. 

Suddenly, the music was turned down and I saw people come on stage. 

I smiled at the beautiful girl standing on stage. She was the only girl in the band which made her shine brighter.

I heard her introduce her band name and the song she was going to be singing, but when I turned my head for a split moment, I saw some girl crying out of the room. 

I squinted and saw that the girl was Yeji. Suddenly, we locked eyes. Her eyes were full of desperation and sadness as she turned away. 

I looked to my left and saw Hyunjin, dancing with a girl who didn’t look like Yeji. I felt my heart tighten. 

Oh no.

“Um, this song is dedicated to a really great friend I made near the end of my senior year. Here’s to change!” 

The crowd erupted into cheers but I doubt anyone just heard what Y/N just said since they were all drunk. 

I looked back and saw that Yeji was still staring at me with longing in her eyes. Like she was waiting for me to chase after her.

I mean, that was the type of guy I was. The type of guy who left whatever he was doing to help a sad girl. A girl who needed my help. 

I looked back at the stage and saw Y/N starting to sing, but when I saw Yeji walk out of the room, I felt something in me snap. 

I pushed my way out of the dance floor and went to follow Yeji. 

This better be worth it.

The girl was sitting outside on the bench. I sighed and opened the door to the outside. She jolted up, but gave me a weak smile. 

“You came.” She said softly.

I felt my knees weak at her words. “Yeah, uh, you looked like you needed a friend.” I heard her sniffle which made me notice the cold air.

I pulled off my jacket and pulled it over her shoulders. “Thank you. For the jacket and for coming out here.” I gave her a small smile, trying not to think about Y/N who most likely saw me run out here. I didn’t know what I was thinking. It was in my nature to chase after crying girls. Y/N would understand.

“Hyunjin he, he-” She was cut off by her small sobs. “He left me for some other girl. He was openly grinding on her and I couldn’t do anything. I hate him.” She spat. I held her close to me and let her lay her head on my shoulder.

“It’s okay, let it out.” 

We sat there for a while, with her just calming her breathing and I was just trying to be a good friend. 

Inside, the music was dying down and I knew the band had stopped playing. I felt like shit knowing I had just missed a song dedicated to me and that I didn’t keep my promise. But I had known Yeji longer, I was her friend. I had a commitment to her. 

❀ ❀ ❀

My night seemed like it went by too quickly.

Yeji’s parents came and picked her up. She tried not to look too embarrassed as her parents greeted me fondly and reprimanded her for going out with Hyunjin and not me. 

Soon, I saw more and more students flow out of the school. The students always had to evacuate quickly since the staff didn’t want to waste their whole night cleaning up our mess. 

I searched the crowd for a sign of Y/N, but I didn’t see her ‘til the very end. 

Her hair was messy from performing and the sweat glowed in the moonlight. She looked stunning even when she was dead tired. 

She turned my way, and once I smiled, she looked away.

Wait, what was that? 

I ran after her. “Y/N, wait-”

She whipped her hair around, with tears filling her eyes. 

“Are you serious? You have the fucking nerve to come after me right now? You must be stupid.” I ignored her harsh words and took a deep breath.

“Y/N, please, I’m sorry, I really am. But Yeji was crying and Hyunjin left her, I couldn’t just leave her alone. I’m her friend, you know-” 

“Oh my god, please just stop talking.” She blurt. I was stunned at the amount of anger she had. We weren’t even a couple. 

“You know, you complain so fucking much about the bad boys getting all the credit and all the attention and how all girls like bad boys, but you know what? You do get the girls obviously and you’re not even a ‘bad boy’, you’re just mean. You play with girls like it’s nothing and I’m not going to stand here for it. You’ve been into me and Yeji at the same time and I’m not going to stay here and let you choose me or her like we are options in a buffet line.”

I saw a tears fall down her cheek as she adjusted her shoes. 

“You know, unlike Yeji, I didn’t wait for a bad boy to break up with me before I went for the nice guy. I always wanted the nice guy.” 

I didn’t realize I was crying until she walked away, leaving me with all my emotions. 

She shrugged in that fake nonchalant way and gave me a tight smile with tears dancing in her eyes.

“Goodbye, Seungmin. I hope you treat the next girl right.”

[eb-byestelle]

A word about Kaname

From the first moment when I set up an account here, I was thinking about writing a text dedicated to Kaname. Initially, I expressed my opinion through debates, editions and analysis of small details. However, it's time to fulfill my original desire and write my own Kaname Kuran's analysis.

There are already interesting, insightful analyzes of Kaname. However, none of these texts is based mainly on the screen adaptation of manga. My journey with Vampire Knight began with the anime. That's where I saw Kaname for the first time and he immediately caught my attention. So I decided that it would be an interesting difference, especially because that's where he made such a big impression on me that remained inside of me forever. Therefore, I want to not only present my analysis, but also to prove how much the screen adaptation reveals. In the second part, I will complement the analysis with manga information and juxtapose with knowledge from anime.

I have to admit that at the beginning of watching the series I fell into the trap called "poor Zero". His endless, tangible despair was emphasized in each episode. However, at the same time I started to like Kaname. In a completely different way. I was charmed and fascinated by his person. I wondered how many intriguing elements are hidden inside of him. It was visible from the very beginning. Tenderness, intelligence, strength, but also weaknesses, loneliness and this kind of darkness, which gave rise to numerous questions about how it actually came into being in him.

Soon after, when the "fumes of suffering" spread around Zero subsided, I realized that I wasn't a fan of his character, but I only felt sorry for him. With time, compassion also disappeared when I saw how many opportunities for a better life Zero lost through his doubts and the lack of a distinct personality. Pity turned into indifference. From then on, Kaname mattered.

One of the things that intrigued me in him, were various kinds of contradictions. On the one hand, he teased a vampire on level D (Zero), on the other hand he cooperated with a human, what's more, a former hunter (Cross Kaien), while hunters are his natural enemies. He also seemed to be respectful of the hunters. In other words, he respected and helped someone who in theory was his enemy. What’s more, he trusted him completely in the matter of protecting the most precious person for him.

What's more, he treated badly only one vampire of level D. - As if he had a goal in this... - I thought. Then it turned out that he wanted to instil in Zero hatred of pure-blood vampires to he would kill Rido (based on knowledge from the second season. We know from the manga that it was not just about Rido.) This was confirmed by the Kaname's satisfaction of the Zero's big hatred for him. Who wants to someone else hate him? O.O Someone who has in this some purpose. What is the purpose of a person who treats humans with respect and can love as much as he loves Yuuki? The goal is obvious - the help the weakers and the protection of the loved one.

He felt a rage that Zero was hurting Yuuki and jealousy, seeing him with her, which made that the conflict with Zero in contrary to some opinions, for me looked quite funny. I felt like I would see two boys from elementary school, where one, seeing how the other is hitting on to his girlfriend, glues the rubber to his hair, and this other one for each time thoughtlessly lets himself be provokedand and in anger he throws the books in this first one ^^"

I began to wonder that if wouldn't be his plan and his feelings for Yuuki, Zero would be probably completely indifferent for him...

What's more, besides of Seiren, I didn't see him making for himself any other servants, while as a pureblood, he could easily create a whole army of faithful subjects. Based on the Seiren's submissive behavior, more humble than the others in relation to Kaname, I concluded that she must have been a vampire of lower rank, probably created by Kaname, and basing on his tenderness towards people, it probably happened due to some sudden circumstances. (VKM explained this situation in an interesting way, combining the facts from volume 10 - Hino, thank you that among so many hopeless chapters of VKM you gave us inter alia the chap. 4 xD)

On the one hand, he told others what to do. On the other hand, when Ichijou objected to him to protect Shiki, Kaname didn't use his vampire power of pure blood to control the will of Ichijou. He didn't do anything to him. He just respected his decision. Then, when Ichijou, (already as a theoretical traitor), offered to kill Asato Ichiou by himself, Kaname only patted his shoulder and went. And he never punished him. He always liked and respected him. 

The only person of the lower level from which he sometimes joked, was Aidou. Personally I have a feeling that apart from the Aidou's unruly character, who sometimes had to be "tame" (expecially that we talk about the vampire's world, where everything is even more dangerous and "unruly" behaviours are rather inadvisable) Kaname didn't respect in him that excessive, blind obedience. This is especially evident when they were a children and Kaname simply accepted the bitter words of Aidou, who initially didn't want to be friends with him. This, by the way, gave me reason to think about Kaname's self-esteem, because as we know, he didn't to Aidou anything wrong. They both just then met each other. I began to wonder if under the facade of self-confidence and always raised head there was a person who just despised herself. And if so, why?

What's more, none of the students of the night classes were intimidated by Kaname, nor were they offered any payment (I mean the two most popular ways to get someone's favors). It made that I saw it's not Kaname who is the real ruthless tyrant (although he knew for sure how to use a situation!) but they are these one who are blind to the principles instilled in them, which govern the world of the aristocracy.

I knew that his haughtiness was caused by inter alia from his social position. The high-ranking people or public figures in our world behave in a similar way. It's known that they are like this "on public", and different "in private", that's why his alleged "conceit" on public was nothing new to me. Especially when we see how humble and warm he can be in private, with Yuuki or in the past towards Juuri and Haruka. Because of the enormous power and high social position (basically the highest) he felt the burden of responsibility on himself, passing only the most important details to the others. This is visible when Aidou says that he wants to know more, on which Kaname says to Aidou not waste his life on this.

Another thing which impressed me exceptionally and which as a first draw my attention, was openness in terms of feelings. Quite often in anime/manga I see an annoying "smokescreens", games like from kindergarten, the escapes while most of series, excuses. Sometimes these "plays" are very cute, but how long? And why to behave like an idiot, don't respect a girl, or try to hide the own weakness... Meanwhile, in Kaname's case, we can see clearly what he feels for Yuuki. That he loves her, that he wants to be with her. In his feelings he is steady and determined. He's toward her nice, gallant, romantic, openly expresses feelings with words and gestures. Even when he hides something in front of her, he does it to protect her and move her away from worries. I admit that when I saw this, I felt a breeze of freshness, that after seeing so many infantile stories in other serieses I see a man who in an open and mature way offers the beloved girl his love.

Later I saw who he was before the tragedy with Rido. He loved Juuri and Haruka as if they were his real parents. Besides of this he didn't agree to Yuuki would be kept locked up. I also saw that he tried to destroy Rido by himself. When it turned out that it was impossible, he created a plan which not only gave him the highest probability of fulfilling his goal and saving his loved ones, what he couldn't do by himself. This plan also limited the number of victims to a minimum, focusing on one warrior with enormous power, which had the task of destroying the source of evil. The others were only supposed to "cover the rear".

I saw his weakness, deep sorrow and fear of losing Yuuki. It also moved me and gave me a food for thought...

I emphasize that all the time I am based only on anime.

Already there I've seen many elements of Kaname's personality worth attention. I was then so charmed by what I saw in the screen adaptation, that tbh, I felt that it's enough for me. Already then, I saw that he was a good friend, lover, brother, son, vampire. He had besides the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard among seiyuus, but ok, it’s just btw ^^

Later, out of curiosity, I looked into the manga.

For a few obvious reasons, I'm happy that I did it. I obtained further valuable information about Kaname, including I discovered one of his greatest secrets - his age. This is very important information which changes many things. It must be included in the analysis, because in combination with his experiences it explains a lot of his behavior. Already in the anime series I knew that Kaname is the ancestor of vampires, i.e. he's not 18, as it seemed earlier. However, the information that he's 10,000 years old, makes us realize how deeply emotionally burned must be this old, tired vampire. It shows how much he had to survive, see, experience. It's unbelievable quantity of time... For some time he was so lonely that he even didn’t remember what’s his name. It's also a problematic element, because it makes it difficult to analyze the character of Kaname, i.e. someone older than any creatures known to us, even those from manga. What's more, he was born by the human while he was an immortal vampire. For these two reasons, it is different than all the vampires known in the VK universe (the another ancestors also had this second feature but none of them was so old). Fortunately, with a little deeper thought it's possible. Although still difficult ;3

What's more, it turned out that he already had once lost a close person, very suddenly and tragically, which explains his tendency to obsessions and anxiety and his fear that a loved one may be harmed or killed during his absence or temporary loss of control. Hence his possessiveness while some time.

I also got to know how much good things he did for others. Medicines for people from his own blood, help them in the collect crops, drinking blood only in a gentle way, without having to change people into his servants, help the hunters and others during the war, being one of those who initiated pacifism and living in peace. He was the first who tried to create a medicine which might to change a vampires into the humans, what is one of the evidences. He was also in a distant past the king of vampires, just and legendary to the level that Juuri and Haruka decided to named their first child by his name. (I attach a link to the post, where did the inspiration come from to mention this interesting detail, which is the giving a names in royal families >>Click<<) 

These events also prompted me to ask a question: Does Kaname in the depth of his heart dream about being a human? Not being condemned to endless life, painful vampire's  desires, lack of sun, a huge power that carries so much? I wrote about it during the post "Humanity”. >>Click<< Here I will only mention about it.

Next we see his boundless sacrifice because of his love to Yuuki, the sacrifice his own happiness, his own physical state (I mean discomfort because of the thirst for her blood), and his own morals. Seeing his personality, attitude and the fact that for the first 9995 years he was the definition of the word "kindness", it's ridiculous for me to say that giving Zero pain was for him completely indifferent all the time. I think that at the very beginning, while creating his plan, he felt bad and simply rejected his conscience for love and higher purposes, creating a paradox of "light and darkness" in which he started to be. If it were otherwise, the plan would bring to him a joy and satisfaction, while for real he felt doubt and self-loathing.

I was also moved by the fact that Kaname continued to help people, despite the fact that despite his previous help and goodness, they banished him because of who he was, calling him embodied blasphemy. I felt that I saw something similar before. Already in the arch 1, when Aidou rejected Kaname's friendship, and Kaname's reaction was not astonishment but the acceptance of this information, as if it was something even more correct, than if Aidou would accepted him. It's sad that someone so valuable had such a low self-esteem. What's more, his paradox of "light and shadow" deepened this state even more.

I began to ask myself why he had chosen such a way to achieve the goal instead of the previously chosen path or some other way. We already know what his purpose was. But why did he choose just this way of its realization?

Summing up his enslavement by Rido, the inability to total kill his enemy, an unique, bordering on absurdity the creature who are the hunters' twins, where one of them, thanks to the devouring of a part of the brother already in the womb, he made more powerful than other hunters, which is the most effective material on the killer, combined with the extreme long age of Kaname, and therefore also a big life experience, disappointments and internal burnout, I can confidently say that the way of achieving the goal was in his case created by one simple factor:

Lack of faith. And more specifically, the loss of faith over the years and the many experiences which led to this. Faith has been replaced by fear, despair and determination.

Everything he did in the past, before the situation with Rido, and what many of the characters of the series did, who, as we know, are young and hopeful, it was driven by faith, as evidenced by the fact that these are the actions more moral than effective. I.e. those one which don't give the same effectiveness as actions devoid of something what increases the possibility of defeat and is called "morality". The medicine is a good idea. But can it be done? How long will it take? How much damage will happen in the meantime? This is one of those plans that are not an ax that cuts through, but a subtle step forward, not knowing whether the goal will be achieved, and even if yes, it's not known when and what will happen during this time. While the plan to annihilate Rido and other pureblood vampires with someone's hands, though not very ethical, was the most effective.

It's the style of action of a person who has lost faith and puts forward the most radical steps, at which the margin of error is as small as possible.

As we know, pureblood vampires have for thousands of years preyed on the weaker, giving in to the instincts. After years, not much changed. Ex-humans continue to walk on the Earth, and purebloods after the overthrow of the corrupt council and hence, after losing the „brakes”, became even more dangerous. It comes to some kind of generalization that these creatures are a source of danger, because if in case of vampires' lower-level the people are able to simply win with them by anti-vampire weapons, in case of the pureblood vampires, they are on powerful enough that the weapon itself turns out to be not enough.

There are more an examples like this. Let Yuuki, who is still inexperienced, go outside, where there are swarms of enemies, which raises the level of danger that she will be killed or wounded, expecially in that "dangerous" year? Or to bet on effectiveness and not let her go out? After killing the council and taking control by a Kaname, other pureblood vampires started to plotting something secretly. Kaito one time mentioned about that. The evidence was visible at the vampire banquet, and the worry about Yuuki's life was justified already on the same day when Yuuki went outside. Kaname told her directly that he would do everything to Yuuki could go outside again. He knew, however, that he could allow it only when the danger would be as small as possible. Otherwise, he could rely almost exclusively on the aforementioned faith. Especially, that in the main series Yuuki was the opposite of the word "cautious" (fortunately in VKM it has changed).

I emphasized the killing of Rido, because it's possible you could have noticed that Kaname fueled the most in Zero the hatred to vampires during the plan associated with Rido in arc 1. After his death, Kaname, even though he still wanted Zero to kill all pureblood vampires, no longer he was so involved in manipulation and after some time he took matters into his own hands. This is imo an interesting detail that shows Kaname's independence, which he has previously shown through thousands years of struggle for survival in the world just after climate changes. This is also another proof that this loss of faith was what caused such a radical system of action, which I personally called the " extreme/last resort", chosen at the end of the journey, when the previous methods didn't work.

Even in case of fact he and Yuuki love each other, Kaname has lost faith that he is able to make her happy although, as we know, Yuuki was happy thanks to him a lot of times, she was ready for a relationship and she wanted to start everything once again. Besides it was also the effect of the previously mentioned low self-esteem. Seeing him as an old, tired vampire and her as an inexperienced teenager, I see some sense in this, nonetheless still seeing how great love connects them, I believe that it could have been avoided. But... after all, this is story from the type of the goddamn romantic tragedy xp However, I think that if Kaname was with Yuuki now, when they both tasted a long vampire life and a full of sun human life, I see even more potential than in the main series! But I have already talked about this on the occasion of another post ;)

Better define the matter of his, as we say, "gray" morality, it would be an absolute mistake to regard him as a villain or antagonist, i.e. a person "black" morally. For the informations for these „less informed” - He's not! Mentioned in the first part the higher goals, protection of the weaker, of the beloved girl, everything this is beautiful, noble, magnanimous. Nobody should forget about all of this, trying to understand this character. Only he also wasn't a "white" moraly person. Because who is? This is one of the many aspects that makes us see how complex the charakter of Kaname is.

Regarding his relationship with Yuuki and some single elements which have aroused controversy, I have already explained many of these behaviors. These so-called "abuse" are really the kind of overprotection which is the result of the factors discussed and has nothing to do with the cruelty. Hovewer I decided, that it's worth mentioning the famous sentence in which Kaname says that if he and Yuuki are separated, or he will kill her (which we know, that would never happen, so I don't know how idiotic someone has to be to believe it) or let her kill him. I case of these ones who say that these words are something bad - How many romances these people have seen in their life? Especially those where love is such a huge and twisted that almost crazy? Please... Such a sad texts in the style of :"If you leave me, I will die.", are in so many romances that it's just surprises me that someones are still surprised by this. This is in movies etc. one of the most popular expressions of love so deep and crazy that a person just cannot imagine life without a beloved and prefers to die than to be far away from a loved one.

Generally, in term of the knowledge from manga about Kaname, I have undoubtedly seen there its cumulating, widening wounds, suffering, weakness and burnout, through which his mental condition deteriorated significantly, resulting a wobbly attitudes and behaviors. I especially see this in comparison with the behavior of the "present" human Kaname without those traumatic memories. 

I also saw, how much Yuuki and Kaname love and desire each other. Almost to the madness. The romantic scenes of these two have undoubtedly aroused my fascination. Among the various romances in the world of manga and anime, which I have seen so far, this couple is for me an intriguing difference.

At the end of the series Kaname changed the method of operation to the method of cooperation and sacrificed himself for the others, which once again proved his inner chivalry and devotion. Where did this sudden change of decision come from? I think, besides the absurd, which will be for me ridiculous probably forever, ie. that the furnance started to cool down just then, and Kaname as the most powerful vampire and protoplast, was the perfect material for a new weapon, came to the fore his gentle heart, which despite the "ash" that settled on it, still beat in his chest and could love more than ever. Kaname, regardless of the form of realisation the goal, wanted to die and he wanted to do it for the sake of Yuuki and the weaker. Appeared the opportunity, to instead of still getting own hands dirty, fulfil the goal in a more subtle way and renew the belief that even not fully effective actions are able to produce results. As we see in VKM, the lower effectiveness makes the enemies are still lurking, the danger is still big. But Kaname's wish to end the endless journey in the name of who and what he loved and wanted to protect, was fulfilled. What is beautiful - his hidden wish of being human too.

However, there are reasons why, despite so much valuable information, I'm partially discomforted because of the fact that I looked into the manga. I saw that the continuation is heading for something that, although it's still deep and moving, becomes more and more forced and overly dramatic. So dramatic that almost preposterous...

After volume 10, the plot became much more complicated, and at the same time, paradoxically devoid of the important details which we got in less complex arc 1 (regarding arc 1 ofc), which is imo a lack of respect for each character and the overall potential of the series.

Manga also turned out to be much more bothering. There appeared some single moments which became a "stodge" for the Kaname's anti-fans, whose immediately caught it, removed from the context and deprive a sense. While a story is not just single moments. They are part of a larger whole, which is accompanied by numerous elements and sources of their creation. While with the aforementioned more quanity of informations and explanations, more explicit statements, this could have been avoided, or at least reduced. Now VKM tries to fix these "shortcomings" and slowly closes the mouth of these the more embittered, showing Kaname in a very good light, highlighting the elements of his personality, which should have been even more highlighted already in the main series. This is a big plus for this addition, but it's hard not to notice that the first seed was sown.

It's interesting that the season 3 has never created. The plot of the first two seasons, ie. the first 9 volumes, I liked it the most (volume 10 was published after the anime, and was a bit filler, but for the chap 48 it's worth reading ;3). Some minor modifications in the anime, like changing the ending, subtracting certain scenes, adding others. It all showed me how good this series is able to look like, when someone new will come and manage to fix this and that. (Maybe besides of cutting the fight with Rido, which was however much better in the manga). I think it was one of the reasons why the season 3 was never created. The quanity of mistakes which Hino did after the volume 10 is really difficult to fix.

As we see, the anime shows many Kaname's features. Manga is also an important supplement, especially if someone besides of the general outline wants to really explore this special character. In anime we can also see how he moves, what voice's intonation he has. This is also very important to judge someone properly. In terms of perceiving anime, the opinions are divided, some people are delighted, others not. For me, generally the anime was a a little bit reworked copy of the manga, so I don't see much difference in the reception of this character. Music also did a lot, beautifully fitting into and emphasize the pop-gothic, melancholy climate of the series. However, I don't hide that I have always lamented that in terms of graphics (and a bit in term of animaction), the anime is limping against the absolutely resplendent drawing we see in the manga. 

There is a theory that a popular series known elsewhere, gained popularity not only because of the excellent, immersive story, but also thanks to the so-called. "Shinkai's clouds", in other words, thanks to unbelievable care for graphics and animation. In case of VK, this aspect has been seriously neglected. Believe or not, but these small details really important and give a lot! I think that if the anime were drawn as fabulously as a manga, with a fluent, refined animation, in combination with the other elements that we already know, it would be something really spectacular, and the reception of the characters and the whole screen adaptation of VK would be even better.

I suppose that person who would make the best analysis of Kaname, would be his “creator”, ie. Matsuri Hino. From my side I tried to do my best to make this analysis as insightful as possible, on the occasion also evaluating the elements of the manga and its adaptation. I hope you enjoyed!