#yup it's time to get Pedantic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dietaku · 5 years

Text

Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Masochism meets Machismo The party is very violently ejected over the horizon. The camera pans overhead some distance to a small island out in the middle of the ocean, where we couldn't get previously, due to a coral reef and a dialog box explaining how there's a migratory wave of sea sponges and that it's highly illegal to interfere with their trek. The party comes crashing down through the roof of the inn, whereupon the innkeeper, a slim woman in a white-n-black horizontally striped shirt and a tilted beret rushes over. Unlike other characters in the game so far, this character and the others in this town have their dialog appear on-screen little by little, accompanied by a MIDI attempting to sound like bongo drums accompanying beat poetry, even if text speed is set to max. Innkeep: Whoa. Like... are you lot okay? Hiro: I... I think so... I think I have the right number of body parts remaining. Why does that keep happening? What even happened?! Ozma: Where are we...? Innkeep: Welcome, my groovy soul sisters, to Toneland. The hippest, most forward-thinking culture on the entire planet. You are safe here. Hiro: Thank goodness. Had we landed in enemy territory, we'd have been overtaken easily. Innkeep: I didn't mean you, man-ling. Hiro: Beg pardon? Innkeep: As I said, we are a forward-thinking culture, free from the restrictions placed upon us by the pale, patriarchal penis people! Hiro: I'm at a loss for words, I'm afraid. Innkeep: Good. Your ungroovy way of speaking is such a downer. Lucky for you, I'm bilingual, but the people of this country speak only Beat Poetry and Interpretive Dance. If you want to get anywhere, you'll need at LEAST a set of bongo drums and a beret. Hiro: … Loyroll, this one's all yours. Loyroll: Hiro, my friend, I'm just gay, not a beat poet. This game was actually considered extremely revolutionary because of this line, fun fact. So, now we can stay at the inn (if we put Ozma, Mancala, or Kimyawa on point to do so. She'll scoff at any attempt made by Hiro or Loyroll.) and if we do so, she'll actually explain our next steps. Kimyawa/Ozma/Mancala: So, where would we get bongos and a beret at this hour? Innkeep: Well, these items aren't just for sale, no ma'am. You'll need to find special, custom-made gear found only in select locations. Whichever Female: What locations are those? Innkeep: You'll know them by their extremely pretentious attitudes and the overpowering smell of overpriced coffee. That's all I can tell you for now. Here, an optional scene can cue, if you opted to raise Kimyawa in the virtual pet game instead of Stinky. Ozma: Okay, you heard her! Can you get the scent, girl? Kimyawa: Yip! Yip! Yip! Ozma: Okay? You got it? Go get it! Kimyawa: Yip! Yip! Kimyawa points to the west wall, with a MIDI of yipping cuing as she does so. Ozma: Good job! Mancala: West? Mermania is to the west... and they DO have overpriced coffee... it's a start... Ozma: One more question? Kimyawa: Hai? Ozma: What DOES the fox say? Kimyawa: It says “DON'T BE RACIST, YOU FUCK!” Ozma: I was just curious!!! Kimyawa then rushes over and climbs up, sitting on Loyroll's shoulder as she pouts. Loyroll: There, there, Kimyawa, I'll get you some ice cream. Kimyawa: Hai! Ice cream, desu! This was likely added to help players along, as this was otherwise a bit of a guessing game. When you leave town, the sea sponge migration has ended here, and you can freely go to Mermania again where there is, indeed, a coffee house. However, we have more pressing matters to attend to, and the plotline in ToneLand cannot be triggered until we do it: remember how Deima left before? Well, we need to go get her again, this time permanently. So, remember where you found her the first time? The Aero Spire? Guess where we're going? This time, however, we can walk in and find her in her bed, asleep. Hiro: … Deima, are you serious? Kimyawa: Deima-chan, wake up! The game devs almost forgot to put you in this chapter! Deima's hand raises up, pointing to a note, on the far wall. Hiro goes over to it. Hiro: It says “I am asleep, due to a horrible curse, and only a noble knight's kiss can undo the spell.” Wait, this wasn't here before! Hiro flips the note over. Hiro: “And no amount of sass will get you around it, either.” This sure was a well thought-out hoax... Well, obviously, it should be... At this point, we're prompted to pick one of our party members. -If you pick Hiro- Hiro: What?! Why me?! I'm not really “noble” and I'm not a “knight” strictly speaking, as that mandates being, y'know, knighted. By, like, royalty. Loyroll: Well, Ozma's royalty. So, doesn't that, by extension, make you her knight? Hiro: Err, well... um... oh, fine. Hiro goes to Deima, visibly taking in a deep breath. Hiro: Only because it's helping someone. It's helping someone in need, right? Kimyawa: (Yeah, helping with Deima's adult needs...) Hiro bends down and pecks her on the cheek. He then rises and waits a moment. Hiro: … ? Did it not work? Maybe I'm under-qualified for the position after all. Deima: Seriously, that's all I get?! Not even on the mouth?! Hiro: … Oh yay. Deima is now safe. Clearly this was in no way predictable. Deima: AND WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SASS?! I mean-- the note... say about sass! I swear, every frickin' time the world is in danger from some amorphous evil entity, you come crawling to me like “OH NOES, SAVE US DEIMA-SAMA” and then I'm all “A'ight, bitches, stand aside!” and then we win, and then you bastards shack up with the nearest princess you can find and I'm left with reruns of the WWE! There is no justice in this universe!! -If you pick Ozma- Ozma: Okay, baby, here I come! Hiro: Say what? Ozma just grabs Deima's head and locks lips with her rather... roughly. Deima visibly flails her arms helplessly here. After a few moments, Deima goes blue and her eyes roll back in her head as she goes limp. At this point, Ozma releases her. Ozma: Fuwaaa! So, that's what you get for being stupid about this. Deima: uuuuuuuuungh... Loyroll: You do realize that, someday, you will die of a broken pelvis, right? Hiro: What...? -If you pick Kimyawa- Kimyawa: Eeeeeeh?! Watashi?! B-but I've never kissed a boy before! … Wait! She's a GIRL! Therefore, it's alright! Okay! I'll do my very best!! Kimyawa ninja-warps atop Deima's bed. She chucks a smoke pellet to the ground, which grays them out for a moment. When the smoke screen dies down, Kimyawa her has hands on each side of her face, blushing. Deima is sitting upright, a shocked expression on her face. Deima: W-what... just happened to me...? And why am I okay with it? Kimyawa: Kawawawawawa! -If you pick Loyroll- Loyroll: Ugh. Must I? Very well, but you owe me for this... Deima: HEY! ASSHOLE! Kissing me is a PRIVILEGE! Loyroll: Huh?! You want -ME- to kiss -YOU-?! … Fine. I shall do so with the utmost in style and grace, but purely to prove a point. Deima: Huh? Loyroll leans in and a brief animation of him licking Deima's nose plays. Deima: … AAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!! Loyroll: Yup. Still got it. -If you pick Mancala- Mancala: Wait, ME?! Why me?! Ugh. I already told you, I'm only a LITTLE into girls! Fine, fine... Mancala climbs astride Deima and... gets a little too into it. Hiro: You can stop now. It said just to kiss her, not to play tonsil hockey. Mancala: Sorry, I started thinking of all the MONEY this scene alone could make me in the long-run, and it just got my motor going! Deima: Is that all I am to you?! Just a cash cow?! … Well, okay, but I better get a cut too. Loyroll: Something-something-there certainly IS a cow involved-something. Mancala: Trying to cut into MY bottom line? Um, sorry, it's not me, it's you... Sadly, the New Game+ characters don't get their own scenes. God only knows what would happen if you tried to make Deima make out with herself. At any rate, Deima rejoins! This time for keeps. And, at long last, you may return to Mermania. Inside the coffee shop, you'll see a merman barkeep and we'll need to speak to him. Mancala: Yo, barkeep. A thimble of coffee with three layers of foam and cinnamon sprinkled on top! Barkeep: That'll be 25,000 currencies. Mancala: Ooo, must have a sale on right now! Barkeep: What do you want, Manny? Last time I worked with you, I spent 4 months in community service before I could re-apply for my vendor's license. Mancala: The past is in the past! Barkeep: It was FOUR MONTHS AGO! Mancala: God, you're so overly pedantic... I just need to know where I can get my hands on a set of bongos. You gonna tell me or do I need to tell the health department that you spell it “expresso”? Barkeep: Th-there's no need to get violent! You did not hear this from me, but in the kelp fields to the north-east, there's a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy... you can get your damnable bongos there. Now, out. I don't want the fuzz to think I'm still on-board with your schemes. Mancala: Thank you~! Hiro: Mancala, what kind of schemes is he on about? Ozma: Gee, I dunno. Maybe like the time she shilled us and then sold us for chump change to the village head. Mancala: The past is in the past! Let's go to the kelp fields! The kelp fields were an area we could've visited prior to now, but the enemies would've been too strong, and there wouldn't have been anything there but a few mundane healing items in chests for our trouble. Once we have this bit of intel, we can go there and a blue whale, with a beret not dissimilar to the ones seen in Toneland, and Otto the Octopus await us! Hiro: Oh no, not him again! Otto: Thaaaaaaaaat's right~! Me again! Let's welcome our very special guests, the Pudding Hero and his friends~! A burst of confetti rains down as the weird, pixelated fish come on screen, and shake in wild applause again. Loyroll: That will never cease to mystify, will it? Kimyawa: Etto... The fish then retreat to whence they came. Otto: Today's Lucky Bonus Challenge is a competition of luck and reflex to get your very own custom-fit BONGO DRUM SET! Today, Hiro's challenger is none other than Wally Whale. Give it up for our competitors. Hiro: Is this actually happening, or has my life become a long-running fever dream? Ozma: Should I pinch you to find out? Hiro: I-I'd really rather you didn't, actually! Hiro hurriedly runs to the stool on the opposite side of the table from Wally and sits down. Wally: Oh-ho?! You're my challenger, ehh?! Hiro: He just said you're my-- Wally: WELL I WON'T GO DOWN EASY, Y'HEAR?! Hiro: I do hear you, I'm less than four feet away. There's really no need to yell at-- Wally: I WILL CRUSH YOU WITH MY FINS OF IRON AND MY BUNS OF STEEL! Ozma: Do... do whales HAVE buns? Loyroll: The things that keep me awake at night... Otto: Today's Super Lucky Bonus Challenge is... BINGO!!! Kimyawa: Bingo? That boring game obaa-chan liked? Otto: A game of luck! A thrilling game of chance and challenge! Hiro: There's... literally no challenge, it's blind lu-- Wally: YEEEEEEAH! LET'S ROOOOOCK!!! This minigame is... dumb. I hate to say it but... it is. I even tried abusing this with save states, but the RNG is not player-friendly. You begin by picking one of three 5x5 bingo cards with the Griffohump, Stinky, as your FREE space in the center square. Then Otto reads out numbers and you must, manually, move Hiro's hand in order to place blue tokens on your card. You can do this to also remove them if you place them in the incorrect spot (and you will, as Hiro places the tokens slightly lower than his fingers, aimed more under his palm, which the player cannot see for obvious reasons). Otto also does this SLIGHTLY faster than the player can be expected to keep pace, as Hiro's hand moves very slowly during this bit. The devil of it is that if the card is incorrect in any way (such as having a token in a number not called, or not having a token in a space that was called, even if these have no impact of the result of the game) you lose, EVEN IF YOU GET THE BINGO FIRST!!! Oh my God, this is nothing but a colossal timesink! But, eventually, if you keep trying at it, you will inevitably win or go crazy. One or the other. On the bright side, losing just resets the game and you try again. Otto: WE HAVE A WINNER!!! HIRO!!! Hiro: … Um. I'm glad. So, do I get the bongos no-- Wally: NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAAY!!! YOU CHEATED! Hiro: How do you propose I did so? Wally: I'LL CRUSH YOU! Hiro: Wait, what?! -Boss Fight!- Wally Whale LP: 12,000 MP: 5000 This battle hits most by surprise, especially as there's random encounters and no save spot in this area, and Hiro is forced into this on a one-on-one here, hence his vastly lowered HP. Wally mostly relies on his single-punch attack which does decent damage, but will sometimes shake it up with his Aquatic Qualer attack, which oddly enough, is coded to hit All Targets, meaning it always deals 75% damage, making it weaker than his punch. Hiro can't use his swirls here, meaning that you'll be just attacking normally. Low level runners typically find this infuriating, however. I guess Jeffcom just hates them. Grinding is love, grinding is life. Using your Rice Pudding form has Wally call you a “Huge Nerd” and bolsters his attack strength by 25%. -Boss Fight!- Wally: NOOOOO-- Wally then explodes. Hiro: … Well, alright then. So, do I get the bongos or not? Otto: Here you go! Hiro gets the key item: Custom Bongos! Hiro: While I'm here anyway, do you know where I could get a ber-- Otto: AND THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS! Let's have a big ol' round of sound for our champion gameshow hero, Hiro! Cue the shaking, pixel fish. Kimyawa: I will be seeing them in my nightmares, no doubt. Hiro: Are we done here? Otto: That's a wrap everyone! Good job! Otto then scurries off-screen. Hiro: Now what do we do? Loyroll: When the path forward is blocked, the logical thing to do is double back to where we were before and see if new doors haven't opened to us in lieu of the closed one. Kimyawa: Onii-chan, you just mean you have no idea so we need to just try every option until something works! Loyroll: Yes, but I said it more eloquently, dear sister. Ho-ho! And this is the part that drove most players insane. You actually DO need to backtrack. … To FirstTown. Yes. Remember some 20-25 hours ago, where the game started? That's where we need to go next. “Haha!” I hear some of you say, “I've been level grinding and now Mancala has the TownStep ability, meaning I can just instantly warp there! Joke's on you!” well, I hate to break it to you, but you can't do that. You haven't slept in FirstTown's inn. You've either had the elder heal you or sleep in Hiro's bed... which the game doesn't register, on account that the inn was destroyed. “W-well, I'll just warp to the nearest town and, uh...” suddenly, you realize the problem as most of the towns we've visited thus far as now piles of rubble. Some of them because of us! … So, better get to walkin', champ. You'll find the nearest town is Toruble, which isn't as awful as walking there from Mermania, but isn't exactly next-door either, as Hiro got sped there via flight. But when we get there at this point, it's actually rebuilt and has an inn and everything! When you arrive, a cutscene cues even! Hiro: Elder! I return triumphant! With my allies in tow, I-- The Elder is speaking to a young boy, with a sword slung over his shoulder. Elder: So, with our previous “last hope” likely dead and buried, we need you, Ladd, to bravely go forth and-- OH! HIRO! The Elder very quickly kicks the boy into the nearest door and stands in front of it. Elder: Ho-ho! Good jokes! Hiro: … Ozma: Oh dear... I think what little ego he managed to grow over this journey just came crashing down... Do you need a hug? Hiro: Yes. All of them. Bring it in here, you guys. Yes, even you, Loyroll. The party briefly encircles Hiro, who jumps a little. The party steps back. Hiro: Okay, that was super sweet, up until someone pinched my butt. Just... if you raise your hand and confess, I won't get mad. Who dun it? Everyone in Hiro's party raises their hand. Hiro: I lied, I'm kind of mad now. Elder: What a... pleasant surprise to see you, Hi-- Hiro: CAN IT, OLD MAN!!! Do you know what I've been THROUGH?! Do you know how many of my fellow Puddings I've had to KILL?! That kid? That CHILD?! You think he can HACK IT?! I'VE SEEN PEOPLE EXPLODE!!! EXPLODE!!! Can you explain that?! I don't think you can!!! Or are you gonna feed me yet another non-answer, like when Emilia tried to explain puberty to me by calling it a “Witch's Curse” that I'd have to shoulder like some kind of monkey's paw wish?! OH! And the PROPERTY DAMAGE! I hope the world has an insurance policy taken out against me, because Lulz knows they FREAKING NEED IT ABOUT NOW!!! Have YOU even seen a town come caving in around you when you were just minding your own business? It's like the gods themselves are saying “Hey, did you get all the items and side quests from this place? Golly, I sure hope so, 'CUZ IT'S FALLING FASTER THAN THE COMMODITY MARKET!!! Oh, and my PUDDING MORPH?! You guys didn't even EXPLAIN IT TO ME CORRECTLY! Oh my G-- where do I even START there?! My Rice Pudding form LOWERS MY STATS?! And I can FUSE with people?! DID SOMEONE THINK TO EXPLAIN THAT PART TO ME?! NO?! CUZ I HAD THE SOUL OF ONE OF MY ANCESTORS ASK ME TO BARTER MY FRIENDS' LIVES TO FIND OUT!!! Just... Lulz damn it, old man!!! Elder: I don't suppose I could bribe you with a sammich? Hiro: Just... stop talking. In fact, don't talk to me. Ever. You're dead to me, old man. Elder: Oh, poop. I guess I shouldn't tell you about the lost treasures of our tribe then... 'cuz, I had them out on a rowboat, and suddenly, this beautiful mermaid comes out of nowhere and I... kind of dropped them. And due to mermaid magic, they all ended up in different bodies of water across the planet. Hiro: [High-pitched, pathetic whine] Elder: Totally not my fault, though! I was keeping them for, y'know, safe-keeping! So, let me make it up to you by teaching you an ancient pudding technique! Hiro: Sigh. Okay, old man, it's not like I have a choice, given I live in your house. What's the technique? Elder: The Pudding Tribe prides itself on their masterful fishing ability! Hiro: Hm. I could lose a few hours of my life doing this... Elder: And some years too! Hiro: Pardon? Elder: We don't use like, sticks or twine or anything stupid like that. We place our arms in the water and flail them about helplessly until something takes a bite! In which case, we pull them out via brute force! And that's how you go fishing! Hiro: … Wh-why is everything our tribe do STUPID?! Elder: My boy, my boy... have you never considered that, maybe, uh, one cow says unto another... um... w-well, maybe it's the nature of our clan in that we... err... w-well, I bet you'd be PERFECTLY HAPPY being one of our Dark Pudding brothers! Shall I get you your own little jackboots so you can stomp all over the little guy's freedom?! Hiro: Oh, Lulz help me... Elder: Oh, and one more thing. Hiro: W-what? Elder: I turned your bedroom into my exercise room! Hiro: But what happened to my comics and action figures?! Elder: Those were all destroyed in the house fire! Hiro: Noooooooooooooo-- ugh-- my life's a joke. Hiro obtained: Crippling Depression! This isn't a special attack or item or anything. It's a status. Hiro is depressed and this lasts a while. It will randomly interrupt normal attacks with “Hiro assumes fetal position and weeps openly about the future of his clan”. Even Ozma's otherwise extremely potent “Qipao BoinBoin” technique won't cure this, nor will Kimyawa's “Fox Massage”. However, this only lasts a set number of battles before he shrugs this off, so it's better to get this as early as possible and get it out of the way. It's just another reason this fetch quest is considered the worst of all of Amazing Quest's. Anyways, now we can sleep in the inn here, making it so we can warp here at-will and sleep at an inn for just 5 gold! This is also the town where the other coffee house has now appeared and the server here is not only a unique sprite, she eventually returned in Amazing Quest's sister series, AQ: Coke Float, Lady L. Lady: Welcome to the new FirstTown Coffee Hut: FarLucks! I'm the hostess, Lady! How can I help you? Loyroll: I'll have an inside-out pudgy brunette frappe with extra caramel machiatto blasse half caf. Hiro: Uh, did you ask for coffee or a girlfriend? Loyroll: Did I or did I not already explain my preferences to you, Hiro? Oh, I can't stay mad at you... Loyroll pinches Hiro's cheek. Hiro: Bleeeeeeh... Kimyawa: Etto... we're looking for a beret, kinda like the one you're wearing! Lady: Oh, I got mine by getting a dream cookie. Kimyawa: Ettoooooooo... Hiro: So, where do we get one of those? Lady: Oh, it's not that simple. You need the dream cookie, and then you go to the birdhouse at the Edge of Tomorrow. Hiro: Are we SURE this isn't a fever dream? Ozma: I already pinched your butt! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! Kimyawa: Demo, Ozma-chan, dane, dane! Yamate! Hiro: … Uh, right-o then. So, this, uh, Dream Cookie... Lady: Right, you get that by going to the World Tree and sleeping in the cocoon of the Grand Empress Butterfly. Simple as that. Hiro: I... where's... that...? Lady: Just head north and keep on walking. Can't miss it. Hiro: Right. Thanks... So, head north and you'll find a handy bridge linking you to a small island that was previously inaccessible. There, you'll find a huge tree and a path formed from criss-crossing roots you can traverse. Some minor insect monsters appear here, but none are too terribly bothersome. Not that Munchkin Moths, Kittypillers, and Were-Ants are all that threatening to start, but eventually, you'll see a massive, silk structure dangling from a branch above. Hiro: O... kay. I guess this is it. Can I get a boost? Ozma and Kimyawa grab and toss Hiro up into it. Hiro: Um... Mancala: So, how is it? Hiro: Warm, I guess? … Kinda damp? Not so wild about that. But I guess I'll catch a quick power nap... The scene goes sepia, where Hiro is sitting in a field with Emilia, having a picnic. Hiro: Wow. I'm spending quality time with my sister and I'm not being violently brained or ridiculed! This is going great! Emilia: Hiro... Hiro... Hiro... Hiro...! Hiro: WHAT?! Hiro snaps awake, blinking a few times. Hiro: Oh, c'mon! That was IT?! I finally get a NICE sepia tone flashback and that's the extent?! Nothing even really happened! The narrator just claimed some stuff happened! Loyroll: That's not important, my friend, did it work? Hiro: Umm...? Hiro reaches atop his head, where a cookie sits. Hiro: Apparently, it did! Hiro got Dream Cookie. He then climbs down from the sack. Insert joke of choice here. But as he does, a shrill sound plays. Hiro: Wait, what was--? A massive, purple butterfly dives down, engaging the party! -Boss Fight!- Empress Butterfly LP: 30000 MP: 7000 The obnoxious part of this fight is that this bitch can spam pretty much every ailment with its [Ailment] Pollen attacks, which it brandishes with abandon. Ozma and Kimyawa are basically not optional for this fight if you want a chance of not getting ailment'd to death. Its means of dealing direct damage are quite limited, sans its “Antenna Wave” which hits everyone for wind based damage. However, using Ozma and Kimyawa's earth-based techs or Ozma's pudding swirl and exploiting its naturally low physical defense is the way to go. -Boss Fight!- Hiro: That was non-sequitor. Loyroll: There's no helping it. Let us return to the cafe for further clues! And... well, do so! There, Lady will fill us in more. Lady: Great! You got the dream cookie! Hiro: Did YOU have to fight a giant bug to get one? Lady: No, why? Hiro: Just asking. Lady: Now, you need to go to the Edge of Tomorrow. Kimyawa: You mean like staying up all night and playing truth or dare and waiting until midnight? Lady: Uh, no, not so much. I'd be lying to say I didn't try that too, but the Edge of Tomorrow is a real place! What happened in Girl Pudding Summer Camp STAYS in Girl Pudding Summer Camp... A-anyway, the Edge of Tomorrow is the deepest portion of the ocean floor: The Marinara Trench! Hiro: Wait, did you get underwater?! Lady: Oh, that part of the ocean isn't underwater. Hiro: WHAT?! Lady: Did I stutter? It's the MARINARA TRENCH. It's not water, it's tomato sauce. Everyone knows that, geez. Did you fail geography? It's consistently ranked in the top 8 deliciously deadly dungeons to die for! Or in. Either or. Mancala: Actually, I'm pretty sure I know where that is. Deima: Wow, you're gonna help and NOT shill us? Mancala: Hey, hey, I can be a very generous spirit when so inclined. Hiro: That and you're probably afraid of Ozma turning you into a flail again. Kimyawa: Mm. Sashimi desu! Mancala: W-well, you can't be too careful! Let's go! So, thankfully, we can actually warp to Mermania for this part rather than walking again. You then need to head south towards a red cave. If you had tried to come here before, you would be warned that you had not taken your heart burn medication and would be turned around. Venturing in now, however, will start ramping up the difficulty a bit with the likes of Meatball Munchkins, Spaghetti Serpents, and Ravioli Ravagers and they do love them the Red ailment among their numbers. The upside is this is the first real opportunity to level in this chapter, as it's the first set of monsters that are scaled to where we oughta be by now and they drop copious amounts of Cooled Hankies, which relieve red in a single target. The problem you'll face is the cracks in the floor which blast up with, uh, sauce and deals damage if you're caught in them. The dungeon is fairly simple otherwise, if a bit long. When you get to the end, you'll encounter a massive cliff, dropping into oblivion. Hiro: So... where's the birdhouse? The screen rumbles as a massive, golden, crispy squid rises from below, a birdhouse perched atop its spear-shaped head. Hiro: Oh. -Boss Fight!- The Great Calamari LP: 40000 MP: 3500 Tentacles (x2) LP: 10000 MP: 0 This deep-fried fishy fiend is a little tricky in that it's multi-bodied. The tentacles try to swat you, and lower accuracy with their base attack, so they have to go first. If they peg you a few times, don't panic, as the accuracy reduction wears off over time. The head itself has good defense against magic and physical attacks, but none of his attacks are too overwhelming, even his strongest move – Marinara Madness – deals only passable damage. If you take out his tentacles first, you shouldn't have too much trouble, but if they decide to be particularly petulant, this fight can drag out. The best thing to remember is that accuracy is reset if Hiro swirl-fuses or un-fuses with party members. -Boss Fight!- Great Calamari: Heroes of Destiny, you have proven your mettle before the Baron Calamari, and I offer you the Birdhouse of your Soul. Do as you see fit. Hiro: Uh. Right. Thanks. Loyroll: That's pretty deep. Deima: About 20,000 leagues, I'd wager. Hiro walks up to the birdhouse and puts the cookie in. After a moment, we hear a “crunch-crunch” sound and out pops a beret! Hiro: There are no words. Hiro obtains: Beret! Now that we have these, we can return to Toneland and finally start the chapter proper. Oh, and by the way, you've finished all these side quests now, right? Just so you know, there's a shop keeper on the far-right-hand side who sells the Beret and Bongos for a price. Just FYI. Maybe now you'll learn to explore under your own power first BEFORE just asking a guide what to do. But I doubt it. At any rate, we can buy some weapon and armor upgrades at long last, usually themed as Musc[Weapon] and ToneDresses, as the shops do not carry armor for the guys. At this point, we need to go up to the castle in the north end of town and the Queen's Assistant, Nagi. Nagi: Oh, thank the gods! Some sucke-- I mean-- some blessed visitors from beyond the sea, here to aid us in our time of crisis! Mancala: Do we really owe these broads anything? They haven't really been super helpful thus far... Ozma: As princess of House Toruble, I cannot overlook a crisis to a nation that might be in need. We need to hear them out. Nagi: You see, the Queen... she has become completely smitten with a Dark Pudding general! And now she aims to just hand over one of ToneLand's sacred treasures! Ozma: It almost feels wrong, though, to interrupt a young love... Hiro: After seeing the kind of work they do, I have a hard time believing that this “love” is anything but one-sided. Nagi: The one with the poor taste in gender is, and I say this begrudgingly, correct. Hiro: I... didn't have a say in what I was born as-- Nagi: STOP TRYING TO MANSPLAIN TO ME!! God, can you man-lings not go 5 minutes without trying to oppress someone?! Hiro: I-- this is not helping my inferiority complex. At all. Ozma: Casual sexism aside, what can we do to stop them? After all, a woman's heart is fickle, but determined. If she has her eyes on someone, telling her she's wrong will only provoke her to pursue it more doggedly. Kimyawa: Maybe we could, uh, “liberate” the treasure first? What even is it? Nagi: Why, the sacred ancient treasure of ToneLand is (wait for it...) the Wind Talisman! Ozma: Gasp! Hiro: Who even sa-- no, wait, did that joke already. Disregard. Nagi: But it'd be better if you took it, frankly. The problem is that only the Royal Family can access the Royal Vault, using the Royal Tattoo! Loyroll: Sounds very royal. Nagi: It is, my strangely-attractive misogynist! Loyroll: Excuse me? Nagi: The Royal Tattoo is branded on the Princess each generation. Mancala: Oh, like, on her hand or arm or something? Nagi: No, on her ass. All: … Kimyawa: Etto... Hiro: Boy, this turned awkward quick. Nagi: However, there is a way! We must... PEEP ON HER IN THE BATH! Hiro: Actually, I have an idea, if I may: if someone has to tattoo the princess each generation, doesn't that mean there's some tattoo artist on this island that already knows the passcode hanging around somewhere? Nagi: You're saying words, but I do not understand, due to your gruff, oppressive speech. Hiro: I give up. Kimyawa: It'll cause a riot if nii-chan-tachi go in directly. We should cause a distraction instead, and allow the boys to peep properly. Hiro: What? I was thinking that Loyroll and I would be the distraction! Loyroll: Indeed, why are you giving us the boring job, dear sister? Kimyawa: It's funnier and adheres to shounen manga tropes better this way! Hiro: Must I? Kimyawa: Also, it's gonna be hilarious when Ozma-onee-chan gets super pissed off! See, nii-chan and I have a bet to see how many bricks she can break in one punch. I'm thinking 20-ish, but he says it's around 15. So if I get her REALLY mad... Hiro: Ulp... So the party splits here. You take control of Hiro and Loyroll for a grand total of 10 seconds, as you go through a side path that Nagi gestures toward. When you do so, the game suddenly swaps to Ozma, Kimyawa, Deima, and Mancala who move to the right-hand side through a door that was locked previously. When you do, prepare for the mindfuck because the “distraction” portion of this plan is them putting on an opera, recreating the love story between the Queen and the Dark Pudding who is, in fact, Jaydea. Yeah, the localized version of the game leaves this tidbit out, but this is a lesbian love affair (as if ToneLand has anything but, but I digress). In the Japanese version, the point is to pick the line that forms a proper, thematic haiku. This... does not translate well at all, as this instead becomes a one-liner-off between Ozma wearing one of the princess' dresses (stretched to capacity), and Kimyawa in an outfit not unlike Jaydea's (equally at its limit), while Mancala and Deima run around the stage, doing the special effects. The song eventually degrades into a rap battle, with Ozma and Kimyawa trying to out-white-girl each other. It is a thing of beauty and at the same time, horrible. Ozma: Ya, mon! Kimyawa: Aww, hell naw! Mancala: We are getting paid for this, right? Ozma: Naw, mon! Mancala: Dammit. Once you have lost 30 minutes of your life re-doing this segment, because let's be honest: no guide can help you here... you then get a timer for Hiro and Loyroll's segment. The better you did (whatever arbitrary criterion the game uses to gauge that) dictates how much time you have to peep. Hiro and Loyroll crawl behind some potted plants and hunker down. Hiro: I feel like I need to be arrested for this. Loyroll: Think about it this way: you could be playing the SuperWorld Urania games. Hiro: Yes, that would make me feel much worse. I suppose given that, I should be grateful. Loyroll: Ah, here she comes now. Prepare your short-term memory, my friend! Here, the game goes into a... very uncomfortable first-person view, sort of like the movie-made-game, Triassic Zoo, and you have to time when you pop from your hiding spot to get a glance at her rear end. You can't actually SEE the code in this format, as this is the limited SNES rendering capacity, it's more like looking at two peaches combat a Mode 7 block of blue. By, uh... humping the bajeezus out of it. The point is, by seeing her butt, you fill a meter at the bottom and when it caps out, you're done with this quest and the SNES's limited online capability automatically registers you to the FBI sex offenders registry as a convenient step! Welcome to 1992! The internet is already here! Hiro: I feel unclean. Loyroll: Ass do I. Hiro: What? Loyroll: I agreed with you. Hiro: You said “ass”. Loyroll: I did no such thing! Hiro: Butt you did! Loyroll: You just spelled “butt” wrong! Hiro: I did not. I derriere say you're trying to-- Loyroll: Derriere? Really now? Hiro: Dammit, I did say that, didn't I? Loyroll: … Let's agree to never speak of this again. Hiro: Agreed. The two depart and the party reunites back in the main floor area, meeting Nagi there. Ozma: So, that was degrading in ways I never knew possible... Mancala: But we're getting rave reviews! Kimyawa: Did nii-chan-tachi get the code?! Loyroll: We did. In order: Green, Blue, and Red. Hiro: Y'know, we probably could've just... guessed that. Nagi: Quickly, while the castle is still distracted. Now is our chance! Nagi then automatically guides you to the vault. There, Hiro enters the code. Hiro: Alright, that should do it. … Why isn't anything happenin-- Suddenly, four suits of armor that line the walls rush out and surround the party. Hiro: What the--?! A trap?! Nagi: A security measure! That must not be the code... wait, I get it! Because it's on her ass, she has to put the code in INSIDE-OUT! Mancala: Of course! It's brilliant! That way, only by getting her head out of her own ass can this plotline go forward! Hiro: What?! Suddenly, guards and the Queen storm in. Queen: How dare you! You were going to try to steal my sacred treasure, my gift to my one and only Jay-bird?! Mancala: You nicknamed her? Really? Queen: Your entire drama troupe is TOTALLY getting a bad review on Telp now!! Hiro: Listen, your highness, it's just that-- Queen: Look, he's totally oppressing me! YOU SEE IT, DON'T YOU?! Deima: Oh gods above, shut your face. Or your ass. I frankly can't see a difference in the two. And believe me, I got a good look at both! You're so self-righteous and full of yourself you can't even see that you're being played for a sucker! Queen: But Jaydea and I are gonna get Mormonly married and then we're gonna have all of the babies!! Deima: I... I'm ignoring that entire sentence for your benefit. But beyond that, if the Dark Puddings get what they want, you won't have the CHANCE! They're going to bring a great and terrible evil into this world! No one will be getting married and living happily ever after if they get the talismans! Be a good little girl and just give it to us nice and easy, or else aunt Deima is gonna have to-- Queen: You old sow! You wouldn't know what it's like to be loved, you furry fossil! Deima: DA FUQ YOU JUST SAY, HO?! Now, at this point in the SNES version, the screen just whites out and implied Deima cast a spell. In the GBA remake, we actually get an amusing cutscene that accompanies this moment, as we fly-on-the-wall over to Jaydea's crew, riding an airship towards ToneLand. Jaydea: ETA? Guard: About 30 minutes to ToneLand, Lady Jaydea! Jaydea: Excellent. I'll have that Wind Talisman in no time at all! Guard: Ma'am! A quick update! Jaydea: What is it? Guard: The palace, it appears to be... A huge, white laser flies by the side window, evaporating birds that were previously flying in the background. Guard: Exploding. Jaydea: … [Sigh]. Okay, guys. Executive decision. Turn around. We're going back. Forward a message to Lord Zoddon to stop by a MockBuster and rent something steamy for this weekend; no one's getting laid tonight. Guard: The one with the, quote, “Hunky German Guys”? Jaydea: That's the ticket. Back to the party, with the vault room now in ruins. The armor suits are laid to waste and the vault door is just gone now. Deima's hair is erratic and unkempt, as the women are running around the room wildly as Hiro and Loyroll stand a safe distance away. Deima has the Queen in a headlock. Deima: SAY IT! SAY IT!!! HOW OLD AM I?! Queen: T-t-twenty-five!!! Deima: DAMN STRAIGHT!! Hiro: Should... we be doing something? Loyroll: I strongly advise against that, friend. And ruin my hair? Not on your life. Kimyawa: Deima-chan! Stop! Onegai! The whole building'll come down! Ozma: Are you crazy?! Stop it already!!! Deima: I'mma kill this ho! She's more pathetic and pandering than Kimyawa! Kimyawa: HEY! I only pander a LITTLE! … A lot. A LOTTLE! At least I'm not some roided-up amazon! Seriously, who's fetish is she trying to appeal to?! Don't tell me you can get abs you grate cheese on just by doing sit-ups and drinking juice! You should get a cute, smooth tummy like mine! Ozma: The HELL you just say?! You can't even get your top in a top! If you wanna talk about fake body parts... Kimyawa: GASP!!! MY OPPAI ARE NATURAL!!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!! You bring shame upon Kimyawa's okaa-san! Mancala: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING HALF THE TIME! Are you literate?! Hiro: This is seriously going to Hell. C'mon, Loyroll, let's grab the talisman and just leave. Loyroll: Slight problem with that... Ozma: Where do you two think YOU'RE going?! Stand up for my honor! Hiro: Err... Kimyawa: Onii-chan! SAIKYOU NO SENSHI! Loyroll: Oh dear... Mancala: I'll pay you 30 zenny and three photos of Ozma in the buff if you side with me instead. Deima: Hiro! Be a man! Pick a side! Hiro: WHAT?! Why does this chapter hate me?! The game pull a fast one here by presenting you a five-way prompt, the options being: I side with Ozma I side with Kimyawa I side with Mancala I side with Deima or I have three remaining transformations! But you don't actually get the chance to pick any of these as the prompt is immediately taken away from you. The astute hex editors among you will notice that even if you did try to run the prompt, it'll just cue the next event anyway. The camera pans up a little, above the dust cloud the cat fight erupts into as Ceuri, one of the Heavenly Kings of the Dark Puddings, casually strolls right in and grabs the Wind Talisman from the vault stand. Ceuri: Thanks for the gift! Bye-bye now! Hiro: No! That was one of the Dark Puddings we saw!! Girls! Girls, stop! We have bigger problems to deal with!! Ozma: We sure DO! How do you even stand upright with that frame, you damned coconut tree?! Mancala: Don't talk smack to her, you roid-raging berserker! You have like the second-largest melons in this game!! Kimyawa: Baka! Baka! Jealousy is NOT kawaii! Deima: Hey, all this in-fighting gives me an idea for a new attack! I call this Hissatsu Zenkai Suki!!! Hiro: DEIMA, NO!!! And the entire screen whites out with a violent explosion sound effect. You're then informed that Deima's hilariously over-powered Hissatsu Zenkai Suki attack is unlocked now. The scene fades back in with the party in the castle's traction ward, everyone laid out. Deima: Gela-gela-gela! That was fun! We really needed to get that inter-party tension out! Loyroll: You're insane. You nearly killed us all, y'know... Ozma: But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel rather refreshed after all that. Kimyawa: Hai! Mancala: Now that you mention it... Here, we're informed that the new team-wide attack Girl Power (JP: Lovely Dancing Cherry Blossom Unyielding Death Force) has been unlocked. You can use it when your front line is the four ladies of our party. It deals massive, non-element magic damage to all enemies and runs the risk of inflicting Red on enemies. Hiro: Not my idea of fun. And because we were busy bickering amongst ourselves, they got away with the Wind Talisman! Loyroll: A most un-fabulous turn of events, put mildly. What's the plan? Hiro: This can't be ignored. We'll have to pursue. Nagi walks in from the door. Nagi: We're, uh, awful sorry for the turn of events. Here. Take this. Hiro gets the Dreamcatcher Mirror. Hiro: This is...? Nagi: It allows one to view and to subsequently enter peoples dreams. It is a legendary artifact and treasure of our kingdom and my small way of saying: please, never come here again. You are officially persona au gratin. Hiro: But that means-- Mancala: Shh. Just... let her dream. At this point, there's actually two last areas in this chapter and we can tackle them in basically any order we want. But let's the worse of the two first and get it out of the way. But first, to ease our pain, we can go noodling in a nearby well and find the PDGShld for Hiro. If we travel to the river encircling Toruble, we can also get the PGDArmr for him. There will be more of this later, but it's a tremendous boost in defense and one he can carry to the final boss. Now we need to go to Mermania, go north to the mainland, then head west a ways until we hit the Miner Reservation, Diggould. Around here, though, if you head south through the small forested area, you can find another Pudding Shrine! This one is a little different, in that if you do not have the Pudding Shield, you can't enter here. Inside, Hiro is split from the party by a transparent barrier and meets with a spirit inside. Hiro: Alright. I'm ready for this. Spirit: Welcome, Hiro, Son of Pudding. I am St. Tastius. In order to take your abilities one step further, you must meet my challenge head-on. Are you ready? Hiro: Almost. I have one question first before we do. St. Tastius: Okay. Ask away. Hiro: St. Tastius? Are you serious? More like St. Tasti-less. St. Tastius: You're going to fight a giant emu now. Hiro: Wait, what?

-Boss Fight!- Giant Emu LP: 25,000 MP: 5000 Well, at least he was being honest. Giant Emu is fast and will usually take its turn before Hiro who, as usual, cannot use a Pudding Form worth using and thus must prioritize healing as necessary to ensure the next round is not fatal. The biggest challenge here is that while Giant Emu lacks special attacks, it will sometimes follow up its normal attack with “Pancake Batter”, a follow-up move that deals 80% damage too, meaning Hiro is going to be bleeding LP throughout this battle. Heal often and if you picked up any attack items, now might well be the time to utilize them! -Boss Fight!- Hiro: That was... okay. Well, tell me, what amazing ability fusion has this granted me? St. Tastius: The newest member of your party may now fuse with you to create the Trout Pudding Fused Form. Hiro: Sounds good. What's it do? St. Tastius: It will always deal critical damage to fish-type enemies! Hiro: … And? St. Tastius: What? Hiro: And what else? Fish-type enemies only appear in one area of the game and we've been through there like a dozen times now. What else does it do? St. Tastius: … Hiro: Oh gods, that's it, isn't it? You just used this as a filler dungeon! St. Tastius: Yeah. Sorry. Better luck next time. Hiro: What the hell is Trout-flavored Pudding anyway?! Good grief... Sadly, the description is apt. It will do critical to fish-type enemies, but will not effect other types at all. This pudding power is absolutely worthless. Anyway, now we can go to Diggould proper. Which is a literal hole-in-the-ground. Deima: Ah. Diggould. This is a town filled with miners. “Town” might be a stretch though. “Civilization” is also kinda pushing it. Hiro: What's wrong with this place? Deima: Well, look at it. It's a literal hole. There's not even electricity and A/C! Hiro: But that wasn't even invented until the Industrial Revolution and this is a swords-and-sorcery setting! Deima: Yeah. Sure it is. Cough. Hiro: I really hate it when you guys speak aloud onomatopoeia. Just sayin'... Miner: Howdy, folks. Welcome to Diggould, proud capital of the miners. Deima: Is it REALLY a capital when it's the only city you have to your name? Miner: Sure it is! You could even say... it's a CAPITAL CITY! … Get it? 'Cuz... capital can also mean “good”? Deima: So, as I was saying, I don't like this place... We're then free to explore the holes in the wall that pass as buildings here and even get Loyroll the DigrPNTS to make up for his not getting any armor upgrades recently. Once we explore the room on the right, we see Moore the Miner from before, laying asleep in a bed. Mayor: Oh! Guests! Forgive our poor demeanor. We have quite a pickle on our hands and, seeing as you're here, maybe you could lend us a hand! Hiro: Sure! Deima: [Sigh]. Okay. Mayor: So, our dear Lead Miner, Moore, has fallen into a deep sleep and we can't find means to awaken him! We fear a terrible curse is placed upon him! Hiro: I think we have just the ticket! At this point, the conversation would just very abruptly end if you came here before finishing ToneLand's story line. But as we have the Dreamcatcher Mirror, Hiro insists on butting in. He goes to Moore and holds up the mirror. Hiro: I see... a giant, burning middle finger? No, wait, that's a field. … Lined with skeletons. Kimyawa: Miner-kun was REALLY into heavy metal. Mayor: HEY-YO! Kimyawa: Nani? … Oh. I get it. Heavy. Metal. He's a miner. Mayor: Now you're getting into the spirit of our sophisticated sense of humor. Kimyawa: … Hiro: I see an island and a tower in the north. This is no ordinary dream. It looks as though some terrible force is keeping him locked in his sleep. We may have to use the mirror to enter in and directly intervene. Deima: You better be glad you're at least an 8, or I wouldn't even entertain the notion. Ozma: He's a solid 9, 10 if you get rid of those braids! Kimyawa: Dame desu, the braids are kawaii! Hiro: Hm? Did you three say something? Deima: No, nothing at all. Hiro: Alright. Let's prepare and enter into Moore's Dream! Prepare yourself and check Moore again. Hiro will hand the mirror to a miner NPC, and the team warps in, arriving via a singular bed. Hiro: OH GODS, MY MOST OF ME!!! Why am I on the very bottom?! Ozma: Wow. I didn't know you could even balance so many people on one bed! Kimyawa: Onee-chan! Please to be getting off me now, onegai! Loyroll: What an inconvenient mode of transport. Usually I'd consider the bed a gateway to many wonderful things, but this is not what I had in mind... The party quickly files out and are met by a generic miner sprite. Miner: You have to help! Moore's in trouble! Hiro: Yes. We gathered as much. Miner: His very personality was shattered and scattered across his subconscious mind! Deima: Miner's have personalities? Kimyawa: Deima-chan! Deima: What? You were thinking it too. Miner: This is the settlement of Hartmann, a safe haven. This is once where his entire personality resided, but since the coming of a great evil, they have been sent all across this world. Please, find them and reunite them, so we may form Courage, and fight back! Hiro: Sounds like a plan. Where shall we go from here? Miner: The evil awaits you in Freud's Tower in the north, but without Courage, it remains unassailable. You should go through Jung's Field to the east, and explore Skinner's Hut, and don't forget Bandura's Woods! Hiro: Okay. Let's explore those areas first then. The first area we can go to is Jung's Field... so let's not go there. Instead, hang east a little further to go to Skinner's Hut, a perfectly cubical house. Inside, we see Moore. Moore: Me? I'm not Moore, you fuckstick. I'm Anger! Hiro: I didn't even say anything. Could you dial it back a little? Moore: HELL NO! I'm Anger! Hiro: Oh. Right. So, can you come with us? Moore: You trying to tell me what to do, pretty boy? I'll mess you up so bad... uhh... so bad, that YOU'LL WISH I DIDN'T MESS YOU UP SO BAD! Hiro: Apparently Wit isn't here with Anger. Moore: I WILL CRUSH Y-- Ozma punches Anger in the gut, dropping him like a stone. Ozma: There. We can drop him off in Hartmann when we go there next. Hiro: A little... sudden, but it does work! Got Moore's Anger! Now we can go to Bandura's Woods, where annoying Psyche Munchkins appear, alongside HypnOwls, both of whom can put the party to sleep. This is annoying more than dangerous. If you wheel through the forest a bit, you'll find another Moore within. Moore: A-bloo-bloo-bloooo... Hiro: Um. Are you okay? Moore: I-I'm Sad! Hiro: So I see. Moore: No, I'm Sadness. Like, the emotion. W-without the others, all I can do is hide away and c-cryyy! Abloo-bloo-bloo. Ozma: Hiro, this may require a woman's touch. Ozma goes to Sadness, placing a hand on his shoulder. Moore: A-are you here to tell me that everything's going to be okay and pet me on the head? Ozma: No, it's just your voice is super annoying, so stop crying or I'm gonna deck you. Get in the car, loser, we're finding Courage. Got Moore's Sadness! Now, we can head north to Pavlov's Pavilion. And here's where that insidious international release censorship rears its head in a big way. In the Japanese, the pavilion was a casino, filled with gambling minigames and voluptuous chimera-women who insist they'll sleep with anyone who is up for a “romp” with them. You open the door to the next emotion by gambling enough tokens until you get 250 and paying to access it. In the international versions, however, this place is a technicolor candy land, where penguins, rabbits, puppies, and kittens tell you how much they “wuv” you and give you candy hearts. Once you collect 25 candy hearts, you can ford the Strawberry River and the riverman, amusingly named Branches, ferries you across. Either way, Loyroll will protest the scene, either for being “boring” or for being “too saccharine”, depending on version, and insist he misses killing dinosaurs instead. Either way, the locked door opens and you'll find another emotion. Moore: Ugh. This place is gross. I can't stand it! And YOU! You were frolicking around in there! YOU'RE gross too! Kimyawa: Dame! You act all high and mighty, but you're the one who came here first! If you hate it so, then nandaiyo?! Maybe you're not so “above it all” either! Moore: ugh! You're just spilling out of your top! You're so gross! Have some respect for yourself! Kimyawa: My oppai are proud and bountiful! I represent the abundant harvest of autumn, baka! The emotion YOU need is “PRIDE”! You need to love yourself and surround yourself with those that love you! Then you'll realize you ARE beautiful, and need only live up to your own expectations, as high as you wish to set them! Moore: Ugh. Motivational speeches disgust me. Kimyawa: … [Snap]. Kimyawa grapples Disgust and German suplexes him, unlocking her new attack, uh, German Suplex, a terrifyingly powerful single-target skill that is calculated off her speed stat. Kimyawa: BAKA-BAKA-BAKA!!! Moore: Oooooogh... pretty stars... Got Moore's Disgust! Next, we can head to the small town, Vygotski, in the south where there's a consumable item shop and the next emotion and not much else. Moore: Wow! What a great day! Oh, hi there! I'm Moore's Joy! Deima: The hell're you so chipper about? Moore: What ISN'T there to be chipper about?! I'm in a wonderful town, and some wonderful new visitors are here! This is a chance to make new friends! Hiro: I like this guy. He's as blissfully naive as I once was. Good times... Moore: So, we're friends now, right? Let me accompany you! Hiro: Wow. If everyone in the world was like this, I wouldn't feel perpetually like the world is made of cardboard. And soaked in ethanol. And that the torch was thrust into my hands. Ozma: Hiro? A-are you okay? Hiro: Why, Pudding Elder? Why am I the hero? Emilia's the hero. I'm an accident. I was born because my mom can't hold her liquor. Deima: Oh dear. The weight of reality finally broke him. Kimyawa: Does this mean we have to go into Hiro-nii-chan's head? Loyroll: Let's put a raincheck on that for now, hm? Got Moore's Joy. And now, there will be no more joy, as we have to cross Jung's Field. Ugh. How do I put this... imagine a landmine field with no markers and lots and lots of landmines. The landmines also reset after detonating. And they do this infinitely. And the safe road across is about 2 blocks wide. And the METHOD FOR DOING THIS PUZZLE WAS REMOVED IN THE INTERNATIONAL VERSION! Welcome to Amazing Quest 1's worst dungeon! So, in the Japanese version, there was a yellow face icon that would appear at the bottom of the screen. As you progressed, his eyes would point towards the nearest mine. If you were one step away from a mine, he'd get this psychotic, shit-eating grin, warning you that you were close. You could use this to parse the path without ever taking damage fairly reliably. Why did they remove this? I don't know. Why did Jaydea get drunk on a non-alcoholic drink in AQ2? The world will never know. The sole catharsis to be found here is that at the midway point, we find that yellow-faced smiling jackass and he's the boss of this area. -Boss Fight!- Dost Mine Eyes LP: 35,000 MP: 10,000 Oh, this fight. How do I explain this fight. The short version would just be the words “NOT FUN” repeated about 20,000 times. But to be more exact, DME here not only mocks you throughout with lines like “Are we having fun yet?” and “Take it easy!” as he attacks you. When he says “Look out!” he hurls a series of bombs at you, and like another Jeffcom+DTK series, which shall remain nameless, there is no defense against bombs. They just do craptons of damage. In fact, that's kind of this guy's thing. He doesn't have a means to inflict status ailments, but he has tons of health and his defense is the highest by far that we've yet seen and all his attacks are seriously OP. The one upside is all of his damage is calculated as physical damage, so if you rebalance your defense acKordingly, you can help mitigate the damage dealt. There's a reason this guy became a meme in the fandom for moments of the series that are horrifically imbalanced and not fun. -Boss Fight!- Thankfully, upon his defeat, the mines in the area are cleared out, and we're allowed to move north to the last emotion. Moore: I-I'm not going out there! It's too scary! Loyroll: If you mean the buffoon with the terrifying face, we took care of him already. Moore: The world is too scary! I'm just gonna hide here. I think it's the least-scary place. Loyroll: Boy, listen to me and listen well. Fear will always be with you. It is a phantom that insists on riding astride your shoulder for your entire journey of life. And that's okay. Because the ultimate dance of fates will not be casting fear off, but embracing it as a part of who you are, and mastering it. THAT, in truth, is “courage”! You, as Fear, are not antithetical to bravery, you are, in fact, its very core! Moore: W-wow! Despite being a foppish poof, you make a really good point! Loyroll: I prefer to think of myself as “fabulous”, thank you very much... But you know what I do when I become scared? I freak fear the fuck out!!! Hiro: He's not kidding. That's actually what he does. Moore: Meep! I better get back to Hartmann! I-I think I hear the others calling for me! Got Moore's Fear! With this, we have all of Moore's scattered emotions back at Hartmann! Go back now and you'll see many, many copies of Moore here, including a few not named in the international version. Moore: Thank you all. Thanks to you, we can reunite ourselves and find Courage! Then we'll be able to launch our counterattack on the evil in Freud's Tower! All the Moore pile onto one square as the screen whites out, revealing the completed Moore, Courage. Moore: Alright! At last, I feel ready to go! Hiro: Great! Welcome to the team, Moore! Moore joins the party! … It's just a damn shame his stats are terrible. His physical stats are eclipsed by Ozma, his magic stats are over-shadowed by Deima, and his few skills are weaker versions of Kimyawa's and Loyroll's. His HP is lower than Hiro's and he has only enough MP to launch two casts of any of his abilities! Seriously, JeffCom, are you TRYING to make your fans hate you? At any rate, it's time to visit the unfortunately-shaped Freud's Tower! As the party approaches, they see the tower seems to shift in and out of existence, almost like actually viewing a dream in physical space. Hiro: It... it's growing?! Moore: And it's shaped like a plump helmet! Loyroll: It's really getting huge! Kimyawa: Sugoi... Deima: I've seen better. Enter the tower. The walls shift in and out of visibility here, but retain their solid qualities, meaning that the tiny 1-block-wide paths that you must navigate aren't even in view half the time. This place should be called “Test of Patience Tower”, or perhaps Testy Tower for short. HEY-YO! Obvious jokes aside, you just navigate it until you find an armored man standing in front of some stairs. Man: Ho-ho! You'll not go a step further! Hiro: Did you do this to Moore? Answer, Dark Pudding dog! Man: Dog?! You dare address the great Praetorian Soh as a dog?! Hiro: Oh, geez, not another one of you guys... Soh: The great Heavenly King, Modt, entrusted to me-- wait, did you just say “another”? Hiro: Yeah, there were these other Praetorian guys I ran into earlier... don't really recall their names. Soh: So you are the ones who brutally ended the reign of glory that Praetorian Doh, Rei, Mih, and Faa battled so brilliantly for! My brothers-in-arms! I shall avenge their untimely deaths! Kimyawa: One was a woman! Soh: I was speaking poetically. Now, you shall face the unparalleled might of the Burning Soh! Hiro: What kind of dastardly trick do you have?! Soh: Trick? No. I shall explain my powers in-full, thus that we may fight as honorable men of valor! Kimyawa: And women of valor! Soh: Yes, that too! My power... witness and tremble!! Soh then bursts aflame as he removes his helmet, revealing a chiseled visage and bald, shining head. Soh: Yes! I see you are left speechless by my overwhelming abilities! Many have had that reaction to this unstoppable force before y-- Hiro: So, that's it? You ignite yourself? Soh: I... um... well, yes. It's a very powerful attack. Deima: Actually, we've fought fire-themed monsters before now. Hiro: Didn't that one guy have the power to harden his body like armor? Now that was a power to respect. Ozma: I'll say. Or the guy who summoned lightning. I liked that one, myself. Kimyawa: Jiji-chan, is that why you don't have hair anymore? Did you singe it all off?! Soh: What?! No! I-I have eyebrows! See? And do you have any idea how long it takes to learn to not only set yourself on fire, but not hurt yourself doing so?! A long time, that's what! Loyroll: So, when you shower, does it just become steam? Is every bath a steam bath? Soh: No! That's not how this works!!! Oh, gods, this is not going like I imagined it would... Mancala: Oh, I got one! He must be a... hot commodity! Ooooooh! Soh: That tears it. You're all dead. -Boss Fight!- Praetorian Soh LP: 45,000 MP: 5000 So, Soh is just a so-so battle, so there's really nothing in particular so great about Soh. He can use different fire spells and cause damage over time with burns, but if you got some aloe vera in ToneLand, that's a non-issue. Plus Mancala's water-based abilities and Ozma's ability to debuff defense works as a great two-fer in this battle. Hiro may ultimately play more a support role this time around! So, Soh realizes you reap what you sow! -Boss Fight!- Soh: My brothers... and sister... I'm sorry. I... I have failed you. There remains but two who may reclaim our honor now. The joke's on you, foolish Light Puddings... there is no way out of this maze. You'll wander its halls alongside my spirit for all of eternity... Deima: For a bunch of cowards who chose to pick on people who live in literal holes in the dirt, they retain a high degree of pride. Mancala: Yes, but why? He said this was a direct order from Modt, so there must've been a strategic gain in doing so. We need to investigate further! Hiro: Hey, guys, if we go up the stairs here, we can get out! Loyroll: Seems he was mistaken in telling us there was no means out. What a pointless interlude. The party returns to Moore's room, no worse for wear. Moore: I had... a long, strange dream. Deima: Believe us, we know. We saw it. Kimyawa: We saw everything. Moore: Um. S-so, obviously, the only way to repay you is to join you on your quest! As a miner, I can open holes in select places on the map! Hiro: That sounds selectively useful. Welcome to the team, Moore! Again? Moore: A-are you going to put me on the bench again? Hiro: Yeah, probably, if we're just being honest here. Moore: It's okay. I'm kind of a booty guy myself. Kimyawa: Baka hentai!!! Stare at your own risk!!! We then depart and head hard south for a while. Eventually, it starts snowing as we enter a small hamlet named Heat. Deima: Haha! These people have a great sense of irony! Hiro: I dunno. I've never heard of people bagging on their own town when they named it. Something seems out of place. Old Man: You got that right, sonny boy! This is one of the toastiest tropical paradises on Earth, but since that dastard Modt moved into the Weather Station, we've been in a deep freeze! Hiro: Does... this town only exist to solidify Modt as a proper villain? Old Man: pardon? Hiro: I mean... the first heavenly king was about to bring a countryside to its knees with his mad science chemistry set. But now that we're here, Modt's rap sheet kind of has the sum total of “mild inconveniencing a single guy in a single town”. Moore: Hey... Hiro: Just thinking out loud here. Ozma: Even so, we can't let his reign of... mild inconvenience stand. We should go to the Weather Station and sort this mess out. So, head to the Weather Station. It's on top of the hill, to the south-east. You can access it by going south, then heading north up the slope. The Weather Station is a large, white tower, because that's a unique motif in this franchise. Inside are mazes that try to differentiate themselves from the Freud Tower and fail. Each of them has a different weather motif, like rain, clouds (which has a very nice reflective motif, as the floor is lightly coated in water), and ice sliding puzzles. The problem is that these motifs don't actually add very much and these concepts were done far more interestingly in the Cognami “Our UV Radiation!” series of GBA games. At the top floor, Modt awaits us, floating menacingly in front of a machine not dissimilar to the one we saw in the quake control room. Hiro: Give it up, Modt, you're surrounded and trapped with no where to go. Give up peacefully and face justice for your crimes or we'll resort to violence. Deima: Which would be faster. And... y'know... a lot more fun. Modt: Oh-ho, threatening me, are we? Well, little do you know my true power is drawing things from MY dream world into this reality! Ozma: What does that amount to? Modt: Uh. Hot girls, mostly. Moore: Mm... Moore nods sagely here. Modt: Okay, that's not going to fly here. Very well! I'll try a DIFFERENT TACTIC! Hiro: Say what now? Modt rears back and slams into Hiro, knocking him flat. Ozma: Hiro?! Deima: Dammit, that little rat! He was ready for this! Grab that damnable mirror and let's get after him!! Loyroll flashes the mirror, which fires a laser beam, blackening Hiro's face comedically. Loyroll: Oops. Sorry. Two legendary mirrors and all. Got 'em confused. Loyroll flashes the other mirror, which causes the screen to white out again as they enter... a recolored, slightly-rearranged version of Moore's subcon island... God, I hate this stretch of the game. There's only two landmarks, though, a town where you can rest and buy items, all stationed by copies of Hiro. To the north is... ugh... another white tower where Modt awaits us. Have I mentioned that I hate this stretch of the game? Cuz I do. Anyways, the Tower of Doubt tries some unique maze shenanigans, like spinning the camera randomly (useless as your party remains pointed in the same direction anyway), and teleport maze (which isn't complicated at all) and some other things. What's actually interesting here is that, in various rooms, we see shadows of Hiro and other characters speaking. In the entryway we get: Ozma: Wh-what's that? Shadow Hiro: I'm not the savior of our tribe. I couldn't even save my sister or my hometown from the Dark Puddings. People died because I was weak. Kimyawa: Hiro-ni-chan... Then, in the stairwell: Shadow Hiro: Towns are falling in around me. I can't stop this senseless destruction. Why... why can I not stop them?! Deima: I see... this is the manifestation of Hiro's inner demons. Naturally, Modt would come here to find weaknesses. Ozma: … On the second floor's largest room: Shadow Emilia: You mustn't give up! We can save them! Shadow Hiro: I can't! You know that already, Emilia, so why? Do you just like hitting me that much?! Shadow Emilia: … Well, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a little schadenfreude involved... Shadow Hiro: Just stop it. You're the savior of our tribe. I'm... just a mistake. Shadow Hiro walks away, throwing down a wooden, training sword. Loyroll: Seems our fearless leader is quite the basket case. Kimyawa: He's tearing himself apart... Here, we pick up the key item, Memory of Emilia, from the training sword. At the stairwell to the third floor: Ozma: Is that... me? Deima: More likely, it's the way he views you... Shadow Ozma: I have the weight of a kingdom riding on me... so I must be strong enough to shoulder this burden. Shadow Hiro: If I let her down... then I'm letting down an entire kingdom again...! I can't... I'm not strong enough...!!! Damn it!!! Shadow Hiro falls to his knees. Shadow Ozma fades away, leaving a round object on the floor. Shadow Hiro: Ozma, I'm sorry... Ozma: … Sniff, hic... Hiro, don't apologize... From the round object, you get Memory of Ozma. At the T-intersection on the third floor: Kimyawa: Onii-chan, it's us! Loyroll: This will give us fascinating insight to our relationship. Shadow Kimyawa: Hallo, alter brueder! Ich bin die fraulein mit die grosse brueste! Shadow Loyroll: FAAAAAABULOOOOOUS!!! Loyroll: I feel like I should be offended here, but he did use my favorite word so... Kimyawa: Etto... Shadow Kimywa: I'm never going to give up! I'll remain perky and ready 'til the very end! Shadow Loyroll: The pride of my tribe spurs me on to greater heights! But if you want my best weapons, you'd best pony up... Shadow Hiro: How... you guys are always together, and you never stop trying... but when the chips were down, I couldn't do anything to save my own sister... Loyroll: Ah, Hiro, always making mountains of molehills. Deima: Tee-hee. She said “perky”. And you said “mountains”. Kimyawa: He thinks so highly of us but so lowly of himself... poor Hiro-nii-chan. The two shadows leave behind twin blades, which are Memories of Loyroll and Memories of Kimyawa. At the stairwell to the fourth floor, a shadow of Deima, holding a fish bowl in her hands is there. Deima: Ah, the interesting part! Shadow Deima: I, mighty sorceress and ally of the Pudding tribe, shall aid you for now, unworthy successor. Deima: ! I... never said anything of the sort!!! Is that how little you think of me, boy?! Shadow Fish: HOLLA HOLLA GET DOLLA!!! Mancala: Wait, is that supposed to be me?! That son of a bitch!!! The Shadows of Deima and Mancala leave behind twin rods, which you collect as Memories of Deima and Memories of Fish. That's not a mistranslation, that's the actual item name. With these, we can go to the fourth final floor, which is comprised of two rooms. The first has the last shadow scene. Shadow Hiro: My friends depend so much on me, but I'm just a failure. In the end, I'll just let everyone down again. From the day I was born, no one minded me because Emilia was the destined, chosen pudding hero. Surrounded by people at all times, I have never felt so utterly alone. Ozma: I can't believe he's felt this way the whole time and never told us. Loyroll: Perhaps it was merely that I'm the only one who actually pays attention around here, but he was being pretty obvious about his feelings from the start. Maybe you were just hearing what you wanted to hear. Deima: … Tch. Kimyawa: I-I think that's him up ahead! Mancala: Is Modt already there?! Don't tell me we're too late! I really need to smack him one!!! Ozma: Hiro or Modt? Mancala: Yes. The party proceeds forward after collecting “Memories of Self” and finds Modt and Hiro. Modt is openly weeping and Hiro is talking. Hiro: And that's when I realize that no matter how hard I try, I'll still end up dying scared, tired, and alone – as I lived, unloved and hopeless! Modt: OH GODS ABOVE MAKE THIS GUY STOP TALKING ALREADY!! Ozma: Hiro! We're here to, um... save you? Mancala: Actually, it looks like Modt is about ready to concede. Modt: Oh, thank goodness, you're here! Can you shut this guy up?! Hiro: But, I mean, I figured you were in my head anyway. I figured I'd go ahead and make my internal monologue external! Feels good to get it off my chest! Modt: Oh, to hell with it. I'll just summon your worst fears and crush you all! Some very strange creatures begin raining in from above. Hiro assumes the fetal position here as his eyes bug out. Modt: Wait... what are those things?! Hiro: Oh gods, no! Spiders with baboon heads!! Modt: … what?! Hiro: Emilia told me about them when I was little! They build nests on your roof and slowly inch their way down at night. They steal little kids and take them away to live in jungles and eat spider-bananas! But every time I try to climb I tree, I fall out and hurt myself! I could never survive in that kind of judgmental culture!!! Modt: What?! What is wrong with you?! Why is everything wrong with you?! Ozma: Hiro, it's okay. Hiro: Huh? Ozma: Hiro... come here. Ozma kneels and hugs Hiro. Hiro: … Um. Ozma: Everyone has fears and doubts. And none of us stand alone. We all have our quirks and eccentricities. Some of us are even Loyroll. Loyroll: Heh! Jealousy is unbecoming of you, princess! Ozma: But that's okay. Because we love you not despite your weaknesses, but in part, because of them. Mancala: Except me. I'm still pretty sore. Ozma: These memories are themselves, sacred treasures, and so is our friendship. Stop exalting us by condemning yourself. When you hurt, we hurt. Mancala: Again, except me. Ozma: Stand up, Hiro. Hiro and Ozma rise. Ozma: 'cuz it's time to KICK SOME ASS!!! Modt: Oh, dammit!!! -Boss Fight!- Heavenly King Modt LP: 50,000 MP: 25,000 Here, Hiro will automatically replace anyone you had in the first party slot, so be mindful of your alignment as you enter. As an interesting note, this battle does not actually play the Heavenly Kings' shared theme song: Steel Gauntlet. It actually play's Hiro's theme song: Blade that Shapes the Stars, which was remixed in later games into the better-known version: King of Pudding. Modt is by far the weakest and least-interesting of the Heavenly Kings, befitting his role in the story. He tries to inflict ennui on the party to try to control their movement, but it seems to have a low rate of success for some reason. Your best bet is to use Kimyawa and Loyroll's dual tech, if they're a high enough level to have it, the Double Downward Dog, which deals high light-based damage which Modt has no base resistance towards. I typically use the Chocolate-Raspberry Swirl, and use Hiro and Ozma's combined raw strength, due to a hidden, unexplained gimmick Modt has, as his elemental resistances go up when hit by magic and down when hit by physical damage. However, this is done by a very slight multiplier value, and as his light resist is 0, it will never change. He has no attacks that are major threats to a party that hasn't been running from every other fight. -Boss Fight!- Modt: God... damn... it! Seriously. This is how I die? In the head of some manic-depressive douchebag with an inferiority complex?! This sucks!!! Modt then explodes, violently hurling the party from Hiro's mind, causing them to re-appear in the Weather Station and Hiro to bolt upright. Hiro: EVEN IN MY HEAD?! Loyroll: Are you still on about that? Hiro: Yeah, but, in my HEAD?! Deima: I just checked the console. This looks like it's where the Wind Talisman was stored before it ended up in ToneLand. The damage was reversible and so, I think Heat should be thawed out now. Hiro: Everyone... thank you. I owe you a lot. Mancala: Yes you do. Hiro: Yes. Even you, Mancala. Mancala: Seriously. “Holla, holla, get dolla”? Hiro: In my defense, you did shill me as soon as you met me. Hiro gained: Confidence! Here, the memory items break down and become stat ups which make Hiro's pudding swirl forms even stronger! We now can use the exit warp. When we do, we end up in Heat's town square, which has indeed thawed and now is a tropical paradise! Hiro: Oh, thank goodness. Last time I tried to use one of those, it blew up! The people in town thank you profusely, and if you go noodling in the stream here, you'll obtain the PDNGCape accessory, rounding out Hiro's defenses. Now, we can travel through the waterfall in the south to move through to a new town, Warudo, only to see the inhabitants apparently walk backwards here. Trying to speak to them is useless as everything they say is written backwards. There's only one NPC we can speak to who won't just say “B+TCELES SSERP”. NPC: I returned from a hunting trip a few days ago and everyone is like this now. Talking to them is useless, they don't even seem to see us. Deima: There's powerful magic at work here. They're moving backwards through time, but also in a fixed loop. The only way to free them would be to destroy the source of the spell that put them in this condition in the first place. NPC: Oh, the only magically-aligned place around here would be the Clock Tower. Hiro: Is it a large, white, nondescript tower on a hill? NPC: Yes, why? Hiro: No reason. Loyroll: The Clock Tower, hm? Let's investigate. As there's no items to steal here, we move on to the east to yet another tower because good game design. The tower's primary gimmick are large clock buttons on the floor which run time forward or backward as you stand there. This will cause walls and other obstacles to be built, collapse, or change and you need to seek out the most effective means through by moving the dungeon forward or backward in time. Though, JeffCom apparently got tired of this motif after a while, as the dungeon actually only runs three floors before you reach the top. There, Ceuri awaits us. Ceuri: You! How did you escape my time loop?! Hiro: Uh. We were no where near it when you cast it. And you should know that for a fact, as you saw us in ToneLand when you stole the Wind Talisman. Ceuri: Uh. Um. Yes. Well, details! No one else in Warudo was spared! Kimyawa: Actually, there was one guy. Ceuri: Oh, son of a bitch, how many other people manage to conveniently avoid my spell, then?! Moore: Well, you missed my entire village AND the entire next village over. Ceuri: Yes, well, Modt called dibs and-- Modt's dead now, isn't he? Ozma: Do we even need to clarify that? Ceuri: … Ugh. It's hard to be the only competent person standing. Fine! Whatever. Let me just check in on what the hell's happening... A viewing portal opens in the middle of the room, showing the generic NPC from before. Ceuri: GASP! Hiro: Not you too! Ceuri: It's... it's Bob! Hiro: Who? Ceuri: My only friend from my childhood! Mancala: Oh no, we're going this direction, aren't we? Ceuri: My lady-feels demand I now RIP THE HELL OUT OF SPACE/TIME!!! Hiro: Oh boy... The party is sucked into the rift and very violently deposited out into an open field. Or, rather, Hiro is deposited here alone. In a very long stretch way from Warudo. Also, every single enemy here knows instant-death abilities. Because good game design! So, once you get into one random encounter and party wiped, you'll warp to the save point in Warudo at the low, low cost of half your currencies! I'm so glad chapter 6 is almost done. When you reunite with the others, they begin talking. Bob: Oh, looks like it's Ceuri causing this chaos. Sorry 'bout that. Yeah, she's always been a handful. Hiro: How did she even do this? Isn't that the talisman of wind? Not SPACE/TIME?! Bob: She's a chimera, you see, so she has, like, magic. Hiro: … Magic. Just... magic sufficient to rip time? Bob: Yup. Hiro massages his temples. Bob: Maybe I should go talk to her. Maybe we can convince her to stop this of her own volition. Hiro: Yeah, that's worked well so far. Let's go with his plan. Kimyawa: Not like we had anything better than that... Hiro: I'm being sarcastic. This plan is terrible. Bob: A'ight. Let's go. Hiro: Ugh. So, we traverse the Clock Tower again, doing the same puzzles again. Bob: Ceuri! Ceuri: Bob! Bob: Ceuri, could you... maybe stop? Ceuri: Hm. I mean, I could do that. Hiro: Really? Ceuri: No. Hiro: Figures. Bob: Pretty please? Ceuri: I have my thumb on their very pulses! I could advance their aging instantly and kill them all! Would you want that? Mancala: Shit, this escalated quickly. Loyroll: Wouldn't that also speed up them having marriages and children and just usher in a very fast-growing next generation? Ceuri: No, because reasons. Loyroll: But no matter the speed, wouldn't they still just experience it at what they perceive to be the “normal” pace because everyone else around them is too? Ceuri: I SAID NO! Loyroll: Just trying to help you out... Ceuri: That's it, my lady-feels demand RETRIBUTION! Bob: But our happy childhood that we'll never show the players-- Ceuri: I said NO, God damn it! Bob: Well, 'k. -Boss Fight!- Chimera Ceuri LP: Doesn't matter MP: Ditto This isn't a real boss fight. It just goes on a set number of turns as Ceuri turns into a big ol' gargoyle thing with huge clawed hands and wings. Just block for a few turns and this will end itself. -Boss Fight!- Ceuri: That's it, if you don't GTFO, those people are dust! Mancala: … It's too much. We gotta fall back for now. Deima: Holy crap, the tension is so high that even Mancala has developed a conscience! The party flees, or tries too, but gets put in another time warp, dropping them outside the tower again. The door is locked with the ominous phrase “Ceuri has made this door as closed as her mind is”. At this point, we fall back to town. Bob: This is pro'lly my fault for reasons I won't ever expound upon. Hiro: This would be a lot easier if you could explain your childhood friendship, you know. Bob: I know. But I'm not gonna. But the humans here didn't like her, because she was a chimera. Deima: Wait, is this franchise really going to a “xenophobia is bad” message here? Bob: Yup. Why? Deima: Oh. No reason. Bob: So, they threw her out. But I was friends with her. Somehow. Don't really care to explain any more. Kimyawa: Ah! Maybe a token of friendship from her past! Bob: Maybe Fruit. Hiro: Like a fruit basket? Bob: No, moron. Fruit. The specific one Fruit that's always capitalized. Hiro: So... not an apple or an orange. Just... Fruit. Bob: That's right. Grows on a tree south of here. Hiro: Well okay then... So now, you venture south to the peninsula, where you'll find a Fruit tree. Have Ozma punch it to obtain a Fruit. Now we can return to Clock Tower with Bob. Ceuri: That smell... could that be... Fruit?! Hiro: So she knows what it too? And by scent, apparently. So now we're informed that Ceuri's heart and the door lock have melted and we can go back in for the third time to face her at the top floor. Ceuri: I hurt Bob badly. He won't forgive me. Bob: I'm right here. Ceuri: I'm so tired of being evil. I'd rather be the stock cliché about the one female villain suddenly having a change of heart while her male compatriots are evil, soulless monsters. Hiro: Kinda makes me wonder why we're even here then. Ceuri: Here, take the Wind Talisman. Hiro: I... for serious? Wow. I, uh... I'm not used to things going my way. Or people listening to reason. Thanks! You got: Wind Talisman! Ceuri: Bob, can you ever forgive me? Bob: I've been thinkin'... lot of fish in the sea. … Bye. Bob walks out. As he does, Kord drives on screen. Kord: Heya! I've been talked about a lot, so I thought I'd stop by and-- oh, hey, I think I walked in on something... you guys okay? How's everyone doing? Hiro: Uhh. We're... we're good. Kord: Good! Glad to hear it. But, see, I haven't really done much of anything, except summon the Grim Reaper! And good job on beating him, by the way! Oh, Ceuri? Ceuri: Yeah? Kord: Here, I need to give you this. Ceuri: What's this? Kord: A pink slip. And this. Ceuri: I'm fired?! And what's THIS?! Kord: Notification to your next of kin. See, Jaydea doesn't take bad news very well. So... you kind of screwed the pooch in a big way. Deima: If no one minds, we're just gonna exist stage left. Kord: Oh, yeah, don't mind us! Just ironing out some internal politics! Hiro: But-- Deima: No buts. Go, go! The party arrives outside, and the entire freaking Clock Tower up and disappears. Hiro: … What was the point of this chapter? Deima: To remind everyone playing that this is a JeffCom game. C'mon, we only have two talismans remaining. The party moves off-screen. A moment after, Kord walks out of the crater where the Clock Tower used to be. Kord: Y'know, that was rude. Trying to erase me from space and time. That'd have been dangerous if it had been... y'know... actually dangerous. Stupid bint.

#Adventure #fantasy #fiction #science fantasy #infrequently asked questions #writing #Amazing Quest

1 note · View note

wedontcareaboutyourbinary · 7 years

Note

I think another flaw of "you are what you pass as" is that it assumes that absolutely everyone passes as one gender all the time, and that there's never signs that ppl pick up on. I have done nothing, transition wise, and I get sir-d or ma'am-d depending on my clothes, probably bcz of PCOS. As a kid, I said "I don't want to be either!" & ppl policed my gender expression more harshly than similarly dressed cis peers bcz of it. A former friend even said "you're not really a girl or boy, are you?"

Yup, absolutely. It’s an argument that demands simplification of the actual experiences that people have, and so fails to actually explain any of those experiences.

Coming at it from an aspiring engineer’s point of view: the scientific method approximately goes observation -> hypothesis -> prediction -> testing -> revision or theory. A lot of the theory (well, multiple hypotheses if we’re following my sequence pedantically, but who calls it ‘queer hypothesising’) tossed around on Tumblr fails on the ‘observation’ point, I think - people don’t take the actual experiences of the people they’re trying to talk about into account before jumping into their hypothesising, and it leads to theory that, while it may occasionally look neat, breaks down rather spectacularly once you bring the way people actually live into it.

‘You are what you pass as’ is a model that only works as long as the actual observations, the varying lived experiences, are ignored.

- Cade

#feel free to ignore my waxing poetic about science it's quite irrelevant #but if i'm going to input commentary on something we've been sent #then i can damn well actually make commentary and not just vague affirmative noises #we have emoticons for that #yourdangerousmind #answers

38 notes · View notes

heartbreakcity · 7 years

Text

87.5 RanDoM QuEstiOnS

okayyy, i’ve always wanted to do one of these !! hopefully you all know me a lil better afterwards

tagged by: the lovely @inspiredbynewt

tagging: @gilinswilkwhore & @maximoff-pan

♛ ♛ ♛ ♛ ♛ ♛ ♛

0.5) Name and age? Megan and i’m 16

1. Where do you live? Oxford, England. yes it rains, yes it’s cold.

2. One cool item you own? my record player, and i have my dads old band on vinyl (Faze Action - they’re the bomb.com) and my huge collection of photos clipped to fairy lights is cute

3. Moon or stars? moon

4. Places you’d like to travel to? E V E R Y W H E R E A N D A N Y W H E R E

5. Favourite song? a) A Sky Full Of Stars by Coldplay b) Isombard by Declan McKenna c) December 1963 (Oh What A Night) by Frankie Valley and The Four Seasons

6. Do you have any fears? Yup, it’s called Ostraconaphobia...and yes it’s ridiculous it’s the fear of...shellfish THEY TERRIFY ME I CAND DEal WITH IT

7. Do you feel different than you did last year? i’m so much happier, honestly i’m loving life

8. What is your race? White British

9. Pet peeves? loud and obnoxious people but that’s it.

10. Any siblings? a brother

11. Are you a gamer? depends on the game

12. Sexual orientation? straight

13. Does a broken mirror mean bad luck? oh hell yes

14. What do you feel is your mental age? ranges from a 3 year old to 50 year old

15. How old were you when you started dating? my first proper relationship where i was in love was at the age 15. some say it was too young but this guy was my everything and i saw my whole future with him. pity he said “you’re not good enough”, eh

16. Where do you do most of your online shopping? amazon or asos

17. Favourite animal? penguinsss

18. What’s one film from the 2000s that you like? hands down “13 going on 30” and the classic “Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging”

19. What’s your favourite scary movie? hate them with a passion but probs Incidious

20. Fun fact about yourself? i am probably the most musical person you will ever meet - i play trombone, bass guitar, flute, clarinet, piano, keyboard, saxophone, trumpet, baritone, cornet, drums, guitar and i sing.

21. Shoe size? 6

22. Which fictional character(s) do you relate to the most? Betty Cooper, she’s basically my spirit animal and Blair Waldorf

23. Where do you see yourself living in ten years? in america

24. Ever wore clothes that were just wayyy too tight? yes and i still have the scars lmao

25. What’s on your mind? ironic, but i’m thinking about the ex bf who said “you’re not good enough for me” bc hell i miss him

26. Are you religious? yes

27. How tall are you? 5’7”

28. Favourite band? 5sos, The Killers, The Hunna, Jackson 5

29. Do you remember 2009? no i barely remember 3 days ago

30. Cats or dogs? cat person here

31. Fruit or vegetables? veggies

32. Do you want to get married? 100% yes

33. Do you want children? yep, 2

34. Flamingos or peacocks? flamingos they’re so pretty

35. What superpower do you wish you had? mind reading or being able to change minds

36. Are you a germ freak? god yes

37. Did swearing baby, ghost car, or ghost caught on tape scare you as a kid? HELL TO THE YESSSS i had an awful friend who showed all of the above to me

38. Do you prefer sweet or salty? salt. tons of salt pls

39. Tea or coffee? dislike both but coffee cause i like Mochas

40. Are you superstitious? yup. i hold my breath when i pass lorries on the roads, i carry a luck stone with me and wear 2 rings every day in case of bad luck

41. Do you like stripes? i guess?

42. Favourite shows as a kid? teletubbies or the tweenies

43. Favourite shows growing up? victorious, icarly, wizards of waverley place, kickin’ it were the bomb

44. Favourite musical? Kinky Boots, Les Mis, RENT, Jersey boys, FOOTLOOSE HELL YEA

45. Favourite movie? shit there’s a list: Guardians of the galaxy, footloose, the breakfast club, star wars episode VI, the maze runner trilogy, ferris bulers day off, 10 things i hate about you

46. Birthday? 17 december (i’m 16)

47. Are you a grammar Nazi? absolutely. i’m so pedantic

48. Ever gotten drunk? yeah

49. Do you have a carrier bag? huh?

50. What would you do if you were the opposite gender for a day? tell a girl what makes her special

51. If you were the opposite gender what would you change your name to? i’ve looked at this question for 5 mins, idk i love Ashton (yes irwin)

52. What song is stuck in your head? “rent” from rent...

53. Celebrity crush? always = luke hemmings but rn = shia lebouf

54. If you could live in a non-English speaking country, where would it be? spain

55. Are you a good dancer? i like to think i am but really i look awful

56. Have any allergies? to nasty people

57. Any bad habits? i think things over at least 2784 times and then realise, maybe it really was nothing

58. Ever broke a bone? left elbow

59. Are you a city or country person? city, totally

60. Do you like your home country? love it

61. Sunflowers or daisies? daises. have so many memories involving daises

62. Tulips or roses? roses

63. Oak or maple? oak

64. Disney or Nickelodeon? refuse to answer

65. WYR be obese or anorexic? anorexic

66. WYR be over 6 feet or under 5 feet? under 5 ft

67. Rubies or sapphires? sapphires

68. Are you stubborn? look up stubborn in the dictionary you’ll see “Megan”

69. Have you been in scouts/Girl Scouts? yeah, in england you call it “Rainbows” then “Brownies” then “Guides”

70. What type of music do you listen to? EVERYTHING and i mean everything EXCEPT rap/hip hop/dubstep

71. Favourite vine? thomas sanders “narrating people’s lives” with the one about the guy stepping on a snake

72. Beaches or castles? beaches

73. Pick the closest book to you, and write the line for page 36, line 16 -“ - meant adding our own to the pile” it’s from Library Of Souls by Ranson Riggs

74. Anyone in the same room as you right now? nope i’m in bed

75. Which is worse; throwing up or diharreah? throwing up

76. Butterflies or lady bugs? butterflies!!

77. Do you say “K” when you’re not mad? i hate the letter so no

78. How do you react when purposely scare you? i’ll scream. i’ll always scream

79. Most overrated celebrity? the whole kardashian clan #sorrynotsorry

80. Do you have a globe in your room? i wish

81. Do you have a dream catcher in your room? nah

82. What do you see when you look out your window? my allotment, a play park, a graveyard, and fields and barns for miles

83. Have you been on an airplane? yes and i hate it

84. Do you believe in aliens? honestly i believe we can’t be the only ones in the whole entire universe

85. Do you believe in ghosts? in a scary way - no. in a comforting way/family/friends passed way - yes.

86. Do you believe in God? yes

87. Do you believe in yourself? i believe i can do whatever i put my mind to. so yes. i have confidence in myself

15 notes · View notes

strawberrymeriadoc · 4 years

Text

Eowyn and Merry go Horseback Riding

The next morning the sky was dark and gray. A strong wind was blowing and threatening to take a few branches down. Merry could hear constant sirens off in the distance. The outside seemed to match how he felt on the inside fairly well. Merry lay back down and Peony jumped onto the bed, pacing around until Merry pulled her into the crook of his arm. She was purring loudly, but her tail whacked him in the stomach repeatedly. Merry realized with excitement that he’d finally get to go riding today. He looked at the time and realized Eowyn would be arriving in about an hour so he had better go and eat breakfast.

As he stood up, Peony leapt onto the floor and took off to her scratching post in the hallway. Merry hated breakfast. In fact, he hated eating. Making food felt like a chore and the texture as he ate was at worst repulsive and at best monotonous. Except for a few dishes from Harad he occasionally saved up for, Merry disliked almost all foods. But he was hungry, and that feeling wouldn’t go away on its own. He decided to bite the bullet and make some oatmeal. An acceptable texture if a monotonous one. And fairly tasteless but at least warm.

As usual, Pippin was still asleep. If Merry listened closely, he could hear Pippin’s soft snores. It comforted him to know that his friend was sleeping well. Merry ate, got dressed, and brushed his teeth. He also loathed getting ready for the day. It felt like a lot of work and as he tried to do it, his body felt like it was trying to walk through water. Brushing his teeth meant he’d end up looking in the mirror and there wasn’t anything comforting about that. Though, today, Merry thought his hair at least looked nice. He grabbed his boots, helmet, and some water and waited for his friend to arrive.

Eowyn was just grabbing her things and heading out the door. She was in the dissertation stage of her PhD and was no longer taking classes and so was still getting used to the new rhythm of being much more self-directed with her studies. But it suited her. Eowyn had always been a rather independent worker and school studies were no exception. One place she could count on a sense of community was the stables. She didn’t have as much time as she liked, but she would ride a couple times a week. On Fridays, she would take a short jog out of her way to pick up one of her best friends.

Eowyn made her way down the busy street. It was packed with pedestrians, bike riders, and the occasional electric car. It was rather hot and sunny and only a few small clouds could be seen in the pale blue sky. Finally, she turned onto Merry’s side street. I wonder if Pippin will still be asleep. Maybe he’d like to come along, she thought. She came up to the door and knocked. The sudden knock startled Merry even though he was expecting Eowyn. He leapt up and went to the door.

“Hello! Would you like anything here or are you ready to head straight there?”

“I’m fine, thanks. Brought my water.”

“Great”

“Pippin still asleep is he?”

“Yup! And will be for some time most likely.”

The two made their way down the spiraling streets of Minas Tirith to the main gate eventually coming to the horse stables just outside on the Fields of Pelennor. It was still windy and grey, but less so than in the morning. Merry could see several riders in a ring further off. There was a chestnut colored horse, a dappled white and black one, and an all black horse with white markings on its feet.

The friends then went to the tack room to grab their saddles and bridles. Merry wondered where Theoden was. He went and said hello to his horse. Sorin was very happy to see him, or at least, that’s how Merry interpreted his head butts. He led the horse outside the stable, mounted it and rode to the ring. Theoden was just sending off a pupil who had finished their lesson.

As the two friends rode up, their instructor greeted them: “Hi, Eowyn. Welcome back, Merry. Are you feeling any better?”

“Much better today,” Merry replied. The two students began their warm up together, circling the ring first walking and then trotting. Eowyn, who was a more experienced rider, began working on cantering with her horse. Merry went to the center of the ring both to get out of her way and also to pick up where he had left off on jumping. Theoden was still setting up the last cross rail jump--there were three in a row and each was a little higher than the one before. Merry felt daunted.

“You’ve got this, Merry!” called Eowyn as she rode past. Merry smiled and grasped the reins firmly. Even though he was nervous, Merry reminded himself that he was here because he wanted to be, and this was supposed to be fun. For once, he shouldn’t be scared or make a chore out of it.

“Alright, lad, are you ready?”

“Yes!” Merry replied, perking up at being gendered correctly. Taking a breath in, Merry kicked Sorin gently to go forward, the two gained speed and made for the first jump.

This one was fairly low and Sorin had only to lift his legs a little higher than a step to go over it. Merry made it over with ease. The second one was the same height as the one that had caused him trouble the last time he went riding. But Merry looked confidently ahead and the horse made a short jump successfully over that too. Finally, the third jump was higher than anything Merry had gone over before. But he sized it up, grasped Sorin’s mane in preparation, and leaned forward. They made it over, but Sorin knocked over one of the two beams making up the cross jump.

“Good!” Theoden called, making his way over to set up the third jump again, “Now that you have a sense of the height, you should be able to make it over cleanly this time. Try it again.”

Merry led Sorin back to the beginning of the set and then spurred the horse on. The two made it over all the jumps without knocking any over. Theoden smiled.

“Alright, try it one more time. I’ll set each a little higher” he said as Merry rode by him. Merry waited for Theoden to finish setting up. Just then Eowyn came up to Theoden and asked what she should work on.

After they had talked a moment, Theoden turned to the boy, “I need to go set up Eowyn’s jumps, Merry. Go over these a few times while I’m gone” Merry agreed and went back to the front of the set. He and Sorin went over all three jumps again. Each time was a little easier than the last. Finally, after going through about five times, Theoden told him to trot several laps.

As he was going around the ring, Merry focused on looking forward so as to not lead the horse the wrong way. But Eowyn’s jumps were so high and impressive, he couldn’t help but catch glimpses of her out of the corner of his eye. After a while, Theoden seemed to have guessed Merry’s thoughts and beckoned for him to come back to the center to watch Eowyn for the rest of the lesson.

When Eowyn was finished, the two students led their horses back to the stables in order to groom them. Merry found grooming to feel soothing. He liked to brush the horse’s sides in little circles and to carefully pick dirt out of the hooves. He struggled to reach the mane, but he enjoyed combing the tail. Sorin loved all the attention. Eowyn stood near Merry grooming her own horse, Freya.

“That one jump you did with the two fences really close together was amazing!”

“Oh, thank you! That’s a fun one.”

“What’s it called?”

“A bounce. It can be just two close together or more in a row. I’ll probably go for three in a row soon.”

Merry grasped at Sorin’s mane but could only reach the bottom of it. He looked around for something to step on.

“Would you like me to help?” Eowyn asked, noticing his predicament.

“No, that’s alright. I’d really like to do it myself. Though, if you see something I could step up on, I’d appreciate it,” Merry responded. Eowyn went out of the stable and brought the same step stool Merry used to get on the horse. Then Merry was able to finish the mane and also brush Sorin’s back.

Afterwards, Eowyn and Merry walked around the Fields. Merry smoked his pipe thoughtfully while Eowyn excitedly told him about her research. Merry didn’t understand much of it as he understood very little of political science. Although they had some overlap in their studies--both focused heavily, though in Eowyn’s case not exclusively, on Rohan--Merry came at it from a much more historical approach. He didn’t think there was anything superior about this approach, it was just something that made more sense to him. Eowyn focused especially on the social problems (and reforms) of working women in Rohan, Gondor, and Mordor.

What the two did have in common in their research was a desire to make Middle Earth a better place and to especially help those disadvantaged by cis-patriarchal systems. This was something they greatly admired in each other though neither admitted it openly. Merry’s way of appreciating her work was to ask about it often and show as much support as he knew how.

Eowyn’s way of appreciating Merry’s work in supporting him with her knowledge and her presence. As a more experienced student, she often walked him through the finer points of navigating the University and general academic pedantism. And she had vowed to herself to come to any conferences or panels or other things he might be involved in on campus or around Gondor. Eventually the sun threatened to go down shortly and the two decided to make their way back up to the City

#Eowyn #merry brandybuck #theoden #modern-ish au #implied eating disorder mention #Peony is a cat fyi

0 notes

hasufin · 7 years

Text

Last Jedi - spoilers ahoy!

We watched The Last Jedi in theaters on Xmas day (hey, none of us are Christian, and my Father-in-Law is a New York Jew. At least we didn’t go out for Chinese)

I think it’s the best of the Star Wars movies I’ve seen so far - Iv’e not seen Revenge of the Sith nor Rogue One, so possibly they could be better. Very dubious about RotS, though.

Now, why would I think that?

Characters. I believe very strongly that the key to a good story are characters. They don’t have to be likable characters. They don’t have to be normal. They don’t have to be Just Like Me. The audience doesn’t have to identify with them at all. But they have to be interesting characters, and they have to be believable. I think I read something Leonardo DiCaprio (who is a better actor than he was originally believed to be) said is that they have to be unpredictable but understandable. That the viewers should not know how the character will act, but that when they do a thing, it should fit with the character. I wish I could find the interview in question, it was interesting.

But, anyway. I found the characters and the character development to be what made TLJ stand out as a Star Wars movie - though there are some other excellent bits, and admittedly a few valid critiques.

First of all, much like how The Force Awakens was plotwise a complete rehash of A New Hope, the plot of The Last Jedi was exceptionally similar to the plot of The Empire Strikes Back, with (I did warn you about spoilers) a little bit of Return of the Jedi. That’s legit. Mind, I’m not entirely sure I think it’s a good critique - if you’re familiar with Star Wars you knew going in that it was the middle of the trilogy, that it would inevitably follow that particular arc; it’s like going to a club and complaining that the music was too loud and lights were too dim. If you’re NOT familiar with Star Wars, this shouldn’t be a big deal anyway, because you don’t need to have seen the original trilogy to get it anyway. Though I really can’t speak from that perspective. TLJ covers a pretty narrow timeframe - much like ESB, TLJ timing is a bit odd. It picks up right where TFA left off, and rapidly breaks into two storylines - Rey with Luke, and the Resistance trying to escape. Rey’s storyline seems like it should take weeks; the escape storyline, hours. Though there is wiggle room there, to be honest. We’re never given the actual time that the Resistance Fleet is running from the First Order fleet. They certainly could have been slowly fleeing for weeks, it would not be inconsistent with anything. (As an aside, a lot of pedants have tried to claim that the Resistance fleets, being in space, shouldn’t have needed to burn any fuel to keep up their speed. That’s wrong - yes, they would not have slowed down in vacuum, but the point was that they needed to maintain distance from the First Order fleet - who is also accelerating to catch up. So they both needed to keep burning fuel, and if the smaller Resistance ships had only a slight acceleration edge over the FO ships, the extended chase makes sense).

Visually, I don’t think TLJ was particularly stunning by Star Wars standards. I mean, it wasn’t bad. We’re not talking “You can see the plastic squares around the TIE fighters“ like in A New Hope. It was overall seamless. The only disappointing bit was when the medical frigate got disintegrated, and it honestly looked to me like it was digitized into the Tron mainframe rather than destroyed. But aside from that, the FX were all seamless and well-done. I didn’t see any “Yup, that was totally a greenscreen” scenes, even the ones which clearly were done that way, no “You put this in to make showy effects” shots. Maybe the scenes in the casino city - which weren’t absolutely necessary, but I think they served a worthwhile narrative purpose and they were fun. And, well, let’s be honest - other SW movies have done pretty. I’m not gonna be impressed with a pretty SW film. Subtlety is better.

Now, there was totally a huge plot hole that bothers me. When Finn and Rose went to find their codebreaker, they just grabbed a shuttle and zipped off. Which is... why wasn’t that worthy of notice? If they could just shuttle away like that, couldn’t more people have gotten away? Or something? Bothers me a little there.

Okay. Enough criticism. Let me tell you where it shines.

Like I said: characters. We have our characters from TFA: Poe, Finn, Rey, Leia, Hux, Kylo Ren, and Snoke. We also got Luke, Rose, Holdo, and the Codebreaker guy.

We got to see them all develop as characters.

See, in a good story you put interesting people in interesting circumstances and then you see what they do.

For example, we see Finn. If he has one defining characteristic, it’s his willingness to cut and run. This kind of makes him seem cowardly, but it has held him in good stead. He spent pretty much all of TFA trying to get away from the First Order (they were trying to kill him). But in a defining moment there, he does decide to stick around and help. Then in TLJ he seems like he’s up to his old tricks - but he’s also trying to save Rey, to whom he is very attached. It’s ambiguous whether he was solely motivated to keep Rey safe, or he was trying to save his own skin and Rey was the excuse. However, later, in the speeder battle, he shows he’s willing to sacrifice himself for a greater cause.

Then there’s Rose. She’s hurt and angry. She wants to hurt the people who caused her suffering, and even the people who would bail on the cause. But at that same speeder battle, she makes the most iconic act and quote of the movie: “We're going to win this war not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love!” She isn’t about destroying the First Order anymore - she’s about saving people from them.

Then there’s Poe. Poor Poe. He’s the hotshot pilot, he took down a Dreadnought. But he got demoted for it. He had to face that his squadron was destroyed, that he disobeyed orders. That winning isn’t everything. And in the speeder battle, he realized that the fight was pointless - and he called off the attack. He saved his people, because they couldn’t win. Will he still be a good pilot? Or will he be too careful now? We’ll have to wait and see.

An aside about that battle, by the way. I loved the planet. The Resistance is holed up in their base. There are AT-ATs. Everything is white. The wind is blowing. This is a remake of the Battle of Hoth, right? And then.... “It’s salt!” It was a shoutout and at the same time jerking our chains. Also, geologically... that shit happens all the time. Not necessarily windswept salt over blood-red rock, but a layer of one color over another. That stuff happens, and it was well-used. On the other hand, those speeders... why would anyone build things like those??? I get having an atmospheric craft - they’re cheaper than starfighters, maybe even better than starfighters for in-atmosphere battles. And of course they’d get left behind. But why make something with so little lift that it needs to rest on a ski? That has got to be the dumbest design I’ve ever seen.

Anyway. Other characters who had good growth.

Leia - we see that she isn’t just a figurehead, she isn’t just followed because she’s loved. She can absolutely be a hardass when the situation calls for it. Oh, and we saw that she does have some force ability (accepting the existence of space wizards, her surviving the vacuum of space is pretty plausible, weirdly enough).

Holdo - We’re supposed to dislike her. She comes across as aloof, stubborn, and uncaring. And yet we learn she has a plan, it’s not a bad plan, and that when shit goes down she can and will do what it takes. And the way she took out Snoke’s ship was truly impressive.

But it’s not just the good guys who get character development. Hux is smart, he’s a solid military leader, he is willing to contradict Snoke (but only in private! He does opsec, he casres about unity before the troops) We see that Hux is (justifiably) proud of the war machine he commands, and that he doesn’t consider Kylo Ren to be a worthy leader. But we also see that he doesn’t want to command the First Order. He doesn’t say “I should be the Supreme Leader”. That doesn’t seem to cross his mind. He’s a grounded, practical leader with plans and tactics and no stomach for politics. As another aside, where the fuck is the First Order getting its hypertech? The Starkiller base. Dreadnoughts almost on par with the Death Star. Tracking ships through hyperspace. Even that siege cannon. It makes sense, but I’d like to know if there’s an explanation (e.g., “We found Palpatine’s stash of superweapon designs he didn’t think he needed”)

Then there’s Kylo Ren. Remember, I said “develop” as characters. I did not say “grow”. Kylo is one fucked-up wingnut. He doesn’t know what he wants, he’s so twisted around. The only thing he knows to do, to deal with his past, is to destroy it. He wants to wipe the slate clean and not confront everything he’s done. He’s not entirely evil, he’s not entirely good. What he is, is weak. Strong in power, but weak in mind. We learn why he hates Luke, even I think why he was willing to kill his own father. He’s not one-dimensional, even if he is awful.

I totally get why there are Reylo fans now. TLJ humanized Kylo. It makes him seem saveable. And that fight scene in the throne room - the choreography was excellent. We got to see what happens when a bunch of very skilled force users throw down. It was impressive. Kylo and Rey did make an awesome team. I get it.

So, Rey. This is, in large part, her journey. She’s exploring herself. We see her convincing Luke to train her. Her flirtation with the Dark Side (which, regardless of Luke’s disappointment, was inevitable and necessary). We see her take the bait of trying to save Kylo. Her disappointment about her parents - and realizing it doesn’t matter. And crucially, we see her cutting off Kylo - not in hatred like she had before, but in realizing that it’s pointless to try to save him; she didn’t hate him - she just cut him out.

Then there’s Luke. The Hero of the Rebellion. Savior of the Galaxy. Jedi Master. Legend. A self-loathing exile, a farmboy who has become a thing he cannot understand or grasp. A man who has gone off to die. He has cut himself from the Force, and sits wallowing in his failure. Of everyone in the story, he’s the one who has the hardest time growing. But he does - with some not-too-gentle nudging from Yoda.

And Yoda’s role actually to me highlights one of the greatest strengths of TLJ. It’s a story which shows rather than tells. Luke does’t say he is once again embracing the Force; we see it in the fight with Rey, when he stops himself in midair. And when Yoda blows up the Jedi tree, we see Luke learn that he can project himself with the Force - and then later uses that ability to great effect. We see that Holdo is clever and willing to think outside the box, and it absolutely follows that she’d ram the dreadnought at lightspeed. We see Chewbacca tolerating the porgs... so it makes sense when the Resistance is okay with the crystal critters (and it nicely highlights how the Resistance is friendly and gets along with the native wildlife). And then when the CCs are actually important for the plot, it’s not an out of the blue point, it’s “Oh! They did disappear. Hey, that was important.” Also, funny thing about that bit - they reason Luke got in somehow, so there must be a way out. It’s solid reasoning, but also false - he simply appeared, his presence did not indicate a way out. That said, I kind of wish Luke’s Force Projection had only been visible to the people he wanted to interact with. It would have made Leia look crazy, and it would have made Kylo look even crazier. And Hux’s snarky “Do you think you got him?“ even more priceless. Sadly, the gunner saw Luke, so that’s a lost opportunity. So, overall, I thought TLJ was a great film. I’m looking forward to the next one and I hope it manages as good of storytelling as TLJ. Maybe at some point I’ll write up my super-disappointing plot for Episode IX: Reality Ensues. The movie where we find that an overpowered emo is entirely incompetent at politics and cannot hold together an empire; that without a clear leadership the Republic will completely fracture, and that if you lose a lot suddenly people stop taking your calls.

1 note · View note

bellesdomain · 7 years

Text

Starlight Express Workshop - Thurs 14th Sept

Let me preface this with my overall impressions - this show was fantastic in many ways, the performances were all amazing, the band was fantastic, the staging was remarkably full and entertaining given the circumstances! It was an absolutely fascinating experience, I’m so glad I had the chance to go - and that I’m going again to see how it develops further.

But as reviews like this are bound to, this is all going to come across as very negative - but I want to start off emphasising how much I enjoyed it overall!

The theatre is a small, steeply raked auditorium, with a thrust stage about level with the 3rd row. The stairways on either side were accessible from the stage and used in the performance. There’s a gantry upstage, which forms a platform for the 8 piece band and Control - yup, live Control onstage. He had fabulous glowing headphones and an Ipad that seemed to be a racing game - I think it also included his script! Generally I am very anti-live Control, when it comes to non-replica productions - since the entire show takes place in his imagination, he exists on a different plane to the action therefore they shouldn’t interact. But given the fluid nature of this workshop, pre-recording the kid would be impossible so it worked ok!

The show opened with Andrew Lloyd Webber and Arlene Phillips giving us the context of the evening. Lloyd Webber explained how they’d workshopped “School of Rock” in a similar manner - no big automation, complex lighting cues or costume changes, just establishing the story telling. Great concept! And the venue “The Other Palace” theatre in Victoria, is being run for precisely this function.

Lloyd Webber also told us how he and Arlene Phillips had visited the German production for the English Gala, and he hardly recognised the show they were performing as his work. And indeed, I was also at the English Gala and suddenly hearing the material in its original language made the inconsistencies and plot holes glaringly obvious! So the point of this workshop is to see if they can get the show back into shape for a future production, as well as the German production’s 30th anniversary next May.

The show opened in a familiar manner, Control (playing with his ipad), sent to bed by his Mother. She sings her lullaby, the melody is taken up by the mouth organ. The Overture modulates, repeats, swells, in the fans’ mind’s eye you see the shadowy figures skating around the set - and then Control interrupts with “Stop that Boring Music!” And begins to introduce the National Engines.

I think it’s fair to say this change is getting a bit of negative feedback. That overture is the literal HEART of the show, it’s the preview of the Starlight Sequence, it’s the title song melody. It’s the magic happening, as Control falls asleep and we enter his dreamscape. The Overture alone will literally draw people to tears. To have Control dismiss it as “boring music” is crass, insensitive, and a tonal mis-fire, alienating Control from the audience. In other words, he’s a brat!

Entry of the National Trains is always a clunky way to start the show, these minor characters are so unimportant to the plot. Placing the scene later, before AC/DC, makes for better story telling, as the audience have already established who’s important and it contextualises Electra’s entrance as we’re calling forward the competitors for the race. Anyway, the workshop has given us some new names for the Nationals - Bobo the French train is now the feminine Coco, which works well. The German Engine is now named after Wagner’s opera das Rheingold. Rather than fix the dated and embarrassing reference, the Japanese train is still Nintendo. And the British train is now “Brexit” - which is as topical a joke, and I suspect will last in the public conscious about as well as his APT designation did. Yeah, that’s the point. Nobody remembers! A very quickly dated reference. There were a few of them throughout the night, so hopefully they’ll be reconsidered. Rolling Stock - Oliver Tompsett as Greaseball, greased back hair and stubble, was hilarious and a bit menacing - would probably be more menacing if I weren’t so steeped in his performances from Rock of Ages! The strangest thing here though, was it. Was. so. Slow. There’s a strange quirk that the 1984 original cast recording has the Rolling Stock track at a stodgy plod - as if an LP record is played on the wrong setting! And this is what they decided to replicate live. The performances were all brilliant, the ensemble mugging it up as their Nationals, it was hilarious and engaging, but why so slow? As far as I know, it wasn’t performed that slow in 1984, it’s just a quirk of the recording - but Andrew Lloyd Webber obviously approved of this!

Second number in was Crazy. Throughout, Crazy and Call Me Rusty have been mixed up and cut together - along with remnants of Engine of Love in there as well. It works, sort of, plot-wise it’s exactly like Engine of Love, here’s young Rusty and the coaches. There’s a lovely bit of contextualisation where Control explains “Rusty is the first train I got when I was six” which grounds us as these are his toys. Then into Crazy. George Ure as Rusty may have dried on his opening lyrics, but a bit of ad-libbing and he was back on track. Christina Bennington as Pearl got straight in there with the high option for Pearl’s “Til someone better comes along”.

Greaseball, Nationals come in to bully Rusty, and the coaches all stick up for him, however Pearl makes the point that she’s not actually Rusty’s partner, flirting with Greaseball. Then we have a version of “Call Me Rusty”, the short version used in Vegas I believe, layering “Call me Rusty if you dare. Call me Rusty if you like…” with the coaches still having the mid break from the original but with some new lyrics from Pearl about “we’re just friends”. Rusty is sent to fetch the trucks, and we have the original intro into Locomotion, “Rusty/can’t/be serious, him/go in/for the race?” but then there was some new material, Greaseball flirting with Pearl, saying “woowoowoo you’re brand new!” Dinah comes forward to warn him off Pearl but she gets sent to “go make the tea” by Greaseball and the Nationals. Here’s where we’re introduced to Tassita (shhh she’s a quiet coach and doesn’t like loud noises), and we go into the new song to “introduce” the coaches, “I Got Me (and that’s all I need)” This song felt to me like there’s some School of Rock type influence. It’s very “I can do what I like” independent rock chick. It’s not a bad song, but it doesn’t serve the purpose of introducing these characters at all, plus the pedantic mind says that these girls are railway coaches - and coaches DO need an engine. Sorry to break the vibe but coaches aren’t independent - but you can easily argue the case that an engine without coaches is as useless as coaches without an engine. The song ended quite abruptly to muted applause, but launched straight into a reprise, which was then interrupted by the Freight train.

Freight ran exactly as the 1992 London, with all the banter from the coaches, which was particularly entertaining despite being such very familiar lyrics. Whether it was due to the small ensemble, or an effort to address the gender imbalance in the show, Hopper 3 was female, and she was having a great time of it. Sadly no return of the Rockies, the Hip Hoppers are about the only remaining remnant of the contributions made by David Yazbek in 2003. The only new moment in the number was one of the most jarring changes - Caboose is included, but rather than introduce himself using the “There’s Me” melody (“at the back on every piece of track…” Being “All alone, you think you’re on your own…”) no, the Red Caboose comes straight in with “Wide Smile, High Style” melody, telling us straight off that he’s in the business of wrecking trains. His characterisation was very much aggressive, nasty and scary! No pretense at the sweet and helpful Caboose that anyone would trust, this guy is clearly one to avoid. Caboose made a point about being paid to do his job.

Straight after Freight, we have Control announcing technical problems… oh boy! A late entry! These must be his minders! Kilowatt is Electra’s security truck. Wrench is the repair truck, Purse the money truck ordered us to switch your accounts to Electra. Again money is an active concept in this world. Joule and Volta followed - male Volta, as with Hopper 3 is this a limitation of the size of ensemble?

Electra appeared in towering red velour heels, fishnet stockings under a conventional masculine ensemble of slacks and jacket. Liam Tamne has an incredible voice, great range and strength and falsetto! But his characterisation flat for my personal taste for Electra, and also really reminded me of someone else, a character on TV perhaps. He was very flamboyant and self-indulgent.

AC/DC is interrupted suddenly, as Greaseball appears. The coaches, who 10 mins earlier were making such a point of not needing no man, especially Dinah getting up in the faces of the Nationals to protect Pearl, undergo a complete 180 on their characters, turning to the regular excited fangirls we’re used to seeing in Pumping Iron. This felt especially wrong given Dinah’s “Back off girls, he’s mine!” - really? Is he? Because you were defending your girls from his flirting just now, and showed no suggestion of a relationship between Dinah and Greaseball other than antagonism. The earlier scene is massively out of character for Dinah.

Oliver Tompsett rocked Pumping Iron, of course, it’s easy to appreciate why the girls are all fangirling over him. The two female components stayed to dance, while Electra and his boys left in a huff. This was one scene where the minimal staging fell flat, as the dance break needs some rock’n’roll partner work, skates or not.

Coda Freight ran much as expected, the confrontation between Greaseball and Electra was extended by the two of them sharing the lines usually sung by the Nationals, as they mock Rusty’s intent to join the race. Coda Freight originally did not modulate key - the German production is one where it drops into a lower key which always jars. But this time we get a modulation UP a key, which is different! But not necessary, it’s quite busy enough staying in one key.

Control announces five minutes to race time, and “if you ain’t in twos, you lose”. This is where we would expect to find Crazy, and indeed we have a reprise of the number where Rusty approaches Pearl, but she rebuffs him with something about “don’t push me around”. But then their conversation follows the coaches’ melody from “Call me Rusty”, as she explains in no uncertain terms that while she likes him she wants an engine of the future. Then they are interrupted by Electra’s Bodyguard Kilowatt (shall we just call him K?) who explains Electra’s coach has a “Migraine”. Pearl has her dilemma, and will let Electra know.

Pearl has a new intro to “Make Up My Heart”, written to the “diddlydiddly” pre-race music (also used by Caboose pre-”Wide Smile”), as she discusses how Electra seems fun, then she had an echo of “He Whistled At Me” - which I think was the only occurrence of that/”Engine of Love” melody. Then that disjointed selection of melodies led into the full “Make Up My Heart” number, as performed on the 1992 London recording.

Control starts the races, with a comment about “I’ll pick your partners for you”. A new addition for the races which grew very tedious almost immediately, each engine as they’re introduced, sings the “Clear my track, this is my train now, this could be my dream, clear my track” fragment of “No Comeback” that Pearl sings in “Laughing Stock” - each with their own lyrics of course. But hearing that same fragment four times in a row was repetitive, and annoying given that that melody is meant to specifically refer to Electra. The concept of melodies referring to specific characters and event - the use of leitmotif - has more or less been lost, apart from a few occasions which shows that while they COULD use the concept, they choose not to! Race 1 ends up with a Dead Heat between Greaseball and Electra, with only the “No Comeback” melody appearing in the race music.

As the racers clear away, we have a mopey Rusty with the “Call me Rusty” melody on the mouth organ, as he approaches the Freight yard and “Momma” is singing The Blues. Mica Paris was poorly served by the existing score - while the major solos are within a reasonable alto range, most of Poppa’s recit is well below an alto. However her character, and the staging for the number was really engaging and fun, and included Caboose mooching in the background. Caboose has always seemed notable by his absence from this scene of the Freight - I presume the practical reason is that Caboose has just finished racing so to make him immediately be onstage but purely for context would be unkind. But within the world of the show, why is Caboose not hanging out with the rest of the freight? Momma’s response after “Let me hear you say Steam!” - the Starlight Express melody - is “When the Night is Darkest” rather than “When Your Goodnights have been Said”, which probably only coincidentally is kinder on her vocal range. But it’s slightly odd in a production that draws so heavily from the previous London productions, to bring in the Broadway variation of the title song. Control interrupts to inform us of heat 2, Momma decided to race and ends up with Dustin much as is familiar from other productions. The exact reason was unclear but Brexit meant the British train was missing, allowing Momma to race.

Race Two again seemed to have Control decide the race partners, and again repeated the “Clear my Track” melody, except Momma introduced herself with the Coaches’ “I got Me” melody which seems to be pretty random for an old Steamer. It was also incorporated into the race music.

After Race 2, into Laughing Stock, played much as normal, but with one small 1984 detail restored - Momma points out Rusty “Couldn’t face that losing shame!” rather than Rusty admitting his own weakness, or the line being omitted altogether.

Starlight Express - the title song closed act 1 with an unexpectedly subtle edit, new lyrics to the “When the Night is Darkest” melody. I’m not absolutely sure new lyrics were needed for this number, but they’re evocative and very much in keeping with the scene and Rusty’s emotional journey.

(And we have the interval. Go get a glass of wine. You’ll need it.)

Act 2 begins with The Rap - entirely a capella, started by Hoppers “Are you Ready?” which updated lyrics. The Coaches come in with something like “Swipe to the left? Swipe to the right? Who will be my date tonight?” which feels like it’ll date very quickly. It was a mix between the 1992 Rap in structure, “Gotta be in the frame if you’re gonna win the game, are you ready for the big one, ready!” with quite a lot of the individual lines tweaked. This meant that we’ve still got all the “Shut it, Dinah!” and some of the classic lines like “losing the race with this floppy disc” and “Boil with the oil or lose with the fuse”. Performed entirely unaccompanied, with much stomping on the beat, worked really well.

“Pearl Twirl” ran unaltered, giving Dinah a COMPLETE character shift from act 1. The confident, sassy girl is completely unrecognisable as the heartbroken Dinah singing “Uncoupled”. Fantastic performance from Natalie McQueen, really heart-felt and beautifully sung, but it was distracting how she seemed to be playing a completely different role to earlier. The staging was even much as normal, with the other two coaches hanging out behind, with varying levels of sympathy and boredom as they sing backing vocals. But without Dinah having established a character of a devoted, in love with Greaseball, the song was very out of place.

Invitation Dinah included some new material, a longer conversation between the girls, with Dinah saying “I can’t manage on my own” - again, this is not the Dinah we saw in act 1. The line “But if Greaseball changes his mind!” is in there. Tassita and Belle have very little to do - no Girls Rolling Stock - but whereas in the past the coaches only had “Oh, Dinah!” to express their frustration, this gives them a little dialogue.

Caboose’s scenes in the middle of act 2 almost had me vocalising my frustration! This scene is one of my biggest problems in the current show AND IT HAS NOT BEEN CHANGED!

First, Caboose tells Greaseball that Rusty is fast, and they plot as in the US Tour with Greaseball’s “Ohh that’s nasty, I like it!”. This conversation also gives us the existing line “Just cos I smile all the time, don’t mean I’m not into crime”. This is not news, this is not a reveal, and this Caboose has only been smiling in an evil, mean way. There’s been no pretense at Caboose being helpful or sweet, he’s been flat-out nasty from the beginning.

Then we have the Disco-tastic 1984 version of “Wide Smile” which repeated the “Just cos I smile all the time, don’t mean I’m not into crime” line, and included “Under the smiles, under the fun I’m public enemy number 1” - again, there’s not been any fun or smiles from this Caboose! Also they use the full 1984 “CB” lyrics including the CB radio references which were cut for the Broadway show in 1987 as too obscure!

Patrick Sullivan’s performance was extraordinary, hitting those falsetto notes, amazing energy and rhythm, a really enjoyable number. I don’t know if I should read significance into Electra not joining in the backing for the number, but it was only the components.

The problem is though this scene is a MASSIVE plot point. It should be the moment we learn that Caboose is a cheating back-stabbing bastard, but this has already been established. Also, there is a logical gap in this number - with Electra well aware of Caboose’s enjoyment of double-crossing, why on earth does Electra then choose Caboose as a race partner for the downhill final? Especially when surrounded by his components, any of which would be a suitable race partner. The simple solution, which I was hoping this workshop would consider, would be for Electra to be removed from this scene. Simply continue the song on from Caboose’s conversation with Greaseball, have Greaseball’s gang as the backing dancers rather than Electra’s components. Then, Electra is unaware of Caboose’s scheme, his choice of race partner makes sense. This would also remove a flabby feeling repeat of the material as different versions have been grafted together.

Race 3 - the Uphill Final - begins with Control announcing Greaseball and Pearl, Electra and Dinah, and Rusty and Caboose. This race has not had the extra “No Comeback” repetitions, but rather the normal spoken lines from each Engine including Rusty’s “Let’s hear it for Steam!”

No explanation is given as to how there are only three engines, since Control earlier quoted the 1992 London instructions “There are two heats, two qualifiers from each heat”. So what happened to the 2nd qualifier from Heat 2? Why did only Momma come through from that race?

Well, I can tell you why, it’s because Control’s lines are taken from the 1992 London, but the races are taken from the 2003 US Tour with the pre-recorded 3D races. Because the tour ran with only 4 Nationals including the British train, the races were run on the logic of two heats, and the winner from each would compete in the final, which should have consisted of two engines. But since Electra and Greaseball tied, they both went through to give us 3 engines in the final. But this story telling has been overlooked in this workshop.

The race was staged with Caboose literally picking up Rusty to make it clear he wasn’t going anywhere! The race music also included the inverted race melody, the descending phrase as used in Germany which always jars when used to the London versions. The Race music did include the “Wide Smile” motif. Rusty was thrown to the floor, injured, as Control shouts “Race Cancelled! Who did it? I didn’t do anything!” - again the 1992 London script.

The 1992 London show was the production which cut Caboose - which is particularly relevant in this part of the show, as without Caboose driving the story, the London show included material to patch over the holes. This material was then drafted into the UK Tour in 2004, to cover gaps where some of the David Yazbek contributions were removed, I believe. However the result is that there are two separate scenes which cover the same actions.

Firstly, the Caboose version is that Caboose has crashed Rusty. The original London staging in 1984 was one of the weaker points of the show, where a fairly illogical staging required all the racers to make it onto the bridge to be carried to the top level, mid-race. CB slowed Rusty to the point he missed the connection and the race was then cancelled due, I believe, to the fighting between Greaseball and Electra. This had Rusty challenge Greaseball with “That CB he never took off the brakes”, which is when Pearl realised that Greaseball and CB were in cahoots. The original version didn’t have Rusty injured apart from his pride, but gave us CB’s insane “10, 10 never again you’re no engine!”. CB’s gloating and insane pleasure at the damage he has caused is an essential part of his character arc. The German staging had Rusty crash and tumble down the bowl to land in a heap centre stage, where Greaseball and Pearl came by, with Pearl saying “I’ll go tell the Marshalls!” then as Greaseball pulls her away, she begins to realise she’s made mistakes.

Secondly, the No Caboose version, the London 1992 version, has to find another reason for Rusty to be out of the race. The Uphill final is cancelled by Control when it’s devolved into a fist fight on the bridge, Control didn’t see what happened so Greaseball and Electra jump on the chance to blame Rusty - “Rusty did it, he caused the wreck!” Greaseball then confesses “Shut it, I did it, he was good, he was fast” - without Caboose in the show, this comes as a surprise. The Marshalls have been wordlessly clearing everything up, Rusty then comes back to Greaseball with “They (the marshalls) say - “ “what do they say?” Greaseball then sics his gang on Rusty, to “make sure it won’t happen again”. The Gang then beat up Rusty (to the melody of “Wide Smile”) in order to bring him to the same, injured and dejected state, as if Caboose had been there.

These two separate scenes have been smashed together since the US Tour in 2003 gave the show major re-writes, and the story being told is flabby and confusing. If Rusty has been wrecked by Caboose, is already on his knees and his confidence destroyed, why do the gang need to beat him up directly? Unless the staging includes Marshalls directing the clean-up, who is Rusty talking about with “They say”? If Caboose is there, then how does the line “You told the Marshalls I drove into you!” make any sense?

The Workshop gives us the current version of this scene, with the 1992 London version of the show, including Greaseball and gang beating up Rusty. Then Pearl wanders in, sees Rusty wrecked on the floor, and realises things are going bad “This wasn’t how I wanted it, this wasn’t what I saw” (what had you seen, Pearl? We no longer have He Whistled At Me to specify her dreams and ambitions) Flat-top has his sympathetic line “Give it up Rusty, you’ll never beat them”, and Caboose has just left. Then we have a reprise of “Crazy” at a slow, reflective pace, as the badly injured Rusty picks himself up. This reflects back to Rusty’s naive hopeful attitude at the start of the show, contrasting his previous optimism with his sad current state. Then we hear the “Call Me Rusty” refrain on the mouth organ as standard. This reflects back to Rusty’s naive hopeful attitude at the start of the show, contrasting his previous optimism with his sad current state. Yes, the concept of Rusty’s confident introductory number being reprised in a slow, sad tone is exactly repeated in this scene.

Where we’d expect Right Place, Right Time, we have the Hoppers wander in and paraphrase the opening lines of the number, without any particular motivation for their presence, but the full number is omitted. This scene feels like it might be a compromise as the work in progress nature of the workshop, where this is a place-holder for a new version of the full number for the Hip Hoppers.

Rusty, alone and dejected, runs into the Starlight Sequence as normal, reflecting on how he’s “down and out”. The Starlight Sequence is always magnificent, but it was slightly soured after Control’s “Stop that Boring music!” comment during the overture, which is of course a preview of this scene. Mica Paris as Momma wasn’t quite comfortable with the vocal range of the song but at some moments opened up sounded glorious. There were also some slight lyric paraphrases such as “The Starlight Express is no more or less, I’m you, Rusty”, which doesn’t quite make sense, but I suspect was simply the nature of the workshop rather than a deliberate change. George Ure’s performance was stunning and so emotional, he really carried us on Rusty’s journey.

The Rusty and Dustin scene has some new music, using the same melody as Rusty’s monologue prior to the Starlight Sequence, the melody most characterised as the Coaches’ verse in “Call Me Rusty”. It’s a minor key, the music always suggests concern, worry, lack of confidence, so to use it for this scene felt off. The standard score uses “Belle’s Song” at this point, as that melody is connected with the Freight and Dustin as well as Belle.

Dinah’s Disco is re-worked to be a reprise of “I Got Me” which works well in this context. If “I Got Me” were moved from act 1 to replace “Girls’ Rolling Stock”, following “UNCOUPLED”, this reprise would work perfectly. Electra calls CB to his side with the “AC/DC” melody, the 7/4 time makes the short scene feel a bit awkward, but replacing the “Nobody Can Do It Like a Steam Train” melody makes sense when all references to “He Whistled At Me” have been cut. Electra and CB bargain for the price of CB’s help.

Control introduces the re-run of the Final Race, on the Downhill course. Again the score being used is snipped from the 2003 US Tour - the pre-race 4 has two versions, the original staging called for three finalists, the Broadway and later used four finalists. The beautiful, complex layered music was originally written for the six racers, then altered for eight. But then the US Tour version cut it back to six, rather than referring to the original score, the two vocal lines are simply left out leaving a gap in the music. Specifically the 1992 score had Bobo singing “Le jour du gloire est arrivé” (please pardon my french!) with Ashley singing “Gonna be hot, hotter than hot”. The alternative for that vocal part has Caboose singing “Just for me, I’m in this just for me” (or “Nur fuer Mich” in the German score) - but the workshop uses the Tour version which simply skips this vocal line. Once part that point the complex harmonies were gorgeously performed. While I love the “Rusty’s gonna race in the Final” moment in this number, it harks back so strongly to the original version of the Rap.

The Downhill Final was performed with a very witty side-comment from Control about “Sorry about the lights, use your imagination!” The race music was very much the 1984 original which was gorgeous! Control’s narration tells us the story, including Pearl being disconnected, and Rusty saves her - at which point the Crazy melody was incorporated in the race music, with the ensemble singing “Come on Rusty”. Immediately on winning, Rusty leaves with “I must find Pearl”, as usual.

One Rock’n’Roll Too Many was staged almost exactly as usual - in fact all that was missing was the kneepads! Contextually this was played the same as UK Tour / Germany, not like the 1992 London, which seems a shame. The only major difference (apart from the presence of Caboose) is that in London, the ensemble stayed onstage and witnessed the massive fall from grace of the major players in the game. I appreciate that practically, in staging the show, I am sure the ensemble are grateful for a couple of minutes backstage, but the story telling of including them as witnesses is important. Plus it gives the ensemble characters more time to establish their personalities. There’s no logical reason all the characters leave before the number, and come back at the end. Momma was struggling with the vocal range for the “Where’s Rusty gone?” section.

Pearl is introduced with the electric guitar playing the “He Whistled At Me” melody, but since neither version of her song appeared at the start of the show, her reprise that was the introduction to “I Do” has been cut. Which is super frustrating, because that little reprise was the only good addition with this dreadful song!

“I Do” is untouched, it’s still abysmal, with clunky, random, meaningless lyrics, poor melodic construction, long and repetitive. The lyrics scan very poorly to the music (“you think that noboDY would love you”), and the vocal ranges are very hard to sing, it’s fortunate the cast are so strong! They are genuinely adorable and you’re so happy that they’ve found each other, despite the music.

I have to admit, however, that with the changes to Pearl’s character, that she is given more time to think, the lyrics are not as contradictory as previously. It feels like Pearl, and to an extent Rusty, have been ret-conned to fit this song!

I am genuinely astonished that this song has been kept, I thought the one thing this workshop would be sure to give us was an improvement on the love song. It’s such a shame to have lost “Only He” - in any of its many variations - as the love song being a reprise of one half of the Starlight Sequence is an enormously important part of the story telling. The “Only You” melody speaks of discovery, completion, it’s the answer to the question, where the “Starlight Express” melody is the question.

Following “I Do”, Rusty and Pearl sing a reprise of “I Got Me”, and the “Well Done Rusty, King of the Track” is now set to the same melody, which is slowed, and jars with the dissonance. Then the reprise of the “Starlight Express” melody is as you’d expect, into Dinah’s “Greaseball you’re hurt!” - beautifully performed, and there isn’t the jarring sense of “No, honey, don’t go back to your abusive ex!” - which is possibly more of a negative statement since Dinah’s character is so inconsistent. Oliver Tompsett does have the most magnificent puppy-eyes pleading expression though, making it hard to resist forgiving his character!

Leading into Light at the end of the Tunnel, Mica Paris was again having difficulty singing the role written for a baritone! I had a moment of cognitive dissonance, given how there had been strong throw-backs to the 1984 version of the show, for the one line that was originally sung by Soul Queen PP Arnold as Belle, “The man who watched the pot and said, hey I got…” - for one moment being sung by Soul Queen Mica Paris! The final number bounced along, full of joy and energy as ever, with no changes from the norm. No megamix, just a play-out from the fantastic band.

#stexworkshop #starlight express #Scene by Scene analysis

26 notes · View notes

squireofgeekdom · 7 years

Note

For the prompt meme: 7 ("Oh, God, why do I know you?”) for Leo McGarry and Jed Bartlet

I’d like to preempt this by saying that I don’t actually know if serving holiday turkey with orange slices is actually a Thing I just needed a silly holiday food thing for Jed to be pedantic about.

—–

“What are you doing?”

Leo turns around to look at Jed, “Putting the turkey in the oven?”

“No, no no no. You haven’t added the orange slices, have you?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Well it’s not Christmas turkey without orange slices, is it?”

“I’ve never had Christmas turkey with orange slices -”

“Sure you have, when you’ve been here for Christmas.”

“Well, I didn’t remember the orange slices, so they can’t be -”

“Ah, that’s because you don’t know the history of the orange slices. In the year -”

“Oh, God, why do I know you?” Leo sighs.

“You did volunteer to cook with him,” Abbey says as she opens the door, a bag of groceries in her other hand.

“Abbey, please tell me you’ve brought something edible, before I get a lecture on the history of citrus.”

“Leo here doesn’t think Christmas turkey needs orange slices.”

Abbey rolls her eyes and looks at Leo. “It’s an old Bartlet family tradition, believe me, there’s no arguing with him when he’s like this.”

“Yup.”

“Did he get started on the origins of the orange in the United States?”

“I think your arrival just preempted that particular history lesson.”

“I notice that both of you are talking about me as though I’m not here - no no, don’t stop, I’ll just take this time to slice oranges, so we can eat our Christmas turkey like a civilized family.”

Abbey laughs. “I’ll slice the oranges, you two go help the girls with the tree.”

Somehow, they get the tree inside without anyone ending up in the hospital, though it’s a close thing. While the comforting smells of a holiday meal in the oven waft from the kitchen, Jed Bartlet holds court on the pagan history of Christmas trees and their various decorations, and the Bartlet family tells stories of each ornament as it goes up on the tree.

After they’ve placed the star on the top of the tree, Leo escapes a particularly long winded conversation about Zoe’s course selection to check on the turkey and the pies in the oven.

He’s just closed the oven door when Jed leans in through the doorway. “C’mon, we’re getting a family picture with the tree.”

“Do you want me to take it?” He asks, nonplussed.

Jed seems just as befuddled by his response. “What? No, it’s on a timer.”

Leo shakes his head. “I shouldn’t be -”

“Leo.” He says, drawing his name out into two syllables, impatient and affectionate at the same time. “You’re family. Now get in here.”

“Alright,” He says, his hands raised in mock-surrender, and lets himself be dragged in among Abbey and Jed and the girls.

(He grudgingly admits that the turkey does taste better with the orange slices.)

#writing prompt #the west wing #leo mcgarry #jed bartlet #abbey bartlet #squire's stuff #mairi #qpp: that was awfully nice of you #qp3: game on #catch me using family words for these three and no one can stop me #do you ever have characters that you've just watched so much so many times #and their voices are in your head clear as a bell #yeah that's these two

23 notes · View notes

tellywoodtrash · 7 years

Text

ishqbaaz 12.07.17 lb

plain text version here.

self confidence goals: ragini 😊😊😊

anika’s hiding and snooping game be hella weak. 🙄🙄🙄

god this baagad billa looks 🔥🔥🔥 in black. i can’t even. meri saansein ruk rahi hai yougaiz. 😧😧😧

LMAO SHIVAAY REFUSING TO TAKE THE HINT HAHAHAHA 😂😂😂

lololol the speed jis se anika prakat hui when ragini touched shivaay. 😆😆😆

“kaadha? what’s kaadha?” “this? this green green item is kaadha! drink this, and your health will be TAN TANA TAN TAN TAN TAARA!”

hahahahahaha shivaay’s faceeeeeeee. 😂😂😂

this family is super big on its weird kaadhas. i’m on team ragini. it looks weird and hell no to drinking it, no matter what you say, billu in black. 😒😒😒

pfffffffffft, these two be eye-fucking riiiiiiiiiight in front of her. kuch toh sharam karo. 😶😶😶

ragini makes valiant second attempt. 😌😌😌

success! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

lmaoooooooooo if looks could kill, there’d just be scorch marks on the floor where billu previously stood. 🙃🙃🙃

i’m not falling for this tej-jhanvi nonsense again. tej’s a dirty dog who will never sudharofy. he doesn’t deserve to even be on the same continent as jhanvi. 😑😑😑

“kitne dino baad hum normally baat kar rahe hai!”

yeah it’s so sad when someone trying to set you on fire and that puts a damper on civil conversation. 😕😕😕

ugh this simpering conversation is sooooo boringgggggg. im fwdinggggg. 😣😣😣

yup. fully called it. 🙄🙄🙄

WAZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAA QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEN I MISSSED YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU LOOKING FIRE AS EVERRRRRRRR 😍😍😍

... someone tell me where REAL bechaaaari svetlana is though. 😐😐😐

time for regularly scheduled Faraq Fight of the hour. 😊😊😊

baaat ka batangad. kaadha diya, zeher nahi. untwist your boxer briefs, billu. 🙄🙄🙄

he’s getting angsty and mad at her for believing that ragini is his fiancee, when that’s exactly what he wanted in the first place. stupidddddd boy. 😑😑😑

he’s thissss close to blurting out the truth. he’s this close to growling “how could you believe i could be remotely interested in anyone else?” 😌😌😌

oh ho, kabab mein omki. 😒😒😒

...yeh dikhaana tha? iske liye achcha khaasa sexy shivika moment kharaab kiya tha? 😠😠😠

ok rudra is the unfittest gym bunny i have ever seen. 10 crunches take it out of him???? son, i haven’t exercised since 2003, and *i* can do 10 crunches. 😕😕😕

also @ acp anda (as @vishwaspur calls her): who the fuckkkkkkk exercises with hair alll khulaaa and flowing around? 😑😑😑

caaaaasual misogyny time. nice to see that bit of rudra’s personality is constant. 😒😒😒

RETURN OF OLD SENSIBLE, SNARKY OMKARA. *CRYING OF HAPPY* 😭😭😭😭😭😭

pfffft, shivaay and his tarafdaari of baby brother. 😆😆😆

i honestly love how much shivaay babies rudra. it’s fucking adorable. 😚😚😚

ugh svetlana, girlllllllllll, you can honestly do SO MUCH BETTER? it painssssss me to see you waste your hotness on terrible tej. 😫😫😫

i just realised that i want svetlana and jhanvi to get together. like, as a couple. two amazing, beautiful queens. haaaaye. imagine the flawless. 😍😍😍 #jhanLana #makeItHappen

oufffffff, can this scene enddddddddd already? 😑😑😑

oh boy. what plan? will they steal jhanvi’s face next and put her in the freezer dabba? 😟😟😟

sarcasm singh oberoi needs to shut it. 😒😒😒

omkara is me. i am omkara. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

oh god are they going to sabotage his gym equipment? IT COULD KILL HIM, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! 😧😧😧

of course pedantic singh oberoi has to sit and read the user manual. 😑😑😑

i relate with omki’s frustration level sooooo much rn. 🤦🏽🤦🏽🤦🏽

why are pinky/shakti on the DBO set of OM? 🤔🤔🤔

TAMEEZ AND DISCIPLINE? WHAT IS THIS, GURUKUL OF MOHABBATEIN? 🙄🙄🙄

ooooooop, shaktiji calling pinky out on the reallll issue. 🙊🙊🙊

oh dang. shaant shaktiji is shaaant no more. 😬😬😬

pffffffft, bhains ke aage been kyun baja rahe ho shaktiji? go do some pooja-paath instead. 😕😕😕

but yeah, this is the slow start to the pinky ka redemption track, methinks. she’ll continue with her ragini wala plan for a while, but then she’ll do something that’ll be her “ek kadam” and the family will forgive her and accept her. whatever. i don’t even care anymore. i just need her to stop being so nasty so i can stop hating her. it’s exhausting. 😖😖😖

“ab toh aaj yeh machine rahegi, ya main rahoonga!”

famous last words. 🤐🤐🤐

📰📰📰 tomorrow’s headlines 📰📰📰: oberoi scion (no, not the hot and short rude one. or the one with the hair. the other one.) killed due to stupidity. absolutely no one surprised. we’re amazed he made it this far.

eeeeeee callback to “haath chod” moment of yore! omkiiiiiii. alavoooooo. *pulls his cheeks* 😘😘😘

i need the mom of a hot guy to throw her son at me, the way pinky is throwing shivaay at ragini. 😌😌😌 #suchSexPositive #muchProgressive #Wow

ragini’s amazing faces of the day:

how the fuck is dadi expecting this whole fucking taj mahal sized mansion to be painted IN ONE DAY?????????? 🤔🤔🤔

awwwww bulbul and her adorable baby cheenkein. 😊😊😊

pft. what a contrived issue. and these idiots are sooooooo useless. 😒😒😒

literally just some pics of shivika being attractively annoyed/annoying:

this is suchhhhhhhhhhhhh a stupidddddd “problem”, lord. literally just watching for shivika and om’s hella beautiful faces. 😒😒😒

wow. gale force winds blowing inside the room at romantic scene. amaze. 😐😐😐

so... gender reversed fairy lights scene from IPKKND/DBO then. but with... gym equipment. sure. 🤷🏽🤷🏽🤷🏽

it’s amazing how little fucks i give about these two as a couple. i’m literally more invested in prinkveer. 😕😕😕

OH MY GOD WHY WON’T THIS SCENE ENDDDDDDDDDD????????? FWD FWD FWD FWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. can’t believe i’m having to sacrifice on bulbul screentime/rikara romance for this BS. 😒😒😒

there. there’s the beginning to pinky’s redemption. she’s going to try and expose him for jhanvi’s sake. but it’s gonna backfire and he’ll expose the truth about shivaay to fuck her over. oyyyy vey. 😬😬😬

these threeeee fucking idiots. don’t they have their own love/sex lives which are in shambles to attend to? khade ho kar vicariously getting kicks from the most thanda “love story” in the history of the world. 😒😒😒

greattttttt. back to square one. 😑😑😑

shivaay: “tum log ladne ke bahaane ko dhoond kyun rahe ho? come on, be nice to her, she helped you out.”

oh my god. OH MY GOD. irony just died a thousand fucking deaths right now. *lays flowers at its grave* 😧😧😧

ragini: comes to talk to shivaay. shivaay: literally ignores her to turn to anika and randomly ask her what SHE’S up to. 😂😂😂

ohhhhhhhhh shivaaaay. why you even started this whole stupid engagement drama when you don’t even have the mettle to act on it for 10 minutes is beyond me. 🙄🙄🙄

oh nooo, ragini ki choppppp. 😋😋😋

pinky’s gonna do it. she’s gonna blurt it out. 😗😗😗

yuppppppppp. she’s...

oh no, shaktiji is putting addddchan. and misunderstanding her intentions. 😐😐😐

I FULLY NEED JHANVI TO GONE GIRL TEJ’S ASS. LIKE YESTERDAY. PLEASE GOD. HE DESERVES TO BE STABBED IN THE FACE, THIS LYING SNAKE. 😡😡😡

ok, when someone is going to SUCH lengths to prove their story, it’s shady af. 🙄🙄🙄

yes pinky, please use your tedhaaa dimaag for productive things like these. leave your son alone for like a day, so he can get laid already. 😑😑😑

LMAOOOOOOOO WHY IS ANIKA SO SMUGLYYYYY SWAYING WHILE SHIVAAY LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE? 😂😂😂😂😂

GENDA CHAAP DANT MANJAN. lolololol. 😆😆😆

produced by same company as chamko detergent??? 😁😁😁

of course he doesn’t know what manjan is. #burgerBachcha 🙄🙄🙄

GOD SHE’S SO STINKING CUTE I CAN’T EVEN. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ONE PERSON TO BE THIS CUTE? IT SHOULD BE BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE! THE LEVELS OF CUTE IN HER BLOOD ARE TOO HIGH!!!!!!!!!!! 😧😧😧😧😧😧😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

“shivaay, aap na meri baat kabhi nahi samjhenge.” “main toh tumhe hi nahi samajh paaya, anika. tumhaari baaton ko kya samjhunga.”

ooooop. things suddenly serious. though, is he talking still labouring under the misunderstanding, or does he Know™ about what she did? 🤔🤔🤔

“story kahin se kahin bhi pohunch jaaye, lekin yeh dono har do minute kisi na kisi pillar ke peeche hi milenge.” “ya phir RK pose mein!”

lmaoooooooooo 😂😂😂

anika be like bitch i don’t have time for this passive aggressive emotional garbage. ANIKA OUT!!!!!!!!!! 😒😒😒

lololol om’s shiftyyyyyyyyy look. GODDDDD MAN, WHAT EVEN IS YOUR FACEEEEEEEEE I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU 😍😍😍😍😍😍

hahaha khanna be hardcore shivika shipper from literally day 1. shivaay have dinner with some other ho? NOT ON HIS WATCH! ❌❌❌

pft such contrivedddddddd excuses. and these idiots are falling for it too. 🙄🙄🙄

how nice and convenient that there’s such strategic mood lighting that makes their skin look perfect and glowy. 😌😌😌

THIS ISN’T THE FUCKING STOREROOM. THIS IS THAT... ok idk what to call it, but it’s that random performance hall type space in their house. 😐😐😐

waaah lighting got even more romantic. and there’s dinner too! 😇😇😇

me: waaay more excited about the food >>> the man. 😊😊😊

ooooooooooh. things getting serious. and angstyyyyyyyyyy. 😌😌😌

lmao what the fuck even is this tent nonsense? WHY WOULD YOU SET UP A TENT IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE A FULL-ON FUCKING STORM? HOW LONG IS OM PLANNING TO STAND THERE HOLDING ON TO THE DAMN THING????????? 😕😕😕

JUST GET IN THERE AND CUDDLE WITH HER, BOO. 🙃🙃🙃😚😚😚😉😉😉

#ishqbaaz #ishqbaaaz #ib episode liveblogs #episode liveblogs #120717 ib lb

29 notes · View notes

wildishmazz · 7 years

Text

GoT S7 finale ramblings

#GOT7 #GOT7 spoilers #asoiaf #spoilers

4 notes · View notes

ladytygrycomics · 7 years

Text

All You [N]Ever Wanted to Know about the Biology of Freeza’s Race. . .Probably

Disclaimer:

I will begin by saying that I feel it is in poor taste to explain world-building outside of a narrative because that is something that should be achieved within the narrative itself (however subtle or apparent it might actually be).

Still, this particular topic is a popular one and so many of the private questions I get are in relation to it that I feel I should post something, if for no other reason than to establish a precedent that yes, I do come up with this crap on my own. I’ll still address it, just as I intended, within the story itself, but I thought an infodump might be fun. After all, it’s going to take me years, at my current pace, to tell the entire story.

Finally, I post this only because this is the type of thing about which I geek out (but only to a certain point). I say it all in good humor and with a gentle reminder that we’re talking about a universe with energy blasts, flying people, and filthy wish dragons. Being legitimately mean-spirited about disagreements regarding fictional characters, their anatomy, and so forth? GTFO. ^_^

Oh, and hey, if this sort of rambling appeals to you, or if you just want to read some Freeza fanfiction, you can follow my webcomic here~

My Background: I’ve been an animal geek since I was a child back in the (gulp) 80s. I loved to read nonfiction about creatures and watch nature documentaries. That love has never died. I had nearly every type of pet of growing up but my first love was always reptiles.

Like so many who shared a fascination with the beings who inhabit our planet, I assumed that I would pursue a career in veterinary medicine. On two separate occasions, I sought out veterinarians to shadow professionally and both times, I knew that it wasn’t the field for me. Oddly enough, it seemed that one would need to adopt a sort of callousness (compassion fatigue) to survive in the career. Animal abuse and neglect were more common than I could stomach; I hated the idea of having to develop that sort of attitude just to do my job.

Despite choosing a different career path, my hobbies continued to reflect my interest in animals: dog obedience, animal training/behavior, equitation, falconry. . . the list goes on. As an undergrad, I worked as a department lead for one of the few pet store chains that has some integrity, e.g., spending hundreds on surgery for something like a six-dollar hamster in our care was not unheard of.

Specifically, I worked in exotic pet care and I was the go-to person for herps (reptiles/amphibians) and psittacines (parrots). I am by no means an expert on the level of a focused biologist in the field. I offer this information only to show that the biological decisions I’ve made in representing a fictional, alien race come from at least (some) experience and study.

Arcosians: Before someone gets their panties in a knot, I’ll touch on the name I use to denote Freeza’s race. For everyone who points out that “Arcosian” is exclusive to the Ocean dub, yes, I know. To anyone who says that the aliens depicted in this filler, who first contract the saiyans, are not the same race as Freeza’s clan, yup, I agree with you. Freeza didn’t even exist as a known concept when that was animated.

I had to pick a name to avoid being catachrestic. Clunky phrases like “Freeza’s clan” and “Freeza’s race” are jarring to the ear.

When I first entered the fandom, most people called them either Icejins or Changelings. “Icejin” makes my inner etymologist squirm (though this is the term I still use when talking casually). “Changeling” denotes something else.

“Arcosian” and “Arcos”, even given the source, have been the most satisfying choice for me. Rest assured, I don’t personally get hung up on anyone using the other terms (or having different head-canons, in general). If we can follow what the other person is trying to communicate, there’s little point in being pedantic (and it tends to reflect more poorly on the person acting like a dick than the person who is “wrong.”)

Commonalities:

Sexes:

For storytelling purposes and for simplification, I stick with two (male and female). It’s boring and uninspired but I can work with it without having to spend a lot of time establishing new information. Hermaphroditism in higher species is rare and while there are some instances of intersex in reptiles, I wasn’t interested in trying to focus on this.

Omnivorous:

While you get the occasional, herbivorous oddballs like uromastyx, many reptiles are carnivorous/insectivorous. You get omnivorous species as well so depending on which creature you’re using as inspiration, there’s a lot of room to make up information for a fictional species that shares reptilian attributes. I imagine that Arcosians are primarily fish and meat eaters. Veggies aid digestion. Fruit is a treat. Grains would be the least tasty meal for them.

Noises: The only reptilian noise I’ve adopted is “purring” and this is loosely based on crocodilian behavior that males use to attract mates and establish territory. I’ve taken some major liberties with this one in that it’s used as an involuntary indicator that a male of the species is feeling especially amorous. Look for it to be used for comedic effect later.

Scents: Those big eyes in the center of the face typify predators and the Arcosians are no exception. While primarily a visual species, there will be some instances where scent comes into play, particularly in a breeding behavior involving scent glands under the tail and an ability to perceive female receptiveness (in their own species and in some others). Have you ever wondered why human females are discouraged from owning male iguanas? It’s not pretty on the rare occasions that something goes REALLY wrong. <.<

Oviparous: Honestly, I think it’s more likely, given some of the dissimilarities I use, that Freeza’s race would bear live young (like some reptiles). I needed them to be egg layers for a narrative decision that won’t become apparent until much later in my story. I did take advantage of this though and go with the tendency that some reptiles have their genders determined by temperature during incubation (so these fancy aliens have the technology to choose the sex of their offspring by the time Freeza is born).

Dissimilarities:

Sexual dimorphism: This is the fancy way of saying that males and females can be visually distinguished from each other and in a way more telling than having a look under the tail. I wanted to play with this a lot more than I ended up doing but the key difference I use is that black lines on the face are a male trait (perhaps serving a similar purpose as those on a cheetah) while colored markings under the eyes are a female trait. Defined lips are a masculine trait.

Bio Armor: I waffled on this for a while because of how ambiguous Freeza’s first form looks in terms of being either organic or technological. I ended up going with the former which seems to be the common head canon anyway.

Endothermic: This is the fancy way of saying they’re warm-blooded. The simple explanation is that Freeza has proven he can survive in space, though I imagine he would adopt a defensive state of torpor, even when healthy, i.e., not cleaved in two. Surely he should have SOME vulnerabilities, right?

Most of the fandom assumes the species is cold-blooded but here’s the fun factoid that many don’t seem to know: cold-blooded animals DON’T sweat. More specifically, unless I’m forgetting some exception, only mammals sweat (and not all mammals do).

While the similarities between reptiles are intentional, I also don’t want to be TOO on-the-nose when it comes to drawing those similitudes. Toriyama (likely unintentionally) establishes that Freeza’s species shares mammalian traits (apart from other physical similarities, of course) by making him sweat like a pig in his fight with Goku.

Mutant traits: “[Cold and Freeza] are the only ones [of their race] who possess an abnormal level of battle power and cruelty”—so said Toriyama in an interview about Bardock. I treat most Arcosians as being comparable to strong humans—they can’t fly, manipulate energy, etc. I decided to make transformation a purely mutant trait as well. There are elements of Freeza’s suppressed forms present in other OCs of the species but this is solely because I wanted to better differentiate characters.

Asexuality: From the same Bardock interview, Toriyama commented that Freeza was born from his father alone. In context, the phrase modifies Freeza’s traits as a mutant. Did Toriyama actually mean that the species is asexual? Maybe? Probably? It would be fitting for a perfect life form but at the end of the day, there just aren’t a lot of female characters in DBZ. It would not surprise me if this were a potential means to include procreation without needing to include another character (which Toriyama has certainly done in the past). Still, I’m ignoring the hell out of this, regardless of intent/correctness, for narrative reasons.

"Biogems”: I haven’t yet decided on a specific term to indicate the shiny carapaces that sit on the heads, chests, forearms, shoulders, and shins of some Arcosians. But you know what I mean.. . I’ll probably just continue to say “carapaces.” I had some fun with this one and I imagine that these are something wholly alien about the species. They serve to regulate body temperature in all parts of the body and protect important organs (namely the brain and guts). For the chest bit, I used a bit of bird geekery: it will also serve as a brood patch during natural incubation.

Genitals: (because everyone loves the naughty bits). I don’t have an established head canon on how their junk looks. The NSFW stuff I draw varies and will likely continue to vary unless there is a lot of interest in seeing an 18+ version of the steamy scenes (at which point I’ll commit to a design). Until then, expect to not get a clear look in the public version of the comic.

All I can say is that the males keep their equipment stored in the base of their tails until it’s needed (just like most reptiles). I did have a laugh about giving Freeza some hemipenes or some other type of weird-looking reptile gear (and boy, is there ever some out there) but if push comes to shove, don’t expect something too alien.

I think that covers it. . . Did I miss anything? Let me know your thoughts. And hey, if you like this sort of thing and want me to do more, let me know! Otherwise, I’ll be content to keep quietly turning out comic pages. :3

#frieza #biology #head canon #Dragon Ball Z #ladytygry

38 notes · View notes

2whatcom-blog · 5 years

Text

Making Sense of Quantum Mechanics

I will all the time be grateful to David Albert. Within the early 1990s, after I was struggling to put in writing an article referred to as "Quantum Philosophy," Albert, a thinker of physics who focuses on quantum mechanics, took pity on me. He served as my information by the netherworld of quantum interpretations, elucidating the relative deserves of the Copenhagen, Bohmian pilot-wave and many-worlds interpretations. He informed me about his personal concepts too, together with a many-worlds variant that includes many minds, and hypothesis on on how synthetic intelligences based mostly on quantum computation would possibly differ from our personal minds. Albert, who's at Columbia, belongs to a philosophy salon to which I belong in New York Metropolis, and he all the time elevates the chitchat. He's erudite with out being pedantic, by which I imply that he cuts by the bullshit, a trait that I, the novice, respect. To see what I imply, take a look at his 2012 critique of a pop-physics e-book, one in all my all-time favourite takedowns, and a preprint of his new paper "How to Teach Quantum Mechanics." Curiosity in quantum mechanics has surged not too long ago due to books like Past Bizarre by Philip Ball and What Is Actual? by Adam Becker (for whom Albert served as a supply). I believed it might be a very good time to seek the advice of my trusty information. - John Horgan Horgan: You may have a doctorate in physics, however you grew to become a thinker. Why? Did you determine physics is simply too exhausting? Albert: Properly, yeah - in a way. What was too exhausting (particularly) was getting someone to rent me to consider the kinds of questions that me in a physics division that was situated in a spot the place I needed to reside. Occupied with foundational questions - which had been the kinds of questions that I used to be occupied with, and the kinds of questions that I felt I used to be good at excited about - was very a lot out of vogue, and really a lot frowned upon, in most physics departments again within the early 1980's. However not so in philosophy departments. So what it got here all the way down to, on the time, was that if I needed to work in a physics division I used to be going to should reside in South Carolina, but when I used to be keen to work in a philosophy division I may reside in New York. Horgan: Good selection. What's the level, in our scientific age, of philosophy? Albert: I am undecided I see the connection. It is like asking, "What is the point, in our scientific age, of ice cream?" Individuals prefer it. Individuals - or some individuals - need to perceive how issues, within the broadest doable sense of the time period, dangle collectively. And it occurs (furthermore) that the enterprise of making an attempt to determine that out has had apparent and massive and innumerable penalties for the historical past of the world. And if the thought is that what goes on in college science departments has these days one way or the other taken that operate over, then that is simply clearly and wildly incorrect - and the truth that it is incorrect, as I defined in my reply to your earlier query, was a part of the rationale why I moved from a science division to a philosophy division. Horgan: Ice cream? Mmm. What's philosophy's chief contribution to humanity? Albert: Readability. Marvel. A sure sort of nervousness. The plain and massive and innumerable penalties for the historical past of the world that I discussed above. I do not know. Horgan: You demolished Lawrence Krauss's A Universe from Nothing in 2012, stating quantum subject, which Krauss stated generated the cosmos, is not nothing. Here is my query: Will science ever inform us why there's something somewhat than nothing? Albert: I am unable to see how that might work. The query itself - the query (that's) of "Why is there something rather than nothing?" - appears to me to be predicated on a false or confused understanding of what it's to elucidate one thing, or what it's (at any fee) to elucidate one thing scientifically. Scientific explanations (that's: scientific solutions to "why" questions) are methods of exhibiting us get from sure facets of how issues are to different facets of how issues are. One explains sure facets of how issues are when it comes to sure different facets of how issues are. One explains (for instance) the place a projectile ultimately lands when it comes to its preliminary place and velocity, and its mass, and the atmospheric situations, and the gravitational situations, and the legal guidelines of physics. One explains the rise of Trump when it comes to the stagnation of wages, or when it comes to the ubiquity of actuality TV, or I do not know what. And so there should be sure facets of how issues are already on the desk (you would possibly say) to ensure that something like a scientific rationalization even to get began. And I am unable to think about what these could be - those which might be already on the desk - within the case of an "explanation" of why there's something somewhat than nothing. Horgan: I will take that as a no. You have spent a variety of time pondering quantum mechanics. Have you ever figured it out but? Albert: Yup. Type of. I feel I perceive it a lot better than I used to, and higher than I used to think about I ever would. Horgan: What's your favourite interpretation of quantum mechanics, and why? Albert: As soon as upon a time, physics aspired to supply us an goal and literal and practical and complete and mechanical account of what the world is definitely like. And that aspiration instantly started to look quaint and naive and hopeless, within the early many years of the 20th century, beneath the implausible assault of quantum mechanics. And the interpretations of quantum mechanics that I like (though "interpretation" is basically the incorrect phrase right here - because the numerous so-called "interpretations" on supply are actually totally different bodily theories, which frequently make totally different empirical predictions) are those that present, by specific instance, that an account like that may nonetheless be had - interpretations (that's) like Bohmian Mechanics, and theories of spontaneous localization. And amongst these I've no favourite. I feel all of them are fascinating, and promising, and since they make totally different predictions in regards to the outcomes of sure performable experiments, it will likely be as much as these experiments, and to not philosophers like myself, to determine which ones, if any, are literally true. However there's a additional puzzle right here - one thing (because it had been) extra fine-grained, one thing that it has solely pretty not too long ago occurred to individuals to surprise about. All the "interpretations" I discussed above make essential use of one thing referred to as the quantum-mechanical wave-function. And there's a query - even as soon as we now have settled on one or one other of these "interpretations" - about what kinds of issues quantum-mechanical wave-functions are. And numerous doable solutions to that query have been hotly debated for 15 or 20 years now. Everyone has all the time agreed that the only and most flat-footed and most evident means to consider what wave-functions are is to think about them as concrete bodily objects. However the area that wave-functions reside in, the area (that's) that we might be obliged to think about as the elemental bodily area of the world- if we need to consider wave-functions as concrete bodily objects - occurs to have a huge variety of dimensions. And this has all the time appeared to all people to quantity to an issue. And I've these days develop into satisfied that it's nothing of the kind. I've these days develop into satisfied that (as a matter of reality) it's the key to the entire enterprise. It seems that if you happen to think about that the elemental bodily area of the world is one thing different, and bigger, and totally different than the three-dimensional area of our on a regular basis expertise, then all the things that has all the time appeared uncanny about quantum mechanics instantly turns into clear and easy and comprehensible and in some sense to have been anticipated. Anyway, that is the work that I used to be considering of in my response to your earlier query. Horgan: Why does quantum mechanics encourage a lot New Age nonsense? Albert: Exactly (I suppose) as a result of quantum mechanics had for therefore lengthy been understood - incorrectly - to have overthrown each hope of understanding the world in an goal and literal and practical and mechanical means. Horgan: Is consciousness a solvable downside? Albert: I kind of really feel the bottom popping out from beneath me after I strive to consider that. I am unable to perceive how physics may presumably give us a completely passable account of consciousness, and I am unable to perceive how physics may presumably fail, on the finish of the day, to offer us a completely passable account of consciousness. Horgan: Are you a member of the Singularity cult? Nope. Horgan: I am glad. Nietzsche stated "there are absolutely no moral facts" and "what moral and religious judgments have in common is belief in things that aren't real." Was he proper? Do ethical guidelines have something remotely approaching the standing of scientific and mathematical truths? Albert: I suppose I feel not. I suppose (that's) that I feel that ethical guidelines have a really totally different kind of nature, and a really totally different kind of standing, than scientific and mathematical truths. However a colleague of mine (Justin Clarke-Doane) has a cute argument to the impact that the epistemic standing of mathematical truths cannot be a lot totally different from the epistemic standing of moral ones. Horgan: Why are most philosophical papers so damned exhausting to grasp? Are you making an attempt to maintain out the riff-raff? Albert: They don't seem to be so exhausting to grasp, and the place they're it is simply because individuals are making an attempt their greatest to watch out, and to get issues proper. Do you ask Quantum Area Theorists why their papers are so dammed exhausting to grasp? Horgan: I suppose I do not. Is it honest to anticipate philosophers to be wiser and extra moral than non-philosophers? Albert: It appears like it might be extra to the purpose to anticipate that of our leaders. Horgan: Truthful level. What's your utopia? Albert: I see that a few of your different respondents talked about someplace the place they might sit round in bathing fits and have good conversations with fascinating individuals. I like that too. Additional Studying: For an alternate tackle quantum mechanics, see "Tragedy and Telepathy," a chapter in my free on-line e-book Thoughts-Physique Issues. David Bohm, Quantum Mechanics and Enlightenment Do Our Questions Create the World? Science Will By no means Clarify Why There's One thing Reasonably Than Nothing What Is Philosophy's Level? Half 1 Was Thomas Kuhn Evil? See additionally my Q&As with Scott Aaronson, David Chalmers, Noam Chomsky, David Deutsch, George Ellis,Marcelo Gleiser, Robin Hanson, Nick Herbert,Jim Holt,Sabine Hossenfelder,Stuart Kauffman, Christof Koch,Garrett Lisi,Tim Maudlin, Priyamvada Natarajan, Naomi Oreskes,Martin Rees, Carlo Rovelli,Rupert Sheldrake, Lee Smolin, Sheldon Solomon, Paul Steinhardt, Philip Tetlock,Tyler Volk,Steven Weinberg, Edward Witten, Peter Woit, Stephen Wolfram and Eliezer Yudkowsky. Read the full article

#2what.com #Albert #horgan #mechanics #physics #quantum #scientific #sort

0 notes

lizacstuff · 8 years

Text

Anon asks

So as not to clog any of your dashes, fandom wank under the cut

beka1820 @beka1820 I’m confused how she said that TvLine and Deadline contradicted each other and that they’re crazy or whatever. Didn’t they say the same thing essentially. Especially about the specific 4? That whole post would be so entertaining if it wasn’t so insulting to JMo.

I saw that!! I suppose it exposes her complete lack of reading comprehension? The stories were pretty much identical to me.

However, she is one of those people who posts something, it turns out to be completely wrong, but then she comes back and says “look how right I was.”

Very Trump-esque.

Anonymous said:The one thing I’d love to come true from that dumb post is for Jen to be made a producer.

I’m sure the reason that the producer thing is part of this pretend narrative is because it’s kind of an obvious guess at this stage of the game. Often in contract re-negotiations actors get producer credits and JMo is clearly the actor from the show who is the most collaborative with the creatives and she’s also the one who is most interested in things behind the scenes. It’s not really that bit of a leap.

Also, I think it would be fabulous.

Anonymous said:That post was hilarious! I love how she took Jen’s pics on Instagram as clear signs of her planning to leave. I bet if I had the willpower I could go through Lana’s thousand selfies with her super deep captions and come up with all kinds of “signs” that she’s leaving as well.

Oh that was the best! However, that fandom in general has been reading “coded” messages that their fanon ship would be “endgame” for years, I suppose it’s not a leap for them to read coded messages sent from actors to networks in random photos.

Delusional.

And yes a behavioral psychologist could have a field day going through Lana’s feed. Narcissism anyone…

Anonymous said:I stopped reading the Jen hater post when she said Jen would refuse to do any interview with an smaller outlets. We saw her giving interviews to podcasts, youtubers, small websites. So when you detect something you know is a lie, the rest doesn’t even matter.

Exactly! Totally inaccurate. There are so many instances of that. “My sources say” well your sources (voices in her head) assertions are demonstrably false, so WTF are you even talking about?

Anonymous said So is it possible for a certain news person to come up with a load of crap, like pages and pages of bullshit (like that would take a really dumb long time to bullshit up) because they hate a certain actress/character. If so then I 👏👏👏 their dedication to their craft.

I’s astounding. I wonder if there is a Pulitzer Prize for Fandom Dumbfuckery?

Anonymous said:So the troll believes us Colin fans should be worried about the casting of Andrew as a possible regular next season if Colin stays… according to the trolls logic Andrew being a new pretty white face will be the new writers fav so no time for Colin… Lol I just can’t.. how can her followers still believe her crap

Simple, because they want to believe it. They’ve lost everything. So they cling to preposterous anti rhetoric that tries to spin everything that happens as bad for CS fans, CS, Hook, Emma, Jen and Colin.

It’s simple.

However, if anyone can’t see through every word and buys the nonsense hook, line and sinker, then they are a total fucking moron.

Anonymous said:I think I know who that troll you’ve mentioned is and wow! I read some of their posts and they are so stupid. Apparently JMo’s random innocent Instagram posts are some sort of message to the network! And every single thing Jen does is directly or indirectly meant to pressure the network! Are there people who actually believe this person? Because wow that’s dumb even for a S Qer.

Yep. It also shows how she doesn’t get JMo and doesn’t get how low-profile OUAT is in the “industry.” Like I said in a previous post, her fatal flaw is she projects her own pompous, pedantic, pretentious, over-investment on to her “sources” and the “industry.”

To hilarious and scary results.

Anonymous said:Could the troll make it any more obvious that she’s making everything up? I don’t think so.

No. She might as well asterisk everything with “this is total BS and wishful thinking”

Anonymous said:I think the relatively low amount of notes on that “industry sources” post is indicative of how far out of favor the troll has fallen. She’s been off the deep end since 5a, and doubled down on her “efforts” since the engagement ring showed up on Emma’s finger. I think the anti Jmo angle she’s been working for the last week damaged that posts impact; everyone knows she’s just got an axe to grind. I don’t think as many people believe what she says anymore. People don’t trust her.

No one should trust her. They shouldn’t trust what she says publicly and they sure as hell shouldn’t trust what she says privately. However, at this point if anyone doesn’t have her number… boy I don’t know.

Anonymous said:Oh, is the troll scrambling to save face now that all her assertions that JMO quit appear to be bunk? What is her problem with JMo anyway? She’s been ragging on her for like 3 days now.

JMo doesn’t pander or cater to her sex fantasies by posting selfie’s with Lana so she must be stopped!!!!!!

Anonymous said:I think my favorite part was when she added a point about Lana having auditioned for some pilots. But apparently turned down offers or something? She knew this back in January but didn’t think it was worth mentioning. Does she have a bingo game set up and whatever it lands on, that’s what those insider (voices in her head) sources tell her to say? Does anyone actually still believe her? I’m almost more concerned for the mental health of those people.

I find it hilarious that anyone believes that Lana was getting her door beaten down during pilot season. If you believe that I have some beautiful ocean-side property to sell you in Kansas…

Anonymous said: What is the troll’s beef against JMo anyway? Isn’t she the same one who made up those rumors about Sean?

Yup, said troll was ground zero for the false allegations against Sean.

Anonymous said:Here’s my question about that troll and others like her. There’s actually another fandom I’m in that has a vicious troll spouting off very stupid and even dangerous “insider info” that their followers eat up and take it as gospel. Are these trolls that give out all this bull making it up themselves, or do they actually have someone feeding them this info and they truly believe it is real? I can never tell if they believe it, or just enjoy the lies, attention, and drama they are able to cause.

In this case, I believe this one is making it all up, or with a small cadre of friends. She’s not being fed a line of bull by someone, her track record of lies is too long and deep. I can’t speak to your other fandom, I guess it depends on how gullible the person seems to you. Because it is common for someone to try and find a puppet to actually put the info out there. This troll tried that with the Sean rumors, under the guise of fandom unity, making friends with CSers, O Qers, R Bers and trying to get them to spread it for her.

Also this is not unique to OUAT fandom. It’s happened since the dawn of fandom. People trolling, people pretending to know more than they do. etc. @counttotwenty and I had quite a cabal of false-info and false-spoiler trolls to deal with back in our West Wing fandom days.

Don’t believe them and don’t believe this troll either.

#anti sq #anti lana #fandom wank #troll #asklizac #anonymous

38 notes · View notes

anonymoustalks · 4 years

Text

i think the supreme court is a horrible institution tbh

(6-19-20) You both like politics.

You: hi

Stranger: hi

You: what are you interested in?

Stranger: ideology wise? leftism. discussion? whatever you want

You: leftism is an interesting word

Stranger: there are a variety of ideologies.

Stranger: what are u interested in?

You: mhm me, I guess people and the issues that affect them and their feelings

You: I guess I'm interested in what people think

Stranger: that's fair. different people believe different things for their own reasons.

You: yup

Stranger: any ideology?

You: I'm kind of like vanilla moderate-left

Stranger: hah.

Stranger: what an interesting phrase.

You: lol

You: idk I dunno if there's a particular ideology to it

You: I think I'm relatively normal though

Stranger: do you support capitalism?

You: mhm idk, we live in a capitalistic society

You: I think there are bad things that arise from capitalism

You: but I think I also benefit from it

Stranger: i suppose so.

You: what about you?

Stranger: no, i don't support capitalism

You: mhm how far left are you?

Stranger: hahaha

Stranger: definitely not center-left

Stranger: pretty far

You: lol

You: all the way to the left? (jk)

Stranger: i'm so far left i don't believe in a state

You: haha

You: I feel like there are many of you on omegle

Stranger: or u may just be talking to me over and over again

You: that could be the case

You: do you think you've talked to me before?

Stranger: i meet a lot of people who refuse labels

Stranger: but i find that funny bc in the end our ideological beliefs can be classified as being this or that

You: mhm

You: I think I'm a little bit more policy driven than ideologically driven possibly

You: ideologically I may be a hippie lol

Stranger: but policies are the result of underlying ideology

Stranger: i like hippies a bit

Stranger: free love

You: mhm, but the policies I support don't always reflect my ideology I think

You: yup!

Stranger: fair

You: I think it's important to love everyone

You: and I think its important for government to address as many people's problems as possible

You: even though somebody's problems might not be my problems

Stranger: well as fellow humans we should care for each other

You: yup

You: I like omegle because I like hearing about what people consider to be their problems

You: and I think about what they are angry about

Stranger: capitalism, post-colonial legacies, and hierarchies of power

Stranger: i guess they could all fall under the latter

You: haha ^^

You: where are you from?

Stranger: american

You: mhm

Stranger: u?

You: I think there are a lot of race narratives lately

You: us east

You: so I think about that a lot

You: a lot of difficult feelings about race

Stranger: we have never addressed the hierarchies that slavery created

You: yup

Stranger: they evolved

Stranger: and continue to ruin ppl

You: mhm

Stranger: 's lives

You: I think I try to understand where the alt-right and conservatives are coming from

You: or at least, that's what I spend a lot of my time on omegle doing

Stranger: i don't engage with them

Stranger: they lie

You: you dc?

Stranger: what?

You: disconnect

Stranger: yes. fascism does not need a platform

You: mhm

Stranger: and i don't need to hear someone try to explain white genocide to me

Stranger: it's not real

Stranger: they have created false narratives

Stranger: and i know where they come frm

You: mhm

You: I try to talk to them

You: or well, I try to understand why they're attached to their beliefs

Stranger: their narratives are violent

You: very

Stranger: be careful

Stranger: u might fall down a hole

You: fall down a hole?

Stranger: into the alt-right

You: oh haha

Stranger: i've seen it happen to too many moderate or centrists

You: mhm, thanks for the warning I guess haha

You: I just think there is so much sadness in this country

You: and I think that bothers me

Stranger: u think?

You: well it does

Stranger: i understand the sadness

Stranger: but i am not sad any longer, i am angry

You: mhm

You: are you protesting?

Stranger: yes

You: mhm that's cool

Stranger: and u?

You: no, I'm not very involved, unfortunately >.<

You: I feel like I am glued to the news constantly though

Stranger: if u are not protesting, u can donate

Stranger: or disseminate information

You: oh do you know any good organizations?

Stranger: the naacp is always good

You: yup

Stranger: don't just donate to random ones, some aren't real

You: yeah that would be bad

Stranger: it happened with this foundation based in CA

Stranger: ppl donated millions

You: that's fraud

Stranger: i mean technically in this system it's not

You: hm?

Stranger: it's a legitimate org

You: oh

Stranger: but it's owned by one man

You: ah...

Stranger: only one man

Stranger: and he's the only one who "works" there

You: yeah that seems so sketchy

Stranger: but it's also ppl's fault for not doing their research

You: off topic but I'm really happy about daca today

Stranger: i am too.

You: (was browsing through the naacp twitter)

Stranger: but still worried

You: yeah

Stranger: roberts only sided with the liberal justices bc of a technicality

You: yeah

Stranger: i think the supreme court is a horrible institution tbh

You: mhm go on

Stranger: why do they basically get lifetime appointments?

You: mhmm

You: yeah idk

You: I think in theory, they're not supposed to be political

You: but they totally are

Stranger: of course

Stranger: everything is political

You: are you involved in social media?

Stranger: not really

You: was just curious where you get your news

Stranger: i browse news sources.

Stranger: i like politico

You: ahh that's nice

Stranger: it's pretty accepted by both parties

You: yeah I'm browsing the wikipedia article

You: I feel like I end up reading them a lot when it's around election time for some reason

Stranger: i always cross-check sources tho

You: mhm you're very thorough

You: I think I usually end up reading the new york times the most, but mostly because I have it on my phone the most

Stranger: anyone can be the victim of fake news, i am no exception

You: yeah

You: I should check if there's a politico app

Stranger: i try not to have those apps, bc then i'd be tempted to keep checking

You: haha

Stranger: i limit my news intake to the morning

Stranger: and sometimes in the late afternoon

You: mhm, I should probably be more disciplined I guess

Stranger: we all have our thing

Stranger: i only recently started doing it

Stranger: i can only hand so much human suffering at one time

You: yeah

You: it's a lot to process and digest

Stranger: humans haven't evolved to handle this amount of human suffering

Stranger: the digital age overwhelms us

You: yeah

You: idk if people or more insensitive or something too

You: I gues the mean-spiritedness

Stranger: i think we become desensitized

Stranger: it's like seeing another school shooting

Stranger: you feel bad, but it's morbidly normal

Stranger: and u think "not again" but then nothing changes

You: mhm, I've been weirdly and randomly emotional over the last couple weeks

You: it's strange

Stranger: u should let yourself feel

Stranger: it's a lot

You: mhm

You: I don't know how to navigate the politico site lol

Stranger: oh?

You: I kind of like the old style where everything is just listed chronologically in order of publication lol

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: i understand

You: like I think I found their tag feature

You: but I just want to be able to scroll through everything

Stranger: but this might make you a better news consumer

You: mhm, efficient or something? you mean?

Stranger: not efficient.

Stranger: a more conscious consumer

Stranger: you're going to be more thoughtful in what you chose to seek out and consume

You: oh

You: idk, I kind of struggle with "top news" sections

Stranger: hah

Stranger: Well, I should go to bed. It was a pleasure chatting. Take care, and wear a mask!

You: okay, goodnight!

You: thanks for talking to me!

Stranger: No problem, it's nice chatting with people who aren't dumbass pedants.

Stranger: Goodnight.

Stranger has disconnected.

#omegle #politics #leftism #supreme court #media #politico #naacp #protest

0 notes

theliterateape · 6 years

Text

Farewell to Chicago [1989–2019]

By Don Hall

Thirty years. Almost to the month. Like my ten years with the Chicago Public Schools (closer to nine), my decade in the public radio mines (shy by two months) and my five years hosting The Moth (just short by a month), I’ll round up and if that bothers you, consider yourself a pedant and kin to that fucker who corrects your grammar while in line at a CVS.

No one in Chicago knew a goddamned thing about me on April 7, 1989. I didn’t know anyone in Chicago that day as I drove my blue and grey 1984 Bronco II onto a crowded Lake Shore Drive in Friday afternoon rush hour. Having spent my years growing up jumping from place to place, new wasn’t intimidating but that traffic was something I had yet to encounter. Christ, it took me two days in Chicago to figure out that when other drivers were honking at you, they weren’t waving but flipping you off.

I had no clue on that day that I’d spend the next thirty years of my life in Chicago.

A recitation of accomplishments, jobs, marriages (three), personal and public wars, and lessons learned easy and hard wouldn’t do it justice. I might as well list the cash amounts paid out to rent and utilities. There are, however, moments that help sum up and define what became known as my Chicago.

1989

“Are you the new librarian?”

“No. I’m the music sub but they didn’t have a music position open so I’m being paid as the library sub.”

“Oh. Well, can you bring the book cart to my classroom at 10:45 anyway?”

“Sure.”

“By the way, you know you can’t sleep in your truck in the school parking lot, right?”

“Oh. Yeah. Got it.”

BIG FISH

1990

Marty DeMaat welcomes the Level One students to the Second City Training Program. I look around at the new faces and see Alida Vitas, whom I steamrolled through in our audition scene a few weeks ago. I wave “Hi” and she smiles. Joe Janes is there. He auditioned right after I did so he was in the room during mine. He seems slightly surprised to see me.

“Oh.” he says drily. “They let you in?”

Weeks later, he and I and a cast of other trainees concoct a sketch show entitled “Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman” that we produce in Andersonville later in the year.

1991

“I can’t believe you’ve never had a Lincoln Breakfast,” he mused.

Carey Goldenberg, a Jewish Deadhead who had performed at Second City with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Dan Castelleneta and was now an eighth grade math teacher, sat down at the booth.

“Try the The Monitor Skillet Eggs.”

“Monitor?”

“Named after an Ironsides ship from the Civil War.”

“Oh. Weird.”

“So what’s the big number for the choir next week?”

“We’re doing a tribute to Journey.”

“And the kids dig it?”

“They love it. It’s all new to them. They think ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ was written with them in mind.”

“It kind of was.”

“Yup.”

“You aren't Going to Tell My Mom, are You?"

1992

Jeff Hoover, Joe Janes and I, sitting in the grass just behind the Chicago History Museum. Each of us have cigars and are smoking them.

Weeks earlier, Jeff and I saw “Cannibal Cheerleaders on Crack” on Broadway and, in a slightly drunken haze, decided we could could probably do better.

“Let’s call Joe,” Hoover slurred, tipping his Modelo just enough to dribble some on his shoes.

In the grass, amidst the stinky clouds of barely smoked Romeo and Juliettas, the three of us decide to start our own theater company. Weeks later, we hold auditions in the Neo-Futurarium and cast Level 6, an ensemble of improvisers and sketch comedians with aspirations of something more.

Peculiar Journeys Ep. 28

1993

From the Chicago Reader when they reviewed shows every week, every show:

A MEAN WATUSI

Level 6 and Free Pickles

at Shay's

Only suckers and wimps do just one show at a time: that seems to be the spirit behind the two new revues being hosted by the comedy group Level 6, and for chutzpah alone they deserve credit. While running their straight improv show A Mean Watusi every Sunday night at Shay's bar, they've also put together a scripted show, Silence of the Frogs, a so-called "nonrevue of unimprovisation," which they perform Wednesday nights. Unfortunately, the young group's ambition has overreached their talents, and what might make a fresh 90-minute show has been inflated into two overlong evenings.

The group's biggest mistake is failing to isolate its real creative strength. In A Mean Watusi Level 6 shows what it does best with new twists on the standard improvisational games and some quick wit. While not all the scenes are winners, the group's good humor and high energy make the clunky moments easier to take.

SILENCE OF THE FROGS

Level 6

at Puszh Studios

In Silence of the Frogs, the creative limitations of Level 6 really begin to show. One would think the luxury of a script would prompt them to weed out some of the dross, but instead their material only seems worse. After an interesting introduction in which actor Don Hall plays a muted trumpet to an audio background of croaking frogs, the show screeches to a halt in the first scene.

Cliched dialogue, nondescript characters, and half-realized situations, the sketches end before anything really happens. To make things worse, Joe Janes's direction is so uncertain that the actors appear uncomfortable as they carry out silly stage business (such as when the workmen begin scrubbing an el platform, a spectacle I have never witnessed in all my years as a commuter).

The rest of the scripted material suffers from the same problems. The choppy structure and uneven quality of material give the revue a sluggish pace that is often hard to follow. While a lack of communication between people seems to be the vague thematic thread, it is never clearly outlined and comes across as a lazy afterthought. The show picks up, though, after Silence of the Frogs, when the group returns to do some improv.

In their press release, the group makes a revealing statement: "In Silence we're out to create good art. That doesn't mean it's not entertaining, it's just not our primary objective." Maybe they should abandon their pretensions and stick to what they're good at. At least in improvisation there's not enough time to think about making good art.

— Tim Sheridan

Government Cheesh

1994

Closing up the band room after teaching from 7:30am til 3:30pm and then having after school band until 5:00pm. One of my students, a drummer, helps put things away.

“What do you do after school, Mr. Hall?”

“Some nights I have shows with my theater company. Other nights I perform improv comedy with ComedySportz.”

“Ain’t you married?”

“I am.”

“Prolly not for long.”

✶

As one gets older it becomes more difficult to make friends. At least that’s been the case for me. In my experience, the friends whom I can say I’ve cemented a lifelong bond with have all come from making art together. Sure, many have come and gone in that theater immediacy of sort of falling in love with each other during the rehearsals and run of the show, the promises to keep in touch after the show closes, only to move on and be friendly acquaintances. Faceborg connections.

Chicago is one of those places in the world, like the bizarre tourist attractions that give power to Gaiman’s American Gods, that draws amazing artists to her embrace. I have met and worked with so many extraordinary humans within the gates of this town it boggles my mind to reflect upon the sheer number. Because art is a dramatic and contentious preoccupation, there are some whom the explosion of ideas and execution burned away from the raw electricity. The burning of those connections are always a bit sad but the celebration is of the creation.

One friendship that has remained intact and with the gravity of true family across my time in Chicago is that which I have with Joe Janes. He and I have been a part of so many artistic experiments — from the early days of Level 6 to the producing of his first full-length play to the spectacle of putting up all 365 sketches he wrote in a year — despite some dark patches and irreconcilable differences along our nearly thirty years, he is the closest thing to a brother I’ve ever had. I hope I can convince him to move to Vegas but even if I don’t I will always consider him the best of friends (not to mention one of the kindest humans I’ve ever run across from and the Spock to my Kirk.)

✶

1995

We held a yard sale. We sold bars of chocolate. I managed to snag us an Air Canada sponsorship for ridiculously cheap flights and booked a 17 room three-flat just minutes from the Fringe Central ticket center for around $50.00 per person for the month.

“The Armageddon Radio Hour” and ComedySportz. 26 shows in the month of the largest theater and arts festival in the world. While Chicago roasted that summer, the gang of WNEP Theater performed and saw more awesome, bizarre, experimental stagecraft than we could’ve imagined. We stole so many of those ideas and employed them back in Chicago it is no exaggeration to say that a month at the Edinburgh Fringe is better than a theater degree.

All Sandwiches Matter

1996

Joe Bill (of the Annoyance Theater) and I sit in the court room, waiting for my name to be called. We were there because a few months prior, in an act of guerrilla marketing, I instigated the fly posting of thousands of ‘teaser posters’ for the newest WNEP play and wasn’t smart enough to realize that once we put up the real posters, we’d get busted by the city.

For a few weeks in our little circle of artists and theatergoers, the question was “What the fuck is ‘Metaluna’?” Posters featuring the word and a photo of Sigmund Freud in a slip were plastered everywhere. I had multiple conversations about the mystery always with a smirk in my brain because we were in rehearsals for this ridiculous, massive show that made no sense spawned from the cracked mind of Joe Janes and directed by the equally off-balance Bob Wilson.

Five stages. Two constructed fat suits. Expanding arms. Muttonchops. A theremin. DADA poetry on vaudeville stages. Giant circus-like posters painted by Kevin Colby. It was the most ambitious show we had created to date and caught the eye of Jen Ellison, who after seeing the show, decided she wanted to be the artistic director of the company responsible.

The city fined us $20.00 but warned that they could’ve fined us $10,000. It was not the last time we would come into contention with Chicago but it was definitely the lightest sentence.

In Nonsense Is Strength

1997

Mr. Jose Barrias was the beginning of a trend.

Hired by Sharon Hayes to come in and teach music at District One Middle School, my predominant skill she prized was my tendency to bend both the rules and the expectations placed upon the role of music teacher.

My classroom had no desks or chairs. We had rugs and pillows. We didn’t spend any time learning to play plastic recorders. We listened to and discussed music and musicians and read from my college music history text. I had the HOT ROOM across the hall. I had a wall of gum that the students (not supposed to chew gum in school but did anyway) would add to every day.

In 1996, Sharon left. Barrias was hired. Jose did not appreciate my less than orthodox approach and, while he did his best to get me to follow a more traditional protocol, it didn’t take.

A year later, my teaching career was over. The trend was set — get hired to shake things up creatively, person who hires me leaves, bureaucrat comes in who wants a by-the-book approach, I stay a year longer than I should then split.

Did I Say Hot Room?

1998

“I think I want a divorce. We’ve been this for a while since college and I’m pretty sure you hate Chicago and I love it and we’re both kind of miserable.”

“That’s what my grandma said marriage was.”

“Seriously? I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.”

“What will you do?”

“I’ll probably get a bachelor apartment in a crummy neighborhood, jump right back into another relationship, get marginally suicidal but mom will talk me through it. The theater company will kind of blow up because I’ll spend too much time drinking because the idea of being divorced is a bit intense for me and I’ll be a total fuckwad. We’ll do some shows but I’ll be mailing it in for the most part. It’ll cause a huge rift between Joe and I but we’ll repair it a while later. How about you?”

“I’ll get the fuck out of Chicago, move back to Texas, get remarried, he’ll die a year later but then I’ll meet the man of my dreams, we’ll get married and have two children. Oh, and I’m keeping both the dog and the cat. You can see them on Facebook in ten years.”

1999

FOR WNEP, IT'S `APOCALYPSE' NOT YET

THE FOUR HORSEMEN ARE READY TO RIDE

It was always about Keith Whipple. Sure, we had a massive cast and spent more money on this ridiculous, ambitious monstrosity. Twenty-five working televisions, five VCRs connected, amazing costumes, and a dark satire on Christianity. Cathleen Carr, one of our producers, broke her pelvis during load-in. Joe Kaplan built a set that could actually withstand the apocalypse.

Whipple, however, stood out on Lincoln Avenue before every show improvising riffs on Revelations with a megaphone to an unsuspecting pedestrian audience before crashing the start of the play. He endured eggs thrown at him, physical threats, and the police called on him. And he never once flagged or complained.

✶

The wonderful cesspool that is Chicago holds a special place for the transplant. Sure, there are the diehard Chicago natives, stuck in their neighborhoods and allegiance to their high schools and local digs, but the transplant has this wide open space to navigate. Chicago has been a magical playground, like a hardcore Midwestern Disneyworld with different “lands” to go to and experiment within.

I was always the new kid in school because we moved around a lot. As much as anything else, it is this foundation upon which my many career moves were made while surfing across Lake Michigan’s shores.

Public school music teacher. Off Loop Theater Producer, Director, And Actor. Improvisational Comedian. Playwright. Improv Coach and Teacher. Venue Manager and Landlord. Retail Tobacconist. Massage School Facilities Manager. Public Radio Events Director. NPR House Manager. StorySlam Host. Digital Publisher and Writer. Independent Events Consultant & Producer. Front of House Manager of Millennium Park.

Only in Chicago could I bounce around so sporadically, learning from each experience and growing in my skills. Only in Chicago could I have that many shifts in vocation without adding “Unemployment” or McDonald’s to my resume.

✶

2000

She was both excited and incredulous.

“You signed a lease on a theater?”

“I did. It was about time we had our own clubhouse.”

“Can we afford it?”

“We have to. I mean, we don’t really have a choice now.”

“How much is in the company bank account right now?”

“$18.00.”

“…”

2001

I woke up late. Jen was in the front room. She was crying. I came in and she was staring at the TV. The footage was live and it was off a disaster of some sort in New York. As I sat next to her, neither of us spoke. We sat like that for almost an hour as the non-stop feed kept informing us of the attack.

Later that day, she and I went shopping for props for her one-woman show that was in tech rehearsals. We went to a vintage toy store on Broadway. The streets were mostly deserted.

Later, I started getting emails and phone calls from the cast and crew of “Lives of the Monster Dogs” and “Soiree DADA.” We were scheduled to open the Monster Dog play on September 12. We had a DADA show that night. What were we going to do? Should we cancel the DADA? Should we postpone the play?

Jen was of no help. So I decided. I sent out an email to everyone in the theater company. If people felt strongly enough that they couldn’t perform, that was fine but we would do the shows despite the attack. We would do what we do. We would entertain as best we could.

I’ll never forget Bob Wilson, in full DADA costume, reading the ending monologue from The Armageddon Radio Hour and sending chills throughout the room.

2002

I lived across the street from our theater which meant I was on call whenever any one of the thirteen shows per week was running

A random Friday night. A midnight show by a renting organization. I’m in the back, watching to make sure everything is copacetic. I notice a guy, solo, in the back row. He’s jerking himself off. No one else in the audience or onstage is the wiser.

“Yo. You get two choices, bub. Unclench your pud and quietly get the fuck out of my theater or continue to choke it as I drag your ass out of here by your hair. Choose now.”

Just a day in the life.

Nothing is Sacred. Not Even You

2003

I was upstairs when I got the call. The DoR was downstairs. They wanted to see our Public Place of Amusement license. “It’s on the wall. In the nice frame.” Three minutes later, the phone rang again. There was a problem. I threw on my pants and came downstairs.

The next morning, the Sun-Times ran a short story about the DoR sweep of six or seven small, Off Loop theaters that had been shut down due to licensing violations. We were among the list. Adding insult to injury, our theater was saddled with the only full paragraph and quote, saying that our license had been forged. I called to see what they were talking about. I called my landlords who didn’t return my calls. I called the League of Chicago Theaters and was told they couldn’t help us because it was reported that we — I — had forged the license.

Outside, there was a huge red sticker on our place — CEASE AND DESIST. We were being shuttered. I spoke to an attorney and was cautioned about what I might say to the press. “Don’t piss these people off. Play nice.” I was told. So when I was interviewed for the Reader, I played nice. When I was interviewed on WBEZ, I played nice. I’m not particularly good at playing nice, at watching what I say. And it made me seem guilty. The expectation of those around me was that I wouldn’t sit still for this. That, if I were in the right, I would tear off my shirt, march down to City Hall and raise bloody fucking hell. A natural born brawler, I tried to dance the political Foxtrot.

Three of my best friends — who had stood up with me at my wedding — became convinced that I had, indeed, forged the license. That, while they were performing shows, I was out in a back alley, selling forged documents to strangers using Photoshop and a color printer so kids could get into bars and underage girls could get abortions. They started working with the landlords to transfer the lease to a member of our Board who was ALSO a member of a theater company that had also been shut down.

My books were audited. Every dime, every receipt. It was concluded that everything was kosher — that there was no malfeasance. In fact, it was this audit that uncovered the fact that I had “donated” over $35,000 of my own money over three years to keep the place afloat. But, said my friends, I was pretty clever and could have figured out how to cook the books ahead of time. In the span of a month, I had gone from the guy who made sure the stage was painted and the lights worked to a criminal mastermind. It was like Kafka.

At a meeting of the majority of the 48 members and associates of the theater, I broke down in tears. I felt trapped and maligned. The tears were hot and angry and impotent. I was failing on an epic scale and could not find a way to make things right. The Three Groomsmen had successfully negotiated the transfer of the lease to the other theater behind my back; it was up to us whether or not we wanted to try to fight it out. We didn’t because I didn’t.

Getting Up the Eighth Time

2004

From the New York Times (top of fold on the cover of the Arts Section in the print version):

“John Huston's ''Let There Be Light'' (1946), a meticulously shot government-sponsored documentary that presented psychiatrists curing World War II veterans of mental ailments with such absurd quickness that many suspected it was rehearsed, now appears like more of a piece of propaganda for Freudian psychoanalysis than for the United States military.

Jen Ellison and Dave Stinton's adaptation of this fascinating movie, which was banned by the United States for over three decades, is one of the most curious shows in this year's fringe festival. It's a staged version of a documentary that may have been staged itself. Instead of commenting on or contextualizing the material, the creators of the play, which concentrates on four of the soldiers, play the material as straight as if it were a kitchen-sink drama. While the style can be stiff, the sensitive actors playing the soldiers -- Peter James Zielinski, Peter De Giglio, Chad Reinhart and James Yeater -- manage to tease emotional depth and nuance out of their thinly drawn parts.

Still, the show's optimism about the government's treatment of its veterans is jarring, especially when compared with more cynical recent moves like ''Born on the Fourth of July'' or ''The Manchurian Candidate.'' It's almost comic when Cpl. Joe Hardy (Mr. Reinhart) regains the feeling in his legs after a few moments of hypnosis.

Ms. Ellison and Mr. Stinson seem to acknowledge this anachronism in their one major departure from the film -- Mr. Zielinski's sensitive and beautifully realized portrayal of a depressed grunt who never recovers from an unspecified psychological sickness. He adds a dour tone to the drama, reminding us that the talking cure has its limitations.”

2005

One fall day, I substitute taught at a school in Humboldt Park. It is a neighborhood filled with culture and vibrancy but is one of those in Chicago left mostly out of the resources loop but I discovered that I am, as a teacher at least, at my absolute best when working in the classic "troubled inner-city school" filled with kids who America has chosen to leave behind.

I bopped around the school in the early morning, providing prep periods for fourth and sixth grade teachers - strictly high priced babysitting. Then I landed in Room 102. Seventh Grade Science. For the rest of the day.

Most teachers I know fear nothing more than seventh and eighth grade. The kids are just swimming in the chemical dump of their overloaded hormones and their emotions and bodies are careening at a breakneck pace without the experience to guide it away from the fourth turn wall. I love this age. They crack me up; every time I work with them I have new stories to tell and feel like I successfully navigated a rudderless boat through the most violent of storms and lived to tell about it. (Jesus - a NASCAR metaphor and a sailing metaphor in one paragraph - what you got to say to me now, motherfucker?)

The day was interesting. I had enough time during the day to talk to a couple of the teachers, all of whom looked tired and stretched a bit too thin and who spoke in the slow, hushed tones of the shellshocked. They told me of the gentrification on either side of the local neighborhood and the resulting dramatic rise in drug dealers and gangs in their school over the past few years. They quietly railed against the sense of entitlement their students were trained to have in an environment that dictates that teachers could not punish children in nearly any way whatsoever for increasingly violent behavior - the idea that flunking, suspending, or holding back a kid who has no perceived use for school in the first place is like fighting a wooly mammoth with a loaf of bread. While the kids were away, they would talk with a worn but slightly amused look on their faces which immediately hardened into a disgusted scowl as soon as any kid appeared.

Excerpts of my day include:

"I forgot to tell you," I gleefully stopped the class in the mid-riot of getting prepared to switch classes. "Look at this look on my face." I deadpanned. "It says 'I don't care.' You say you absolutely have. to go to the washroom or you'll die and you must have your friend with you? 'I don't care.' Your friend jabbed you in the eye and you can't see? 'I don't care.' Your teacher said that you sit in the corner with six others while 'doing your science' together? 'I don't care.'" "You say you need to KNOW something or are looking to LEARN something? Then I care."

"Mr. Hall, why are you so happy?" "Because teaching you guys is like a day at the zoo! And who doesn't like the zoo?"

"Pardon me. (a beat) Excuse me. (a beat) I need your attention! (a beat) I don't want to yell over you, folks. (a beat) Excuse me! (a beat) GOOD GOD - THE SKY! LOOK AT THE SKY!! OK, listen up really quickly -" "Mr. Hall - you're weird."

At one point, I run into Antoine. Antoine is a 15-year old, six-foot-three inch, drug dealer's son. He is a huge white kid who somewhere along the line decided he would mimic a stereotyped black kid. He is in the behavior disorder class and, according to his teachers, pretty much has the run of the school. He is what most teachers know to be a hopeless case - no pragmatic use for education, no respect for any adults except those that can pummel him, and the realization that nothing, absolutely nothing can be done to him until he's eighteen.

He came in during a class switch and was chatting up one of the girls. I had no idea he wasn't supposed to be there and was actually mystified that he simply would not shut up for me (I'm actually pretty good at that sort of thing). He literally acted as if I wasn't there. After ten minutes of attempting to explain the science lesson (Matter, Mass, Volume, and Density), he gets up and makes for the door. I intercept.

"Where are you going, Antoine?"

"This ain't my class."

"Then why have you been here for ten minutes?"

"Ah bumbbges digghuff chaetky mumblemumblemumble...."

"What?"

"Nothin. Get out my way."

"How about we wait for the security guard to swing by and take you to the class you're supposed to be in - I don't get a thrill at the prospect of you roaming the hall freely."

"What?" He tries to shove me out of the way of the door, getting right up in my face. "Don't you lay your hands on me!"

This is a trick. Antoine knows that this is the phrase that freezes the blood in most teachers' hearts. In a time where parents file lawsuits against teachers for failing grades, the stigma attached to a corporal punishment charge is career suicide.

"I didn't lay a hand on you, Antoine. In fact, it was you who laid your hands on me. We now have two choices." I get quiet enough for only Antoine to hear. "We can wait for the guard to come by and pick you up and escort you out of here so I can teach some seventh grade science. Or. I'm gonna beat the crap out of you and then have you arrested for assault. Make your choice."

His face reflects a number of conflicting emotions and finally he flashes a shit-eating grin and asks, "We cool. right?"

It turns out that the kids don't really care much for Antoine. They're afraid of him. The teachers are, too. I think it's a shame that things have come to this - it's only October. The atmosphere for the rest of the day slows down to a mere category 2 hurricane and the day breezes by.

✶

In thirty years, I’ve lived in a lot of the neighborhoods in the city. Again, in the laundry list version:

Edgewater Rogers Park Bridgeport Lakeview Avondale Northcenter Portage Park Bucktown Uptown Wicker Park

Every neighborhood has its own flavor and people and businesses. The cornucopia of experiences based entirely upon your immediate surroundings is extraordinary. All of it connected by the train (and busses if you go to where their are fewer rich, white people...)

The best part? Local businesses. My guess is that Vegas will be populated more with chain restaurants, bookstores, etc. It is the local dives and boutiques and coffee shops that make Chicago one of the most amazing places on Earth.

My Chicago is:

The Lincoln Restaurant Haymarket Pub & Brewery The Green Mill The Metro Chicago Comix The Athenaeum Old Town Tobacco Bang Bang Pies The Red Lion Victory Gardens Theater at The Biograph Quenchers The NeoFuturarium G Man Tavern Smoke BBQ The Chopin Theatre Pequod’s Pizza Easy Bar Uncharted Books The Music Box Theatre Empty Bottle Lem’s BBQ Dollop Coffee Black Dog Gelato

Sure there are more but I’m old and can’t remember everything. Calm down.

✶

2006

“Did you hear that Hall kicked Bernie Sahlins out of the Athenaeum lobby last night?”

“What? Why?”

“One of his Chicago Improv Festival stage managers pulled the lights on some Los Angeles group because they were going way over time and Sahlins lost it. Found Don and tried to dress him down in front of a crowd getting tickets. Hall stood by his stage manager and Bernie was not having that. Finally, he snapped an told him to get his old motherfucking ass out of the theater.”

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah, Pitts got heavy pressure from Second City so he had to fire Don.”

“He’s been with CIF for, what, five years?”

“Not any more.”

2007

“Can I ask you a question I’m not legally supposed to ask? You seem like you’d be alright with it but I want to check.”

“Shoot.”

“You’re twenty years older than every other applicant for this job. Why do you want it?”

I laugh. “First, I like Wait Wait...Don’t Tell Me!” Second, I like NPR and WBEZ. Third, if I do a great job house managing for peanuts, maybe you decide to offer me a full time gig.”

Four months later, he offered the full time gig.

2008

“Are you Jackie’s son? She’s right. You got fat.”

Betrayal in Tornado Alley

2009

Monday morning at WBEZ. Eighteen voicemails. Not so many until you understand that the outgoing message specifically instructs people to NOT leave voice messages and that these eighteen recordings were from the same person.

“Hello! My name is [REDACTED] and I’m here to see “Wait Wait...Don’t Tell Me!” I have a ticket and I’m at the Chase Bank but I can’t find the auditorium. Can someone call me back?” - “Hello. [REDACTED] again. I’m wandering around the bank and no one seems to know where the show is being taped. Please call me back. I don’t want to miss a minute!” - “I’m in my car right now and I can hear that you’ve started the show! Where am I supposed to go? There are no signs and nothing on the ticket page. Where are you?” - “Goddamn it! I can HEAR THE SHOW RIGHT NOW! LISTEN! Someone needs to call me right the fuck now or I’m going to lose it!”

This went on for an hour, all the way up to voicemail number seventeen which was apoplectic. Voicemail number eighteen was the next day, Sunday.

“Hello. This [REDACTED] and I am so sorry I left all of those messages. Oh my. I’m so embarrassed. My husband pointed out to me that the ticket to your show was for Thursday night, not Saturday morning. I’m so used to hearing it on Saturday, I thought... Well, you can guess what I thought. Please accept my apologies.”

I called her back and gave her tickets to the following Thursday. VIP. But only if I could tell the story.

2010

For part of 2008 and all of 2009, Jen worked with a team of nineteen writers on a project that involved them writing short one-act plays or scenes inspired by the artwork of Edward Hopper.

Following the divorce and her resignation from WNEP Theater, these writers came at me.

“Are we going to do anything with these pieces or was it all just wasted time?”

So I hunkered down, stitched together 24 scenes to create a ridiculously huge theater piece, cast 18 actors, 4 understudies, booked the Storefront Theater on Randolph Street, and hired a few brilliant designers

It was the last show I produced for WNEP. It was the last theater piece I directed for WNEP. Unbeknownst to me, included in the sold out run’s audience were Jen and her new husband, Lois Weisberg, the acting Chairs of the MCA, The Art Institute and the Driehaus Museum, and a woman who hadn’t been in Chicago for very long but heard about the show and came with a friend. This mystery woman also went to the play’s off-night series and reconnected with her college roommate, Scott Whitehair.

Four years later, I’d marry her in Las Vegas.

2011

“There’s no electricity in this warehouse.”

“What? It’s 4:30am. Why are you calling me?”

“The warehouse where I’m supposed to set up the movies, the spoken word, the B-Boy/B-Girl Dance Battles? I have no electricity and the door between spaces is welded shut.”

“The Block Party starts at noon. It’s 20 below zero. What are you going to do?”

“I suppose I’ll find an old breaker box that seems to still be connected to juice and try to hotwire it. I’ll electrocute myself the first time and my fingers will turn black from it. The second try will knock me unconscious for around seven minutes and make my mouth taste like pennies. The third time — because I’m both tenacious and stupid — will work. Though later tonight when I get home, my feet will be bizarrely bruised and look like dark purple beets with toes.”

“Oh. Good plan.”

“Breeze?”

“Yeah?”

“WBEZ doesn’t pay me enough.”

2012

“Your story was amazing. We loved it. We wanted to know if you were interested in hosting the story slam at Haymarket?”

“Hosting? Why not have Tyler do it?”

“He’s the producer. We love him but he’s not really host material.”

“Yeah. OK. Sounds good.”

The back room at the Haymarket Pub & Brewery is packed to the point that people are sitting on the floor. Tyler introduces me with platitudes about being the House Manager for WWDTM — it’s a touchpoint the largely NPR crowd can cheer.

“According to the legend, The American feud begin over notches on the ears of a hog Exchanges of retribution from this humiliating start Gaining traction to equal the obsession of two warring families

The thirst for vengeance, once fomented Is unquenchable, irresistible, all-consuming The Klingons say revenge is a dish best served cold But most of the meal involves the heat of righteous anger.

Someone became stridently political Someone else cheated with your boyfriend Yet another spread rumors about you There is no end to the razor-sharp slights you have endured. Time slipping through your fingers, wasted on rage That thing that got the revenge ball rolling Lost in a cacophony of calls for justice and "It's not right"

Revealed to be, in the end, nothing more than notches on a hog's ear.

Tonight’s theme is GRUDGE. Welcome to The Moth!

Like a Burning Moth Without a Clue as to How He Caught on Fire: A Collection of Word Jazz

Of The Seven, Americans Suffer Sloth More Than the Other Six

✶

The act of reflection upon a thirty year period forces perspective. In writing this, one of the choices to make has been to determine which moments are worth hanging onto and which ones are better left erased. Sure, these erased moments are still visible but like a heavily used white board, the remnants of the words are almost scrubbed off, slightly visible but unimportant.

The odd, highly passionate fights that occurred are not limited to one or two years but peppered throughout like scars that look like faces if you squint. The betrayals are lower in volume, a tune you remember from way back when but can’t quite recall the lyrics. The specifics and details behind divorces and other failed relationships might be juicy in that Buzzfeed sort of view but aren’t truly relevant.

I scaled a mountain and, during the journey, broke few bones, got hypothermia, and lost some of my equipment but no one wants to hear the tale of those things but rather the feeling of epic transformation that such a path includes. I’ll not use my platform for therapy, gang.

I know people who tend to stare back into the rear view mirror and wax nostalgic as if the best times (or worst) are behind them. I am not one of those people. What’s past informs the navigation but does not determine the destination. I have very few regrets and I think that’s the best way to live.

✶

2013

“You were involved with the Global Activism Expo?”

“Yeah. I produced it.”

“The 5K Fun Run with Peter Sagal?”

“Produced it.”

“The Chicago Chef Battle at Kendall College? The WBEZ Day of Service? The Winter Block Party for Chicago’s Hip Hop Arts? The Year in Review at Park West? The Sound Opinions Summer BBQ?”

“Produced them all.”

“Did you have a favorite?”

“Oh yeah. The Richard Steele Holiday Party at House of Blues with featured performers Billy Bragg and the Sons of the Blues. That was seriously one of the highlights of the year.”

2014

“Hey. How about you shut the fuck up?”

Three dates later.

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes.”

How to Jump Out of a Plane and Survive

2015

Along the road, there was General Admission. It was a WBEZ podcast co-hosted by my Events Assistant and myself. We interviewed local artists as well as a handful of national talents (including Kate Mulgrew, Steven Yuen, Taylor Mac, and, of course, Henry Rollins.) A true highlight of 2015 was getting to sit down with a personal hero of mine, Chuck Palahniuk, and ask him questions. The interviews for these are long since deleted but the memories remain.

Half a Century

2016

A meeting at the bar below my apartment. Commiseration over the online trolling I’d endured from unfriending a psychopath and her army of aggrieved idiots. A pitch — how about an online magazine? Something cool and interesting and featuring all kinds off writing? Something that Himmel could sink his own Angry White Guy voice into like a fetid beef sandwich with so much mustard it covered up the gristle and the rot?

“Well, I’ve recently updated my 10-year blog (Angry White Guy in Chicago) to something less Trump-centric sounding. I’m calling it Literate Ape. Whaddya think?”

“Sounds perfect.”

2017

“In the nearly five years I've hosted The Moth (58 regular slams, 8 Grand slams and nearly 700 stories in that time) I've had a real ball.

I started every single slam with the admonition that while we are each snowflakes, unique in every way with our individual crystalline natures, we are all just made of fucking snow. With the onslaught of identity politics and partisan bickering, I hope that is something people remember.

I closed every single slam with a quote: "If you want to change the world, have a meal with someone who doesn't look like you." - Chef Coco Winbush.”

Farewell to The Moth

”In parting ways, I can say that my decade working for WBEZ, Vocalo, and especially NPR's Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! was thrilling, challenging, inspiring and worth every moment. I got to watch Obama's first speech as president on multiple televisions in a bona fide newsroom. I got to meet Michael Moore, Denis Leary, speak to Bill Clinton and hang out with Tom Hanks. I produced events for as many as 5,000 people (as well as had a hand in producing a record-breaking performance of WWDTM at Millennium Park for 17,000 people). I produced events at the House of Blues, Victory Gardens, Adler Planetarium, Metro Chicago, City Winery, Chicago History Museum, Chopin Theater and hundreds of other excellent venues.

I was there to assist in orchestrating the 10th Anniversary of WWDTM at Adler Planetarium. I was there for Carl Kassell's final show in D.C. I directed Ira Glass, Scott Simon and Peter Sagal in a gala performance. I have been privileged to work with Bill Kurtis. I got to throw Richard Steele and Claude Cunningham their retirement parties. Winter Block Parties with YCA, New Year's Eve Parties with The Moth, Pi Day, the brilliant town hall meetings for the Race Out Loud series. Jim and Greg of Sound Opinionswith Frankie Knuckles on the MCA stage. Drive-In movies in West Chicago. 5K Runs with Peter Sagal. Running front of house for WWDTM with Kate Kinser by my side almost every single night. Laughing and planning things with the amazing Vanessa Harris.

The list of amazing experiences and incredible people is a bit mind-boggling in hindsight. And Good Christ, the Pledge Drives..“

Farewell to the Public Radio Mines

2018

“In the park, there is only one we, the collective patronage of the thousands of multicultural Homo sapiens gathered to hear an orchestra or a jazz ensemble or the blues or a rock band. It is a larger and more lovely we and, therefore, a stronger foundation from which to find solutions to the seemingly insurmountable obstacles to society.”

All the World’s a Stage and Identity is Just Another Costume

“"Tiffany to Don."

The terrible analogue radio crackles in my left ear.

"This is Don. Go."

I'm on the southwest end of the park. It's hot. Really hot. Hot enough that one begins to question the sanity of standing out here, wearing all black, amidst 11,000 people listening to a world-class orchestra play Tchaikovsky. Tiffany is one of my 50 ushers. She has encountered an older couple who came out to the park to hear the music yet hadn't really thought through the difficulties of being post-70 years of age in heat that can only be described as Global Warming Hot as Balls HOT. The gentlemen is so overheated that he can no longer walk. They need a wheelchair.

"Copy that. I'm on my way."

I walk quickly to the Welcome Center on Randolph, check out a wheelchair, then navigate the unwieldy thing through throngs of casual walkers around to the east side of the the stage. It takes me around eight minutes and I'm sweating like I'd been in the volcano room at King Spa. The old man sits in the chair after navigating the fear of just falling on his ass while sitting down. They need to go to their car in the parking garage.

Tiffany shrugs. "I don't drive. I don't know the parking garage."

"I got it," I say with a forced smile.

I wheel the man and his wife through the bowels of the building. We get to the elevator and they can't quite remember what floor they parked on. They left their ticket in the car. We sit for a moment, as the garage is huge and the prospect of finding their vehicle with no concept of even what floor (of the seven levels) it is on is an impossible task.

"It's on three." "How sure are you?" "I'm pretty sure it's on three."

We go to three. No idea what section (3A? 3B? 3C? Jesus Christ…) they give me a description of the car and a license plate number and we set out through each aisle, each row, looking for the car. Thirty-five minutes later — with frequent radio calls for assistance that I direct while seeking an end to the labyrinthian journey I'm on — I spy their ride. They are relieved and thrilled. So am I.

The wife wants to tip me and offers me a dollar. I politely decline and send them on their way. I return just as the concert ends and just in time to set up the two recycling bins in the arcade for the ushers to dispose of the now outdated programs leftover from the weekend.”

Managing a House for 50,000 People

2019

Seven weeks. 2019 in Chicago has been spent doing side gigs, hanging out with people who have meant something to me in the past thirty years, and driving to old neighborhoods and reflecting upon the time here.

My last night in Chicago is spent on the Haymarket Pub & Brewery stage doing BUGHOUSE! And drinking myself stupid on Mathias Ale.

✶

And that, as they say, is that.

If you made it all the way down to this sentence and clicked enough half of the links, I applaud you. Writing this freaking tome took me most of the final seven weeks and occupied more of my brain space than most things I can recall. I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life in Chicago, a feat that I could never have predicted in 1989.

Chicago has shaped me, taking the doughy calzone that crashed upon the shores of Lake Michigan and baking me until I was a golden brown with tons of gooey melted cheese and some questionable meat product. While not born here, I can and do call myself a native. A Chicagoan.

Certainly, I won’t miss the weather — I’m quite certain there is no such thing as dibs or a viable need for shoveling and salting your walk in Las Vegas. There will be things I will be happy to shed my daily grind of: the incredibly high cost of living, the taxes, the corrupt government, the fucking parking issues, the baked-in tribal mentality of neighborhood cultures, the extreme segregation, the crap school system. Dana and I are riding the crest of a wave of deserters as Chicago continues to bleed residents like she goes through restaurants.

I will, however, miss the grit of the people. I’ll miss the almost blissfully ignorant pride in the city. I’ll miss the transit system that binds us together like arteries and the theater and spoken word scene that blossoms even under the auspices of the interminable social justice rage profiteers. I’ll miss my friends especially those who have stood by through good times and harsh times and, while always challenging me, never gave up on me either. Just like the city.

There is so much I did not include in this Dear John letter it’s hard to fathom but that’s the nature of something like this. Plenty left out but always stuck to me.

Just like the city.

#thirty years #Farewell to Chicago #memories

0 notes