#youre the only reason im still alive and i will hurt you irreparably to make sure you live. what the fuck. dustfinger says this

[lostandbackagain]

sorry im so chronically paranoid and blinded by grief and the concussion I gave myself that im willing to betray you and leave you behind even though we've never willingly faced life without each other and to you trust=love but here I am lying straight to your goddamn face because i think it's the only way to save you and that it's too late to save me. do you still love me

[fairycosmos]

i just spent 2 hours trying to hang myelf and when that didn't work trying to strangle myself with a cord. i tried so hard. my face is full of broken blood vessels, my eyes too and my neck feels tight and is bruised and i cant swallow. im in such pain. physical and emotional. why is it so hard. i want to die. im so alone. i hurt so much. even killing yourself is a luxury i have no access to pills or drugs. i want to die it hurts so much my neck hurts everything i want to die

hey, jesus dude i’m really really sorry. obviously you’re in a lot of pain right now and i don’t want to condescend to you when i don’t know your specific needs or history. you may not be in the headspace to be able to take any of this seriously and if that’s the case i understand, but i hope you can come back to it when you are ready. i just want to let you know firstly that i’m so so glad you’re still here and that you are absolutely not alone. can’t imagine what has gotten you to this point and i don’t blame you for being tired because whatever it is, i can see that it is all so very difficult in the most unexplainable way, and i don’t want to minimize that at all. but the fact that you’re alive and surviving this moment, no matter how much you don’t want to, counts for so so much. your future self knows it too. please for now, just get yourself to a safe and familiar location and work on trying to come down from the adrenaline rush. breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4. name 5 things you can see, 4 you can physically feel, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. understand that these little habits are not cures to your situation obviously, i’m not saying a few deep breaths is going to fix anything. there is clearly a much larger issue at play here, it’s just a matter of grounding yourself in this moment so you can find some clarity. mental illness only functions to warp your entire reality and level of judgement, you can not trust your brain or your beliefs about yourself/the world right now. i know it hurts and it feels like the realest thing in the universe. but these impulses are so strong that they’re generally not built to last - you CAN move forward from this and you CAN find a healthier way to do it. no matter what your mind is telling you. if you have ever felt like this before and gotten through it, then that is proof of this.

are you so injured that you need to call an ambulance or go to the ER? are you struggling to breathe, having chest pain or coughing up blood? if so, please call them right now. please. if not, is there anyone less immediate that you can call? i’m talking a suicide hotline, a friend, a family member, your doctor, your therapist if you have one, literally anyone. your brain is likely going to reject this idea but it’s one of the most effective ways of stopping this suicidal cycle that you’re currently stuck in. people care about you, they do, and it’s important to give them the opportunity to show that. you need outside intervention to mediate the situation, and it is perfectly ok to need that support. it is truly completely understandable and it is not going to be anywhere near as bad or as scary as your fear is building it up to be. please consider reaching out to someone my love. i’m not just saying this just to say it, your life has so much inherent worth and your current circumstances are not where you’re destined to stay. i understand that it’s tiring and sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it hanging on day after day, just for some vague notion of improvement occurring in some far off future. but even on a day to day basis there are small things work sticking around for. even in the midst of absolute agony. please try to consciously explore these reasons for living, even if all you want to do is lean into your reasons for dying. it can be something as simple as eating your favourite food again. no, it doesn’t compare to the amount of pain you’re in, but it is a good reminder that the pain isn’t all there is. please just focus on getting through the next hour and doing whatever it takes to achieve that, rather than trying to figure anything out. it’s alright to be all over the place, to be exhausted, it is not alright to harm yourself because of it. even if it takes you forever to learn that distinction, the whole point is to try. that is more than good enough. you are so strong and capable and good. you are supposed to be here and things would be irreparably different without you even if you genuinely can’t see that. you deserve to move forwards, you deserve to have a strong and healthy support system, you deserve to get to a place that feels less chaotic and more peaceful. i believe in you and i honestly think you can do it. speaking and working with the right professional over an extended period of time honestly gives you the tools to learn to manage these feelings and emotions in a way that stops them snowballing and getting to this point. being listened to, acknowledge and formulating a plan can make all the difference. as with any physical illness, treatment is necessary in order to heal but it is not some far off impossible thing to seek. it can be done, even just through a mental health organization in your area or by talking to a friend about what’s going on at first. any step in the right direction is something to be proud of. and sometimes that just looks like laying in bed surviving the day. i appreciate you sharing this w me and i know this must’ve been one of the worst days of your life, i really am so sorry. please, please consider calling or texting someone and getting some rest when you can. my inbox is open if you need a friend, i’m sending you so much love. please take care. x 

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/50/suicide-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts

[the-toppat-king]

Chapter Six: Friends in Cold Places

Dr. Vinschpinsilstien stared blankly for a moment at what she'd caught in her net.

"Once." She sighed, kneeling by the net and cutting it open so she could pull out the motionless body. "Just once, would like to catch only fish."

Being so close to The Wall, catching a corpse or two wasn't uncommon. They had the bad habit of just dumping their bodies and trash into the ocean, making it harder for the scientist to catch only her next meal, which was the entire reason she'd decided she should move away from that area of the cliff.

This, however, she noted as she pressed two fingers to the body's neck, was not a corpse. He was still breathing, just barely, and she could feel a weak pulse beneath her fingers. Corpses didn't have pulses, and they certainly didn't breathe.

She glanced to the top hat and gold chain alongside him, somehow not lost to the ocean. It'd gotten tangled in the net with him and told her all she needed to know: Toppat. The leader, in fact, by the look of it. She'd heard that Reginald had handed over leadership in return for mercy, however, she didn't think it'd be someone she recognized.

"Never thought I'd see the day you returned to the Toppat Clan, Suave." Dr. Vinschpinsilstien stood up, lifting the Toppat in her arms. "Last I heard you ran after your father died, what happened to you?"

The only response was a moan of pain, but he didn't wake up as she carried him inside and laid him on a bed. His left arm was obviously and likely irreparably broken, twisted at more than one odd angle. Even then she could see frostbite was already setting in and likely was going to take it if she didn't. She began examination, experimentally testing reflexes and rolling him over to check his injured back.

She didn't need an x-ray to know his spine had been broken in more than one place, likely from the bullet hole she found as well as the fact it looked like he'd fallen into the sharp, jagged rocks that lined the cliffs. If he had any hope of recovery, or even survival at this rate, it'd need to be completely removed and replaced.

She suddenly stopped.

Why was she even considering any of this? She had told herself she would never help the Toppats again after she left. She had already refused to assist them once, when they called asking her to come save Right, and she really didn't want to give them the satisfaction of giving in at any point. Hell, she only knew Henry because he was Terrence's son and with how much trouble he'd gotten into, even as a child, it was hard not to know him.

She could, and honestly should, just toss him back in the water. He was already half-dead, and she owed him and the Toppats nothing.

Her fingers nervously tapped the table at that thought. She could do it, yes, but would she? Hell no. It felt...cruel to leave him to drown or freeze to death. It wasn't her place to decide who got to die based on her emotions. Did she hate the Toppat Clan? Yes. But was it right to leave someone to die because of her own experiences with them? Certainly not!

Briefly she wondered why he was even in the water. Was it a denouncement ceremony? It didn't look that way, if she was honest. The gold chain and his hat would have been taken if it was, but no one seemed to be looking for him.

Then again if he fell into the rocks, why would they? She wondered briefly, looking at him. He was obviously quite weak, struggling to even take a single, faint breath. It was nothing short of a miracle that he was still alive at this point. She knew his lungs had to have water in them, which on its own could be fatal. They probably assumed him to be dead.

She briefly wondered how Right and Reginald were holding up. She knew they loved Henry as their own son, losing him all those years ago, getting him back and then immediately losing him again must be tearing them apart. She didn't really want to, but she could imagine the heart-wrenching scream of Reginald, and the blank but grief-filled stare of Right as they had lost him for a second time.

Her hand balled into a fist.

She was so weak.

Finally she made a decision. She'd stabilize him for now, then call Reginald and Right to come get him. Maybe she'd perform the surgery to replace his arm and spine, if they paid her for it.

Time to get to work. She sighed.

Stabilizing Henry had been harder than Dr. Vinschpinsilstien thought it would be.

Even unconscious and injured as he was, he had fought like hell when she put a tube down his throat to drain the water from his lungs. It had been pitiful, honestly. Dr. Vinschpinsilstien certainly didn't pride herself on her bedside manner, but she couldn't help but gently try to reassure him that it was alright, and it would be over soon.

Sighing heavily, she sat in her chair before sending a call through to the Toppat Clan's airship division. Straightening up, she took a deep breath as the call was accepted, and Right responded.

"What? We're a little busy at-"

"Hello, Right."

"Ah, Doctor. 'Ave you reconsidered our offer to rejoin the Toppats?" He asked. She could almost hear the strained smile in his voice, and she quickly strangled the feeling of pity. She'd let herself feel sympathy for her patient, but the Toppat Clan would get no pity from her.

"Oh I'll join you alright, I'll join you in hell." She replied, teeth clenched. "But that's not why I'm calling. It seems you lost your leader."

There was silence for a moment.

"Did you...find the body?" He finally asked quietly.

"Oh I found a body, just not a dead one." She replied. "From here, you have three choices. I've stabilized him for now, you can come get him and deal with his injuries yourself, or you can commission me to perform surgery. If you do neither, I can always hand him over to the government."

"W'at kind of surgery?" Right asked a bit skeptically.

"His arm is broken in a few places and he's suffering from frostbite." She replied. "His spine is also broken in multiple places. Both will need completely replaced, likely along with his heart, as he's too frail to perform surgery on while still alive."

There was silence again, and she heard him take a trembling breath. "W'at do you want in return for saving 'im?"

"I won't ask for much this time." She replied. "I want appropriate compensation, for one. I'll go with the low end of one hundred, fifty thousand for both the spine and arm, and my time. These augmentations are not cheap to make or install. And I would rather like the dinner I lost from catching him in my net to be replaced."

"T'at's all?"

"That's all." She confirmed. "I suggest you make a decision quickly. Henry is very frail, I cannot hold him for long."

"Done, we'll bring the payment as soon as we can." He took a breath. "...may we see 'im?"

"If you wish. But you need to find your own way here." She didn't particularly want either of them on her boat, but there was no way she could safely move Henry to the airship, and she wasn't sure if she'd even be able to revive him. Replacing his entire spine was experimental, even by her standards.

If she failed, this may very well be the last time they see their son alive. Who was she to deny them of that?

Dr. Vinschpinsilstien sighed, crossing her arms as she stared up at the airship.

Honestly she wasn't sure what she was expecting when Right asked if he and Reginald could see Henry. I suppose arriving in the airship and dropping down is better than trying to pick up the boat and bring it inside the airship. She thought, a little bitterly, as she watched Reginald, Right and a few others climb down a rope ladder. She raised an eyebrow upon noticing one of them was a government pilot. "Toppats working with the government? Is the world ending?"

"It's only temporary." Right grumbled. "We don't particularly want 'im 'ere."

The other person, a woman with fiery red hair, glared at him. "I did. We both owe Henry. You admitted he might not survive this, we needed a chance to thank him, even if he's not awake."

"I'm sorry," Dr. Vinschpinsilstien sighed. "Who are you two?"

"Charles Calvin and Ellie Rose." The pilot replied. "General Galeforce sent me on a mission to retrieve files so we can shut down the Wall. He thought that since the Toppat Clan were lying low we could at least take them out and lighten our workload. Ellie was a prisoner, she came with us."

"Henry broke us out." Ellie nodded. "We just...need to see him, just once."

It took a few moments for what she just said to sink in. "He...broke you out of the Wall?" She asked slowly.

Both nodded.

"I'm going to want that story later." She turned away. "Come with me, I'll take you to my workroom, that's where I'm keeping him."

Leading them to the small room, Dr. Vinschpinsilstien blinked in surprise seeing that he was actually awake now. Immediately Reginald pushed past her, running to his son's side. "Henry!"

"Reg...inald...?" Henry breathed, meeting his eyes.

“I’m right here.” Reginald squeezed Henry’s hand. “I-I’m right here. I...I’m not going to leave you.”

"E...everything...hurts..." He squeezed back weakly, blinking as Right came up next to him. "Right...I..."

"You don't 'ave to say anything."

Henry shook his head. "I...I'm...sorry. I...hurt you. I..."

"I know." Right replied, voice uncharacteristically quiet. "It's alright, I'm not angry."

"Henry." Reginald's voice broke. "Please, hold on a while longer. The doctor is doing to fix you, I promise. You'll...you'll be alright."

“...promise…?”

"I...I promise."

Dr. Vinschpinsilstien's breath caught in her throat as she got a good look at Henry's face. His eyes were half-closed, dull with hopelessness and clouded with pain. He was struggling to stay awake, to even stay conscious.

Charles tapped her shoulder. "Doctor...is he going to survive this?"

She shook her head. "No, but I need to completely replace his spine, and I can't do it while he's alive, anyway."

"But you can bring him back?"

She nodded.

"...'m tired." Henry murmured.

Reginald covered his mouth to hide a sob. "I...I know, Hen."

“...it’s so cold...so dark…” He breathed. “D...Dad...I...I don’t...I don't want to die...not like this...”

That was all it took for Reginald to break down into sobs, hunching over his son. Right held him tighter, reaching to join his husband in holding Henry's hand. “You’re not going to die!" Reginald finally choked out. "I’m not going to let you die, I refuse to let you go like this!”

There was no response.

"...'Enry...?" Right asked, eyes clouding with grief.

Silence. Henry's eyes stared sightlessly up at the ceiling, no breath leaving his lips.

Reginald screamed. "HENRY!"

"That's your cue to leave." Dr. Vinschpinsilstien cut in, pulling Reginald away. "Go wait outside so I can work."

"T'ank you, Doctor." Right spoke up, leading his husband out. "I trust you with the rest."

______________________________

It'd been a few hours since Dr. Vinschpinsilstien had begun surgery.

Right sat against a wall, Reginald sleeping against his chest. He'd only left once to help her remove Henry's left arm, but he hadn't lingered long.

Seeing Henry hooked up to life support, so unnaturally still and pale, was too much, even for him.

(He'd briefly wondered where she'd gotten a ventilator, but it was keeping oxygen flowing to his brain and preventing brain death so he wouldn't complain.)

Right glanced over at Charles and Ellie, the two in a corner leaning against each other. They, too, had fallen asleep, it'd been an exhausting day for them and he didn't blame them for wanting some rest. He himself only remained awake so he could recieve the news as soon as Dr. Vinschpinsilstien was finished.

Suddenly there was the sound of someone clearing their throat. Right looked up, seeing the good doctor peeling off her gloves.

"'Ow is 'e?"

"Alive. But he's very weak." She replied with a frown. "I hope you know it is unwise for him to return to the Toppat Clan."

Right stared at her blankly a moment. "I...I'm sorry, w'at?"

"It is unwise for him to return to the Clan." She repeated. "Right, Henry's augmentations are not nearly as stable as your own. I've managed to connect his heart replacement to his spine in a way that his brain thinks it's his heart, so he won't have any problems with that, but the second that spine is damaged his body will begin to shut down again."

"So? No one cares if 'Enry has to be more careful. But you left, so I wouldn't expect you to understand our familial bonds."

"Do you really believe that? You have over a thousand members, what will happen if a small group, or even a single person, decides Henry is weak and unfit to lead? Do you want Henry to live past the age of thirty-five?"

"Of course!" Right forced his voice to stay steady so he didn't wake the others, despite the rage bubbling in him. The nerve of this woman!

"Then let him go. He has a chance to get out of this life, you have to let him take it."

Right fell silent, glancing down at Reginald. "...we can't say goodbye again. Not after all of this."

"Who says you have to say goodbye?" She knelt down. "Just give him a chance to leave, if you think he'd never speak to you again you're dead wrong."

"...can we just see 'im?"

The doctor sighed. "Go ahead. He's asleep for now, but I suspect he'll be complaining if he wakes up and none of you have visited."

It took a few minutes for Right to wake Reginald up, but soon enough they stood before their sleeping son.

His left arm was completely gone, even the shoulder was missing, replaced by smooth metal. There were patches down his side for easy connecting a disconnecting, and a blue light glowed on his chest, becoming brighter with each inhale before dulling slightly upon exhale.

She'd explained his spine was exposed, since there was just no way for her to get skin over the metal without it shredding like paper if it ended up strained. Just another reason for Henry to leave the Toppat Clan, permanently this time.

Reginald will not like that. Right noted, staying quiet as he sat down by Henry. Reginald squeezed his hand, giving him an exhausted smile.

Right couldn't help but smile back.

At that moment, it felt like everything was going to be just fine.

[yurimura]

No Better (Cisco x Reader)

Request: yo heyyyyy hi there. (oh my god what is my problem ok sorry) could i request a cisco x reader based on the song 2 evils by Bastille? and could you make up meta powers for the reader? ;) (cause i'm not creative LOL) TYSM >> also i'm so sorry if you are thinking what am i on. i am on my bed. OKAY IM SORRY IM DONE NOW

A/N: Wow I haven’t written in a while. I started this a while ago but I was struggling with it. I’m not 100% happy with this, but then again songfics aren’t really my specialty. That being said, I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I graduated from high school recently, so I should have more free time now? I  have a few ideas and new characters I’m in love with. Sorry @ the anon who requested this, it’s really late ^^;

Word Count: 1,682 words

I’m the lesser of two evils Or am I, am I tricking myself nice?

He hurt you. He hurt you. Killed you. If it weren’t for the particle accelerator exploding, you would be dead in a basement, another body that fell at his hands. It didn’t matter that you cheated death, that you crawled out of that basement alive. What he did to you, it hurt you like no one had hurt you before.

They say that in the face of death, your fight or flight response triggers. Well, your body chose flight, and his chose fight. Not that he was in any danger to begin with, but the particle accelerator was a cruel mistress.

It saved you, but it also strengthened him.

They called you the Grim Reaper. Actually that was what Cisco called you, due to the fact that your body would turn into smoke and in the beginning you hurt a lot of people. Despite that, he helped you when you accidentally dropped outside his window. He knew who you were, but he still helped you see that you were more than just your hurt, and you could still be good.

It took a lot of convincing at STAR Labs to take you in, but Cisco vouched for you like no one ever had before.

“Cisco, we can’t just overlook what she’s done-“

“Cait, she’s hurt, confused. Rage makes us do a lot of things,” Cisco pleaded with the team. You stayed quiet, not looking at any of them in the eye. You couldn’t bear to face what you’ve done, you couldn’t look these people in the eye.

“Cisco, maybe I deserve to be locked up,” you muttered, “I did hurt a lot of people.”

“No, _____, people do dumb stuff when they’re hurt, you don’t deserve to get locked in a cell when you were just scared and confused. We can help you, we can help you catch the guy that really deserves to be locked up,” Cisco took your hands in his and gave you hope. No one’s hands had ever felt kinder than his in that moment. He had faith in you when no one else did, and that made your heart want to burst.

If only you could live up to his expectations.

——

You found him.

It had been months since Team Flash took you in, since they had made the calculated decision to trust you. They helped you control your powers, and they helped you see what it was like to be nice again. In those months Cisco had not left your side, and it was safe to say that the relationship the two of you had was going in a direction that was more than “just friends”.

Too bad he had to show his ugly head again. You would have liked to see how you and Cisco would mesh.

“Well, well, well, looks like the little bitch is still alive,” he sneered, finally showing himself after weeks of hiding.

You tried opening your mouth to respond with a snappy retort, but when you did you found that your mouth was dry. Your hands pulled down your hood and you saw it, you were shaking. After all this time, he still had this effect on you.

“What’s the matter, little girl?” He laughed and you flinched, “still afraid are you? My, and I saw the chaos you wrecked after I left you in that basement. You’ve been domesticated, no? Made into a hero by “Team Flash”,” the way he mockingly threw around the name of the people that took you in made your blood boil, “little girl, you’re just as bad as me.”

Oh I'm the lesser of two evils So keep looking Just keep looking into my eyes And as the lesser of two evils it pays to, pays to be the nice guy sometimes

“Don’t say that,” you spat, “I am nothing, nothing, like you.”

“Oh we’re more alike than you think, _____,” his grin sent a shiver up your spine, “I’m sure you’ll finally realize that once I rinse your hands of the burden that is Team Flash.”

That was it, you were ready to lunge at him, you almost did until a voice, his voice, stopped you dead in your tracks.

“_____, don’t,” it was Cisco. Of course it was Cisco, he followed you here in his Vibe suit, “you’re better than this.”

It was like he knew. Like somehow, even without touching you, Cisco could feel your determination seeping out of your body. Last time it was flight, this time it’s fight. And you weren’t allowing him to walk out of it alive.

“Cisco, you don’t understand,” you started, “I have to. It’s never going to stop hurting until I kill him.”

“Oh that’s sweet, little girl,” the man in front of you interjected, “but you couldn’t even land a finger on me.”

“Dude, no offense, shut up. _____, you don’t have to face him, Barry can-“ it was nice to see that Cisco would still be Cisco in even the tensest of moments, but you didn’t want to hear his reasoning.

“I’m sorry, Cisco. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the great hero you wanted me to be, but this is all I was after. He was all I was after, and he’s here, in front of me, and you’re telling me to just walk away?” You shook your head, “I can’t do that.”

There are two ways to skin tonight Let’s see whose road gets there faster This is a game, no wrongs, no right Only a winner and a loser You and I, oh you and I We’re not that different, you and I

You turned your attention back to the man who  hurt you, you were determined to end things here and now. But before you could even make the first move, a powerful blast hit you from behind, and you saw a flash of red take the man away.

Before you slipped into unconsciousness you could hear Cisco apologizing.

“I’m sorry, _____.”

——

When you woke up, you were locked up in the Pipeline. It hurt, being on the other side of the door. Yes, Cisco had gotten you pretty good and you were definitely still sore from the blast, but what hurt more was staring up at the faces of the people you had once called a team.

You had lost that right the moment you stepped into that alley.

“_____-” Caitlin started, but you cut her off immediately.

“Don’t, Cait, I-I don’t deserve your sympathy,” you shook your head an leaned back against the wall, “so, why am I not locked up in meta-human prison? I should be in there, right? I hurt a lot of people, didn’t I?” You rushed the doors of the cell, you knew your metahuman powers couldn’t break through the glass—you’ve seen others try— but you still wanted to vent your frustration, “I’m no better than him. In fact, I’m worse,” you say as you sunk back to the floor.

“_____, don’t say that!” A voice you had grown to love suddenly snapped.

“Cisco…” you muttered, not daring to look him in the eye, “just admit it. I can’t be the superhero you want me to be. You should have locked me up sooner.”

“No, _____, I refuse to believe that. I’ve talked with you, I’ve watched you work, you and that guy are like night and day,” Cisco was now pressed up against the door, you could feel him begging you to look at him, it didn’t take vibe powers to know that, “you-you’re just hurt, he hurt you and you need time to heal—“

“Cisco!” You shouted suddenly, “I’m not like Barry, okay? I’m never gonna be the save the day, make sure everyone lives type of gal… I fully intended to kill him, and I would have too. I’m evil, I’m disgraceful… I’m irreparable.”

You lowered your head in defeat, half expecting the team to give up on you. You had given up on yourself. You wanted to be the perfect, lawful hero Cisco thought you could be. The hero the team thought you could be. Barry had a no-kill rule, Barry could turn a known criminal soft, Barry was the Flash, hero of Central City. You wanted to be like that, you were even humoring a hero name before that guy showed his ugly face again. Now, instead of a hero, you were in a cell, dropped to the floor in defeat.

The sound of the cell doors opening shook you out of your little self-pity party and you looked up to see Cisco standing over you. Before you could say anything, he was looking you straight in the eye and had your hands tightly gripped in his.

“Then I’ll help you,” he said with complete confidence, “we can do a little superhero rehab, a little support until my-our! Our _____ is feeling better, right Barry?” The speedster gave a genuine nod, but you didn’t notice because you were too hung up on Cisco’s little slip up. My, he said. It made your heart flutter, if only for a moment.

“Cisco, I’m not worth it,” you tried to pull your hands away, but he didn’t let go, “just let me atone for my sins.”

“_____,” ah how his voice just pulled you in, “you don’t have to be perfect to be a part of Team Flash.”

Then he did something that just took you off guard, he kissed you on the forehead. A simple gesture, one that held no romantic expectations, only the message ‘I’m here’.

“Let me help you, please.”

You hadn’t realized you were crying until you tried to speak. You were all choked up, and you struggled to give him your response. But when you looked at him, the words seemed to flow out of your mouth so effortlessly.

Oh I'm the lesser of two evils So keep looking Just keep looking into my eyes And as the lesser of two evils it pays to, pays to be the nice guy sometimes

“For you, anything.”

[fairycosmos]

Im ready to end it all, im so so tired of living this way i want to have the courage to actually go thru with it this time, but im still so scared and idk why i just want the constant hurt to stop

you’re scared because you don’t want to, even if every fiber of your being feels like you do. please, please try to believe me when i say that suicide isn’t the answer - it’s not going to change things, it’s just going to eliminate the chances of anything ever getting better while irreparably damaging those that love you in the process. you don’t have to kill yourself in order to get the pain to stop, okay? i promise. you just have to do what you can to change the way that you’re living, even if it’s difficult. what you’re going through right now is temporary. every individual thought and emotion and urge you have is fleeting, it’s going to pass if you give it the chance to. it’s okay to be sad and to hurt and to cry, as long as you have the emotional awareness to know that you can get through it, and that it’s not permanent even if your mind is trying to tell you that it is. listen, i know that it’s hard to keep going when you’re in so much pain, i totally get that. and i’m so, so proud of you for still being here and for making it this far. if anything, that proves how fucking much you’re capable of. you are genuinely so much stronger than you think you are. you can endure a LOT more than you think you can. even in those moments where it really feels like you physically can’t keep going - you can. and that’s the problem, because you have a choice and you need to make the correct one. you have a right to feel how you feel, but you don’t have to give these thoughts the power to actually dictate your reality. you don’t have to act on it. please, please don’t do this. you’re supposed to be here, and there’s still so much you haven’t done and seen and experienced yet. your life is so rare and important and it is full of potential, even if you can’t see that right now. don’t make an impulsive and major decision based on situations and thoughts that will pass, and that don’t have the power to beat you unless you give them the power to do so.

please, if you’re able to, talk to someone. call your parents or a friend or a sibling and try to tell them what’s going on. you don’t need to fight this all by yourself, and it’s probably better for you not to be alone right now. if that’s not an option, i’m literally begging you to try and get in touch with a professional, whether it’s a counselor or a therapist or a support group - there are so many people out there that care, and that will help the pain stop if you let them in and tell them that there’s a problem. suicidal thoughts are not normal and you should try to take your mental health just as seriously as you take your physical health.  it’s okay to reach out, we all need to at one point or another. please please don’t write the idea off before you’ve even tried it. your brain will probably convince you that it’s pointless, but making that crucial first step can truly change everything for you, in time. learning new coping mechanisms, talking to people that have been in your shoes, and having a consistent person to talk to can make all the difference. like i said before, you’re not alone. your worth isn’t measured by your own self hating thoughts and your existence isn’t defined by your depression and your negative emotions. there are so many other ways to go about this that don’t involve taking your own life, and that’s probably part of why you’re scared. you know this isn’t the answer, you know it’s not right. cause honestly, no matter how much you think you want to die, in the last few minutes of your life your natural instincts will kick in and you’ll be wishing with every bone in your body that you hadn’t done it. you’ll be grieving all of the people you’ve lost and all of the things you’ll never be, but you won’t be able to go back and undo it. so please, please just stop it before it starts. the only person that can fully bring you back from the brink of this is you. you are in complete control of what you do next. not your negative thoughts, not the urges or the feelings - you. please, please do the right thing and stay alive. if you just keep making it from one moment to the next, then you are honestly doing more than enough. that’s all you can ask of yourself, and all anybody else can ask of you. i’m going to leave some links that will offer further guidance/advice, please check them out if you have the time. and if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, i’m always here. if you feel like you’re going to do something, please message me so we can at least talk. i care and i appreciate your existence on this earth. please keep going. 

suicide hotlines (they can actually help): 

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

links:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201204/fighting-suicidal-thoughts

https://themighty.com/2016/09/battling-suicidal-thoughts-what-i-do-to-fight-every-day/

http://imwiththeclouds.tumblr.com/post/38347319557/100-reasons-to-why-you-shouldnt-commit-suicide

https://www.thehopeline.com/what-to-do-when-you-feel-suicidal

https://psychcentral.com/lib/lifestyle-tips-for-dealing-with-depression/

https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/suicidal-thoughts#coping-strategies

https://www.thepennyhoarder.com/life/wellness/low-cost-and-free-mental-health-services/

https://www.everydayhealth.com/hs/major-depression/ask-for-help/