#youre not Empowering her youre just reading her so badly and projecting your own feelings onto her.

[horrorknife]

“anya should be allowed to decapitate jimmy” “anya should shoot jimmy in the head” “i want anya ripping and tearing” OKAY BUT SHE WOULDNT. she wouldnt and why do you want her to live with blood on her hands. she’s gentle and quiet and conflict avoidant And That’s Okay. you don’t have to want to kill your rapist or want to watch them blow up. you don’t have to make yourself more traumatized to get better. some people simply move on. it’s so reductive and annoying to turn rape victims into vengeful angry violent people all the time man

[writingpages]

bent right to your wind

Summary: she could tell something wasn't right. and she was determined to pull it out of him.

Rating: T

Ships: Yusei Fudo/Aki Izayoi

Notes: written for @ygoadvent. there is a riding duel in this one.

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Yusei couldn't really see the point in getting out of bed today. Which was already strange for him, considering how often he stayed up through the night most days. But today felt especially exhausting, as if the looming dread would never go away. He'd said his goodbyes to Martha yesterday, and arrived back at Poppo Time where the place was empty yet again. Bruno was dead, Jack was spending more time at Carly's place, and Crow had only been temporarily back for the gift exchange before leaving again to France to be with Sherry as she visited her parents' graves. It felt like a glimpse into the future: where everyone moved on and he stayed still. Accepting the job at MIDS felt less empowering now and more like another chain that tied him to his family legacy.

He stared up at the ceiling contemplating his own complicated feelings with his father. Some days, he almost resented the man for not trying harder to shut down the Moment research project, and that resentment was followed by guilt for even feeling that way. After all, it wasn't like his father could have known the long term consequences for the project's very existence. What was worse is how no one seemed to resent his father or him for it: it was as if no one wanted to admit the catastrophic failures they were responsible for.

There he laid until Aki's voice called out to him. "Yusei," she called from downstairs, and he could hear her heels clicking on the garage floor. "Yusei, where are you?"

Yusei didn't want to admit to Aki that he'd spent the better part of his day in bed hating that he'd agreed to take a job that only tied him further to his father's legacy, so he finally got out of bed and threw on whatever his hands touched first. He went downstairs, and there she was. She'd traded her usual outfit for a black lace top with long sleeves under a black corset with red detailing, with a very flouncy (and short) black skirt with black tights underneath. Yusei liked the new looks she'd been trying out. "Aki," he said softly. "What are you doing here?"

Aki flushed, stepping forward to him. "Well, I thought... since you'd be alone," she said, placing her hands on his chest. "Perhaps we might... get to enjoy some more time together?"

Strange how on most days, such a suggestion would be a welcome distraction. Yet right now, Yusei was struggling to feel much of anything. Normally her body pressed this close to him would evoke some sort of reaction, and he badly wished it would. He'd give anything to focus on something other than the storm clouds in his mind. "I..." Yusei had never really been in a position where he needed to turn down Aki's advances, and he wasn't sure how to. "I've got a lot on my mind today, Aki."

That took Aki off guard, and she pulled away instantly, looking confused. "Is... everything okay? Not that something needs to be wrong for you to not want to, it's just... you don't normally say no." Aki was rambling, and it was clear she felt guilty for even questioning why Yusei might not be up for sex. "Sorry, you don't have to explain anything to me."

He placed his hands on hers, and she finally ceased rambling, staring up at him with concern etched on her face. "I took a job at MIDS a few days ago," he finally admitted. "And I was just... thought about the ways it would tie me to..."

Yusei trailed off, but he didn't need to say anything more. Aki hadn't pulled away, as if she knew that he still wanted her here. "Your father's legacy," she said softly, her light hazel eyes (bordering on light brown with the softest hints of green, like a forest's undergrowth) staring deep in his. "I can't imagine it was easy to accept that job... are you sure it's what you want to do?"

"It'd... pay decent," he said evasively. No, Yusei wasn't sure it was what he wanted to but... he'd be ensuring another Zero Reverse could never happen again. It was the one thing that was keeping him from utterly spiraling over it. He wished he could muster up something that wasn't just an endless void where his feelings should be. Yusei thought of Jack, and how Jack could simply continue his life uncaring towards the weight of the past. He thought of Crow, away in France, living his life. And he wondered how long until Aki was gone too. "And well, someone has to fix the guardrails to ensure that this city's safe. Might as well be me."

Just last year, Yusei was picturing a future of tournaments where he could Duel with only his pride on the line. Instead, he found himself tied even deeper to his father's legacy, with even his name a reminder of what was expected of him. Instead of looking happy for him over the new job, Aki frowned. "You're still going to Duel, right?"

It wasn't the question he'd expected her to ask. In fact, her sharp glare was the last thing he expected in terms of a reaction. "I won't have time to Duel," Yusei said immediately, almost feeling defensive about it. "Aki, someone has to -"

"No, I know. Preventing another Zero Reverse is important," Aki said, cutting him off and stepping away. She looked... upset. And he couldn't fathom why. "Yusei, you entered the WRGP to find yourself. And instead you took your father's job. You told me how the past doesn't matter and doesn't define us. Was that a lie?"

If Aki had punched him in the gut, it would have dealt far less emotional damage. The sun was already setting behind them, inviting them into the longest night of the year. "Of course not," he immediately replied, confused how they'd gotten here. "I don't understand why you're upset. The pay would be -"

"I don't care about the pay!" Aki's hands were on her hips, staring up at him in disbelief. "You... You know you don't have to save everyone, right? That it's okay if you lived your own life, separate from your father's, right? It's not like I want to go into politics!"

Yusei was not expecting the conversation to go this way. He'd been expecting her to understand that he needed to do this, and that he would feel guilty if he didn't. Instead, Aki just seemed angry that he'd accepted the job. "This is different," he argued, returning the glare at her. It felt like she was clawing at his insides, searching for some sort of truth that lay under it. "If I don't do this, people might die."

"Then let's Duel," Aki immediately said, and she immediately walked towards her runner. He knew what she was after with the challenge - she wanted to know exactly what was laying in his heart. For once, the concept was terrifying. Yusei hadn't been scared of letting Aki in like this before, but with her staring him down from her runner, it was like he was being picked raw. Was this how she felt when they first met? "Come on, Yusei. It's not like I can beat you, so what are you so scared of?"

It was her claim that she couldn't beat him that finally had him move to his runner. "You have a better chance than anyone else," he said as he pulled his helmet on, glancing over at her. No one could really claim to know him the way that Aki could. Still, Yusei's heart wasn't fully in it. The sun was sinking on the horizon, and the air was getting colder. "Try and catch me."

Yusei still had more experience on her. It's why Yusei had the first corner, and he glanced down at his hand after he drew. Certainly not the worst hand he'd ever had. He set Synchro Material. "I destroy my facedown to special summon Card Breaker," Yusei called. "I summon Debris Dragon. Clustering stars weave a greater force! Become the path its light shines upon! Synchro Summon! Roar engines, Turbo Warrior!"

"Already Synchroing," Aki responded, sounding almost impressed. "And you claim I can beat you?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if you did," Yusei replied glancing over his shoulder at her. "I set two cards and end my turn."

It was Aki's turn, and she gained speed on him. Aki's deck had received some major modifications since the WRGP, not all of which he was familiar with. In many ways, it was part of what he was so scared of. How long until she outgrew him, like everyone else seemed to? "I summon White Rose Dragon," Aki called as White Rose Dragon appeared on the field. "Due to its effect, I can special summon Red Rose Dragon from my deck. A cold flame envelops the entire world, black flower bloom! Appear! Black Rose Dragon!"

Yusei's eyes widened as he looked over his shoulder. Black Rose Dragon was staring him down, and while she didn't look at him with the same hatred as when they first met, she definitely didn't seem too interested in pleasantries either. It was like she knew Yusei was trying to keep away from Aki the way he'd been feeling most of winter, and would happily beat it out of him for Aki. "Impressive," Yusei remarked. "Your deck brings out Black Rose Dragon fairly quickly now, huh?"

"If I want to go pro, then I certainly can't afford to beat around the bush," Aki responded, and he couldn't quite read her tone. "Due to Red Rose Dragon's effect, I can add Roxrose Dragon and Blooming of the Darkest Rose to my hand. I equip Speed Spell - Rose Malice to Black Rose Dragon. You might be familiar with some of its effects. One of them is that it increases Black Rose Dragon's attack by 800 points. Now, Black Rose Dragon, attack Turbo Warrior!"

Well, he certainly couldn't let Aki draw first blood that quickly. "I activate my facedown, Scrap Iron Scarecrow," he called. "You know what it does."

"Still relying on your same old tricks," she teased. "I set two cards and end my turn."

One of them was almost certainly Blooming of the Darkest Rose, but as for what the other was, he had no idea. Yusei drew a card, and was instantly annoyed. Fake Gardna certainly wouldn't help him out of this position. The best he could do was play defense until he could do something more useful. Ironically, isn't that what he was doing here? "I end..."

"I activate Ivy Shackle," Aki called. "All your monsters now become plant types."

"Right," Yusei said, glancing up at Turbo Warrior as the plants twisted around it. Why did it feel like no matter what he did, he couldn't hide the truth from Aki? It felt like she was twisting around inside him, poking and prodding at his guts until they'd all spill out. And normally, it was him in her position, he knew. It wasn't fair that he didn't want to let her do it back. Hypocritical, even. "I end my turn."

With no way for her to burst past Scrap Iron Scarecrow for now, they came to a stand still. She summoned Revival Rose, and he destroyed it. Until the sixth turn, where he saw Aki smirk. "I'll get you to open up one way or another, Yusei," she said, and while she hadn't intended it to be a threat, it sure did sound like. "I activate Speed Spell - Rose Wind. When I have four or more speed counters, I can destroy one trap on your side of the field. And with Scrap Iron Scarecrow gone...."

Yusei's eyes widened. "Turbo Warrior..."

"That's right: Black Rose Dragon attacks Turbo Warrior," she said. Aki had gained better control over her powers - it was nothing but a smack to his pride when Aki did the first damage of the Duel. "Due to Speed Spell - Rose Malice's effect, Turbo Warrior isn't destroyed and loses 600 attack points. It's your move, Yusei."

It wasn't even enough damage to drop in speed, and yet Yusei had a feeling she wouldn't stop there if he let her. He drew, glancing at his hand for ideas on how to get out of this. He didn't have the levels to get to Stardust Dragon, but maybe... "I activate Speed Spell - Angel Baton," Yusei called, drawing two more cards from his deck. Junk Synchron and Quillbolt Hedgehog. Still shy one level of Stardust Dragon but that didn't matter. He had an option, which is more than he had last turn. He discarded Quillbolt Hedgehog. "I summon Junk Synchron. Due to its effect, I can summon Card Breaker. And due to Quillbot Hedgehog's effect, I can summon it from my graveyard."

"Instantly summoning three monsters off one card," Aki said, and he could hear the smile in her voice. "Now there's the Yusei I know."

"I'm not done yet," he retorted, almost starting to feel something sparking inside him. Maybe this had been the real goal of Aki's challenge - to get him out of the funk he'd found himself in. He certainly felt more alive, anyway. "Junk Synchron tunes Card Break and Quillbolt Hedgehog! Gathering roars turn into an echoing arrow which tears through the sky! Become the path its light shines upon! Synchro Summon! Show yourself, Junk Archer! Junk Archer removes Black Rose Dragon from play. Due to this, Speed Spell - Rose Malice is sent to the graveyard."

"Turbo Warrior's attack points return to normal due to Speed Spell - Rose Malice going to the graveyard."

"Battle! Junk Archer attacks you directly!"

"Not so fast, Yusei," Aki purred, now riding side by side with him. She winked at him, and he swore it felt like an arrow to his heart. "Did you forget about my set Blooming of the Darkest Rose? Upon activation, it summons a Rose Token with 800 attack and 800 defense in defense position to my side of the field for every Spell or Trap on the field, and I count two."

"I continue my attack," Yusei half growled, annoyed he wasn't able to end this quick enough. Of course Aki had a trick up her sleeve. "Junk Archer attacks and destroys your Rose Token! Turbo Warrior attacks the other!"

"And in your end phase, Black Rose Dragon returns to my side of the field," Aki said, and the Signer Dragon burst back onto the field in a flurry of rose petals that actively took a swipe at him. "Sorry - she's a little cranky about being banished." Yusei scowled, not surprised that Black Rose Dragon was willing to take a swipe at him. It was as if she knew that he was actively hiding something too. Something he didn't even want to admit to himself, really. "I summon Roxrose Dragon in defense. Due to Roxrose Dragon's effect, I can add Speed Spell - White Rose Storm. When I have 3 or more speed counters in my graveyard and White Rose Dragon in my graveyard, I can activate it and grant Black Rose Dragon a 500 attack point boost! It only lasts for one turn, but I only need it to last for one turn."

"You're going all in," Yusei remarked, well aware there was nothing he could do to stop her. "You know I took that job at MIDS because it's the right thing to do, right?"

"Did you," she challenged, digging deep into the pit of his stomach. It felt like she was trying to yank his heart out to take a good long look at it. And Yusei was scared what would happen if she did. "Black Rose Dragon, destroy Turbo Warrior." It was like his heart exploded in a million tiny pieces. "Due to Speed Spell - White Rose Storm, I can banish White Rose Dragon from my grave yard to attack again. Black Rose Dragon, destroy Junk Archer!"

She was now ahead of him, and he was chasing her. And suddenly he could picture the road to the future, where she was always just out of reach from him. Yusei took a steadying breath. Now was not the time to have another panic attack. The sun had fully set, and the only thing that kept her in view was the streetlights on the road. The air was cold, and he was grateful it wasn't snowing. "You cleared my field."

"It was easy," she said, glancing back at him. Instead of looking pleased about what she pulled off, she was glaring at him. "Stop going easy on me. I set a card and end my turn."

He knew Aki wasn't trying to be insulting, but he wasn't trying to go easy on her. Yusei was just having a hard time finding any heart in him at all. He drew, and glanced at it. It was enough to keep him in the game. "I summon Rockstone Warrior in defense mode, and set a card. I end my turn."

"Is that really all you're going to do," Aki asked, sounding almost angry now. "Where's your sense of pride, Yusei? Don't tell me that you lost it. I banish Revival Rose from my graveyard to activate Black Rose Dragon's effect to switch Rockstone Warrior from defense to attack, and reduce its attack points to zero. Rose Restriction!"

Black Rose's vines reached for his monster, forcing it into an open vulnerability. "I'm fuckin trying," he finally snapped, unable to keep it in any longer. "Don't you get it? I just... I'm not..."

"Maybe you'll find the words after this," she snarled, and he was stunned by her anger. "You can't shut me out, Yusei. You forced me to open my heart to you, and you won't do the same? Roxrose Dragon, attack Rockstone Warrior!"

"Due to Rockstone Warrior's effect, I take no battle damage," he called back, though Roxrose Dragon still managed to get a swipe on him. She was holding back just enough to not hurt him, at least. He couldn't be sure about Black Rose Dragon, however. As much as Aki gained control, the Signer Dragon seemed to have a mind of her own. "Aki, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shut you out... I just... I couldn't..."

"You couldn't what," she asked as he fumbled through his words, trying to explain himself to her. "Black Rose Dragon attacks you directly!"

Yusei was right: Black Rose Dragon was not nearly as nice as Aki was. Black Rose's vines wrapped around his neck, vaguely choking him for just a brief second before letting him go. He gasped in shock, well aware it was only because of Aki that the dragon didn't try to kill him. "I activate Hope for Escape! I draw a card for every thousand point difference in life points we have," he said. "Because you have four thousand life points and I have 300, I draw four cards."

The cards he drew provided an out... or at least a way to start turning the tables. "Why did you agree to take that job with MIDS," she asked. "You never showed any interest in following your father's steps before. I set a card and end my turn."

"I told you: it's the right thing to do," Yusei said, and he could finally admit to himself that he didn't want to. Yusei didn't want to have to work for MIDS, repairing the mistakes of his father. And yet... "I activate Speed Spell - Angel Baton." He glanced at what he drew, discarding Stardust Xialong. "I activate the effect of Rockstone Warrior. By banishing it from my graveyard, I can special summon another copy from my deck in defense mode. Come forth, Rockstone Warrior!"

"Still hiding behind defenses," Aki said, and spun her runner around to face him. He could read her face - the pure frustration that he wouldn't tell her what was going on in his head. "Tell me what's wrong, Yusei."

"Nothing's wrong," Yusei said automatically. "I summon Hyper Synchron. Hyper Synchron tunes Rockstone Warrior! Clustering wishes will become a new shining star! Become the path its light shines upon! Synchro Summon! Soar, Stardust Dragon!

"I activate Raigeki Break," Aki said as she spun her runner back around. "By discarding a card from my hand, I can destroy one monster on the field. I target Stardust Dragon for destruction!"

"I activate Stardust Dragon's effect! Victim sanctuary!"

"You can't keep sacrificing yourself for everyone forever, Yusei," she responded immediately, glancing back at him in annoyance. "You have to live your own life, for yourself! When we first met, you told me I had to think for myself and that I had to live my own life for myself. It's time you had the same advice." She took a deep breath. "You're below the safety line again, with only three speed counters. You always wind up here, pushing yourself ragged and not letting anyone help you. If I draw a Speed Spell next turn, I win."

Aki was right, and Yusei knew it. And for the first time in a while, in the dead of night on the road with Aki, he found the will to fight for his own future again. "I set three cards and end my turn. Stardust Dragon returns to my side of the field. I end my turn."

"I just have to draw a Speed Spell," she said, and she drew. Judging by the frown on her face, she must not have drawn the Speed Spell she needed to end it. "I remove 7 speed counters to activate Speed World 2's effect."

"Then you won't be able to end this for another four turns," Yusei remarked, amused. "You need at least four Speed Counters to activate Speed World 2's burn effect."

"I know what it means," she snapped as she drew again, glaring at the card she drew. Perhaps she didn't have an out to Stardust Dragon? That seemed the most likely reason for her to be annoyed. "I switch Roxrose Dragon to defense. I banish Black Rose Dragon to add Blooming of the Darkest Rose back to the bottom of my deck. Black Rose Dragon returns during the standby phase of my next turn. I summon Witch of the Black Rose in defense. Due to its effect, I draw, and if I don't draw a monster card, then it's destroyed."

"Who's hiding behind defenses now?"

"Shut up," she said as she drew again. Aki held up Blue Rose Dragon to show him she drew a monster card. "Looks like I'm lucky. I end my turn."

Yusei nodded as he drew again, glancing up at the sky. The endless inky void of space, with the stars hidden behind the city lights around them, greeted him. He glanced back at what he had. "With Stardust Dragon on my field, I can summon Stardust Xialong. Next I summon Majestic Dragon. Battle!"

"You aren't going to Synchro first," Aki asked, glancing back at him. "I told you: stop taking it easy on me!"

It hit Yusei then that yes, he'd been going easy on her. "I'm not," he responded immediately. "Stardust Dragon attacks Roxrose Dragon! Shooting Sonic!" Roxrose Dragon shattered, and Yusei might not have dealt any damage, but he certainly took away some advantage from her. Since she didn't stop him from attacking, there must be nothing she could do to stop him. "I activate Urgent Tuning! With this, I can Synchro during my battle phase. Majestic Dragon tunes Stardust Xialong and Stardust Dragon! Gathering starlights will enlighten a new miracle! Become the path its light shines upon! Synchro Summon! Arrive in light, Majestic Star Dragon!"

"Does this mean you'll finally tell me what's wrong," Aki asked. "You haven't been honest with me yet."

"You're right. I have been going easy on you. I haven't had my heart in this Duel because I haven't felt much of anything today," Yusei admitted. In the light, everything suddenly felt impossible to hide. "I took the job at MIDS because I felt like I wasn't good enough for you, and I'm scared that the future means I'll wind up here while the rest of you leave."

"Oh, Yusei," Aki said softly, glancing back at him. "I'm scared of the future too. But I promise you: you are good enough for me. You don't need to make a bunch of money for that to be true. And none of us have any plans on abandoning you. You're never going to be alone as long as we're around."

It was like he could finally let go of the fears he didn't want to admit he was carrying. "Majestic Star Dragon attacks Witch of the Black Rose," he said, watching as the final defense position monster Aki had on the field left. "You won't be able to end the Duel next turn, even if you draw a Speed Spell. I might be below the safety line, but I'm still in this. Majestic Star Dragon returns to my extra deck, and Stardust Dragon returns to my field. I end my turn."

"So you're not going to keep pretending everything's fine with me then," Aki asked as she drew, glancing at the card. "Due to Blooming of the Darkest Rose's effect, Black Rose Dragon returns to the field."

"No," Yusei said softly. "I'll be honest with you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I was struggling."

"When did it start getting so bad?"

It was a question he hadn't expected. It'd been creeping on him, and it came to a head when he'd had that panic attack in the snow. Everything since then felt like Yusei was trying to seem strong despite something inside him chipping away until he was left with a void where he used to have insides. "I guess since the start of winter," he said, frowning. "Is that relevant?"

"I see," Aki said softly. "I set a card and end my turn."

The one thing now is that he couldn't let Aki gain speed. He drew, and glanced at it. Without knowing her set card, Yusei couldn't be sure it was a way to stop him from going for game. "I active Speed Spell - Silver Contrails. Due to its effect, Stardust Dragon gains 1000 attack points."

"At least you aren't holding back anymore. I'd hate it if the only reason I beat you was because you weren't fighting back."

"You were right: I wasn't fighting back. I summon Healing Wave Generator in attack mode. Due to its effect, I can select one monster on my side of the field and gain life points equal to its level times one hundred. I select Stardust Dragon!" Finally, Yusei was back above the safety line with 1100 life points. It was a strange feeling. He'd spent so long just barely having his head above water that just treading water felt like a relief. "Stardust Dragon attacks Black Rose Dragon! Shooting Sonic!"

Aki was now fully behind him with the hit, and Yusei sped past her. He caught a glimpse of the look on her face: relief. "I know you can't just quit MIDS," she said softly. "Not when you'd already agreed to do it. But promise me that you won't stop Dueling while you're at it."

"As long as you agree to also not stop Dueling, Aki."

"It's a deal," she agreed with a brilliant smile. "Winters won't always be hard, Yusei."

Normally by now, the sun would be coming up with how long they'd been at this Duel. And yet the night marched on, uncaring and unfeeling. And it occurred to Yusei that he missed the sun. Aki had understood something in him that even he hadn't realized was there. "I attack directly with Healing Wave Generator!"

"Just because I'm glad you're finally opening up doesn't mean I'm going to let you take victory that easily," Aki responded as her trap card flipped face up, and Yusei realized his mistake too late. "I activate Wicked Rebirth! I pay 800 life points to revive Black Rose Dragon! Would you like to keep attacking, or are you going to call that foolish attack off?"

It wouldn't have mattered if Healing Wave Generator was in defense, admittedly. With Black Rose Dragon's effect, she could just bulldoze through it. He gritted his teeth as he glanced at his set cards. Yusei could certainly power through this. "I call of my attack and end my turn."

Aki drew, and glanced at the card. "This has been fun, Yusei. Just you and me with no stakes higher than our pride," she said softly. Yusei smiled back at her, nodding. For once, the world wouldn't end if he lost. It was a reminder of why he'd loved Dueling in the first place. "But this is it. Black Rose Dragon attacks Healing Wave Generator! Rose Gale!"

"Remember: I'm not going easy on you anymore," Yusei said as he activated his trap. "I've been letting you walk all over me, and that ends now. I activate Defense Draw! This stops your attack, and I get to draw a card!"

"Should have known that you wouldn't just let me attack," Aki said, but she was grinning. "Glad to see you're fighting back. I set a card and end my turn!"

Yusei drew, and glanced. A Speed Spell. The same way Aki had planned to end this Duel was now viable to him. He just needed to last for one more turn. "I activate Healing Wave Generator's effect again," Yusei said as he gained back another 800 life points. He had no way to stop Black Rose Dragon from attacking, but he could at least ensure he'd survive the attack. And well, surviving was all he could do until he could end this. "Stardust Dragon attacks Black Rose Dragon! Shooting Sonic!"

As the two Signer Dragons clashed, his mark burned but the city lights stayed aglow in the night. Unlike before, the Moment could now handle this sort of thing. "Impressive," Aki said as Black Rose Dragon's rose petals fell around her like snow. "I... I'll always be in your life, Yusei. You know that, right?"

"I know that now," Yusei said softly. "Healing Wave Generator attacks you directly!"

"I activate Offensive Guard! With this, Healing Wave Generator's attack is halved," she said as the attack went through. Aki continued after him, grinning. "We'll have to do this again soon. I feel like I've gotten stronger."

"You certainly have." Even before Yusei had found it in him to fight back, Aki would've been a terrifying opponent to beat. She'd cut through his defenses like butter, and kept the pressure intense the entire time. "I told you: if anyone could beat me one day, it would be you. I end my turn."

Aki drew for her turn, glancing over at it. It didn't matter what Aki had drawn, as she lacked the speed to activate Speed World 2's effect. However, she would certainly have the speed necessary if she got another turn. Yusei couldn't let her have another turn. "I summon Blue Rose Dragon in defense mode! Its effect allows me to bring back Black Rose Dragon! And now Black Rose Dragon attacks Healing Wave Generator! Black Rose Gale!"

Yusei was back below the safety line, and he was pulled back neck and neck with her. "Determined, aren't you?"

She smirked at him. "What can I say? I'd love to claim to have beaten the Duel King," she teased with a wink. "Any response? Or are you going to stay below the safety line again?"

"I activate Miracle's Wake to resummon Healing Wave Generator," Yusei said, understanding what she meant. It wasn't about winning anymore - it was about proving that he wouldn't just let life happen to him. "You're right: I've spent too long below the safety line."

"Good. I end my turn."

Yusei drew, and glanced at it. "I can end it now," Yusei said as he glanced over at her. "I activate Healing Wave Generator's effect one last time."

"Finally going to spend some time above the safety line here with me, then?"

"Yeah," he said softly. "That being said... I remove four speed counters to activate Speed World 2's effect." Yusei showed her the two Speed Spells in his hand. "I have just enough in hand to go for game."

Aki's life points hit zero, and the two of them came to a stop together. The sun never did rise on their Duel, but Aki grinned all the same. "For the record, I'm buying you a sun lamp. I think it might help."

Yusei laughed, nodding as he looked up at the night that would continue as they rode back to Poppo Time. "It just might," he admitted. "Thank you, Aki."

[arentwelost]

reactions to the bnha: heroes rising film

spoilers alert !

(i risked coronavirus to go to the cinema for this but no regrets because we all want to die anyway oof-)

the film was very 1a centred & that’s gr8 and all especially since we got to witness the bond they had between them & just. how incredibly amazing their teamwork is

but i really ,,, miss,,, aizawa (my fave, my tru love)

he had a total of 3 (?) scenes, each of them lasting like less than 10 secs - even toshinori had more scenes than that : (

but you know who even had less screen time (aka none),,, our boy,,, the valid purple son,,,, shinsou hitoshi : (

the person who had the most screen time was this new villain called nine and i really wanna yell begone thot at him because he was like “i want to create a utopia where the powerful rules” and i was like thinking,, yo that shit sounds like capitalism & neoliberalism

his character design was really pretty, but it didn’t make up for his ideology that came outta nowhere with no backstory - so it was really hard to empathise/sympathise

what makes a villain good is 1) sufficient backstory 2) being so damn predictable and familiar that you actually prefer them over every other new villain because better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know

anyway, what really slaps is kacchan’s fuckin character development !!

lil gremlin is still gremlin but ,, he’s working with other kids,, he’s minimising damage done to the area while fighting villains,, there was a scene of him all calm and shit while eavesdropping on izuku and katsuma (which once again proves that most of his anger is just a front he puts up in front of other people rather than a perpetual state, and ya know what, i love that introvertedness that he has),,, him being protective over the bakusquad and not blasting kaminari for teasing him,,, he and izuku fighting together like a hero duo ,,,, eye-

this movie really said bakugo character development hUH

anyway in the beginning when endeavour showed up and dabi and endeavour had this whole showdown with their fire quirks and we got this close up of endeavour’s thicc thighs and i was like :           ) we don’t stan for this here but at the same time i was like @ hawks damn ur daddy really be like that, huH

which reminds me of my whole spiel about dabi/hawks and endeavour/hawks : ‘ ) 

but yea. dabi was unfairly attractive and i just want death to consume me

okay so the plot was like,, the hero commission (aka the dodgy ass institution): how about sending the 1a kids to an island where there are no active heroes ??

so the 1a kids get yeeted off to an island,, and they are having fun helping the locals out !! (this is the wholesome content we all deserve)

jirou and yaomomo asdgjhskgjahkj

kacchan who stays at home the entire day because he’s on ~villain duty~ and there weren’t any villains so he just sits at home and read manga asdfghjkl that’s a hard Mood

kirishima looking like the cutie he is eye-

the bakusquad teasing kacchan by calling him “kacchan of bakugo”

how is maharo & katsuma so damn cute *angery fists*

but izuku really be adopting children left and right hUh

dadmight and dadzawa whomst i only know dadku

ochako & tsuyu are so cute wtf eye-

these villains are overpowered af wtf

wow i love 1a having each other’s backs their teamwork,, was ,,, so good,,, so smooth ,,, (*whispers* poly 1-a anyone ??)

everyone be losing until kacchan comes blasTing in, saving kirishima & kaminari with sheer determination and stubbornness and manages to defeat one (1) villain

not going to lie though i feel like mummy got done dirty like that

but i like the little nod to the provisional exam arc

the inflated izuku mahoro projected was the Cutest

anyway what really clapped was you know,, both izuku and kacchan being the smort cookies they are: “DIDN’T I TELL YOU THAT ONCE I’VE SEEN YOU USE IT, I HAVE A WAY OF COUNTERING IT?!" 

like oof

also i love how izuku is established as the image of hope (the saviour) and kacchan is established as the image of victory (the victor) - this whole “win to save” and “save to win” really got laid down really heavily

but we’re all hoes for that i guess

touga in her winter gear !!! eye-

yaomomo delivering the Goods (i.e. the cannons) 

a o y a m a : (

the moment i realised that tokoyami was in the cave, i knew the villain there was Done For 

i haven’t forgotten our resident eldritch abomination, dark shadow, y’all

i just ?? love ?? mina ???? so much ??????

ngl i didn’t know chimera was literally a chimera until this part i just thought he one big furry

oof

that flashback to endeavour’s advice when shouto was fighting chimera ?? the symBoLisM wow

shouto being able to rationally separate endeavour the hero and endeavour the shitty dad & using the advice endeavour gave him to empower himself -

- wipes tears

sero and ochako getting blasted away really badly by nine,,, and izuocha happens but we’ve all seen that before

it is kacchan,, ,, being protective of sero when he got yeeted,,,,, that is the Point 

THE BEST PART ABT THE SECOND LAST FIGHT WAS LITERALLY BKDK BEING SO IN SYNC WITH EACH OTHER’S MOVES THAT THEY WERE FIGHTING LIKE A HERO DUO ??

LIKE IZUKU KICKING THE VILLAIN, REBOUNDING OFF THE SHIELD,, AND THEN FLYING OFF JUST FOR KACCHAN TO GRAB IZUKU’S HAND AND FLING HIM BACK AT THE VILLAIN FOR A SECOND ATTACK

THE WHOLE HANDHOLDING THING IS STARTING TO COME OUT AS A MOTIF

AND I JUST WOW ,,, BKDK,, (platonic or romantic or otherwise) OUT HERE,, HOLDING HANDS AS EQUALS,,, SYMBOLIC OF THEIR CHANGING RELATIONSHIP,,,,

s h o u j i : ( protecting mahoro and katsuma with his body : ( big cuddle boy doesn’t deserve this pain !!!

don’t think i didn’t notice the film using the same bgm as the kamino rescue

it draws such a powerful parallel ??  back then it was kacchan who needed to be ‘saved'  but now it’s kacchan doing the saving & the winning - once again, such character development asdfghjkl

this film,, making me appreciate kaminari 10x more

also fellas is it gay to stare at your rival and being able to communicate non-verbally

bkdk detroit smashing the storm together & making a damn fucking hole in the stratosphere like all might,, dispelling the damn storm and letting sunlight filter in ?? that was some really obvious symbolism but regardless,,,, wow

this is the part where the whole twin stars motif really came right in kicking our houses down

kacchan breaking both of his arms because of one for all & all i can think of is ,, izuku,, stop sharing your bone breaking juice with people

i’m just thinking about how people @ izuku: wtf how do you deal with this bone breaking bs all the time

and izuku, pure bean: oh yea haha i thought it was normal ?? like everyone has to get used to their quirks like this ??

a concept: quirkless izuku not understanding how quirks are supposed to feel

anyway, dadmight cradling izuku in his arms only to leave kacchan a metre away ?? favouritism that we’re all here for

izuku : ( apologising : ( for : ( being : ( a : ( bad : ( successor : (

i just want to shake izuku’s shoulders & tell him that he did super well and that he shouldn’t be ashamed of himself and that he deserves everything good in this world

also imagine being so gremlin that all the one for all predecessors were like "nope we’re not dealing with this gremlin child, we prefer the pure broccoli” 

disappointed that hawks didn’t get enough screentime

but we got some hawks & tokoyami and ryuukyuu & ochako time

kacchan ~conveniently~ forgetting what happened ?? i smell something fishy

our local crusty boy shows up & ahh yes, there it is - the close up shot that like to remind us that he needs to Moisturise

everytime i see red shoes on shigs i just think about the parallels between shigs and izuku and my heart breaks all over again

the scene where shouto got hugged super uncomfortably by endeavour ?? oof. the entire cinema just simultaneously laughed and heard the shouuuuutooooo

katsuma being like like “i’m going to become a hero like deku & bakugo !” and kacchan’s acting all cool and shit, telling him “you better” while izuku is like “katsuma, you can become a hero !! we’ll wait for you at ua !!” because he saw himself in katsuma and wanted to be the person he wanted someone to be for him when he was young

breaking my own heart like this

imagine the first years in ten years though

they’re just going to be a bunch of teenagers izuku or 1-a saved or adopted

and they’re going to give aizawa so many more grey hairs than the current 1-a

[hopeandharmonizing]

RP Plotting Sheet : Briar Rieka

Want new-and-exciting plots for your character? Long to reach out to more of your followers, but don’t know where to start? Fear not! Fill out this form and give your RP partners both present and future all the of juicy jumping off points they need to help you get your characters acquainted.

Be sure to tag the players whose characters YOU want more cues to interact with, and repost, don’t reblog! Feel free to add or remove sections as you see fit. Template here.

tagged by: stole it from an old blog

Mun name: Rachel or Teceraca OOC Contact: Start with tumblr IMs. I have discord as well. Talk in the tags.

Who the heck is my muse anyway: 

Creeping up on middle-age, part-time Happy Huntress, part-time musical performer, wolf faunus lady who occasionally plays with gender presentation, mostly on stage. She has a painful past, but it only hardened her into a stronger, kinder self who wants to help everyone else to never hurt that badly, or at least not have to shoulder the pain alone. All she wants is to empower people, and yet all she seems to do it make them weaker and intimidated in her presence. Regardless, she continues to try and inspire through words and music, and protect through fists and claws.

Points of interest: 

black and white wolf tail, thorny vine tattoos wrapping most of her body, a semblance which cancels out others’ semblances, skilled in Aikido, guitar, keyboard/piano, and vocals. Graduate of Sanctum and Atlas Academies. Her huntress license lapsed after its first expiration date and remained that way for ~10 years until she reinstated at the behest of Robyn Hill. She will love you if you love yourself, and likewise do her best to truly scare the shit out of you if you mistreat others.

What they’ve been up to recently:

In mainverse, she’s living her best life in Mantle city, trying to bring hope to the masses and occasionally going on stake-outs for Robyn Hill or acting as entertainment or security detail for her rallies.

If you want to meet her somewhere in the past, you can find her either just looking to survive, mastering her music, or completing combat training followed by huntress training. then, trying but failing to work effectively as a licensed huntress, and slowly feeling like she’s lost herself before she finds music again.

Where to find them: 

In chronological order:

Morkmani Village Anima forests Argus Sanctum Academy Atlas Academy Mantle city  - wherever the work was   - performances at nightclubs, bars, street venues, coffee shops, etc  - libraries, cafes, anywhere she can sit and work on her stuff  - her apartment  - supporting other people’s shows! having fun in the crowds.  - out shopping, especially to add to/update her wardrobe with cool shit

Current plans:

make the world better! or at least feel like less of an oncoming storm. continue to be a badass? love as many people as she can. from a distance, usually.

Desired interactions:

WHEEZE. A lot of this is similar to the associations bit in my page but here we go.

Robyn recruiting her to join the huntresses, any and all shenanigans that may follow. Fraternizing with fellow huntresses in general, or missions together.

Qrow and/or Clover semblance shenanigans and training. Also her and Clover generally giving each other shit bc it is just So Much to have those two egos in one room.

Bitching at Ironwood about what trust and loyalty REALLY means or maybe just her venting to someone about him, but this requires her getting to know him somehow in the first place, or at least to hear from others what he is like. idk. this muse has meta feelings about micromanagement, I would love to thread them.

Giving Weiss vocal training classes when she was a lil’ girl. and/or catching up in current verse. 

Briar getting to meet Blake and absolutely gush about her speech at Menagerie bc she saw it from some scroll recordings.

Basically anything with Jaune. I still have no idea what is going to happen when these two semblances meet each other. I do know hers can basically act like a spiritual resistance weight to help his get stronger. It probably goes both ways. Semblance arm wrestling is what I’m sayin’. But also she just.......... she has a lot of feelings. It’s like a Qrow/Clover thing too where she looks at him and sees everything she could be, but isn’t. She’s too proud. Help her work through this and question herself a little bit so she can come out better for it, and realize they are both different yet who they are supposed to be.

Silver eyes training with Ruby!!!! She doesn’t know anything about them besides what she’d find out from the crew, but she does have plenty of skills and pep talks that can probably help Ruby focus and/or project her power. Briar's semblance color is silver for a reason.

Semblance/aura training with anyone in general. But when I say that I also mean “learning not to rely on your semblance” training. She’s good for that. She may get being a professor for it added to either her history or her future, idk yet.

This also leads into being able to have a discussion with Oscar/Ozpin about a different take that can help her fully realize her semblance abilities. If you’re interested, we can chat mun to mun so I can let you know my ideas and you can decide how your muse wants to guide her through it.

Other OCs idk who what where when why how but that’s exactly the point. the whole verse is our oyster, let’s see what happens. come @ me. let’s let our muses help develop each other.

Offered interactions:

Briar’s actually pretty easy to have interactions with villains? She probably won’t know any better if she runs into them and they aren’t immediately stirring trouble. For better or worse, she’ll give them the benefit of the doubt if they are trying to confide in her about something or just chatting.

Also I haven’t made one yet but she’d be damn good for a villain herself AU.

She will listen to you! She will sing to you!! She wants to make you happy and help you grow, plz come to her with whatever. (Or vice versa! She’s not difficult to get to open up and she will talk with you about her own doubts and demons if u want).

Anyone can watch one of her performances and/or come find her hanging around the venue afterwards. I’ll probably make some opens for this kind of thing.

Are you another performer character??? Duets??? duets.

Faunus mentor!! Music mentor!!

Sanctum or Atlas Academy student days can be a thing. Likewise for her more interspersed street performances during those times.

future volume interactions if you’re comfortable with hcs of what goes down until we find out canon. She can go after Robyn/Qrow in the immediate timeframe, or run into any of the kids in the process. I like to think she joins up with the main cast to head to Vacuo when that happens. Whether to just bring her music along for them and/or to start spreading it to more reaches of the world bc hopefully Atlas/Mantle is under control at some point and in good hands with Robyn and however that leadership shakes out, and damn the whole world needs hope right now, so it is... Time To Dream Even Bigger.

Current open post/s: 

here’s the open starter tag!

Anything else?:

I thought there was a shipping section on here but uhhhhhh i’m too much of a wuss to make one myself right now. maybe a bias list in the future. I feel like I should get some general interactions going first. 

Tagging: I’m not making anyone commit to this beast. If you want it, take it and most certainly blame me and tag me so I can read it.

[lastsonlost]

I needed Marvel to stand by me with more work opportunities to show the trolls that I was more than a diversity hire. “

Sina Grace on Writing Iceman at Marvel: “I Was Surrounded by Cowards”

Posted by Jude Terror June 28, 2019 48 Comments

As has been documented in various Bleeding Cool articles throughout the course of the book’s two series, one of my personal favorite X-Men comics of the past few years was Iceman, written by Sina Grace, and drawn it its first volume by Alessandro Vitti and Robert Gill and in its second and concluding one-shot by Nathan Stockman. The book breathed new life into a character who it could be argued hadn’t really received significant character development since his days in X-Factor in the 1980s. It’s true that it was “The Great One” Brian Bendis who wrote Iceman outed by Jean Grey’s invasive telepathy, but it was Grace who wrote adult Iceman coming to grips with this and learning to be himself and love himself, alongside, of course, lots of mutant action and drama. The book ended too soon, when it was really just getting going, IMHO.

With all of that in mind, it’s sad but not surprising to read Sina Grace’s comments, posted to his Tumblr, about his time at Marvel writing the book and what he says was a lack of support from Marvel while he dealt with online bullying as well as a lack of support and promotion for Iceman itself.

Grace writes:

As Pride Month comes to a close, it’s time I spoke candidly about my experience at Marvel Comics.

To date, I’ve always been honest about the joy of writing Iceman’s journey as an out gay superhero, but I’ve skirted around the challenges that came along with it. This is partially because I prefer to give off an upbeat vibe, and there’s also a fear that my truth will affect my career. With more corporations patting themselves on the back for profit-led partnerships wherein celebrities take selfies in rainbow apparel, and with buzz that Marvel Studios is preparing to debut their first gay character in the upcoming Eternals movie, there is an urgency to discuss the realities of creating queer pop culture in a hostile or ambivalent environment. Hopefully, my takeaways will serve as a guide for people in positions of power to consider when advocating for more nuanced and rich representation. In an ideal world, embracing our stories and empowering us to tell them will yield far more profitable (and way less messy) results than what I encountered while writing Iceman.

Stand by your people

It’s no surprise that I got the attention of trolls and irate fans for taking on this job. There was already backlash around the manner in which Bobby Drake aka Iceman came out, and Marvel needed to smooth that landing and put a “so what” to the decision. After a point, I could almost laugh off people making light of my death, saying they have “cancerous AIDS” from my book, or insinuating I’m capable of sexual assault… almost. Between Iceman’s cancellation and its subsequent revival, Marvel reached out and said they noticed threatening behavior on my Twitter account (only after asking me to send proof of all the nasty shit popping up online). An editor called, these conversations always happen over the phone, offering to provide “tips and tricks” to deal with the cyber bullying. I cut him off. All he was going to do was tell me how to fend for myself. 

I needed Marvel to stand by me with more work opportunities to show the trolls that I was more than a diversity hire. 

“We’ll keep you in mind.”

I got so tired of that sentence.

Even after a year of the new editor-in-chief saying I was talented and needed to be on a book that wasn’t “the gay character,” the only assignment I got outside of Iceman was six pages along, about a version of Wolverine where he had diamond claws. Fabulous, yes. Heterosexual, yes. Still kind of the gay character, though.

We as creators are strongly encouraged to build a platform on social media and use it to promote work-for-hire projects owned by massive corporations… but when the going gets tough, these dudes get going real quick.

Believe in the work

You may be asking if my Iceman book was any good, or if I’m just being sour grapes over a bad work experience. Believe me, I asked that, too. From the get-go, my first editor asserted that Iceman would be DOA if it were “too gay,” while also telling me to prepare for a cancellation anyway, given that most solo X-Men titles don’t last beyond a year. Never mind that my work on Iceman had gotten positive press in the New York Times (in-print), or that in spite of (since-deleted) critical sandbagging, the series nets glowing reviews on Amazon… Marvel still treated me as someone to be contained, and the book as something to be nervous about. Do you know how hard it is to not argue with a publicist when he’s explaining the value of announcing Iceman’s revival via the Marvel homepage? Sis, that’s a burial. Instead of clapping back, I just went and got myself more press from the New York Times. From there, they tightened my leash. I had to get all opportunities pre-approved, and all interviews pre-reviewed. This would be fine if it was the standard, but I assure you: none of my straight male colleagues seek permission to go on podcasts promoting their books.

What Marvel should have done is assign me a special projects editor. They should have worked with a specialty PR firm, rather than repeat a tiresome cycle of treating the book like a square peg, and getting confused when it’s a hit.

Give us a real seat at the table

There was a moment before Iceman was cancelled where I wrote then-editor-in-chief Axel Alonso an email, pleading for a Hail Mary arc. I explained that Icemanwas landing with a newer generation of readers who focused more on binge-reading than month-to-month periodicals. The series needed time in the book market before its true strength could be assessed. To Axel’s credit, he was warm to the idea and even gave me an extra month, but when he left Marvel that idea got brushed away. Of course I was right. The first two volumes sold like gangbusters thanks to word-of-mouth, librarian love, and support from retailers big and small.

When the series returned, no one at Marvel asked me: “What do you think landed with readers?” Nor did they ask the question that Axel did: “What matters to your community?” So when I wrote what I thought the fans would be into, a story about a man learning to be a better ally in the war against hate, editorial totally missed its value.

Seat at the table pt II: The Shade of it all

All of the weird drama I put up with crystallized when I created a drag queen mutant, first called Shade, now called Darkveil. I told my editor that Shade would be a big deal for X-Fans, and asked how we should promote her. He said: “leave it up to the reader’s interpretation.” Everyone at Marvel shrugged off two years of goodwill and acted like I’d coordinated behind their backs on an announcement that made headlines. Beyond mentioning on Instagram the queens who inspired the character, I didn’t coordinate shit. Of course, their head publicist can’t admit that my quotes were pre-approved from an unreleased interview. At this point, I stopped believing that there’d be any more work for me. There were so many shady moves on their end that I’m still having trouble putting into language, but it all aligned with an experience I had in retail where a corrupt manager kept lying and moving the goal posts in order to keep me selling in a department I didn’t want to work in. I offered to give Darkveil a proper character bio, and I walked away.  

I recognize that some of my complaints can be filed under “this is freelance life.” I am aware that it was not a queer person of color who joked to me that “it’s not a matter of if Marvel fucks you over, it’s a matter of when.” That came from a cis white male. The same-day turn-arounds without warning, the work emails on Christmas week… that’s the freelance bullshit. Truly, I don’t even think of this as discrimination, I call it general ineptness. It is my belief that if we are telling stories about heroes doing the right thing in the face of adversity, wouldn’t the hope be to embody those ideals as individuals? Instead of feeling like I worked with some of the most inspiring and brave people in comics, I was surrounded by cowards.

Truly, I hate writing this. In keeping with Pride Month, I am proud of the work I did on Iceman… I love the book! It sucks that I may be tarnishing its legacy going public about how the cookies were made. That said, the time for self-congratulating is over, and folks should be earnestly listening when they ask: what could we have done better?

so what’s my take.....

Personally I think the kid got used, plain and simple. Also this should not have come as a shock to anyone.

Look at how badly they treat their customers that pay them money,                  OF COURSE THEY’RE GOING TO FUCK THEIR EMPLOYEES EVERY CHANCE THEY GET. A box full of scorpions would have had more loyalty.

@thespectacularspider-girl

______________________________

little history lesson for you kids: tokyopop did practically the same thing with the rising stars of manga. They snatched up young Talent, use them, and drop them.

[eco-nnect]

From Beirut with Love: Eco-nnect in conversation with Larissa von Planta

‘For me up-cycling feels like the best and most logical way to reduce waste and damage in the fashion industry. I have so much respect for all the exciting innovation going on but this feels like the clearest, simplest solution whilst also providing employment security and protecting the local crafts of skilled artisans.’ Larissa von Planta

In the wake of the catastrophic explosion in Beirut on the 4th of August 2020, the world watched stunned as they saw recording after recording of this inconceivably destructive event in the port of Beirut.

According to seismologists at the United States Geological Survey it was the equivalent to a 3.3-magnitude earthquake, killing 210 people, injuring over 5,000 and leaving an estimated 300,000 homeless. This disaster struck amidst an already unfolding economic crisis in the country. The damage to livelihoods and industries was devastating.

A collective movement to respond to this crisis ensued all around the world from small grassroots to large scale international efforts. Among these was, Larissa von Planta, a sustainable fashion couturier, who had just left Beirut two days before the explosion. Having processed the shock of the event, Larissa quickly got to thinking how she could help the artisans she had worked with in Beirut who collectively form the Alsama Studio. Alsama is filled with the sound of needlework and women chatting, while beautifully embroidered pillows, jackets and linen shirts line the shelves of the walls adorning the rooms with colour and texture. Fatima, Alsama’s brilliant coordinator and studio manager, runs a team of exceptionally skilled women embroiderers from Syria, Lebanon and Palestine. This work is not only a precious traditional craft but also pressingly provides long-term employment stability.  

Larissa saw an opportunity to help the studio by offering needlework and up-cycling for her friends’ pre-loved items of clothing and homeware. Each friend was asked to pay a fee of £100 and send the item to a collection point in London where it was sent to Beirut to be adorned in beautiful designs. This instantly allowed Larissa to provide income and essential work to the women of Alsama. As a model this worked well and Larissa is continuing to offer dates of collection in London, Austria and Switzerland whereby anyone can send in their item of clothing or homeware along with a fixed fee of £100 and await the return of a unique piece of craftsmanship. In doing this Larissa is also tackling another cause close to her heart, that of transforming the fashion industry into a less wasteful, kinder and more sustainable business. Both a refreshing antidote to fast fashion and way of empowering artisans by giving them a working structure of employment; this is an exciting blend of conscious consumerism and sustainable solutions with an authentic and powerful story behind it. 

Larissa sadly lost her mother in April 2020 and feels that this initiative is a tribute to her mother’s energy and spirit. 

We catch up with the wonderfully talented Larissa, inspired to hear more about her, the story behind LVP x Alsama and how she envisions it will continue to grow. 

Hello Larissa, so nice to be chatting with you. Will you start by telling us a little about how this past year has been for you? 

‘In March 2020 I decided to come home to be with my Mum and my family. After my Mum passed away, the situation was getting so much worse in Beirut. Constant demonstrations and protests, often escalating into violence. It became exhausting trying to keep up a business there, so myself and many of my friends were having to consider going elsewhere. It was a very sad goodbye. I went back in mid July and gave myself 10 days to pack up and leave. I said my goodbyes, found new jobs for the tailors and seamstresses who I worked with. I left on the 2nd August and the explosion was on the 4th… where my apartment and studio were was where the destruction was worst, so it really was a miracle to have left then. The area was full of bars and cafés and beautiful old buildings. It was all a massive shock. 

So at the end of this difficult year I am doing much, much better. This project has really given a sense of focus and purpose even though it is still quite small at this stage. The work we are doing is tangibly helping 36 women in the studio. The support is there and visible and that is very motivating. There’s great potential to grow much further and help even more people. 

A lot of projects and creativity came out of the shock of the explosion. At first there was a lot of shock and denial, people insisting they were fine and emphasising how lucky they were. This was then followed by anger and demonstrations. Then a couple of weeks later people were feeling really driven to fix the place and support each other, all on their own, there was no support from the government. 

Since the protests in 2019 the situation in Lebanon was just going from worse to worse, people kept asking what was next? Whether due to accident or corruption what was coming next? And the explosion was what came next…’

What have been your keys to keeping positive during this time?

‘The main thing has been moving in with my grandparents in the mountains in Switzerland since just before Christmas, it has been so soothing. Grandparents have been through it all, they have such a relaxed attitude to life and that perspective and energy really seeps in. It has been very restful. The time here has also been such a period of construction in terms of Alsama. Despite everyone in our team being in different places around the world, I think it has actually turned out to be a more productive, connected, communicative time. We feel focussed and are able to have the space to plan ahead.’

Where is home for you?

‘London 100% feels like home, it’s where our family home is, it’s where I studied, went to primary school… I went to Central Saint Martins and Falmouth, so I do a lot of creative projects in London with friends from there which feels great. I do also feel very Swiss and Austrian, being here in the mountains has reminded me of that. It is a small village, the opposite of London in a way, it is revitalising and remote which is nice.’ 

Mountains have an incredibly restorative power I think… 

‘Yes! Do you know the book The Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann? That is based on this area… there are lots of run down Belle Epoque hotels which used to be for convalescence. So there is a feeling of nostalgia and the remnants of that energy. I read that book in Beirut and felt desperate for the setting and atmosphere of the mountains.’ 

You were very quick to think of solutions to help in the wake of the explosion in Beirut last year, what first actions did you take?

‘I managed to crowd fund £30,000 immediately for my tailors, my studio collective and Alsama. This was what spurred me on to think of the easiest, simplest way I could continue to help. So I asked my close friends to give me their shirts and jean jackets with £100 to just to see whether this would work. I went out with my father Claudio von Planta, a documentary film maker, who took amazing footage, to drop off the money we’d raised and to see the studio. I also wanted to see my friend Rym Beydoune who had been really badly injured in the explosion, with 12 fractured vertebrae, 5 broken ribs, a punctured lung and exploded spleen. She and her boyfriend had been in a shop trying on Yamamoto shirts, as it happened, and had to take three rickety old buses to try and get to the hospital. Her boyfriend, who had himself torn his Achilles tendon, nearly lost his eye from shattered glass to the head and had two broken bones in his leg was on pure adrenaline just knowing he had to get her there. Eventually they got to the hospital and she had to wait in the car park on a broken piece of wood. The moment he realised she’d be ok, Reda (her boyfriend) immediately proposed to her!’

…what a beautiful story! 

‘So that trip had been a time to really just touch base with Beirut, take footage on the camera and see how the situation was developing there. I also wanted to see how we could spend the money we had raised. I think stability is the main thing, I wanted to make sure they had work and that they were paid in dollars which is more reliable than the Lebanese Lira. There will be constant work coming, that is the assurance I wanted to provide. In terms of up-cycling it is an easy model as my work is purely operational, it’s about getting people’s clothes to Alsama. For a long time I wanted to do some sort of pret-à-porter up-cycling work but it is so difficult and time consuming to find a model that works. It is very labour intensive and expensive and a lot of factories are simply not set up in a way to do this. It had been in my mind for so long thinking how can we scale up, and Alsama is how we can, it felt very exciting to think that out of the explosion came this light bulb idea.’

It is a wonderful idea and a lot more collaborative as a process. You are putting some of the responsibility in the hands of the consumer which encourages consumers to be more proactive and consider their choices more carefully, as well as reducing labour intensity from your own supply chain. Plus this takes away the huge issue of the assumption on the consumer side that you can simply return something straight away if it’s not quite right. 

‘Yes exactly, there is a huge problem especially now after Brexit in that online shops and retailers have so much sent back because it didn’t fit and there’s this awful standard that so often items get burnt or chucked away because processing them and putting them back online is too much effort and not worth it. Here, you send your piece of clothing that you already know fits you and one woman works on it. She dedicates her time and highly refined craft into your beloved item of clothing and you don’t know what you’ll get back so there’s that lovely element of surprise. If you’re purely looking at it in a business way, it resolves a lot of the current problems in the fashion industry.’

Yes this offers solutions to so many issues from efficiency, to challenging consumer cultures, to tackling the landfill and waste problems… 

‘Sasha, one of my team members, is currently in Kenya where so many of our unwanted clothes are sent and it is flooding the markets there which also therefore drastically undermines their local textile industry. Mountains and mountains of stuff being sent off to other countries.’

And there’s the issue of all the toxins and micro-plastics of the clothes that will be polluting the systems of countries they end up in.

‘Yes exactly, for me up-cycling feels like the best and most logical way to reduce waste and damage in the fashion industry. I have so much respect for all the exciting innovation going on but this feels like the clearest, simplest solution whilst also providing employment security and protecting the local crafts of skilled artisans.’

How did you get into sustainable fashion, what has been your journey with fashion and creativity? 

‘I think we grew up with a very strong sense of sustainability, throughout my education and childhood there was an emphasis on that. Then when I went to Falmouth, everyone who studied there had a strong connection with nature because of our surroundings and being by the sea. When I got into Saint Martins, when you begin they tell you to go buy your fabric from Goldhawk Road and I just noticed the fabric quality was terrible and expensive! My family actually has a textile mill in Austria and so we have all these old, precious fabrics which are carefully stored. My grandparents eventually let me use them, saying that our generation doesn’t know how to look after things, when I was eventually allowed to use them I decided I wanted to make something special with them. So I made my whole final collection out of clothes from my grandparents and great-grandparents, things they’d owned or brought back from trips. I just noticed the quality, how precious they were, each one had a story attached to it. People who were in my family who I’d never met. For me, suddenly I noticed there was an added value to the piece, it comes from somewhere, there’s history in it. Then comes the point when you have to take that first cut into a precious textile which takes you out of the mindset of nostalgia and brings you back into the present- forcing you to think, how can I take this forward now?’

How amazing, and that touches on so many points. I agree that being handed down a piece of clothing that’s been really loved and cared for makes you respect the importance of valuing things to make them last. It also makes me think of the inherited traditional crafts used in the Alsama pieces, these customs have been handed down and cared for over generations and generations. 

‘It is lovely to be able to maintain but also keep developing that craft. In textiles, you study a craft that has existed for a long time. You get to know it very well. Especially with Palestinian embroidery, it is very powerful. I was initially drawn to it, in the old embroidery up to 100 years back, all the dyes were natural dyes made from location-specific agriculture and the motifs would be reflective of a landscape and stories that come from a specific place. So if you are abroad or in a diaspora you would recognise where people come from from their clothing, for example often in camps people’s region can be identified from the embroidery and dyes of their clothes. It is an incredibly powerful form of embroidery, and I believe still has a huge amount of potential to grow and be understood. I find the weight of history and storytelling with it fascinating and personal.’

Yes just like languages, traditional customs within cultures need to be protected and preserved in the face of pressures from globalised consumer markets. What are the particular areas within sustainable fashion that interest you most? 

‘Definitely textiles, versatility and diversity within this huge field. I always enjoyed problem solving. I was really inspired by the idea that you have this one beautiful hand-printed, hand-loomed tied silk dress. You have two and a half metres of material, and what do you do with it? I just love that challenge, thinking of ways to revive these pieces. How can we take this forward and make it useful again rather than leave it sitting in a cupboard? I like to think whoever owned it in the past would be happy with my bringing it to life again. I really enjoy having those restrictions, but using that to stir on creativity.’

What brought you to Beirut? 

‘In 2020, I had a placement year from University so I went to Vienna and São Paulo and then my friend Rym, who I studied with at Saint Martins, asked whether I wanted to come to Beirut at the end of my year for a month to help with a project she was doing and I jumped at the opportunity. It was August, it was incredibly hot, there were the ‘You Stink!’ protests happening which were anti-corruption protests at these huge piles of rubbish all around Beirut because of mis-management. Despite that I immediately fell in love with the city. It’s a very inviting city, day one you make friends, it’s a very warm place where you’re very quickly taken along. In Vienna it had taken me longer to settle and make friends so the contrast was amazing. It feels dynamic, I was fascinated by all the energy coming out of it. I was approached by INAASH who wanted to refresh what they were doing and another called Bokja. I returned after my studies in the UK to see whether these things would turn into anything which they did slowly but surely. I started doing my first commissions, and on the back of that, I felt like I could make it work, starting my own small atelier. Then I found The Mansion, which was this incredible studio space in an old villa in the heart of Beirut. Full of charm, crumbling but beautiful. Strong sense of community, creativity, such dynamism. It had a very pleasant, happy pace. I was really taken into that community. It was very touching how welcomed I was.’

That sounds quite wonderful, are lots of your friends still there? 

‘Well… they decided they would stay to ensure the collective was safe, it’s a very precious community which is very rare. It was a hub of culture, filled with amazing artists and designers, they hosted lectures and so on. So whilst it is certainly difficult, they are committed to protecting it.’

What are some of your favourite things about Beirut? 

‘Whilst I was there, I think it was the social life, the night life, the fact that everything is quite late. You could work until 9.30pm and then spontaneously make a plan and meet somebody in a bar or restaurant. I love how you can be late! It was so pleasant and relaxed. Being on the beach with grilled fish and arak, summers there were heaven. My studio space was such a treasure, all the people I met there. I think mostly though, it’s the friendships, life long friends who will be with me forever. I had such a lovely flatmate. Very special memories, very dynamic place, a night out can start in one place and end up in no idea where. Sadly the mood there right now is pretty down, it is such a social place so lockdown and restrictions really lowers morale.’ 

This all sounds really sublime, especially after a long Winter in the UK! I am sure that energy will return… 

‘I hope so, I think it will come back, I just wonder what passages the country will have to go through to get there.’ 

Well you are certainly playing a positive part of that process through this project. How did you come to meet the Alsama Studio in Beirut? 

‘I met them in 2019, the studio had just opened and they didn’t know how well it would work. Mike Ziervogel had just left an NGO where she was working to work on Alsama Studio, she took a risk to start up her own thing. We were the first commission the studio had, it was an up-cycling project with The Pink House Mustique, a beautiful swimwear company. They had lots of dead stock and so we embroidered them, a lovely collection of 13 shirts. They (Alsama) are so reliable, they price in advance and are ready to get on with it. They are such a good team. They have very high standards, so they are a pleasure to work with.’ 

What were your initial thoughts when beginning the LVP x Alsama project?

‘After the horror of the explosion, I like so many others questioned what I could do. I realised provision of work was one of the most obvious solutions. So that is when I began asking friends for their clothes, got them embroidered, agreed on pricing, and it went quickly from there. The first collection in August we had 36 items, since them we've collected 200 items, and through all this the studio has received $5,000. Out of shock comes a purely practical, pragmatic response.’

What do you see LVP x Alsama growing into?

‘I’d like to take this further, get more people to send their clothes to be embroidered. It’s simple really.’ 

Is there a favourite item or memorable piece that sticks out for you and why?

‘For me, there was one moment, when all the items came back around Christmas time. Each piece was a total surprise, there were some that just really stood out. You can tell that the person working on it was really inspired. This one amazing beach dress we made for Mel Giedroyc and that came out so beautifully. We did a bit of research and saw that she wore a lot of reds, pinks and warm colours so we focussed on that. I love it when people give us colours that they love so we explore that. That’s what I find so touching about craftsmanship, the amount of time and love that goes into each piece.’ 

How can the fashion industry continue to revolutionise the way it works to better protect its workers and the planet?

‘I look at it from the very specific angle of up-cycling, I have this view that if tomorrow we decided not to make any more clothes we’d be absolutely fine. However I realise how huge this industry is and the amount of jobs that would be at stake, compounded with the climate crisis and all these other pressures. I would love to see more ways of reducing production involving newly made materials, and more people thinking about how growth can come from that. You need to keep people in work and provide stability, so we need to be reworking and transforming systems that already exist. Up-cycling could provide a lot of work I think, there’s so much potential on different levels to offer work in new forms.’

…if you could wave a magic wand? 

‘I would like people to think more critically about what is being sold to them, to demand better products. To be less enchanted with fast fashion and more so with the transformation of existing systems into safer and better places to work, retraining people in traditional crafts from their local areas and therefore upscale our Alsama model to a replicable and sustainable model around the world. We all love new items, but if that could be reduced to one or two things a year and more treasured, better made and longer-lasting - that would be my vision.’ 

What are you most inspired by at the moment? 

‘With regards to the project: colours and colour theory I find really exciting. I’m also looking at different crafts and finding absolute treasures. Even here in the Engadine Valley I found a great-aunt of mine who crochets to a very precise and fine level- to discover people who really practice a refined craft is wonderful. There’s also a lot of monasteries who produce their own things, so discovering these unique crafts and considering how we could work with them that is something I find really inspirational now… I think of course another big thing is thinking about how we can make this a good business and continue to develop the concept of Alsama- that is my big passion at the moment.’

Any books, podcasts, films or music you’re loving at the moment? 

‘To switch off I listen to Seven Deadly Sins by Stephen Fry, he looks at the seven deadly sins but brings them into modern context, analysing why we sin and how we do it and it is so brilliantly written and put together I honestly enjoyed it so much. That’s been my biggest enjoyment lately. 

Then I love going through the Desert Island Discs Archives, more than the new ones in fact, and one of my favourites is Nile Rodgers of Chic. His life story is incredible, so inspiring and touching. He is such a dynamic and positive guy, a real joy to listen to. He had a really tough childhood and overcame adversity to have the most phenomenal career- he is so driven.’  

… and which have inspired you most throughout your life? 

‘The Chess Player by Stefan Zweig, the way he tells stories, especially in short form. My mum introduced me to him when I was young and he is such an amazing writer. That’s the most important one for me I think.’

—

Please visit Larissa’s website and Instagram @lvp_x_alsama to see how you can get involved with the Alsama Project and send off your items of clothing to be up-cycled. 

[acciomatthewdavelewis]

Matthew Lewis Discuss His ITV 'Girlfriends' Character

HelloGiggles has released a new interview with Matthew Lewis talking about his character Tom in Kay Mellor’s new drama Girlfriends.

HelloGiggles: What excited you about the role of Tom, and Girlfriends as a show?

Matthew Lewis: I’ve worked with Kay several times before, and she has consistently — throughout actually my entire life — been turning out some wonderful television in the U.K., which has always championed not only my area, my hometown [of Leeds], and the whole region of Yorkshire, but also championed very real northern working class people who are very rarely seen on television. Probably more so now than ever before, but historically very, very rarely seen on television — particularly on this side of the pond [the U.S.], when all people tend to see is James Bond or Sherlock Holmes and London and that kind of world. Kay has always been a keen champion of the north.

So when she sent me the scripts for this, I devoured them very, very quickly. Then I called her up and I told her that I was a fan of the series. She explained [Tom’s story] to me, and [she had] such a passion for this one. I mean, she’s passionate about every story that she writes, but this one felt like it had more of her in it than any of the previous ones ever had — her and her friends. She said herself, it was a real passion project for her.

I think that Tom is just so incredibly relatable to so many people. Previews or character descriptions, I don’t think do him justice. I think that people have to watch it to really appreciate Tom because he’s a good man. He really is. He has a good soul and he means well. But, he’s been so doted on by his mother that he is incapable of taking control of his own life. He’s incredibly selfish at times and he doesn’t think. And, he’s irresponsible and immature. He’s not capable of looking after his son. But, he tries. He does try.

This series is a real journey for him, of maturity, and the relationship between mother and son and when a mother dotes on her son too much. When is the time to draw the line? How far is too far? … That’s what we see between them. It’s very interesting, very tender at times, explosive other times, and it’s a really interesting journey for both characters.

What can we expect from Tom, looking ahead? Will there be a confrontation between Tom and his mother, with her drawing that line with him?

Absolutely. Gail is attempting to get her soon-to-be ex-husband to not divorce her and that is very difficult with Tom because Tom and Dave have never seen eye-to-eye — probably because Dave tells Tom like it is. It’s something that Tom actually knows. It’s the idea that Tom knows that he pushes it too far. He knows that he dumps everything on his mother. But, he doesn’t want to admit [that] to himself yet. So when Dave comes around and tells him like it is, he reacts badly to that because he knows it’s true. Tom will never change. He will constantly blame other people until his mother calls him out on it. When he realizes he’s got no one to blame but himself. But, while he [has the] support of his mother, he’ll constantly think other people are the problem.

This obviously [will] have to change and that is where we’ll go. We’ll start to see Gail become much more empowered, believing in herself — she’s not just an old woman ready to be thrown on the scrap heap. She’s got so much more to offer. She’s stronger than that. That’s her journey, which obviously encompasses both Tom and Dave, and how their relationship will have to improve because Tom can no longer be selfishly thinking of himself. I think the thing that a lot of…children tend to do, they forget that their parents had entire full lives before they came along, that their parents have needs and wants and dreams and aspirations and it comes to a point where you have to stop being so selfish and start thinking of other people for a change.

Part of what’s so great about the show is you have these three mature women in the lead, which is, unfortunately, all too rare. You mentioned Gail finding her strength, but can you expand on how the show empowers women?

It’s a real thing at the minute, obviously. The fact that they’re women, straight off the bat. We may well be seeing more female leads on our TVs than there ever has been, but it’s still not parity; it’s still not equal. We still got a long way to go in so many aspects, which has become abundantly clear in the last few months, that we have a long way to go. So I think just the fact that it’s [led by] three strong women is wonderful. But, also, there’s an age issue. Whether it’s in all life — I can’t speak for every industry, but particularly in our industry — there is a belief that men can continue well into whatever age they want to continue into, whereas women are often unceremoniously, as I said before, tossed on the scrap heap, whether it’s in news anchoring or in Hollywood movies. That’s something that needs to change.

Kay said herself in the read through…”Women so often, particularly women of that age, are playing people’s mothers or people’s secretaries.” Or whatever, she was making all these different [references to] women always having to play these supporting roles. And she went, “But it’s never been,” as far as she was concerned, “the men supporting these women, having all the women lead, the men be their husbands and be their sons and be their secretaries and all that kind of thing.” Finally, in this, she said, “That’s what I’m doing. It’s the men that are the supporting here, and the women are all focus.” I thought that was wonderful. You’ve got three astonishingly good actresses to play these roles. It’s something that everyone’s concerned about actually, male and female. But, in our society, it seems to be much more of a concern for women, unfortunately.

Everyone’s worried about getting old, and your relevance in society. The world is moving so fast now. You can see it with the way people vote, for crying out loud. It’s an entire generation of people who feel like they’re being ignored or they’re no longer wanted or they’re being left behind. It’s just wonderful that Kay is writing a thing that empowers those people. Not really empowers, just something for them to relate to, to feel like they’re actually being represented on TV. I think it’s great. I think the more diversity of this kind of thing that we can get, the better it will be in the long term.

What have you taken away from working with these powerhouse ladies? Did they impart any advice to you? Or, is there anything that you observed through their performances, or through Kay’s writing?

I’m still very much learning my craft. I came out of Harry Potter at 21. I felt that I had to start on the bottom rung of the ladder and really learn. Being on Harry Potter was a breeze, in truth. It was very comfortable. I played [Neville] for a long time. I was comfortable in the role, and knew everyone on set. I knew coming out of that, that comfort would all be gone and I’d have to start afresh from the ground up. That’s what I intended on doing.

I spent the last seven, eight years, trying to hone my craft and do theater, do television, do film, do all different schools of acting to try and learn as much as possible. And, this is an opportunity to watch three women who have an extensive career of brilliant work that spans all mediums of the craft. I got to sit there for weeks and watch ’em do it, and it was fabulous. I’m always learning. I’m always absorbing as much as I can.

I’ll tell you one thing that I think of more than anything is that these three are all leading ladies. When I say that, I don’t mean in terms of their acting credentials or their abilities, which is not up for debate. I’m talking about the way they lead. It’s a responsibility that anyone who wants to play a leading man or a leading woman in any film, TV [show], or whatever has to have. They are leaders, and the environment on a set is taken by them. The environment that those three created was wonderful. It was such a pleasure to come into work. It was so much fun. It was so relaxed. It was so enjoyable.

They had mountains of dialogue. Kay writes very wordy stuff that moves at such a pace that it’s hard to keep up as a viewer, never mind the person trying to learn the dialogue. Things are happening all the time, and it never felt pressured. It never felt like anyone was struggling or finding it difficult. Everyone was just having so much fun. I think that’s a testament to the material, of course, because it was a lot of fun to perform. But, it’s a testament to those three women and their ability to lead, and to make everyone feel comfortable and enjoy their time.

[thecrookedgavel]

The Black Box Readings - Ep 2 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 2 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. I want to start off by thanking you for coming back for episode 2. It means a great deal to me. Last time we were introduced to Emmy and started getting into her story. But also, we got into some personal anecdotes from me… Some very personal anecdotes, actually. So a little peek behind the curtain, I’m recording this before the release of episode 1, but I showed an unmastered version to some of my friends and they all thought my little stories really added something to the episode. Which is good, because I felt really empowered by it, even if I didn’t really plan on sharing so much about me. 

If you haven’t heard episode 1 yet, I would really recommend taking the time to do so before continuing, but here’s a brief summary of what was covered:

Let’s see, we met our hero Emmy, and we learned that she’s a visual artist, and learned a bit about her being bi-polar and deaf. We also saw some hints of her being a trans lesbian. We come back into the swing of things with a frequently asked questions post as a response to the messages she received after her last post, titled:

“(Unfortunately) FAQ

Thank you for your attempts at cheering me up. I appreciate it, even though some things that were said were not helpful at all. Rather than replying to each of you individually, I decided to make a FAQ. Let’s get into them, shall we?

-You’re deaf? Why don’t you wear hearing aids?

Sorry, it’s not that simple. With the amount of deaf I am, I still can’t understand speech, even with hearing aids. So they’re basically pointless.

-Why don’t you get cochlear implants? Isn’t that the cure for being deaf?

There’s no easy fix for being deaf. Even with cochlear implants, you “hear” in a totally different way, and it’s taxing and torture from what I hear. Plus, my dad says we can’t afford them. I don’t know if I would want to have them if we could tbh. It all seems pretty scary if you ask me.

-Do you have a deaf accent when you talk? I know what you mean, but please don’t call it that. I’m not from the country of “Deaf”, so I wouldn’t call it an accent. But yeah, I talk funny, if that’s what you’re asking

-Are you able to lip read?

Yeah, I can. I’m ok at it, but I can really only follow one on one conversations. Any more than that, and I get lost easily. I understand the most when someone articulates and talks slowly for me.

-Wow, you’re really brave! I would kill myself if I couldn’t listen to music.

Gee, thanks. I’m glad you think my life isn’t worth living. There’s nothing brave about it, I just do what I can, and try not to beat myself up too badly. 

-Why not take medication for being bi-polar?

Honestly, it’s complicated. Being on tumblr is what made me realize that I’m bi-polar, not a doctor or anything. So there’s no one I can get meds from. Legally, at least, lol. My dad refuses to accept what I’m going through is a mental illness, he just thinks that I have behavioral problems. That I’m just doing all this to spite him or something. So I’m sort of stuck without meds for the time being. “

She can be very sassy, can’t she? There’s a bit of cleverness to her responses. No swearing or name calling, those things are just implied. It’s nice that she calls out the ableist rhetoric that disabled people are better off dead. It was heartwarming to see, when I originally read this post, that she does believe she has value as a person, even if it is sort of buried at the moment under the doom and gloom of her previous post. 

She also talks about how her Dad can’t pay, or maybe even won’t pay for cochlear implants, and refuses to get her psychiatric medication. I’m not the biggest fan of her Dad, to be honest, and why will become clearer as we progress through Emmy’s blog. In fact, our next post is about an interaction between the two of them. 

“Got mad at my Dad today

God, I’m so PISSED OFF, you don’t even know. My Dad is being his usual tyrannical self again. He never lets me do anything! Ok, so I just wanted to go to the corner store and pick up a few things we were missing around the house, nothing major, right? I wanted to be helpful, you know? But as I walk out the door, he grabs my shoulder and pulls me back into the house. He YELLS at me, even though he KNOWS I can’t understand him when he does that. After a while of telling him to stop yelling, he finally starts talking slowly for me. He told me that it’s not safe for me to leave the house on my own. That I might get hurt, kidnapped, or worse. I told him that I’d be fine, and that he needs to stop being so controlling all the time. Then he started quoting the Bible at me, I hate it when he does that. Something about the 10 commandments and how I’m supposed to honor him, idk. I know I’m supposed to believe it all, being I’m the son of a pastor, and all that. But I’m seriously an atheist, ok? I just don’t believe in God, fate, or any of it. Anyway, I hate to admit it, but he’s probably right. Not being able to hear a car coming does scare me a lot. Thanks for reading, rant over. “

This is one of many rants that made their way onto Emmy’s blog. I think she was able to use it to feel better about the negative things in her life. You can see at the end that she’s much calmer than she was at the beginning of the post, even going so far as to actually agree with her Dad. Though I get not wanting your child to get hurt, I don’t think he should have pulled her back into the house physically like that. And yelling on top of that? It all rubs me the wrong way. Though they’re not the reasons I truly dislike him. Unfortunately, those will come by in full force later on. 

Oh, I realize I haven’t given an anecdote yet, sorry about that. Let’s see… umm…  I guess I can really relate with the struggle of wanting to be independent. I’ve been really sick for more than 10 years now, and we had a lot of trouble getting a diagnosis. It’s looking like it’s all due to a concussion I had in my teens. I’m getting treated now, and things are looking up, actually! There’s a lot of hope with me. 

But before that, I actually had the opposite dynamic as Emmy. My parents would really push me to be independent, but I had sort of accepted where I was with my level of dependency. I couldn’t do things like exercise, laundry, or even make my own food, even on my best days, without feeling absolutely terrible afterwards. Certain movements would basically knock me out for the rest of the day. This lead to terrible sleep cycles, and my parents would get really upset with me for not appearing “normal.” I think it looked to them like I wasn’t making an effort, when in truth, I wasn’t normal and I was doing exactly what I could every day. It sort of came to a boiling point with them not understanding, and I sort of had to move out and get my own place to stop it from getting truly awful, honestly. It was hard, for a lot of reasons, including money reasons, but that’s a story for another time, I think. 

But back to Emmy herself, I guess we really haven’t talked about her religious views yet. She went into a bit of detail in an earlier post, but in the end, I decided to omit it from the podcast. Mostly because the core of it is present here. She doesn’t believe in God or predeterminism, and she has a real disdain for The Bible. It’s probably from oversaturation, to be honest? Like, grow up with a super religious parent, and you’re bound to want to rebel as a teen. Though I find it kind of funny that she says she doesn’t believe in fate, it’s not strictly a religious concept, and bit of a spoiler, but she ends up changing her mind on that front later on.

Next up is a post where Emmy talks about her aspirations and future goals. She wants to be a full time artist, and take the steps necessary to get there. She wants something more out of life, which is pretty natural for a teen. It’s why the “princess wanting more” story is told time and time again. Anyways, the post is titled:

“I Want To Do Art

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future recently, and I’ve been feeling pretty bored just sitting around doing whatever lately. I want to work for a living, but I know I can’t really do that without leaving the house. I want to be an artist. Like an animator or an illustrator. Something like that. It’s something I’m perfectly capable of doing, even if I can’t hear. I know my art needs work before I can make a job out of it, but I think that’s what I want out of life. 

I passed high school last year, even if I was homeschooled, it still counts! I don’t know what kind of art school would take me, and I understand that I’m disabled, but my Dad won’t even let me look for an art school. He just won’t fucking listen to me! He thinks I’m just going to sit at home and do nothing for the rest of my life, like some sort of fucking pet! I’m so sick of him! He’s so goddamn controlling and I fucking hate him for it! I don’t know what to live for if I can’t be an artist, tbh…”

Honestly, this is an upsetting post to me, for a number of reasons. It sort of gives me a flashback to high school, which never sounds good, but bear with me. I was told by someone I really looked up to, my acting teacher, that I’d never make it as an actor because of my hearing loss. He encouraged me that I could still work in theater, like being a stage manager, but the damage was kind of done. I always thought that he believed in me, he would give me opportunities like assistant director on several projects. I got a good amount of experience working with him. Maybe he believed I was better suited to being a director, which is something I have been doing, directing my own projects, like The Crooked Gavel. But I also have been voice acting, which is acting, right? Actually, talking through this has made me realize that he would be proud of me. I think he would be happy to have been proven wrong. I actually feel a lot better now. Interesting.

Anyways, where were we? *light chuckle* Right, so I think Emmy has the right to resent her Dad in this case. It sounds like he’s not trying to meet her halfway, not even trying to look into an art school for the disabled. To me, it seems like he just doesn’t want to let go of the idea of Emmy as his child. She’s growing up, and he’s kind of refusing to see it. There’s also the aspect that he might be embarrassed of her, which… *sigh* more on that later. 

---

Moving on, here’s another post accompanied by a piece of art. It’s… well it’s part of the reason why her previous post upsets me. Because I remember this post along side of it. If I had a copy of the picture, I’d probably have to warn you first. It was really dark. So, onto the post, titled:

“Here’s how I feel

I feel so trapped and small”

*Sigh* And I’ll try my best to give you a description from memory. I stared at it for a long time, I recall. I remember a figure wrapped in chains. The art style had a very dream-like quality to it, the colours all dark and texture sort of… messy? *Sigh* Anyway, the person in chains had tears streaming from her eyes, and no mouth. The chains lead upwards into puppet strings to those marionette-style crosses. It was good art, but knowing who was behind it, it really scared me. Especially since she hinted in her previous post that she might not see anything to live for. She felt so trapped and like she didn’t have a voice. So I thought it over, and I decided to message her words of encouragement. This was our first interaction. 

I told her that I loved looking at her art, and that it brought me a lot of joy when she came up on my dashboard. That I was half deaf, and although I couldn’t get the full picture, I got some of her struggle. I encouraged her that her art was already good enough for commissions without art school. 

I’m sure she got a lot of messages like mine, because she never responded directly. Instead, she posted this message on her blog the next day.

“Got a lot of messages

A ton of people messaged me to give me words of encouragement after my post yesterday. I’m sorry I worried everyone, I just needed an outlet to express myself, you know? But people also messaged me to tell me that I’m good enough already to do commissions without art school. I don’t think you’re right, but I’ll think about setting something up. My Dad probably won’t let me make a paypal, but maybe you can pay me in Steam games or something, idk?”

A little later, she reblogged the post and said: “Everyone sending me messages and words of encouragement, thank you! It really means a lot”

I was really happy that I reached out to her, and due to what she posted, It felt more or less like she was thanking me directly. By this point, I was invested in her struggle, and I made sure I’d always message her again if she needed me to. 

Alright, we’ve made it to the last post of the episode. It’s kind of exciting, because it’s the mark of a really good thing happening in Emmy’s life. It’s well deserved, and I remember being very happy for her whenever a post of this type came up. I don’t want to spoil it, but I guess the title kind of does that for me, *chuckle* It’s titled:

“I Think I Met Someone

I was playing a lot of Overwatch today, what else is new? LOL. It was the first comp game of the day, and we got Anubis. So I instalocked Mercy like I always do. Anyway, me and the Dva player, her name was EmeraldSkies, were wrecking face together. It was pretty great, actually! Obviously I wasn’t in voice chat, as that would be a whole lot of useless. People usually get mad at me for it, and try and force me to join, but she was chill about it. After the game ended (in a win for us, of course) I got a friend request from her, so I accepted. We ended up chatting for a bit, and then we ended up duoing for a while. I really liked playing with her, and she didn’t pressure me at all to join chat, even if my excuse for why I couldn’t was half assed. 

I had to go eat lunch after a while, I gave her my discord and she actually accepted! After I got back online, we talked for a bit, and it was really fun! Idk, she’s just so upbeat and seems so deep. Plus she’s totally not at all judgemental. I really really like her already, is that weird?”

See, I told you it would be exciting! I’m personally a big fan of instant connections. *Sigh* I’ve had a few really intense ones in my life, and they’re always something else. I choose to think of this interaction between her and EmeraldSkies as one of those instant connections, rather than Emmy jumping the gun about developing feelings. There’s just so many people in Overwatch at any given time that running into any given person is pretty rare. She doesn’t talk about it yet, but this may be the point where she starts to question whether or not she believes in fate. Though, I’m sure that’ll be something we talk about later on.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! Again, I have no idea what sort of reception the first episode received, since I’m recording this before it releases. I tried to match the energy of the first episode today, and I hope my personal rants mix well with the readings. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

[momkiddies-blog]

Latest Post On https://momandkids.fun/2019/03/11/five-things-to-remember-when-your-kid-behaves-badly/

Five Things To Remember When Your Kid Behaves Badly

You’re waiting in line to check out with your one item. It’s a quick errand that you decided to squeeze in right before lunch. The mom in front of you has her toddler with her and she’s mid-tantrum and purposely knocking items off of the register display onto the floor. The toddler is inconsolable and irrational. The mom is frazzled. She can’t find the receipt for her return in her giant mom bag. Her daughter doesn’t care. The mom stops rummaging in her purse for the receipt and tries to distract her with something shiny. No luck. The toddler begins screaming…pushing up against her moms’ legs and generally making everyone uncomfortable. You watch the whole situation unfold from two feet away. You can SEE how the mom is doing the best that she can. You can SEE that the toddler is acting out and treating her mom, the one safe person in the building, with contempt and disrespect. You can SEE that she’s probably hungry or tired. She’s only three and it’s easy to remember that her brain hasn’t made all of those super important connections in her frontal lobe to cause her to realize that her behavior isn’t socially appropriate. From where you’re standing, the whole situation, while unfortunate, makes a lot of sense.

Now insert yourself as the mom with the screaming toddler. All of those things that you could SEE as the bystander are fuzzy and unclear. Your heart rate jumps up 20 beats per minute and you suddenly feel like the entire world is waiting on you to be able to continue to spin. You suddenly feel ashamed and embarrassed…as if it’s all your fault. From where you’re standing now, the whole situation makes no sense at all.

Mamas, we’ve all been there. Yes?

I spent the first few years of my motherhood a frazzled mess anytime my children misbehaved. I’d feel all the yucky feelings…annoyance, shame and guilt, frustration and anger, and embarrassment. “Why can’t they just behave?!” I’d desperately wonder. I even retreated a bit into isolation, closing myself off from a seemingly judgmental and unforgiving outside world because that felt easier than risking these painful interactions.

My friends, I was so wrong.

Unlike any generation before, we have no shortage of knowledge, research and opinions available to us when it comes to raising our children. Opinions on sleep training. Opinions on pacifiers. Opinions on disciplinary methods. Opinions on screen time. Opinions on opinions.

All kinds of opinions from the outside world coming in and telling us that we need to do this job perfectly.

So in parenting, when something goes wrong, we jump to the research. We consult the all-knowing internet. We read books to try to figure out just where we got it wrong and how to fix it immediately. Maybe you’ve stumbled here because you’re stressed about your child’s bad behavior and are unsure about how to handle it.

I sought out all the opinions on fixing the behavior of my children. But there were a few things that NOBODY was saying about dealing with bad behavior. I’m here to say FIVE of them.

Bad behavior is NORMAL. It’s inevitable that every single child will have moments of rebellion and disobedience during the first 18 years of their lives…oh and beyond. Normalcy does NOT equal acceptability, but it’s important to remember that our kids will naturally act out. Every kid is different, so some will be super creative and do it in ways that will shock and surprise us. What we shouldn’t be surprised by is the fact that they’re rebelling in some way, shape or form.

Bad behavior is a result of something DEEPER. You mama, are the one person with the most insight into the mind and heart of your child. You know how they tick. You know if they’re hungry or tired. You know that your daughter is less emotionally developed or that your son has a speech delay that could be causing frustration. You know if they slept poorly last night (because you probably did too). You know about that friendship at school that’s been strained for the past month. You have more information than anyone to help them work it out.

I found that I was always taking it personal when my kids acted up. Don’t take it personal! It’s not about you 99% of the time. You’re just the easy target because you’re their mom. You’re their safe place. The one who will love them no matter what.

Bad behavior does not always equal bad parenting. Remember before you had kids and anytime you saw a badly behaved child, you assumed it was the result of poor parenting? Surely I wasn’t the only naive one who made those incorrect judgments. We could parent perfectly and our children might still grow up and choose a path of foolishness. Just find an empty-nester or two and you can confirm. This job we’re doing makes no guarantees. So just because your child is losing his mind in the checkout line doesn’t always mean that you’re to blame.

We are their COACHES. Our kids need to be taught EVERYTHING. From how to brush their teeth to how to fold and put away their clothes, how to drive a car and how to fill out a college application. So far, I’ve found kids to be mostly incapable of figuring things out on their own without at least some instruction or pointing in the right direction. They also seem to need the EXACT SAME STATEMENTS repeated ad nauseum at times. We cannot expect them to know all the things. We are their coaches. Their role models. Their cheerleaders. It is our responsibility to teach them, not to sit back and assume they’ll figure it out themselves. If we don’t, someone else will and it may not be someone that you’d choose.

My very favorite phrase to use with my kids when they misstep is “Try Again”. It’s simple and direct and it gives them another chance to figure it out themselves. It shows them that I believe in them. It shows them that I’m on their team, hoping for them to make the right choice. It shows them grace without tolerance of misbehavior. You may not continue this behavior…try again.

Whining… “Try again”

Throwing toys… “Try again”

Hitting a sibling… “Try again”

Losing temper… “Try again”

Running away in a parking lot… “Try again”

And then, of course, there are times that they don’t want to try again…

EMOTIONLESS Consequences. Consequences should be matter-of-fact, planned out and calmly executed. 1+1=2…always. It’s not an emotional thing. “You did this…so here’s the consequence. Done.” Take the emotion out.

We should always believe the best about our children while also having the foresight to expect them to misstep. Expect obedience but also plan ahead for those times of disobedience so that you’re not caught off-guard. Plan your consequences ahead of time for disobedience and ALWAYS follow through. Foresight keeps your emotions at bay.

So what now?

So maybe none of this is new information for you. But it’s certainly a lot easier on paper then it is to execute in real life, yes? I’m a big fan of repeating truth over and over though. It helps it to stick and influence our thinking…and it proves my point about needing to hear things more than once before they sink in, even as adults. As I remind myself of these five things more and more, I find that I can parent more objectively and effectively in the tough moments. The moments that threaten my blood pressure to rise and my feelings to bruise.

So mama, when your sweet child who you love more than the air in your own lungs is acting out in the most ridiculously inappropriate ways that you could never have dreamed up yourself…lean in.

Lean in and let her know that you’re not going anywhere.

Remember that she is not the sum of her behavior. Remember that something else is going on underneath the surface. Remember that you are not to blame. Remember your role as her coach, her cheerleader and her safe place.  

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About lesliekvas

Hi friends! I’m Leslie Kvasnicka (ka-vas-ni-cka). I’m a born and raised Texas girl about to celebrate 10 years of marriage to my love Justin. After a two year adventure together in New York, we settled in Austin seven years ago in 2012. In my former life, I worked as a pediatric nurse, and I’m now spending my days as a Stay-at-home-mom to our three crazy kids…two brave and fun-loving boys, Logan (7) and Colt (2) with a feisty sister, Reese (4) in the middle. My list of favorites is a mile long, including cooking new recipes, group fitness classes, vacations with friends, creative projects, creamy coffee, the enneagram, patios covered in twinkle lights and texting in gifs. Hilarious memes are my love language. My true passions that make my heart beat fast are my faith in Jesus and the authentic relationships that speak life into our lives. I manage a blog that is all about empowering and celebrating the beauty of motherhood and building up the family unit. . Follow along with my lovely little squares on instagram @kvas.chaos and on our blog www.kvaschaos.com

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear friend, 

I haven’t written in a long time. I’m feeling lonely now, and i’ve just read old primary school journals and i realised, i’ve been feeling lonely since childhood. my best friends were books, and my first real best friends came in sec sch, which was messy and hard to understand. 

i’m going through a hard day today. there’s so many things to figure out. i feel like i could fall apart and break down any second, my chest was hurting and i laid in bed almost the whole day. at least i managed to get some working out done which i’m proud of myself for. i’m debating on philosophical things like what’s right and wrong, what’s good and bad, and i can’t find an answer. i wonder why i cannot get along with my family and i wonder if it is something i should let go of (that’s what i really want to do, move out), or i should do something about it like tell them how i want to be treated or fight back. 

i know my parents care for me, but they do it in such intrusive ways. the whole house runs on my mother’s mood, which switches like lightning. one moment she’s hugging and praising me, and a few seconds later she finds something she doesn’t like about the house, and starts berating us for being lazy and useless and saying she doesn’t understand how we are able to live like this. my dad is slightly better because he gives me space and respects my privacy, so i am more willing to go to him whenever i have problems, and he is more patient and open to jokes. however, i don’t like whenever he pressurises me to tell him what’s wrong or something, because i always need time to process things on my own first. and looking at my primary school journals, i have been processing things on my own for a very long time. my mom is temperamental and she pressurises me to talk to her and show affection to her, and then the next second she’s shouting again. sometimes i joke with her and she turns it into another nagging session. and during the times where i did actually want to tell her something, she usually responds in a way that was insulting, disregarding or useless. then she asks me why i don’t tell her anything, or whether i even love her at all. i don’t know how to answer that. i have given up going to her for advice. my sister seems to be making peace by being the one that acts cute and tolerates her bullshit. 

i know that her as my mother, i should be a filial and obedient daughter and idk listen to her because “its for my own good” and she does care, its not like she doesn’t care. in fact, she’s nagging and scolding because she cares. but i just wish she did it in a more productive and less dictative manner, because whenever she lets her anger gets the better of her, it just comes off badly to me. even her frustration at herself makes me frustrated. why is there a need to project your frustration outwards? if we are all expected to swallow our frustration when it comes to you, then why can’t you control your own anger? it doesn’t seem fair to me. but alot of times, it is difficult to act solely based on what you think is fair or unfair, especially when these people are hierachically higher than you --- your parents, bosses, etc. people who can make your life more miserable and hard than it already is. 

i always hesitate telling people about my life and my hardships, because i know many have it harder than me, and i know i am blessed and all etcetc, my family is financially well, i have a stable career ahead, etcetc. i’m just always unhappy at home unless i am alone. and with the recent coronavirus situation, i’m with my family at home 24/7, which is extremely tiring. i’m living my life by their timetable and their rules. lunch is cooked at noon today and i woke up in a bad mood, because i was woken up DUE to lunch. it frustrated me that i can’t even wake up at a time i want to wake up, because lunch is cooked and i have to eat it, whether or not i wanted to eat that and at that time. then i got scolded for talking back because i flared up at my sister who nagged at me that my food was getting cold --- i never wanted the food anyway! 

i really want to move out. i wish i could. but its too bad that in my country and my racial norms, children don’t move out until they get married and buy their own house. i don’t even know if houses are for rent for teenagers or even if its cheap enough for fresh grads to rent in my country. 

however, could it be that these problems are easily blamed onto others and i could do something to help it? maybe i should work on my self-confidence and communication skills, assert my needs in a diplomatic way and somehow bring peace and harmony into the famliy? i have no idea. it always feels like i’m being ungrateful whenever i blame things on my mom, but she really seems to be the issue. even my sister, who is my main confidante, isn’t helping because ever since she started working, she has somehow gotten closer to my mom and i don’t understand why and how. 

i know i am a very “righteous” person in that i cannot stand injustice and unfairness, and i get angry whenever people are not treated the way they should or people don’t behave kindly. its more about kindness i think. but also i wonder if whilst they are unkind, perhaps i could be kind? i think that led to my career choice too, but that is another matter altogether. 

i’m just never sure what is wrong and right anymore, or who is good and bad. everyone would like to think that they’re good and what they do is right, but not everyone is. and what if i’m one of them? 

i just want to do the right thing, and be a good person. but not at the expense of going against my values, what i believe in, and how i think i should be treated, and the life i want to live. it may seem rebellious or immature, but i really want to live a life of my own, and i don’t want to be held back by something so fickle as someone’s mood -- that is usually linked to how she feels about herself. i really couldn’t care less. its unfair that the whole famliy has to cater to her just because she gets frustrated with herself and things around her. 

but then again, kindness? ? ? giving people a chance to explain themselves and being open to the idea that all these may come from a good place, unless consistent actions proves us wrong? 

i find it difficult to wrap my head around the concept of “bad people”, but perhaps there may just be people that you will never be able to get along with? which is another concept that i try not to believe, because in my line of work, i have to get along with ALL types of people. however, i hope i can keep things professional and not let things like personality get in the way. i think my previous supervisor wasn’t exactly professional, because she gave feedback on my personality as opposed to my competence, which is not something she has the right to judge. But then again, in my line of work, you need to have a good character -- which i have, but she refused to see and/or misunderstood, simply because idk, i was self-conscious and awkward whilst being self-righteous, so it came off as disrespectful and uncaring. i’m not sure how else i could have fixed it, since my other supervisors never had that issue with me. but i suppose it is just a lesson learnt that well, not everyone will see the best in you and self-confidence is very important. 

i will be good at my job. i have to. 

that aside, the issues with my family stays. together with the longstanding issue that although okay yes i care for them, but i cannot, for the life of me, show any outright affection towards my parents. i don’t wish death and illness on them and i hope they are happy (for our sakes too) so in that sense i care, but i can’t go out of my way to show that i care, other than doing things like chores and helping them out with technology stuff. you’d be sure i won’t be acting cute, i won’t be hugging, bringing up polite small talk etc. i just cringe SO MUCH when i even think of doing it that i physically can’t do it. and i don’t know why. 

and another longstanding issue i have yet to tackle: opening up to friends. 

i do have a few friends and all, but i can never bring myself to open up to them the way i open up here or in my diary. i always feel that it won’t be helpful, and i will just burden them with my issues. i know of a friend who used to be someone i confided in, and i think she’s just sick of it now i feel, because also i barely talk to her now although we meet in a group. also, i know a friend who constantly talks to EVERYONE about her issues, and i find that so burdensome-- mainly because she doesn’t take any of our advice and continuously broods about the same issues for years. and i don’t want to be that kind of person in someone elses’ life. i have friends who say they are “all ears” towards my issues, but from experience what they have to say after i’m done talking, is not value-adding and not helpful to my predicament. so i’d rather not. i wonder if its because i haven’t met the correct people, or should i still take the risk and open up? i’ve never been able to solve this. 

but its really hard to deal with these things when i don’t know the answers, and i don’t know how to make things better. 

a few weeks ago i read a book, The Courage to be Disliked, and i was so empowered by it because its centred around the concept that your relationship with yourself and others, and achieving happiness, is truly all in YOUR HANDS, once you embrace this certain mindset. 

that mindset was something novel and idealistic, something that i agreed on some levels but couldn’t understand on other levels as well. but i did think it was good advice, in a way, and it was liberating to think that your fate is in your hands. 

but with these issues above, i feel like my autonomy and ability is taken away from my hands again. because i have no answers. i have no action plan to solve these deeply ingrained issues, that i have been pushing aside for so long because i had other pressing issues and deadlines to cover. 

i just wonder if these issues are hindering me from peace and contentment, which is all i want in life. also freedom. i really love that feeling of freedom, but i haven’t felt that in a long time -- not just because we’re all stuck at home, but even psychological freedom. these few days i feel stuck. 

also i just got out of a relationship, the one i mentioned in previous posts. i broke up with him 2 months ago. he’s still in the denial stage of the 5 stages of grief, whereas i’m moving away from the depressed stage already. 

he is another issue altogether, but i’m just glad i don’t have to deal with him anymore. he wasn’t value-adding, and i was blind. i just want to find myself again, and stick with it. 

i want to be my best friend, give me advice. maybe this is something i need time to figure out? 

i’m so tired and drained now. i’m going to lie down. 

[theliterateape]

Tomorrow Will Be Late

By Dana Jerman

EVERYONE REMEMBERS THE PARADES. In a way, that was all there was. So do I, of course, but I was fond of that time for lots of other reasons.

For instance it was August, and summer was unravelling at the seams, and the timing of it all seemed to be uncannily perfect. I was about to start grade nine and girls were bursting in front of me like exotic flowers attached to firecrackers, and I was feeling initiated and empowered into a coming of age.

And anyway, when do you see a parade at night? Parades the whole weekend. The Celestial Event happened on a weekend, but for some reason everyone agreed to reset the calendar so we didn't count the days. I guess because they weren't days. Either way it all fell together.

"Tomorrow Will Be Late," the posters all over town read. Here's what happened: Our sun wasn't going to rise- anywhere. The whole world would be dark for two days straight. Then everything would be fine again.

It was fun to live in a time when astronomical scientists were like rock stars and rock stars were like, well, like Scarlet Monk. My favorite. More about her in a second...

With a lost weekend of a heretofore unprecedented caliber, what was left to do but celebrate? Some people just slept through it all. Like my friend Mack. The whole thing freaked him out a little I could tell, and when he finally came out of his house the following morning he just talked like nothing had happened. And for him, nothing really had. But it changed others. And not entirely in a good way. I probably lost friends over it, but I don't remember them.

So, the parades. So cool. I'm pretty sure I kept one of those oversized lightpole posters depicting a cornucopia of exotic end-of-days fun. These were also happening the world over, and some of the magic of all of that curfew-less reverie in the streets shaped my idea of what music could be, and what art was capable of.

Later, some would call that time “The Breakout of The Potentials” citing the generational euphemism for those currently in their twenties, and the role that the worldwide young investors group, The Potentials, played in the staging of the parades.

Imagine hologram floats stretching the length of a city block, and highly choreographed dancers warping shape in utterly mesmerizing ionized liquid aluminum suits, and at the center of it all—as Lady Godiva on Trojan Horseback—Scarlet Monk 

The most incredible female pop star to date. A singer, a philanthropist, a dancer, an entrepreneur, and a rumored member of The Potentials, she was embraced and lauded the world over. I didn't call myself crazy about her until I saw those parades. Then it was all over. And for a good long while it was the celebrity crush that captured the market-fresh meat of my teenage heart. The kind of crush where, when I practiced kissing on the palm of my hand I thought of her. And I let the fantasy go to that place where I dream of what it would be like to marry her, and have a house and be a dad. It was never practical, but always perfect.

They had been best friends for nearly their whole lives, and workers for all that time, and now it was time to take a break and think, and drink. Mostly drink.

 Right, well, like I said, the Celestial Event brought out some crazy in folks. My aunt Rebecca, who lived out of town at the time, talks about taking note of the ridiculous amount of suicides by people whose skewed belief systems led them to think that, in this prolonged dark, they were in fact weathering the long descent into hell, and simply preferred to not.

But her younger sister, my dear mother Rachel, who to be fair had a job at the time that really sucked, decided, along with her best pal Madeline, to here forthwith quit her job and hole up in the den in the center of our house and write poems and drink vodka tonics or anything-tonics and watch the parades on TV.

Hanging out with them for an hour or so in those evenings before I took off on my bike made me feel a little embarrassed and kinda nervous, but also oddly grateful. They had been best friends for nearly their whole lives, and workers for all that time, and now it was time to take a break and think, and drink. Mostly drink.

Drink they did. Their loosened laughs pulled smiles down out of the loaded moon. They sat in that room with the end table lamps burning and the great comforter TV awash in endless magnified color projecting coverage. Not caring that the dark had caused a bit of an insect outbreak, and therefore an elevated spider population, and that their relatively inert bodies became blood banquet in response to such activity. Later they stood around in their undies laughing at one another in the bathroom mirror while they spot-checked with calamine lotion.

I didn't get bitten up so badly, but somehow I felt vaguely jealous.

"Jeremy, your mother has reached a moment of reckoning, and in such moments, one must make art and take joy. At least that's what somebody told me once. Something probably in there about courage too." My mother says to me. Referring to herself in the third person and patting me on the shoulder while she popped popcorn. The lady was making sense, but at the same time, she wasn't. Not to me. I'd never heard her talk like this before. But then again she'd never enjoyed this much time at home. 

That's something you'll have to keep in mind about the Celestial Event. In light of something we will never again see in the lifetime of our planet in its meagre solar system, everything became a pretty even split between fear and exhilaration. It was like knowing you could actually hold your breath for forty-eight hours. But then you had to do it to survive, like everybody else.

It was that very same something about Scarlet Monk that made me feel connected and beyond myself at the same time. I stared into her eyes in this one photo from her album liner notes, and they put me in awe of the world. And with her voice speaking to me in music, it was like she was a kind of protective muse, here to remind me that the adventure of the near future of my life was about to exist in all its bounty. And in so being, take me on a journey of incredible scope and feeling.

I was, in short, much like my mother: bulwarked and optimistic.

And it was a good thing, too. Because then I was ready for school. And I was ready for Diana.

Mack's story was basically the outline of a business plan.

Mack of course saw her and liked her first. He always kind of liked her—more than like—to hear him tell it, which became a little problematic when we took after one another. Constantly on long bike rides to find a place to kiss.

But that resolved once Melissa latched onto him and he finally had somebody to go with who was not a shit player at video games.

School wasn't that hard. In fact I kinda liked it more than ever. Our fantastic new literature instructor used black eyeliner like my Aunt Rebecca, which is to say intensely. And she was fascinated by what we each did over the course of the Celestial Event, so she had us working on our own personal science fiction epics all the time.

We did more writing than reading, which met with some protest, but not from me. In my story we had learned to harness gravity in such a way as to manage a reel on our orbit with that of our closest planetary neighbor. When we were together enough to terraform the now adjacent rock, we had thereby birthed a true sister planet.

On top of all that, everyone on the initial planet lived in one absolute and enormous city-structure. It was mostly after a dream I had that felt hyper-real. I started to call it “VURreal” since I wasn't sure yet if I wanted to incorporate a virtual reality aspect. But I had an idea that was where it was headed.

I almost had a sister once. So it felt good to build one on paper, even in planetary form.

Plus I wanted to have Diana in it somehow. Or just give the story to her, like as a birthday present or something once I was finished. But the beginning was always my favorite part:

“I chased her to the runway. Miles from the Arcology. It was night, and when I finally slowed and turned back, the complex was incredible. Scintillating and massive in its argent blue. Radio tower spindles beat a blinking path astride the impression of a paved curve.

“She kept running. Wind whipped at our hair and the frenzy in the silhouette was beautiful. I had never been out this far before. Hard to believe home was tucked into one of those cobalt corners of stylized steel that loomed like a frozen storm at the horizon. And so too when I turned again was there another storm right in front of me. A storm of mourning for her father's recently destroyed space vessel, and with it, his life. His six-year term on the one man mission to repair and update the remaining energy-comm sats was almost complete. And then he became an element of fire and spectrum, and everything was different for both of us.”

Mack's story was basically the outline of a business plan. In it, he gets to join The Potentials and makes his fortune building and tuning rocket-powered space pageants or something. A whole moon as an amusement ride.

I could have laughed when I read it, but he'd just make a face. Besides I was one to talk. My far-flung conjecture was, with current technology, more impossible than impractical. But that was sort of the point, I thought.

In any case, we really gave a shit, so we all got A's.

Diana wrote something brilliant and Garden-of-Eden-esque that I only remember the opening line for. Mostly because she memorized it, too, and stole it from herself to use again in a later poem: I see the moons before the sun— little bitten cookies with neat star-crumbles at one sunken edge. It will be the a picture I take to rescue myself here on the first day of spring.

Mom loved it. She adored Diana and asked for that poem constantly. Mom was like a child who enjoys repetition but still longs for the new-and-improved. I’m pretty sure that’s a contradiction we all share.

A little later on I got excited for the new Scarlet Monk record, but what really gave me a hard-on around then was my first love letter from Diana, which came while she was away on break visiting her dad, and man it was racy. She almost went overboard, talking about how thinking of me masturbating turns her on. About how hot it was that time in the North Woods when she showed me how to go down on her and I made her come twice. 

All it took was this set of five sheets of lavender paper to make me miss her so bad I caught headaches that went down into my scrotum.

She was quiet too, in her own way, and never went on like this. Even her handwriting was different from that of our collected passed notes. I'd swear sometimes I was standing stalk-still in the dust for how fast girls could change.

Mack caught a first whiff of this when Melissa snubbed him because she thought he had something for her sister. Chances are he did, but who knows if it wasn’t just Melissa's insecurity talking.

Then one day I come home and Mom says "We're moving, start packing." and soon enough we moved and that was that. She had grown tired of not working, but found another job instantly once she looked, and it wasn't too far away from where we'd been, and it was nicer.

Diana even visited me there once or twice. I thought about asking her to marry me, but every time I really looked into her eyes for any length of time I saw something drift. 

Have you ever tried to stop a wave from rolling back? Exactly. 

✶

IT WAS A SHORT WHILE PAST THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE CELESTIAL EVENT, and the day before my birthday when she told me she probably wouldn't call me again.

But before that there were minor celebrations and lots of remixed footage and replayed broadcasts of Tomorrow Will Be Late Festivities. And Mom tried to get me to read my sci-fi story aloud, and joked that she should quit her job again. And Madeline even stayed the weekend and laughed her eight-pitch-loony-bin-laugh while her new urban lumberjack boyfriend, who was younger than he looked and smoked cigars wrapped in red paper, taught me about five different card games, which I taught later to Mack, of course, but he only really ever liked and got good at one of them. Naturally it’s the one where you have to knock the cards out of your opponent's hand.

School was still out for just a nano-second longer when I stayed up almost the whole night one time. I stood naked in front of the mirror listening to Scarlet Monk and staring myself down. I didn't move, and took a long look at my whole body. Everyone else was moving at light speed and here, if I was changing, it seemed way to slow to tell.

But I charged myself up a little bit. Like a battery. Trying to not to think of anything in particular, and trying too to not reach out for the muse, but to let her just come and wash over me, and maybe tell me the future a little bit, and remind me that I'm really lucky, and that I'm whole—I'm a whole person who, even in the small amount of life I've lived up to now, has seen and done some remarkable things. And that there are so many incredible things left to do. This feeling of what is possible when you listen and relax—it just gets bigger.

And also, most importantly, that love is the best celestial event there is. I suppose I knew it all along, but I felt the parade of my heart march on in triumph for the time when I would have a family of my own.

And then it finally hits me that next year will be 2040, and even if I never feel this way again, there's no reason I have now to stop smiling.

[littlehouseonthewater]

“You unravel me, with a melody.

You surround me with a song

of deliverance, from my enemies,

till all my fears are gone.”

~ No Longer Slave lyrics from Bethel Music Publishing

This season in my journey with God, He is gently disentangling complicated knots deeply rooted in my soul.  I am being unraveled.  “To separate or disentangle the threads of a woven or knitted fabric, a rope. To free from complication or difficulty; make plain or clear; solve” is how Dictionary.com defines the verb ‘unravel’.

I’ve been wrestling in my spirit with a concept for weeks, probably months, potentially my entire life.  It is not just the concept about ‘Have Faith in God’.  I am wrestling with the security I feel in my relationship with Him.  He is Love, but what does that really mean and how do I let that knowledge effect my life?  I am wrestling with wholeheartedly entrusting to God, Everything – Everything that makes up me, that is important to me, that belongs to me. I wrestle with wholeheartedly trusting God’s desire to provide our every need.  I know He is able, but does He want to protect and provide for my family in this incredible nautical adventure?

He is gently unraveling my shredded garment that cloths me in defeat.

Unhealthy ideas I believed about myself due to my perception of other’s actions toward me.  Relationships that are just…complicated. I can think of certain specific situations where motives were wrongly read, grossly misunderstood and I was sentenced: not worth any amount of mercy, time, understanding or second chances. I seriously struggle with rejection; not being wanted, left out of the group, very much alone.  For years I projected this “not being good enough” for relationships with family and friends who have walked away, with a stand-offish God of whom I’m terrified will turn his back and walk away from me if I mistakenly mess up.

Recently I was graciously given a book called “Uninvited – Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely” by Lysa Terkeurst.  This author must have taken a peek at the journals I have filled throughout my life. I can relate to her experiences chapter after chapter.  She gave me a new perspective on a Bible story I’m very familiar with.  A story I can relate to all too well.

“Most of us have been made to feel like we don’t belong at some point in our lives.  It’s a bummer to be left out, not chosen, and overlooked.  But when someone of great significance in our lives makes us feel like our belonging is more of a question mark than a security blanket, we become very sensitive to even the slightest hints of rejection.  The wound is reopened, and rejection’s infection sets in.

For David, it wasn’t just that Nabal rejected his request for food.  Nabal rejected him as a person and a leader.

‘Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse?  Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days.  Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?’  David’s men turned around and went back.  When they arrived, they reported every word.’              (1 Samuel 25:10-12)

Nabal’s dismissal of David conveyed:

You are not known.

You don’t belong.

You aren’t important.

You are not valuable.

You are not secure.

…Nabal’s words struck an existing wound.  Nabal wasn’t the originator of David’s wound, but he certainly hit it dead on when he rejected David and his request.”  

Lysa goes on to say in her book, “I believe the deep wound was caused years before by David’s father, Jesse.  In 1 Samuel 16, when the prophet Samuel went to Jesse, asking him to bring before him all his sons, he did just that, with one exception.  He left David out in the field.  Either he had totally forgotten about David or held him in such disregard that he never thought David had a chance to be the chosen one  Why bring him in?

Either way, that’s hurtful.

Jesse had seven of his sons pass before Samuel, but Samuel said to him, ‘The LORD has not chosen these.’ He asked Jesse, ‘Are these all the sons you have?’

‘There is still the youngest, ‘Jesse answered. ‘But he…is tending the sheep.’

Lysa continues, “…that must be one of the lamest excuses he could give for not including David in what surely was the biggest event this family had ever taken part in.  If David’s father had any regard for his youngest son at all, he could have found someone else to temporarily tend the sheep.  

Lysa says she suspects behind that statement were some thoughts like: ‘Well, yes, I have one more son- the youngest, David.  But he…doesn’t look like a king, doesn’t act like a king, doesn’t smell like a king.  So, I didn’t invite him.’ 

Uninvited by his own father.

Can you imagine how David must have felt when they finally went to get him and he stumbled into this event fresh from the field?  Dad brought everyone else but me.  And with an emotional dagger steaming with red-hot rejection, David’s father inflicted a mark on his heart that read, “You don’t belong.”

You don’t matter as much as your brothers.  You aren’t important enough to be remembered.  You are not valuable enough to be considered.  You are not secure with this family who disregards you.

Even though Samuel went on to anoint David as the future king, I can’t find where Jesse ever tended to his son’s heart.  Isn’t it crazy that on the same day David achieved the ultimate success of being named the future king, he was overlooked by his father?  No amount of outside achievement fixes inside hurts.  Those hurts have to be soothed by replacing the lies with truth.”

~Uninvited, Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst pages 95-98

Confessions from a wedding photographer…behind my camera, I quietly wipe away silent tears when a dad toasts his beautiful daughter, telling her how proud he is of her.  He recounts treasured memories which he holds close to his heart of when she was little.  He couldn’t be more proud of the woman she’s grown up to be.  Her radiant life has touched many people’s lives for the better.  When he tenderly holds his daughter during their dance, I snap photo after photo of the proud, loving fatherly look in his eyes…and my heart breaks.  I wish my dad would look at me like that.  Hold me like that.  Love me like that.  Be proud of me like that.

With the right pair, there is a moment so incredibly tender between a mother and daughter on a wedding day.  I encourage mom to turn to her daughter and give her a tender hug before helping her get into her bridal gown.  Memories flash through their minds.  How fast time flew from babbling infant to beautiful bride!  Two independent women share a sweet loving bond.  I quietly snap photographs of tender moments that happen so quickly, wishing I had a healthy relationship with my mom.

Need I mention the bond between best friends, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, counsins…family.  I snap candid photographs of families and friends joyously reunited together sharing memories and swapping lively stories.  My heart breaks.  Those I held closest to my heart, my absolute best friend of two decades, immediate and extended family members, have all turned their backs on me and my family and have walked away within the last three years. The dagger of betrayal told to my flushed face was that ‘god told them to walk away.’

Voices from memories play in my head.  “Hello raggamuffin! Where is your brother, my favorite grandson, Danny-boy?”  “Jen, you’re like a radio that needs to shut-up.”  Rejection feels like I’m not worth the time to pursue or get to know.  As a teen, I heard two phrases constantly at home: 1. Honey, I’m so thankful Your choices never gave Me grief. 2. Darling, I will never forget… I’m told I was mature, ‘adult-ish’ by the age of 6. Before the age of 10 I adapted the mentality that it is better to be seen and not heard.  I was terrified to do something that would grieve my parents, for heaven knows they wouldn’t forget, and neither would I.  Love had strings attached. Often I felt damned no matter what choice I made. I became an extreme introvert.  Every now and again, I will still meet someone who has known a member of my family and silently accept their astonished statement, “I’ve known your family for 15 years and never knew you were apart of that family!”  This falls into the same category of answering “I’m fine” when I’m really about to die on the inside.

I want so badly to stop living in mental and emotional defeat.  But how?

While washing dirty dishes, I was listening to Beth Moore’s podcast “Grasping My Everything.” “You are a capable woman!” Beth proclaimed.  “You are not ineffective nor unproductive!  That is the Devil’s lie.  That is your old self talking.  In Christ, we have the Full Power of the accomplishing work of Jesus from beginning to end:

Incarnate – Jesus can relate to everything I feel.

Crucified – I am dead to that sin, that old way of thinking.

Raised – His mercy is new each morning.  I can come back to life after each devastation.

Ascended – Jesus indwells, empowers, gifts, equips and comforts me.

Seated – There is no king above my King!  He knows me by name.  He knows my every need.  Jesus is seated in All Authority, interceding to the Father on my behalf.

Beth encouraged, “Living a powerful victorious life begins with living powerful, victorious days in Christ. Dare I keep living in defeat when Jesus says, “Everything I have done is yours for the asking!  Everything I have done is ment to impact your day!”

I was so incredibly encouraged by this message from Beth Moore.  Here is the link to the whole 30 minute podcast.  http://subspla.sh/j2czbbq

There is a song from Phillips, Craig and Dean that I cherish. It’s called “When God ran”. It starts with declaring the Majesty of Almighty God. Proclaiming His Victorious Names. And then the chorus:

“The only time I ever saw him run, was when He ran to me. Took me in His arms, held my head to His chest and said ‘my son’s come home again!!’ Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes. With forgiveness in His voice He said, ‘my son, do you know I still love you?‘”

It’s songs like this that play at just the right moment when I know God is confirming His love for me. It’s the friends we’ve met here at the marina who have blessed us with: friendship, extra apples from their orchard, an oil heater, a kayak, an electric 3 horse power motor and then an 8 horse power gas motor, a stainless marine barbecue, stainless poles for our back deck, time and energy helping with boat projects, a sailboat!! The use of a house throughout the coldest parts of winter!!! The list of blessings is long!!! Jesus knows our needs and has met every one of them when we needed it most.  From the depths of my heart I thank each person who has been the hands and feet of Jesus, reconfirming His love for my family and I!!! Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!!!

Another podcast that has so profoundly impacted my heart on this particular topic of wrestling with my security in my relationship with God is Beth Moore’s podcast called “The Art of Growing Up“.  I want my stay-at-home, beloved wife, homeschooling mom life – to be a blessing to others. I want my life to matter, to make a difference for the better. “You will never be a mighty woman of God until you realize you are a Dearly Loved Child!” Beth proclaimed.  “How does a Dearly Loved Child behave?” she asked.  “There is a confidence a dearly loved child has, that a child who doesn’t know she’s dearly love, lacks.  We cannot go back and relive our childhoods, but we have a re-do with God.  Right now I can become a healthy Child of God.  I can know I am Your Child, God.  I can know that when I sleep, I sleep right in Your presence.  You know every tear I’ve cried.  You know every struggle, every worry, every fear, every responsibility, every stress placed on my shoulders.  You are my Father, and you Dearly Love me as your Child.” I have listened to this podcast from Beth Moore over and over and over again.  It has so blessed my heart. This is the link to this incredible podcast from Beth Moore. http://subspla.sh/vcncxqq

Every time our church sings “Child of God” by Bethel Music Publishing, I cry.  I am being unraveled from complicated knots of rejection and loneliness.  I am being pursued and persuaded to the dance floor of life by Jesus…to dance upon the water with Him! Psalms and promises of His unswerving love He sweetly sings to my soul. He is delivering me from a devastatingly deceptive way of thinking.  There have been times when my heart hurt so intensely, I wanted to give up on life; wishing with everything left inside me for Heaven and Jesus’s arms, where I would finally be wanted and accepted.  I’ve come to the conclusion that God must have something spectacular planned for my family and I for the devil to so assault me with rejection throughout my whole life.  He has tried to shut me up.  But I will no longer be enslaved.  When I say I cling to Jesus, I seriously Cling to Jesus as my Lifeline.  I cling to the knowledge He has a plan for us, to prosper us and not harm us, a purpose too wonderful for me to imagine.

“There is something wonderfully sacred that happens when a girl chooses to realize that being set aside is actually God’s call for her to be set apart.” Lysa TerKeurst says in her book “Uninvited”.

Jesus choose me.  Jesus calls me His Beloved Child, His Daughter! He lovingly calls my Name.  He strongly desires to spend time with me.  He continues to strengthen my relationship with husband and children while enriching our lives with a new family of friends here at the water’s edge. He has a plan and a purpose for my life.  My hope is to hear my Heavenly Daddy say, “I’m so proud of you sweetheart.  You are beautiful!”  I can’t wait to throw my arms around the neck of Jesus.  I would weep, and just be held close to his heart, safe in his strong, loving embrace.

Last year I learned how to take life one day at a time.  Through winter I boiled water in a kettle to have hot water to wash my dishes.  When I turned my electric kettle on, I needed to turn the heater off or I would blow a circuit.  Our boat has 30 amp power.  A normal home has 200 amps of power.  Our shower wasn’t done yet, so nightly I would bundle my four children up and we’d walk to the public bathrooms 1/8 mile away.  One day at a time, I figured out how to thrive an entire year.  On clear cold winter nights I would step off our boat and look up at the stars and think to myself, “walking to the shower, I get to see the Big Dipper and all these beautiful stars.  The real thing is better than wallpaper.”  I made it through winter one day at a time.  I became a strong woman last winter.  I’m much more optimistic approaching this winter because we now have hot water, a beautiful shower and a better heater…with a vent right at my feet keeping my feet warm as I wash endless dirty dishes!!

This winter, I’m learning to literally free fall into God’s loving arms.  I’m beginning to recognize when I get restless, then fearful in my spirit, afraid God has forgotten me.  I crave God’s constant reminders that He sees us, loves us and will take care of us.  Kinda like my husband and children crave constant reminders of my faithful love for them.  On one such struggling day, a small bird literally adopted us.  It perched and stayed unafraid within inches of us.  Happily, it even perched upon our outstretched hands.  In my soul I felt His sweet gentle whisper, “I see the birds and take care of them.  You are more precious to me then they.”

This summer and early fall I have joyously embraced our huge backyard here at the marina and have absolutely delighted in spending time with my kids.  We’ve rollerbladed, thrown the ball, kicked the soccer ball, learned how to skateboard, built sand castles, gone on walks… and then I’ll step back and watch my kids play.  I delight in their laughter.  I encourage them to keep trying when they learn something new and difficult.  They are courageously confident youngsters because they are securely loved by their dad and I.  Knowing my deep love for them, I better understand God lovingly wants to participate with me like I participate with my children.  He loves to hear me laugh.  He delights to bless me.  He kisses my face with the gentle breeze. He holds me close when He sings, reminding me of His promises.  He is unraveling my defeat and clothing me with budding confidence in His Never Failing Love.  He is Faithful. I am finally finding rest and security in my relationship with Him. I am His Dearly Loved Child.

Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you.”

Blessings,

Jacy

Playing in our backyard.

Morning wrestle time with daddy

Love of my life!

The crew on Sans Souci

Mama and son time playing catch

Just being silly

Sad the Ferry moved docks.

Our favorite boat neighbors with the kids

Our growing boat family!

Me and my kiddos!

Car show down at the port.

The calling of our hearts.

Jesus sees us.

Playing on the dunes.

Take those shoes off and wiggle our toes in the sand.

Beach treasure!!

Morning wrestles with daddy.

Spending quality time during the fall.

Someone turned 8!

A budding engineer.

Someone turned 5!

Growing up way too fast.

Unraveling Defeat, Living Loved "You unravel me, with a melody. You surround me with a song of deliverance, from my enemies,

[coolkoreamag]

INTERVIEW WILL I GET A TICKET?

A Conversation About Life After Vogue With Lucinda Chambers

by Anja Aronowsky Cronberg

WE MEET AT A cosy private club in West London, the sort of hangout popular with fashion professionals who believe in the semblance of bohemia. For thirty-six years she’s been working at British Vogue, twenty-five of those as the magazine’s fashion director, but not long before we meet the fashion press has been full of headlines announcing her departure. We order lattes, and I’m struck by how candid she is.

A month and a half ago I was fired from Vogue. It took them three minutes to do it. No one in the building knew it was going to happen. The management and the editor I’ve worked with for twenty-five years had no idea. Nor did HR. Even the chairman told me he didn’t know it was going to happen. No one knew, except the man who did it – the new editor. Afterwards I walked out and ran into the publisher. ‘Oh Lucinda! How are you?’ I told him I’d just been fired. He said, ‘Outrageous! Ridiculous! Crazy!’ I phoned my lawyer; she asked me what I wanted to do about it. I told her I wanted to write a letter to my colleagues to tell them that Edward [Enninful] decided to let me go. And to say how proud I am to have worked at Vogue for as long as I did, to thank them for being such brilliant colleagues. My lawyer said sure, but don’t tell HR. They wouldn’t have wanted me to send it.

Later I was having lunch with an old friend who had just been fired from Sotheby’s. She said to me, ‘Lucinda, will you please stop telling people that you’ve been fired.’ I asked her why – it’s nothing I’m ashamed of. She told me, ‘If you keep talking about it, then thatbecomes the story. The story should be that you’ve had the most incredible career for over thirty years. The story shouldn’t be that you’ve been fired. Don’t muck up the story.’ But I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be the person who puts on a brave face and tells everyone, ‘Oh, I decided to leave the company,’ when everyone knows you were really fired. There’s too much smoke and mirrors in the industry as it is. And anyway, I didn’t leave. I was fired.

Fashion can chew you up and spit you out. I worked with a brilliant designer when I was at Marni – Paulo Melim Andersson. I adored him. He was challenging, but highly intelligent. Fragile, like a lot of creative people. We had our ups and downs, but he stayed with us for seven years. Then Chloé came along. The CEO at the time asked my advice about Paulo and I told him, ‘Paulo is great, but you have to know that he won’t turn the brand around for you in a season or even two. You’ve got to give him time, and surround him by the right people.’ ‘Absolutely, absolutely,’ he said. ‘I’ll do that.’ Three seasons later Paulo was out. They didn’t give him time, and he never got his people. I felt so sad for Paulo. If you want good results, you have to support people. You don’t get the best out of anyone by making them feel insecure or nervous. Ultimately, that way of treating people is only about control. If you make someone feel nervous, you’ve got them. But in my view, you’ve got them in the wrong way. You’ve got them in a state of anxiety. I’m thinking of one fashion editor in particular: it’s his modus operandi. He will wrong-foot you and wrong-foot you, and have everyone going, ‘Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.’

You’re not allowed to fail in fashion – especially in this age of social media, when everything is about leading a successful, amazing life. Nobody today is allowed to fail, instead the prospect causes anxiety and terror. But why can’t we celebrate failure? After all, it helps us grow and develop. I’m not ashamed of what happened to me. If my shoots were really crappy… Oh I know they weren’t all good – some were crappy. The June cover with Alexa Chung in a stupid Michael Kors T-shirt iscrap. He’s a big advertiser so I knew why I had to do it. I knew it was cheesy when I was doing it, and I did it anyway. Ok, whatever. But there were others… There were others that were great.

In fashion people take you on your own estimation of yourself – that’s just a given. You can walk into a room feeling pumped up and confident, and if you radiate that the industry will believe in what you project. If, on the other hand, you appear vulnerable you won’t be seen as a winner. I remember a long time ago, when I was on maternity leave, Vogue employed a new fashion editor. When I met with my editor after having had my baby, she told me about her. She said, ‘Oh Lucinda, I’ve employed someone and she looked fantastic. She was wearing a red velvet dress and a pair of Wellington boots to the interview.’ This was twenty years ago. She went on, ‘She’s never done a shoot before. But she’s absolutely beautiful and so confident. I just fell in love with the way she looked.’ And I went, ‘Ok, ok. Let’s give her a go.’ She was a terrible stylist. Just terrible. But in fashion you can go far if you look fantastic and confident – no one wants to be the one to say ‘… but they’re crap.’ Honestly Anja, you can go quite far just with that. Fashion is full of anxious people. No one wants to be the one missing out.

Fashion moves like a shoal of fish; it’s cyclical and reactionary. Nobody can stay relevant for a lifetime – you always have peaks and troughs. The problem is that people are greedy. They think, ‘It worked then, we’ve got to make it work now.’ But fashion is an alchemy: it’s the right person at the right company at the right time. Creativity is a really hard thing to quantify and harness. The rise of the high street has put new expectations on big companies like LVMH. Businessmen are trying to get their creatives to behave in a businesslike way; everyone wants more and more, faster and faster. Big companies demand so much more from their designers – we’ve seen the casualties. It’s really hard. Those designers are going to have drink problems, they’re going to have drug problems. They’re going to have nervous breakdowns. It’s too much to ask a designer to do eight, or in some cases sixteen, collections a year. The designers do it, but they do it badly – and then they’re out. They fail in a very public way. How do you then get the confidence to say I will go back in and do it again?

The most authentic company I ever worked for is Marni. We didn’t advertise, and what we showed on the catwalk we always produced. We never wanted to be ‘in fashion.’ If you bought a skirt twenty years ago, you can still wear it today. We never changed the goalposts. Our shows were about empowering women. We always treated our models beautifully and had incredible diversity in the company: my team was half boys, half girls, all different nationalities. It was very transparent, but when the company was sold everything changed. The Castiglionis were naïve. They sold sixty percent of the company, thinking that the new owner would respect what they had built. I never understood why they sold it to Renzo Rosso of all people. He is the antithesis of everything Marni stood for. The antithesis. When Consuelo left, I remember thinking why not give the design task to someone from the team? It would have been a reflection of how fashion is created today, and it worked for Gucci – Alessandro Michele had been at the brand forever before becoming the creative director. I talked to Renzo and he agreed, but then at the last minute he changed his mind. He brought Francesco Risso onboard, who had nothing to do with the company. Before Marni, he did celebrity dressing at Prada. He’d never done a show, he’d never run a team. But he knows Anna Wintour. And who is Renzo Rosso enthralled by? Anna Wintour. The last womenswear collection at Marni was a disaster; it had terrible reviews. The show was appalling. I heard the cost to produce it was two-and-a-half times what we used to spend, and it sold fifty percent less. A lot of American buyers didn’t even bother to turn up. Marni is no more. It saddens me, but then I remind myself that from the ashes something new can emerge.

When Vetements came on the scene, what they were doing felt very new. At that particular time, it wasn’t what anyone else was doing. And when I saw the last Balenciaga show… Okay, you could say it’s a bit Margiela or a bit this or that, but honestly I was really really really excited. You know what was smart about it? It was the scale – you saw this tiny model emerge and it took forever for her to get close to the audience. It built up expectation. Everything was thought through: the casting, the music, the space. Everything. And I loved how we were all seated: so far from each other, it all felt anonymous. Normally at a fashion show, everyone looks at each other – who wears what, who sits where. ‘Oh, she’s got the new Céline shoes.’ But here you felt as if you were on your own. It was a new feeling.

Fashion shows are all about expectation and anxiety. We’re all on display. It’s theatre. I’m fifty-seven and I know that when the shows come around in September I will feel vulnerable. Will I still get a ticket? Where will I sit? I haven’t had to think about those things for twenty-five years. Most people who leave Vogue end up feeling that they’re lesser than, and the fact is that you’re never bigger than the company you work for. But I have a new idea now, and if it comes off maybe I won’t be feeling so vulnerable after all. We’ll have to wait and see.

There are very few fashion magazines that make you feel empowered. Most leave you totally anxiety-ridden, for not having the right kind of dinner party, setting the table in the right kind of way or meeting the right kind of people. Truth be told, I haven’t read Vogue in years. Maybe I was too close to it after working there for so long, but I never felt I led a Vogue-y kind of life. The clothes are just irrelevant for most people – so ridiculously expensive. What magazines want today is the latest, the exclusive. It’s a shame that magazines have lost the authority they once had. They’ve stopped being useful. In fashion we are always trying to make people buy something they don’t need. We don’t need any more bags, shirts or shoes. So we cajole, bully or encourage people into continue buying. I know glossy magazines are meant to be aspirational, but why not be both useful and aspirational? That’s the kind of fashion magazine I’d like to see.

Lucinda Chambers served as fashion director of British Vogue for 25 years.

Anja Aronowsky Cronberg is Vestoj’s Editor-in-Chief and Founder.

[corneliussteinbeck]

GGS Spotlight: Marcie Sislow

Name:   Marcie Sislow Age: 39 Location: Seattle, WA

What does being a Girl Gone Strong mean to you? It means being unafraid to live in your own skin! Discovering my own strength increased my self-confidence and has helped me to be a better role model for my daughter. I believe being self-sufficient is empowering, being confident in your imperfections is freeing, and being able to move with a healthy body is a privilege. My mantra is mindful, attainable strength. It’s something that I strongly strive to achieve every time I train myself or others. It’s a state of mind, and it’s a movement! In today’s busy life we need to be ever more present in our daily activities, and that includes training. Being mindful,present, and truly showing up connected with your body is as important as your fitness journey.

Attainable strength is something that we can all strive to achieve. It takes dedication, consistency and most importantly a support system. Girls Gone Strong has been my support system!

How long have you been strength training, and how did you get started? I’ve been consistently strength training for the past five years. It all started after the birth of my son who is turning six this year. My turning point came in the fitting room of one of my favorite clothing stores. I was about eight months postpartum. After I had a full on meltdown and cried in the fitting room while nursing this new baby, I decided to take control of the situation and do something about it. I went home that night and did an internet search for at-home fitness. One of the first things that caught my eye was an ad for a kettlebell DVD. I had no idea what a kettlebell was, and I wanted to learn more. My search led me to Neghar Fonooni. After contacting her, I started online coaching and quickly fell in love with kettlebells and strength training.

What are your areas of expertise in health and fitness? I’ve always been a sporty kid. I played soccer, ran cross country in high school, and ran a half marathon back in the day. For a little over three years, I worked as a paramedic in Chicago while I finished my degree in exercise science. After graduation, I decided I wanted to add some more skills, and went on to become certified in massage therapy through the Cortiva Institute of Massage in Chicago. Today, I am a proud SFG-1 Instructor, RKC Instructor, Onnit Foundations coach, and lover of all the tools in the toolbox! I tend to gravitate towards unconventional training because it’s fun!

What does your typical workout look like? It depends on what I’m working toward at the time, but on a typical day I start with some mobility work, and I usually start my sessions with a couple sets of Turkish get-ups and light swings. Currently I’ve been doing three or four total-body, strength-focused days with some kind of metabolic finisher during the last five to ten minutes of my session. Variations of the deadlift, squats, chin-up practice, military press, and swings are some of my favorite things to train. As far as a finisher, my favorite right now is a Tabata of 20 seconds of work and 10 seconds of rest for eight rounds. I’ll throw in whatever I’m in the mood for that day.

Sometimes I stick to the plan, and sometimes I don’t I think it’s important and just listen to what my body is in the mood for that day.

Favorite Lift: Two of my favorites moves are the deadlift, because of the booty gains and the KB Turkish get-up. The get-up is one of those moves that engages your whole body, and it almost feels like a beautiful piece of choreography. It’s like a dance with your kettlebell. It’s graceful and powerful all at the same time!

Most memorable PR: Crushing my snatch test for the SFG and RKC! I completed my test by snatching 100 reps in five minutes with a 16kg kettlebell. The last two minutes of the test took absolutely everything I had, but I wanted to finish what I started so badly that I was nearly in tears at the end! Besides being physically challenging, it was such an emotional journey for me because I had been training for this and trying to get to that finish line for quite sometime. It felt amazing to finally accomplish something I had been working toward for so long.

Top 5 songs on your training playlist:

So What’Cha Want/Beastie Boys

W.O/Ministry

Strobe/deadMau5

My Own Summer(Shove it)/Deftones

Gasolina-DJ Buddah Remix/Daddy Yankee,Lil John,Pitbull

Top 3 things you must have with you at the gym or in your gym bag:

Sling Shot Hip Circle I use it to activate my glutes as well as in my dynamic warm up

Bose wireless headphones

EO Everyone Baby Wipes for those post-training wipe downs

Do you prefer to train alone or with others? Why? Alone. Training is a chance to shut off the world and get in my own head. It’s my zen! With two kids, my home life is far from quiet. I crave that alone time where I can blast my angry music, smash some weights, and not think about anything other than the lift.

Best compliment you’ve received lately: I was at my favorite coffee shop(El Diablo in Seattle) recently when a very fabulous man came up to me and asked me if I was wearing fake lashes. I said no, just wearing mascara. He then waved his hand in the air and said “YAS Queen…SLAY girl….you are blessed!” The thing about that morning was that I wasn’t feeling very fabulous, and I was battling some negative voices in my head. That one minute interaction with this stranger totally changed the way I was feeling. In that moment my attitude totally changed, and I went on with my day with a better attitude. When in doubt……slay, girl!

Most recent compliment you gave someone else: The most recent compliment I gave was to my daughter. I told her that her curly hair was looking extra fabulous. It totally made her morning!

Favorite meal: Does dessert count as a meal? Hmmm….Pizza, pancakes, and pie…oh my!

Favorite way to treat yourself: A cup of chamomile tea at night in my favorite robe, with my lavender heating pad wrapped around my neck… total #grandmastatus happening at my house. I also love getting regular massage and a mani-pedi.

Favorite quote: “Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light!” — Dylan Thomas

Favorite book: I haven’t really read for pleasure in quite sometime, which is something I’d like to change. The last book I enjoyed was Born Survivors by Wendy Holden.

What inspires and motivates you? My kids, Sophia and Trent. They are fearless and care-free little humans. They inspire me to charge into the world fearlessly and confidently. As we grow up, we tend to lose that care-free attitude toward life. We stop questioning, and we stop wandering. We are raising our kids to question everything and to never be afraid to wander and get lost in the world. How are you supposed to find yourself if you never truly lose yourself in the first place?

What do you do? I’m a kettlebell coach, mom, wife, and personal trainer. At one point in my life I considered myself to be a professional booty cleaner but thank goodness those days are no more!

What else do you do? I love trying new things, I’ve only been in Seattle for the past three years, so there is still so much to explore! I enjoy taking long walks, paddle boarding, eating all the things, and am pretty darn good at making pottery. I also love making potions and lotions! In another life I must have been a healer or a medicine woman, since I have a strong connection with plants, herbs, and homeopathic medicines. I love making healing tinctures and syrups, herbal soaps, soothing salves for those callused hands, and loads of other medicinal concoctions.

Describe a typical day in your life: Depending on the day…

5:15 — Wake up. 6:15–7:15 — Teach my kettlebell class. 7:15–9:20 — Head back home and drink my coffee in silence before getting the kids up and starting our morning. Breakfast is made, backpacks are packed, then I walk my kids to school. 10ish — Head back to the gym get my own training session in, and depending on if I’m teaching another class, I hang out till after. If not, I head back home. 12ish — Lunch, laundry, house stuff 1:30–3ish —  Work on business development, write programs for clients, catch up on emails, etc. 3:30 — Pick up kids from school. 4–6 — After-school activities, homework with the munchies. 6–7ish — Dinner and clean-up 7–8ish — Hang out, family time 8ish — Put the kiddos to bed. 9–10ish — Relax! Watch my trash TV, with my cup of tea and my lavender heating pad, then bedtime!

Your next training goal: What’s next for me is getting jacked before I hit 40 this year! I’m going big, and I’ve started the Bigness Project from my friend and fellow GGS Kourtney Thomas and GGS Advisory Board Member Jen Sinkler. I’m really loving the change of pace and the change in training tools, and I’m excited to see what the end of the journey will bring!

What are you most grateful for? I am most grateful for my health! A few months ago I had a severe vertigo attack that landed me in the ER. It was so violent that I thought I was having a heart attack! Fast-forward through many trips to the doctor, meds, and finally seeing my naturopath. I was diagnosed with Benign Paroxysmal Vertigo. It completely floored me for months. I was bedridden and just the simple task of walking my kids to school became the most difficult challenge of the day. Training and teaching were out of the question, when I couldn’t look up or look down without getting severely dizzy. This humbling experience taught me to slow down and really listen to my body. I had been juggling too much for so long that my body had finally said enough!I’m starting from scratch with my training, but I can finally do deadlifts and Turkish get-ups without feeling queasy. My strength is slowly coming back but I’m just grateful to be able to do what I love again!

Which three words that best describe you? Outgoing. Bubbly. Annoyingly happy.

What’s the coolest “side effect” you’ve noticed from strength training? One of the best side effects of strength training is being able to lift my kids however and whenever I want. They’re getting big, and I can still keep up. Also, I love my friends call me when they need help lifting anything heavy.

How has lifting weights changed your life? It’s definitely made me more confident and has opened the doors to be able to teach others what I’ve learned along the way. I feel so lucky to be able to do what I love each and every day.

What do you want to say to other women who might be nervous or hesitant about strength training? In today’s busy society, we make ourselves the very last priority, when in fact, we should put ourselves at the top of our list. Do it! We only get this one life, this one body, to truly discover our inner and outer strength. We are given these amazing vessels.

What a shame to go through life without ever really knowing what you’re capable of!

All professional photos by Paolo Sanchez. Location FUELhouse, Seattle, WA

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