#your motherhood tale isn't interesting

[biarritzzz]

I'm so bored with tales of motherhood.

It's amazing how many self-indulgent articles there are these days about how motherhood is so hard but it's so rewarding but it's so hard though.

All these boring mommies writing the same fucking shit about how they're exhausted and omg I just want a day for myself but I love my kid too and I feel guilty but I need a break but I love being a mom, like totally. Oh really? Well you could have read the countless of articles and think pieces about this same boring topic that all the other mommies churned out before you and decide not to breed. THAT would have been interesting and original for fucking once.

And not once does it occur to them that they had a choice. That they made a choice. That they chose to create another life, all because they felt like it. And now we have to hear about it.

[gingermintpepper]

I spent something like six and a half hours in the hospital today so day 6 of my challenge is being further postponed but, in the lieu of not doing any drawing, I did end up rereading Ovid's Metamorphoses in between waiting and I just wanted to offer some of my favourite underrated bits.

Cadmus and Harmonia's twin transformations into snakes is so gentle? Cadmus goes first, transformed mid plea for his wife to caress him one last time before his face is completely covered in scales, then he rests gently between her boobs and wraps around her neck and shoulders like a big snake gorget. Harmonia follows him shortly and the two snakes intertwine with each other before gently slithering off into the bushes and I love that actually mwah mwah mwah (I also appreciate the sweet irony of Cadmus who slew a snake for his glory becoming a snake, toothless and gentle in the last of his days)

Everything about Perseus was hilarious. Like, I'm sorry - I've never done a lot of reading into Perseus but I did always remember the banquet massacre and the Andromeda rescuing and like, bro I know it's not meant to be funny but Perseus is funny. I think it's his politeness honestly? He goes up to Atlas and is like "hello kind sir, may I please stay a night in your lands? I've travelled an awful long way and I am weary and hungry. If you only accept noble guests, rest assured, I am of noblest birth and have completed the noblest of deeds. 🥺" and Atlas takes one look at him, has a That's So Raven vision about the one time Themis gave him a prophecy about a son of Jove stealing his apples and then told Perseus to kick rocks. So Perseus, like the well adjusted and noble individual that he is, turns Atlas into a mountain with Medusa's head. This is how a great many of Perseus' stories unfold. It is actually hysterical.

I am going to give a special shoutout to Athis and Lycabas who were two young lovers in attendance at Perseus and Andromeda's blood wedding. Athis died first - a skilled archer who never got to shoot and was burnt and bludgeoned across the face with a wedding brazier. When Lycabas saw that his dear friend's beauty was ruined, he picked up the fight against Perseus himself in Athis' name and was slashed to strips by Perseus' sword. Lycabas managed to drag himself over to Athis in his last moments and died beside him, so I thought that was a particularly touching bit of beauty in the otherwise extremely tragic blood wedding.

No one can ever make me feel bad for Niobe. In a lot of the Greek accounts I've read and heard, because they tend to be much shorter or references in a wider narrative, it's hard to really grasp how insanely disrespectful she was to Leto (not that her boasting she should be the goddess of motherhood to the actual goddess of motherhood isn't worthy of death and destruction enough) but Ovid really did go the extra mile to dig it home how far down her throat this lady put her foot because even at her sons' seven way funeral she did not stop boasting about how she was still glorious. I did find it interesting that the seemingly innocuous detail of Apollo killing off the boys first and then Artemis killing the girls was kept cross-culturally, I assume it's because boys were more auspicious than girls in both cultures.

The detail of Athena bonking Arachne constantly with a wooden box and her being transformed into a spider because she begged to not be bonked to death. Also very interestingly, in Ovid's account, it's not a clear victory for Athena against Arachne - she gets flustered at the depictions of her relatives' affairs and rips the tapestry up - the judges didn't actually get a chance to opine. This is in contrast to the contest the Muses sang about where their representative Calliope unilaterally won against the daughters of Pierus.

The account of Apollo and Marsyas was much shorter than I remember it being. I recall it being touted as one of the more vicious and visceral tales in Metamorphoses' collection but it included neither the details of Marsyas' contest against Apollo, nor Apollo's feelings (or even any dialogue from him!) throughout his peeling of Marsyas' skin. Instead it is wholly focused on Marsyas - on describing the physical gore of his exposed veins and contracting muscles and the grief of the rustic crowd as they mourned his loss - which is curious indeed since the entire theme of the poems of Book 6 is divine punishment and it is otherwise filled with rather full accounts of these contests and insults.

Byblis and Caunus made me want to reread Euripedes' Hippolytus for the twelve thousandth time. Caunus made the right call of course but I also very much hoped he would have a huge big speech about incest being bad instead of just smacking the messenger.

And lastly, for now, Jove's speech as Hercules lay burning atop his death pyre where he addresses the host of his gods and goes "Man, wasn't Hercules a great guy? Look, there goes all his mortal attributes burning away in the fire, now he is all my son and surely we are all in agreement that any divine son of mine deserves a place on Olympus :)" was very endearing. I always feel quite bad for Deianira because she truly didn't mean any harm by her gift and I've always wished for an account of Heracles/Hercules' death from her perspective. There could scarcely be a thing more awful, especially given how long and drawn out and incredibly painful Hercules' death was.

Lowkey, I want to take a day and compare Ovid and Euripedes' Medeas. They're both very different women and they both handle their situations very differently. Partially for my own vindication - I adore Medea and Jason equally and since popular fiction cannot speak about Medea without flattening her or making Jason completely monstrous, this is just one of those things I'll have to do myself sometime.

[thedeal-if]

Not gonna lie here, but something kinda died inside of me, when i saw that Nathan is pretty much allergic to children(cause i adore them irl), but it made me wonder about two things.

Oh and i can completely understand why certain ROs are just not made to have childeren.

1: I was wondering why can't angels get children, considering that irl there are beeings like nephilim/cambions described in Myths, Tales, Books etc.. Does that mean that in this universe there are no halfbreeds(not meant in a derogatory way), between different species?

2: Following up with the ask about kids, how would the ROs react(those who actually can get children in a biological way), to accidently becoming a parent? Answer only if comfortable

I have to say that maybe I worded it wrong but Nathan isn't allergic to children, dw anon!! He has always had very important things on his plate and it has never left him any time to think about anything else. It's kinda sad but Nathan only began to truly live his life the moment he started to Fall.

When it comes to children, if his partner asked he'd be like "Oh, that's right, those exist" and just *shrug*. Nathan has never given having kids any thought but he could be convinced ^^

He is very much allergic to being responsible tho... But who knows? People evolve, they can change. They can meet good influences, bad influences. Really, who knows?

1. Okay, td lore! I'm trying not to mention much and I'm crossing my fingers not to get asked about my worldbuilding because I cave to pressure too easily and will definitely gush lol. Tbh I thought it'd be much more fun for people to realize this as they play, finding out things alongside MC and all that. But maybe some explanations are in order 🕴️

To clarify: Christian/Catholic/Judaism/etc lore is, of course, the foundation of my own, but don't expect me to follow the Bible to a t 🫂 I always meant for The Deal to be a reimagining of religion as we know it, but I've included many more layers in terms of... everything (ex. Lovecraftian lore)! I think it's pretty interesting to take the core of a topic and rewrite some of it to make it more exciting.

Needless to say, I don't mean any disrespect towards religion in any way shape or form but sticking to it blindly has always rubbed me the wrong way as a person who isn't and has never been religious.

Now, the answer to your question (sorry for the rant 😭💕) ik about Nephilim and cambions (as someone who's read superstition a billion times), and Nephilim aren't a thing here. Cambions are tho!

When it comes to Angels... Think of them as one of those automated machines in factories. They fulfill their function and are scraped or thrown away when broke beyond repair. That's kind of how the Gods see Angels.

I've promised myself to say nothing about Genies until MC at least meets Aliyah. But let's just say she can't procreate either.

2. As for the accidental parent scenario I'll leave it below the cut (dw btw I'd say it's pretty hard to make me uncomfortable lol I'll answer anything)

Dante, Lilith, Josh, Victor, and Eden can have biological children! Villanelle is technically on that list but she's very much sex repulsed and won't ever be in this situation🫂

Though Dante isn't stoked at the thought of children this kind of changes when he thinks of that kid as his. He's not that taken aback by surprises—even if they're major ones like having a child—Dante likes taking challenges with a smile. If he feels like it's his choice and his partner isn't forcing the idea of parenthood on him, Dante would accept his role with a very positive outlook ^^

Doesn't mean he'll be a good dad tho lol

Lilith feels deeply troubled by her nature and thinks that it'd be best not to create any more beings of hell. She has ingrained a very cataclysmic point of view about any potential children she might have. To Lilith, motherhood is a dream. But not like that.

She'd be such a good mom tho💕

Josh feels like he's been punched in the gut lol he can't handle unexpected turns of events. If it's something his partner is excited about Josh would try not to bring the mood down, he'd want to see it as a positive thing. Definitely would read parenthood blogs for hours during the entire pregnancy.

Victor would be so excited I think he'd forget about any complicated situations and all his problems as soon as his partner told him. It's always been one of Victor's deepest and most profound dreams, and to have his partner fulfill it— he would never dare to even consider it an accident. Much like Josh he'd be the World's most prepared Upcoming Dad™ lol

Eden doesn't typically panic but he would lose his mind lol. I said he kind of leaned towards preferring not to have children but for the entire situation to be forced on him like that would be overwhelming. If the situations are right, if Eden feels like he has the specific kind of support he would need to parent a child... He might change his mind and not be so negative about it ^^

[augment-techs]

Book/Movie Diary: What I watched/read 12/2023

The Deer King: An anime that is something you would watch if you are a fan of Princess Mononoke largely for the style, and if you liked The Phantom Menace and the Fellowship of the Rings for the lore and vibes. Unfortunately, I have been reading up on all the Drakkon/Coinless Jason by @ajgrey9647 and that means I spent the whole movie expecting the stoic protagonist and pretty Doctor to beat the shit out of each other or devolve into sloppy makeout sessions. 4/5

The Man Who Came Down the Attic Stairs, by Celine Loup: A beautiful not-a-memoir in graphic novel format that the artist/author wrote as a what-if scenario covering the effects of pregnancy in the pre-War 1900s; complete with post-partum depression. It's smooth as silk with the art in stunning black and white. 4/5

Manga Classics' King Lear, by Richard Appignanesi: An interesting and visually lovely concept, resetting Shakespeare's story into a Native American vs Colonial landscape. I really wanted to like it, but I felt like it really missed the mark? 2.5/5

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 1, by Oda Tomohito: I finally get to read the first gn in the series and was not disappointed in finding that, yes, it was Tadano who made the first move, and Komi is ADORABLE. 4/5

Commute, by Erin Williams: An examination of being a woman who has experienced many assaults and the results thereof through alcoholism, poor dating choices, dissociation, and finally, motherhood. excerpts I had to write down include: -"What's your part in this abuse?" "That I kept getting drunk?" "You kept going to the gas station for oranges. They don't sell oranges at the gas station. If you want oranges, you go the grocery store. I don't know QUITE how to feel about the art style as a GN. 4/5

Stitches: A Graphic Memoir, by David Small: Sort of a twilight examination on generational trauma and mental illness through the youngest son of a closet lesbian with multiple health issues and a radiologist in a time when it was believed that x-rays could also cure rather than just provide an image of internal problems. The spooky art style made me very uncomfortable, but I quite liked it. 5/5

Literary Witches, by Taisia Kitaiskaia: A collection of witchy femme writers in a poetic presentation, done much like spellwork used through epithets. 5/5

Searching for Bobby Fischer: Just as good, and all the more better, than I thought it would be. It had taken me DECADES to finally see this on DVD after seeing part of it ONCE on VHS when I was tiny and couldn't really remember it. It's the kind of family movie that really isn't made anymore. It's quiet, it's contemplative, it's HONEST. I LOVED IT. 6/5

Disfigured: On Fairy Tales, Disability, and Making Space; by Amanda Leduc: Actually uses both memoir and popular culture as fairly good references to the reality of perfectionism and "the other." It used Disney, changelings, "The Bloody Chamber" and her own medical history. Must take note of this for later because it is very good. 5/5

Spit Three Times, by Davide Raviati: Yet another graphic memoir, this one laying out the growth of a teen/teens in Italy around the 1980s(?), with the author being of Romani descent. It had a lot of stuff I couldn't differentiate between euphemism and actual truth, but I'm pretty sure the extremely mentally ill girl insisting on sexual activity and getting beaten almost to death until she gave birth to a baby that a drunken teenage boy had to deliver on the fly was pretty real. I really did not understand a lot of what happened, but there was one scene that felt very honest apart from the incredibly violent one: "The only person I know who could beat off while doing the backstroke." >> THIS. This was so weird, and yet something teen boys just DO. 3-4/5

Snow White: A Graphic Novel, by Matt Phelan: A retelling of the old tale with a twist. The setting in 1920s New York, the wicked queen is an extremely popular flapper on Broadway, the dead king as a rich mogul that survived the Black Thursday crash, Snow is a boarding school girl back to see the will. We see butchers, detectives, private eyes, and the seven are all street orphans that DO chase the witch down to death. The Macy's Window was an especially nice touch. 4/5

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 2, by Oda Tomohito: -Yamai IS a total psycho at first blush, omg. Poor Tadano, he did not deserve this crap. -The Ramen Chef that shares Komi's disorder must get on GREAT with Agari. -Wow. I was not expecting Tadano to be THAT embarrassing in middle school. -Agari being both a dog-girl and an awesome, honest food critic was a nice touch. -Najimi is VERY cheap. -The dress show was not something I thought I'd see, but I'm not at all surprised that Tadano was always going to be the best choice. 5/5

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 3, by Oda Tomohito: -Chiarai, Sonoda, and Shinobino might be incredibly awkward and can't NOT end up being queer somewhere down the line, but at least they're honest with their judgement of the girls (plus Najimi) in bathing suits. -Both Komi & Tadano look awesome in yukatas. -Komi alone on the playground was so wholesome I wanna scream. -No surprise that Komi is great with babies, but it was still cute to see. -Komi continues to wear the dress Tadano picked out EVERYWHERE. 5/5

[fandom-space-princess]

Read: 2022

Because I - somehow - managed to only pick up books I liked, or loved, this year, and I know I like hearing about what others are reading: a list of what I read in 2022.

Series

The Witcher (The Last Wish, Sword of Destiny, Blood of Elves, Time of Contempt, Baptism of Fire, The Tower of Swallows, Lady of the Lake, Season of Storms) - Andrzej Sapkowski: Working through these took me most of the year, but it was worth it. I grew up reading 90s sf&f magazines much like Fantastyka, and the tone of the first two books, especially, was very nostalgic for that. If you have the patience for an eight-novel trek and a love for dry, snarky fantasy, or any interest in the source material for the franchise, I'd recommend these. And that isn't even the hyperfixation talking.

The Locked Tomb (Gideon the Ninth, Harrow the Ninth, Nona the Ninth) - Tamsyn Muir: Singing my appreciation for this insane series every day. These get hyped for a reason, and that reason is that they will take you out at the kneecaps. I mean - what if your obnoxious millennial lesbian protagonists were also a profound exploration of mortality and grief? What if God was real and present and also just some particularly mediocre guy? What if tragedy and magic and Pyrrhic victory and no happy endings for anybody? I think Alecto might be the end of me when it gets published, and I will go to that death gladly.

Poetry

Water I Won't Touch - Kayleb Rae Candrilli: Reflections on transitioning, growing up in hostility, and finding joy in adulthood. Melancholy; also, hopeful. Made me smile a lot. Gay. The Necessity of Wildfire - Caitlin Scarano: I picked this up because part of the description - "the unraveling of long-term relationships, the complexity of their sexuality, and the decision not to have children" - sucked me in. Very glad I did. The nature imagery here is particularly vivid and effective. Things You May Find Hidden in my Ear: Poems from Gaza - Mosab Abu Toha: Poems about Palestinian life in Gaza. While good poetry often moves me, it doesn't usually make me shed actual tears, but this did. Pecking Order - Nicole Homer: Reflections on motherhood and Blackness and identity within family and other social hierarchies. This one had teeth. Immediate favorite. Drinking to Sainthood - Devin Devine: Local author out of Portland. Themes: religion, queer sexuality, death and addiction, aftermath and recovery. This was fascinating, and heartbreaking, and gorgeous.

Short story collections

The Glassy, Burning Floor of Hell - Brian Evenson: Short horror stories. The fear here is mostly the subtle psychological kind, with a definite sci-fi lean in most cases. The Lonely Stories - ed. Natalie Eve Garrett: Meditations on loneliness in various forms, from before and during the pandemic, but not mostly focusing on lockdown. Report From Planet Midnight - Nalo Hopkinson: NH is among my favorite modern authors, and this collection is part essay/lecture, part short works of fiction. I'd read the stories before, but the lecture was new to me. If you care about science fiction's recent history of grappling with racism (or watched any part of the drama around RaceFail circa 2009), I'd go so far as to call this fandom history required reading. Everyone on the Moon is Essential Personnel - Julian K. Jarboe: The opening line of the first story is "The first nice thing I ever did to my body was tear it open." It's a hell of a beginning to a hell of a book. The tagline is "body-horror fairy tales and mid-apocalyptic Catholic cyberpunk," which is apt. I'm actually almost done with this, and I started it a day and a half ago. I haven't been able to put it down.

Longform Fiction

Small Things Like These - Claire Keegan: A very quick read. Deeply unsettling historical fiction about a common man's encounter with one of Ireland's Magdalene laundries, and the horrors they contained. CK's writing style is very stark, spare, and lovely for it. I wish I could do half as much in 100 words as she does in 10. Comfort Me With Apples - Catherynne Valente: The premise here is: what if Eve hadn't been the first woman after all (read: this is a horror story)? Short and… well, not sweet (more gory), but as good as everything else CV writes. A Dowry of Blood - S. T. Gibson: Vampire romance about the brides of Dracula. Come for the polyamory, stay for the grisly murder. I wanted this to be scarier than it was, but it was certainly fun. The Only Harmless Great Thing - Brooke Bolander: An alternate-history sci-fi novella. In a past where humanity learned to communicate with elephants by sign language, US Radium begins buying them to work in factories after the social fallout of the radium girls incidents. Inspiring, in the "will make you want to commit acts of uncivil disobedience" kind of way. Haven - Emma Donoghue: Non-genre historical fiction, which is not usually my kind of thing, but I picked this one up on the recommendation that the story was mostly in the incredible character development, which it was. It examines the consequences of isolation and fanaticism on a trio of seventh-century monks, who set out to found a monastery on Skellig Michael off the Irish coast. The Book Eaters - Sunyi Dean: A modern dark fairy tale, about people who eat books - and occasionally, human minds. This was an excellent look at the worst things love can do to people, and what kind of monster someone might be willing to become for the sake of their family. I'm excited to see what this author does in the future.

And that's it! If anyone wants to share what they read this year, please tag me; I'm curious to hear what you've got 👀

[mulderwantstobelieve]

I Don’t Want You To Go Home Tonight

I Don’t Want You To Go Home Tonight

“Mulder... why are we choosing to be alone?”

Rating: PG-13

Description: A Post-Ep for the flashbacks shown in Per Manum. Scully’s IVF treatment has failed and Mulder decides to stay with her that night to comfort her with wine and her favorite salad.

Author’s Note: Basically, this fic is my idea of what led up to their “First Time”. I love the idea of All Things being their first time, but this is my IDEAL first time story for them. I think it makes sense with the IVF story arc and with their characters. I imagine this happening somewhere between All Things and before Requiem (probably right before Requiem).

cover photo yoinked from @iddoitforfreebaabe

******

"Never give up on a miracle," Mulder told her, his forehead placed against her own. Scully sniffled as she felt some snot trying to escape her nose. She pulled him in to give him a tender kiss on the cheek and then into a hug.

Mulder's closeness made her feel she was at yet another crossroads in their partnership. Part of her, the one that felt insecure and afraid, could tell him "Go home, Mulder, I'll be fine."

She was tempted to retreat to her room and send him to worry about her somewhere else. Anywhere but in front of her. They could go back to work next week and move on from yet another traumatic event, travel to a new city or state, and they could carry on without letting each other in.

This loss, the impossibility of becoming a mother with her own flesh and blood, was making her soul the weight of a millstone. She had nothing left. Chasing monsters and fighting all the damn time wasn't keeping her alive anymore. It was making her feel old now. Hasn't it gone on long enough?

That part of her wanted him to stay, the part that felt too tired to keep going. That part of her wanted him to slow down and not leave her behind. She wanted him to stay.

Before she could speak her mind, Mulder broke the silence.

"I'm staying here for a while. To make sure you're going to be okay."

Despite the battle going on in her mind, she let him make the decision. Honestly, she was too tired and her brain was so overworked to even talk. She gave him a nod against his shoulder and pulled away to look at him.

Mulder became aware of how dry his mouth was as he felt a small pang of anxiety in his stomach. He felt the weight of the atmosphere, not just from grief of Scully's lost hope, but because he was at a crossroads of his own.

Earlier, he had sat on Scully's couch for what seemed like hours, his mind reeling with all of the choices to be made. He thoughts of two worlds: Scully is pregnant, Scully is not pregnant.

If Scully were to be pregnant, what would he do? How would he fit in to her life? They hadn’t exactly discussed that part of it. Would he be around to become crazy uncle Mulder, sharing tales of myths and Sasquatch and teaching the kid baseball? Or would he and Scully drift apart as she enters motherhood? Would he be present to watch a child grow up with her eyes and his smile, her hair and his nose, her stubbornness and his adventurous spirit... without feeling connected to them? Would he watch as their child goes through first days of school and college, one day getting married, and having children?

Would he remain on the outside as an observer, watching everything happen in montages while he goes home alone, chasing whatever the hell comes next?

But there was another option: he could be here. He could feel happy with her. He could hold her when she feels sick or insecure. He could tell her he loves her. He could hold his child in his arms.

He could be a father.

These thoughts would have scared him a few years ago, but things have changed. And even if Scully were to come home with the news that they weren't having a child, they couldn't go back to their comfortable invulnerability anymore. Not after this.

Mulder pondered these thoughts again as he and Scully stood there for another minute, his arms still wrapped around her waist. He hoped he was comforting her despite the depressing results. Though they both knew there was a high chance the IVF wouldn’t work and Scully becoming pregnant was nearly impossible, it was hard to accept that believing wasn't enough this time.

"I'm going to take a shower, I might be in there for a while. I need to be alone," Scully said as she broke their embrace. He raised a hand to her cheek, but she stared at the wall behind him.

"I'll be here." She gave him a small smile in return and disappeared down the hall.

He decided to go pick up some food from a place down the street he knows she likes. They have these strawberry poppy seed salads that she'll even eat when lacking an appetite. He could at least try whatever he could to get her mind off of this.

He picked up some wine as well, hoping that it may dull her pain. He tried to think of all the topics he could bring up to get her mind off of it, knowing it wouldn't help much, but he could make a strong effort.

A short while after he returned with their dinner, Scully came out of the bathroom. She had taken the time to blow-dry her hair, which he took note of. She still had the energy to dry her hair, which isn't a bad thig but he was aware of the fact that restless working was how she coped, so he needed to be sure she relaxed tonight.

They watched a black and white TV movie that they didn't know the name of. It wasn't interesting, but it was distracting. Mulder and Scully ate their dinner on the couch in silence. He noticed Scully smiling after seeing what he ordered her which made something in his stomach feel warm. A full-tooth smile from her always made him smile back. When the first glass of wine was poured, it became easier to have a conversation.

"Thanks for being here," Scully said after a few moments of sipping her wine. She was facing the TV, cupping the glass against her chest.

"N-no problem," he said a little too quickly, happy she was wanting to talk now. "Actually my plans for the evening were a little boring." He said, facing her direction. He slung his arm over the back of the couch, his wrist hid in her hair.

"Oh yeah, what were they?" She smiled from the inside of her cup. She turned to face him now, her expression lifted.

"It's what I do every Friday night, Scully. Stay late at the office, get Chinese takeout, think about possibly doing my dishes but instead throwing a dart at a map and calling you to tell you we're going to wherever-the-hell, Oklahoma because there's gotta be some cryptic or source waiting for us there..."

Scully began to smile wide and a small chuckle escaped her lips when she realized he was joking.

"...then I take a shower and lay in bed, wondering about the mysteries of the universe. Is that not what you do?" He said, trying to hold back a laugh.

Scully replied with another big smile, "Wow, Mulder, that's exactly my same routine!"

"I thought so!" he grinned, looking at his lap. "Where are your darts, Scully? I'm a creature of habit."

She shot him a jokingly stern look and leaned towards the coffee table to pour herself another glass.

"Actually," she began, "my plans are more like: pick up groceries, clean the bathroom, wash my hair, then get into bed... sleeping soundly because I couldn't care less about Bigfoot or sentient plant life or demons trying to nibble my toes," She giggled and Mulder rolled his eyes.

"You don't have trouble sleeping, Scully? With everything that the universe could hold? You don't even wonder?" He urged.

She shrugged. "I guess I wonder more about stuff that's in my interest. So, less mythical sea creatures and more... real life. I couldn't sleep last night for obvious reasons." She took another swig of wine.

He nodded in understanding. "I guess I do the same thing," he replied.

"Yes, I know you meditate a lot about the Sasquatch, Mulder, but-" she laughed.

"No, no, not just that. Believe it or not, Scully, I am an actual living, breathing man," he laughed and she rolled her eyes. "I think about things that I want. I think about the future. I- I couldn't sleep last night either."

She looked at him, an unreadable expression on her face. "Why's that?"

He paused to form his words correctly and he felt his mouth go dry again.

"I just really wanted this to happen for you."

The lighthearted atmosphere became the familiar, heavy one they felt earlier in the day. They were both remembering what they were trying to escape tonight.

I’m sorry, Dana, but the results came back negative. You are not pregnant.

Scully could hear the words in her head. But she felt Mulder’s empathy, that he was feeling a similar pain. She realized that he lost something too; even if it was unspoken between them, she knew he saw it too. A future.

His words made her smile softly. She looked at him with a tenderness in her eyes he had only seen a handful of times. He saw it in her while she was fighting cancer, while she talked to Emily, while she was informing him of a death of a good friend, when his mother died... and now recently, through the IVF process, he had been seeing more often.

"We're still hoping, right?" He asked, giving her a tender smile.

Scully didn't answer with words. Instead, she set her wine glass on the coffee table and put her arms around him. Her head fell into his chest and they both breathed deeply.

Because of the awkward position of their legs, he decided to lean back and lay down, resting his head on a throw pillow. She accepted his gesture to lay down, remaining in the same position on his chest taking more deep breaths as she remembered the day allover again. He stroked some hair away from her face as his other arm was wrapped tightly around her.

They laid like that for a while, watching the old black and white movie which was full of music and dancing. He waited for her to speak, and if she didn't say anything, he wouldn't mind falling asleep here. Like this.

"Mulder?" Her groggy voice asked. She looked up at him and he hummed in response. "Have you ever felt like there's more? Not... in the universe. But more for you, in this life, in your life. Have you thought of having a family before? Not that it's for everybody."

He continued to gently stroke her hair and replied, "Of course I have, Scully."

Scully nodded in understanding. She didn't resent him for his freedom to start a family if he wanted to; She just wished he could see the joy of it.

There was a pause before Scully started, "At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a family, but after years of traveling, seeing unimaginable things, going through some of the hardest situations of my life... I think at some point, I realized that what I really wanted was one of the most attainable things in the modern world. I can't explain it. Somehow it was the only thing that could be enough for me." She paused for a beat to look up at him. "Do you ever feel that way?"

Mulder met her eyes and rested his thumb on her cheek. He got lost in her gaze for a moment and replied, "I think I'm starting to."

He thought for a moment.

"I think after finding out what happened to my sister, I've started to see things differently. I've accepted the freedom given to me, but it feels emptier than I thought it would."

Finally, she felt a sense of unity between them. Like for the first time, they were on the same page.

Scully then propped herself up on his chest to meet his level and Mulder's arm remained wrapped tightly around her.

She evaluated their position: his arm gripping her waist, her hand on his chest, the smell of wine on his warm breath. This made her heart start thumping a little faster.

An actress in the movie they were watching started singing a song, a romantic song about moonlight and longing. The song seemed to engulf the room, and it was the only thing Scully could hear besides the blood in her ears.

He looked good tonight. Really good. The kitchen light made his features look warm and inviting. His eyes scanned her face, a soft smile appearing on his lips, and she knew she looked quite beautiful herself. She felt beautiful.

Scully then realized she had been staring a little too long without saying anything, and he gave her a subtle squeeze at her hip which reminded her he was actually there.

All this time, they've kept each other at a comfortable distance; seven long years of emotional cushion room, but closing the gap just enough to sneak longing looks and hold hands in the dark.

They could say it's their careers, or they're different people, or they have different desires. But mostly, and they both knew this, it was a shared fear of rejection - that being alone was better than searching for acceptance from someone other than themselves. And they could tell themselves it was enough for them, remaining people who keep each other at a comfortable distance, or they could give in and take a risk for something more.

Mulder swallowed and felt his heart begin to race. He couldn't believe how gorgeous she looked in low light, and he wanted nothing more than to pull her in closer. She was looking at him, almost a drunken haze in her eyes, except she'd only had a glass and a half. Her eyes were bluer than he's ever seen them, and her hair had fallen to frame her face beautifully. Everything was adding onto the emotions clouding his brain - her chest breathing against him, his thumb stroking a bit of bare skin at her hip, their stolen glances at each other's lips...

"Mulder..." she began, her voice hushed and her eyes scanning his face. "...Why are we choosing to be alone?"

Mulder processed her question for a moment. He was tucking some hair behind her ear when he noticed her cheeks were red. He wasn't sure if she was flushed from the wine, or if she was nervous to ask her question. He left his hand resting on her jaw.

If his mouth was dry before, it was a desert now. He was trying to read her face, to predict what would happen next, but only his answer would determine that. He could swear she was inching closer towards him, but it may just be the gravitational pull he felt tugging him to her.

"Are you saying... we have a choice?" He asked quietly, not-so-discreetly staring at her lips now.

She was looking at him in a way that made him dizzy. He couldn't tell if the buzz was from the glass of wine he drank or the way she was making him feel. She, too, seemed to be transfixed on his mouth now.

Scully nodded yes.

He had to remind himself to breathe.

"I-uh-.." He started to form a reply when Scully leaned in closer, not breaking her gaze from his lips. She hovered there, waiting for him to respond.

"Scully.." he said, his breath brushing her lips.

She was too hesitant of her actions, so Mulder reassured her by responding quickly. He pulled her in with the hand that was cupping her cheek, finally placing his lips onto hers. It suddenly felt like a curse broke inside both of them and each one of their fears were fleeing with every second. This kiss wasn't like they had shared for a brief moment at New Year's, this one was urgent and freeing.

His hands wove themselves in her hair, while hers clung to the nape of his neck. Their lips moved at a steady pace, only breaking away to change angles.  The hand that gripped her waist was now trailing up and down her back, catching some bare skin every now and then as her shirt rode up. They couldn't count the seconds, or the minutes, or tell how long the movie had been over since this kiss had started, but Mulder knew he didn't want it to end.

Without breaking their kiss, Scully lifted herself up and put her legs on either side of him, now straddling his waist. It gave him a bit of sobriety as to where things were heading for them tonight, so he slowly broke away. Both of his thumbs were stroking her cheeks now, him and Scully breathing heavy against each other. She was looking at him in a way he had never seen and that made his stomach stir with excitement.

"Scully, I'm-"

"I don't want you to go home tonight," she interjected firmly.

He nodded in understanding, and smiled to tell her that's what he wanted too.

***

Moonlight peered in, leaving bright lines across both of their bodies. The room was still and quiet as they laid there together, Scully softly playing with Mulder's fingers. He held her from behind, and she fit perfectly into his embrace.

"I'm glad I stayed," he hummed softly into her ear. It made her shiver a little bit.

“I’m sorry I ruined your Friday night plans,” She joked.  

“Good one.” He kissed her shoulder gently and breathed her in.

"What's work gonna be like on Monday?" She asked.

"Scully..." He groaned.

"I'm just asking, Mulder," she exclaimed, her voice sounding defensive. "We need to discuss things so they won't become problems later."

"It's going be like working, Scully, but now we have this cool secret that everyone already assumes of us anyway," he said, a touch of sarcasm in his tone. "Don't worry. Just sleep."

His arms felt warm on her belly, which in turn made her feel safe. Mulder smiled as he held her even closer.