#youd think doing that will make me feel better but i think ill just end up being jealous on both ends

[greasydumbfuck]

maybe i should get into daredevil too

[m0chis-cafe]

Hello! This is my first time making a request, if it's okay, can I get a reader with Lillia, Rook, Vil and Leona who has recently been suffering from insomnia and anxiety about returning home (comfort in the end) Please? 😔🎀

i absolutely love this, i get horrible insomia. i gotchu♡

(edit: i ended up focusing on one more than the other in some, but both are mentioned. hope u still like it *mwah*)

reader suffering from insomnia and anxiety about returning home.. ⋆⑅˚₊

word count: 1.5k

warnings: mentioning of anxiety, and panic attacks (there will be major comfort though), sitting in laps, kissing, joking to help, mentioning of what happens in each of the characters books (i hope yall have read em before but js in case)

characters: leona, rook, vil, and lilia

leona kingscholar🦁

you paced the botanical gardens on campus, hands tangling in your hair s you thoughts went a million miles a second..

how am i going to get home?

how is my family.. god i miss them..

if im forced to stay here.. how do i even pass these crazy magic classes?

do the people here ive come to know even want me here or are they forced to cause i cant leave..

every new thought was another anxiety that just caused your breath to quicken. your thoughts were flooded with negatives.. if you had magic this is what youd assume a magic blot would feel like.. so much negative emotions piling into you all at once.

you eventually sat below a tree, knees curled to your chest as you tried to calm yourself down. it didnt help that you hadent slept in days, insomnia only getting worse since coming to nightraven.

yet no matter what you did your breaths wouldnt calm, your hands kept shaking, and you couldnt hear or see straight. you almost jumped right out of your skin as you felt hands grab your own that covered your face. looking up you saw brown hair and ears.. leona?

his voice made its way to you eventually, "herbavore? herbavore.. seriously c'mon your worrying me. ruggie said you ran off but i didnt think itd be this bad." he mumbled to himself before his hands slipped dwon to your biceps, "hey, listen to me." he spoke firmly.

your eyes eventually meet him, your breaths calmling slightly at his presence. taking large breaths through your lips as you looked up at him, arms shaking in his hold. "dont fall out on me now, we need you." he spoke lowly as he scopped you up with ease, placing you betwen his legs, "your alright now herbivore, whatevers going on in that head of yours, its gonna be alright, yea?" he placed a kiss on your forhead allowng you time to breath normally.

when your breaths calmed and body began to calm, you sighed and leaned more into his body, "thank you.. leona". he chuckled deeply, sloching more down the tree, letting you fall into his chest. "its fine kid, just glad your fine. did something happen?". your eyes widened before spilling, explaining your thoughts to him slowly, anxious to be a burden. when you ended he rolled his eyes and strted laughing.. at you?..

huh?

"you seriously think anyone here doesnt want you here? i think at this point those first years would fall apart without you, and as for finding your way home, crawley better. or ill personally kick his ass, alright herbavore?" you simply nodded your head and leaned into him smiling, "your really not as bad as they say you are.."

vil schoenheit🧺

vi had become obsessed with training for the dance competittion, day after day everyone was practicing for hours every day. you tried to be nothin bt supportive but your insomnia had only gotten worse with the recent stress of the compettition..

what will happen if we dont win?

everyone else looks so tired..

god im so tired.. when was the last time i slept multiple hours?

i wish i could just go home already..

you guys had gotten the first brea of the day, you sat against the wall between kalim and ace as they yapped about how excited they were to preform next week. listening to them had you distracted, your eyes fluttering closed.

a hand was placed on your shoulder, looking up you saw jamil crouched in front of you, "are you alright? you look terrible prefect" you heard ace and kalim repremand him for being so blunt, but you just shook your head trying to wake up, "im fine jamil.. just tired, thank you though"

he looked skeptical but quickly turned to make sure kalim was drinking water and taking a proper break. ace mumbled something under his breath that you barley couldnt catch before he stood up and walked towards vil who was with rook and epel, who were talking across the room.

you saw vil look down at ace with his arms crossed, he glanced at you as ace pointed a finger to you. vil abandoned his conversation with epel and rook, shooing away the others around you, "why wouldnt you say that you havent been sleeping, thats not proper conditions for you to be proforming in prefect."

"im fine vil-", he rolled his eyes and cut you off, "you look anything but, stand" he reached a hand down to you, pulling you up from the ground. your head swam with spots when you rose too quickly, stumbling into vil.

he wrapped his arms around your waist, holding you up, "poision.. is somethng truley wrong?" you looked up at him, eyes wide as he read you like a book. he quickly took your hand and dragged you out of the practice room and into the lounge at pomefiore.

he sat you down in one of the chairs and crouched in fron tof you, holding your face in his hands, "speak to me.." you sighed before explaining what had been happening, the stresses and not sleeping, the thoughts of never being able to go home.

he sighed and stood, sitting beside you and tugging you into his side, "i wish you would speak up when this happens, you know that id never wish to add to your burdens." he placed a kiss to your forhead before continuing, "we will find a way for you to go home, no matter how bitter sweet itll be, i do hope we find a way for you to go back and forth.. we would all miss you terribly here.. especially me." at his words you sighed and relaxed into his side, "ill find a way back, i could never just leave you guys.. especially you.

rook hunt🪶

you thought itd be easy to hide your emotions recently, but knowing rook he proably could already see through your mind..

i hope i can go home soon..

i wonder if time has passed back home and if my family is worried about me..

i need to stop stresing, i havent slept at all recently

these magic classes are getting harder with the lack of magic

you thought you kept a pretty good mask on arround others, yet as soon as you were walking from potions alone with rook he spoke up, "mon cheri.. have you been sleeping enough? your beauty is as blinding as always, alas you seem more tired than usual."

you shouldve known better than to try to keep something from him, he finds out everything sooner rathar than latter, "im alright, just worried about getting home, i guess its been affecting my sleep.."

"well theres no use in worrying cheri! i garuntee they will find a way to send you home! with that said i think a long rest for you is in place." he spoke cherfully as he laced your hands together and dragged you to pomefiore, you smiled at his actions and followed along.. he always here to look after me

lilia vanrough🦇

after dealing with blots from every other house, you thought hanging around diasmonia would be calming. yet as you sat in the lounge with silver, sebek, lilia, and malleus your thought still didnt stop running..

whos going to over-blot next?

will the next one be more powerful.. maybe too powerful..

i didnt have these struggles at home

even my sleep scheduals gotten worse.. late nights staying up with lilia and idia playing games have become much more often an occurance

im supposed to be relaxing, just breath..

your mind spaced out as you looked at the floor in front of you while stuck in thought. your hands tangled into your blazer sleeves as your breath quickened, your vision began to see spots before you felt a hand rest on top of your own in your lap.

"prefect, is something the matter?" your head snapped up and saw lilia who was sat beside you, a concerned look for once took over his boyish grin, "your not looking too good.. are you ill?" he placed a hand on you forhead attempting to asses if you were running a fever.

"im alright.. just missing home" you mumbled, offering him a small smile as you placed your head on his shoulder. he sighed, raisng your hand to press a kiss on the back of your hand, "well find a way for you to go back, i promise it my dear."

he wrapped an arm around your waist pulling you to lean more into him, "in the mean time, you havent been sleeping and its clear, get some rest prefect" his boyish grin returned as he pecked your cheek. he was right.. everything was gonna be ok.

you finally felt comfortble enough to fall into a deep sleep against him, with grim curled up into your lap mumbling about his dreams of tuna. surronded by people you became found of over you stay at nightraven, it wouldnt be bad to stay here, but you knew that there would be a way home.

[ambrozjas]

johnny with a shy reader

johnny and ponyboy x shy!reader hc’s ꨄ︎

johnny cade x reader, ponyboy curtis x reader (separate)

✧˖*°࿐notes 🧸 ᰔᩚ

aaah!! loved this request!! i put my soul into these small blurbs 😭 i got two reqs for johnny and pony x shy reader so i just decided to kill two birds with one stone, yknow?

✧˖*°࿐warnings ᰔᩚ

mentions of scars in johnny’s, lmk if i missed anything!!

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄

❥ first off, JOHNNY is also a little shy and quiet so you two would legit probably be the quietest people in the room

❥ i feel like youd guys would be very in tune with each other though, like even with just one look, you guys could understand each other

❥ like i could just imagine you and johnny sitting next to each other, you fiddling with his hands when nobody’s paying attention to you two

❥ like you guys can just understand each other, no words needed??

❥ do you get what i mean 😭😭??

❥ that being said though, if needed, johnny will come to your aid

❥ like, if dally’s bothering you an awful ton or you’re getting picked on, he’d def stand up for you in his own little way

❥ you both are quiet but nothing gets better than the late night whispers of affection you two exchange

❥ LIKEE..???

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈ ｡ﾟ

“how come you ain’t talk much either, johnny?” you asked the boy in front of you, who lay on his side in your bed, gazing into your eyes with that kicked puppy dog look as usual.

you and johnny were never chatty, who needed words when you guys could just understand one another just by a blink?

everybody used to joke how you guys could communicate telepathically, but sometimes that thought didn’t seem so silly. it was like you guys were telepaths, and you could just read each others mind at any time.

but even with few words, you two didn’t get bored. it was at night when all the words came out. which is where you were now, tracing johnny’s scars with a gentle hand, nothing but love and admiration coating your touch.

he seemed to think for a moment, eyes darting around your face as if to memorize every feature of your face in case one day he’d never see it again.

“only words i seem to ‘ave are f’you,” he paused, taking a second to lick his slightly chapped lips, “feels like you the only person who actually hears me.” he confessed, looking back into your eyes and almost wincing, waiting for the blows that never come. he waited for the insults that would never dare leave your lips, but when you didn’t say anything, it almost made his nerves worse.

“johnny cade.” you said his name, eyes not leaving his face once. “yeah..?” he whispered, almost inaudible.

“i love you.”

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

❥ you and PONYBOY are literally so cute together

❥ ponyboy is somewhat more talkative than johnny, so he’d be able to make more conversation, even if it’s awkward

❥ but sometimes ponyboy is a bit oblivious , so you might need to be a little more forward with how youre feeling

❥ sodapop always teases you both with how shy you are with each other

❥ would be more direct with telling people off for teasing you with ill intentions though

❥ you guys saw how bold he was for spitting at bob 😭

❥ AND UGH JUST IMAGINE HIM READING TO YOUUU

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡

your head was in ponyboy��s lap as he read one of his favorite books to you, ‘great expectations’. he was mid sentence before you dozed off, his hand buried in your hair and gently rubbing at your scalp with his free hand.

“.. and the clocks all stopped together. an e..ep—épergne, or center piece of some kind was in the middle of this cloth.’ did i say that right?” he had asked you, unaware that you had already nodded off.

“hey? you there?” he asked, tilting his head forward a little bit to check on your face, before taking notice of your sleepy state.

“oh—! shit..” he whispered. his hand still caressed your head, a soothing mechanism so you wouldn’t wake up. he couldn’t help but look lovingly at you in your serene state, how did he end up with such a perfect partner?

he smiled softly, before readjusting the book in his hand and continuing to read, still scratching at your scalp with his right hand. he didn’t mind if his legs fell asleep, as long as you got some sleep was all that matters.

boy, was ponyboy whipped.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ dkfkejddksk SORRY I HAVENT BEEN PUMPING OUT FICS THAT MUCH IVE BEEEN SOO BUSY WITH SCHOOLWORK !!

kiss kiss ˗ˏˋ꒰ 🍒 ꒱

[opal-owl-flight]

I absolutely adore your agent lore SO MUCH it feels really canon to me, just in a darker and realistic way!!

I am kind of wondering what your thoughts are on octavio, especially in this verse- if you have any of course LMAO 👍 so fair if you don't he just lives in my braincells rent free.

"You. Were not so different, you and I."

"|Shut. Up. Dont compare yourself to me. I did everything for this fragile world. A world you yourself almost destroyed twice.|"

"Aah, so did I, young squid. So did I."

3 rounds on the imprisoned geezer. Some thanks he got, after saving the world. The Captain was almost as bad as their old superior.

He only crosses his arms tighter as they clacked their beak.

"|The destruction of my world does not justify yours' survival.|"

Theres a dry chuckle from within the glass globe.

"Which world has the zapfishes. Which world is close to the sky? Which world allows everyone to...act the way you do. That annoyingly fresh attitude that just rubs in our face how much better you have it."

3s looking more unsure now, their hands clasping tight on their arms whenever theyre not signing. Thats a surprise.

"Mm. Do you understand, agent?"

The hesitance disappears, and their eyes and spots glint threateningly. "|Im the Captain now, and I will prefer to be referred to as such.|"

The king rolls his eyes. Mocks a salute.

"Stuffy kid. Damn. Alright, Captain.

Let me illuminate it a little more clearly for you.

You train your agents to keep my people underground. Sometimes, to the point of breaking their spirit. Because you want to keep them safe -- from me, from my troops, from anything the rough seas can throw at em. Right?"

"|I dont do it like you do. Hypnosis? Mind control? Eight ran away because of that!|"

"Who told you I used that on my entire nation? Damn old fool, that Craig.

As for your "Agent Eight"...

that one...

...had her reasons.

I hold no ill will towards her, or the others, for running.

In fact, I dont blame them one bit."

3 squints.

"They wanted a life that I cannot provide.

Its hard, underground. Constant energy crisis. Constant food shortage. Constant resource depletion. Who would stay? Except those who want to make it a better world to live in?

And you, Captain. What would you do in my place?"

And they stay quiet...

Before their voice rasps through a low hiss.

"Act...in a way... you wont."

"Hoh! So you can speak! Impressive.

But you know youd do similar. Ive heard how much Agent 4 hates your guts. Its not as easy being a leader, isnt it."

3 hisses louder, balling their fists.

"I...am not...you."*

"Yes. You. Are." The king presses his tentacles on the glass. "I did all I did for my fragile world. I continue to run my nation the way I do so everyone stays safe from the danger YOU bring. You and the REST of your nation. My troops are family. My troops are all Ive got."

He casts a glance at 4 (pre-Captain my Captain), who was approaching for her training.

"Even if they end up hating me."*

3 catches 4s gaze.

"Even if they end up deserting."

4 turns her gaze away, to look directly at Octavio.

"Do you understand?"

Now its 3 who looks, understanding dawning in their eyes.

Hes right.

"I must do what I need to, even if it hurts me. Id risk my life, my honor, my everything, for my people.

If I dont, who else will?"

3 thinks of the times theyd swooped in to save the newly returned 4 from hazards in the newer missions. The verbal and physical abuse from her beak and fists. The way they had to give her easier missions despite saying that it was tougher, just so shed have a more gradual growth. Have higher chances of surviving. Even if...underhanded.

4 herself breaks the silence, and their train of thought.

"Talking to the damn geezer again, Captain?"

"|He spoke first.

...but he makes good points.|"

"You cant seriously- hey. HEY! CAPTAIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!"

theres a loud crash.

"|I dont think it fair to keep him here after he helped us save the world.|"

"Hohohoh! You are not so bad, Captain."

"GRAMPS IS GOING TO KILL YOU."

"Hah! No he wont. I know your old man. And for once in his life, he actually made a good call.

Captain.

Agent Three."

The mention of their old number, to refer to them, almost made tears spring to their eyes.

Almost.

After all, this was the reason they were dragged into this mess. But can they really keep blaming him for all this, after all this time?

Octavio shows...a hint of a smile.

"You make a fine protege for the man I used to know.

Keep it up."

3 holds 4 back from rushing the Octarian leader. "Go...back. Take care...of your people."

"Aye aye. Heheh. So long, suckers!!!"

And he was gone.

[wszczebrzyszynie]

i’ve been reading through the space miner au posts and the rancher essay just sent me over the moon (haha). i MUST know more about imp and skizz when you have the time thank you <3

Unseparable since childhood, they know each other better than anyone. Both went into space mining (which is how they met Tango) very early in their life, probably as teenagers, which would make them basically veterans now, and therefore very experienced in all things mining related. After their last mine and base collapsed, leaving Impulse without an arm, they both left and settled for something different; not entirely sure what they do now, other than harboring a wanted terrorist every now and then, but its something radio and communication related. Quite a jump from their last job, but after the collapse space mining left them with less than positive feelings

(More more or less related things to explain some things below, so that it wont be a giant wall of text on the dash. Fixed because tumblr ruined formatting)

i feel like this is a good moment to mention a bit more about what space mining even is, other than being just... mining in space. there are a few different layers to space mining as a profession, depending on the ore and place (its stability, temperature and everything else needed to be taken into account with human workers); it doesnt really target asteroids (which is why i dont call it asteroid mining), only planets and moons. Despite being assumed to be a more presigious job, it really isnt, at least most of the time; Jimmys experience, for example, is very much comparable to mining on earth, and payed as such. Impulse and Skizz, on the other hand, got to do the cool sci fi idea of space mining, much more dangerous (in places that arent in any way friendly to humans that the miners cant really leave easily before the end of their work season, i guess. not sure how to call it), but also more fun, as it includes the use of mobile suits. This is how sculk is mined, as it tends to exist in places humans shouldve never been in.

(Jimmy also has a mobile suit license, as it just... comes with doing that job, but never had to use one on any of the mining sites. When i talk mobile suits think less Eva and more... chunky and grey. something like the demi series from gwitch. I wanted to include mechs because i like mechs 👍 and i think using giant robots for mining is really cool)

the idea itself is not based on any real-ish possibilities or whatever of asteroid mining; i would much rather it be read in a way youd read a space sci fi from the space race era. specifically from the side of the eastern bloc... its where the retro part of retrofuturistic comes in this au. If i had to introduce the world more, id say that space colonisation started more than century and a half ago (for the time of the au, that is) and durning space race itself. Even though the cold war has been over way before all characters were even born, there still is a clear space divide influenced by it; not all places are avilable for everyone with a spaceship, but it slowly starts opening up and mixing with itself. It very much goes into alternative history but its not the focus of the au so ill just leave it at that. Bit of a worldbuilding thing. I say all that because i find the idea of what esentially is space juma (travelling to germany from poland specifically to steal and traffic small high value items and also cars durning the 80s and 90s and still today sometimes) and all things similar stupidly fun. Thats why Tango has to hotwire his spaceship. Theres a chance im the only person who likes this kind of story atmosphere and its ok its my au. Sorry for going off topic from the ask it just kind of happened. Bless

[zan0tix]

May I just say I really really appreciate your approach to and respect for the transfemininity embedded in Homestuck. Like the fact that you depict Jake as a kind of "genderfuck" (for lack of a better word) character without trying to divorce that from transfemininity as so many others do, as well as being able to depict Roxy with certain clocky characteristics without disregarding her femininity or making it feel fetish-y, is all really admirable in my eyes. It gets extremely frustrating seeing large swathes of the fandom constantly trying to separate the story of Homestuck from transfemininity despite it having a transfem enby author, so I really appreciate that you don't shy away from it in your art :)

I am so glad!!!!! Its something ive Always noticed in like every fandom since i first got onto the internet the disparity between the amount of transfems i knew vs how often their story got to be uplifted in fandom spaces or get to be celebrated how transmascs did considering how queer dominated they are but then i grew up and realised how badly male centric queer spaces are too😭

Homestuck is one of the spaces that has a big amount of transfems openly engaging in fandom activities and that makes me really happy to see! since i often see gross rhetoric from transmascs or cis women about fandom spaces abt “who is allowed” and “fandom being a safe space” cough blatant transmisogyny (sobs everywhere its so bad)

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW PPL BRUSH PAST HUSSIE BEING TRANS SO OFTEN ISNT THAT INSANE. To me it reframes homestuck how the creators of the matrix being trans does. Like I dunno maybe that informed the works presentation of gender somehow. Maybe all the commentary and critique and displays of frustration at the contradictory nature of gender but especially trying to fit “being a man” in society came from somewhere when they were writing it 🤔🤔🤔 hussie said it herself that alot of homestuck was just stream of consciousness. Everything that comes out of daves mouth near the end seemed very plausible to be a reflection of hussies own journey realising that Actually these boundaries of what defines A Good Man and A Good Woman are ridiculous and no person can possibly live up to that no matter what were told from birth.

But i try my best to reflect the innate transfemininity of homestuck and the majority of its cast, its something integral to the works themes and just the community who built it! It saddens me how skittish other transmascs are about engaging with or portraying the transfeminine stories when its just. Practically textual. And all you need to do is Listen and empathise. I love learning how other feminine people see themselves in this story like how often do you get such a menagerie of in depth fem characters. And i love seeing what the experiences transfems see echoed in homestuck are because its all such insightful stuff About femininity and its beauty and its ills all at once. Roxy..kanaya.. wipes tear from my eye.

I want to actively include and celebrate transfem features and bodies as much as transmasc ones get to be around here and i am glad my jake and roxy do feel that way 🥹🥹 my aim with my designs is to make them feel like some everyday people youd see, no fetishisation/sexualisation or demonisation, just Existing and appreciating. Because i know how much it can mean to see yourself in something and for that to be treated with care and kindness. Its why i create in the first place! Because of how others creations gave me that comfort when i couldnt find it elsewhere

I feel similarly about how people portray fat women or just like. Women in general. its sad how badly the whole sexualisation = acceptance warps how people portray things fatness or transfem features. Never ever saying these things arent hot or sexy or to be appreciated. Duh. I think how i portray jake says enough abt what i think of that LOL just that It feels like its the only way people try and show theyre accepting? Which just feels so gross and dehumanising the only way they think to display they feel empathy is through saying “Yeah i can get off to people like you”😭

Rlly bad in society in general so also in the homestuck space. Worlds hardest challenge is liking the alpha kids. Im so sorry for what they do to you jane and roxy🥲🥲🥲 Its baffling because Homestuck is Prime Example Numero Uno of how to humanise characters. Just display them being people; their thoughts, their feelings, their insecurities, their passions, their woes, their loves, their losses. So much can be communicated through how a character speaks with their friends.

I wana do that for jake and roxy! They get to be dimensional too! I like showing their laughs and their sorrows, just them Existing with the people around them. They get to be a part of the lighthearted comedy just as the rest of them do. They get to be a part of all the gender and sexuality insanity going on in their friend group, can point out their flaws and mistakes and insecurities. I dunno its rlly not that hard to just empathise with them and want to tell their stories.

I am so invested in the raw unabashed Humanity of homestuck. Its just one person pouring their brain contents into this huge thing and it displays the best and the worst and the absurdity and the questions. Its so interesting and hussies transness IS JUST BAKED INTO IT. Thus the characters contain that too and it kinda stinks of transmisogyny to throw that out!

YAPPING TOO MUCH OMG but i rlly appreciate this ask🫶🫶🫶makes me so happy to hear

[ilovechubbieguys]

Chapter 3🍓

-lmk if you guys have any criticism i love criticism as long as its respectful!! Enjoy! Chapter 2 here!

-------------------------🍓-----------------------

"Blake?.."

He turned around with a sour look on his face. I mean god he looked so diffrent i had no clue it was him.

I mean can you blame me! Its been 5 years since high school. Im shocked he recognized me to fast.

Theres no way hes still mad?! He knows i had nothing to do with any of that. Right? I mean ya i was there but iiii didnt do anything. That was all jenny and her boyfriend. I was simply a bystander. Kinda.. not really.

I do feel bad now that i think about it... he didnt deserve that. No one does. God i was such a little bitch in highschool

------------epic flash back memory------------

Jenny: heyy blake

Blake: oh uh hey jenny

Jenny: i wanted to ask you something

Blake: uh ya sure whats up

Jenny: did you have a date to prom yet?

Blake: no, no i dont why

Jenny: oh ok great! You know my friend y/n?

Blake: ya ive seen her around

Jenny: well she was wondering if youd go with her!

Blake: wait really?

Jenny: ya here ill put her number in your phone!

Blake: ok sounds good

--------end of epic flashback memory---------

Long story short it was all a joke. I stood him up at prom just for the fun of it...

I know im an asshole but i couldnt say no to jenny shed ruin me! She was the most powerful girl at school

And ive changed! I could never do somthing lile that to someone now.. i just hope i can make him see that

I walked back to the living room and saw issac was back but blake had left. I dont blame him between his getting yelled at by tanner and being faced with his highschool bully i wouldnt be shocked if he didnt come out till i left.

After a while of talking me and tanner ended up in his room taking turns taking hits from a cart tanner swore was his.

We where talking about everything and everything, you know high thoughts. Suddenly the door bust open "TANNER DO YOU HAVE MY NEW C-" it was blake

He stopped dead in his tracks staring at me, cart in hand mid hit. I froze up not knowing what to do. Was i smoking his cart right now...

I swear im gonna kill tanner.

"Tanner. Is that my cart shes hitting right now."

"Maybe..."

"OMG IM SO SORRY TANNER SAID IT WAS HIS"

"Just keep it i dont want it now that its been anywhere near you"

What. Did he just call me dirty..😧 i looked over at tanner "im gonna kill you."

Some time goes by and i decide i should go apologize to blake and not just for the cart. Tanner told me which room was his and i knock on his door.

*knock knock*

"Blake? Its y/n"

I dont hear a responce so i go in. Hes sitting at his desk playing seige. I take a look around his room. Rugs on the wall? Thats an interesting choice but i liked it.

I asume he didnt hear me so i walk up to his chair and tap his shoulder lightly trying to not scare him.

"Blake?"

He pulls the left side of his headphones off his ear but doesnt turn to you, to focused on the current match hes in.

"Hey blake i just wanted to say im sorry... and not just for the cart. Which i will replace.."

He doesnt say anything but you hear him sigh "ya like id believe that." Fair point

"Im serious blake i dont know why i was such a bitch in highschool you didnt deserve that..." i tried to sound as genuine as possible

"Well you where a bitch and thats that. Now get out"

Oh my god. He is impossible and ya sure im a better person but im still not gonna put up with disrespect "listen blake im trying here ok which is alot better then nothing at all" you say matter of a factly. I notice he had died in his game as his screen lit up red

He stood up from his chair and turned to me "ya hallelujah your a saint, a changed person thats great bye" he got pretty damn close to me for hating me and all

Ill admit him being this close to me made me relize he really was cute... maybe if he didnt hatw my guts hes a nice guy who knows..

But i sure as hell am not giving up this easily.

---------------------------------------------------

GUYS ILL ADMIT THIS CHAPTER WAS NOT THE BEST IM SORRY 😭😭I GOTTA BUILD CONTEXT.

[gamblersdoll]

ITS THE MATTER OF IT … chapter 4

tw: mentions of busts, nasty things.

for a better reading experience, please listen to the following songs “i will possess your heart” by chained to the bottom of the ocean and “kaizoku” by ibaraki on spotify, apple music, or youtube. enjoy!

your heart was racing, but not out of fear.

not by anxiety, but by defense.

“its been a while, y/n.” sukuna said, how could he say that when you havent even met him before? “its been a while since ive seen that face.”

so this is what he kind of looked like. tattoos on his face made yuuji look rugged. but if you had to ruin it, then oh well be it. you should arm yourself, you had thought to yourself. it seemed like sukuna already understood it.

“theres no need to defend yourself, i already said you wouldnt be harmed unless you provoke me.” he chuckled, getting closer and examining you. his eyes felt like he would’ve devoured you, like a damn maniac. he more than likely would have if it was his thing or not.

“the only thing thats changed is your tits.” he said amused. he eyed them, licking his teeth as if wanted to bite them. you wouldve felt your face get hot from the king of curses talking about it….

but you didnt.

“what is it.” you meant to sound like a question was being asked, but because of your tone and demeanor it sounded like you were talking at sukuna, not to. luckily for you, he didnt catch onto that, instead he looked happy that you were at least speaking.

“you know what,” sukuna paused, lowering his gaze. “you surely dont think that i was just making an appearance to say hi, do you? or do you not believe you are the reinca-“

“–i am not some reincarnation!” you growled out, cutting him off. that shouldve been a mistake on your end, but for some reason he didnt care. “im just … me.” you trailed off.

“you look the same way you did a thousand years ago, little one.” he chuckled, practically in your face. you bet he only smelled decent since yuuji was decent with hygiene. “whether you like it or not, you are. eventually, youll grow happy that you are— or maybe just comfortable with the fact that you and i…” he took his finger and pointed back and forth between himself and you.

“we have history. whether the memories or knowledge comes to you, we do. and there isnt anything you can do.” he laughed, his pearly whites on display and he put his hands on your shoulders. “now that you are here though…”

“why didnt you say anything back then.” he asked, when the fuck did he have you cornered? this was bad, real bad.

“yes, because i completely remember what exactly happened during a thousand years ago.” you sarcastically said, rolling your eyes. “remind me of what happened with–“ you made air quotation marks with your fingers, “me and you?”

“we were close, you had feelings i guess yaddy yadda yadda.. you developed hanahaki disease, you died.” sukuna recalled, growing sarcastic as well. “why didnt you say anything to me?” he asked, growing serious again.

“realistically speaking, if i were to admit my feelings to you, you either wouldnt care, youd laugh in my face while laying down with another woman, or would just kill me and move on with your life.” you said in a matter of factly tone, he was a cursed spirit after all.

could he even experience love like emotions at all?

“you could be wrong, considering how strong you were before.” he said, which made your ears ring.

did this motherfucker call you weak?

“are you saying im weak?” you asked, planning to make a move, which could result in sudden death or a missing limb if he felt forgiving.

“not exactly, but since you are reincarnated, we never know if youre rusty or your strength depleted.” he said, taking several steps back. “if you land a blow on me, ill take back what i said, and ill settle with any conditions you may have for me.”

“and if not, then you have to accept that you are what people say you are, and youll have to work under me.” he said—

a challenge.

and a challenge that granted you authority in some areas.

…

…..

……

a challenge that seemed unrealistic!

you had been working your ass off to land a blow, not even bothering to use your domain. you were simply out of breath, your hair a mess from the constant movement.

“this isnt the beginning of you, y/n.” sukuna had said with his hands in his pockets. he was certainly worried you had lost your abilities over a thousand years, but he also thought you were always a teasing woman.

come on, y/n, think.

think, goddamnit, think!

would it.. work on him?

you ran towards him knowing he would throw his hit first—

until black particles floated in the air, forming in the shape of the human skeleton. sukuna’s eyes widen, focusing on the black matter in-front of him, bringing its fist back to throw a punch—

until he realized that you were also landing a blow into his abdomen, now having to deal with a blow in the face but also in his beloved stomach.

a reversed curse technique, is what made you, you. you could separate your soul from your body into black matter, allowing the soul to fight with you, along side of your original body. making you somewhat immortal, only in certain circumstances would it kill you.

only one knew of this technique… only one had done it successfully a thousand years ago, against sukuna, and won.

sukuna had looked away and spat, laughing at nothing. you had landed a blow– two matter of fact. he then looked at you, and smiled.

“what do you feel?” he asked, he knew you had to have felt it, too.

deja vu.

“ive… been here before.” you admitted, watching him smile the wicked grin he carried.

———

“so… what did you tell him?”yuuji asked, eating his burger on your bed that you specifically told him not to do. he had laid down plastic wrap around him though to not ruin your satin silk bedding, which you’d appreciated.

“he doesn’t cause mass destruction, him not killing anyone unless necessary, and how hed teach me some things since i had won.” you said, eating a chicken philly. yuuji had since learned you loved them, occasionally eating steak philly but preferring chicken. so, the boy had brought you one. what a sweetie.

“oh! well.. thats good— hey i think we should sleep, since nobara had planned for us to hang out tomorrow all day.” he reminded, getting up and leaning down to hug you.

when did you both decide to start hugs, was beyond you.

“goodnight!” yuuji said, waving at you and you only replying with a “night.” made him smile. only when he reached his bed was when it went down hill for him…

or uphill?

“can you please stop talking about it?” yuuji asked sukuna, sukuna had decided to breakdown what had happened with you and him. but sukuna was infact a perv— of course he was, hes a curse!

“you dont look at y/n and think about how deep you could go in that–“ yuuji had cut sukuna off,

“stop it!” yuuji had growled out at him, only causing sukuna to laugh uncontrollably at his little outburst. “shes more than that!”

“well of course she is, but you gunna sit here and tell me you wouldnt tap that?” sukuna had asked, growing curious. yuuji had stayed quiet, ignoring the question until he thought about you.

the way you said his name, the way you walk, how you didnt take anything, the way you eat…

the way your shirt would tighten around certain areas of your body, the length of your legs. he had let out a frustrated sigh. he would feel bad if he did anything like that to the thought of you, like he was the biggest perv in the world…

but did you think like that about him, too?

honorable tags: @lisaaannna @coldbreadbouquetworld all reposts and shares are appreciated to see more of my work!

…

…..

(chapter 2 of “THE WARM THE COLD THE SIX coming soon!)

[show-us-kaidenshenandoah]

i think im gonna start a series called "Kaiden-Shenandoah's random life tips" bc there's just some odd things i do that make my life easier/more enjoyable. that. like. i dont think make me special?? but most of my loved ones i babble to, when i mention them, will look surprised and be all "damn, that's clever. that's an issue i never thought about, but yeah, i can see how thatd help others/myself. ill have to remember that"

so. this post is all JUST IN CASE it helps someone, even just one person, then the effort will have been entirely worth it. bc sometimes living life is hard and sometimes you just need to hear someone say "oh, what about this possible solution?" to help you out by applying such to your routines or use that suggestion as foundational inspiration for something more customized to your own life or whatever else— just to make living life that little bit easier. and if me sepcifically needing a lot of "oddball" solutions and pre-cautions helps others??? that makes me feel awesome (and less alone), so hell yeah, ill do my best to remember as many tips as i have and be consistent about posting them within this thread. just in case and all that jazz ✌️

(and, even tho this likely DOES NOT need to be said out loud, ill say it anyway as my own proverbial "Bill of Rights" style just-have-it-written-down-in-case-the-worst-happens-in-the-future (but hope for the best) PSA: if these dont apply to you?? or if you think "wtf, people need help with this?? our generation/the next generation is doomed"??? maYHAPS THIS POST ISN'T FOR YOU. this is applicable only to people with lifestyles and/or brains that are similar to me and my loved ones. if you arent of that lifestyle or brain-typage, then thats that lol of course you cant relate. it's an "apples and oranges" thing, y'know. not better/worse or special/normal; just different. it's not something you need, and that's super okay. just don't be rude about the difference. if youd like to be kind and reblog anyway in case any followers or loved ones of yours could be helped by any of this?? that's so fantastic. some of this stuff has some really bad internalized shame about it, or else people have been conditioned to just "keep that to themself; don't talk about it", and either way some of these topics (not all, but still) have people who are hiding their struggle from others as best they can. you don't know what you don't know; and you don't know what people don't tell you. so it's very generous of you, as someone who cant relate to some/all of this stuff, to reblog just in case one of those silent strugglers follow you and/or are a part of your inner-circle. thank you so much for sympathizing with struggles you know your life as is doesn't share and thank you for being kind ♡)

i dont expect this to be helpful to EVERYBODY, and def feel free to just screenshot what is valuable to you and abandon this actual post (just pls dont crop my name out, esp if you end up re-posting your copy to your own blog or on different social-media elsewhere. bc credit is nice lol) bc i assume this will become a long/repetitive post as i update on/off. and most people dont like long posts lmao rip so you dont gotta reblog it if you hate long/repetitive posts or are worried about your followers disliking any long/repetitive post (besides: ill sometimes make one-offs not attached to this post, probably. esp since im forgetful and tumblr is broken/i lose things easily. but ill try to reblog this one for most of them, since thats easier organization for my brain 🫶 lmao)

(but yeah i only have three ideas i wanna do today, but ill come back to this whenever i remember another one ive done thats been helpful to me and/or that i created alongside a loved one that helped them lol)

also pls note that i am dyslexic and do not plan on editing any of this too seriously. so forgive me for mispellings, for forgetting an entire word, and so on. this is me being very casual, so ill inevitably miss some mistakes i make and whatnot

hugs and kisses xoxo best wishes see you later babe

[soupdeewoop]

favorite lines from GUTS (spilled) !!!

if i told you how much i think about her, youd think i was in love

cause i know her star sign, i know her blood type, ive seen every movie shes been in and, oh god, shes beautiful

im starin at her like i wanna get hurt

so be careful, baby

shes got those lips, shes got those hips

and i know you love me, and i know its crazy, but every time you call my name, i think you mistake me for her

but i cant help it, i got issues, i cant help it, baby

is she friends with your friends? is she good in bed?, do you think about her? no, im fine, it doesnt matter, tell me, is she easy-going? never controlling?, well-traveled? well-read? oh god, she makes me so upset

im so obsessed with your ex (god, she makes me so upset, ah), im so obsessed with your, with your ex

perfect, easy, so good to me, so whys there a pit in my gut in the shape of you?, distract myself, say its somethin else, maybe im just overwhelmed, maybe im confused

i say that im fine, i tell you all the time, ive never felt so happy and sure

i cant lie to it the same way that i lie to you

once you let the thought in, then its already done, so ill lay in your arms and pretend that its love

id have the nerve to just stop stringin you along, but im not half as decent as you

i say that im fine, i tell them all the time, as they watch all the light fade away

cause what if i never find anything better?, the doubt always creeps through my mind

oh, im so scared of my guitar, it cuts right through to my heart

im so scared of my guitar, when i play it, thats when i think too hard, i let the thought in, its already done

yeah, ill lay in your arms and pretend its enough

i woke up this mornin and i sat up straight in bed, i had the strangest feeling of this weight off of my chest

the fire would burn out and all the storm clouds would subside, and i always believed that it was some comforting lie

made a pot of coffee and i poured myself a cup, i thought of all the things i did to try and win your love

how did that happen?

oh, but i hope that youre happy, babe, you know i really do, and god knows that i am the girl i am because of you, you know ill always think of you, ill love you til the end of time, you are the best thing that ill ever keep so far out of my life

i cried a million rivers for you, but thats over now

theres nothin left for me to know, i had to stay, you had to go, and it was mean, but it doesnt matter anymore, though, theres nothin left for me to sing, i screamed, i cried, i did the whole thing, and i loved you mad, but it doesnt matter anymore, no

i fought a million battles, but you cant get to me now, youre just a stranger i know everything about, ooh, ooh, youre just a stranger i know everything about, youre just a stranger i know everything about

Ready?, (are you ready?), yeah (im gonna scare you again), dont scare me again, a-five, a-six, five, six, seven, eight

and as im walkin out that door, say you dont know me anymore

well, i have captors i call friends, i got panic rooms inside my head

so dont say that ive been actin different, im nothin if im not consistent

and i cant say im a perfect ten, but i am the girl ive always been

yeah, im a candle in the wind, ill turn you out, ill turn you in

and hes got hands that make hell seem cold, feet on the dashboard, hes like a poem i wish i wrote, i wish i wrote

id go anywhere he goes, and he says im so american

oh, god, im gonna marry him, if he keeps this shit up

god, im so boring, and im so rude, cant have a conversation if its not all about you

i really love my bed, but, man, its hard to sleep when hes with me, when hes with me

i apologize if its a little too much, just a little too soon, but if the conversation ever were to come up, i dont wanna assume this stuff, but aint it love?, i think im in love

and he says im so american, Oh God, it's just not fair of him, To make me feel this much

i might just be in lo-lo-, lo-lo-, lo-lo-, lo-lo-lo-lo-love

Okay, stop it!

[dutchwinter]

BOOM DONE!!!!!

whew okay..

my favorite lyric: laughing at my garage about all the things i think i need to keep they dont do me any good and i know they would all be better off with someone else the less i grow the less i change im like the living dead inside an endless loop if i lose sight stay the same im like a hungry zombie searching for you brain no one knows how deep it is and everything gets washed away the wave comes in the waves comes out and everything it hits gets to be new again i dont know whats real or not anymore i dont know whats real or not anymore the way the wind fires up in the west low in the east visions of grandeur i never wanted any of this take my away ill never deny it the way the sun shines down through the trees stains in the glass over my cats face reminding me that everything just as it is more effort in chaos we build the walls that keep us apart together alone long for the real thing i never listened so closely before tell me the truth you know how it fucks me up. AND maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one when the physical resides in memory thats invincible with multi camera eyes will it ever be enough will it ever be enough will it ever be enough will it ever be enough im the youngest of the kids empty closet theres a suit coat and a jacket and i know it doesnt fit my dad gave it to my brother but i dont give a shit theres a suit coat and a jacket that i know he never wore i could really use one we might as well give up our love resentments i just want to know will this sleep be the last maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one its the loneliest at night in moment thats forgettable but i cherished every eye it was eating me alive IT WAS EATING ME ALIVE IT WAS EATING ME ALIVE im the smallest of the kids in the composite theres an overwhelming label that someone put on my back and A SUITCASE FROM A YEAR AGO IVE STILL YET TO UNPACK IN THE LAST MOMENTS I SAW YOU YOU WERE BEGGING ME TO STAY NOW I WISH I WOULDVE i tried my best to fight those overwhelming voices in my head will this time be the last divided reactions of our memories and oxytocin thrill would you still STILL LOVE ME THE SAME maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one WOULD YOU STILL BE IN LOVE maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one. AND blind in my steps am i falling just like every other autumn leaf bound to my flaws hanging vulnerable in darkness on the ocean floor IF ONLY I WAS SEPARATE FROM WHAT I CREATED maybe things would be better if we undid this knot and ended our hunger strike following in the footsteps of my grandmother she welcomed all her pain so im keeping any extra i make to myself i wouldnt have expected anyone to notice it tonight i dont i dont want to die but tomorrow i might stuck to my false sense of self hanging vulnerable in darkness we cant seem to ever get away from everything we want what if i was only waiting for my chance to jump tonight i dont dont want to get high but tomorrow i might ill be prepared to die ill be prepared to die tonight kiss my mom and dad goodbye ill be prepared to die tonight. BUT ALSO if im sure of only one thing its that i shouldnt be all locked up in hesitation this wont last i can see in all directions what it means when you say sorry i dont know if i can trust it but i have no other choice but i have no other choice oh i wish youd fit hanging on everything you say oh i wish youd quit dripping on every single thing i dont even know what time it is in my dream it feels like im always falling or im fucking something up i dont know if i can love you but i have no other choice but i have no other choice. text limit

BUT ALSOOOOO how are you so sure that youre alright disappearing fragments of whats left show me if you can ill hold my breath till were out of this she looked the other way keeping her distance from everyone everywhere hold me in the bottom of this bed tested in the shadow of this dread. follow what you will i wont be tempted seeking you will find the worst in me settle in your eyes a broken scream this will be the end and i wont cry at all we end i wasted all my energy all we are we waste buried in the back of every thought spoken in the language of my heart who will be the one i wont be tempted buried in the lie beneath your lungs father was ashamed when he was young. ANDDD im still waking up from this shit while i was down i witnessed everything in stunning black and white i lost sight and made excuses for all the damage that i did singing i dont want to go out and get high again im still coming lose from its grip what i saw while i was dreaming made me want to stay alive ill put every single ounce of focus that i have in it singing i dont want to go out and get high tell the truth for once i want to bury every single thing devour all the time ive lost inside of every word i fear singing i dont want to go out and get high again. BUT ALSO??? displace contrast who wouldnt want to let this pass the snake must [???] its getting caught trying to be somethings it not keep it up so long maybe it should stay in the place its lost this too must pass its getting caught trying to keep it together i dont dance the world around me spins like a tornado when you come its like nothing ive ever felt so say maintain i never thought id be like that the snake must [???] its getting caught trying to keep it together my tragedy a lions mane getting right back up again dreaming of the perfect way to say the things i should just say i dont dance the world around me spins in your arms you are the only thing i want. i dont know if i can be alone again and i dont think that i can make it through i dont want to be the center. okay you know what IM FUCKING TIRED im not doing the rest of it BC I AM BUSY WITH SPRINTS and finishing this FUCKING FIC rn BUT YOU GET IT RIGHT??

my favorite song: okay maybe this will be the one. but also no other choice and fucks me up and dont dance and trading doses.

the song that makes me cry: yes

the song that’s a fucking bop: dont dance. i dont want to die tonight. trading doses.

the song i most dislike/least love: center of it all maybe but like. i would marry that song if i could. so?

x < ask game

[cold-r-ain-in-june]

so a few weeks ago @steadfast sent me an ask wondering how i manage to gather the pieces of media for my web weavings

unfortunately,  it just happened that when you sent me that ask i was one foot in the grave with a fever and ever since i got better i've been procrastinating writing you a reply since i wanted to give you my best answer

double unfortunately, tumblr decided to delete the post and your ask when i was almost done, so i'll try to write it again even though i'm frustrated over the original getting deleted so bear with me

so to start off, i happen to suffer from the horrible condition called sometimes-i-feel-things-so-strongly-i-want-to-cut-open-my-skin-to-let-them-out. a horrible illness really. things like anger or missing my ex or chronic sadness. sometimes, rarely, it happens to be love, though much less often then i would like.

basically, i bottle things up to the point in which i cant help but see them everything. i see a random poem on my instagram feed, i listen to a song on the bus and one of the lyrics clicks like it never had before, a scene from a movie a watched 3 years ago comes to haunt me at night when i cant sleep.

so i gather them, sometimes, i make new folders for them, other times i am so lazy and messy i just let them get lost and rot with the other 10k of screenshots i have on my phone.

obviously, i also have to outright search for things, but i dont even do it for the sake of creating a web weaving post at first. i just feel one thing so deeply i have to look up proof that people have been also feeling this thing for thousands of years and theyve all dealt with it. i mostly search them here on tumblr and sometimes pinterest. words like "friendship", like "medea", like "toxic siblings", they can all open doors to pieces of media you have never heard of before, but which contain a three line dialogue youd kill for from the first time you read it. this all very tricky, evidently, at times, things simply dont match with the way you actually feel, no matter how much you search for them, but stitching them together can give you this almost perfect thing that mirrors your soul.

i also happen to be the kind of person who screenshots everything they think its relevant. and its good that i have really low standards for relevance. thats how i end up diving in my screenshots pile, when i feel like my web searching is failing, and sometimes i get lucky enough and i find a line i collected 2 years ago that matches exactly how i feel in that moment.

you've also mentioned the question of whenever i memorize book passages, and the answer is somewhere between yes and no. while, when i read i heavily annotate my books, im not a big fan of memorising outright passages (my brain is mush lets be honest, i cant fry it even more with overloading), and i dont write them down or anything, but i do however manage to memorize the overall idea of passages that stick to me. liek i can tell that x book has some quote about y thing even if i dont remember it outright. then i try to look it up, i use goodreads mostly (which is a bitch on mobile but you can work your way around if you search shit on web AND THEN you open it with the app) and google books when it decides to be helpful every once in a while, and if neither of those work, THEN, i open my edition and try to look for it because im lazy like that.

another site i really like, and its obvious in my web weavings is gentle.earth!! which, now that i say it, i actually havent visited it in a while but since i remembered it exists ill probably stalk it for the next few weeks. it's an anymous site on which everyone can confess things that hang heavy on them and some of them get to be displayed on the page after the entires are curated. its a really pretty thing to look through

now that i covered the bases of obtaining the materials for the web weaving, which i think i can boil down to 1. hysterical search mission and 2. hoarding every piece of media you come across, i will also add that at least for me personall, putting them in order for is a pain in the ass (which is also the maine reason i havent made a web weaving in almost a year even though i have the materials ready). i dont know if other people who do this kind of things are as press as i am about the order in which each post go and the way the different shades of the same idea interwine and bullshit bullshit or if im just mental. but yeah its also a really important step for me, its basically the polish of the post ig

also the biggest problem with the hoarding strategy is spending 2 days looking for a source because your past self was too lazy to also screenshot the source. thats also a bitch

anyway, i honestly i have no idea if youll find anything helpful here, or if i just used your ask to moan about my struggles but its 3 am over here and honestly this is the best ive got. thank you for the ask though, i do love getting ask even if it takes me two decades to answer them <3

[the-gaping-wound-of-christ]

some more jumbled baroque thoughts... (spoilers)

yesterday i got through the neuro tower for the first time! i feel like i understand the game much better now, figured some things out.. most stuff is still a mystery to me though.

it took me an embarassing amount of time to understand the horned girls character....i tell my friend poki most of my thoughts and.... well. i posted some caps to paint a picture of the discussion. a couple hours after that i figured it out by chance......yeah................ i have to say, its a genius move from the writers.

(youd think i was acting huh...)

speaking of koriel 4 though, i gave his sephirah to the horned girl and i thought its so cool she has a unique reaction to it.

aside from that, im getting more intrigued by archangels character.. i cant get a read on him at all. he doesnt seem very...hm well i couldnt expect him to be happy while hes impaled, but the reception isnt as warm as i wouldve thought. he feels rather kind when he gives me the angelic rifle. i like that though. i also dont fully believe him when he tells me its my fault the world ended... youre the leader, surely youve had a hand in this. this feels more or less confirmed to me by koriel 4. he said things wouldntve turned out like this if it werent for archangel. not to put too much stock in his words but archangel is just sooo off.

i just think..... if purifying the absolute god worked, things shouldve ended there.... but they didnt.

longneck is currently burying himself in the earth...not sure what to make of it.

the coffin man remains as one of my more liked characters. but i find everyone interesting. excepting for the item kid maybe. not very passionate about him ill admit.

oh, i also met dr angelicus and...i think...i dont know...maybe ill have to purify her to enter her consciousness orb...i feel bad about it...ill see how shes doing on my next descent first.

lastly, he here is my comedic take on who or what the protagonist is;

[spikeinthepunch]

Penrose: Dawning- the dev blog

Okay well my game has been up for a few days now, and the Jam is over so yeah, why not give a massive blog about it and the development and characters and feelings etc.

again this was quite a feat for me, so to say. as small as the game is. ive been struggling a ton for years and years, so the process and experience has stuck with me for the last month.

The personal

If you have followed and read some of my posts from the last month youd probably seen me talking about having seen a neurophysiologist-- my appointments for that were happening for quite a while before this month but this month was the end of it. Aside from it clearly being a huge stressor in general, it was also a huge eye opener to my problems. Which yeah, include my ability to Make Things. Not art- but everything else. The listening & reading comprehension, math and memory I tested on being really really bad. And it was great to understand that now! but having decided to take on the Jam was a lot and well, even though on one hand i felt good that I knew my issues.... it didn't mean i solved my issues. Now i was just way more away of them.

So, I tried my hardest I think because I knew I'd always give up on this stuff. And well, my mood meds were still kinda helping. I think there was a different kind of determination despite the upset that some of those tests caused me. Still, I faced a lot of anxiety, frusteration, and upsetting feelings in the process because of how hard it was for me to learn even the smallest things. I won't go super hard on that-- I just want to appreciate the small community of Narrat for being able to help and clarify my confusion even if I'd often say to myself "ugh, that was such a simple thing! i shouldnt need to get it clarified two times over!" etc etc.

still despite the variety of emotions i faced i came out of this really thinking 'wow i actually made something' because literally all these years i have never realized a larger project due to my issues. so for that i can be happy.

The development

the process of making this game was interesting because obvious i had never put my assumptions about the best way to develop to the test. i could think all the while "ill do this first, this second etc" but until you start making it you may realize you gotta do something else!

the fact this was only a month long didnt really give me much time to figure out better ways to develop, it i was already a ways into it. so i came out realizing what i could do diffferent. one thing for sure is i know i couldnt start with art. its just not possible in general to predict the art i would need clearly, because even if i were to write a lot, i felt that making dialog branches was much easier while i was coding because i never knew how far i would want them to go.

but also, in terms of writing- i already write a lot and i kinda have my mental process. getting that to work with the game was tough, and while i liked how i wrote for this game, i feel like it faltered in the sense that writing so many bits of it entirely away from each other had my struggling to make sure i felt connected. like, writing on one huge document allows me to easily refer back and having it all together makes it flow well in my head. but having them scattered around code was hard for me to track and i was never sure if it all felt like it connected up well. i also think in general if i wrote most of the important chunks- stuff not incredibly reliant on branches/choices- that i probably would have written waaaay more too. its just a format of writing that is natural.

there isnt too much as i did in the game coding wise so i dont have too many comments on development process. but i know i would like to make games in narrat that use the typical features found in games like DE (as the engine was inspired by), like stats/skills and maybe inventory depending on the thing.

The story & design

i dont plan to explain the story in detail here (a lot of secret context it on my discord) and i have talked loads about trying to write the themes its tackled.

the main thing about it is just that i have never properly realized Penrose and well. I was facing a creative block this last month which caused more struggles. But it was harder with art- mostly design. coming up with a design is harder in a block than reading a thing that says "draw a series of houses". thinking up something new is not easy. and my head also gets very stuck up in "if you design this and draw it, you can never change it".

Eden was pulled from my old unused RP character, Eden Creature, and so i was able to base her off something already. even so making anything at all was hard- even for Mick who already existed. I really didnt want her and Eden to revert back into my old style because its just no me anymore but at the same time i do want to get something unique for this story. Dawning does not reflect what I want exactly. I like what i managed to do esp in working with my time constraints. but, its not something i want to keep doing going forward.

the story was WAY more condensed than i thought it would be and its because i didnt really realize how quickly approaching the deadline was compared to my work. but at the same time i am glad it was? i was quite ambitious with how big i wanted this "proof of concept" to be, to where i definitely probably would have gotten farther in the plot and realized i had no clue exactly what I wanted.

because i do have a general idea of this story but not like. enough. and so shortening the story hugely for this demo was actually a good thing because i would have had to write a lot more and also probably wouldnt have been able to explain lore well enough because of how little i understood my own world. and when youre creative blocked its incredibly hard trying to development of that world too.

conclusion

i mentioned it breifly in a blog post but tbh the most scary part is having it hit that i am nervous has to how people will take my characters. not in a criticism kinda way but just the idea that people just wont really 'get' them. and even just the idea that my OCs have been "presented to the world" in some sense. i do stuff in my own little space all the time and never think about what it would really be like to put a game on itch.io or even like publish a proper animation on youtube or publish a book or something. its different and its weird because i have always thought to myself that i want people to see my OCs! but then i put it up in a place where it likely will be seen and I am afraid of that.

its probably for it being a first time. and also i need to learn confidence in this kind of work i was so into thinking i could never truly make because of my issues. this was still like, very very hard to do mentally etc and i feel very exhausted. but i really dont want this to be the first and last time i try and make something.

[meyousing]

that...was a 4am rambling 😭 and icb i missed this part : “I heard how impolite he was to you last night. Chivalry truly is dead in today’s day and age, isn’t it?” 

HE DID NOT PULL THAT MOVE UNINTENTIONALLY!!!! WHEN HE DID THIS - | He swiveled to stand in front of you, pulling the collar forward so he could seal the four buttons and cover you up. He met your eyes and smiled, the expression so soft and genuine that it made your heart skip a beat. |

This really make me think that he's been planting this kind of innocuous seeds and comment during their relationship, and he started this from the very beginning...SICKKK (i'm making heart eyes at him)

He set the bar so high for the mc by doing all that and when he showed the other side of him...it's like the mc is now hanging from one of those high bars in parks and she can't get down, she felt like a child who felt like they were on top of the world but when they look down,, they...quite never had a "steady" ground and can't get down by themselves.

and what are the chances of him borrowing pakunoda's nen to get the information he wants from mc just by probing here and there...he might see it as a win-win situation tho,, mc can get the perfect boyfriend by him tailoring himself into the concept mc has of him and chrollo can know them better

(following this train of thought, chrollo as a salesman would be 100% terrifying, i'd definitely end up with sth that i think as useless to bring back home with just because i "heard him out")

And he killed like...at least like 3 birds with that one consistent move to ensure that even the mc doubt if they can ever get that kind of guy in their lifetime after the sudden break of their "dog-eat-dog" world

since chrollo is usually associated with the bible, and by some proxy christianity. i'd say that this reminds me of the snake in the garden who tempted eve with the forbidden fruit. though,, this feels more like hades and persephone who eat the pomegranate which caused her to be bound to the underworld and can only leave for a season because of her mother but,, there's no one in the mc's life who can extend that olive branch from the pit of underworld, chrollo acts like...hades and cerberus towards the mc at the same time

HDSHGF SORRY FOR SPAMMING AND THE WALL OF TEXT BUT THIS IS REALLY REALLY LOVELY. it's been a while since i read something with an impending sense of doom with the feeling of a wall steadily towers over the mc and mc is oblivious to the shadow of it to even start doubting everything. and your chrollo reminds me of an orchid flower, it is pretty but there is a case of it being...parasitic in nature but at the same time it can't be strictly considered parasitic - 🍄 anon (hfdfhdgfdhg im going to refer to myself with the mushroom emoji 😵‍💫)

🍄 anon is so so cute, i love it!

but i just love the way that you analyze, like i stg if i was your teacher and this was for a project youd be passin my class with an A+ every time !!! ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و also yes, chrollo as a businessman would not only have me buying something i dont need, but have me coming back for more.

im happy that you enjoyed it in the sense of doom aspect, i feel like chrollo really is one of the best yanderes for writing that kind of feeling or situation. such a handsome and charming man, yet the truth hides under that surface.....................so many fun routes that can be taken with it (❁ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)

honestly, his veryshort interaction with neon has been the biggest catalyst to how i write him. ill never forget watching it for the first time and being like,, awooga 👀 

thanks again for reading & enjoying 🍄 anon !!! <3<3

[flapperwitch]

Hey, hope youre doing good. Ive followed you for a bit and i know youve spoken before about living with endo and chronic pain. For the past 6 months ive been dealing with a shit ton of pain, cramping and i just had a cramp tonight that was super scary. Got super sweaty, shaking and such. Theyre still trying to diagnose me but my gyno doctor thinks its endo. Just wondering if youd feel comfortable sharing your story and such, 100% understand if you would rather not and i hope this isnt an invasive ask. Im just feeling very isolated and alienated with this pain. Thanks for taking the time to read this and i hope youre doing well!

Hi! This is not intrusive at all, and I'm sorry for not answering this sooner. Life is very weird.

I'm so sorry that you feel isolated but I completely understand why you do. You're in bed, in pain or asleep, so often. No one can see the agony your body is feeling. More than anything I want you to know that you're not overreacting. You're not crazy, you're not weak. I've passed out from pain before. It's no joke. The short version of my story is that like most others, it took years for me to get a diagnosis. And I wasn't hiding anything. Doctors thought my fatigue and pain was being exaggerated by my depression, but in reality I was depressed because I was so sore and tired and couldn't figure out why. Therapy and meds weren't doing anything. One time a nurse practioner told me that even though I tested negative for a UTI and even though I didn't have any of the symptoms, that had to be what my problem was. She gave me antibiotics and sent me home. Another time I was telling my then OBGYN that I was always tired and in so much pain and asked if there was anything else we could do and he smiled and said "Nope!" Mother fucker smiled at me and my pain. It wasn't until I sat for hours in an emergency room (because the hospital near me wouldn't let me admit myself or see a doctor right away) that my dad called me and convinced me to go home, told me he believed me, and that we'd figure it out together. I then went to see a colleague of my OBGYN and right away she knew that something was wrong. She did go on to say she thought I had endo, and we set up surgery. But the way she presented it, endometriosis was a blip, a pain that could be fixed with surgery, and then cured. It wasn't until after and I continued to do my own research that I learned it was a lifetime diagnosis.

Invisible illnesses suck. No one can see just how shitty you feel. And when you feel shitty and tired, you can't see people as much, so you end up spending so much of your time alone in bed with your heating pad and pain meds. Luckily se live in the age of the internet. Find online communities. I personally am in two endometriosis groups on Facebook, one is support, one is all jokes and memes. It's great when you can joke with people experiencing the exact same thing. Also make more plans virtual. I love doing virtual movie nights with friends, and you can screenshare through hyperbeam or discord. Also, treat yo self. Some days when I feel my internal organs being glued together by this dumb disease, I make myself toast with cookie butter and a banana and pour myself a cup of milk, and just that simple meal makes me feel better for a bit.

Always feel free to come ask me about endo and chronic pain. Chronic illness survivors gotta look out for each other 💜 You got this