eating-flowerz

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throwing up so hard right now

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“Managing your emotions doesn’t mean you don’t express yourself; it means you stop short of hurting others and sabotaging yourself.”

— Sue Fitzmaurice

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me when i meet the person who created webp files

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today i overheard a girl say "no, f*ck that. i will be lovely to everyone. maybe some people will remember they have a heart."

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Letter to the asshole I know that I'm trying to forgive

Hi,

You suck. It sucks how you pretended to be my friend and interested in me as a person only to completely drop me and pretend I don't exist as soon as you find out I have a boyfriend. It's so disingenuous. I've unfollowed you on everything and don't even talk to you but it makes things awkward when in class you'll talk to everyone but me. I know you're probably hurt and dealing with it emotionally. There's a chance of that. At least that's what a couple of people told me.

"Think about it from his POV". Well I am. You saw this girl who you were vaguely attracted to and started talking to her. You two click well and are texting constantly and have a good dynamic going between you and one other person from the class. This goes on for about 2-3 weeks and then you found out this girl who you really liked and enjoyed texting has a boyfriend. You are not special, at least not in that way. She genuinely sees you as a friend and doesn't hint at anything more. All those late night texting and plans you made for the future were *purely platonic*. And you hate it, it hurts you that everything that you thought was a sign isn't. So all of the sudden you withdraw to keep yourself protected. Her friendliness and her not-flirting hurts you because you don't want her as a friend, you want to be with her. So you drop her and ignore her because you didn't ever see her as a future friend, only a romantic partner.

I can acknowledge that would really suck. I've been in that situation before, where I really like someone and I realize it's not going to happen. The funny thing is that most of the times I have noticed that men just do not care as much, you go in and out of their life doesn't hurt them as much. Maybe that's why you didn't care about how it would effect me. Then again if you're hurting why would you care.

Regardless, I'm just left in another situation as a woman where from my POV I make a a guy friend and as soon as he finds out I have a boyfriend. Of course you clearly couldn't have been that great of a friend considering how short your act was and how you dropped me. But it still feels lonely.

Typing this out has actually helped. I don't care, you're the one making it awkward by posting about me on social media and just pretending I don't exist in class. Class will be over by next Thursday and we'll never talk again hopefully. I don't want a friendship with you anymore, I don't want to see you ever again, and I don't want to ever think about you past Thursday.

Honestly I think I be able to do that :),

Thank you dickhead.

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I love D, he’s so great, we’re at 5 months right now and I’m so happy to be with him. We had our first argument and it hurt me it happened, but he apologized and he reassured me how much he still loves me. I love him, any girl would be so lucky to have a guy as understanding as him and I the most ridiculous girl ever somehow got him ❤️

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I want my ovaries and uterus out of my body so badly. They leave me essentially emotionally and physically disabled once a month.

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I wonder if my boyfriend is ashamed of me sometimes or embarrassed by me. I quit drugs for him and haven’t used since last year, but he still hasn’t wanted to introduce me to his friends and family. It’s a me thing I think, I know he loves me and adores me, I love him and adore him too. We make each other so happy.

I just don’t think when he looks at me, I’m the one for him

The one obviously doesn’t exist, but I guess I just feel it more now. I love him more than he loves me I feel. That’s not true I think, but it’s just the way it’s shown. I always need to realign myself to think more about myself.

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Microbiology is so boring but every time we go back to genetics it makes me so happy :)

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A leap of faith is required if we are to believe that nonviolence can heal a violent world, that turning the other cheek when struck, instead of striking back, can end a fight. We need faith to believe that by loving our enemy we can eventually transform him into an ally; that even when nonviolence fails to achieve peace, it can succeed in curing hate.

Robert Lawrence Smith (A Quaker Book of Wisdom: Life Lessons in Simplicity, Service, and Common Sense, page 90)

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I wish I was as cool as adults with that birthday

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Today is Valentine’s Day, I’m nervous and ready. Have very low expectations

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I’m starting to question if my boyfriend loves me again because he didn’t use a kissy emoji and I put way too much effort into my Valentines Day gift.

I’ve spent 3 hours working on cookies and I haven’t even started the frosting, I have a test tomorrow and a paper to finish for my newspaper. I’m such an idiot.

My boyfriend is so much smarter and going to leave me. I love him and I guess that’s the price, is knowing as well in life that I’m one big stupid idiot in this world

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I’m nursing the worst hangover of my life ever, only now 24 hours since I first started drinking, am I able to keep down liquids

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My dates with D are always so great, we spend our time together just being so silly and goofy.

He really does make me feel so pretty. He makes my boring dark brown eyes feel as pretty as his baby blue ones. That feels a special type of lucky.

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You is such a fascinating show, I love Joe. I think my anxiety loves the idea of a guy who will love me no matter what.

D is great, because D is here for me and he loves me a lot. We have different styles of love, he’s extremely laid back and not as serious as me and I think that’s why my brain is thinking of Pasha and R. Both of them take up so much brain space but they’re not really hear for me. D is and he loves me and I love him.

I need to leave to chill and accept life as it comes. And all of that is easier said than done but D is here for me and I can’t fantasize about other guys who in my mind are here for me 24/7. I need to stop thinking of those other guys, give D his proper space and think about myself for a change.

This is a me thing not an anyone else people thing.

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R my ex before D is an interesting one. We were discord friends turned IRL friends and our relationship before I left for Poland was tumultuous but we’ve since made up and it’s water under the bridge.

It’s funny because there is a palpable tension present still when we’re around each other. I can tell he wants to bring me in for a kiss like old times and caress my hair. But that’s gone since we’ve broken up.

We hung out for the first time in a year since our break up and spent a day together catching up. It was great because we’re friends of 5 years. There was never a dull moment, we walked around town for 4 hours and just made fun of our surroundings. We people watched saying who’s clearly a Mitski fan and we narrated a young high school couple on their first date clearly.

It was fun and easy, the physical spacing was awkward and the vibe was us both trying to keep it platonic. I was still upset with D at that time but i think we both knew we needed to keep it platonic for the sake of us staying friends. If we kissed and he ever got a girlfriend he wouldn’t be able to say in good faith to his girlfriend that we’ve stayed just friends since breaking up.

But that was only a few times, I think I felt it the most when we were watching the sun set together on the beach, I know what a cliche. But I had taken the blankets from my car and we had sat right next to each other and in our selfie pick, our faces are right next to each other. In the fact like our cheeks are literally touching. I think I knew if I turned my eyes to look him in the eyes we would have kissed, he must have known it too, which is why I think we both focuses to heavily on the sun set.

Later that night I came thinking about our sex and used the photos of our nudes we never delete from Snapchat messages. Once those pics are deleted that’s when you know any chance of sex is done forever.

Everything was ok and comfortable, we’re supposed to go to a concert this summer and I’m possibly going to visit him and pop into Princeton for a day but those are all potential plans.

R and D are so different. D enjoys my humor and finds its entertaining but R actually partakes in it and adds on to my jokes. R texts back almost immediately and D is maybe in 12 hours type of guy. I love D everything is great with him, I’m typing all of this up at 3 am because it’s my naughty pleasure.

If anything I would really like them to meet each other because I think they would really get along but I doubt it’ll ever happen.