#you. I can barely do basic daily functions like making sure I eat 3 times a day lol.. I don't have the mental energy to write educational

[icewindandboringhorror]

Okay, here’s a final answer, just for clarification - 

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Firstly, please understand that I’m not angry, and I’m not upset. I just tend to speak very matter of factly, I guess? If I seem cold or something when typing this response, it's not a personal attack towards you or some display of aggression, that's just how I word things sometimes, I don't mean for them to be misinterpreted or want you to think I’m like getting mad with you or etc. Me disagreeing does not inherently equal me being mad about something, it merely means that I disagree, which is an emotion neutral action. If someone said 2+2 = 6, I would disagree, and openly so, but that doesn’t mean I’d also be like, crying about it or upset with them or something lol. 

 I actually even stated so at the end of my tags last time - 

 So, I apologize if you interpreted my tone as being mean, but I was simply trying to be firm and direct in how I said things so you understand that it's a very serious matter, and I didn't want to be light about it. 

There was a bit of jokiness/sarcasm/exaggeration as well I suppose, but again, that’s not an inherent indicator of upset, just the way I speak - especially when your question can be seen as rude to begin with (which usually leads people to care less about faking positive emotions or seeming polite to others. If a person is not polite to you, you’re not likely to watch how you communicate as much or attempt to display high politeness back). My default state is a neutral flatness as I have a very shallow emotional range (shout out to schizophrenia spectrum negative symptoms and other various issues lol), any excessive positivity or “perkiness” or something that I display is just an attempt to be polite and communicate with others in a simple and kindly manner (in real life I’m often seen as too stoic, blunt, detached, cold, etc. lmao, so in general communication with strangers I tend to overcompensate to being excessively polite instead) - but that also means I can accidentally drop that sometimes if I’m being “real” or whatever. 

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Anyway, now that concerns over my tone have hopefully been explained, I’ll address this issue about your previous ask in a numbered list. Please read ALL of this, if you are actually taking this seriously. If you don’t actually read, in detail (no skimming), this entire response, then this is not even a discussion since you’re not willing to genuinely engage in the first place. -  

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Firstly, here is the original ask, for reference  ----

 As for how your question can be rude: 

(1.) In my initial response (in the tags of your answer), I asserted various things, mostly that the question was rude, and that it’s not appropriate to ask people, for a variety of reasons. I’ll explain those in more length here. 

My main point is that even asking the question in the first place is rude. It doesn’t matter how specifically you word it, it’s not appropriate. Just like any personal issue. At least in my culture, it’s typically thought of as inconsiderate and inappropriate to ask random strangers personal questions. for example, it would be rude to approach a random stranger on the bus that you’ve never even seen before and ask them why the have the haircut they do, who their sexual partners are, if they’ve just had a death in the family, how well their marriage is going, what their gender is, etc. etc. 

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(2.) On top of this personal boundary issue, another concern would be that the nature of the question itself is baseless -- 

Would you ask a cis woman why they're a woman? Or a cis man why he chose to be a man? Would you ask a straight person why they chose to be straight?

Would you find it acceptable and polite if a random stranger approached you on the street and asked you for an explanation as to why you're the gender you are? Imagine that exact scenario happening to you, and if you would find it odd or overstepping boundaries at all.  

I doubt you ask this same gender identity question to everyone in your life, to your parents, friends, the cashier at your grocery store.  Why is it only certain groups that need to explain or justify their identities to you? Only certain groups that you feel the inherent need to question? It's a double standard which further serves to prove the question itself is unnecessary. 

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(3.) Additionally, in case you're genuinely unsure of tone (maybe you have difficulty reading social cues or something, that’s understandable) I will explain - the way in which the question was asked has certain implications. 

The statement “Why are you nonbinary? You seem like a pretty girl to me”, implies that - due to your beliefs about me/how you see me, you find it confusing that I could have a certain identity that you see as not matching your perception of me, or that you see as an invalid label, and are asking for me to justify or explain myself/my identity to you because of that. 

Even if this implied meaning was not intentional, it is what most people will interpret upon reading the question, and would be a commonly held understanding. There are other ways you could have asked the question which would be less condescending, yes, but again, the other points still stand (like that the question in itself is impolite to ask to strangers, etc.)

Again, revisit the imaginary scenario of a stranger approaching you on the street and asking you why you’re the gender you are - would there not be some of this implication present? For example, say you’re a man - would it not feel as if someone were questioning your manhood, or implying you weren’t truly a man, or must not be a man ‘correctly’, or that ‘man’ is not a valid label for how they see you? Why else would they approach you and ask you in confusion for you to justify your identity to them? The implication is that they don’t see you as a valid man, or at least not how they see a man, and thus are having a hard time accepting that someone like YOU could ever be a real man - that it’s hard for them to believe you are what you say you are, because they see you differently.

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(3.a)  As an additional sidenote (one which I addressed in the tags replying to you initially), your ask (as well as this more recent one) also made certain assumptions. There are plenty of people who ''look like girls'' or 'look like boys' but aren't as they “seem”, even if you're someone who only believes in a “binary biological sex model” (I’ll include some links at the end about this). It's strange to assume someone's body parts or identity just based off of pictures you see on the internet (which often have specific lighting, angles, or in the case of many people are even edited and etc. I don't do this but it's really common nowadays with phone editing apps and stuff). Just because I appear a certain way to you, in no way implies that I have the physical form and traits you assume I have Consider how you may feel invalidated or uncomfortable if people sent you messages assuming personal things about you that are incorrect or that they have no way to possibly know.

 Your standards and perception are also not universal, various cultures and groups have different ideas about what outward traits would make someone considered a “man” or a “woman”, so making your judgement of someone else’s identity based only on your own (extremely shallow, since it’s only from online pictures) perception of them, is also inherently a bit flawed. 

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(3.b-ish side tangent) In extension to this, your ideas and how you view me are likely incorrect. Just as it is similarly true that, from afar, any assumptions I make about you would likely be inaccurate as well. We are strangers.

For example, if you really knew me, you would know that I don’t pride myself in costumes and makeup - It’s a fun creative activity for me definitely, but I feel no pride over it, I don’t do it to look good or seem a certain way, and actually I resent it in a way, because often it feels like people mostly only pay attention to blurry pictures of me looking silly in cheap wigs, but don’t give that same level of engagement to the other more important things I do that I personally care about 100x more, like my worldbuilding and other projects lol. Absolutely nothing against the people who like my costumes, I appreciate them of course!!, and I still love doing costumes - BUT, to imply that it’s a primary source of pride in my life or a characteristic that defines me over other things, would be a mischaracterization. 

Anyone who knows me in real life would certainly list a million other stand-out traits to define me, rather than ‘pretty make up woman’ (most people I know in real life would also not describe me as ‘pretty’ or as a ‘woman’, just for reference lol). 

Your one sided perception of me (which I’ll address in the next section) may allow you to have a shallow idea of me as some sweet pretty costume girl or something, but just know that the reality is more like: I haven’t had much time lately to do costumes because I’m working on a game and other art which I see as much more important, I haven’t bathed or brushed my hair in weeks because of mental illness/functioning issues, 99% of the time I’m not ‘’dressed up’’ - I wear the same pajamas and cardigan that I’ve worn for the past 3 years and barely wash to the point that it’s disintegrating and leaves fabric scraps around the house lol, I have a little moustache right now and a unibrow and other “””non-womanly”””” traits (at least by common media western standards, which is what I assume you go by), I’m excessively analytical, detached, and in real life you would probably see me as blunt and cold and cynical (also commonly missing social cues) - as well as being hugely asocial/ a hermit and mostly lacking the ability to form attachments to others (So definitely not  ~pretty and cute and approachable~ ghgg), I have obsessive compulsive disorder and am regularly so anxious that I’m throwing up and have various other issues - I’m also not Fun or Cool or Spontaneous because I’m too busy being rigid and high strung lol (even before the pandemic, I don’t like to leave the house or interact much at all with others, I’d rather be in my little controlled environment where I don’t have overwhelming sensory information and distractions raising my anxiety constantly),, and my favorite activities are literally all just stuff like pacing around my home alone talking to myself in different voices creating gods and fake religions for my fantasy worldbuilding while I eat boiled cabbage and light little pieces of paper on fire over a candle to help me think - not doing makeup and other Pretty Woman Things. 

Which I don’t want to be too harsh or focus on this tangent too much, since obviously as you don’t know me in real life, these are all things you couldn’t possibly be aware of, and it simply comes with the territory of posting publicly online - so I absolutely don’t blame you for perceiving me incorrectly. If “pretty” pictures are all you see, then that may very well be the only impression that you have. I just personally dislike this certain interpretation some people have seemed to have of me (you’re not the first person to think of me as a Pretty Makeup Girl or whatever lol), since it’s so completely opposite from the truth of who I am, I feel the need to explain it like this sometimes. Just accepting the false perception some people have of me without any argument feels disingenuous and like supporting a version of myself that doesn’t exist. 

 So anyway, no issue with you personally, but just trying to set the perception of me straight a little more accurately lol.. now, back on topic -- 

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(4.) Lastly, and here’s the main thing I’d like to stress, there's the issue of personal boundaries. Again, you're a complete stranger to me, I don't know who you are, and you have no idea who I am. Even if you've followed me online for years and read every post I've ever made, you still have no idea who I truly deeply am, only a vague scattering of snapshots over time.  

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Here are some definitions for Parasocial Relationships: 

“Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other's existence. Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities, organizations (such as sports teams) or television stars.”

“Parasocial interaction (PSI) refers to a kind of psychological relationship experienced by an audience in their mediated encounters with performers in the mass media, particularly on television.[1] PSI is described as an illusionary experience, such that media audiences interact with personas (e.g., talk show host, celebrities, fictional characters, social media influencers) as if they are engaged in a reciprocal relationship with them. The term was coined by Donald Horton and Richard Wohl in 1956. “

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This is all anyone can ever have with people they follow online. You can perceive them, but you cannot know them or truly understand them. I think this is very important to remain cognizant of in such a massive social media age, as often times people are fostering one sided concepts that are inaccurate or unhealthy (no so much with just you sending me a simple ask, but in a broader sense, how people act towards celebrities, other bloggers, etc. etc. seems to have little boundaries, and often results in a similar manner with people forgetting to maintain acceptable boundaries with those they follow or know about from afar). 

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-- This next part is very important, I think it’s a super valuable way of thinking about this sort of stuff, so if you take away nothing else from this, at least remember this next portion -- 

A very good way to think about online boundaries that I heard someone mention in a post once (though I can no longer find the post), is to take whatever you're going to say to someone online, and imagine saying it in person, in real life, to a barista. Before you send an ask or make a comment, think about if it’s something you would really genuinely say face to face to a stranger. 

Would you walk into a random Starbucks and ask the dude at the counter a bunch questions about their gender identity? Or about his personal life in general? You probably recognize that that would be strange and socially inappropriate. It's similarly inappropriate in a case like this. 

Even though you may feel a sense of familiarity with someone online from reading their social media posts, or even speaking to them once or twice through asks and etc. etc., at the end of the day you don’t really know each other much more than you’d know a random stranger. 

Unless someone is inviting personal questions (like by reblogging those ‘ask me anything’ posts or etc.), or has the sort of blog where they are commonly asking people about/discussing their own intimate personal experiences or etc. (mine is not this way), then questions like this are very out of the blue and similar to asking a random person working at a store things like that. It can be seen as rude and inappropriate in general to give those sorts of questions to people who are complete strangers, and typically comes off as crossing personal boundaries. Again, think about a random stranger asking you these questions, and how you may perceive it. 

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In summary: 

1. The question itself is borne from an double standard and isn't very good to ask in the first place. 2. The way you asked the question was worded  with certain implications. 3.  Your ask is also assuming certain things that you don't know are true, which can be uncomfortable for some people. 4. Even were it not for the three other things, it's commonly considered rude in many cultures to ask serious questions about the personal details of complete strangers, even if it's online. It could prove useful to utilize the ‘barista test’ to better determine this in the future. 

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Final Thoughts: 

Anyway, I wasn't mad and I have no beef with you or whatever lol. Hopefully you can understand what I mean. I've also explained myself as well as I think I can though, so I don't feel like discussing it any more and won't respond to further asks about this. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now (as I'm sure everyone does given the pandemic and everything, you probably do too, so hopefully you can empathize with that), so I’d like to limit my time spent online, especially discussing topics I already don’t like to discuss or am not open to accepting questions about (I just want to talk about cats and elves and stuff lol). 

 If you still can't at least kind of get where I'm coming from then it's perfectly fine to just agree to disagree. If aspects of myself upset you or cause you discomfort, then there's no harm in just unfollowing me or something! Or if you don't even follow me, I would encourage you to block me so my posts no longer come across your dash (or block/unfollow me on whatever other social media you may be seeing my posts on ,etc)., etc. That way you don't have to see content or hear from someone who makes you uncomfortable that way, and there also won't be any need for this to come up in the future. Part of using the internet in a healthy and productive manner is to know when to disengage with certain content and just cut it off/unfollow/block people/etc. if it’s causing you unnecessary conflict or distress, or makes you uncomfortable or etc. to look at. Thank you for the question! Hopefully this response explained things a little better. 

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Links and Further Info: 

On the off chance that you were genuinely curious, here are some resources where you can learn more about people of different gender identities and also hear them explain their experiences, etc.  Since these people are actually openly discussing their experiences/making educational content and are obviously actually open to talking about it,  that would be a better place to field any further questions or learn about things. :3

Here’s some reading - 

Understanding Nonbinary People (link)

Gender Variance Around the World (link)

12 Questions About Nonbinary Gender Answered (link)

About the Sex Binary (link)

Ask LGBT subreddit (link)

one ‘ask a nonbinary person’ blog i found (I don’t know if they’re still active, it’s one of the first ones that came up for me lol, but I guess could be helpful) (link)

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And here’s some videos with people talking about their experience, or being educational - 

(NOTE: I just did a quick google search and did not deeply research these people and their entire histories and etc., so I can’t say I stand by literally everything they say or know what type of people they are, but it’s just a general place to start~!)

A video examining the idea of gender in general and how it even exists and nonbinary people (definitely interesting to watch) (link)

video about nonbinary gender/explanations (probably at least watch this one too) (link)

What is a nonbinary gender? (shorter general info) (link)

answering all your nonbinary questions q&a (link)

Video about binary sex/gender/etc. (link)

5 nonbinary people explain what nonbinary means to them (link)

another video about similar stuff (link)

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[eldritchsurveys]

1048.

1 - Are you one of those people who can watch TV shows and movies over and over again without getting bored? >> I am not one of those people, generally. Air-sign brain needs new stimuli constantly. However, there are exceptions to the rule -- some things I can watch over and over again because they’re basically a part of me at this point and I feel a sense of homecoming every time I sit down to watch them. Like The X-Files or Event Horizon. ...Or Silent Hill 4 playthroughs, as I’ve discovered recently.

2 - If you drink coffee, do you like it plain or would you rather have something like a latte or something flavoured? >> I like it plain, but I also like some lattes. It’s all moot, though, since I don’t drink coffee because the caffeine fucks with me.

3 - How did you used to dress ten years ago? Do you dress in a similar way now? >> A more dramatic and obviously goth version of how I dress now. I had more disposable income (because I didn’t have things like rent to spend it on) and less sensory issues (or, was more desensitised to them).

4 - When you’re grocery shopping, do you buy known brands or are you happy to go with the generic store version? >> It doesn’t matter except in the cases that it does.

5 - Do you have a close relationship with any of your cousins? >> ---

6 - Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? Does this person stay over often or was it more of a one-off? >> ---

7 - Does bad weather put you off going out if you’ve got plans to do so? Have you ever cancelled plans due to the weather? >> I don’t usually go out, so it doesn’t matter in that case. But the weather does seem to have an effect on my mood and general motivation level, so I might be more lethargic on overcast/rainy days in general.

8 - When you’re on vacation, do you prefer doing the typical tourist things, or would you rather explore somewhere off the beaten track? >> I like doing a mixture of both. Some tourist things are cool and that’s why they became such big deals in the first place; others, not so much. Having lived in a tourist-trap city, I think I’m pretty good at telling the difference.

9 - Did your family travel a lot when you were younger? >> No.

10 - When was the last time you went shopping for clothes? Did you get anything decent or find any bargains? >> I don’t remember. I don’t usually go shopping for clothes... I guess the last time would be during our wedding vacation. We both got some amazing pieces.

11 - Is it true that accessories can make or break an outfit? >> I think that is true in some cases, but some outfits are just unsalvageable.

12 - What is your worst memory from high school? What about the best? >> All my sparse memories from high school are some measure of negative.

13 - Is there any trait in a potential partner that would be a total deal breaker for you? >> ---

14 - Do you insist people use coasters if they’re putting drinks down in your house? >> We don’t entertain guests. I don’t even have a “guest protocol” script, since it’s never come up.

15 - Have you ever been arrested? Were you guilty of whatever it is you were arrested for? >> No.

16 - Name five items on the shelf nearest to you: >> The shelf nearest to me just has a bunch of books on it.

17 - After meals, do you wash dishes up right away, or do you leave them in the sink and do a whole days worth at once? >> We usually just load the dishwasher and then Sparrow turns it on when it’s full. But recently the dishwasher has begun malfunctioning and Maintenance is... unreliable... so the routine’s all thrown off and I can barely function in the kitchen now.

18 - What websites do you find yourself spending the most time on? >> This one. Also Reddit and various streaming sites.

19 - Do you still download music and TV shows? >> No.

20 - Does your phone have a good battery life? How long does it last before you need to charge it again? >> It’s starting to flag, but mostly it’s all right. The amount of time it lasts between charges varies, depending on how much it’s getting used (and for what), so I can’t really say.

21 - When was the last time you hit snooze? >> ---

22 - Did you ever play The Sims? Which expansion pack was your favourite, if you had any? >> I’ve played it since Sims 2, but I don’t play it anymore because the business model annoys me (and it’s just not an interesting game after a while, for me). I don’t have a favourite expansion pack, but I generally liked the “spooky” or “magic” ones.

23 - Are there any popular film series or TV shows that you just don’t get the appeal of? >> Sure. I can’t like everything.

24 - As a child, did you receive pocket money or an allowance? How much did you get? Was it dependent on you doing chores of some kind? >> No, I did not.

25 - Do you think your parents did a good job of raising you? Would you do anything differently with your own kids? >> I am a product of emotional neglect as well as CSA (I was 13, but that’s still childhood to me) and other forms of abuse thanks to the fact that I was shipped away from my primary household to a bunch of strangers that just happened to be related to me, so this is a loaded question for me. Sure, I didn’t starve to death, I graduated high school, etc, but at what cost...

26 - If something is bothering you, do you have to fix it right away? >> Many of the things that bother me can’t be fixed, I’ve learned.

27 - Are there any household jobs you enjoy doing? If so, what’s the reason that you enjoy those things? >> I like to organise and tidy things, it just satisfies some primal part of my brain.

28 - Do you still live in the area you grew up in? Would you like to live somewhere else one day? Where would you go? >> No.

29 - Do you smoke, drink or do drugs? How old were you the first time you tried those things?  Do you want to quit? >> I drink, and I eat edibles every so often. I’m fine with this level of drug use.

30 - What’s one thing that really grosses you out? Is it something you have to deal with anyway? How do you cope? >> I don’t want to think about something that grosses me out right now. And yes, some of those things are things I have to deal with almost daily. I cope by not coping.

[ronanivarsson]

“I WAS BORN FOR SOMETHING GREATER THAN I WAS--AND GREATER I WOULD BECOME.” | MARY SHELLEY 

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: Ronan Ivarsson

MEANING:

RONAN ( IRISH ) - “LITTLE SEAL” 

IVARSSON ( SWEDISH ) - “SON OF IVAR” 

NICKNAME(S): Ronan has never had a nickname, and would never allow someone to call him by a nickname. He’s only ever been Ronan, even to both of his parents. The only acceptation would be if someone called him by his last name. 

PREFERRED NAME(S): Ronan

BIRTH DATE: December 13th, 1980

AGE: 39

ZODIAC: Sagittarius 

GENDER: Male

PRONOUNS: He / His

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Biromantic

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual 

NATIONALITY: Italian

ETHNICITY: Swedish 

CURRENT LOCATION: Verona, Italy 

LIVING CONDITIONS: Ronan lives in an expensive top floor penthouse near the center of Verona, which is furnished exactly to his tastes--dark wood, sleek metals, dark leather. He bought it shortly after being married to Lucien, but his husband rarely ever stays for more than a couple of days or weeks, which means that most of the time Ronan lives alone. It is also outfitted to be more accessible for him. 

TITLE(S): Richard III, The Vice, Councilman 

BACKGROUND

BIRTHPLACE / HOMETOWN: Stockholm, Sweden / Verona, Italy 

SOCIAL CLASS: Ronan was born into a wealthy, upper class family, and his wealth has only increased since he became the sole bearer of that family name. He considers himself to be among Verona’s elite, though in the end he holds no love for that title--in his own mind, he is better than everyone in Verona. 

EDUCATION LEVEL: Ronan graduated university with a degree in political science. 

FATHER: Magnus Ivarsson

MOTHER: Joanna Ivarsson. 

SIBLING(S): None as far as he knows, but his parents cheated on each other throughout their marriage, and his mother could have very well had other children without telling him. 

CHILDREN: None

PET(S): None

OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: All of Ronan’s other relatives are back in Sweden, and he does not communicate with them. (No brothers or nephews to do anything horrible to--yet!) 

PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS:

Caleb Tallmadge: An intern at the American embassy, who was Ronan’s first serious boyfriend right out of college. 

Rafaella Capulet: The love of his life, his soulmate as far as he’s concerned. Their relationship deteriorated when he became a member of the Montagues, and with the exception of one night after Ronan became engaged to Lucien, they have not spoken since. 

Lucien Ivarsson: Ronan’s husband, who he met shortly after things with Rafaella fell apart. Ronan fell out of love with him quickly, and their relationship is barely functional at the present--they appear in public together before going their separate ways, with the exception of rare moments where they fall together violently. 

Renzo Carozza: A distraction bordering on an addiction. 

ARRESTS?: None.

PRISON TIME?: None. 

OCCUPATION + HOME

PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME: Ronan is an elected councilman in the city of Verona, and his family has several investments that he manages. 

SECONDARY SOURCE OF INCOME: His salary as a Montague Soldato--a trifle in comparison to what he already has, however, he isn’t interested in earning money from the position. 

CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: Ronan loves being the center of attention, and the power that he commands as a politician. His ambition extends far beyond his current office however, and he’d like to eventually run for more prestigious positions. 

PAST JOB(S): Ronan interned with the mayor’s office right out of college, and steadily worked his way to his current position. He has only ever worked in politics. 

SPENDING HABITS: Ronan felt like an outsider growing up, so he uses his money to purchase the life he feels like he deserves, the life he always wanted. As long as he has money, and lots of it, he feels safe--it’s as much an armor as the designer suits he puts on every day. He’s always aware of exactly how much he has, and ways that he could obtain more. 

MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: A first edition of Frankenstein, his favorite novel. He bought it right after his mother died and he became the sole heir of the Ivarsson fortune. 

SKILLS + ABILITIES

PHYSICAL STRENGTH: 4/10

Ronan was born with limb-girdle muscular dystrophy, which means that the muscles of his arms and legs are very weak. He does what he can to stay as good of shape as possible, and he is capable of doing the bare minimum required of a Montague soldier. 

OFFENSE: 4/10

Ronan would prefer not to get into a physical altercation, but he knows the bare minimum of fighting techniques. He can throw a punch with accuracy, that would hurt reasonably. His strength is his ability to see other people’s weaknesses fairly quickly, and fight cleverly. 

DEFENSE: 5/10

Defense requires less physical exertion, which means Ronan is stronger in that area. 

SPEED: 0/10 

Ronan walks with a cane, and isn’t really capable of running. 

INTELLIGENCE: 10/10

Because he can’t fight with his fists, Ronan made his mind into a weapon. He’s well read, he attended one of the finest universities where he attained excellent grades, and he is well studied in the arts of manipulation. He can read people’s facial expressions with astounding accuracy, he is excellent at verbally manipulating people into action, and more than anything, he is capable of inspiring great loyalty in people through deception, though words, through the weaknesses they were so certain they could hide. Its the same principle as your other senses heightening when one is deprived--Ronan couldn’t fight physically, so he made sure every other power he possessed worked at maximum capacity. 

ACCURACY: 5/10 

The muscles in Ronan’s arms and shoulders are weak, but he can sustain the position necessary to fire a gun long enough to be average with it. 

AGILITY: 0/10

Ronan is not agile at all--his muscles are too weak to allow him to do anything agile. 

STAMINA: 7/10

Ronan is used to pain--his spine and his shoulders, his legs, all cause him pain on a regular basis. His daily life requires an amount of stamina that the average person doesn’t have to exert. 

TEAMWORK: 0/10

He allows others to think they’re working with him, that they’re part of a team with him, but he’s always looking out for himself and his own designs first and foremost. Other people are merely pieces he can move around, or discard, as they present themselves as useful to him. 

TALENTS: Ronan is excellent at public speaking, and his public persona is very magnetic. He is skilled at manipulating people, at reading their faces, at ferreting out their weaknesses. He played the violin growing up and still plays occasionally when he needs to clear his mind, and he enjoys playing chess. 

SHORTCOMINGS: Ronan is incredibly narcissistic, with little to no empathy for anyone. He cares exclusively for himself and the things that he wants, and he doesn’t care who he has to hurt, whatever he has to do, in order to get them. He is also incredibly greedy, and one of his primary interests is getting more money for himself. 

LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: Italian, Swedish, Latin, English 

DRIVE?: No, he’s always had a driver. 

JUMP-START A CAR?: No, that’s what mechanics or new cars are for. 

CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: No. 

RIDE A BICYCLE?: No, he physically can’t. 

SWIM?: Yes. 

PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: Yes, he plays the violin on occasion. 

PLAY CHESS?: Yes, and at a high level.

BRAID HAIR?: No. 

TIE A TIE?: Absolutely, a nice tie can make or break an outfit. 

PICK A LOCK?: Yes. 

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE + CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: Joel Kinnaman 

EYE COLOR: Brown

HAIR COLOR: Blonde 

HAIR TYPE/STYLE: He likes to stay pretty trendy--his current haircut is short on the sides and long on top, slicked back. 

GLASSES/CONTACTS?: None. 

DOMINANT HAND: Right

HEIGHT: 6′2 at his full height, but he usually is hunched over to varying degrees, rendering him about 5′10-6′0 to the eye. 

WEIGHT: 165

BUILD: He has a solid build, keeps what muscle he’s able to gain. 

EXERCISE HABITS: Swimming, lifting weights, physical therapy. 

SKIN TONE: Pale, but he tans pretty easily. 

TATTOOS: None, mostly because of his physical condition--but that could change if he found a person he trusted to give him one ;) 

PIERCINGS: None.

MARKS/SCARS: He has various scars from his work as a Montague soldier, and a few from when his mother was feeling particularly vindictive. 

NOTABLE FEATURES: Keen and sharp eyes, a mouth that seems to always be smirking to some degree, a sharp jawline. 

USUAL EXPRESSION: Pensive, like he’s looking for a weakness in your armor you didn’t even know you had, like he can see straight through you. 

CLOTHING STYLE: Designer suits, designer t-shirts and jeans, luxurious fabrics that feel nice against his back and shoulders, expensive watches, silk ties, all neutral and dark colors. Even his casual is dressed up from the average person. He also has several different canes with different heads on them. 

JEWELRY: He has a weakness for a nice watch, and if he’s in public he’s probably wearing his wedding ring. He also considers a cane as an accessory, and changes which one he uses depending on what he’s wearing.  

MAKEUP: None. 

ALLERGIES: None. 

DIET: He never had to cook for himself, so he generally orders out from Verona’s nicer restaurants. He drinks socially, and doesn’t really indulge in sugar that often. If Lucien is there and feels like cooking, he’ll eat whatever his husband makes. 

PHYSICAL AILMENTS: Ronan was born with limb-girdle muscular dystrophy, which means the muscles in his arms, shoulders, and legs are weakened. His lower back is curved, and the bones of his shoulders protrude in something called “scapular winging”. He wears a back brace most of the time to prevent a pronounced hunch and to lessen the pain in his spine, and he attends physical therapy anywhere from once to three times a week to deal with it.  

PSYCHOLOGY

JUNG TYPE: ENTP 

ENNEAGRAM TYPE: Type 3, The Achiever. The success-oriented, pragmatic type: adaptable, excelling, driven, and image conscious. 

MORAL ALIGNMENT: Lawful Evil

TEMPERAMENT: Choleric 

ELEMENT: Fire

PRIMARY INTELLIGENCE TYPE: Intra-personal Intelligence. 

MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: None officially diagnosed--a case could probably be made for narcissistic personality disorder. 

SOCIABILITY: Ronan is very sociable--after being forced to the shadows throughout his entire childhood, he loves nothing more than commanding a room, than being the center of everyone’s attention. He doesn’t care about people on a deeper level than that, but he likes being around them--he’d be a terrible politician if he wasn’t able to make people believe that they liked him, that he had their best interests at heart. Again I quote Les Miserables, “He was a charming young man, capable of being terrible.”  

EMOTIONAL STABILITY: Ronan doesn’t allow his emotion to get the better of him most of the time--he believes that emotion gets in the way of logic, prevents people from making the best, most rational decisions. He’d like to be cold and unfeeling, but more often than not his heart has a habit of getting in the way. He genuinely fell in love with Rafaella, it genuinely hurt when she left him, etc. He has a temper, but he’s worked very hard on keeping it under control. 

OBSESSION(S): power and money, being understood. 

COMPULSION(S): He doesn’t feel compelled to do anything--he refuses to be compelled to do anything. He is always in control. 

PHOBIA(S): Failure, Irrelevance. 

ADDICTION(S): Ronan isn’t addicted to anything. 

DRUG USE: Nothing recreationally.

ALCOHOL USE: He drinks socially, but he likes to be fully in control, fully able to observe everyone and everything going on around him. 

PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: Absolutely, violence is the quickest way to come to solutions, or to prove that you’re more powerful than your opponent. Violence is necessary if you want to get anywhere in Verona. 

MANNERISMS

SPEECH STYLE: Clear, properly enunciated, verbose. 

ACCENT: Italian

QUIRKS: Twisting his wedding ring, tapping his fingers against a nearby surface, never quite smiling, rubbing his hand over the juncture between his neck and shoulder. 

HOBBIES: Reading, playing chess, playing the violin, occasionally strolling through art galleries. He doesn’t have a lot of leisure time, and prefers to be actively doing something useful. 

NERVOUS TICKS: Twisting his wedding ring primarily, other than that he doesn’t like to show weakness, and has trained himself out of having a lot of ticks. 

DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: Ronan was cast aside the minute he was born, told repeatedly that he was monstrous simply because of a twist of fate that he had no control over. He wants to prove just how monstrous he truly is, and that he is capable of so much more than anyone ever thought he would be--he wants to see the faces of everyone in Verona when the monster they created comes to his throne to lead them. He wants control of the Montagues, the Capulets, and he wants control of Verona. 

FEARS: failure, being alone, becoming anything like either of his parents. 

POSITIVE TRAITS: intelligent, charismatic, perceptive. 

NEGATIVE TRAITS: manipulative, cruel, self-centered

SENSE OF HUMOR: dry, sarcastic, often at the expense of whoever he’s talking to. 

DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: Not really, he thinks it betrays a lack of intelligence. But if he feels like the person he’s talking to will respond better to it, he’ll let something slip. 

FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: Working, visiting Renzo at The Dark Lady, scheming. 

ANIMAL: He compares himself to a wolf, or to a snake--vicious, hungry, frightening creatures. 

BEVERAGE: Vodka Martini 

BOOK: Frankenstein, Il Principe, We Have Always Lived in the Castle, Memoirs of Hadrian, The Art of War, Wuthering Heights

COLOR: Navy Blue

DESIGNER: Yves St. Laurent, Burberry, Gucci

FOOD: Food isn’t really something he enjoys--its an annoyance he has to put up with in order to survive. 

FLOWER: Hellebore

GEM: Sapphire 

HOLIDAY: Ronan thinks holidays are trivial, and generally ignores them. 

MOVIE: Todd Browning’s 1931 adaptation of Dracula, Andrea Arnold’s 2011 adaptation of Wuthering Heights, Lawrence of Arabia 

QUOTE/SAYING:

“beware, for I am fearless and therefore powerful. I will watch with the wiliness of a snake, that I may sting with its venom. Man, you shall repent of the injuries you inflict.” 

-MARY SHELLEY, FRANKENSTEIN 

SCENT: Amouage--Jubilation XXV Man 

SPORT: None. 

TELEVISION SHOW: Hannibal, Game of Thrones, The Tudors

WEATHER: Dark and stormy. 

VACATION DESTINATION: His family owns property in Sweden that he has a few vaguely fond memories of. He also owns a place in Rome that he likes to go to when he needs space. 

ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM: To basically fashion himself a kind of king in Verona. He may be named after Richard III, who tried to do the same thing, but Ronan vows that he will be successful where is namesake failed. 

MOST AT EASE WHEN: He’s by himself and doesn’t have to wear any kind of mask--the only person he can fully trust is himself, therefore in private he puts forward the least amount of effort to disguise himself. 

LEAST AT EASE WHEN: His family is mentioned--particularly anything having to do with their deaths. He used to be at ease whenever Lucien was around, but in the present he feels like he has to be on his guard, whenever his husband decides to show his face. 

WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN: Someone manages to outplay him, to reveal his machinations and get him killed. 

BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: Being elected to the Verona city council, taking his family fortune for himself, becoming bigger than the abuse his parents hurled at him. 

BIGGEST REGRET: Letting Rafaella walk away from him, marrying Lucien in an effort to fill the hole that she left. 

TOP PRIORITIES: Ascending in the ranks, eliminating anyone who he sees as a potential threat, gathering allies to himself. 

[randomk-imagines]

Still Into You

words: 1.9k

summary: it’s your anniversary with johnny so you decide to make a video collage of him 

a/n: i sobbed while writing this bc i thought about how perfect johnny would be as a boyfriend and i just really love him ok? he’s not even my bias, but i just love him a lot. he deserves the world. ok bye. enjoy (: also this is based off of this video so go watch it and enjoy sobbing like i did

You sat on top of your bed with the covers pulled over your head and your laptop in your lap. It was unhealthily close to your face as the light illuminated off your glasses into your dark room. 

You glanced at the clock in the corner of your laptop. 

3:27am.

You sighed but focused back on the task at hand. Editing this video.

To an outsider, you probably looked like a YouTuber editing their lengthy vlog, but that was far from the truth. You were actually editing something special for someone special.

You and Johnny’s anniversary was just a few days away. The two of you had been dating for three years. The best three years of your life, might you add. Of course, the two of you had gotten into some arguments, but you never failed to settle them within a day or two and it only made your relationship stronger.

Throughout the three years you’d been dating and the many years before from just being his friend, you had accumulated a plethora of videos and pictures of him on your phone. Sometimes when you were feeling down, you’d go back into your gallery and watch the videos of him goofing off in a store or laughing along to something your friends said. They never failed to lift your mood. You were actually rewatching some of them when you had gotten this idea of creating a collage of them.

You picked your favourite ones of him from your phone and got to work uploading them to your laptop and editing them down to a relatively suitable video. You were not an expert in video editing, in fact, you barely were able to figure out your laptop’s regular functions on a daily basis. You were not technologically advanced even though you really should be. However, you were determined to create a video to express how you felt towards your boyfriend and you weren’t about to back out now. Although, you could feel the sleep deprivation get to you and the harsh light from your laptop was not helping your already poor eyesight.

Truthfully, you were basically done trimming down the videos and putting them together in a relatively cohesive collage. You just needed to pick out the background music.

You scrolled through multiple playlists you had made on Spotify, but none of the songs seemed to compliment the tone of the video. It wasn’t until you had randomly clicked on a throwback playlist that you found the perfect song. You quickly downloaded it to your computer, excited at how well it fits the video.

It wasn’t until an hour later that you were finally satisfied with how the video turned out. You saved it to your computer and proceeded to pass out until the weekend was over.

-

You and Johnny were actually quite busy on the day of your anniversary so you both decided to wait until Friday to celebrate it. You were excited to show him the video, yet nervous at the same time.

He was a Film and Digital Media major after all. He even had his own YouTube channel (which you had taken some videos off of as well) which was new, yet gaining popularity quickly. His channel consisted of his daily life at university as a film major as well as videos of him and your friends hanging out, goofing around, and just being a mess in general. He had some videos dedicated to you, but he didn’t want his channel to become solely focused on his relationship, so it was more like an add on, rather than the overall theme of his channel.

You, on the other hand, were majoring in the sciences, specifically chemistry. You could solve the odd thermochemistry problems and strange-looking stoichiometry questions, yet you could hardly handle your laptop. You could barely create cool-looking excel spreadsheets without needing help from your friends. It was honestly embarrassing.

You hoped your video was at least okay...

Friday came quick and your classes flew by even quicker. You ended later than Johnny did, so as soon as you stepped out of your last class, you saw Johnny leaning against the opposite wall waiting for you. You immediately perked up when you saw him, bidding your friend goodbye as you bounded over to your boyfriend.

“Hey,” he smiled and pecked your lips. “Want to drop your stuff off at my apartment then we can go?” he asks. You nod and the two of you set off to his apartment hand in hand. 

Even after dating for three years, you were still giddy whenever the two of you held hands. It may be lame to other people, but you love it. It’s not aggressive PDA, yet you were still able to be close to him, and that’s all you needed.

-

“What’s on your mind?” you hear Johnny ask. The two of you were currently cuddled up against each other on his couch as the TV played. It was a rerun of a popular drama, but you weren’t paying attention to it. Instead, you and Johnny were talking and just catching up on what happened throughout the week. You, however, were anxious about showing Johnny the video.

You were laying on top of his chest, your cheek resting on the back of your forearm as your other hand was fiddling with a loose string on his shirt. Your legs were entangled together messily, having been shifting every once in a while. He had one arm tucked behind his head while his other was rubbing random patterns on your back as the two of you talked. 

“Nothing,” you say, it being a little muffled by your forearm. You feel the hand stop rubbing circles on your back and instead coming up to tilt your head a bit so you look at him.

“Nothing means something,” he quirks an eyebrow. You pout, knowing that he can practically read you like a book while he just smiles. 

“I just made something for you, but it kind of came out like shit even though it took forever to make,” you laugh, trying to hide your nervousness. 

“I told you that you didn’t need to do anything for me,” he tsks. 

“You got something for me!” you lightly smack his chest. He just cracks a smile. He did get you something, and it was rather nice, to be honest. 

He knows you like wearing a necklace every day, but not just any necklace. It has to mean something to you. You’re not a big jewellery girl, but necklaces aren’t high maintenance and they don’t get in the way of your daily life like bracelets do. He knows that you only wear certain jewellery so he went out and bought a necklace for you. 

It was a simple, little star necklace, but he had his initials engraved on the back. You, however, knew how much he liked to spoil you so you knew it wasn’t cheap. In fact, it was sterling silver. When he told you that, you immediately wanted him to return it. You couldn’t let him spend that much money on you, especially when he said he didn’t need anything in return!

However, he said that he wouldn’t be able to return it since he got an engraving on it, so suck it up and accept it because you’re keeping it. You reluctantly accepted it, and it was currently hanging from your neck as you propped yourself up on your forearms to pout at your boyfriend. He just laughed at you and playfully pinched your cheeks. 

You sat up all the way and reached for your backpack to take out your laptop. It was leaning right against the side of the couch so you didn’t have to get up, but you did have to turn around. You heard Johnny protest as you turned away from him. He sat up as well and as soon as you fished out your backpack, he snaked his arms around your waist to your front and pulled you back against him. Your back collided with his chest as he hooked his chin over your shoulder and sighed after settling down, content with you being so close once again.

“What’s this?” he asks when he sees you open up a file from your laptop. It loads a video and you click for it to go full screen.

“It’s just something I made...” you nervously reply. You feel him nod as he looks back to the screen. The preview picture shows him mid-laugh with the ocean behind him and the sun high in the sky. 

You angle the screen towards him so he can see it better and hit play. 

The video audio starts out soft, but it’s not long until the song starts playing. The chorus to Still Into You by Paramore blasts from your laptop speaker as a video clip of Johnny smiling and running around the beach flashes on the screen.

A series of videos of Johnny smiling and laughing, playing around, shopping, eating, working, and more, roll through as the music plays on. The entire video itself is only about a minute long, but it captures all your favourite things about him and all the memories you’ve shared with him. The video ends soon after and you realize he hadn’t spoken a word throughout the entire thing.

It makes you extremely nervous and you immediately think the worst. Does he not like it? Was this a stupid idea? Were your editing skills that bad?? You internally panic. You don’t even process he said anything until after a few moments.

“I loved it,” Johnny says softly. He was so entranced by the video that he wasn’t able to speak. Everything about it was perfect and the concept itself was so wholesome and he just loved it. The fact that you made it yourself, just for him, made the entire thing 1000x better in his opinion. 

“Really?” you ask, surprised. You turn your head to look at him and catch the tender gaze in his eyes. He sees you turn out of the corner of his eye and physically has to tear his sight away from the screen to look at you. “I wasn’t sure what to do because you’re really amazing and editing and taking videos and it’s your major and your videos always look so professional and put together and I just made this at 3am one night because I was looking back at our old videos and we’ve just been together for so long, yet I still feel the same way as I did in the beginning and like that’s crazy and weird and I don’t know. Honestly, it’s not that good and it’s really sloppy and-”

He shuts you up by pressing his lips against yours. The angle is honestly pretty awkward. He’s right behind you so you both have to stretch your necks to even look at each other and on top of that, he has to bend down to even be at your eye level, but it’s still perfect in your opinion. Everything he does is perfect.

“It’s amazing and I love it and I love you,” he smiles as he pulls away. You feel his arms tighten just the slightest as he leans down to kiss your neck. It’s really only a press of his lips on skin since he can’t wipe off the smile from his face.

“I love you too,” you giggle.

He gently leans forward to grab your laptop and sets it on the ground before turning you around in his lap so you face him again. He doesn’t waste time in kissing you fully on the lips and wrapping his arms back around your waist. 

You make a surprised squeak as you feel him lean back down to lay on the couch, bringing you down with him. 

[changinchanginchanged]

Dear Web

I’m not quite sure who I ought to talk to about this heaviness inside my soul. But to you, oh Website Tumblr, I bare my soul, my soles... no, just my soul. Who the fuck knows what this pumpkin is on about? Please explain.

Basically, I’m not great at making commitments to myself to change for the better. I start out very, very enthusiastically (note very x2)... and then almost immediately forget my venture for greatness (or really for consistency in doing the bare minimum basics of life) and squander my health, wealth, mentality and time. My heart and my emotions. I can’t get into emotions right now, tbh. That will fuck us all up.

I am not one to whinge... nor am I whinging even now. But fuck, if you knew some of the things I had gotten up to lately - even the mighty Web might say WOW.

‘Scuse the Dr Seuss inspired rhymes. So tempting to rhyme some more. But I won’t because once again I am getting distracted from a commitment I am making to you, oh Webby Webby, my sole witness, my SOUL pal.

Anyway. What am I doing again?

Oh, that’s right.

I need to learn to love myself. I need to forgive myself. And be kind to myself. I mostly am very kind to others, but I’ve noticed that there are things I have done to others lately that I thought would be things I’d only ever let happen to myself. That’s the problem with self hate - it eventually does spill over and splashes onto the one’s we’re trying to love around us. How can love exude from a heart full of self-loathing? The math doesn’t add up.

Though people say I’m very loving - the proof is in the pudding and how it all ends up. The mess.

So commitment here. Uh, not a strong point of mine. I can come on so intensely and intently that it seems like I’m all about that sweet, sweet C. But in reality, I’m a bit of a bloody roller coaster with loose hinges and squeaky wheels - never truly committing to the ride.

Why can’t I focus on one thing? What am I trying to get at here?

I want to learn to be strong in the basics. Strong in self care and self love so that I can love others from the overflow of my heart, in ways that are consistent, authentic and gentle.

Right now, it feels like such a hugely overwhelming task and my mind spins out when I try to figure out what my routine of self care will look like. Something inside of me is so resistant to caring for myself. I’ll drop everything to nurture another. Even so, it mostly ends in havoc caused by impulsivity and inability to care for myself first and foremost. The foundation is weak.

This way of life has led me to hefty accumulations of debt, frequent and prolonged periods of being unwell, abuse of alcohol (and dabbling in other substances), self harm (in one way or another), intense feelings of guilt and shame, and cyclical destructive behaviours that have ultimately ruined relationships with people I truly care about.

Shit.

But I KNOW there are people in this world who have overcome much, much more than the struggles I face, and have gone on to live incredible lives of goodness, service and impact. That is what I want for my life. I want to be a vessel of love and light. I want to live a life of purpose.

So I’m looking at the troubles inside my soul - my troubled soul, and I’m saying ‘come on, silly soul of mine. you and I are a team now. we can do this. for once, I’m really going to be on your side and believe in you. I’m going to cheer you on and comfort you when you’re feeling weary. I love you. we can do this. we can change’.

And no one else needs to know. No one else needs to be a part of this.

I have everything I need right here and right now.

I had a dream last night and in that dream an old gentleman told me to think about the explicit functions of my body and to be grateful for them. For example, I have sight. My eyes can see and I am grateful for the gift that is my eyes along with the gift of sight. My eyes are a part of me. They are good to me. I am grateful for my eyes. I am grateful for me. I am connected to my body parts on the most basic level. And they are good. Even if that is the only good thing I can see right now about me, the fact of the matter is there is goodness inside of me.

That sounds a little confusing, perhaps. But the next part of the dream is what really hit me.

I was then instructed to think about things in this life that make me happy and to think about why they make me happy. Once I had thought about the ‘happy thing’ and what was so ‘happy’ about it, I was told to replace the ‘happy thing’ with ‘me’ and repeat the reasoning.

For example, Nature makes me happy. It makes me happy because Nature is beautiful, it brings peace and it is a safe haven for tired souls.

Therefore, I am beautiful. I bring peace. I am a safe haven for tired souls.

The moral of this elongated dreamalogue (dream-monologue) is this:

Everything that you love in this world is a reflection of the good that is already inside of you.

Woah. Man. I could well up at the thought. I see others and think they are so beautiful, when in reality they possess very similar traits as the traits I possess also.

Why then, is it so damn hard to see that same beauty inside of me?

This is what I’m here to commit to. I’m committing to learning to love myself, truly, madly, deeply. To learn how to care for myself. To dream big dreams. And to walk in purpose and kindness each day. First and foremost, to myself and to to others also in turn. I need to love me. I am desperate to love myself and to look after myself.

So that is my commitment.

Some stats for my own benefit, being that this entire exercise is for my own benefit and I make the rules here, beeetch:

Current days not:

Drinking (4), Smoking (3), Eating Animal Products (1), Drugs (8), Breaking My Budget (3), Sexing Someone I Didn’t Want To (19), Getting Into An Alcohol-Fuelled Fight (11).

It might not seem like much - but even that is progress. I am grateful for learning to love my soul a little more than I previously had been. Thank you, Me.

Health Stats:

171cm, 74kg, BF (last time I checked when I weighed less was around 30% - so probably higher than this), currently have a throat infection (again),

2020 Baby... Goals:

Clear $17,500 debt*, Get Drivers License (2 lessons down), Mediate & Write Daily, Save $20,000 by end year, Complete 5 Uni Subjects with HD Avg., Maintain Vegan Lifestyle, Write 40 New Songs, Record 1 Song, Travel (Europe & South America), LOVE MYSELF.

*spent on nothing in particular (supposed ‘good’ times essentially) and figure not inclusive of Student Debt.

Okay, I’m overwhelming myself. This is good.

Soul, we can do it. Web, bear witness.

It’s time to change, change, CHANGE for the better and for forever.

I love you.

[heyheyitsstillgay]

Ghost Weed - Unbe-leaf-able

Phandom Phic Phight Entry #3 based on a prompt by @bouhoue - Maddie decides to plant some new flowers in the garden...

#TeamGhost team leader @ibelieveinahappilyeverafter

Previous Entry ; Also available on FFN ; Next Entry

Words: 1,933; Status: Complete

TW: Blood mention, Ectoplasmic gore

Physics, specifically about space? Danny loved it. He wasn't sure any other kid smiles over homework like he is right now but who cares? Sure, his English was due sooner, but he was enjoying himself for once. A rare moment of actual happiness, he was going to savour it.

Ah, that's that ruined, he thinks to himself as a familiar bubbling suddenly presses against the back of his eyes. He gasps as his throat cracks. Grasping shaking hands against his desk, he jumps out of his chair and darts out the door. A viscous liquid drips down his oesophagus as his feet slam against the steps of the staircase. He doubles over as he swings the front door open. Choking against the water in his mouth (Blood? Ectoplasm?), he forces his feet forward and past the threshold of FentonWorks.

Twitching fingers clench around the phone in his pocket as the halfa gasps for air. Stumbling down the street to get further away from the stinging that's encompassing his skin, shaking fingers tap against the buttons of his device.

"What blossoms?" Jazz exclaims, voice laced with concern. A quaint straw hat adorns her head, it's rim is decorated with a sweet floral ribbon. The sun is comfortingly warm on her arms and legs, a light breeze brushes her skin like a soft blanket. It was a beautiful summers day, she'd be happy to be spending it in the garden if her mind wasn't swirling with worry over her little brother.

"Blood Blossoms." Sam replies, reaching down to pick another flower head.

She brushes the petals softly with fingertips that are free of her black lace gloves. The jostle of the plant disturbs the pollen, it shifts upwards in the breeze, seeming to hum and almost glow a soft mesmerising gold.

"They're not harmful to humans at all so you don't need to worry about that. It's just called that because of its deep red colour and the pattern of black droplets near the base." The goth girl raises the black netted veil of her hat so it no longer covers her face, she takes a pinch of petals from the flower and places them into her mouth. Jazz's eyes widen at the sight but she doesn't comment as Sam chews and deposits the rest of the flower into the basket she's holding by her elbow. Swallowing, Sam continues "that and they're known for repelling ghosts. In times of disaster or plague people used to throw Blood Blossoms or their seeds onto the bodies of the dead. It was supposed to deter spirits from coming to the area and making things worse. They grow quite well in corpses," The Fenton girl grimaces while Sams tone continues as though they're simply discussing the weather rather than quite gruesome suffering and the image of death. "Obviously. Like Poppies, blood makes for a good fertiliser, y'know?" "Why are you eating it then?" The ginger interrupts, preferring not to be any more disturbed than she currently is.

"It's the best way to get rid of them." Sam responds, plucking more of the plants from their stems. "They were good in times of famine too, they're fibrous and nutritious and totally vegan. Wanna try?"

Jazz was presented the flower as though it wasn't something her brother described as 'Horrible, makes my blood simmer and expand as a super heated gas while my skin tries to peel away from my body. Like being electrocuted to death. Again.'

"I'm good." She forces a smile and gestures for the offending plant to stay away from her, Sam simply shrugs and places it in the basket with the others. "The pollen's quite pretty." Jazz quietly concedes. Sam smiles with gritted teeth.

"The pollen's the bad part." The goth laughs emptily, "It can phase through a ghost's skin, it reacts with the ectoplasm and gets in the way of their powers and, well, any function actually. It makes them seize up and saps at their energy. It's like ectoplasmic hay-fever but instead of making your nose run it'll destabilise ya." She grasps at the plant stems again, harsher, significantly less care than before.

"Thanks so much for your help guys, I never thought mom would choose to spend a summer's day gardening, but of course, if she did it'd be to bite me in the ass specifically." Danny laughs as he enters the back garden later on. It's perimeter is a state, black stems poking out of the soil. Tucker smirks, just glad that he got to hang out with Danny all day rather than deal with a flower that continues to haunt his nightmares. That says a lot considering he hunts ghosts with his friends on the daily.

"Stand back Ghost Boy." Sam smirks, hoisting two overflowing baskets of plant life into the air and edging her way around the house. "Your parents had planted enough for several months worth of salads, or, enough to eject your soul from your body." She makes finger guns as she backs out of the gate to head back to her house.

"You okay Danny?" Jazz asks, brushing her damp palms against her shorts and keeping her distance from the halfa, just in case.

"Yeah, it's barely noticeable at this point. Currently, the most threatening thing about being here is being found at the scene of a pretty horrendous ghost-plant-crime by our parents." He turned to head into their house, "When they notice, do you think we can convince them it was attacked by a local pro-ghost dog?"

Vines slunk towards him from every angle. The once comforting glow of the ghost zone around him became tinted red. Thorns pierced his ankle as a heavy stench of rot assaulted his nose. Vines pulled against him. Thick air surrounded him, weighing down his limbs. A scream tore from his throat while ectoplasm squirted from him. Breath taken away, Phantom looked down his wispy distorted form to see the curled, spiked, black vine protruding out from hi-

Danny's eyelids snap open. Chest heaving ragged gasps as he moves his hand to hover over his heart and core in an attempt to calm himself. Tongue heavy in his mouth, he shakes off the frost that has crystallised in his dark hair and sits up in his bed.

A nightmare? Not uncommon, and considering the relevant theme he doesn't suspect that one of his enemies is behind it. The ghost boy is still freaked from yesterday, part of him can still feel the itch echoing on his skin.

Wait. Oh, you're kidding. Danny rises from his bed on unsteady legs from the adrenaline dying down. He pads over to his window and raises the blinds. Yeah, not kidding. Anxiety surfaces again and he swears stress is going to kill him before any ghost hunter has the chance. Pushing the heels of his palms into his eyes, he stops when he begins to see stars. Quickly phasing his pyjamas off, Danny throws on underwear, a t-shirt and some jeans. He doesn't bother with socks. Grabbing a backpack he keeps phased into the floor under his bed, he turns invisible and creeps out of his bedroom. The stinging wasn't as bad as last time and it was stupid o'clock in the morning, so the ghost boy focuses more on stealth than speed when he slips out of his home. This time leaving the garden isn't nearly as difficult, the sprouting spectral weeds, for the most part, haven't bloomed yet. His skin itches a slight but it's not incapacitating, either way it's better for him to leave now. Checking his phone and texting his sister to let her know what's going on, Danny decides that 5am is a perfectly reasonable time for a patrol. Sleep is for the weak.

"So, what happened to eating them being the best way to get rid of them?" Jazz asked.

"Well, during our last encounter they weren't planted, they were just kinda scattered. Pass me the stuff?" Tucker reaches his hand towards the canister that the older teen is clutching closely to her abdomen. She hands it over with reluctance clearly written on her face.

"And this is the best plan B that you guys have?" Scepticism is clear in her voice as the Fenton backs away. Tucker responds with a smile like there was nothing out of the ordinary about the situation, he moves towards the flower beds and uncaps the hefty container that Jazz had managed to get a hold of that morning.

"Well, the issue must be with the roots, either that or they're able to reproduce ridiculously quickly," he shakes the liquid onto the flower bed and begins to walk around. Keeping to the edge of the garden, he leaves through the fence on one side, a minute or so passes as he re-emerges at the other side of the house, resuming his dousing of the soil. "We could always try weed killer but, Danny's supposed to be able to live here. Weed killer can take a while and even then you have to top it up sometimes. Your parents might be a bit clueless but surely they're going to get suspicious about why he's never home after one week."

"So you thought about chemicals and after careful consideration decided that this was the best bet?" She wrings her hands together as the boy caps the near empty canister and offers it back to her.

"Yeah, basically." Tucker shifts a small cardboard box out of his pocket, Jazz can't help the hands flying to her face in dismay as the boy removes a small match and attempts to light it.

He succeeds, his smile bursts with pride as he looks back towards his best friend's sister and drops the lit match onto the trail of petrol.

The warm days recently mean the soil is reasonably dry, so the flames catch surprisingly quickly. Wind not strong enough to put out the blaze, ends up carrying it across the plant life as a hazy red smoke begins to plume into the air.

"See?" The techno-geek backs away from the fire, "I told you it'd be fine."

"Yah-huh, and what's your plan for when our wooden fence catches fire?"

"When what now?" His head snaps back to where he had been stood a moment ago. Sure enough, the previously white fence is developing a black char at the base. "Uhhhh, fancy a barbecue?" He shrugs his shoulders and smiles in a way that looks terribly similar to a grimace.

"Okay, you head inside and find a bucket, I'll double check that the whole plot is definitely alight." Tucker giggles to himself as the blood red smoke rises from around the corner of the house, clearly the fire has successfully spread to the front garden too. "Ha! Lets see them grow back from that!" He crosses his arms before reaching for his phone as Jazz rolls her eyes and heads into her kitchen.

The teen clicks on Danny's contact info to tell him they've sorted the situation for real this time. It rings twice before the halfa answers him.

"Hey Tuck, how's it going?" The voice sounds from over the line. Before the teen can answer, a sudden angry screech comes from behind him.

"What! On! Earth! Has happened! To my garden!?" Tuckers eyes bulge in his head and his speech into his phone comes out like a spluttering cough.

"So the good news is the flowers aren't gonna kill you. The bad news is," He takes in a choked breath, "your mom's about to kill me now instead."

[mensbodybuildingtips]

How to Stop Food Cravings in 3 Easy Steps

Food cravings can be downright diabolical in their power to wreck our weight management efforts. Below's ways to beat them the simple way.

These days, many individuals assume shedding body fat ways neglecting whatever they learn about food and eating nothing yet organic meats, ordinary leafy environment-friendlies, nuts from unique rainfall woodlands, as well as various other mystical foodstuffs that are meant to function old, Paleolithic forms of dietary magic.

This trend of dietary eugenics has actually turned obtaining suit a nearly masochistic ritual of rejection that leaves individuals aggravated, starving, and also downright unpleasant, dreaming of the felonies they would certainly devote for a couple of spoonfuls of Ben and also Jerry's.

It does not have to be like this. Losing fat doesn't need to suck. You don't have to go to battle with food yearnings each day, hungry and also alone.

You can definitely shed fat while appreciating your favorite foods each day with a sane, tupperware-free technique to consuming and also without falling under the usual nutritional mistakes that trigger individuals to toss in their dietary towels and also breathe in entire containers of peanut butter.

In this write-up, I intend to talk about the 3 most usual mistakes individuals make while aiming to shed fat that trigger as well as amplify food yearnings then offer you some easy devices you could make use of to keep your temptations at bay.

Stop the Serious Calorie Deficits to Quit the Cravings

When it concerns fat burning, allow's face it: we desire results, and also fast. And also the fastest (and also worst) method to shed weight is to simply deprive ourselves.

Sure, badly restricting calories makes the number on the range go down as well as maybe we can power via in the beginning for pleasant, sweet gainz, but at some point our solves begins to fracture. And also it's typically when we're alone in bed during the night, after another ludicrous 1,400-calorie day of hen bust and environment-friendly slop.

The fact is hunger weight loss features numerous serious 'side results' and is a proven way to fall short in your mission to obtain lean ...

Much of the weight originally shed is water, which goes…and comes…very quickly.

When somebody sheds 6 extra pounds in a week, at least 50%, and as high as 75-80% of it is water, and also can in fact be gotten back within 1-2 days of overeating.

You also lose muscle, as well as the less you eat, the a lot more you lose.

As you shed muscle, your body not only begins to take on that amorphous "skinny fat appearance," however your metabolism reduces down, your bone wellness reduces, and also your danger of condition increases.

You really feel progressively even worse and also worse. 

Your energy levels drop, you become emotionally or even depressed, and, finally, you obtain pounded by food cravings.

You see, one of things that occurs is your body's balance of two important hormonal agents that connect to appetite and also satiety-ghrelin and also leptin-get thrown away of whack, and all heck break out in your stomach as well as brain.

In basic terms, when ghrelin is high and leptin is low, which is just what occurs when we eat as well little for too long, our brain interprets this as a signal that we require food now, and well, that's when the enjoyable starts.

Coincidentally, carbohydrate is one of the most efficient macronutrient for improving leptin degrees, which causes feelings of volume, as well as which is why we often hunger for all our favorite desserts as well as deals with when in the throes of food cravings.

What's the solution, then? What does it cost? can we limit our calories to take full advantage of fat loss without compromising our muscle mass as well as sanity?

Well, if you maintain as well small of a calorie deficiency (10% or smaller sized), the slow rate at which you'll lose fat could create its very own issues. You're most likely to obtain burnt out with the procedure and the lackluster training and also eventually offer in to the mental fatigue and also simply eat your brains out.

Remaining in a calorie deficiency for lengthy durations of time additionally reduces down your metabolic rate, which isn't really a significant trouble per se, but demands that you appropriately lower your calorie consumption in time to proceed shedding fat (something many individuals don't understand or do then wonder why they aren't shedding fat any longer).

The profits is both clinical research study and anecdotal evidence supports using a calorie shortage of 15 to 25% to enhance both fat loss and hormone balance while likewise retaining lean mass and also providing adequate food to maintain us from establishing carnal feelings towards our preferred baked goods.

I'm a huge supporter of rapid fat loss over 'sluggish cutting' and personally do every little thing I could to make the most of fat loss, including utilizing a 20 to 25% calorie shortage - Mike

Stop the Poor Food Choices to Quit the Cravings

Flexible dieting, or 'If It Fits Your Macros,' is a blessing to those that have tried to suffer through the convictions of 'clean eating.'

' IIFYM' is an amazing tool for long-term dietary compliance, food craving monitoring, and also general lifestyle satisfaction. And also there's something perversely gratifying to consuming some gelato daily while dieting to shrink-wrap body fat percentages.

There's a factor where it goes also much, though-where consuming way too much unprocessed food ends up being detrimental to the total procedure of dieting.

When you're exercising your dish strategy for weight loss, 'saving' a couple hundred everyday calories for something pleasant isn't a problem, however when you're removing your meal plan bare to 'squeeze in' a 1,200-calorie banana split, you're going to have problems.

When you obtain as well carried away, you stick yourself in a situation where you're pounding down far way too many easy sugars and also other high-glycemic carbs, which suggests energy swings, which consequently means cravings as well as yearning swings.

Eating way too many high-calorie refined foods additionally implies your dishes will be fairly low in total food volume, which indicates your tummy will be empty for longer time periods, which elevates ghrelin levels as well as kicks the craving snowball down the hill.

What's the service to all this?

It's straightforward, truly. With simply a couple of dish tweaks, we can keep energy degrees stable throughout the day and also stay clear of cupboard-clearing catastrophes.

Make certain each dish contains a part of protein and coarse carbohydrate.

Both healthy protein as well as fiber are great for providing a shock of satiety, curbing cravings and mitigating ghrelin spikes. Simply a few hundreds calories of healthy protein as well as coarse carbohydrate can be enough to load us for a number of hours.

Spread your nutritional fat intake throughout the day

Dietary fats also offer satiation, yet they take longer to work than protein as well as carb. They reduce the food digestion of our meals also, which assists keep us full for longer durations of time.

As a general policy, if you split your everyday fat intake between your 2 to 3 largest dishes, you'll see the biggest satiation benefits.

Stop the Restrictive Diet programs to Quit the Cravings

If you resemble the majority of people, 'weight management' is identified with swearing off carbs and simply regarding anything you in fact prefer to eat. This is silly.

I hate resorting to motto, yet in this case it's called for: when it involves the dietary value of a fat loss diet regimen, the good ol' 80/20 policy functions rather nicely.

That is, if you get 80% of your everyday calories from unrefined or minimally refined nutrient-dense foods like fruits, vegetables, whole grains, seeds, meat, dairy products, and the like, you could 'escape' with 'costs' 20% of your everyday calories on nutritionally challenged but oh-so-tasty goodies.

This 20% 'shake room' is plenty to give you sufficient of the 'good things' to curb desires, and also several individuals find that simply understanding they could eat sweet and also Pop Tarts is enough to reduce the need to in fact do so. Personally I choose things like delicious chocolate and homemade baked items and also desserts of different kinds.

The Bottom Line

Busting your evaluate in the fitness center without noticeable results draws. And also feeling like you need to experience making gains draws simply as much.

I hope this write-up has actually increased your nutritional collection and also given you some reliable ways to beat food cravings and stop dietary failings, as well as to, attempt I state, make fat loss an enjoyable process.

[anaseski]

How my gut health was the direct cause of depression and anxiety

Most of you who have been following me for a while know I took a break from Social Media between August – November last year.  I promised I would share my story, what I experienced and how I overcame it, so here it is!

This is actually very difficult for me to share.  I’ve contemplated deleting this blog post numerous times and I’ve held onto it for months debating on whether or not I should even post it!  I do believe its an important message to share and I’m hoping by doing so it helps anyone else suffering from depression and anxiety that they are not alone and it’s something you can totally overcome without the use of antidepressants!

This is my story…

I’m generally a happy person and you will always find me smiling.  I tend to be extroverted, but I admit sometimes it’s exhausting (so I’m not sure if that makes me a closet introvert?!)  But I’m a confident person and in my career I’m highly driven (typical type A personality) and have always been able to balance the stress of work and my everyday life very well.  Until there was a time I couldn’t.  

First off, I want to preface this with this was my experience and I’m writing this from my point of view.  I did things that worked for me, but may not work for others.  This post is meant to help you disseminate if there are similarities between what I experienced  and what you could be experiencing or have experienced.

So why is gut health so important and how is it tied to depression and anxiety anyway?

Most people don’t realize that 80% of your immune system is found in your gut and your gut health has a direct link to your mental health!   Your gut has trillions of microbes that work to keep your body in harmony.  When your gut balance is thrown off or compromised, it can cause havoc to your body both physically and mentally.  Eg. Nutritional deficiencies, hormonal imbalance, inflammation conditions and yes, depression and anxiety.  

Last summer I started have serious gut health issues and it took me over 3 months to figure out what was causing it.  Throughout this discovering process, I suffered from severe anxiety, to the point I was having full blown panic attacks.  And I’m talking about every day, all day long to the point it was waking me out of my sleep. Now, I’m a logical person, I knew there was no reason to panic but I couldn’t control it no matter how hard I tried. If anyone has suffered from panic attacks knows, it’s hard to cope.  I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t come up for air.  I could no longer function normally anymore and it got to the point I could barely get out of bed in the morning.  

And the shocking part was all of that was tied to the bacteria in my gut being unbalanced.

So what causes the bacteria in your gut to go unbalanced?  It could be a variety of things, from chronic illness, to a bacterial infection, to a major life altering stressful event, to food poisoning, to something simple like taking antibiotics or just picking up a foreign bacteria while travelling.   What happens is the bad bacteria start to multiple (by living off, you got it!  bad process foods – i.e. sugar!)  and it slowly takes over your good bacteria.  By time you start to feel the effects of this it’s usually in the form of anxiety, depression, digestive issues or nausea (like IBS).  

So how did I overcome the depression and anxiety? I first focused on re- balancing my gut bacteria. The moment I got this under control, the panic attacks slowed down, the anxiety subsided, and the depression slowly dissipated.  It didn’t happen overnight, but within a few months I was able to get back to my normal life.  

Here was my journey to healing (without taking medication/antidepressants):

1.  I was relentless in my endeavor to overcome what I was feeling!  I refused to accept this as a ‘new normal’.  First thing I did was pushed for my doctor to get to the root cause, I didn’t accept their diagnosis at face value, and if I wasn’t happy with the results, I went for a second opinion.  I didn’t take medications without understanding the side effects. For example, acid blockers were prescribed to me however they cause heart palpitations which in turn triggered my panic attacks.  So be relentless!

2.  I found a Gastrologist who understood gut health and helped me get to the root cause of my gut health issues.  Remember depression and anxiety are just symptoms of an underlying issue!

3.  I eliminated sugar immediately.  Anyone who has followed me for a while knows I do periodic sugar detoxes.  I am trying to gear myself to get to a point that I can eliminate processed sugar completely from my diet because it really feeds the bad bacteria in your gut and causes all sorts of problems (you can see a previous blog post on the effects processed sugar has on your body)

4.  I took probiotics daily!  Even though I was already taking probiotics when all this started, the type of probiotics I was using wasn’t the right base formula for me.  After seeing a 2nd Gastrologist he helped me understand that I was using ‘foreign’ good bacteria which only die off after a couple of weeks. I ended up switching to a probiotics that contain Lactobacillus and Acidophilus which help build up your natural colony of good bacteria.

5.  I drank organic chicken bone broth multiple times a day.  Bone broth has natural properties that improve digestive and gut issues like unbalanced or leaky gut.  It contains collagen and gelatin that are rich in amino acids which help reduce inflammation.  

6.  I gave up caffeine!  This was a hard one, but I pretty much had to avoid any foods that raised my heart rate.

7.  I drank herbal teas.  Ginger, ginger and more ginger!  It was my savior!  At least for the hour or two after I drank that tea, I was able to feel somewhat calm and it allowed me to eat small quantities of food.  

8.  I started to do yoga every day. I’m an avid runner and because I was so weak, I couldn’t run, and I started to lose muscle very quickly!  I started doing Yoga, which helped with breathing and blood flow and allowed my body to relax and it really helped subside the panic attacks. There are actually poses that help with different ailments, so I focused on poses that helped with my gut issues and anxiety.

9. This was a hard one, but I talked to someone.  I’ll be honest, I felt helpless at times, frustrated beyond belief and quite honestly just sad that I couldn’t get this under control quickly.  Sharing doesn’t add to the burden, it truly lessens it so please share and talk to someone, family/friends or a health care professional when you are experiencing any form of anxiety or depression!

10.  I started reading books, for me this helped not focus on my anxiety.  Bottom line is find a hobby that works for you to help get your mind off what you are feeling.

11.  I ate foods that didn’t cause digestive problems.  I basically limited my diet to soup broth, plain white rice, bananas and a lot of herbal tea.  I did take B12 and iron supplements, along with magnesium oil and vitamin D.  All of these help to ensure you are still absorbing nutrients, which is super important when you are trying to heal your gut!

12.  Instead of antibiotics, I tried oil of oregano pills, which have natural antibiotic properties that helps kill bad bacteria.  These did help me but I will caution they were still pretty strong and they did upset my stomach so make sure you take them with food.

Well there you have it!  It’s a long list but after a few months I was able to get back to my normal self and I’m happy to say I did it naturally, without taking antidepressants!  

I hope in sharing this, it helps anyone who may be experiencing anxiety and depression or who is suffering from panic attacks to look into their gut health and push to get to the root of what’s causing it.  You are not alone, it can happen to anyone!  I’m happy to answer any questions you may have about my experience!

Thank you for allowing me to share my journey!

Sincerely,

Andria

Keep smiling :) 

[cinnaminsvga]

La Douleur Exquise Pt 3 | Incubus!Yoongi AU

➵ summary: in which you accidentally summon an incubus in the middle of your shitty apartment and he won’t leave until you agree to have sex with him. until then, min yoongi, incubus extraordinaire, is now your sexually promiscuous and grumpy roommate. aka, the incubus au no one fucking asked for. ➵ warnings: emotionally constipated yoongi and reader but what else is new ➵ genre: fluff, angst, humor ➵ words: 4.4K ➵ a/n: this part was supposed to be 10K long, but I decided to cut it short and leave the other half to be in part 4 instead. sorry for the long wait!! hopefully this doesn’t seem too rushed lol

➵ part 1 // part 2 // part 3 // part 4 // part 5 // part 6 // part 7

If scientists ever discovered a way to punch the sun, then you were sure you’d be the first one in line.

As the bright rays from the outdoors filtered into your small bedroom, you cursed past-Y/N for not having the forethought to close the blinds. You groaned tiredly, feeling the fatigue from your week of inadequate sleep still weighing heavily on your eyelids. You slowly stretched your tired limbs, your hands searching for something, or more specifically, someone.

While your twin-sized bed was usually only occupied by yourself, you distinctly remembered going to bed with a notoriously grumpy incubus the night before. But as your hands start reaching for the demon’s warmth, you were surprised to find that he wasn’t there. In fact, the sheets did not even feel remotely warm, making you assume that he had awoken maybe hours before yourself.

“What is the fucker doing now?” You muttered to yourself, groaning as your creaking joints protested after even the slightest movements. It was not without much complaining and cursing when you attempted to stand up, and not even bothering to check your disheveled reflection as you exited your bedroom in search of your grumpy demon roommate.

It did not take long for you to locate him since he was just standing by the stove, with a pair of cooking chopsticks in his hands and your pink frilly apron adorning his bare chest. You could hear the slight sizzle of the pan as he flipped what appeared to be an omelette the size of your head.

Your footsteps must had been louder than you had anticipated because Yoongi immediately turned around the moment you enter the small kitchenette.

Yoongi offered you a small grin (it looked more like a grimace, but you give him full points for trying). “’Sup,” was all he said as he finished plating the spectacular omelette on a plate for you. You could not help but notice that Yoongi had cooked the omelette exactly the way you made it for him: with a copious amount of bacon and cheese. You tricked yourself into thinking that the smile on your face was because you were finally getting to eat.

“This is all for me?”

“Fuck no. Half of it’s mine. But if you’re going to be a fatass and eat all of it, then I guess I’ll have to make myself another one.” He scoffed, but judging by the way he had already started to cook himself another omelette anyway, you guessed that he hadn’t meant a word he said.

“Sheesh, grouchy. Fine. Here, have my other half.” You teased, causing the demon to turn around in shock.

“W-wha—no! You finish that omelette, stupid! I was just joking! You need all the food you can get, asshole. Have you seen yourself lately? How am I supposed to fuck you if you look like you’re going to pass out any second now? That’s super rude you kno—“ You don’t get to hear his full rant, however, because Yoongi had suddenly stopped mid-sentence. His eyes were boggling comically wide when you promptly walked over to him to leave a chaste kiss on his cheek.

“What—huh—shit—fucker—fuck—!” He stammered, a stream of broken expletives escaping his mouth in disbelief. After having lost all speaking abilities, it was his shocked eyes that asked ‘what the fuck you think you were doing?’ since all signs of his functioning mental state had completely disappeared. You also don’t miss the slight blush creeping us his neck.

For a demon who could dirty talk like there’s no tomorrow, he definitely couldn’t handle a little bit of affection from a weak, sickly human.

Very much aware of his embarrassed state, the grin on your face was downright devilish. “Aww, is little Yoongi flustered from my little kiss?”

He flicked your forehead in retaliation, but it did nothing to stop your smirk from widening. “You motherfucker! You did that on purpose!”

You shrugged your shoulders, a small giggle escaping your lips. Yoongi would kill you if you ever told him that he was cute, but it didn’t stop you from thinking so. “Maybe so. It’s my way of saying thank you.”

It amused you greatly when the persistent blush along Yoongi’s neck refused to leave, even after he finished cooking his own omelette. When he had plated his food, you were amazed to see him actually eat like a normal person, taking regular sized bites instead of scarfing it down like an animal as he usually did. If your curious eyes irritated Yoongi, he chose not to address it, instead eating the omelette alongside you in peace.

It was an awkward type of peace; it was the type of silence that often encompassed two acquaintances who did not know what to talk about. It was when the conversation stilled and the two people find that there had nothing in common to talk about, save for the quarreling the two of you normally engaged in. Now that there was too much tension from the night before, it did not seem right to continue bickering as if nothing was wrong—as if you hadn’t looked like death from the night before.

The quiet did not last for long, as it seemed that whatever had been bothering Yoongi finally snapped him out of his odd muteness.

“We need to talk about last night. The tension in this fucking room is making my asshole clench,” he said, his fork clattering noisily onto his plate.

You barely glanced up at the demon, instead opting to go the route you normally went to—teasing. “Aww, is Yoongi worried about lil ol’ me? If I had known your heart would grow three times bigger if I stopped eating, maybe I should’ve done it sooner,” you tried joking lightly, before finally looking up from your plate and expecting to find an irritated or angry Yoongi scowling back at your petulance.

You find neither of those emotions. If you had to name the emotion swimming in Yoongi’s eyes, you could only liken it to fear.

Oh.

So he had been worried.

The teasing immediately died in your throat. “Oh,” you muttered weakly, glancing away from his intense stare and choosing to play with your food instead. “You were serious.”

You heard him snort disbelievingly. “You fucking think? You looked like you were going to die last night. Why haven’t you been eating? Don’t think I haven’t noticed; also, stop playing with your food. I’m not leaving you alone until you finish every bite.”

You paused. A perpetually irritated and grouchy Yoongi? You were used to handling his daily mood swings. But a genuinely worried and maybe even caring Yoongi? This was unlike any encounter with him that you had ever faced.

Your silence was starting to annoy Yoongi. “Well? What’s up?”

It took you a while to choose the appropriate words. Eventually finding none, you decided to just reply bluntly. “I’m saving up on money.”

Yoongi’s glare (Fuck, had he been glaring? He was actually trying to be nice, believe it or not) stopped short. Yoongi looked at you confusedly. “What? What do you mean? I thought you were working, which is how you fucking acquire money. Or am I missing something here?”

Despite being unable to meet his eyes, the undivided attention you could sense he was giving you made you fidget in your seat. You were used to his lustful gazes and miffed glares, but this stare wasn’t like any those times. What was happening? Fuck.

“Well? Am I missing something here?”

Sighing heavily, you finally managed to gather enough courage to explain your dilemma to Yoongi. “Alright, here it goes.” You shrugged, already preparing yourself for his teasing.

Basically, you had been short on cash recently because you had been sending too much of your salary back to your parents—more than you should be. In addition to the extra mouth to feed (i.e. Yoongi), you decided to cut some expenses in order to keep supporting both your family and Yoongi. One of those expenses happened to be your breakfast and dinner, since you managed to get lunch for a discounted price at the diner you worked at. You supposed that with the upcoming exams and stressful work environment, all your missed meals and lack of sleep had finally caught up with you last night.

“I’m pretty pathetic, aren’t I? I’m so stupid; I can’t even getting eating right.” You tried laughing it off, but you couldn’t quite hide how forced it sounded; it sounded like nails scraping against a chalkboard.

When you were talking, you had been too scared to make eye contact with Yoongi, too fearful to find his judging eyes staring back at you. It was bad enough that you didn’t function like a normal human being, what with not enjoying sex and all that, so you didn’t need to feel more like a loser any more than you should. But after waiting a couple of moments when you had finished speaking, you were confused as to why Yoongi still had not uttered a single word in response.

Swallowing drily, you forced your eyes upwards, bracing yourself for whatever expression Yoongi might be wearing. To your intense confusion, you found that he had no expression, his face stoic and unmoving. For some reason, you felt your heart drop in disappointment, but you weren’t quite sure why. He didn’t seem like he was judging you, so why were you sad?

Were you really crestfallen that maybe he had never been worried at all? Had you been hallucinating when you thought Yoongi could have been genuinely worried about you?

When your eyes met, Yoongi had only muttered a simple “oh” before continuing to eat his omelette. He never brought up the subject again.

The day passed without another word, and everything went back to its proper place.

Or so it seemed.

Except, some things had changed, and you would be an idiot not to notice them.

You go to work as per usual for the next couple of days. Unlike your usual routine, however, you found that you no longer needed to cook Yoongi his breakfast because he would already be gone by the time you had awakened. You never really told him that he wasn’t allowed to leave the apartment, seeing as how he was, for the most part, a functioning adult, so it wasn’t really your right to tell him what he could and could not do. It was still a surprise to find him missing every morning, as he had never left the apartment prior to what you have now labeled “The Collapsing Incident.”

You couldn’t help but feel lonely in the mornings, as you found yourself missing his vulgar comments and unwanted sexual advances. You had actually found your daily bickering to be a favorite part of your mornings, when Yoongi would be complaining about something completely mundane while you nagged at him to do something useful.

It was a weird sensation, and you weren’t sure whether you wanted to psychoanalyze yourself or not.

Although, you never had to worry whether he ever came home because you always knew that he be back around midnight. When he would think you were fast asleep, you would feel your bed dip slightly, his warm body gently encasing you in an embrace. You would fight to keep your breathing steady, lest he found out that you were aware of his nightly cuddles. Once again, you realized that you don’t actually mind this. You even went as far as to snuggle closer to him, seeking the warmth you never knew he could offer. Your brain told you to blanch and remove yourself from him, but your limbs never paid it any attention.

You promised yourself that if he ever made any move on you while you were asleep, you would immediately punt him across the galaxy and castrate him with a dull spoon. However, Yoongi never made a move to touch you, other than the sweet embraces he would give you. Nothing sexual ever happened, and you weren’t sure whether you understood why this was happening in the first place.

The both of you were supposed to hate each other. Well, maybe not hate, but you certainly weren’t supposed to just platonically cuddle with a sex-crazed demon. This went against everything you had ever known to be true. It was confusing, and your sleepy brain was much too tired to deal with the specifics.

And so, both of you went to sleep.

By the time morning came, he would already be gone.

––♡♡♡––

He never took off without leaving a little surprise, though. Every morning, you would always find some breakfast ready, with a small note from Yoongi saying that if you didn’t eat it, he’d jack off in your bed (or at least, that’s what you think he wrote, because his handwriting was horrendous.) Even though his breakfasts were usually just simple sandwiches or even some shitty instant pancakes, he’d always leave some without fail.

There was one particular morning when Yoongi had shocked you the most. On your small kitchen table was a spectacular assortment of breakfast food, from omelettes and bacon to French toast and oatmeal. All of the things on the table looked absolutely delicious, but you couldn’t help but wonder where he could have gotten the ingredients. You suspected some thievery was done here, but you weren’t sure whether Seokjin would actually have this much ingredients in his pantry, nor were you sure whether Yoongi was actually that amazing of a thief that he was able to steal of all of this without alerting anyone.

Yoongi had left another note for you that morning, explaining how he “had overcooked for himself and everything here is just leftovers so don’t let the food go to waste, idiot.” Uhuh, sure Yoongi. Leftovers meant that you had to actually touch the food, when all of these dishes seemed new to you.

(His eggs benedict? To die for. But you definitely wouldn’t tell Yoongi that.)

Despite these weirdly sweet gestures from Yoongi, you didn’t exactly feel assured just knowing he was alive and not knowing what exactly he was doing when he went off doing whatever it was he did.

Your suspicions were raised even further after coming home one afternoon from school when you “coincidentally” crossed paths with Seokjin, the handsome neighbor from before. He had asked you where Yoongi had been going to these past couple of days, explaining that he was shocked to see that Yoongi had actually donned a shirt during his daily escapades.

“You’ve seen Yoongi leave in the morning?”

“Oh yes, I have. You don’t know where he’s been going either?” You shook your head.

“Ah, so you don’t know why he was wearing shirt then? I was so surprised when I saw him—and it was a nice shirt, mind you. Although, I was quite confused when he had gone out in a shirt that looked eerily similar to one of my own—a shirt which I haven’t seen in my closet these past few weeks...” he trailed off, but you quickly dashed into your apartment before he could make any connections.

What was Yoongi doing? You don’t think you had ever seen Yoongi wear a shirt, much less a nice one, as Seokjin had put it. What if he was...

Dangerous thoughts, Y/N. Let’s stay focused.

Alright. Time to stop overthinking things and just get shit done. If you wanted to know what was happening, you were going to have to take matters into your own hands.

After a week had passed, you had finally had enough. So, you stayed up one night in order to corner him just as he had gotten back home.

It was around 1AM when Yoongi arrived, your ears alerted of the tired sigh coming from the doorway.

When Yoongi entered the living room, he was surprised to see that you were still sitting on the couch, seemingly watching a show on the television. That is, until he realized that the television was on mute and that you had probably been waiting for him to get home.

His surprise morphed into a scowl, which you assume was because his face was merely reverting back to its natural state (unbeknownst to you, Yoongi had actually been pouting because he had been excited to cuddle you while you were asleep, but he definitely wouldn’t be caught dead saying that to your face.)

You decided to cut to the chase. “Where have you been going everyday? Where have been getting money to buy all my food in the morning? Have you been eating? And when did you start wearing a shirt?” You asked, the questions flowing from your mouth one after the other.

Yoongi just brushed you off, going to the kitchen instead of answering. “What do you want to eat for dinner?” He asked, already pulling out a pan and some ingredients.

While you were sort of used to the little breakfast surprises in the morning, Yoongi never really asked you about dinner since he always got home so late (he just silently hoped that you would eat dinner on your own accord, which you didn’t. Idiot.)

“Tell me what you’re doing first.”

Yoongi rolled his eyes. “What does it matter? I’m going to cook spaghetti, and you’re not allowed to complain.”

“I don’t give a flying fuck about the spaghetti!” You screamed, extremely frustrated by his offhandedness. Amidst your exasperation was a bit of nervousness too, and you knew that it was absolutely ridiculous.

In the back of your mind, numerous questions began to form. What if he was seeing someone? He was an incubus after all! You were aware that he had his... special needs. He wasn’t shy when he expressed these needs to you, and since you weren’t capable of satiating them... Was he...?

For some reason, those thoughts left a sour taste in your mouth.

You poked him in the shoulder, hard. He yelped, almost spilling the open packet of spaghetti sauce. You peered over his shoulder to see that the brand was of pretty high quality, and definitely not something you would normally have in your pantry.

“Did you steal that from Seokjin again?” You accused.

“For your information, no. I bought it.”

“How? I only leave like $20 for you everyday, and you haven’t been taking them recently. Are you stealing?”

You both had a stare down, the tension in the room rising slowly by the minute. After a while, Yoongi eventually acquiesced, tired from the day and wanting to finally get some sleep (and cuddle with you.)

“You’re so fucking stupid, you know that?” He shook his head, returning to his pot of spaghetti.

You glared at him, eyebrow twitching in what you thought was a menacing manner (but Yoongi differed.) “How does that have to do with anything? I’ll have you know that I am highly qualified to—“

“I got a job, you idiot.”

That stopped you mid sentence for sure. You gaped at him, not really sure you had heard him right because in what dimension would Yoongi, grouchy and lazy incubus extraordinaire, would willingly go out day and night to work?

In the back of your mind, you wondered—hoped that he was doing this for you. That he really was worried when you had collapsed, and that maybe he liked you the way you—

Stop. No. Those are dangerous thoughts. You are treading dangerous territory. Back off.

You tried clearing your head a bit, so instead you asked “Is that right? Then tell me this: what have you been doing for work then?”

Judging by your stare, you both knew what you were implying. He was an incubus, after all. What better way to earn money than by doing what he was created to do? Selling his body for sex—it was too easy.

Instead, you were surprised again by how he rolled his eyes at you. “I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. I’m not a fucking prostitute.”

You looked at him defensively. “I didn’t say anything!”

“You were thinking it.” He retorted. Ok, true.

“Well, fine. You’re right. But I’m just wondering, why didn’t you just... become one? Isn’t that like, the easiest method for you?” You reasoned, saying method in air quotes.

Yoongi didn’t reply. Why hadn’t he? You were right; it was clearly the easiest way to acquire money. So why did he choose to work at some dingy production studio when he could earn hundreds more cash by having sex?

But he couldn’t reply, because he didn’t know why.

He was rubbing his neck, a nervous tick you noticed he did whenever he wanted to avoid something he didn’t want to deal with. He coughed, clearing his throat. “A-anyway, whatever. The point is, I got a job. A legal job, mind you. You don’t need to worry about feeding me anymore. Besides, I have been a bit of a freeloader, and I don’t want you missing meals for me because I don’t like my partners half-dead. Also, I wouldn’t even be needing to be fed if you would just let me fuck you already then I could be on my merry way, but noooo you don’t want to so now I’m here, feeling guilty as fuck because I’m the reason you’re so damn tired all the time and honestly this whole situation is kinda shitty for you, so I’m just trying to make things better—“

He didn’t even know what the fuck he was saying at that point, with some of his innermost thoughts accidentally mingling into his words. He could have gone on revealing even more of his embarrassing feelings when he suddenly felt your lips touch his cheek, immediately stopping him in his tracks.

Just like that morning many days ago, you had kissed him on the cheek again. He paused in his movements and really looked at you. A brief silence encompassed the two of you before you suddenly pull his face towards yours. And goddamn, he lets you.

So you kissed him on the other cheek. Then you kissed his nose, his eyelids, and his forehead. It was only when you press your foreheads together when he noticed: you were crying.

In the back of Yoongi’s mind, your voice echoed, “It’s my way of saying thank you.”

Yoongi cupped your face gently, tilting it upwards so that your own teary eyes made contact with his own. He was searching for something; for what, neither of you knew.

“Wha—?” You hiccupped, your eyes bugging at his odd demeanor. Did he want you to stop?

“Just be quiet. Continue what you were doing.”

“I—ok. Ok.”

“Ok.”

The only noise that filled you small apartment was the hushed sounds of lips meeting skin. Yoongi nuzzled his nose deep into your neck, making you sigh in contentment. It was as if time had stopped; you were no longer aware of what happened outside of this moment. It was only you and Yoongi—nothing more, nothing less.

If the warm feeling in Yoongi’s chest felt so damn good, then why did your tears taste so bitter? In the back of Yoongi’s mind, he swore that he would never let your tears spill ever again.

Suffice to say, the spaghetti was left forgotten.

After a while, Yoongi deemed it was getting too late and decided it was time for you to get some sleep. As Yoongi started pulling you by the hand to your bedroom, it was only then when you thought to break the silence.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” You whispered, voice shaking as much as your hands were. Yoongi grip tightened on yours; he wished they wouldn’t shake at all.

“I could ask the same to you.”

When the two of you reached your bed, Yoongi lifted the covers for you, allowing you to enter the bed first before staring awkwardly at you, unsure of what to do. You managed to send a small smirk to him.

“Why so shy all of a sudden? You’ve been sleeping in my bed for a week now.”

Yoongi spluttered. “Wait, you knew?” And you hadn’t been disgusted?

The bed shuffled as you moved to the side, making space for Yoongi. You tugged his arm forward. He lets you. (He’s so fucking stupid sometimes.)

“Just come here. Let’s sleep.”

Despite sleeping in the same bed together with the both of you still conscious, no “merrymaking” was done that night, and Yoongi amazed himself once again when he realized that he was perfectly fine with that.

If anyone ever found out that the sex-addicted demon was getting the fuzzies from a couple of nights cuddling with you, he was sure that he would be executed on the spot. But when your small hands cupped his face so tenderly in the quietness of your room, Yoongi couldn’t find it within himself to care, not when he felt this warm.

You snuggled up to each other, with your head resting on his chest, and you fell asleep like that. The last thing you heard was the sound of his heart as it slowly faded away from your mind, losing yourself to the dreamless abyss. It was the best sleep you had in ages.

It was in that moment, when he was watching the small puffs of air being exhaled from your open mouth and your eyelashes fluttering in your sleep, that Yoongi wondered for the first time in his life if this was what it would have felt like to be human. If it was, then humans were the luckiest creatures on earth.

Not for the first time, he yearned. But this was the first time he had ever yearned for something more than anything instantaneously gratifying.

The thought scared him—that you were able to wrap yourself so tightly around his life in just a few weeks. He knew that he should be careful, that he should not forget who he was above all else.

But as the warmth from your body slowly lulled him into slumber, he honestly couldn’t give a damn in that moment, especially when he had never felt this content in his life.

For once, Yoongi was happy, and he yearned for it to stay that way. Because the devil only knew how much he fucking deserved this.

––♡♡♡––

But alas, the moment does not last.

When the two of you awaken, the warm feeling in Yoongi’s chest had long since turned cold.

Yoongi’s time was running out.

[geoffreywalton]

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[matthillica]

Pandemic - Day 7 (Weds 3/18/20)

Not even sure where to begin this, suffice to say I've had a nagging feeling over the last few days that I need to document this as we all hurtle toward the unknown.

I haven't touched this blog in almost exactly 10 years, which is crazy to think about. Crazy that something I used to spend so much time agonizing over and pouring thought into has become antiquated and obsolete... only to become the one outlet that makes sense during this crazy time.

Yesterday I set up the Kinect on my Xbox, another obsolete piece of technology. Because I'm a nerd and always have to have the newest, hottest, flamingest shit, I got one of the first Xbox Ones to come out, which came with the second generation of Kinect sensor... you know, the one Microsoft tried to shove down all our throats relentlessly. Anyway, we basically used it as a voice operated remote to browse Netflix. "Xbox, pause" "Xbox, play" "Xbox, rewind"... you know, shit Americans are known for. Anyway, Microsoft eventually gave up the ghost and phased the Kinect out. Mine's been sitting on a shelf gathering dust for at least 2 years.

Now, it's a way (if I can get the damn thing working again) for us to use an outdated Skype app so that we can talk to Grandma on a daily basis. My daughter, Caroline is almost 2 (yes! I have a daughter now and have been married to my wife since September 2015). Grandma is in Kansas, set to move to be with us in Atlanta as soon as her house sells. She was supposed to come visit us 3/27, but it's looking like that won't happen now. I told her if she was able to get in the car TODAY and make the 14 hour drive, stopping only for gas and to sleep in her car, that she's welcome to come stay with us and ride this thing out. Tearfully, she told me she needed to stay in case someone wants to come look at the house.

Honestly, it's going to be safer for her there anyway. McPherson has around 15,000 people. Meanwhile Atlanta is set to blow with this virus and cases have started to double overnight. It's hard to know how many there really are simply because there's a shortage of testing. Personally, I think by this weekend, our healthcare system is going to be in the grips of the worst crisis it's ever seen.

I should also mention that my wife has some autoimmune health issues that are pretty unique. She suffers from Schmidt's Syndrome which is a combination of Addison's Disease and Hypothyroidism. It's something that can be managed with a daily regimen of drugs, but is a serious condition that can be exacerbated by illness. The story of her diagnosis and the things we went through to get to it could fill a book at this point. I have taken more trips to the ER in the last 5 years than I care to mention and many of them have been triggered by illness, whether that's a common flu or something given to my wife by Caroline from her daycare or mastitis... even the slightest thing can send her into adrenal crisis, which immediately requires a trip to the ER.

So... as you can probably guess... I'm pretty fuckin nervous about all this. Luckily, I have been quietly prepping and watching this story develop, so we have plenty of food, water, and meds to get us through the next 60-90 days. My concern is that if my wife catches this, which she probably will, we may need a trip to the ER... and that's the last place on earth I want to be right now or for the forseeable future.

I should ALSO also mention... my wife is 13 weeks pregnant with our second child. This means that now, not only do we get to navigate our way through a pandemic AND Schmidt's... but we also have to deal with morning sickness and fatigue, all the while playing the game of "Is this symptom just pregnancy OR is it your Schmidt's OR is it Covid?"

Anyway, the last few days have been rough and we're only at the beginning of this thing. My wife can barely stand due to fatigue. She basically moves from one flat position to the next... shuffling quickly from our bed to a sofa or from the sofa to the kitchen and back as quickly as she can. It's slightly horrifying. I've been trying to cram fluids and food down as much as possible, but it's hard when someone doesn't feel well. I got her a bottle that lights up every 30 min to remind her to drink, but that's not really helped much at all. I grabbed protein shakes from the store in an effort to find something high calorie with vitamins, etc. that she can drink easily. I basically had to hold a gun to her head to make her drink it this morning. I'm equal parts husband and taskmaster. It sucks.

Last night she said she felt the fatigue was getting worse and that it wasn't due to pregnancy. I can connect with her doctors via an app that allows me to send them messages... Laura was too tired last night to do this herself, so I fired off an email to both her endocrinologist and OBGYN. No response.

In preparation for a doctor visit today, which we assumed we'd be able to schedule, we drove to Laura's folks' house so they can watch Caroline while we go to the doc. We tried calling the docs on the way over, but it seems they're already trying to stem the flow of patients. It's worrisome when you're living with someone who has a life-threatening illness to see the system strained already when the worse is yet to come.

Anyway, not long after we got to my in-laws' house, Dr. Patel (endocrinologist) called me directly. After discussing Laura's symptoms with him for about 10 minutes, he said we need to go to the ER so that she can be given fluids via IV. I said, yeah... no I don't want to go there AT ALL. But he said really, we need to go as this is the only way to deliver IV fluids. I thanked him for calling us and he said he'd call back tomorrow to check in.

So... what to do? Do we drive into what we KNOW is a situation that will expose us both to Covid so that she can be given IV fluids and told she needs to eat more, which I can almost guarantee you is what will happen since we've been through this a dozen times before? OR do we do what we can at home, try to see if we can force fluids and food to make her feel better, then reevaluate tomorrow when, in all likelihood, the situation will be even worse at the ERs? Neither is a fantastic choice.

For now, we've decided to stick it out here at her parents and see if we can force the fluids and food for today. At the very least, tomorrow when we wake up if she is still not feeling better, we'll be able to say that we know she's not dehydrated and we know she's had enough food. I know it will be worse at the ER tomorrow, but if going there is a Covid sentence either way, seems like it would be smarter to delay that option as long as possible.

So that's the situation right now. We're all "working from home" at this point. I have a desk set up at home and have grabbed my monitors, so with the exception of the folding table set up in Caroline's playroom, it's just like my normal office setting, basically. It's interesting attending meetings and trying to handle the business-as-usual functions of our jobs while the world around us starts to crack and crumble. I can't help but wonder how long this routine will go on before each one of us is just in 100% survival mode, unable to track or even care about projects that have lost their meaning in the context of this incredible, unbelievable, worldwide crisis.

It's crazy to think that everyone... EVERYONE on EARTH... is living out their own versions of this story, complete with difficult situations to navigate and impossible choices to make. My own drama is consuming all of my mental real estate right now, so my heart is with everyone who is dealing with their own all-consuming drama as well.

Be good to each other over the coming days and weeks. Stay strong and as positive as possible. Take care and stay safe.

-Matt

[azufrost]

Jokes, amirite?

I know I say “kill me” a lot, but especially with times like these, I really want to mean it. I do. I fuckin’ hate life, I’ll tell you that much. Not being able to afford to live, or barely scraping by eats at me on a daily basis, and with my previous job cutting my hours so hard I had to quit it and jumped into my new job that was also on a “we’ll call you” basis that’s supposed to be picking up soon, I just really don’t want this to be what my life consists of. Every time I visit my grandparents or my parents, I always get a lecture. “Stop spending so much money on games!” You do realize I don’t actually spend money on games, right? I sell older games to hopefully afford a newer game. That’s it. Otherwise, someone else buys it for me. Very rarely do I spend actual money on a game, and still people don’t believe me because I own games. Games are not the source of my problem. I’m pretty sure without games, I would have lost any source of creativity a long time ago. I’m not very easily entertained or stimulated. Books aren’t too exciting for me unless I get the right one, which doesn’t happen very often at all. I can’t do crafts well yet so I’m still working on it, and even that takes a lot of mental power. Sitting around and typing and drawing takes a metric fuckton of mental strength out of me. It’s not as easy as everyone thinks it is.

I hate waking up in the morning. I so very much envy people that don’t have to do a damn thing and get handed free money without doing anything to earn it and don’t have to worry about anything or do anything to live. I’ve always gotten my ass kicked when I’m down, and even having 2-3 jobs at a time I STILL couldn’t afford to live. Complaining it’s not fair won’t get me anywhere, but damnit, if you complain about life being hard and it’s proven that all you really have to do with your life is sit around and waste money on things, then your life is not hard. You don’t have to go outside every day and pray you still have a job when you walk into work. You don’t have to hope to whatever higher power you look upon that you can still have a functioning car to get to your job, or have enough money to eat that day.

I know I’m not talented. I know half the community I try to be involved in has basically blacklisted me out of the community as a whole. I know I don’t have much to offer, or have a lot of friends that can help me out in my time of need. “Just make more money!” is my usual advice given, but unless I completely abandon the notion of eating or resting, that’s not physically possible. I can earn a little more, but not by much. Trust me, I’ve tried.

I know this account is only really used for reblogs of shitposts and Undertale art, but...I had to get it off my chest, even if nobody cares or even bothers to look at my blog. I don’t care. It helped a little.  There’s no real point to this post other than for me to complain (and I do know there are people that have it worse than me etc etc, but I have feelings too). I am heavily suicidal but I’m not going to off myself. I have to stick around at least for my cat, he needs me.

When I spend entire days crying almost nonstop and can barely hold back from bursting into tears at work, I just wanted to talk to someone about it, even if that someone is actually no one and nobody really gives a flying hoot to begin with if I have problems or not. I’m sure there are people out there that despise me that are just waiting for something like this to happen, like yes, I totally deserved this. I deserved losing my uncle and cousin within a month’s time from each other. I deserved running out of money and having to skip eating as much as physically possible. I deserved to stop having many friends. I deserved to lose the one friend closest to me that I thought, well, knew, would never leave me. I deserved to get sick almost every day except one out of the week. 

And now, I deserve my car breaking down without the funds to repair it for months even though it needs to be fixed as soon as possible or else it’ll combust.

So, to everyone that really doesn’t like me for whatever reason:

You got your wish. My life officially went down the shitter. I totally deserved it and I hope this brought a smile to your face. Sorry to disappoint, but I won’t be killing myself. Sometimes I want to, but I don’t want to give you everything that you want.

[wanderharryings]

Hong Kong from the eyes of an Instagrammer

Hong Kong’s places to visit was never of interest to me. It was all about their FOOD - I love warm meaty dim sums and sweet juicy roasts. It was a no-brainer that I will make it to Hong Kong some day for a dim sum pilgrimage.

Can’t recall exactly when but it was a day I flipped through the calendar and realised there wasn’t any holidays planned till 2020. So got onto skyscanner and booked 2 tix to Hong Kong! Boom! 

BEST. DECISION. MADE. IN. 2019.

We had a very very comfortable flight to Hong Kong via Cathay Pacific. We regularly fly via budget airlines to other parts of Asia so it was nice to fly via full-service airline on this trip. Food wasn’t fantastic but Haagen Daz on-board was a nice touch!

Landed shortly past midnight. Didn’t feel like figuring out the train services at that ungodly hours so we booked an airport transfer via Rideways by Booking.com. Wasn’t exactly cheap however service by our driver Ken Wan was top notch so I ain’t complaining. I highly recommend Ken if you are looking for an airport transfer in HK. He is so good with his instructions that it made navigating out of the airport so easy for us. 5 STARS!

Ken drove us right up to Hong Kong Island where we booked a 3-night stay at Hotel Jen via Booking.com . I have left my reviews on Booking.com so feel free to scroll through and read before deciding if you should go with our choice. It was a no-frills stay so we found it hard to justify the price we paid. However, you’ll appreciate the convenience of the location. The hood is very different in the wee hours and when the sun comes up! Love it!

Husband did the planning for most parts of this trip. He said he knew he had to pick the most instagrammable places to entice his wife to remain excited throughout the trip ;)

For the rest of this post, you’ll view snippets of my instastory to stay true to the IG-worthy theme.

Started the first day with a day trip to Tai O fishing village on Lantau Island. Wasn’t hard to get there via MTR and their bus service. You can google to find the varied ways to get to Tai O. A Singaporean we met on this trip advised to avoid Tai O during the weekends. Good for us we went on a Friday morning. There was barely any crowd. We took a leisurely stroll and munched on food we found along our path.

These spicy jumbo fishballs were the first thing we ate on this trip. It was the perfect pairing for the cold weather. My lips were on fire, in a good way.

Told ya - there was sooo much to eat as you walk around exploring the village on your own but eat sparingly because you shouldn’t miss out on this tiny dim sum stall. Their plump Har Gows simply glide down your throat one after another. Never ever had one that is this good! Do not worry about having more than 1 platter because there is soooo much walking to do (so you need to fuel up!) and of course a lot more to see besides food.

Tai O is an Instagram haven. There are so many activities and spots to photograph but I wasn’t sure how I would feel if I were to live there... at times I felt like I was intruding the locals’ personal space. Maybe no, there were plenty who greeted us with warm smiles and just went about doing their own things. 

Amidst the busy daily morning activities and the buzz in the marketplace, we stumbled upon a white building with massive Christmas decorations. Later realised it was a Church. We stood there thinking if we should go in to pay respects when a local greeted us with a big “Hello” and signalled us to go in. We entered but couldn’t find a prayer hall so exited almost immediately. Happy to have visited during the Christmas season to see the Church in it’s full glory.

We left Tai O to to check out the bargains at the Citygate Outlets located right smack at the MTR station where we have to transit. Very strategic I must say!

If you’ve been to the outlet malls in the US, then this wouldn’t excite you. Bagged a couple of items from Adidas and was mighty pleased with the discount. Left as soon as we gobbled down some roast meat on steamed rice for late lunch.

MTR’s well connected lines and undisrupted service ensured we arrived at the hotel on time to freshen up and head out for our night exploration. The moment we arrived back to HK Island, I missed the charm of Tai O. It was a great escapade from the concrete jungle. The city girl in me truly appreciated that side of HK!

For the night we decided on something a little more touristy - we cruised along Victoria Harbour on-board AquaLuna, a traditional Chinese junk boat. Hubs researched on the various cruise offerings and we unanimously agreed on AquaLuna. He got us tix on Klook . Each tix covered a complimentary drink for the 45-min sail. We ordered taro chips to go with our glass of red. It was indeed a beautiful start to our holiday!

We disembarked at the Victoria Harbour waterfront in Tsim Sha Tsui and walked along the Avenue of Stars, an avenue to honour HK film celebrities. It was just about time for the famous light show ‘Symphony of Lights’ to begin so we promptly grabbed a cup of hot chocolate each to catch the show in the cold winter night. Hong Kong is a true stunner at night!

It was hard to end the night early when there was still so much going on around that area. We pressed on and moved on to explore Nathan Street. Nightlife in HK didn’t seem any different from SG - it was all about brightly lit streets, bustling crowd and many more food options.

After clocking 25, 663 steps, we stopped for a quick wonton mee dinner and retired for the night. Thank God for our Timberland boots investment else we couldn’t have managed all that non-stop walking!

Day 2 was a lot more slower... we had to as our energy was depleting after a full on day 1!

We took the MTR once again (we did all day err day alright) and headed towards Quarry Bay to take photographs of the famed monster building. While searching for directions on how to get there, Hubs chanced upon the news that a photo taking ban has been put in place since Sep 2019. Apparently the residents complained about all the mayhem created by instagrammers so they fenced up the area! Oh, well; we didn’t give up ;)

Saw the banner and the fence? Occasionally you’ll have people coming out of their shops to monitor your movements. We were constantly whispering to each other while we were there as we were afraid of being chased out before we were done.

If you got sick of HK food and looking for some Indian/Indo fare, this is also the place to visit. We caught sight of non-locals patronising the grocery stores around this area. There were plenty of hair salons in a single stretch too!

Quarry Bay is an unconventional mix of modern buildings, old school housing charm, marketplaces, traditional bakeries, modern cafes and way more. 

Then it was back on the MTR to head towards the Central for some touristy shopping and gourmet indulgence before the next item on our itinerary - Victoria Peak!

Victoria Peak via the tram ride was totally Hubs’ idea. He didn’t manage to go up the Peak during his first visit to HK so this was a first time experience for us both. Once again, we got our tix from Klook. It was basically a combo ticket so we opted for the tram ride to Sky Terrace and a pass to Madame Tussauds.

We met our Klook guide at an MTR exit closes to the tram station. He chaperoned us to the station and briefed us on what needs to be done once we hit the peak. Clear instructions that didn’t require us to ponder much about what to do next. We followed his instructions to a T and ended up on the highest hill on Hong Kong island known as Mount Austin, and locally as The Peak. Windy and cold yet breathtaking view of the city and sunset shortly after we arrived.

It was a certainly a night to remember. In fact, it was 2 consecutive memorable nights! This called for a celebratory dinner. Hence, we trekked down to Yung Kee which wasn’t very far off the tram station. Our hearts and stomachs were so full.

Roasts and rice game strong! Hard to beat the HK folks in their fried rice renditions. Every grain is coated in grease and flavoured so well. Every mouthful leaves you wanting more. Perfection!

Causeway Bay, HK’s most up-scale shopping district was next on our agenda. We were all geared up for more walking and sightseeing. It was the perfect place to head to on our last night in HK as there’s the Wellcome supermarket that is open 24hrs which is the most perfect place to pick up edible gifts for family and friends back home. We researched quite a fair bit on the supermarkets to go to and the items to buy as gifts. A couple of supermarkets we walked into before Wellcome, were very much for expats so you don’t get local produce. I got carried away with the cool Tesco/Waitrose products manufactured just for the HK market! 

As for the specifics of the edible gifts, we got bottles of XO sauce and dried scallops from Yick Cheong Ho at Tai O. I felt it was more appropriate to get 'em sauces from Tai O than from supermarkets. The XO sauces sold in the supermarkets are brands that are available back home too. At Wellcome we picked up the remaining items on our shopping list like Greatwall luncheon meat, Nissin XO instant noodles, Holland “Black and White” evaporated milk cans and mango-pomelo sago bottled drink. 

We were extremely exhausted after clocking a total of 21, 519 steps for the day. Besides, all the edible gifts were weighing a tonne so it was only wise we headed back to the hotel. 

We’ve experienced enough of the efficient MTR system. So, it was time to experience HK’s heritage tram system, Ding Ding. It was a nice and slow ride “home”. 

Hong Kong Tramways has done a brilliant job in preserving the charm and maintaining a traditional transportation system to be functional since 1904.

On the next morning, one last hurrah before we board the airport express and fly back home...

I heart you with all of my heart, HK! Till we meet again, XO XO (pun fully intended).

[akwonders]

Party, date, drunk, reunion, ER?

So first I had like nothing planned. Then suddenly between Thursday afternoon and Friday I had a list. I was invited to a party by some co-workers, asked out on a date by 2 guys, and realized some friends are in the country. I was all O.o what on earth is going on?

One guy just wasn't going to make it into the schedule plus for some odd reason he irritates me already. The other one seemed to have more common sense on how to go about things. That is why I agreed with him.

Anyways, party with co-workers? Basically was a wine and cheese party with some other dishes. Pretty chill. Made it home and realized I was supposed to meet homie in like an hour.

It's funny because when we first started talking I was somewhat mean. Like if you want to learn English there are apps and hagwons for that. If you want some easy chick I am not the one.

He passed the message round. Sadly, most guys don't make it these days. He also doesn't live or work far from where I live so that is another thing that was working for him. Sent him a message to find out what exit and such. Only for him to realize that he mixed up the days. 😒

I will admit I was a bit 😑 at first but I could understand why later. Heck I was mixing up my days. He didn't want to break the date so he was like as soon as he get off of work we can still go. Which would have been an hour after our original time. So not too bad but I was like eh~ because he could be tired and then suddenly have to rush to a date. I felt kind of bad. So I told him not to worry and we can just make it for another day.

He wouldn't give up. Kept apologizing and really wanted to keep it for that night. I finally gave in because it seems if I didn't he was never going to let it go that he messed up while planning. He would message here and there until he got off.

By that time in general it was almost time for me to leave to meet him. So I went a bit early. I am always early. He took a taxi quick and when I saw him I was all 😮 because I was chilling listening to music. 😅

He apologized some more and I couldn't help but laugh because honestly it was pretty cute. Yeah I said that. He was cute alright? Alright.

We went to eat chinese styled lamb. Sat outside because the weather was nice. Had great conversation and too many bottles of soju.

I got drunk.

First time ever wasted.

Then I realized why. I didn't eat any rice or bread or anything all day to be able to balance out the alcohol like normal. So it got me good. Also had wine earlier in the day. Oops. 😅

To the point I kept switching from English to Korean with a mixture of Japanese. But we finished eating. He paid and we left. By this time it was almost 2am.

No subway running. So taxi it is. But before that...

I got sick. A stomach full of soju, wine and lamb is a no go for me apparently. So...yeah on the side of the road. Kept the guy out the way because I didn't want any on anyone. Was fine after that for a bit.

He made sure I had everything and made sure I was holding on to his arm as we walked.

At this point I was highly dependent on this man to much of my embarrassment.

But oh it gets better you guys. So much better~

Because I was drunk and not 100% or heck 60% me *chuckles* he gave the taxi driver the station to drop us off at.

Halfway, I had the driver pull over so I could throw up again. I actually told them in my drunken state I didn't want to mess up anything. The taxi driver was actually super nice too. Go figure. Anywho.

*covers my face in pure embarrassment* As I write this I can't help but cringe at the fact I have done such a thing.

Get to my station. He paid the driver. I somehow know how to walk to my place basically blind it seems. I magically press in door codes too.

So yes, this man now know where I live. At this point I was like whatever I need to get home at least. I have cctv everywhere if something goes down.

Made it to my apartment. Giggled at the fact I pressed in the code too fast and had to do it once more to get in. Quickly took off my boots. Told him to close the door while I ran to the bathroom to throw up again.

Yep~ a third time.

He made sure I was okay and gave me a ton of water to drink.

Even in my messed up state I was all "I have to brush my teeth, clean my face, and change clothes. I can't sleep like this."

Causing him to laugh. He was drunk but not like me. I was a mess.

Grabbed my pajamas and changed in the bathroom. Came out and actually brushed my teeth and washed my face. Literally a miracle I functioned so well. He gave me some more water.

Then it hit me.

This man is standing in my place helping me after I got drunk, threw up 3 times on our first date.

I just assumed he was staying I guess because I took out sheets, a blanket, and gave him a pillow saying, "Here, you can sleep on the floor since it's so late. I have caused enough trouble."

He was all 😮 are you sure?

I shrugged, walked to my bed and basically just collapsed on it like "let me die in my drunk embarrassed state."

He laughed and literally tucked me in while calling me cute.

Granted it's not the first time he called me cute but I was feeling far from it at this point. 😅

He settled on the floor next to my bed after making sure I was okay. I knocked out after saying good night.

*sighs* I know I know this is so unlike me. What happened? Life happened and I didn't care too much. I felt oddly comfortable which is weird.

Anyways, while sleeping if I moved a bit too much he would ask if I was okay and if I needed anything. At one point he just held my hand.

Then, I woke up yesterday (Sunday) morning and was like "omg my head. First time and hopefully the last I drink so much without eating properly first." Looked over and saw him sleeping still. It was like 6am and I remembered like 99% of everything but 1% was a bit foggy. I knew what happened but needed to piece it together better. Like the last 2 times I threw up.

He woke up maybe a few minutes after me and asked if I was okay again. Even though he was barely awake, that's when he confirmed my foggy 1%. I literally hid under my blankets saying sorry blushing like crazy. Only to hear him laugh and say it's fine while calling me cute for the billionth time. At this point I am all "I am going to die from pure embarrassment."

Drifted off to sleep again then woke up a bit more rested. Found my phone and stuff. Took a shower and such. He was still asleep. He wouldn't see anything anyways. So no worries.

He woke up to a phone call from work. It was his day off but they couldn't find a red bag it seems. So he was telling them where it should be.

Oh yes his details. Hmm...🤔 Let's call him Mr. Gucci since he is a manager of one of the stores. He is 181cm, born in '85 (so 32 years old), has one younger sister and broke up with his last girlfriend of 2 years in February because her parents wanted a guy with more money like a doctor or something. Yep~ I was all oh man ouch...

Anywho, we officially woke up. Talked a bit. My turn to apologize a ton. I did cook him some breakfast. It was the least I could do. Talked some more.

He brought up business trips that he has to do. I was just thinking to myself why is he telling me all this?

I know. I know. He had a reason to. He does want to meet again before his next business trip.

Honestly though besides me being drunk that was a fantastic date. He was a pure gentleman the entire time. When he left he told me to call if I ever need anything.

After that, I did some things. Called Mr. Ghetto got no answer and was a bit worried since he was already getting sick.

A few hours later met up with some friends visiting from England. Had a blast. At great food, explored, great conversation and all. Ended the night at Lotte's Sky Tower.

Not going to lie. It is worth every won for that view. It's in the video of the previous post. Said our goodbyes. We may meet up again before they leave.

I came home but of course stopped for bubble tea and got in at 9pm on the dot. 😄

Then finally found out Mr. Ghetto ended up with a condition that is temporary and even went to the ER. I was all 😯. He didn't answer because well he was barely awake. In which I know how it is because it's similar to what I deal with at times while having UC (Ulcerative colitis).

And he tends to keep to himself more without getting help from anyone. He cut most of his friends off over the summer. Which makes me worry more. Even if we are nothing more he is one of my best friends here that I would drop whatever I am doing if something happened. He does the same for me. *sighs* So now that he is able to get up himself I will check on him if not daily then every other day. I legit don't want to lose that man.

But yeah~ tada my crazy weekend.

Now to sleep. Until next time~ 안녕~

[rolypolywl]

Welcome to day 19!

And today is a weigh in day, so let’s see how that is going:

Okay, so today is going to be a little different. So far when talking about exercising I’ve been pretty focused on cardio. But today I’m going to dip a toe into the waters of strength training.

Now, there are a lot of exercises, and honestly the choice is a little overwhelming. Thinking back to PE, what comes to mind for me is things like push ups, which I could never do, jumping jacks, which hurt my knees, and doing circuits of the gym machines, which I had no idea how to use and never put weights on. Because, again, I was intimidated!

But there are a lot of home exercises that you can do with no equipment. All you need is your own body weight, and sometimes a chair. You can also add something simple, like dumbbells or ankle weights to these. And, as I mentioned before, you can get alternative dumbbells in the form of cans from your pantry, so literally no equipment needed.

There are, of course, a few other simple home equipment pieces, like resistance bands or a medicine ball, but I’ll get to those in the future. Today is just body weight, chair, and adding dumbbells if you want.

So, with that out of the way, before we talk about what to do, let’s talk about how to do it.

So, VeryWellFit has this to say about beginning strength training. “Beginners who start to work out can expect to enjoy a wide range of benefits. If you are completely new to exercise, low-intensity activity sessions will help you burn more calories. And if you don't compensate by eating more, the pounds will start to fall off. But these workouts have a more important function, as well.”

So, you may have heard of things like high intensity interval training. We don’t need to do that yet. It doesn’t have to be high intensity to help. Low-intensity is just fine for now. And VWF lists these benefits to starting this training:

“Boost self-confidence

Establish a healthy daily routine

Develop strong, tight muscles

Improve your sleep

Decrease your stress level

Burn more calories and lose weight”

Well I’m sold! Let’s do it!

Now, there are many ways to exercise at home, including a lot of cardio, like dancing, but we’re going to start with body weight and chair strength training.

Okay, but from what I remember in PE you had to do sets and circuits and reps. How do you even know where to start and how much to do?

First off, we turn to Dummies for a refresher on those terms.

“Rep (repetition) is one complete motion of an exercise. A set is a group of consecutive repetitions. For example, you can say, “I did two sets of ten reps on the chest press.” This means that you did ten consecutive chest presses, rested, and then did another ten chest presses.”

They recommend 8-12 reps per set, though 10-12 seems to be the real sweet spot. This also comes with a warning: “Doing dozens of reps with ultralight weights (weights you can barely even feel) doesn’t bring good results of any kind, because you’re not stressing your muscles enough.”

Which sounds like what I did in PE in high school.

So, how do you know how much weight to use? Especially if you are using body weight or something like that?

Well, again they explain, “No matter how many repetitions you do, always use a heavy enough weight so that the last rep is a struggle, but not such a struggle that you compromise good form. After about a month of strength training, you may want to go to muscular failure (that is, your last repetition is so difficult that you can’t squeeze out one more).”

You’ll probably want to spend your first exercise session figuring out those amounts for yourself. How many reps at what level should I do to get the right “burn”? Write this down so you know what to do the next time, and you’ll quickly streamline your process. They also say that you can mix this up, with light days and heavy days, and note that people vary from day to day, so be flexible. Plus, different body parts and even different moves on the same part can require different weights.

That’s why, when it is time to get a set of dumbbells, I recommend getting more than one pair. Amazon offers this great set of three to get you started.

They are 2 pounds, 3 pounds, and 5 pounds each. In the long run, there are also larger sets, and you can order individual weights as you need more numbers. Hopefully you’ll get stronger and stronger and need heavier weights!

Now, Dummies also covers sets, explaining: “Several studies show that doing one set per muscle builds just as much strength as doing three sets per muscle, at least for the first three or four months of training. If you’re a novice or if you’re starting again after a layoff, begin with one set of 10 to 12 repetitions, and make sure your last rep feels challenging. You should feel like you have control of the weight but if you did one more rep, you may not be able to make it all the way.”

As you improve, you can bump up to two or three sets. That’s all most people need, though hardcore body builders will do, like, 10 or 12 sets!

Now, that said, what do you do for those reps and sets?

Well, Livestrong asked experts to list beginner exercises, and there was quite a bit of overlap. More importantly, looking at the different plans can give you a feel for the layout you should follow.

Most of these followed a circuit pattern, where you do one group of exercises, then another, and flip or circle between circuits.

For example, you might do a circuit of four exercises, then a minute of jumping jacks, then those four exercises again. Or you might switch between two circuits of three exercises. That kind of thing. Others just give you a list of things to work down. If you find yourself struggling to keep track of a circuit, maybe just try going down a list.

On the other hand, if doing the same thing over and over again is boring, maybe break it into smaller chunks and circuit them, so you’re mixing it up.

Now, there are all kinds of articles about how to focus on different areas of the body, and all kinds of workouts that target a specific area, like arms, or even a specific muscle group. But, for the beginner, it is totally fine to just be like, “I’m going to get a general workout with exercises that target different areas of my body” or a whole body workout type thing. You don’t need to know every glute exercise in existence.

So, that all established, let’s look at some of these exercises.

I want to start with push ups, because that is my arch nemesis, and the one that I think everyone dreads. Now, during the brief time that I had a personal trainer, they gave me a super helpful piece of advice, which I am now seeing in more and more places, but which was mind blowing to me when I first heard it several years ago.

And, small detour to say, if nowhere else, this is a good place to splurge. If you can book just one appointment with a personal trainer, get them to give you a customized workout list. And have them help show you proper form for these things - which I can guarantee I won’t always get in these videos. You can always refresh yourself online, but there are literally thousands of exercises you can do, and they’ll have a better idea of what you can do with your specific weight distribution and limitations and goals and such.

Okay, tangent over.

So, this mind blowing advice was to not go all the way to the floor. These are called incline pushups! So, kitchen counters are great for this, or stair railings or banisters if they’re across a flat piece of floor. You don’t want to be on the uneven stairs.

In a pinch, a chair will do, though it is lower than I like, or a wall, though you are more upright than I like. So I’ll demo with the chair.

Instead of needing your entire body weight to be supported on your hands like you would be on the floor, by being more upright, more of your weight is on your feet, and you don’t have to lift as much with your hands.

As you get stronger, you can get further and further down, until you’re flat on the floor!

Now, you have to watch your posture, just like with a regular push up, because you don’t want to be arching your back or sticking your bum up into a v. But I found this is a great way for me to do push ups. See what you have around your house and test different heights to find the best one for you.

In their article on incline pushups, VeryWellFit notes that the most common mistake is putting your hands too far apart. They should be just slightly wider than shoulder width.

Now, a special note, if you are using something that moves, like a chair, make sure that it is pushed against the wall and can’t slide out from under you.

Closely associated with push ups are planks. Now I don’t know about you, but these always hurt my forearms and elbows. But, it turns out that you don’t just have to do forearm planks. There are also “high” planks, which are basically the highest point of a push up.

Self has a great article, with gifs, of different plank variations.

I found this a little intimidating, but it is great for once you get the hang of the basic one. And some of them are easier if you are in a high plank instead of a forearm plank. So if you find that your wrists are stronger than your forearms and elbows, you might think about swapping out a high plank for a forearm one.

Okay, the next one I want to talk about is lunges. There are literally dozens of ways to lunge, I have discovered, and you can really mix and match. The only thing with lunging is that, ideally, you want to be creating 90 degree angles with those knees, and you don’t want to be skewing your hips. And again don’t arch you back funky.

So the one I really like is a lunge circle. With each leg in turn, you do a forward lunge, and then go in a circle, clockwise or counterclockwise, whichever you prefer. Go diagonal, to the side, other diagonal, back, diagonal, now for the crossover I like going in front and behind, just to mix it up. Last diagonal, and then forward again.

Then switch legs! And of course you can do any of these lunges as its own set, or just pick two that are opposite of each other and switch between them. But it doesn’t just have to be lunging forward over and over again, or walking lunges. You can mix it up!

Greatist actually has a short list of 32 ways to exercise with lunges, so there are lots of ideas!

Next is something I dread almost as push ups, and that is squats. But again, a chair can come to your rescue! VeryWellFit has a great article on alternative squats, and the first one is the chair squat!

So you put your feet shoulder length apart, and slowly sink down until you’re sitting in the chair. Then get back up. When you’ve got that down, then squat until you’re just above the chair - but don’t sit down! Just hover and hold before going back up!

Now, the do have an important note on form here: “Send the hips back while keeping the head up and the torso straight. You can extend the arms if that helps with balance.”

So don’t arch or curl your back when doing this. Try to keep it straight and your head up.

If you’re down for laying on the ground, a side leg raise is recommended by Livestrong’s trainers. You lie on one side, put your hand on your hip, and lift your top leg up, then bring it down to just over the other one, then up again. If you need to, you can actually touch down between lifts.

This is one, though, that I’ve noticed with myself, where I can tend to speed up and get sloppy. This is like when they talked about having too light weights and it not working as well. If you’re relying on momentum instead of muscles to do the movements then you’re not helping. And you can be hurting.

One more move from the Livestrong lists is a glute bridge. This one was actually the one that intimidated me the most from these lists, but Shape has a great article - with gifs - on how to do it right!

First you lay on your back, and bring your knees up, with your feet at hip-width. Then you push off and basically thrust your pelvis up. I always was afraid that I was hurting my neck, shoving it into the ground, so I really appreciated Shape’s advice.

“Root down into feet, keeping them stacked below knees. Lift hips up. Draw ribs down and in toward mat (if you can see ribs jutting out when you look down, draw upper back further into the mat until they disappear). Shoulder blades remain on mat, relaxing shoulders away from ears. Lower hips down to ground slowly, maintaining control until seat touches floor. Then use seat muscles to lift back up to starting position, making sure upper back stays in contact with the mat as you lift.”

The important part is that your shoulder blades are still on the ground, so you are using more of your abs and legs to move you, instead of popping up on your shoulders. This also takes pressure away from your neck, which made me feel better.

Finally, I want to mention step ups. This is literally just stepping up onto something, like a low crate, or even an actual stair step. The curb outside can be great for this too. Now, this one can have more impact, but you can control how hard you are hitting the step. You can also put a little bounce to it if you’ve got music going or something.

Now, you can use these exercises to build your own starter routine for weight training. You can also check out the livestrong article for more ideas for circuiting them.

Alright, so that was a little longer than usual, I know, but I wanted to cover a few basic exercises!

This has been Roly Poly Weight loss. As always, I am your host, Roly Poly. Please share your simple body weight exercises with the hashtag #StrengthTraining.

And please join me next time!

[obsoleete94]

10 things

The more I start to take care of myself these last few weeks, the more I have been realizing how many different ways I have neglected myself--my body, my mind, my spirit, my interpersonal needs. You would think it would be discouraging, but I’m just overwhelmingly struck and shocked and saddened at the way I have neglected taking care of myself for such a long time. And I am impressed that my body is still functioning at an OK level after all these years. And it gives me motivation to treat myself better (not just through Donna and Tom’s treat yo’self consumeristic habits).

Here are a couple fun facts I have discovered about myself the past few weeks: 

1. The human body is made up of about 70% water. Or it should be. My stats read me at about 49%. Not sure what the other 21% is. I’m probably not interpreting that correctly. All I know is that I am extremely dehydrated as a result of my love for caffeine and aversion to healthier fluids. 

2. On a scale of 1 to 12 of bone density, I rate at a 3. 12 is the best, so I’m not really doing so hot in this arena either. Part of it is my genetic makeup and the other part is the fact that I don’t exercise often enough to build up my bone density. Oh and also I don’t take in enough calcium. Dang it, I knew my avoidance of vitamins would bite in the butt one day.

3. My BMI rates at a whopping 34%. That’s scary. And I know that’s only one indicator of one aspect of health, but I also know this is a result of my not so great diet and exercise (or lack thereof), so I know I can step it up. In addition, I have historically been at a much lower BMI, so I would like to go back in that direction.

4. My metabolic rate is similar to that of a 33-year-old’s. I AM 22. TWENTY-TWO. This is just not OK. Again, a major part of this is due to the fact I am not going to the gym and gettin my heart pumping. It just sits sullenly in my chest as I sit in my chair for most of the day. 

5. Taking my antidepressants on a consistently daily basis has been wonderful for me. Of course, my recent ventures into the gym also play a huge role in this. I’m learning more and more how everything is interconnected. Mind and body are one and all that shit. It’s true!  

6. Moisturizing. This one has been my personal weakness. For as long as I can remember, I have hated putting lotion on my face or my body. I just hate that sticky, clammy feeling. I especially hated when my mom basically held my head hostage and smeared the slimy mess on me. As a result, my skin has always been really dry. And my elbows have been a terribly scaly mess too (gross, I know). But lately I’ve been putting more effort into integrating moisturizing into my nightly routine. And instead of rushing through the job, I really try to take the time to massage the lotion into my skin, let it seep into my cells with repeated circular motions, and it feels FURKIN amazing. 

7. Flossing. I went to the dentist not too long ago and the dental hygienist was almost in tears at how terrible my gums were. I think he must have said “on your way to gum disease” no less than five times. So he prescribed me flossing twice daily, jeez. So I do it, and the first few days were ROUGH. Bleeding gums, much? But now Oh my LORD I love flossing. I can’t get enough of it. It feels great, it makes me feel really clean, enough said. 

8. Going to therapy has always been a goal of mine, even before my symptoms of depression and anxiety started to escalate. I always thought that allotting time to talk about things that I am confused or upset about or even happy about is healthy. I believe in the power of therapy to help in pinpointing where thoughts are coming from, what those roots within me are, etc. In general, I’ve seen my parents’ clients become happier, stronger people because of it. But I’ve always been scared to actually turn it into a real thing..so I put off scheduling a consult and sessions for a few years, until things inside me started to break and pound against me to be let out. And I’ve just gone to my first session, and it wasn’t so much a session as it was an introductory meeting where she asked me questions and I answered as truthfully as I could, even if some of the answers scared the hell out of me (and probably her). My heart was pounding the entire time I drove to the office, and I was nearly late because I was avoiding getting in my car. But I’m so glad I went in, and I’m so glad I asked God for the strength to be unflinchingly honest, because that’s what it will take for me to start to get better. 

9. Talking to God is another thing I have neglected for a long time now. I remember when I was “on fire” for God, when I would spend hours staying up late, talking to Him about my day, my hopes, my worries. And then somewhere along the way, I stopped mentioning my worries and hopes out loud, because I think I got scared that it would become realer if I dwelled on it. It seems irrational but I thought if I talked about it, it would become real. Or that if I talked about something that brought me happiness to God, it would be taken away. It was sort of an extension of the whole “if I don’t care about it, I won’t be hurt by it” mentality that started eating me up from the inside out and maybe started this whole depression mess. But I talked to Him and prayed to HIm and asked for strength to be unflinchingly honest in my therapy session. I prayed for Him to help me get better. And He answered so brilliantly and lovingly and gave me a taste of what my soul has been so hungry for.

10. Lastly, I have discovered the benefits of eating healthier and in moderation. I’ve never been a diet kind of person. I think life is too short to deny oneself of delicious food. I still think that. But I also know that I got to this point where I would try to forget my problems by eating and eating and eating...to the point where I wouldn’t leave the table until I was in pain or discomfort. That is not healthy, nor is it normal. More recently, I have tried to eat healthier foods, avoid excessive amounts of bread (which pains my soul), and most importantly, STOP eating when I am full. It’s still a work in progress and I’m still finding a healthy balance of treatin my self + eating healthy, but I am already feeling the benefits. 

Anyways, if you made it to the end, I am very impressed + will send you nice notes in your inbox if you notify me of this. I just wanted to list out all the ways I am working at improving, because I am impressed by myself. And I am proud of myself. I’ve been feeling like I’m barely making it through the day for so many days in a row, so many months in a row, that I couldn’t see straight and I couldn’t see out of my bubble of survival mode. But I’m starting to venture out and I like what I see, and I’m catching my body+spirit+mind up to speed so I can start doing the things I love again. 

To my fellow depression buddies, the darkness sucks ASS. I know, and my heart aches for you. I don’t know why it exists. I do know how terrible it feels...I think of it as like a wet blanket that weighs down on me 24/7, makes me tired, and unable to think or feel clearly or feel hope. I love you. Hold on. The darkness lifts and the good days make the bad days bearable until you see the good days again.